Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ms Darcy]

Self confidence. Who would of thought its such a prized possession. I know I sound silly, but I didn't know how much the success in every area of your life depends on it. Maybe I never had anyone to model that for me or maybe I just lack common sense. I'm now learning this just shy of 33 years old.

 

I've been walking around with this broken heart, but I noticed the past few days I've been getting stopped by men. They'll stop and compliment me...saying you're beautiful. It must be the smile on my face. They don't know the shredded heart I have in my chest. They'll ask if I'm married and I'll reply no but that I'm in a relationship to end any further conversation. It feels nice to be complimented by someone. It's just a reminder that if I wanted to get back out there, I've still got it and no matter how complicated I am, there is a man out there who will gladly take those complications with a light heart. The only problem is I don't want anyone, but him. They're not him. And because I can't be with him, I don't want to be with anyone else...for now. I'm building this relationship with myself.

 

I get terribly worried when this anger makes its way back around again because I know soon after a breakdown will follow. I know there's no way to avoid it, but I know it's coming. I woke up feeling a lot of anger toward him. Like I can't stand him type of anger. The type of anger that I wouldn't mind carrying because he's the last person I want to see. Just angry at him for picking up and walking away like I meant nothing. How do you do that to someone you shared a life with? The only way I see that is possible was only if it was all a lie and if you only wanted that person there for some sort of purpose. For that I'm angry with him.

 

Sometimes I still can't believe how he just threw it all away. So easily too. Goes to show how much he really cared. I'm still in shock about it at times. I feel very helpless. I can't tell you how many times I want to text him because I don't want to hold this grudge against him anymore, but I fear that he doesn't want to hear anything from me so I'm just trying to move on with my life. I'm doing ok and I'm healing, but he's missing from my life. So many things have happened that I want him to be apart of and he isn't here. My sister is having the baby next month and he isn't here to share all of this with me. I try to remind myself that it takes 2 willing parties and he wants to be alone. He doesn't want anything to do with me. I have to accept that.

 

As for me, I'm feeling very tired of this whole situation. I am very close to contacting him. I keep going back and forth about why I shouldn't and why I should. I have no idea where he stands. I know he was going through something emotionally as early as last week, but he could be better now and all of those indicators could be about missing his children. I have nothing to say he could be thinking about me or would like to find a way to make things right with me. This is just weighing on me everyday and I'm tired of it. I've just about had enough and I just want to reach out to him just to see what kind of reaction I get if any at all. He may just disregard me completely, and I don't really know how ill take that. I may just be bargaining with myself because I keep thinking maybe he doesn't want to reach out to me fearing that I still mean all the things I said. Maybe I'm in denial. I feel so helpless and extremely impatient. I almost can't take it anymore. I keep asking myself why Im putting myself through this and then I think of all the hurt he put me through. Do I really want to be the one to open that door? I'd rather him contact me.

 

I'm stuck somewhere strange. I'm not in a good place. A lot of anxiety. I have a very unsettled feeling about him. I want to talk to him. Im not going to jump to any decisions about contacting him, but I am very close to just doing it. I don't even care about the consequences at this point. We were both wrong. We both said hurtful things. We're both holding on those things. What if it is set in his heart that he wants to move on? I really don't know what to do.

 

Other than that, I've just been really upset with myself. Doing alot of suffering. I don't want to think about him anymore, yet he is everywhere I turn. I've been angry, sad, depressed, anxious, it just keeps repeating the same cycle. I haven't had a moment of peace and I am becoming very exhausted. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I know I will never hear from him again so why is it that I can't just forget about him and get on with the show? I'm ready. It's not that I'm not ready or that I want to hold on. I want to move on with my life because I know he's not coming back and that this is over. That is the biggest thing that is stopping me from contacting him. Nothing I say will save this and I fear I will look like a desperate woman who can't move on. There's my answer. I need to respect myself. I need to NOT put myself in a position where I am putting my self respect at risk. There has been nothing and I mean nothing, that says he is still thinking of me after 2 months, so I need to just accept things for what they are and keep walking with the little bit of dignity I left there with. Furthermore, he may already be involved with someone new. He doesn't want anything to do with me so as a woman I need to respect myself. If someone doesn't want to be with you and they want to go....let them.

 

I totally understand what you mean when you said you really arent over everything. There are some days where you feel strength and able to move on, but then reality sinks in and you realize the situation you're in. It's very hard, but I am living that at this moment.

 

I am not sure contacting him would be that good for you right now. You are doing really well, and doing all the right things...and yes, cut yourself some slack, it is still early days...I think at this stage it can be so tempting to reach out, but if you're completely honest with yourself, what do you really really want deep down...you need to work that out. Do you want to heal and move on, and leave this unsatisfactory relationship behind...or do you want to try and reconcile, Do you just want him to think of you as a good person, because you think you will feel better in yourself if he does - because you do not need him to validate you....you know you are a good person, you do not need him to tell you that, and closure often comes from acceptance of ourselves, not from anyone else....do you want to be friends...because that would be a long way down the line. Everything is raw just now. Sometimes this indecision comes from not being honest with ourselves about what it is we really want. When you know that, you will know what path to take...and right now, i am not sure you really know what it is you want deep down...that may take some time to work out....and honestly, if he isn't reaching out, that is more to do with him and his own issues than anything to do with you.Maybe part of the issue has been that you have reconciled too soon before...it really takes a lot of time to work all this stuff out - and that will be the same for him too. I think both you and Lostlove have progressed so much even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Hugs to you both from a stranger rooting for you and your ong term happiness x

 

Lord knows it came at the right time. I have a very strong urge to contact him and I have been thinking about it for a few days. I think now would be an appropriate time because of the ipod. I don't want to wait any longer, but my pride is getting in the way. Yes, I am on the right path right now. I am healing and doing everything possible to take care of myself right now, but I really fear looking like a total fool...a desperate fool. This is eating me up inside. I know deep down inside I did not want to lose this relationship. I never wanted to lose him, but I didn't realize the damage I was doing and I didn't see that things were not going to get better unless I started to take care of myself. I completely lost myself in that relationship and in hindsight, I see where we both went wrong. Had I made the changes I am making now, things would have gotten better, no doubt about that. The biggest question for me has been...do I just leave everything on the floor and walk away, hoping that he would turn this around because this was his decision after all? At this point, I think he's not going to turn this around and neither am I. We both have just let everything go. I don't know if that was on my part or not. I don't know if reaching out to him is right or not. Of course I want to apologize for the way things ended. I do want to get all these things off my chest, but what good will it do? For the past 2 months, I've just decided to leave things the way they ended and look out for myself. What if he is seeing someone new, what if he doesn't respond, what if I can't handle his response? Maybe it is safer to leave things as they are or maybe I should be the bigger person, say what I have to say and be on my way. What he does from there on is up to him. All I know is that this is eating me up inside and sitting here day after day hoping for it to go away is just eating me up inside. I really have nothing left to lose there with him. Everything has already gone down the drain.

 

Thank you all for writing today. I really needed the support and the input. I'm really grateful for that right now as it is helping me process my thoughts.

 

I agree with Sparkly, you have been doing well Ksol, remain strong. Remember this recovery process is not up and up in a linear fashion. It has its ups and downs, sometimes you feel better, like the days you are active and do your Pilates and whatnot. Sometimes you feel worse. But either case, you must keep going, look ahead and dont look back now. I would go back to your earlier posts made during the relationship, and after the last reconciliation. It was bad, it was toxic and tumultuous, towards the end all trust was gone, you were not happy. You can and will do so much better, you deserve happiness and peace. He wasn't really providing that before, from reading your earlier posts about the relationship. You deserve better than walking on eggshells all the time.

 

Most people believe that because they're in pain after a breakup, the only solution is to reconcile with that person to relieve the pain.

So often, that is NOT the correct solution. Only the "easiest" one.

 

I used to panic when my ex and I were on the outs. I felt I HAD to fix it, NOW, and nothing would be right or good until he and I were back together.

 

But I couldn't have been more wrong.

 

Relationships aren't supposed to be filled with anxiety. They aren't supposed to be filled with "indifference, confusion and sadness" to quote your journal title. Fear should never, ever be part of a love relationship.

...

 

And if that's the case, why go back other than as an attempt to relieve the pain?

 

These are some of the posts that happened before the recent reconciliation. I think it's interesting to go back and make some high-level observations.

 

-I noticed that although you were going through a lot of pain, you were moving forward (as others noted of course).

 

-I also noticed some things to reaffirm that you may be emotionally unavailable to men who might be able to engage in a healthy relationship with you but you gravitate towards the dude(s) that give you the most pain. No, you shouldn't have been dating. But the one-itis is potentially troublesome in terms of moving forward.

 

-It sounded like you put a lot of energy into trying to read his mind. And reading into it catastrophic consequences.

 

-Bolt's point about you wanting to go back to your source of pain is absolutely right. Sometimes that's a sign of low self-esteem. Making the one who doesn't want me want me will make me feel lovable. (Even though there are men out there who would love you in a healthier but perhaps much less exciting way).

 

-I agreed with Sparkly's comments in bold. And further, I think much of your energy actively ignored what we knew at the time - he does shady things on the side. (A fact which has been repeated but just more egregiously).

 

Looking back at your posts again made one thing stick out to me. I don't think it can be overstated how detrimental monitoring your ex online was to you. "Five weeks" broken up was far less between the monitoring and you seeing him around. It's hard to get someone out of your mind when there's no "no contact." It seems like your worst episodes (of anxiety, anger, bargaining, going back and forth) were in many ways connected to the monitoring of his social media and projecting you were doing about his thoughts.

 

Putting it all together, I would suggest that if you can keep the purest form of no contact (no online monitoring, trying to stay away from places where he might show up) would actually do a lot to help you emotionally in your moving on process.

[dakun]

Hi Ksol, how are you? Hope you're okay..

[figureitout23]

Anyone else feeling like she might have went back to him?

[boltnrun]

ksol, this is your journal.

 

I hope you don't ever feel like you can't continue posting in your own journal.

 

Yes, if you made the decision to go back to him I won't lie and say you'll get positive, congratulatory responses. But, again, this is your journal and your life.

 

I hope you are truly, honestly well and happy.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't checked in. I have just been very serious about the direction I want my life to go this time. I have not gone back to him. I haven't reached out to him, BUT he did contact me on Wednesday saying he understood why I was mad at him. I responded asking why he would do things like that to jeopardize our relationship. He responded the next day saying he felt he didn't do anything to jeopardize the relationship. Really??? This ignited even more disgust inside of me. I responded with a series of messages asking if visiting massage parlors..the lies..the messages...if any of that was wrong. I pretty much laid everything out on the table. I wanted him to know I knew and understood everything he did and that is was wrong and that I wouldn't tolerate it. Of course he never responded. He ran...again. And he won't have anything to say to that either. He knows he messed up and I'm sure he feels like whatever wall I built is too high. I hope he feels like a total piece of crap because what he did was terrible. He doesn't have anything to say for himself. I'm sure he's ashamed.

 

I have been focusing on staying mentally strong. I don't deserve this and I'd rather be alone than to deal with that crap. I don't feel I can live with what he did, so I am focusing on moving on with my life. I don't want to follow the same pattern or go down the same path as I did many times with him before. I don't know what is going to happen, but I'm just taking this day by day. I'm just focusing on not allowing this to eat me alive. I am fighting the bargaining with myself.

 

I'm doing ok and thank you all for your concern. I'll be back to chat more.

[Ksol9]

I hope those who are mothers enjoyed their Mother's Day. We took my mom out to dinner and got in sort of late. I should be sleeping but I can't fall asleep so I thought I'd post a little bit more of a detailed post about what I've been doing the last few days.

 

Surprisingly, I've been doing ok. I've been holding up pretty strong. No long days and nights crying over this spilled mess. In fact, I don't even care to clean it up. I've just been dealing with my emotions as they come in and I'm only tackling things one day at a time. I have this strength inside of me that was never there before and I credit that as the reason I've been ok. I don't know if I'm still in shock or just numb. I'm just not stressing him and his nonsense that much. I'm thinking about it, but not in a way that it is dehibilitating me. On Wednesday, he sent a text stating he understood why I was mad at him. He didn't elaborate. I responded saying that I didn't even know who he was anymore. He responded the next day (Thursday) stating he was the same person that I know and love. That we just don't see eye to eye on certain things and that whenever he makes decisions, he does so with my feelings in mind. He closed by saying he would never do anything to hurt me. I responded the same day asking why he did those things to jeopardize our relationship (mind you, I knew he was still denying any wrongdoing). He responded on Friday afternoon saying he didn't feel he did anything to jeopardize the relationship. That he wasn't doing wrong and that I take things from a different "aspect". That was my cue to let him have it. I know another woman in my shoes wouldn't have words for him, but I did. It was necessary to me. That happened on Friday. He never responded. And I don't care if he does.

 

I keep reminding myself of what he did. I keep telling myself, I don't need that in my life and if I were to go back, things would not get better. He does not respect me and the only time he will respect me is when I am done with him for real. So many times we have gone back and forth. So many times he has done craziness to me. This is enough and I can't see myself living with knowing he went to a massage parlor and did who knows what. Imagine the hell I would be living in every time he goes out of town or when I don't hear from him? I can't even comprehend how he went to an establishment like this, laid naked, while another woman touched him and did who knows what. These are all the things I keep reminding myself of. He didn't value our relationship. I don't want to dwell on what happened. It happened and I feel very strong for standing up for myself. I had to leave him. If I didn't, I would be teaching him how to treat me. This isn't about love or anything like that anymore. It's about the kind of life I want to live and the future I want to have. I don't want to live this way anymore. He has not shown me he can offer me anything different than what he is displaying now.

 

Forgiveness is not easy. It's very difficult. This is something I don't think I can live with. I thought about what it would be like to be intimate with him again. I don't even think I can look him in the face. I've thought this through. In order to save a relationship, it takes two. Both people have to be willing to fight. He has shown me just by those few text messages that he is not willing to even take responsibility for lying to me. At best he lied and that means he is untrustworthy. At best, we know for a fact he lied. He couldn't even acknowledge that. And that's ok. I know that being honest would be difficult for him. I knew once I sent the messages talking about him lying, the establishments known for prostitution, the messages..I knew once I tried to hold him accountable for that, he would not respond and would leave me alone. I am sticking to my guns about this. I've held myself accountable. I've taken a look at my part in our relationship problems. I went for help and I have consistently been working on them to help US. To help us have a healthier relationship. What has he done? I asked him to take a look at his part and to work on it. Not that I am considering settling and not that I wanted to attack him, I just want it to be clear that I understood....all of it. I want him to know change is coming. With or without him. I can't live like this anymore.

 

I know things are still very fresh and I understand the situation is very fragile. I feel like a recovering addict. I feel at any moment I can lose control. I haven't shed much tears other than the first couple of days. I'm functioning ok. I'm sad but that is expected. I was given a pretty big blow. I'm going to be ok. No woman deserves that kind of man. No woman should have to go through things like that. It just isn't right. It's really sad, but I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I'm walking out and I'm not turning back. Of course there is hope, but he isn't the man I thought he was. He isn't going to realize my worth. I don't think he ever knew. This life that he is living. The reckless life he lives, is exactly what he wants. He wants to come, go, do whatever he wants. Maybe this is what brings him happiness. I don't know. I don't really care anymore. Just like I was sabatoging, he was too.

 

So here I am. I'm ok. I know this thing has to take its course. I have to go through this. I'm not sure if I will hear from him. I don't think I will but I've said that before. If I do hear from him, I'm sure it will be some stupid response to my messages about how I am mistaken and took it all wrong. I probably won't respond. It wouldn't be worth it. He will take no accountability and I told him that I am unable to work with any of that. I am sure, very positive...about what I'm doing. I have to go. I can not stay in this unhealthy relationship. I was told by a good friend of mine...if you love this person and you know you can't let go...try to forgive..fight for it, BUT he has to do the same. Those words resonated with me since. I do believe in forgiveness. I do believe in fighting for something you believe in. But that can not happen when the other person is not fighting the same fight. He never did. It was always me. It was always me trying to make things right. It was always me doing all the talking and work to fix. Time I let go. Not just say it, but actually do it.

 

He knows I love him and he knows, by past experience, I've always been right there waiting or will go get him. Not this time. All of my energy will not be spent waiting, watching, or wondering. All that energy will be put into myself and my life. That is what I've been doing the past week. It has been one week since this happened. He hasn't done much to try to save this or stop me. I think he just contacted those times in hopes I would brush it under the rug. He realized this wasn't going to be easy so he backed off. I'm not hoping for anything anymore. I don't even pray for it. I pray for strength that's all. I'll get through this. What he did has given me strength. I need to make a change in my life. No man is worth being unhappy for. There are moments where to stop to think maybe I'm overreacting. There are moments that I question if I should let something like this slide because there are plenty of other couples who have been through things like this, but then I stop myself. Why should I settle? Why should I settle for this pain? He isn't unhappy. He isn't inconvenienced, sad, or troubled my this. I have been the pursuer in this for so long. I have been the one carrying the emotional burden for so long. Too long. I'm tired of it and I keep reminding myself that in order to stay with someone like that..someone who does those things, I must have really low self esteem. You have to be insecure to stay with someone like that. Especially when there is no indication things are going to change. Especially when the other person is saying nothing they've done is wrong and that their decisions are not to hurt your feelings. I have to convince myself of this many times throughout the day. So far I'm holding on strong.

 

Tomorrow is therapy. It's been a long week. It still feels like a dream sometimes.

 

Hope you all are well.

Special hello to lostlove. Hugs.

[figureitout23]

Bravo!!!!!

[Ksol9]

Bravo!!!!!

 

Thanks figureitout.

 

I'm still hanging in there. therapy went well yesterday. I've just been focusing on getting through each day. Not thinking about tomorrow or next week. Yesterday I felt a bit of sadness to the point I began to cry as I was talking to a friend of mine about everything. I was saying how desperate and frustrated I feel to just get this out of my system. I literally began to cry and shed about 2 tears and then stopped. I am no longer blinded by him and I think I'm realizing that I am only going to hold myself back from happiness if I continue to involve myself with anything that has to do with him. That relationship is so badly damaged. It will never get better. We don't stand a chance. I used to cling and claw just to hold on to him. Now I'm clinging to the chance at a new life I may have soon. Just need to get through this hiccup.

 

I just hope I'm able to remain strong.

 

Hope you're well. Have a nice day today.

[Nina95]

Hi Ksol. A lot has happened since the last time I chimed in and last read your story. I'm caught up now, and will say I'm truthfully sorry things turned out this way again.

 

I too was one of the few who tried to ultimately encourage you or support your decision to go back to this person once you had already done so. I mean who wouldn't have, you sounded so happy and elated after what seemed like months of suffering (rather than just little over a month). Even though we don't know you, it almost felt like we did and were friends. No one likes to see a friend suffer. Deep down I was not convinced, because like you said yourself, we can see things in a clearer perspective from the outside. But still I too wanted to have faith and hoped you could find happiness with what you wanted (even though it was definetely not what you needed).

 

I thought well why not, why be negative, maybe this time will be different and it can work out for her. Maybe she can be the exception, but it truly is astonishing how most times for most of us, it just doesn't and the same story repeats over and over, people don't just abandon their old habits and patterns. And this wasn't your second time. It had happened again and again.

 

What is even more astonishing to me though, is that in most cases it usually takes some time (a few months maybe) for the stuff to resurface. But this dude is something else, I am starting to think that he is kind of a sociopath or psycho or sorts (I'm not kidding). On my last post, I was (ill) advising you to trust him if you wanted the relationship to work, to stop doubting every little thing, etc, because it seemed he wanted things to work and that you both were just at the beginning of rekindling etc, that it was "impossible" that he would be playing you so early on, when you two had just gotten back together, unless he was a psycho who got off on that kind of mental games. Well, now I'm thinking he might as well be that. I can see why your therapist comments on that too, he is either incredibly dumb and clumsy, or he wants you to find this stuff and sort of test you or test his own "prowess", see how much he can get away with, and then how easy he could get you back. This guy is disgusting and he is an abuser from what I can last read about his very frequent outbursts and yelling sessions. And you trembling everytime you want to speak your mind about something he might not like. Nope. In this day and age, we gals can no longer wait until a man puts a finger on us to call it abuse. What he does is abuse and it is violence. That alone is more than enough.

 

I do hope this time around you will take your recovering a lot more seriously and be proactive about it. I will reiterate my very first advise and post on your journal: block him everywhere. When you can no longer (secretly, deep down) expect him to call or text, because you have made it literally impossible for him to do so, you will feel free. Cut him off forever.

 

I know you will get through this intact and victorious , you are gonna make it. Be kind to yourself and make yourself and the people who love you and have stood with you all these years the priority.

 

Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi lovenc, thank you for everything you said. I really appreciated your advice. I remember it clearly. This is what I wanted and I knew the risks involved. I know everyone here wanted the best for me and I believe everything you said was in my best interest at the time. No one is at fault for what transpired.

 

I too have been questioning if something is wrong with this man mentally. I think the past couple of days I've really been bargaining with myself about it because I know emotions are high and this is all pretty fresh still. I found myself asking myself...is this man really so devious and coniving? I know it doesn't really matter anymore and I'm not really trying to make sense of his senseless acts, but I think it through when I need to remind myself that it's really time, more than ever, to move on with my life. I was thinking today...I found those Instagram messages out of luck. He forgot to delete them. How often was this going on? I'm pretty sure he was deleting and covering his tracks previously. I don't believe this was a one time occurance since we got back together. And just as you said, I am also just as surprised as you are that this came to light so quickly. He had me fooled because I really thought he was trying and I was really trying to give him the benefit of he doubt. I don't think I'll ever know for sure if he was receiving sexual favors at that massage parlor, but I do know for a fact that those messages were intended to spark some sort of inappropriate conversation and if the opportunity presented itself, he would use the opportunity to cheat. I can't live my life in peace knowing he does these things. I just can't. There is too much that was discovered to say this man does not have any regard or respect for me or our relationship. That is why I have to move on.

 

I am trying my very hardest to recover from this proactively. I am not in shambles as I feared I would be. I still fear that at any moment I'll take a turn for the worse, but so far, I'm managing well. I'm not crying on my knees over this loss. I cried for the first couple of days because I was in shock. I'm sad..even confused at times, but I'm still smiling and carrying on with my day. I'm still able to function. The only thing that I question is if he really and truly is this bad person that I've labeled him as. I'm having trouble distinguishing facts from what my mind is assuming from those facts. It's all still unbelievable and I wonder at times if I'm just taking things to the extreme. Still no matter how you look at it, his behavior is down right wrong. Just lying about it was wrong and the messages...well that alone speaks for itself. There isn't any way around this and I'm assuming that's why he took of running.

 

I haven't blocked him. He hasn't contacted me since I sent those messages on Friday. I think I'll always carry some sort of hope. I discussed this with my therapist on Monday. I just have to keep the mentality that I have at the moment. I'm just closing my eyes and walking away. I thought this whole thing through. I can not live with what he did. I would never be in peace and as history would prove, he will never change. I am the one who did the work. I am the one who really really tried to make things better. Anytime I think about that relationship, I just get a bad vibe. The person I view him as now, scares me. It crossed my mind that he is a psycho or sociopath or something along those lines. I'm ashamed to say I was so blinded by him. I thought because he was a homebody and because he wasn't an outgoing ladies man, he didn't have ill intentions. He proved himself to be exactly what I always feared he was. Someone who looks for casual sex. I think my intuition was always right and I lacked the self confidence to trust it. After all I've been through, I didn't learn. I was too nice to him, too forgiving, and he took full advantage of that.

 

As for moving forward, what has been working best for me is just taking things day by day. I'm not worrying about the future near or far because then I will be consumed by anxiety. I don't care if I ever hear from him ever again. I'm not sitting around wondering, watching, or waiting. Im not even angry with him. I think I'm more angry with myself for not opening my eyes sooner. I'm really just disgusted with him more than anything. I really look forward to healing from this. There is someone else out there that will appreciate me. I'm a hopeless romantic and although I've been through a lot, I still believe I will find true love one day.

 

My uncle and his wife are staying with us. They are here from out of the country to get proper medical care. My aunt is pregnant with twins. One of the twins did not make it. She is 5 months pregnant. They are trying the save the remaining twin's life. I am surrounded by family and I see the importance of supporting eachother. I have loving family and friends. He has no one and he took all Of that for granted. Look at all the challenges and troubles other people face in their lives. He took everything for granted and chooses to live recklessly. I don't have anymore time to waste on him anymore. All he does is waste his own life away on Instagram and Facebook. He's not going to destroy my life with that stupidness. Next week I'll be heading to my sisters house for a few days. I would like to take a week off to spend some time with her and my nephew. I think all of these things have been helping me through, giving me perspective, and just showing me to appreciate life and those who have always been there for me. You are right when you said that I need to make those people a priority. I've really been handling this grieving thing well. I won't say it's easy, but I'm ok. I only hope things continue to get easier.

 

 

Thank you again. Please stick around. I still need support from you and the rest of my friends here. Have a great night.

[Ksol9]

Good morning world!

 

Just trying to live right! Nothing is going to hold me back.

 

Hope you all are enjoying your week. It's halfway over.

[boltnrun]

It's my Friday! (I work an odd overnight schedule).

 

I truly believe once the hurting is over you'll realize how stress- and anxiety-free your life is. It happened for me.

 

No more wondering who's spending the night when I'm not there, no more doing 3 AM drive-bys, no more checking his phone and his bed sheets and his house and finding evidence of other women in his house and his bed, no more having to follow him around whenever we went somewhere to try to make sure he isn't trying to "hook up" with someone else...such freedom!

 

Now I can't even imagine why I thought I wanted him.

 

I think if you really allow yourself the chance to move past him, you'll wonder why too.

[Ksol9]

Lucky you bolt!

 

Your post is right along the lines of what I was discussing today with a friend when she asked me how I was doing. I really don't ever want to go back to a life where I spent my days wondering and worrying about who he was messaging on Facebook and Instagram. Just writing that makes me laugh. Such a waste of a life! Worrying about those kinds of things is a waste of time. Keeping a man to live that kind of life will get me no where. And you're right it is such feeedom not having to deal with that! I don't know why I didn't open my eyes sooner. My friend kept saying..ksol, you sound so strong right now and your mind is in the right place, but we have seen this pattern with him before. He comes back in and you cave. I responded by saying there is one major difference. My eyes were shut. I wanted to be with this man. Now, I'm not saying it isn't a possibility, but I don't want to live that life. It scares me when I think about what I would do if he came back to say he wants to change. I honestly think it would take a miracle for him to say that. Chances are I'll never hear from him again and chances are I won't fall for any of it if he does surface. I think you're right, if I really give myself a chance to move past this, I'm going to be ok.

 

I was thinking something else today...

 

Anger destroys your inner peace. it also distorts your ability to investigate the reality of the situation, so with that being said, I wonder if my emotions, anger being one of them, is distorting my view of what really happened? The extent of it? I mean I know lying about going to an Asian massage parlor is wrong, sending messages to other women in the manner he did was wrong, but overall, am I wrong about going to the extreme in my assumptions about him? I guess regardless of what I think, outside of the facts, his actions display a man who doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. It's just a thought. I guess I shouldn't put too much energy into it.

 

On another note...I was sitting in the auto shop as they inspected my car earlier. It's making some sort of noise that I find odd. I decided to do a search on real estate angencies that were hiring new real estate agents in my area while I waited. II found a few listings, but one in particular said they train new agents and the schedule is flexible. I'm pretty sure the housing market is going to take a dive soon with alll these political issues happening, but I said to myself..this is what I'm going to do as a start! I went home after finding out it was just a minor fix on my car and I signed up for a real estate course. I completed the application and submitted all my fees. Tomorrow I have an appointment for fingerprinting. I figure I can do this while still working in the family business. Hopefully I can make some extra money. I have a flexible schedule already and I can dedicate a lot of time to this. It's a start in any direction I guess.

 

While he spends his good for nothing life on Facebook and Instagram, I'm going to focus all my energy on bettering myself. That wasn't very nice of me to say, but it's the truth! I think the best revenge is the satisfaction I get from moving on from him. He will never be able to offer me a life worth living. A life worth living is a righteous life and the life he leads is not even close to that. He isn't going to hold me down anymore. I was thinking today...what does he live for? What are his ambitions? Nothing. The answer is nothing. IF..IF..and that's a big if..he pops back up to say anything to me, I don't think it will be any time soon and if/when that happens, by that time...it will be too late. I'm moving quickly because I don't want to live this way any longer.

[Ksol9]

Hi friends. Hope you all are well.

 

I wanted to share a video I found useful for myself. I hope someone out there can find it useful as well.

 

 

 

[SparklyBoots]

Great to hear where you are now...absolutely love the video.....healthy decisions are always good...I've been on a few courses now that have helped me so much to do the positive approaches...and they have helped so much....

[Ksol9]

Great to hear where you are now...absolutely love the video.....healthy decisions are always good...I've been on a few courses now that have helped me so much to do the positive approaches...and they have helped so much....

 

 

Hi Sparkly, nice to hear from you. I'm really trying my hardest to get myself on the right track. I don't want to sit in my room crying over this man. I keep telling myself that it's time to change my life. My therapist suggested that I not make any drastic decisions. At least not until I've let some time heal. Mainly because any decisions made on emotion will most likely be bad decisions. I went today to submit fingerprints which are required when applying. Now I can move forward with the class. I should be receiving textbooks and course materials tomorrow.

 

I'm not sure if I'm just suppressing all my emotions. I still feel really numb. I guess it's still fresh. It has only been a little less than 2 weeks since I left. I've been staying active and positive. Most importantly I'm taking it day by day. I honestly don't even know where I'm going. I feel lost. I sometimes even question the reasons behind me leaving the way I did. (I know that sounds strange.) I think I can compare this to closing my eyes and ears. I had to leave and I had to close my eyes and ears so that my heart wouldn't convince me to stay. All I know is the best thing I can do for myself on a daily basis is put my energy and thoughts into myself...taking care of myself and bettering myself. I'll end up where I'm supposed to be as long as I work hard. As for him, I'll get rid of him from my heart and my mind in due time. For right now, I'm doing ok. I guess you could say I've found a new way to deal with this grief.

 

I'm glad to hear you're making progress as well. Thanks for writing. Always a pleasure to hear from you. Have a great night.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol,

 

I haven't written for a while, but I just wanted to say I have been following you on your journey these past few weeks. I just wanted to say how very proud I am of you for walking away. Your thoughts about if you were too angry and you're misjudging him well you know it's your bargaining talking to you. You can't believe that a man you thought was a great guy would do such a thing. He is a family man that works hard and is mostly a homebody. The truth is people have demons that we choose not to see. This man loved and craved the attention from these women on Facebook and Instagram, and he will forever be living in the fantasy online. He will never know what it's like to be happy and be in a committed relationship because he just can't give up his "other life."

 

As a woman, I will share something with you woman to woman. I have the same kind of addictions too. I can never be in a committed relationship with a man because I have a very active "online life." Now they may not consist of Facebook and Instagram, but I have friends that I "play" with on occasion. I am a single woman so there is no harm in that. But I find myself at a point in my life where I like the freedom. People like him will always be single. People like me will always be single. The truth of the matter is I am not prepared to give up my freedom, and I don't think he was either.

 

Look, I am not making excuses for his behavior, because they are despicable. But what I am saying is he tried ot have his cake and eat it too. Most men are guilty of this. During my online escapades I can't tell you how many countless married men there are online being predatory and having online emotional affairs and of course sexual affairs as well. It is a common thread that our society has been exposed to. It is a sickness, that rush of the "fresh meat" the "new conquest." Many people feel it. "Will I ever have a first kiss again? Will I ever sleep with someone new again?" Basic questions that most people are unwilling or unable to be honest with themselves about.

 

You're a strong woman. You value complete honesty and you are ready for a good man in your life that shares your same values. I believe you will find him someday. Now is the time that you continue working on you to make yourself a better tomorrow. Day by day, just like you're doing. I am a hopeless romantic myself, and although I don't think I am fit for monogamy, I believe there is a man out there for me too.

 

He wasn't the man for you Ksol. I don't know whether he was a sociopath or anything like that, I think that he just tried to "have it all." The good woman at home while he paraded himself all over the place and all over the internet. It's a sad life he chose, but like i said, I understand the sickness. I am guess I was just trying to give you another point of view.

 

Know that I I am in your corner, just like all your friends here, and that we all want to see you thrive and have a happy life. I am so glad I am here with you on this journey of self-discovery because in reading your story and what you've been through these past few months has really enriched my life and I learned a lot about myself and what I value in relationships.. So continue to write, continue to post, and we will all be here rooting for you. Good luck and hugs and best wishes to you, you deserve nothing less than the best. All my love. xoxoox

[Ksol9]

I guess I just want to get this out...process it somehow.

 

I remember the night of the massage parlor. I remember it clearly because that night he called to say they were at a restaurant and bar playing pool. I could hear them in a sort of noisy place. I didn't think anything of it. I had no idea of what they were about to do. We got off the phone and he said he would call me back soon. Well, I didn't hear from him. A couple hours went by and I was just laying in bed thinking it was strange that I didn't hear back from him. He normally texts frequently. I wasn't too worried, but I remember thinking it was weird. It was getting late and then I decided to call him. He didn't answer. About 30 minutes later, I get a call. They are driving and I am connected to Bluetooth so everyone in the vehicle can hear me and I can hear them. When he called, I was very quiet. I had a sinking feeling. It's like I subconsciously knew something wasn't right. He asked me what was wrong because my tone didn't sound good. His co worker says..."don't worry ksol, he isn't doing anything wrong. He's with me you don't have to worry." I think I knew something wasn't right. We were on the phone while they drove back to the hotel. As we were on the phone he was getting private calls. He was telling me they kept calling. At the time I didn't know it was his co workers wife, but just looking back, I feel so ashamed and betrayed. His co workers may not have known he went for a happy ending or maybe all 3 got happy endings, but I know I can draw that conclusion because of the second 40$ charge. Who tips $40 on a $70 massage. He lied to me about where they were. I know this whole massage parlor thing was his idea. Those other guys don't frequent places like that and financially can't because they have families to feed. That is a luxury they can't afford. I remember days later he said one of the guys owed him $100. I can bet he paid for his co workers massage.

 

I know it's over now and I made a decision that I could live with because I couldn't stay and live with what he did. Even though it's painful, I have to remind myself of it. It helps to combat the bargaining. I can't live with the fact that he sees nothing wrong with going to massage parlors, known for prostitution, at all hours of the night and then lying about it. That combined with the messages he was sending shows he just can't be trusted ever. I don't want a man like this and I don't think there are many other women out there that would be open to the idea of their significant other going to places like this either. Still feels so unreal. He really, really, had me fooled.

 

I even remember the day we had a couples massage. It was very early on when we first started spending time with eachother again. He kept asking me where exactly the address was to the spa he booked it at. Now I know why he was asking. It was because he didn't want to go to one of the places he already went to that offered these happy endings. The place we ended up going to was a legitimate spa. Not one of these Asian places. I remember when we got back together I found a receipt from a few weeks prior that he went to get a massage. It was in his truck. He didn't know I saw it and it was before we got back together so I didn't even think it was one of these places. Looking back, he's been going to these types of places. I don't know if he's just sick or what. Really sick to do that after we got back together.

 

I wrote this earlier, but feel asleep. Unchained, I read your post and would like to respond later when I have done more time. I think I should try to go back to sleep. You spoke about him having a craving for attention from women online. This would make sense. There is a reason behind why he does these things. It was a pattern. I have never seen anything as straightforward as these messages, but if you remember from the first or second breakup, I found messages where women were messaging him and his responses left the door open. He didn't respect our relationship. Also, in his previous relationship(with the children's mother), he had a joint Facebook account with her. That is a pretty clear indication that someone got in trouble and wasn't allowed to have their own Facebook account. I'm sure it was him. That has always stuck in my mind. He has always had this problem and it was most likely an issue in his previous relationships. He's just an unfaithful man period. I will always question his fidelity because of the things that happened this last time. I don't want to live like that and furthermore, I don't think he will ever change. He will always be this way as you said. It was interesting to hear your perspective as you said you have the same kinds of addictions. This will help me with some understanding behind his actions. Thank you for this. Will be back later to write more.

 

I hope you are well unchained. Thank you for the support. .

[Ksol9]

Good morning friends. I've been watching this video every morning for the past few days as I put on my makeup. I wanted to share it with you all.

 

 

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol! I'm sorry it's been a while since I've written; have just had a lot on my mind. I've been reading along, though, and just wanted to say that I'm super proud of you! You seem so much stronger this time, and much more resolved to do the right thing for yourself. I guess there eventually comes a time when you just realize that you've given enough chances, and you deserve better - and you finally reached that point. I found Unchained's post to be very helpful in understanding the mindset of these guys. What she said makes good sense, as unfortunate as the situation may be. I always find it beneficial to hear from folks who have similar ways of being, because they can explain things in a way that we can't normally grasp. Anyways, I did just want to say that I'm proud of you, and I admire your strength. I'm so glad to hear that you're handling things differently this time. I know it's still not easy; but I think you're in a much better place now than you've ever been in the past. Hugs!

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol! I'm sorry it's been a while since I've written; have just had a lot on my mind. I've been reading along, though, and just wanted to say that I'm super proud of you! You seem so much stronger this time, and much more resolved to do the right thing for yourself. I guess there eventually comes a time when you just realize that you've given enough chances, and you deserve better - and you finally reached that point. I found Unchained's post to be very helpful in understanding the mindset of these guys. What she said makes good sense, as unfortunate as the situation may be. I always find it beneficial to hear from folks who have similar ways of being, because they can explain things in a way that we can't normally grasp. Anyways, I did just want to say that I'm proud of you, and I admire your strength. I'm so glad to hear that you're handling things differently this time. I know it's still not easy; but I think you're in a much better place now than you've ever been in the past. Hugs!

 

Hi there! I've been meaning to post asking how things have been going for you, so it was really nice to hear from you. I too found unchained's post to be very helpful just because she seems to understand his mindset. I still have a hard time grasping why he would do these things. It seems like a way of life for him and for me, I'm just now coming to the realization that this is truly who he is. I had my eyes tightly shut all this time. That is what it feels like any way. I feel stronger because I think I have very valid reasons to leave the relationship behind. There is no more blaming myself or wishing I could have done things differently. What you said about giving enough chances sounds just about right. I've given this too many chances and it's just not working and will never work. I also think him and I both know that now. It's time to let him go especially knowing that he is unable to be faithful or should I say since he finds it so easy to be unfaithful. Still feels really unreal, but I reminding myself any time my mind starts to bargain or go astray that I'm not mistaken about any of this. It's just time to move on.

 

How are things with you? Has your anxiety and depression been getting better? Anything new going on in your life? Feels like I haven't heard from you in a very long time.

 

It's really great to hear from you. Thank you for acknowledging my strength. I still don't know how I've been managing to make it through my day, I feel almost unaffected at times. I shouldn't question it...just keep going right? Have a wonderful weekend.

[boltnrun]

I think you've just had enough.

 

You're in survival mode. You just can't take any more of this back and forth, any more of the stress, anxiety, panic and fear. You just can't do it anymore.

 

And I think you realize that expecting him to be the one to relieve the stress, anxiety, panic and fear would be illogical since he's the cause of all of it.

 

I mean, what would happen if he reached out? Asked you to come over? What would be resolved? He'd expect you to rug-sweep like usual and you would have to either agree to do so or have yet another knock down drag out with him screaming at you and you crying.

 

You just aren't down for any more of that. And you're doing what's best for you instead of knee-jerk reacting to the panic and the anxiety.

 

It's healthy, what you're doing.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you've just had enough.

 

You're in survival mode. You just can't take any more of this back and forth, any more of the stress, anxiety, panic and fear. You just can't do it anymore.

 

And I think you realize that expecting him to be the one to relieve the stress, anxiety, panic and fear would be illogical since he's the cause of all of it.

 

I mean, what would happen if he reached out? Asked you to come over? What would be resolved? He'd expect you to rug-sweep like usual and you would have to either agree to do so or have yet another knock down drag out with him screaming at you and you crying.

 

You just aren't down for any more of that. And you're doing what's best for you instead of knee-jerk reacting to the panic and the anxiety.

 

It's healthy, what you're doing.

 

Agreed 100%. It's clear you've hit *that* point -- the one where you're forced to move forward, when you realize, "I can't do this anymore."

 

It feels terrible at first, as it did for the first few days for you. Gradually, it gets better. Sometimes, it feels worse for a bit, and then it gets better again. What you realize, after awhile, is that the whole time, you've been moving forward. Someday, you'll probably be able to think of him without feeling any sadness or regret. He will just be another part of your past.

 

I had an interesting moment the other night: I ran into my ex at a work-related event. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in ages (our schedules at work have been so different the past year or so that we don't cross paths much anymore). I was planning to act like I hadn't seen him, just because I didn't see the point in talking to him, but we ended up standing in line near each other, and he saw me. He hugged me and congratulated me on my engagement -- which, btw, I never told him about -- someone else must have. I cheerfully thanked him, and that was all -- at the first opportunity, as soon as the line started moving, he hurried off. Funny, there was a time when *I* would have been the one running off, out of discomfort or awkwardness, but...I stood my ground with a smile on my face. Oh, how far I've come! I used to DREAD being in the same room with him, even running into him in the halls at work, because it would stir up so many feelings, and I was afraid of what he'd tell me (that he'd gotten back with his ex, that he was involved with someone else, that he was dating, etc. -- which happened a few times). Now...I don't care. I only wish him well, and that's HUGE for me because there was a time when I didn't want him to be happy without me, especially not with someone else.

 

You're on your way! Keep up the therapy, keep taking care of yourself. Most of all, keep looking ahead of you -- not behind. You'll be fine.

[Ksol9]

Bolt, I think you've just about got it right. I've had enough and maybe that's the reason for my attitude and lack of emotion. And I think you're absolutely right, what would be the sense in any further communication with him if he were to reach out? Nothing. At. All. He would do what he has always done...deny any wrongdoing and blame me for it all. That reminds me of the text he sent last week saying he doesn't feel like he did anything to jeopardize our relationship. Asking a woman to have sex one time isn't jeopardizing the relationship. (You should see my face.) I think he's too ashamed of himself to say anything to me.

 

Beg, thank you for sharing your story and also for saying that it will get easier from here. I know some days won't look so bright, but just as long as I'm not experiencing pain. That's what I fear the most. I hope to be like you one day..indifferent. I don't want to hate him. I deserve peace and I know I'll never be in peace if I carry these hateful and disgusted thoughts of him. I guess in time that will heal. I sure don't think anything I could say or do will help any of it. I'm just using it all as a driving force to do something great with my life, to regain my self confidence, and to smile again. The smiling again is already back. I know I'm going to be ok. I had a really nice vision that flashed across my thoughts. It's going to be really exciting and wonderful when I enter my next relationship. Just a chance to start over and do things right with someone new is such a refreshing thought. I have so much to offer....so much love to give. He will never be who I thought he was ever again. He did a damn good job of shattering all of our hopes and dreams. Little does he know, it will be the best thing that will ever happen to me.

[Ksol9]

Woke up and said to myself...oh gosh, not that same old bad dream. I don't wake up in a shock or panic like other times. It just feels like a realization that I have to get through another day. Last night I felt a bit of anxiety. I don't know why. I guess it was one of the nights that wasn't so easy. I had to jump in my car to go for a ride to clear my head. I ended up stopping by mcdonalds for a cheeseburger. I kept asking myself last night...what he did was unforgivable right?? Bargaining again.

 

I find that writing here also helps me out things in perspective. No matter how o look at it, bolt was right, he is the source of my pain and anxiety. I don't want to live my days with him worrying about where he is pr who he's interfering with on Facebook or Instagram. Before going back this time, alll the other times, he was very open about our relationship on Facebook. He constantly posted photos of us. He didn't use Instagram much. He used it a couple times for a short while when we broke up previously and then deleted the app once we got back together. I think the bad behavior was not frequent those other times, but once the children left and when I came back, oh all bets were off. When he refused to read me as a friend, that was a major red flag. I can't believe I allowed that I should have taken a HUGE step back when that happened. Hindsight is really funny. That was another example of my lack of confidence in my intuition. That was a perfect example of how I don't trust myself enough to listen to my inner voice because it was screaming loudly at that time. I ignored.

 

He was just playing games with me, manipulating me. He wasn't very god at it because it didn't last very long this time. He was rather careless about covering it up. I think looking back if was clear to see that I loved more, cared more, worked harder, invested more than he did. I think he tried. He was listening more,communicating more, but real work? No. He was just thinking about having a good time. Like a teenager with new freedom. Kids were gone so he was able to do whatever, whenever. He doesn't even pay a dime in child support, so financially he could be careless as well. I just see a person who has no direction on life. He works hard, but for what? I can't tell you one thing he was working toward. Not a single goal. Just living day to day. His job is his top priority. That reminds me of a time we had a discussion, well it was an argument that shouldn't be an argument because he was screaming. He said to me, "my kids and my job are my top priority. I don't have time for anything else!" Kids and job should be top priority, but he never seemed to fit me in there..especially since I was such a major part of his life. There were only a few times he ever said the kids and I were his life. Those comments stuck with me because they hurt my feelings. He could care less if I stayed or went because I think he never really cared about the relationship. It was never really a priority and I refused to see that. If it was a priority, he would have taken better care of it and he never would have thrown it away so many times. He was just looking for excuses to throw it away most of the time. All these things make sense now. My therapist could have been very correct when he said the evidence he left around was left around intentionally. Subconscious or not.

 

Knowing all of these things, I think I'll set higher standards for myself whenever I decide to give love a chance again with someone new. I don't think I'll ever be open to love as easily as I used to. Not after what I experienced. That was a major lesson I've learned. You just can't trust people so easily. Not when it comes to your heart.

 

This weekend, I'm going to relax. We will be leaving town on Sunday afternoon to go to my sisters house. I'm really looking forward to the week off. I want to use the time to recharge, accept everything that happened, rest, and most importantly, spend quality time with my nephew. I really need this break.

 

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Any of you doing anything special?