Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone.

 

I understand everyone here is trying to help me. You all know the suffering I've been through in this relationship and I know you genuinely don't want to see me hurt anymore. What is so special about writing in this forum is that when I cannot see clearly, you all have been my voice of reason. I know no one can force me to do anything. Blocking him is not only an action It's so much more than that. It's a place that I have to reach mentally because I'm ready to move on with my life. I know each and everyone one of you understand..some because you have been in my shoes. I do still hold on to false hope and I fully well know it's false hope. I need to protect myself. I've said all these same things before. I know I'm going through the exact same scenario that I went through the last breakup and the one before that. An educated guess would tell you the same thing will happen again. Here I am telling you again, this time it's really over because I know I won't be the one to reach out to him.

 

All this talk about him showing up. Earlier this evening I went back to the office because I left my old cell phone. I had it backing up to the computer and it was taking too long so I said that I'd leave it there and come back in the evening. I pull into my parking lot and there he is washing his truck at the car wash. I'm still driving a loaner vehicle so I don't think he saw me. I know he didn't go there to intentionally run into me because it was in the evening when I'm not normally at my workplace. This was just a coincidence, but I will say it did bring on a lot of emotions. Seeing him really hurt. I really feel hurt by everything that happened. I think I've just been burying the pain somehow. I feel lost even though I know where I'm headed. I know I'll get through this. I just have to leave it all behind. It hurts that he just left things the way they are. I mean I don't expect him to say anything, but it just hurts that he knows he did things to hurt me. It shows that it was all a lie. The entire relationship was a lie. I'm human and it hurts. I know there has been a lot of talk about this cycle, but I think the both of us are ready to move on. In march when I contacted him, he was never going to try to get back together if I hadn't contacted him. It was only because I suggested and he took the opportunity. He went into it with half of his foot because he knew he was doing me wrong in that short amount of time. I left again this time and he won't try to fix it. He's not going to try to manipulate the situation again. I just don't see that happening this time. It has gone too far. He never resoonded to those messages I sent 3 weeks ago. Months will go by and I doubt I'll hear from him. And that's ok. I really need to get to a place where I'm just ok with everything. I know I'll be ok. I'm headed in the right direction and I know I can't live the way I was living anymore. I know I don't have a future with him and I know things will only get worse if I was to even think about returning to that relationship.

 

I really hate that we live in the same vicinity of each other. Right now, since everything is so fresh, it difficult to see him. I'm so tired of going through this, the breakups, the pain, the healing...the whole process. I hate it. I don't ever want to deal with this ever again..I want it gone from me.

[Ksol9]

But I remember last time you said similar things about him, yet you went back anyway (with some encouragement to "give it one more try"). Some people decided he was "hurting" and encouraged you to reach out to him. And then all this happened.

 

That's why changing your number is a great idea. With time, you might minimize what happened, you might think "Maybe I've been wrong about him!", especially when you "miss" him. You'll justify everything he did or decide you overreacted. The vulnerability will be there.

 

But I don't think you'll reach out to him. And if you change your number he can't reach out to you. It's to protect yourself. Sometimes (lots of times lol!) we do things that are not good for us, so we need to be proactive to protect ourselves.

 

You're so right about this. Lately anytime I write, I stop and think how foolish I sound because I've said very similar things in the past, yet I ended up right back in that relationship. In my mind, things really took a major turn when the children left. It was me who broke Nc this last time. He wouldn't have otherwise. The same goes for this time. I don't believe he will be breaking nc and if he is, it won't be anytime soon. If the text comes later down the line, it'll be blocked or I'll just be able to ignore. Either way, I'd be willing to bet he's in no rush to patch things up. That doesn't really matter to me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have hope inside. I do, but it's not at the forefront of my mind. I'm not waiting for him. I'm not monitoring his activity. I don't care if he comes back or if never comes back. I just care about getting through each day without any pain. Right now I'm just trying to get to a place where this doesn't matter to me anymore. There are days where it bothers me more than others. For example, when I saw him yesterday....as I was driving home I was in tears. I did begin to question myself saying the exact words you stated above...maybe I was wrong? Did I overreact? I quickly combatted those thoughts because no matter how you look at it, he was wrong for both things I found that day. Everything else that has been found dating back to those Facebook searches a year ago add up. He was looking for and kept the door open for an opportunity for casual sex. Given the opportunity, he will take it. He is an opportunist. I do not want that life. Period. I'm not going back. I will never open the door myself and if he does come knocking, it will be too late.

 

I have anxiety again. It came back the minute I saw him and hasn't left. I'll try to soothe it by the time I get up for work.

 

Hope everyone has a geat day today.

[figureitout23]

I think even with the minor set back you are doing SO much better than before and I do think this time is different. I think if you continue on this road you wont have to worry about going through the stages of grief. They will hurt, but I don't think you will be stuck like before.

[lostlove76]

But I remember last time you said similar things about him, yet you went back anyway (with some encouragement to "give it one more try"). Some people decided he was "hurting" and encouraged you to reach out to him. And then all this happened.

 

Since this has been mentioned several times, and since it's obviously directed mostly at me, I will reply to it. I don't think it's helpful or kind to imply over and over again that some of us gave "bad advice." I firmly believe that had ksol not gone back and tried again, and subsequently found solid proof that he was doing sketchy things, she would have remained stuck in the same exact mindset of wanting him back,and would have been stuck for a very long time. Her strength and resolve this time is 1000 X greater than any time before. She said herself when she contacted him that some kind of movement needed to be made. This final try seems to have been what she needed to break out of the deep depression, to finally see exactly what he's made of, and to take her power back. Regardless, we are all only trying our best to help here. There is no 100% right or wrong path to be taken; what works for one person may not work for another. The "subtle" calling out of "bad advice" just had me a bit irked, so I wanted to say something.

 

... but, still love ya anyways

[lostlove76]

Anyways, moving on. Hi ksol. I'm sorry you've been experiencing anxiety. I'm sure I would feel the same thing if I had to see mine around town; at this point, I'm super thankful that he doesn't live here anymore. I know it puts you on edge to see him around; what bad luck that he is always popping up beside you while driving.

 

You've spoken of wanting to be rid of the anger, and I know what you mean, because it can feel really unpleasant and unhealthy. Right now, though, it is a form of self-protection. It will keep you on the right path. With time, the anger will lessen and forgiveness will come, but by that time you hopefully won't have any twinges of wanting him back, and forgiveness won't make you vulnerable to him.

 

Did the anxiety decrease any throughout today? I hope so. Remember to self-care. It's crucial to get enough sleep and eat properly; anxiety becomes a million times worse when you don't do those two basic things.

 

Keep on hanging in there - you're really doing a great job at coping with this! I know it still hurts, but just think of how many miles you've come and how much progess you've made. That's really something to be proud of.

 

And just like I've been telling myself, when the next guy comes along, you'll be aware of what signs to look for, and you won't tolerate anything less than exactly what you need, want, and deserve.

[jenny_mcs]

Hi Ksol- I'm so happy for the progress you made, and sorry you are having a bit of a setback. I think you just need to be patient with yourself. Some people just really get under your skin. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s the wrong people. I don’t think it really matters if you block his number or not. In the end, it’s you learning the lesson of being able to say “That is not for me” - and once you have truly embraced that, it won’t matter if you never hear from him again or if he shows up at your door, or anything in between.

 

 

I can tell by your posts that you are in such a better place than you were after the other break-ups. Keep moving forward. All the stuff you are doing (therapy, new course/career, exercise, etc) is working- some days it might not seem like it, but I have faith that you will make it through this and come out on the other side. (hugs)

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone, I'm doing ok. Just wanted to post a quick update as I don't have much time to write. I'd like to come back later to respond in more detail to recent posts.

 

I wanted to tell you all about something that happened. I'm pretty sure many of you would not agree with my actions. I know it was wrong, but I am being honest. It may have set me back a bit, but it was eye opening and brought me, what I think, the last bit of confirmation that I needed. I have been running into him often the past few days and as a result, I have been bargaining with myself. The car wash, the stop light...I woke up yesterday in the morning and I had an instinct to go over there knowing he wouldn't be home. Don't ask...I know it sounds crazy. I said to myself I was going to drop off the gate pass, his community card, and gather the rest of my things. Of course it was just an excuse. He wasn't home and I took a chance. To my surprise, he didn't change the security code to the door. As soon as I walk in I saw a condom on the coffee table. I laughed..who leaves stuff like this everywhere??. I go to the bedroom, my things, clothes, shoes, bags are still in place. Toothbrush still in the bathroom..everything just like I left it. I opened his sock drawer..another condom. I stop at the computer desk. I see a receipt printed from his statement to a massage parlor. The charge was dated 5/12/2017..which is also the last time he contacted me. Imagine that..the day he last contacted me saying he didn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship! There were 2 other charges for subsequent visits to different locations a week after. He wrote a note on it disputing the charge saying he did not authorize the $167 charge and that the Asian massage spa should have only changed $67. I literally laughed out loud. Remember those condoms I found?? Well it all makes sense now. I'm sure everyone else made sense of it from the beginning, but I wanted to believe the condoms didn't have a link. He is using these condoms at the massage parlor and presumably with prostitues. I know I've gotten all the evidence I needed prior to this, but something just came over me to go over there and I made a decision in my mind as I walked out. It really was the last thing i needed to close this door. I shouldn't be confused after yesterday and I will not.

 

I've always said that everything happens for a reason. I went there yesterday and saw exactly what I found before. Condoms and massage parlor receipts. That is a clear sign he is going to massage parlors regularly to get happy endings. I was bargaining with myself saying that even if he didn't get a happy ending, he lied to me about going there. I am absolutely positive that he is going to these places to get happy endings and he did it while we were in a relationship. Remember last year, I said our sex life dwindled? I know why now. There is no more doubt in my mind, I am so sure that this man was cheating and he has been doing it for a long time. Maybe throughout the entire relationship. I am going to forget about him if it's the last thing I do and I will do it soon. Very soon. I want this out of my system. I don't want to ever be with him ever again. He lives a dirty life and a dangerous one. He would have given me a disease if that would have carried on. I needed to see this one last time to open my eyes. I needed it to re-enforce my decision. I know you all may not agree, but I needed to see it. I really did. He will never contact me because he knows I know what he has been doing. I know for a fact he is not seeing anyone new and does not have any casual female friends he is sleeping with. He is sleeping with prositutes and is obsessed with going to these massage parlors. I've only been gone for 3 weeks. He will never make that mistake of trying to manipulate me back into that relationship. He was betraying me for over 2 years. I regret ever falling in love with him. Whatever love I still have for him, I will make sure dies. He will never have the opportunity to destroy me ever again. All this time he was making me feel like I was the one who was damaging the relationship. I was right about him all along. To think I slept next to this man for over 2 years just gives me chills.

 

I sat last night and deleted all photos of him in my phone. I deleted his contact info. Anything I could find, I threw away. There will be no reminders of him anywhere. I have deactivated the instagram and Facebook accounts used to view his social media activity should I ever get curious to look. I even deactivated my personal Facebook account. I'm blocking him out completely from my mind. This is a commitment I am making to myself. I will never step foot in that house ever again. This dirty life that he's living is exactly how he wants to live. He's happy with his life. All the decisions he made regarding his children and our relationship is exactly what he wanted. He is happy. I respect all those decisions because they are what he wants. I have my own life to live and my own happiness to achieve. He will no longer control that. He is just scum to me. I'm not blocking him out because I think he will come looking for me, I'm blocking him out because I want to move on with my life. Am I hurt? Very much so, but I think I just did not want to believe he was this person and it's so so important that I get to a place where I don't ever want to be with him again. No more settling. He is this person and I need to work on reminding myself that there is no question that he was unfaithful and was doing it in the most dangerous and deceitful way. I just want to move on with my life and I want to forget about everything that happened. I know he will never come back to say a word to me after this. He knows I've got him figured out. This is about me. I have to do what I have to do to make sure I am not stuck and dwelling in pain like I did the other times. This is different than all the other times and I know I hold all the cards to make sure I keep going and never look back.

 

I hope you all won't be too upset with me for going back in there. I know it was wrong to do, but I needed to see those things. I realized immediately there is no more reason to look for anything more. I have all my answers. If I continue to look or keep up with him, I will only hurt myself. I know exactly what he is doing with his spare time so there is no need to see anymore. Im not going to subject myself to anymore pain over and over again. In my mind, this is over no ifs ands or buts.

[Clarisse]

I'm not going to comment on the snooping but do hope you get an SDT test as soon as possible. He's been engaging in risky behaviors for a long time, from what it sounds like, condoms or no condoms.

 

I hope you find peace and healing, Ksol. There are much better men out there.

[Ksol9]

I think even with the minor set back you are doing SO much better than before and I do think this time is different. I think if you continue on this road you wont have to worry about going through the stages of grief. They will hurt, but I don't think you will be stuck like before.

 

This is my hope figureitout23. I'm definitely not experiencing the paralyzingly pain I used to go through before during previous breakups. I am in a completely different place. I just don't feel to that extent. I know this time is different. It's different because this whole cycle ends here. This is way to ruined to even think about repair. I am going to continue all the things I've sought out to do, so I hope you're right. I truly hope I don't have to worry about the stages of grief. I know it will hurt regardless, but I don't think I'll be stuck either. I really would like to wake up one day soon and not be affected by this at all. I'm in a rush to get to the point.

[Ksol9]

Anyways, moving on. Hi ksol. I'm sorry you've been experiencing anxiety. I'm sure I would feel the same thing if I had to see mine around town; at this point, I'm super thankful that he doesn't live here anymore. I know it puts you on edge to see him around; what bad luck that he is always popping up beside you while driving.

 

You've spoken of wanting to be rid of the anger, and I know what you mean, because it can feel really unpleasant and unhealthy. Right now, though, it is a form of self-protection. It will keep you on the right path. With time, the anger will lessen and forgiveness will come, but by that time you hopefully won't have any twinges of wanting him back, and forgiveness won't make you vulnerable to him.

 

Did the anxiety decrease any throughout today? I hope so. Remember to self-care. It's crucial to get enough sleep and eat properly; anxiety becomes a million times worse when you don't do those two basic things.

 

Keep on hanging in there - you're really doing a great job at coping with this! I know it still hurts, but just think of how many miles you've come and how much progess you've made. That's really something to be proud of.

 

And just like I've been telling myself, when the next guy comes along, you'll be aware of what signs to look for, and you won't tolerate anything less than exactly what you need, want, and deserve.

 

Hey lostlove, nice to hear from you.

 

The anxiety isn't so bad. I just feel like what I saw yesterday was another blow. Similar to finding the receipts. Im sort of numb. I guess I'm processing. I don't care if what I saw set me back. It was definitely confirmation that this man is living a reckless life. It's all in front of my face. The feelings of missing him or love are very faint. I guess it's being covered up by anger right now. The anger is what's really helping me throughout my days and to be honest, I hope I carry this anger until he is fully out of my system. Then I can worry about the anger. I think you're right about all of it. The anger will carry me through.

 

This weekend I'm going to focus on self care and I'm going to study as much as I can. I've got to get myself on track. I really hate him for how this turned out, but it is what it is and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. I really wish I could find a way to stop having tjroughts of him and the situation. I don't want to deal with it anymore. It makes me feel sick.

 

How are things with you? I hope things have been going well with you.

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol- I'm so happy for the progress you made, and sorry you are having a bit of a setback. I think you just need to be patient with yourself. Some people just really get under your skin. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s the wrong people. I don’t think it really matters if you block his number or not. In the end, it’s you learning the lesson of being able to say “That is not for me” - and once you have truly embraced that, it won’t matter if you never hear from him again or if he shows up at your door, or anything in between.

 

 

I can tell by your posts that you are in such a better place than you were after the other break-ups. Keep moving forward. All the stuff you are doing (therapy, new course/career, exercise, etc) is working- some days it might not seem like it, but I have faith that you will make it through this and come out on the other side. (hugs)

 

Hi Jenny. Thank you for the encouragement. I think you're right, it doesn't matter if I block him out or not, at the end of the day it is me finding the acceptance that this relationship is not for me and will never be ever again. I have to let him go and be ok with it. I don't care if I ever hear from him again. I don't have words for him anymore. I used to but after yesterday, not anymore.

 

I hope things do get easier as time goes by. I don't want to ever feel like I am stuck or in pain over him ever again. He just

Isn't worth it. What he did to me is unforgivable. I think I really need to forgive myself for being so stupid for so long.

 

Thank you again.

[Ksol9]

I'm not going to comment on the snooping but do hope you get an SDT test as soon as possible. He's been engaging in risky behaviors for a long time, from what it sounds like, condoms or no condoms.

 

I hope you find peace and healing, Ksol. There are much better men out there.

 

Hi there. That was my first thought. STD and aids testing. I have to get this done. It is a priority. I think the fact that I have been exposed for so long is what scares me the most out of this whole situation. In the manner he was cheating is just the scariest thing I've ever been through to date.

 

I truly hope and pray from this point forward I find peace. I really really do. This has been a horrible experience and I wish I get some relief from the anxiety and pain from here on. I can't take it anymore.

 

Thank you for your support

[boltnrun]

You are doing better than I did.

 

Know what I did when I went to my ex's house (while we were still allegedly in a relationship!) and found stains on his sheets? I calmly pulled the sheets off the bed and put them in the wash! And stayed! Yes, I did. Know what I did when I saw a text he'd sent to his ex that said "Wish I was there with you, I'm nothing without you"? Yep, I stayed. When he introduced me to a woman he'd met (and was trying to sleep with) by saying "This is my bestest friend Boltnrun" instead of saying "This is my girlfriend Boltnrun"? Yep, again, I stayed.

 

There's more. Much more.

 

I know what pathetic is because I was the dictionary definition of the word. So when I give advice it's from a place of doing just about everything self-esteem destroying that a woman could do, just to keep this absolute piece of garbage man. Why? Oh yeah, because I "loved" him! And I really hate to see anyone do to themselves what I did to myself.

 

I'm having a really hard time forgiving myself for humiliating myself the way I did. All I can do now is resolve to never, ever be that woman again.

 

If seeing all that you saw makes you resolve to never go down that road again, then that's all that matters.

 

PS: I am curious, did you remove your things from his house? And yes, a full STD workup including HIV test is definitely called for.

[Clarisse]

I'm not going to comment on the snooping but do hope you get an SDT test as soon as possible. He's been engaging in risky behaviors for a long time, from what it sounds like, condoms or no condoms.

 

I hope you find peace and healing, Ksol. There are much better men out there.

 

STD. Sheesh.

[Ksol9]

Hey bolt. I'm really sorry you had to experience all of that. Now I understand what is behind your wisdom. I really appreciate you for always trying to steer me in the right direction when you know and see that I'm heading wrong.

 

Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for allowing the things you did at that time. What you endured is the reason you are so strong today. It's not humiliating or anything to be ashamed of. I empathize with you because I never thought I would experience a man that would test my self worth like this piece of trash just did.

 

I got a message from him this evening. It read...I haven't seen you around lately. Are you ok? I was in shock. I wasn't expecting that so soon or even at all, but I guess you and others were right. I had to look at the number again to make sure it was him because Just last night I deleted everything out of my phone. This is how men like this operate. This is how boldfaced scum operate. I really hate him. I was just in his home. I saw condoms everywhere like he is some sort of sick psycho sex addict. There was probably a prostitue in his bed that night. I know it wasn't some random chick. He's paying for sex! Bet my last dollar on that. I feel like responding...I'm busy moving on with my mf'n life, (excuse my language) but that's too good for him. Yes, I'm enraged. I decided not to respond. He'll go away.

 

I don't know if he knew I was in his house or if he noticed I deactivated my Facebook. Something prompted him to contact me. I didn't take my things out of the house. I was so disgusted I just left. I honestly didn't even care about my belongings to begin with. I just needed to give myself a reason to go in. I don't know what the text was about and I'm not so naive to believe he's really concerned about me because he hasn't seen me around. He didn't care about me when he was exposing me to diseases from the risky behavior he was engaging in.

 

This relationship is ruined. I have far better chances to find someone who will treat me better. I'm almost convinced he has some sort of problem like a sex addiction or something along those lines. He's no regular cheater. He's sick in the head. After what I saw in that house yesterday, I am just turned off completely. I could never let him touch me, let alone give him any of my trust ever again. If he doesn't want me to tell him what I really think of him, he better stay away. I'm trying to hold my composure. I'm a lady and I know I said I had no words, but I really want to tell him what I really think of him. This anger is no joke.

[Ksol9]

No problem clasrisse. I understood what you meant.

[boltnrun]

That text is on par with "Hey, how are you?" He's pretending nothing happened, fully expecting you to be so eager to be with him that you'll just brush everything under the rug and trip over yourself rushing over to spend the night with him.

 

Nope, no reason to respond.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey bolt. I'm really sorry you had to experience all of that. Now I understand what is behind your wisdom. I really appreciate you for always trying to steer me in the right direction when you know and see that I'm heading wrong.

 

Give yourself permission to forgive yourself for allowing the things you did at that time. What you endured is the reason you are so strong today. It's not humiliating or anything to be ashamed of. I empathize with you because I never thought I would experience a man that would test my self worth like this piece of trash just did.

 

I got a message from him this evening. It read...I haven't seen you around lately. Are you ok? I was in shock. I wasn't expecting that so soon or even at all, but I guess you and others were right. I had to look at the number again to make sure it was him because Just last night I deleted everything out of my phone. This is how men like this operate. This is how boldfaced scum operate. I really hate him. I was just in his home. I saw condoms everywhere like he is some sort of sick psycho sex addict. There was probably a prostitue in his bed that night. I know it wasn't some random chick. He's paying for sex! Bet my last dollar on that. I feel like responding...I'm busy moving on with my mf'n life, (excuse my language) but that's too good for him. Yes, I'm enraged. I decided not to respond. He'll go away.

 

I don't know if he knew I was in his house or if he noticed I deactivated my Facebook. Something prompted him to contact me. I didn't take my things out of the house. I was so disgusted I just left. I honestly didn't even care about my belongings to begin with. I just needed to give myself a reason to go in. I don't know what the text was about and I'm not so naive to believe he's really concerned about me because he hasn't seen me around. He didn't care about me when he was exposing me to diseases from the risky behavior he was engaging in.

 

This relationship is ruined. I have far better chances to find someone who will treat me better. I'm almost convinced he has some sort of problem like a sex addiction or something along those lines. He's no regular cheater. He's sick in the head. After what I saw in that house yesterday, I am just turned off completely. I could never let him touch me, let alone give him any of my trust ever again. If he doesn't want me to tell him what I really think of him, he better stay away. I'm trying to hold my composure. I'm a lady and I know I said I had no words, but I really want to tell him what I really think of him. This anger is no joke.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but at the same time, I am glad for you because this is where the healing begins. This is how you start to move forward -- no longer idealizing him or the relationship, realizing who he really is and realizing that YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER.

 

I remember, for awhile, being worried that my ex would try to come back and that I wouldn't be strong enough to turn him down. What I kept coming back to, though, and what I repeated to myself over and over again until it stuck, was this: I would MUCH rather take my chances with someone who hasn't hurt me before. The odds are infinitely better for an entirely new relationship to work out than they are for yet another go-around for a relationship that just wasn't right for you.

 

I this hurts, but this anger is GOOD. This is you, on your way to bigger, better, healthier things. No more denial. No more waiting for him to be someone he isn't. No more putting yourself on hold for someone who simply isn't worth it. No more suffering. You are in charge of your own destiny. It's liberating, isn't it?

 

Keep going; you're doing great! I totally understand the inclination to tell him what you think of him, but I don't think that's wise right now. If you feel like you have to get it all out, just write it all down, and then burn it. Don't respond. Silence speaks volumes. It's louder than anything you could actually say.

 

Onward!

[Ksol9]

You're both completely right. That text is exactly along the lines of any text he could send send acting like a total dummy, like nothing happened, seeing if he could brush it all under the rug. He's got to be out of his mind to think I'm going to pretend I don't know he is using condoms to go to massage parlors on a usual basis.

 

My thoughts are exactly...I mean exactly what you stated beg. I would much rather take my chances with someone who hasn't hurt me. The odds are better. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of me going back, but this anger is something I've never experienced before. I don't think he is smart or wise enough to get through it. He won't be able to manipulate through this anger. I don't see myself going back to him. I agree that silence speaks volumes. The old proverb that silence is golden is the best way to handle this matter. He'll go away when he sees there isn't anything he can say to wheel me back. As bolt said, he thinks I'm going to jump at any chance to be with him, that I'll be eager to respond. I literally have a knot in my throat. I don't want that life. It makes me really sad, but I just don't want it.

[boltnrun]

Just remember, he's been intimate with strangers, women who have sexual encounters for a living. That alone should turn yourself off from wanting to make love with him ever again.

[Ksol9]

Yes, I would be doing a huge injustice to myself by letting him back in my life. No amount of love that I have for him will make me ever accept a man who indulges in that type of life outside of our relationship. I thought about it throughout the night...he can come, he can go, I don't care...I'm don't want the life he's offering me. I'm a woman and I'm a damn good woman at that. He cannot keep anything good. That is why he lost his wife and kids and now me. He can keep his massage parlors and prostitues. Im moving on and I could care less if he wants to hang around and watch. He needs professional help. I'm not willing to stand beside him.

[Ksol9]

Literally right after posting my last post...I ran into him on the road again. I was typing my post as I sat in the bank drive thru waiting for my deposit. I pulled out of the parking lot on to the main road and there he is right next to me again. When the light turned green, I tried to keep my distance. He slowed down. His window was down. As I passed him, he look over and smiled at me. I have very dark tinted windows so I quickly glanced and carried on my way. Very strange that when I don't want to see this person, we happen to cross paths daily.

 

I immediately thought about what was discussed in therapy last week. We attract what we think. It's also a coincidence that when I went into his home that day, on the coffee table I saw he was reading the book, "the secret". A book about the law of attraction. Seems to be a theme. I'm spending the day taking care of myself. I went to get my nails done earlier. Then I went to my favorite Chinese restaurant. Now I am home cuddled in bed on this rainy day. I love rainy days. I am going to study for a few hours and then do some cleaning. I'm really enjoying today. Nothing important on the agenda. It's just all about me today.

 

I don't feel anything. Nothing at all. I am optimistic about the future. I feel some sadness when I think about him and what became of our relationship, but it's not overwhelming. I can compare the pain to a needle ing your finger. lol. I hate him and I don't like the word hate. It's not very nice, but hate is what is keeping me on my two feet. I'll deal with the anger later.

 

I wanted to say something about what lostlove touched on the other day about those who encouraged me to make some sort of movement when we got back together. I wasn't ready to move on. I was waiting for him to come get me and I was so impatient that I jumped at any excuse to contact him. I spoke about this with my counselor and I asked him if I had any blame in what transpired. He simply said it was the both of us. We were both in on this dance with eachother. He also said I encouraged him. I didn't understand what he meant by that until recently. He meant that I played the perfect part..the perfect role. I allowed him to intimidate me. I allowed him to steal my self worth. I never stood up for myself or set any boundaries. I was too afraid. So I made it very easy for him to do what he was doing to me and behind my back. We both played important roles in why the on and off was happening...and it happened by the book. That cycle has to be broken and I realize I hold all the cards. I don't see him pulling any different tricks out of his hat to wheel me back in and if he does, I have therapy and all of you here to help me along the way. As I see it, the prize is the future I am building for myself as we speak. I am the very beginning stages, but I'll make it there. I am excited about my future. I no longer care that I lost him. He is of no use to me and life with him is no life at all. Life is so beautiful and to be with someone who treats me as dark as the world he lives in....makes me so sick to my stomach. I had to go through all of this. All these hardships...I believe they were all necessary. This is who I am meant to be. The woman I am becoming and the woman I will be is a result of all of these horrible things I've experienced. I'll find the right person to share my life with....when the time is right.

[figureitout23]

Ksol, maybe discuss your fear of going through grief with your counselor. You're angry right now and its keeping you strong, but you're not, or you shouldn't be, angry forever. If you are you're not actually moving on and he will still have a hold on you. The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference.

 

I find his interactions with you interesting, I think his text could mean one of two things. He either threw out the text to see if you've softened to him yet or he knows you were in his place rummaging around.

(I will also keep my comments to myself about this ) The timing is just incredibly coincidental so I do wonder if he knows. From what you've described, it does seem he thinks hes going to be able to slink back in. Do yourself a favor and prove him wrong. But again, I really don't think its healthy to remain in this anger stage. Whether you're stuck in despair or stuck in rage, you're still stuck.

[boltnrun]

I haven't read all the pages of your journal, ksol, but these items kind of stood out for me so I am quoting them. To me this indicates that the pattern hasn't changed in well over a year:

 

From April 2016:

“This morning I woke up with anger. I know anger is part of the process but this is an anger that I haven't felt before and it's to a different degree. It is from a place of strength. I realize I may never be at peace with what happened between him and I. I'm angry that he is treating me like what we had never mattered. I feel like it was a total lie. If he wants nothing to do with me or is expecting me to peek my head in on him, then he can go where the sun doesn't shine. I'm worth so much more and this isn't a game. My heart is not a toy and you are right about everything you said, this was HIS choice. He chose to give up. He believes life is better without me. Well, I will give him that. That's how much I love him. Enough to give him what he wants and more. I've always went above and beyond to make sure HE is happy. If me not being in his life makes him happy, I'll give him that.”

 

“Unbelievable!!

He just sent a text. His text read, "hi how have you been?"

 

From yesterday:

“The feelings of missing him or love are very faint. I guess it's being covered up by anger right now. The anger is what's really helping me throughout my days and to be honest, I hope I carry this anger until he is fully out of my system. Then I can worry about the anger. I think you're right about all of it. The anger will carry me through.”

 

“I got a message from him this evening. It read...I haven't seen you around lately. Are you ok? I was in shock. I wasn't expecting that...”

 

I'm really hoping this time the pattern will be broken, by YOU, and that you won't feel compelled to give him one more chance. Because I truly believe it will be just one more time of him stomping all over your love for him, one more time of you feeling like you need to pretend everything's "different" this time, one more time insisting that the two of you are communicating so much better, etc. Because you've seen irrefutable proof that when you're apart from him, he seeks outside sexual entertainment. And that's not OK with you.

 

The right man for you will put you through none of this pain, anxiety and fear.

[Ksol9]

Thank you both figureitout and bolt.

 

I did the exact thing earlier...I went through my journal and read through certain posts. I read the very first post of this journal and I said to myself..nothing much has really changed. We are still spinning in the same cycle. Bolt, you are correct and I seem to be blinded much of the time...this is a pattern that has not changed in over a year.

 

I'm really tired of living this way and I want change. You said it perfectly. When I am not around, he seeks outside sexual entertainment and that is not ok. I don't know what woman would be ok with that. Going back would mean more pain, anxiety, fear. All the emotions that are killing me and robbing the life right out of slowly. Not to mention the risk of disease he would be exposing me to. I don't want to live my life like that. Every time I leave the house or if he is out of my sight, I will be thinking he is looking for an opportunity to do these things. In my face, he will do it. He can act as a loyal lover and friend and will turn around and lie right in my face. I shouldn't forget about the shady behavior on social media. I don't want to deal with the details of what it would take to make sure he is not betraying me. That relationship would be utter hell to go back to. I'm not interested in pretending that everything is ok...I'm not even capable of pretending to like him much less be nice to him. I don't see myself anywhere near any of that. I'm disgusted. I haven't responded. He may just leave me alone and if he pops his head in again to check later on, I will insult him. I won't bite my tongue. I am going to tell him what I think of him and the dirty worthless life he leads. He was calling me insecure any chance he got, but I can assure you he is the insecure one and once he hears the truth I have to tell him about himself, he will not think twice about crossing any boundaries with me. My biggest mistake was being too ice to him..not letting him know the true me by holding back what I really thought. I know I've gone back many times and I know this is a pattern. I really don't see how he is going to be able to turn on some magical charm to get through this anger and disgust I have for him. He's too lazy to put in that much work to manipulate the situation. Either way, there's no future with that man. I don't take him seriously one single bit.

 

You both are exactly right. He knows how easy it was in the past to get me back. He knows I love him. I feel numb inside. I don't think I even have any love for him. I don't know what I have other than hatred. It might be a stage, but I don't see it going anywhere anytime soon. I'm going to focus my spare time on being selfish. I'm taking care of myself for once. Call me naive, but I don't see he wiggling through this one. Not the way things are this time. It takes 2 willing parties and I have lost all respect for him. I am no longer willing. I just don't care about this badly damaged relationship anymore. It's fake...and it always was.