Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Nina95]

Thank you Clarisse. I too felt humiliated, but it's empowering in the sense that I'm doing whatever it takes to move forward as you said. Self care and peace of mind. It really is top priority right now.

 

I am trying very hard to remain positive. I'm not faking it through any of this. The power of the mind is no joke. i still have feelings for him, but they are buried deep somewhere. The feelings have also permanently been altered...I have lost all respect for him.. I have to change my life. There is nothing about life with him that is good for me. It will never work. I've read it all across this forum..you can only move on if you focus solely on improving yourself. That is the only way to win. There is a huge difference between this time and the other breakups...I'm really moving on..no hope, no waiting, no wishing..I'm just done. Period.

 

Thank you for you support..as always.

Dont feel humiliated, anyone can be a victim of a cheat and a liar at some point. Like you said, it's self care. And it only shows you are a responsible person. I still remember when I had to get my tests, ughh. That week in between to get the results back is so nerve-racking! Glad everything went great. By the way, your doctor is a bit of a psycho lol..he read the Negative results one by one?!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, just checking in to say hello. Congrats on the negative test results! I know that offers huge peace of mind. Now you know you can start fresh with a clean slate in all areas. I envy your feelings of being completely done. I didn't feel that way when things ended with mine, and I'm sure that's why it took me a year to even start to feel better. I never want to go through that kind of hell again, and I know you don't either. Hopefully we have both learned to stick up for ourselves and not get so deeply involved with these guys who are throwing out red flags all over the place. You posted about being too nice... honestly, I think the majority of women have that problem in relationships. We're nurturers, we're people-pleasers, we're insecure, and we place a huge importance on making our relationships work. Therefore, we put up with a lot of crap that we shouldn't. Whereas men, for the most part, just do whatever they want and whatever makes them feel good. They know we'll most likely stick with them through it all.... until we reach our breaking point, but that takes a long long time. So don't beat yourself up for being too nice - I really do think it's a very common dynamic in relationships. We don't have to be that way, though. We can learn to be confident and speak up for what we want and expect.

 

I've been doing pretty well lately. The Zoloft has helped tremendously. I don't think I could have climbed out of my hole without it. Nothing is perfect, but it's much improved. I'm so very thankful to have my family, and a job that is perfect for me right now.

 

Forgive me if you mentioned this in any of your posts - I read them the day you write them, so I may have forgotten some things you've said... How are your sleeping patterns lately? Are you able to fall asleep and get enough hours? I know you said that worrying about the test results was keeping you up, but now that that fear has been eased, are you getting enough sleep? I'm still having trouble. I usually can't fall asleep until daylight, and even then, I keep waking up. The Benadryl is barely even helping. I have such an overactive mind that I just can't fully relax.

 

Anyways, just wanted to say hi!! I'm still so pleased that you're doing so well. You have a lot to offer, and you will one day find a guy worthy of it. They aren't ALL bad, even though it seems that way. I have some great examples of quality men in my own family. Just focus on you right now, like you're doing, and eventually a good one will come along.

 

Hope you have a great weekend! Chat again soon

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol.

I'm so so glad to read on your progress. I don't post a lot but do continue to log in every week or so. I'm very glad you are keeping around all the good and important people in your life, always remember them and keep them close.

The above was a beautiful post, full of positive energy and kind words, I loved that and made me happy somehow! Great news on your test results. Keep moving forward, everything you need to do it is already within you, just take it one day at a time. Sometimes in life it's just done, and you walk away and move on. No need for ugly words or complaints or explanations, no formal goodbyes, just done, no more. I read this quote somewhere once that I try to remember when life disappoints me: if you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow. You are on the right track I feel. Proud of you!

 

Hi LoveNc, nice to hear from you and thanks for following along. The support from you all means a lot.

 

The quote you wrote in this post stood out to me. I'd be lying if I said deep down inside everything that happened doesn't bother me still. I keep trying to remind myself that it would be really pointless to hope for more words, for an apology, an explanation, or even to unleash what I really think of him. It won't do me any good because it definitely won't change the outcome. I'm burying the feelings somehow. I don't think I've ever been so upset and disappoited by someone in my entire life.

I also think what said about focusing on the hurt will cause me to suffer is very powerful. I had a little bit of a difficult evening yesterday for that very reason. I was thinking too deeply on what he did to hurt me. There's no need to sulk over spilled milk. In fact, spilled and spoiled milk...just going to throw it out and move on. (Notice I didn't say "cry". Haven't shed a single tear over him in weeks.)

 

Thank you for your support.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, I was waiting until I got home so that I could reply to your post on my laptop. It's too difficult to do so on my cell. I'm very happy to hear from you btw.

 

Hi ksol, just checking in to say hello. Congrats on the negative test results! I know that offers huge peace of mind. Now you know you can start fresh with a clean slate in all areas. I envy your feelings of being completely done. I didn't feel that way when things ended with mine, and I'm sure that's why it took me a year to even start to feel better. I never want to go through that kind of hell again, and I know you don't either. Hopefully we have both learned to stick up for ourselves and not get so deeply involved with these guys who are throwing out red flags all over the place. You posted about being too nice... honestly, I think the majority of women have that problem in relationships. We're nurturers, we're people-pleasers, we're insecure, and we place a huge importance on making our relationships work. Therefore, we put up with a lot of crap that we shouldn't. Whereas men, for the most part, just do whatever they want and whatever makes them feel good. They know we'll most likely stick with them through it all.... until we reach our breaking point, but that takes a long long time. So don't beat yourself up for being too nice - I really do think it's a very common dynamic in relationships. We don't have to be that way, though. We can learn to be confident and speak up for what we want and expect.

 

Yes, the test results absolutely took a huge worry off of my shoulders. The Dr. was absolutely being a psycho (lol as lovenc put it) for reading the results one by one. As he read each test my heart was racing faster and faster. My mind was racing...I was like why is he reading this one by one..something must be wrong?!? Thankfully not. I totally agree with you feeling that you never want to go through this kind of hell again. It is exactly how I feel. The past year of my life has been hell and I'm just over it. I am sick and tired of the show he has been running with my life. Each and every breakup was a result of his decisions, so I do blame (if that's the proper word) for the drama we have been going through. I am to blame for encouraging and allowing it. I do feel like I am completely done with him and this cycle most of the time, but there is still a little part of me that still searches for understanding and I wish I didn't. It's still that little part of me that wonders what if. I guess it will go away in time. I don't have longing feelings of missing him or anything like that. Overall, I am strong and I intend to stay that way. Every situation is different and I know it took you quite a bit of time to reach a peaceful place and I may have very well taken just as long. I truly believe that going back this time and what he did sealed the deal. The manner in which he was deceiving and cheating just totally made me lose all respect for him. It happened the way it did for a reason.

 

I really appreciate how you explained that it is common for women to be too nice within relationships. When I really think about it...we women have to put up with a lot of crap from men and I suppose you are right that we often put up with quite a bit before reaching a point where we are done. That is what happened in my situation. I think that is my biggest regret still...that I never stood up for myself. I never really imposed healthy boundaries and when he intimidated me often by yelling and screaming when he became defensive I never let him know this was not acceptable. Sometimes I wonder if things would have turned out differently. For example, a strong minded woman who doesn't put up with BS would never get trampled on like I did. Men know who they can mess with. He knew I was so in love with his that he could push every boundary. Then again, this is probably who he was long before me. I refused to see it and things probably would have turned out the same regardless. Thankfully I realized all of these things before marriage and children or any financial burdens. I have learned through this experience, in future, I should never fear...I need to be a strong confident woman who speaks up for herself. I will never let another man rob me of my self worth ever again. I'm convinced that after what we both experienced, our next relationship will be 10 times healthier than the last. There really was a lesson to be taught through all of this.

 

I've been doing pretty well lately. The Zoloft has helped tremendously. I don't think I could have climbed out of my hole without it. Nothing is perfect, but it's much improved. I'm so very thankful to have my family, and a job that is perfect for me right now.

 

Forgive me if you mentioned this in any of your posts - I read them the day you write them, so I may have forgotten some things you've said... How are your sleeping patterns lately? Are you able to fall asleep and get enough hours? I know you said that worrying about the test results was keeping you up, but now that that fear has been eased, are you getting enough sleep? I'm still having trouble. I usually can't fall asleep until daylight, and even then, I keep waking up. The Benadryl is barely even helping. I have such an overactive mind that I just can't fully relax.

 

I'm so happy to hear that you are progressing well on the zoloft. You seem to be very grateful and that is a sign of positivity. For a long time, we both worried ourselves into negativity and that is a very difficult hole to pull yourself out of. I am so very proud of you and you should be proud of yourself for making it this far.

As for sleep, I am sleeping well. Before the test results, I was waking up during the night and would lay awake for a couple hours, but now I sleep like a baby through the night. I go to sleep early and I've been getting enough sleep. This breakup is completely different than any of the others. There are days where I feel a little agitated by him and what he did, but I just try to block it out. I really wish I never met him. I wish I could rid myself of any feeling for him, but I know that doesn't come easily and will take some time. Sometimes I stop and think how ridiculous it is for me to have taken off like I did because I caught him cheating and he just goes about his daily life like he didn't do a thing wrong. I stop and think how I spent each and every day with this man, how we were such a huge part of eachother's lives and he gets himself in trouble and goes to sleep, goes about his day...like it never happened...never said a word to me about it..nothing. Really strange isn't it? I have to see that as a statement...I don't give a damn about you ksol! He probably still thinks I am so in love with him and it won't be long before I call asking to work things out. You couldn't pay me to go back to that life...sorry for getting off subject. I still take sleeping aids on some days. I wish I didn't depend on them at all. I think your body may have gotten adapted to them and that is why they do not work as well anymore. Maybe you can switch to another kind of sleep aid?

 

Anyways, just wanted to say hi!! I'm still so pleased that you're doing so well. You have a lot to offer, and you will one day find a guy worthy of it. They aren't ALL bad, even though it seems that way. I have some great examples of quality men in my own family. Just focus on you right now, like you're doing, and eventually a good one will come along.

 

Thank you for stopping by. It's always a pleasure to hear from you. I really appreciate your kind words. I know it isn't time yet, since I am so fresh out of this relationship, but I do hope I run into a nice guy...the right guy. I hope the same for you.

 

Enjoy the rest of your day!

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone, just wanted to stop in to say hi.

 

I'm having a peaceful weekend. I'm really enjoying myself these days. Being alone isn't so bad at all. I went shopping this morning hoping I'd beat any Father's Day shopping rush. It felt great to just walk around and shop. I know I sound silly, but for so long I was plagued with worry and anxiety that I couldn't even shop in peace. I bought my dad a gift and my sister a birthday gift. Her bday is during the week. I also did some shopping for myself and my nephew. Afterward, I went to my favorite Thai restaurant for lunch. I guess you could say I'm just enjoying life right now..to the best of my ability. I don't know what my family has planned for tomorrow, but I think my dad and uncles will be going golfing tomorrow. I plan to relax and study some.

 

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend. Today I reflected on the wonderful job my father did in raising my sister and I. My parents migrated to this country in the 80's and they are literally living the American dream. Hardworking husband and wife with 2 children. My mom and dad sacrificed everything just so that my sister and I could have the fortunate life we have today. They instilled in us great morals and values. They taught us the importance of education and that we can accomplish anything with a determined heart and hard work. Today, I thought about all the father figures in my family and how they each set such a strong example of what a hard working and family man I want to share my life with. For a short while I thought about what I went through and how he doesn't fit into any description nor does he have any similarities to the men in my family. He's a great father as in caretaker to his children, but the emotional aspect was so flawed..especially so in the relationship between him and I. How can you have a happy family with that kind of disfunction? My family isn't perfect, no one is, but I will go to the end of time to tell you the men in my family are righteous men. They sacrifice everything for their wives and children. They don't lead secret lives filled with betrayal like he did with me. My father has 5 brothers and they each have solid and faithful marriages. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect, but I have yet to hear anyone in my family whose marriage was plagued with issues that I faced in my relationship. It was time that relationship ended and I'm glad I am at a point where I am strong enough to understand and accept why. I truly want and hope for better for myself. I know I deserve better. No women deserves to deal with things like that.

 

Happy Father's Day to all the important men in your lives friends. I'm not sure if I still have any male followers, but if you're out there and you are a father, I wish you a day filled with laughter and love. You are appreciated.

[Ksol9]

I had a bad dream about him. I woke up feeling terrible...felt so real. Thankfully it was just a dream. I wish I knew how to block him completely from my mind.

[Ksol9]

I don't know if it's the rainy weather or what, but I'm feeling a little sad today. I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself, but I just am and I can't help it. My mom made breakfast for everyone. My uncle, his wife, and their daughter are still staying with us, so it was nice to sit down with everyone. My dad was facetiming with my sister and I began to think about how I used to spend Fathers Day with him and the children. How we would spend time with my family on days like this. Everyone has their families and I'm just feeling...I don't really know what I'm feeling. Just empty I guess and alone.

 

I dont wish to have him back. I know he doesn't have a place in my life or my family and I picture a future without him, but the memories sting a bit. I know things are still so fresh in my mind and in time it will all fade.

 

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me that it has been so challenging for me to have a healthy relationship. I am older than my sister and I have never been married and I dont have children. I still want to accomplish this. It has always been a goal of mine. As I get older, I wonder if it just isn't in my cards to have these things.

 

I know I shouldnt mope and complain. I don't have days like this often and I suppose the only thing I can do is move through and absorb all that I'm feeling. I remember one of the posters here told me that although going through these emotions are difficult and even though I don't want to feel this way, I have to. It's necessary in order to learn and grow. I'd like to think this is just a transitional period in my life and something beautiful is waiting for me just ahead.

[lostlove76]

Everyone has their families and I'm just feeling...I don't really know what I'm feeling. Just empty I guess and alone

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me that it has been so challenging for me to have a healthy relationship. I am older than my sister and I have never been married and I dont have children. I still want to accomplish this. It has always been a goal of mine. As I get older, I wonder if it just isn't in my cards to have these things.

 

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I just wanted to say that I feel this exact same way pretty often (minus the part about children, because I don't want kids). I, in fact, felt just like you're feeling yesterday when we went out for a Father's Day dinner. I was feeling sorry for myself on the drive there, and complaining to my parents that I'm the only one who never has a partner to bring to these things. My brother brought his gf, and they have a wonderful relationship. Then I was complaining about how I'm never going to meet anyone again. Then I felt down and detached from it all over dinner. So I can totally relate to how you were feeling. I don't have much advice on the matter, since I'm in the same position, but just wanted to send you some hugs.

 

At some point I want to go back and address something you said in your last reply to me, but it's going to take some deep thought to articulate what I want to say about it, so I'll do that at another time. It's in relation to your paragraph about boundaries and putting up with the BS and all of that.

 

I think you're right that I do need to switch sleeping aids, because I've become tolerant to the Benadryl. I just hate to take anything at all, really, but I need the sleeeeep! I'm sorry to hear about your dream about him. I had one of those recently, too... I can't even recall now what it was about, but it brought up all those awful things I felt while with him, all the worrying about him flirting and cheating.

 

I hope you start feeling better. Any kind of holiday or occasion just brings up the sad, empty feelings, I think. A fresh new week starts tomorrow, so hopefully those feelings will wane.

 

Chat again soon

[Ksol9]

Hey lostlove, I hope you enjoyed Father's Day with your family. Thank you for understanding about how I was feeling yesterday. I think I'm very hard on myself at times and I often feel like it is wrong to beat up on myself at times. I wanted to say that it's ok to feel sorry for yourself, we all deserve days like this. Jut as long as we do just as much nurturing with self care to make ourselves feel better. As I read your post it also occurred to me that we have the power to change what we aren't happy with. One day things will fall into place for us and I like to think that all the trouble we've been through in relationships will lead to something beautiful. For now, we are grateful for the loved ones we have around us. We are both so lucky to have a loving family.

 

Last night, my uncle and his wife suggested we head downtown to have some drinks. I forced myself to get dressed so I could tag along. I really wanted to be alone. What you said about holidays and special occasions seem to be true. Maybe days like that bring up those feelings. We enjoyed the evening and on the drive home, I received a text from a number not saved on my phone. I soon recognized it was from him. The text read, "Hi". It instantly triggered all the angry feelings I had and to be honest...really honest...I'm glad. It is what is keeping me strong and I feel that is so crucial right now. He is following the same ridiculous pattern he always has. He would send a simple text and I would take it from there. I was always so desperate to mend and get back with him that I'd do all the talking and before long I was right back where I wanted to be...with him by any cost. That cost would often be my self worth and self respect. Not this time. I'm not lifting a finger to save what isn't worth anything to me...what will only bring me anxiety and stress. Maybe he was hoping I'd wish him a happy Father's Day, maybe he was bored and sending hellos to every woman in his phone book looking for entertainment...I don't know and I don't care. That message is gong to stay right where it is...on open and on read. He's such a joke and I'm ashamed to say I encouraged this behavior for so long.

 

I'm not going to put much thought into his contact. I'm going to have a productive Monday. I am feeling better this morning. I hope you are doing well. Wishing you a great Monday.

[boltnrun]

Seriously..."Hi"????!!!

 

I suppose since that's all he had to do before, he figured it would work this time. Maybe the massage parlors were closed for Father's Day or something. Idiot.

 

What an insult! Thinking that you'd trip all over yourself running back because he sent a two letter text!!! I hope you are furious that he thinks so little of you.

 

You do not have to put up with any of that from him. It's ridiculous how he's behaving. I'm angry on your behalf.

 

Here's an idea, give him MY number. I'll let him know what's up!

[Ksol9]

Seriously..."Hi"????!!!

 

I suppose since that's all he had to do before, he figured it would work this time. Maybe the massage parlors were closed for Father's Day or something. Idiot.

 

What an insult! Thinking that you'd trip all over yourself running back because he sent a two letter text!!! I hope you are furious that he thinks so little of you.

 

You do not have to put up with any of that from him. It's ridiculous how he's behaving. I'm angry on your behalf.

 

Here's an idea, give him MY number. I'll let him know what's up!

 

These were my thoughts exactly. As that text sunk in..I got even more disgusted with him. I have never been so angry and disappointed with someone in my entire life. I am insulted that he thinks so little of me. Anytime I think of that text, I get very angry. In the past, that iis all he had to do to get me to come back and part of my anger is directed at myself for teaching him how to treat me. He really doesn't deserve to be in my life..especially since he's so full of himself.

[Ksol9]

This is the first time I've woken up in the middle of the night in a long while. I can't seem to go back to sleep.

 

I hope you're all doing well. I'm doing ok..still hanging in there. I'm really glad the week is almost over. I wanted to go out of town this weekend to visit friends, but my parents decided to visit my sister for a few days so that means I will be in charge of the dogs. This actually gives me a chance to do some organizing in the house and some studying I've been putting off. That is my goal for the weekend.

 

My body has been a bit sore the past few days. Since I haven't been to Pilates in a whole, the first time back was a little hard on my body. I like this kind of pain though.

 

I hate laying awake at these hours. My thoughts have the opportunity to wander and that isn't a good thing. I think I'm going to try to get back to sleep before my thoughts get carried away.

 

Before I go...I wanted to write about my uncle's wife. I can't remember if I mentioned she was pregnant with twins. She had some complications and one of the babies did not make it at 5 months. They are staying with us so they will be able to get better medical care for the remaining twin thab in their home country. They came here about a week after I left him so timing has been great. I really enjoy their company. She went to the doctor yesterday and got excellent news. The baby appears to be in excellent health and she doesn't seem to be having any issues. The rest of the pregnancy will be normal. They were very concerned about preterm labor. I just wanted to share the news. I'm so grateful for their good health and the increased chance this child will survive.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm about to get in bed, so this will be quick, but just wanted to say hello. I worked most of the day, so didn't see your post until just now. That's sad about the twin who didn't make it, so sorry to hear that. But I'm glad the other one is healthy, and glad that you're enjoying having your aunt and uncle there. I hope you have a great weekend with your parents gone. I looooove it when mine go out of town, lol - house all to myself. But I guess your aunt and uncle will be there? That'll still be nice; the house will still be quieter. Try to enjoy! I'm sorry you had a hard time sleeping last night; I know all too well how that feels. I do need to get to bed, but chat later

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove. Thanks for checking in.

 

Since my parents are out of town, I'm enjoying having the house to myself. My uncle and his wife have been out most of the day. They got in a little bit ago and we all decided we were going to take a nap since it was storming. You can tell we are family because we love to jump in bed for a nap when it's raining. Lol. Unfortunately, when I got up from my nap, I have a horrible headache. I took some Tylenol..just waiting for it to kick in.

 

I plan to do some studying and cleaning this weekend. Just going to stay in and enjoy the alone time. I've been feeling a little strange about everything that happened lately, his recent messages...I guess I can't really put a finger on what I feel. I'm not second guessing, but I think about how I slept next to that man for so long and had no idea the extent of the betrayal that was going on in his mind. It's a scary thought that I was actually sleeping next to someone like that. I mean there are times I question if he was a sociopath of some sort. There was something always off about him emotionally. I mean I'm no doctor, just thinking about it sometimes makes me feel weird. More importantly, I wonder the affect this relationship will have on me and my idea of a future relationship. His behavior wasn't normal right? Men don't do things like that in relationships do they? Not just talking about the massage parlors, but the frequent messaging and researching of other women? It's strange don't you think?

 

I've been reading quite a bit about the power of the mind and how our thoughts affect our behavior. I made a goal that I would practice focusing on positive outcomes, solutions that would produce good things, etc. Rather than focus or think about my problems, big or small, I would put more effort into positive things. And I have been doing that to an extent since leaving him. For these 6 weeks (wow! Feels so much longer than that) I've been focusing my thoughts on work, exercise, places I want to go, things I want to do, self care, food (I've gained 6-7lbs lol) new career path, family. Somehow, I've still managed to sit and think about him and what he has done. Much of my thoughts are fueled by anger. Anger that he has no remorse, no guilt, no integrity to even say a word to me about what he has done. I really think something is wrong with him. He is emotionally void. I don't want answers and I'm not looking for an apology or anything of the sort, just hoping to put this app behind me entirely soon. I want to wake up and not have a single thought of him at all. I know this will entail me just holding my head up high and moving on without answers and a complete understanding of what was really going on with him. Ugh..he's not a good person at all. To betray me the way he did....was just so horrible.

 

Well, I've got to run. My uncle just came to my room to ask if I'd like to go visit with another aunt of mine. I guess I should get out for a bit. I hope that you're well. Tell me what's going on in your life these days. Anything new and exciting? If you don't mind me asking, have you considered dating again? Chat again soon.

 

 

Unchained, I still think of you. I hope you're well if you're reading.

Hello to the rest of my friends as well.

[UnchainedSoul]

 

Unchained, I still think of you. I hope you're well if you're reading.

 

Hello to the rest of my friends as well.

 

Hello there Ksol!

 

I actually have been reading. I check in every few days or so just to see how you are doing. It's interesting to watch your thought process and how clear you are now rather than before. The new job is going well, and I have been having struggles with my bipolar mind. You know it's odd, I often wonder, what does it feel like to be normal? To not have raising thoughts or crippling depression and go to bed at a decent time? I have been staying up late and chatting with strange men. I don't know, I seem to get a rush out of connecting with someone new.

 

The good news is, my heart is intact and it is very strong. Your thoughts of him will pass, especially with all the anger and pity you have for him. What is it like to sleep next to a sociopath? Pretty damn eye-opening because I have been there too. You don't really realize it until you're out of it, kind of like the reflecting you're doing now. He just loved the attention from women, separated sex and love in his mind and had no guilt or saw no wrong doing for his behavior. Some people are just wired that way. It's strange. We live in a society where sex is just a form of release for some people and they can have no feelings attached to it. I have always felt too much, and I know you probably are the same way. That kind of lifestyle doesn't work for people like us. I know I once said I related to him in the fact that I love the attention, but I am single you know? I have no idea what would happen if I considered a relationship. The idea of hurting a person's feelings like that just doesn't sit right with me, that's why it is mostly my choice to stay alone. I think this alone time of yours is great. You will be able to really focus on what you want and never settle for anything less.

 

On a happy sidenote, my birthday is on Monday, the 26th, and I am going to a spa with my mom and my sister. We will do some pampering, have some dinner and then go see Wonder Woman. The perfect girl's day out! I am really looking forward to it. Family is so important isn't it? I am so glad you have yours so close, especially your uncle and his wife.

 

Enjoy your weekend, and good luck on your journey. I still follow along with you and read about how you are and of course lostlove too.

 

All my love xoxoxo

[Ksol9]

Hi Unchained! Great to hear from you. Glad to hear the new job is going well! I'm also pleased to hear you are feeling strong. Strength is so vital. I know you have your ups and downs, but your strength is admirable. I want to wish you an early Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy your day tomorrow with your mom and sister. That definitely sounds like the perfect kind of day. There is no better way to spend a special day like your bday pampering yourself with your most loved ones. I saw Wonder Woman recently and it was an excellent movie. I really enjoyed it and I'm sure you will too. Wishing you lots of love and laughter!

 

I recall you saying you related to him in an earlier post and I really appreciated what you had to say because you helped me get a little better understanding of what it was like to date online. I have no experience with it and I haven't had an interest in it because I've never tried it. I think what you said about considering a relationship with your online activities and how you couldn't see yourself hurting someone's feelings was really respectable. To me, I think that is the way it should be. This is what makes you a responsible adult. I don't believe he was responsible in any way whatsoever. Not when it came to me anyway. He has exposed me to diseases with his promiscuous behavior. I don't have proof he was sleeping around, but the facts remain that he was seeking attention and actively looking for attention from other women online along with this habit of happy endings at massage parlors. It's safe to assume, by my findings, that he would sleep around if he wasn't already doing it. It really irks me anytime I think about it and I still haven't changed my mind...I don't want to lead that kind of life and for that reason, him and I will never work out. There won't be anymore trying..no more going back for "one more time". That brings me relief.

 

Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow! Hugs!

[Ksol9]

Happy Monday!

 

Having a bit of an emotional day today. I have a mix of emotions...sadness and anger. Although I am having those negative emotions, I am still hopeful. The intense anger was so very helpful because it provided me with strength that I needed. As you all know, that anger has subsided substantially and I now have to be very mindful. I'm very afraid that I will find myself crying on the floor. lol I have to laugh..who the he** is he to be crying on the floor over?? I was foolish to have ever held him so high in value. Fortunately, I am able to catch myself, but I am struggling just a bit today and I just wanted to share with you all.

 

I have Pilates this evening and therapy tomorrow. I'm looking forward to therapy tomorrow. Lately I've been sort of on the fence about continuing therapy. I keep thinking I don't really need it anymore since I am out of the relationship, but for some reason I feel it is aiding me in the whole process in changing my life. I know that sounds silly because that is the point, but it serves as a source of motivation I guess. I am not discussing matters of the relationship with him anymore, since it's long over with, but I am discussing my progress and what I want to do in future. Will therapy be beneficial to me at this point? I guess I always felt I just needed it to get through difficult times. I don't really have experience with therapy long term and as you all know my objective was to go to get help for my relationship and it has since turned into a catalyst for change. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

 

Happy Birthday Unchained! I do hope you are enjoying your day today! xoxo

 

Enjoy the rest of your day friends!

[boltnrun]

Please continue with therapy.

 

It's like taking antibiotics when you have bronchitis. You start feeling better, but you shouldn't stop taking them because you could have a relapse. I think your therapist can help you tremendously if you're ever starting to have a down time. Also when you're planning your future. What a great opportunity, to have an unbiased person to assist you!

 

And I compare the anger to the swelling after an injury. The injured area swells so you don't think the pain is that bad, but then the swelling goes down and all of the sudden you're like "Ouch! Where did that come from???!!!" You're probably at the point where you're strong enough to deal with the pain, so here it comes. Just keep in mind my signature line..."The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain".

[Ksol9]

Please continue with therapy.

 

It's like taking antibiotics when you have bronchitis. You start feeling better, but you shouldn't stop taking them because you could have a relapse. I think your therapist can help you tremendously if you're ever starting to have a down time. Also when you're planning your future. What a great opportunity, to have an unbiased person to assist you!

 

And I compare the anger to the swelling after an injury. The injured area swells so you don't think the pain is that bad, but then the swelling goes down and all of the sudden you're like "Ouch! Where did that come from???!!!" You're probably at the point where you're strong enough to deal with the pain, so here it comes. Just keep in mind my signature line..."The cause of the pain is NEVER the cure for the pain".

 

 

Your post could not have come at a better time. I got out of Pilates and I received a text from him. He's so calculated he knows the exact time I get out of Pilates. Literally as I walked out the door I get a text from him. I was actually looking around thinking he was nearby. The text read, "I wanted to let you know that i love you so much. I also miss you terribly. You're my lady."

 

My first thought..I wasn't your lady when you sent that woman a message asking for "one time, that's it!" I wasn't your lady as you laid naked on a table while a prositute rubs your private parts or whatever else they do!" I'm literally shaking my head. He's the biggest disappointment. I'm not angry and you explained it perfectly. A new wound and the swelling is not as painful until the swelling goes down and you are also right that I do feel strong enough to handle this. I can fight this pain and I will. I don't trust a word he says and I don't believe his intentions are genuine at all. The old me would jump at that text. Not now. I see right through it. It's such a shame.

 

Thank you for this post and I think it's not a question that I need to continue therapy. I'm still in the process of healing.

[Ksol9]

Shortly after getting that text from him yesterday, I got another one..."am I out of line?"

I still did not respond. I wanted to, but I didn't. I wanted to tell him nice and simple that I was done with that life. That it was no longer for me.

 

Feeling a lot of emotions. I feel sick to my stomach to be honest..no appetite to eat this morning.. I didn't sleep well and I'm tired. This isn't a game and even if he did feel emotions similar to mine and other normal people, which I don't think he does, he can go through a small percent of the suffering and pain I went through all the times he hurt me. I have no words for him. I'm at a loss for words. All that matters to me is that I am in top shape mentally and emotionally. I have to take care of myself. Everything else comes secondary. Luckily I have therapy today and I can sort my thoughts while I'm there. Something deep down inside is telling me to say less and observe more, look straight ahead not back, sit still, protect yourself. I don't trust him at all. It's amazing how much I've changed. Months ago, if I got a text like that, I'd go running to him. I'm strong enough to fight it and think with my mind, but that doesn't mean my heart isn't telling me to do something else. Internally, I'm hurting with the thought that this might be hurting him, the thought that we are over forever, the thought that I have to find the strength to continue to walk away. It just hurts.

 

Be back later to update after my appointment. Have a great day everyone.

[Ksol9]

Therapy was productive today. I found answers...I found peace. The anxiety I got from the moment I received those text messages has subsided.

 

Im done with this sequence and I know I'm going to be the one to break it. My therapist had a smile on his face the entire visit. He said I have worked so hard to be mindful and it's working. Still I have fears that I'll lose it all, but something tells me that I just can't..I just couldn't settle for anything less than what I know I deserve. I'm still very sad..sad about what we've become, but nothing about his life is appealing. I don't see any hope there. There is no hope for a future or things to be any different this time. He just isn't capable of change and me...me, I'm changing one way or another, I'm growing and I'm happy with the person I am becoming. He isn't going to take that from me and I won't allow him. I'm much more comfortable being alone than living with a liar and a cheat. It's not love and it will never be. My therapist said if I decide to respond, that it would be ok and that he knows I will find the right words to say in time.

 

Sometimes love really isn't enough. Sometimes YOU come first. Always choose YOU. That's all I have for you guys. I never thought I'd see my life without him. I thought I'd always choose him, but not this time. I hurt just thinking he may be in pain, but with pain comes change. He is on his own journey just like I am.

[boltnrun]

Every time you start to feel guilty about "hurting" him by not responding, ask yourself if he was "hurting" when he messaged those other women asking for sex while he was supposed to be in a relationship with you. Ask yourself if he was "hurting" when he went to massage parlors looking to get a hand job. Ask yourself if he was "hurting" when he brought condoms along on his business trip, obviously planning ahead in case he got a chance to get laid.

 

You went back to him last time because you convinced yourself he was "hurting". And what did he do with that third chance you gave him? He cheated and lied and deceived! Why does he deserve yet another chance to do it all again?

 

And if this is how he treats "his lady" who he claims to love, I shudder to think how he'd treat a woman he doesn't love.

 

You sound so much better than last time. Last time you were trying to find any excuse in the book to go back to him. This time you're reminding yourself why that would be an awful idea.

 

You're a great woman. I KNOW a man out there somewhere will appreciate you and give you real love and will cherish you and never, ever do anything to risk losing you. That man is not him. But he's out there, wondering when he's going to meet you

[Ksol9]

You're exactly right bolt, he didn't give a d**n when he was deceiving me. I need to toughen up and get with the program. This man never showed me any mercy. I have control and power back in my hands. I should protect it with my life because it protects what is worth the most to me...my heart and my dignity. Thank you for your post. I really need support. It is what is helping me get through this. I know the right man will walk into my life when the time is right.

 

I did end up responding to him this morning. I know it will not do any good and it may not even make an impact, but I did it to get it off my chest and I promised myself that mentally i need to let go of the whole situation and commit myself to things that are more important like studying and self care.. I told him I never wanted things to be like this between us but this was not my choice...that I didn't want that type of life anymore. You left me no option. I told him that I can't take this back and forth and the cycle we've been living in for so long. That it was time to move on and that I was done with the games. I was very straightforward and he knows where I am with everything. I don't care if he responds or not. I'm not interested in going back and forth with him. I sent it for the record. My heart is aching but I have no choice and not a single soul can see it from the outside. It's just pain that i have tied up somewhere on the inside.

 

He hurt me and I'm still very angry with him, but I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing about any of my pain. I am stronger now and I prove that to myself everyday. I have been procrastinating with my studying. Last night I made a goal. I would spend at least 1-2 hours a day studying for that exam. Last night I studied for an hour and a half. I'll continue to do so every single day along with exercise. I'm not playing around. I have nothing to prove to him anymore. I don't feel like there is anything I need to say to him. Everything I am saying and doing is for me. For my healing and for my process. I am going to change my life Bolt. I am going to have a healthy, committed relationship one day. All the work I am doing right now is going to pay off.

[Nina95]

I found out last night that my fiance and partner of more than 4 years has been cheating on me, as recently as last week. Perhaps as recently as last Tuesday, supposedly as early as 2016. Perhaps earlier. It all seems like a nightmare, like it's happening to someone else, like it wasn't him but someone else. The person I thought I knew, that person is not him. My world has crumbled in a few hours. He cries and makes promises, but how could I. We had our bad issues but cheating i thought wasnt and would never be. How naive. I have been through this once but nothing like this, a much shorter relationship too. But this has killed me. Killed all my hopes and trust in humanity. And i thought of you ksol and your suffering all these months, and how easy it's been from my position to advise, to say block, forget, occupy your mind. I couldn't go to work, eat or brush my teeth today. I cant move, feel paralized, my eyes hurt. My heart hurts, physically hurts, my chest, i never thought that would be possible. He wants to come over now, to do more crying and pleading and eternal promises. I should have said no. I just cant speakx it seems as if I had lost the ability. It hurts so much.

[Nina95]

Please someone help me please this is not happening