Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Good evening everyone. I hope all had an enjoyable and restful weekend. Ready for the week ahead.

 

I had so much sleep today. I don't think I've had this much sleep in...I don't know if I've ever. I just felt so drowsy and sleepy. Surprisingly, I slept in. I began to wonder if it was a symptom of what I have been going through. Is it related to depression or something along those lines or maybe it is a good thing. Maybe it signifies my lack of worry and relief from all that I've been going through lately. I really don't know. Either way, it was much needed.

 

I've been thinking a lot about this anger thing today. I take into consideration everything that is discussed here. Much like after therapy, I sit with my thoughts and try to absorb and make sense. I don't like this anger I carry for him. For whatever reason, he has a problem. He made all these choices because he obviously has a problem and does not choose to ask help for it. No one in their right mind is going to screw up two significant relationships by having outside sexual encounters with prosituties and massage parlors. He has a problem and it is his problem to fix. I am angry with his actions, but I have the opportunity to learn and grow and move on. He will be stuck living the same way he has been living for many years. If that brings him happiness, that's his business not mine. It will never result in a happy life for me. I should not hate him. Hate is such a strong word and does more damage to me than it does him. I hope to develop a mindset soon that will see things from a different perspective not from a position of anger and pain. I know I will go through a lot of ups and downs. I am angry still, but today I feel like I need to understand we are all different and his choices in life may have hurt me and put me at risk, but they are his choices. After becoming aware of what he has been exposing me to, it is now my choice with what I do with my life.

 

Happiness to me is family, love...true love, children, memories, laughter, building a stable life, continuing education, God. I truly believe we were all put here on this earth for a purpose. Not to indulge in sin. No one is perfect and I know I'll never be. I just can't see myself living a life where I know these things are going on and staying just because I am selfishly in love. I would never want to bring children into that world. It's just wrong from every angle. I have to continuously justify why I've chosen to walk away from this relationship. I done with singing this same old song. I'm ready for the next chapter in my life and I'm ready to build a life worth living. I'm done with him.

 

Hope you all enjoy the rest of your night.

[figureitout23]

Hate is such a strong word and does more damage to me than it does him. I hope to develop a mindset soon that will see things from a different perspective not from a position of anger and pain. I know I will go through a lot of ups and downs.

 

Hate does indeed do more harm than good. I don't think anyone is saying you have to 'accept' what hes done to you. Just don't allow it to consume you. Even with the abuse I can honestly say I don't hate my ex. I can forgive while never forgetting. I can be cordial while not respecting what hes done to me. I wont lie, I didn't get to this point over night. It took months and months and tons of therapy.

 

 

I am angry still, but today I feel like I need to understand we are all different and his choices in life may have hurt me and put me at risk, but they are his choices. After becoming aware of what he has been exposing me to, it is now my choice with what I do with my life.

 

Again, I don't think you have to accept or understand what hes done. Its more about moving past it.

 

Your life is wide open right now, once youre ready to release those shackles/that dead weight, nothing can stop you.

 

Its not going to be over night, but it will happen, keep going.

[boltnrun]

I just wanted to add that I don't think you have to "justify" walking away from this relationship.

 

Do you mean "justify" to him? Or to your family? Or to yourself?

[Ksol9]

I just wanted to add that I don't think you have to "justify" walking away from this relationship.

 

Do you mean "justify" to him? Or to your family? Or to yourself?

 

Justify to myself. In case I begin to bargain or question myself since I don't see clearly at times. I just woke up in a fright again. The first thought on my mind was stds and prostitutes. I'm going to get checked out this week. I need that peace of mind asap. Something else immediately crossed my mind...

 

If any of you can remember, when he went out of town for work the time of the email incident last year, we got into an argument and he asked if I installed a tracking program or gps tracking on his phone. I wouldn't do something like that. I was so upset he thought that, but didn't even stop to think why he would even ask that. now that all these things are coming together to make sense, he was worried I would see that he went to a massage parlor or was with a prostitute. I'm almost certain of that because he asked me the same thing about the app I installed to unmask the blocked callers recently. He was so afraid id see he is frequenting these places. I'm so sure I'd bet alll my money. I'm not certain about the prostitutes, but if you're willing to pay an establishment it won't be long before he pays a prostitute directly if he hasn't already. Either or is still just as bad, but all these things are now making sense to me and it's still very eye opening. Honestly I'm still in shock sometimes. I still stop and say wow this guy was really laying naked on a massage table getting a sexual release from another woman. Sick! It just all adds up and I know for a fact the reason I wake up scared is because of the dirty life he leads. There is no question in my mind about it. Here i was worried about women from his past or that he was looking to start another relationship, even a side relationship. Nope, it was massage parlors and prostitutes. The Facebook and his ex was just the perfect distraction. And I thought I've seen it all. This man really gave me a blow to the head with that one.

 

If him and I ever exchange words, I want him to know I simply don't want the life he wants to give me. That something is wrong in his mind if he thinks Im going to allow him to expose me to diseases. I'm sure something is wrong with him mentally. His mother died of aids when he was 12. What kind of person lives this kind of promiscuous life? A damaged person. He is very damaged. I don't think I could exchange words with him anytime soon because I am too filled with anger, but should he ever try to speak to me later down the road, I want him to know I've figured him out. He allowed me to blame myself for so so long and he knew all along what he was doing. Like I was some sort of stupid pawn. I want him to know I've figured out the whole thing. And I want him to know that it's ok. I will eventually forgive him and I AM going to move on with my life. He has to live with his decisions. He behaves like there is nothing wrong with what he does, but I know he knows deep down inside what he does is wrong and that he has a problem. Then again, silence is golden. In a situation like this, the best revenge is moving on and living a happy life. A life he never was going to be able to offer me.

 

I think I think about this all so much because I'm putting all these pieces together for myself. So that it makes sense in mind and that way I can make peace with it and finally move on. That pretty much sums it up. I'm going to be ok. I know I will. He deserves no place in my life. I don't miss him. It's slightly if I do. Those memories of good times are just what they are..memories. They're tainted now because I know he was probably doing these things along the way. He was always looking for sexual entertainment from other women throughout the relationship. Sad I didn't figure this out sooner. That was the manipulation at play. I was too distracted. I blamed myself and didn't see he was hiding something. I was right all along. Next time, there is not a single soul on the face of this planet that will make me doubt my instincts. Listen to to your gut. It will never lead you astray. Had I trusted myself from the beginning, I would have saved myself a ton of heartache, but then again...there was a lesson to be learned and I think this is exactly what god wanted me to learn.

 

I've got to head back to sleep. All the good rest I got will go to waste if I don't get some good sleep tonight. Have a wonderful week everyone. Pilates tomorrow. Therapy Tuesday.

[figureitout23]

I would like to reiterate my feelings about you discussing your anger with your counselor tomorrow. It just really seems you're stuck right now. You seem to keep rehashing your relationship and searching for reasons why hes a bad person. I understand how hard it can be to stop your mind from going there, I dont even know him and you have me convinced hes someone to avoid! Lol. But I personally think its doing you more harm than good.

[Ksol9]

I understand figureitout, but it's what's getting me through this and it is preventing me from having thoughts of going back to him. I'm not in this rotten angry mood all day. I have bursts of it and i often come here to release it. I will surely discuss it during my therapy visit. We spoke about it some last week and I would agree it isn't healthy. I don't want to get stuck and more importantly I don't want to carry this anger longer than I should. (I just got deja vu). I've probably said the same thing previously.

 

I was talking with a friend today about all of this. I noted that it has been about a month since I left him. I can't even believe how fast that month went by. During previous breakups, that month would have seemed like ages. There were just a handful of diffficukt days in there. I hope to experience them less and less. The anger helps me get through my days. Im ignoring the pain and grief somehow. I'm thankful for that. I'm not a victim of this. I still think of him everyday. I get angry when I do. I'm going to make it a goal not to be angry anymore. I'll remind myself it isn't healthy each and every time I get carried away. I'll also talk to my therapist about processing it. I refuse to allow this to hurt me more than it should. He isn't worth any of that damage.

 

Thank you for your post.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to post a quick update.

 

I'm hanging in there. I can't really describe how I've been feeling. Just coasting I guess..just getting by. I spoke with my therapist mainly about the anger today. He said at this point the anger is healthy and agrees that it is very useful right now. He said to continue to take advantage of it for the time being as it serves as the strength I need to get out of the relationship and the stay out. He wasn't surprised that I heard from him and he said he won't be surprised when he contacts again. He asked me to prepare for that. As for the anger, he said that i should not dwell or get stuck. He thinks that I am doing well and that in time all it will go away.

 

I still feel very strong about my decision to end the relationship. I am not bargaining with myself although there are times I want to know "why" he did what he did. What were the reasons behind it. My therapist made it clear that something is undeniably wrong with him and that there was nothing that I could have done differently to prevent this. I know this is true deep down inside. Everything else doesn't really matter. I'm going to make it my goal to focus more on exercise and studying for my course the rest of the week. Time to get serious.

 

We also spoke about mindfulness. I am a natural worrier and he wants me to practice on interrupting thoughts about things I have no control over. I have some homework to do the rest of the week.

 

Hope you all are well. As always, thank you for the continued support. There are days I stand strong, but then there are others where I feel like I'm getting nowhere fast. I truly hope I am now on the right path and I hope this path will lead me somewhere happy soon. I don't want to suffer anymore pain from my poor decisions in relationships.

[ragdoll15]

Hi Ksol, I just wanted to let you know I've been reading your thread since the very beginning but have decided to comment now to support you. Please keep up your healing journey and working towards creating and loving a better you. I want you to know that you're not alone in this battle. Through all of my guilt and shame I have accepted hurt back into my life again and again despite knowing the end result would be pain. I hope you can move on as I hope to move on. Please be strong so that I may remain strong too.

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol, I just wanted to let you know I've been reading your thread since the very beginning but have decided to comment now to support you. Please keep up your healing journey and working towards creating and loving a better you. I want you to know that you're not alone in this battle. Through all of my guilt and shame I have accepted hurt back into my life again and again despite knowing the end result would be pain. I hope you can move on as I hope to move on. Please be strong so that I may remain strong too.

 

Hi there! Thank you for following my story. I'm always grateful for posts like this. You and others here give me motivation. Of all the breakups ive been through with this man, this is the very first one that I really and truly want to move on with my life. I'm really making an effort without any hopes to rekindle or save anything between us. It's a strange feeling, but I am here and I am envisioning a future, near and far, without him. It took a lot to get to this place, so I completely empathize with you when you said you accepted the hurt back in your life again and again despite knowing what the end result would be. I've learned that awareness is key. I know I'm going to be ok and you will be too.

 

Thank you for this post...wishing you well.

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to check in.

 

I'm doing ok. I've been working quite a bit more than usual. It helps keep me distracted and it makes my days go by a lot quicker. I'm looking forward to the weekend so I can get alot of rest in. I really just want to sit around and do nothing all weekend. That sounds so amazing right about now.

 

I set my appointment for my std testing for next week. I couldn't wait any longer. I wake up every night in the middle of the night. I lay there thinking about prostitutes and what he exposed me to. Yesterday, I went to a nearby walk in clinic and asked for full std testing and hiv test. They took 2 huge viles of blood and urine. They should be getting everything back from the lab sometime next week. Once I get the results back and I am all clear, at least that will be one less worry. I don't have any symptoms and I know some of these diseases show no signs, but I really need peace of mind. As I was explaining to the dr what I recently went through, I was thinking about how terrible it must sound. Sometimes I still can't believe I slept next to this man for so long and he was doing these things. I highly doubt the happy endings were limited to just handjobs especially when I found proof of him actively looking for hookups with the messages he sent on instagram. He without a doubt did not care about me and he wasn't happy/satisfied within the relationship. Look what I have to go through in order to make sure I am safe. Each day that passes, things become more clear.

 

I still have quite a bit of anger for him, but I know in time as I move on with my life it will dissipate. It's amazing how we do not do anything that we are not ready for when it comes to relationships. I wasn't ready to see the truth nor was I ready to move on during previous breakups. I still think about him, but the thoughts are not loving or longing for him. I don't wonder what he is doing or if I will hear from him ever again to the extent I used to. I don't care what he is thinking. I've seen him drive past my job the past 2 days. Same old silly cycle. He must be thinking the outcome will be he same too. That I'll call begging to give things another try because I overreacted. I saw him with the children a couple of days ago. They must be here for the summer. When I think of them, I think of them as part of my past. I still care about them, but it will never be the same. I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and not have a single thought of him. Ok I'm just rambling now.

 

We are expecting some more storms this weekend. Today is beautifullly sunny. The weather man is never right. Not here in Florida anyway. If the weather is still clear tomorrow, i think I'll head out of town to visit friends.

 

Wishing you all a great weekend!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol I know it's been a while since I've written. I just wanted to give you best wishes on the std testing. Are you nervous? I'm sure you'll be fine, but it can be scary. I got tested a couple of times in my 20's, and I was so terrified that I was bawling and practically having a panic attack in the exam room. I almost had myself convinced that I had HIV - that's hypochondria for ya! It was negative of course, thank goodness. I'm sure you'll be negative for everything, as well, but peace of mind is priceless.

 

I totally relate and agree with everything you said about having anger towards him. It's natural to feel anger in these circumstances, and it does protect us from further pain. I still have anger towards mine when I think of everything he did, but it doesn't affect me as much anymore; I can feel it briefly and then it passes. So you are correct that it will dissipate over time. Don't even put any thought into worrying about it. It's a normal human reaction to betrayal, and it will lessen when it no longer serves a need. For now, it's keeping you strong.

 

It's amazing how we do not do anything that we are not ready for when it comes to relationships. I wasn't ready to see the truth nor was I ready to move on during previous breakups.

I so agree with this statement, as well. It can be frustrating for friends and family on the outside who know you need to move on, and who watch you being unable or unwilling to do so despite their well-intended advice. But you have to be ready, and the time has to be right for YOU. You gave him plenty of chances, so now you know in your heart that he wasn't good for you. I'm so pleased to see how differently you're handling this compared to the previous times. I believe that everything happened as it should. If you had ended it forever the last time, you would have been left with long-lasting doubts. But you gave it another shot, and now you know. A lot of us tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he proved himself unworthy.

 

I hope you have a great weekend! Sitting at home doing nothing is my absolute favorite thing to do. But going out of town is nice, too... just enjoy it, whatever you end up doing. Sending hugs!!

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove, how have you been? So nice to hear from you!

 

I am worried about the test results. I think just the thought that I might have something and not know is what has me up in the middle of the night. Having those tests done was absolutely necessary.

 

The anger has been a little less the past couple of days. It's still there and I'm thankful for it because, as you said, it's keeping me strong. I can't really tell you how I've been feeling when the anger isn't there. I notice the days without the anger are a bit tough. I bargain a bit. I start to question if I made a bigger deal than I should (I know that sounds absurd). Not worry though, I quickly shut those thoughts down. No matter which way I turn to try to explain his actions away, there is something that still says he was actively cheating. There is solid proof to show he was being unfaithful. I don't need more than what I saw.

 

I think everyone tried to give him the benefit of the doubt..including me. That was his gig. He was manipulating the whole situation. I don't know how long this has been going on, but I have a good feeling it was going on while the children were still living with us. He always made me feel like I was the one who was damaging the relationship with my mistrust and maybe I was, but I think i intuitively always knew he was capable of doing this. He portrayed himself as this homebody, family guy, innocent. Lol what a joke! He's really an unambitious loser who happens to deal with prostitutes because he's too lazy to put any effort or emotion into dating. Tell me that isn't a dangerous individual. He's very sneaky and conniving. He's simply unworthy like you said. I am too good for him..I see this now. And I mean that in the most humble way.

 

There have been many days when I'll search for stories similar to mine. Ive found many here in ena. These women describe going through very similar situations and the emotions they feel are eerily similar to mine. I guess I search to better understand. I don't think I'll ever understand why. Only he knows why he was doing these things. I'm very upset with him for what he did and with myself for ignoring all the signs to get out and stay away. Even this pattern that happens after the breakup. The silence, the texts, the drive bys, it's all extremely ridiculous in my eyes. Any self respecting mature man would never handle himself in this manner. When you do something wrong to hurt someone else, you have the integrity and respect to resolve and move on. Even how he resorts to text in times of conflict is concerning. People get tired of dealing with his lack of integrity and they leave him alone in the dark to deal with his issues. I'm assuming that is why he has no family or friends. You get to the point where you have to respect yourself and walk away. I still care about him, but I can't tolerate these things anymore. I have to draw the line. I really see my role in all of this. If I had to do it all over again, I would never allow him to get away with half of what he put me through. I was just too dang nice!

 

I know I have the power to break this cycle and I know it will be different this time. I'm ready to move on with my life. I'm ready to accomplish more in life and in love.

 

The skies are cloudy and grey. I going to go into the office for a few and then I want to spend the rest of the day in pajamas. My goal is to study and exercise today. I'm looking forward.

 

 

Thanks for stopping by. Chat again soon. Thank you for being such a good friend.

[reinventmyself]

Hi Ksol. I skim your story off and on and I just want to jump in and say in light of everything the anger is not only normal, but healthy.

It's still early in the process of putting this behind you.

There are a lot of big emotions to process. Hurt, betrayal, grief, anger and so on.

While I was going through my divorce and in therapy my therapist had a question for me "when are you going to get angry?!"

I experienced every emotion possible but that one particular one.

 

He explained that feeling hurt and grief can keep you stuck but anger had the most movement and conviction. Anger can facilitate pushing you over to the other side.

 

Granted, 6 mos from now if you were still angry then you should be concerned.

But from where I sit, be angry! (At least for the time being) It's a far better choice then feeling sorry for ourselves, right?

 

It also seems to be one of the things that keeps you on course.

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol. I skim your story off and on and I just want to jump in and say in light of everything the anger is not only normal, but healthy.

It's still early in the process of putting this behind you.

There are a lot of big emotions to process. Hurt, betrayal, grief, anger and so on.

While I was going through my divorce and in therapy my therapist had a question for me "when are you going to get angry?!"

I experienced every emotion possible but that one particular one.

 

He explained that feeling hurt and grief can keep you stuck but anger had the most movement and conviction. Anger can facilitate pushing you over to the other side.

 

Granted, 6 mos from now if you were still angry then you should be concerned.

But from where I sit, be angry! (At least for the time being) It's a far better choice then feeling sorry for ourselves, right?

 

It also seems to be one of the things that keeps you on course.

 

 

You're absolutely right reinventmyself. I think your name is very fitting btw. Divorce and a breakup can lead you into reinventing yourself. That is what my focus is right now.

 

The anger is what I believe to be the reason I am able to get out of bed and be productive. I am taking care of myself which I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. I remember during previous breakups just getting out of bed was a challenge. I remember laying awake for hours and crying into my pillow so no one else in the house would hear. I remember it being a serious challenge to even wash my hair. I barely wanted to take care of myself. In hindsight, I can totally see the difference between the other breakups and this one. I am persevering. Now I can't even make myself shed a single tear for him if my life depended on it.

 

I weighed myself this morning. I am a pretty slim person and I've always been. I lose weight easily especially in situations where I am stressed and worried all the time. I gained 5 lbs in the month I have been here. That is very telling. I weigh 100 lbs. I've been stuck at 97lbs. or less. When I was with him one month ago, I weighed in at 95lbs. That speaks for itself. I was stressed and not taking care of myself since January. Anger is pretty awesome if you ask me.

 

I agree that there are alot of emotions to process, but I hope the only thing I have to process is this anger. I haven't really had much sadness. It's minimal. I;m deathly afraid of tears associated with him. I don't want to experience any other emotion other than anger and when the anger is gone, I hope he will be just a distant memory by then.

 

He's going to spend his days visiting massage parlors or sneaking around on facebook soliciting married women to have sex with him while I build a beautiful life. I'm going to spend the rest of my days surrounding myself with those who genuinely care and love me.

[reinventmyself]

You go, Girl!

[Ksol9]

Hi everyone. I hope you all are doing well.

 

I came down with a cold last night. I've been taking cold medicine all day and nothing seems to be working. I feel miserable. I can't breathe through my nose.

 

Other than that, I'm doing ok. I'd much rather deal with a cold than heartache and pain any day. I've been thinking about something that has been ringing in my head throughout the day. I think acceptance of everything that happened comes with me understanding that, as a woman, there are certain things you can't allow a man to continue to do. You allow him to get away with things like lying and cheating, he will walk all over you. There comes a point where it just isn't ok anymore and I think that is where I have found peace in this whole matter. Forgiveness is a personal thing and I couldn't find it in myself anymore to forgive him for what he did.

 

I think my biggest regret was giving him the benefit of he doubt. I was always extremely nice. Almost as if I was walking on eggshells and I don't believe I was being genuine. I was too nice. That niceness was taken for weakness and he walked all over me. I don't think I've ever given him a piece of my mind and put boundaries in place. I wasn't myself in that regard. That is by far the most significant thing I can say I did wrong. These are all things I've learned I guess. I'm not blaming myself, but I unreservedly understand my role in it all. These past 2 and a half years have been a real learning experience. My only hope, my one wish, is that from here on out I make good decisions and things only get better.

[Ksol9]

Still feeling under the weather. I'm home early for the day. I decided I would get some studying in today. I'm not studying as much as I'd like so today is a good day to get moving with that.

 

I canceled my therapy appointment for today and I also missed Pilates. I plan to reschedule therapy before the end of the week and if I'm feeling better I'll attend Pilates class tomorrow morning. I've been doing a little bit of working out at home. Exercise is so beneficial...mentally and physically. I also expect to hear back from the clinic this week with my test results. Other than that, this week should be pretty smooth and uneventful. I'm kind of getting used to way the things are going now. Very peaceful and calm. It's quite nice. I'm vowing to only allow new people in if they add and compliment my life. As I was pulling in from the office today, I thought to myself, life is so beautiful...my life is too sweet to allow anyone in who doesn't appreciate me.

 

Gratitude. One good way to change a negative mindset is to sit, even just for a little while, and think about things you are grateful for. We get so caught up in our daily routine or any chaos we have going on in our lives that we forget about the things we are grateful for.

 

 

Hope you all are having a great day friends.

[boltnrun]

I can relate.

 

Once my ex finally dumped me (yes, I stuck around long enough for him to dump me...), it was so, so liberating to no longer have to deal with the stress and anxiety and fear of who he was going to "hook up" with next. I didn't have to follow him around everywhere to try to make sure he wasn't going to try to get with another woman. All that crap that went with trying to be with him was over and it felt great.

[Ksol9]

I can relate.

 

Once my ex finally dumped me (yes, I stuck around long enough for him to dump me...), it was so, so liberating to no longer have to deal with the stress and anxiety and fear of who he was going to "hook up" with next. I didn't have to follow him around everywhere to try to make sure he wasn't going to try to get with another woman. All that crap that went with trying to be with him was over and it felt great.

 

I hear you bolt. There is nothing and I mean nothing that could convince me to go back to that life of misery. He hasn't come knocking and I am not begging and crying to go back. I think I got so used to living that way that I forgot what life was like without fear and anxiety. The way you put it in your post is exactly what I don't want to live with. I think in future if I were to ever begin to feel like that in another relationship, that would be a signal that it's time to go.

[figureitout23]

Moving past anger I see. Good for you!

[Ksol9]

Yes figureitout. I noticed this a few days ago...I said, this anger must be passing. I'm still angry with him, but it's not anywhere near what it was when everything first happened. It didn't feel good to be that angry. Hopefully I'll move closer to acceptance sooner rather than later.

 

I had a really great day today. I worked until about noon and then my uncle who is staying with us decided to take his 2 step daughters to the movies along with my 2 cousins. Just a little side story. My uncle married a woman who has 2 daughters from a previous married. Their farther died of a genetic disease 5 years ago. I adore my uncle's wife and her daughters. They are so strong. You can see the love and appreciation they have for eachother. My uncle could not have chosen a better woman to marry. She is a genuinely good person with a good heart and I really admire her. Although one of the twins did not make it, the remaining twin is still thriving. She is approaching 7 months and things are looking well. Anyhow, we went to see wonder woman. It was an excellent movie. After the movie, my uncle was driving and saw a trampoline park. He pulled in and we had a blast. I jumped around on trampolines for about an hour like a kid. Afterwards, we went to my aunts house who made dinner for everyone. Now we are at home munching on popcorn and watching Netflix in the theater room.

 

Family is everything. Having my uncle and his family here has really been a major help to me...in ways they will never know. I haven't been counting (which is a first), but it has almost been 2 months since I left him. That time flew. A couple more blinks and then it will be 4 months and then 6 months. I'm going to make it to the other side this time. God willing.

[Ksol9]

How could I forget...I got my test results back this morning!

 

I'm all clear. Another reason why I was able to enjoy myself so freely today. One less worry. I was advised by the dr to test for HIV again in 3 months from the time I left him. I'll be going back just to make sure when that time comes.

 

My heart was racing as he was reading through my results for each test. He basically went one by one when he could have just said negative for all of them. It was in that moment the reality of being with a promiscuous man hit me. I don't want that kind of life for myself. No amount of love for him could make me risk my health. He put me at risk for these diseases and I will never forgive him for that. His last words to me were that he didn't do anything wrong to hurt me. He doesn't see a thing wrong with his self destructive behavior, but I do. I take these things very seriously. He can live that life all he wants...till he's blue in the face for all I care, but I'll be moving on!

[Clarisse]

Wonderful news on the test results. I had to get a full panel of STD tests done when my ex-husband cheated on me. It was humiliating at first, but getting the test results was somehow empowering. Not sure why. Maybe it was the sense of "moving on" as you stated above.

 

You sound very strong and positive. You've changed this time around. Happy for you.

[Ksol9]

Thank you Clarisse. I too felt humiliated, but it's empowering in the sense that I'm doing whatever it takes to move forward as you said. Self care and peace of mind. It really is top priority right now.

 

I am trying very hard to remain positive. I'm not faking it through any of this. The power of the mind is no joke. i still have feelings for him, but they are buried deep somewhere. The feelings have also permanently been altered...I have lost all respect for him.. I have to change my life. There is nothing about life with him that is good for me. It will never work. I've read it all across this forum..you can only move on if you focus solely on improving yourself. That is the only way to win. There is a huge difference between this time and the other breakups...I'm really moving on..no hope, no waiting, no wishing..I'm just done. Period.

 

Thank you for you support..as always.

[Nina95]

Yes figureitout. I noticed this a few days ago...I said, this anger must be passing. I'm still angry with him, but it's not anywhere near what it was when everything first happened. It didn't feel good to be that angry. Hopefully I'll move closer to acceptance sooner rather than later.

 

I had a really great day today. I worked until about noon and then my uncle who is staying with us decided to take his 2 step daughters to the movies along with my 2 cousins. Just a little side story. My uncle married a woman who has 2 daughters from a previous married. Their farther died of a genetic disease 5 years ago. I adore my uncle's wife and her daughters. They are so strong. You can see the love and appreciation they have for eachother. My uncle could not have chosen a better woman to marry. She is a genuinely good person with a good heart and I really admire her. Although one of the twins did not make it, the remaining twin is still thriving. She is approaching 7 months and things are looking well. Anyhow, we went to see wonder woman. It was an excellent movie. After the movie, my uncle was driving and saw a trampoline park. He pulled in and we had a blast. I jumped around on trampolines for about an hour like a kid. Afterwards, we went to my aunts house who made dinner for everyone. Now we are at home munching on popcorn and watching Netflix in the theater room.

 

Family is everything. Having my uncle and his family here has really been a major help to me...in ways they will never know. I haven't been counting (which is a first), but it has almost been 2 months since I left him. That time flew. A couple more blinks and then it will be 4 months and then 6 months. I'm going to make it to the other side this time. God willing.

Hi Ksol.

I'm so so glad to read on your progress. I don't post a lot but do continue to log in every week or so. I'm very glad you are keeping around all the good and important people in your life, always remember them and keep them close.

The above was a beautiful post, full of positive energy and kind words, I loved that and made me happy somehow! Great news on your test results. Keep moving forward, everything you need to do it is already within you, just take it one day at a time. Sometimes in life it's just done, and you walk away and move on. No need for ugly words or complaints or explanations, no formal goodbyes, just done, no more. I read this quote somewhere once that I try to remember when life disappoints me: if you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow. You are on the right track I feel. Proud of you!