Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[jenny_mcs]

Hi Ksol-

 

 

So sorry to read this turn of events. The things he’s doing are so gross, not even going to comment on them. The times in my life I have found it most difficult to move on from a bad relationship are the times I was most scared about what was going to happen next in my life. Like, I wasn’t that happy with what I had, by myself, so it made it SO much better to be in a relationship, because I would just think “well, I’m with , and we’ll just have this future together…” And then I didn’t have to think about what I wanted to do with my life.

 

 

I know it will be super hard to let go of your ex, but I encourage you to really face the fear and uncertainty of being single. Instead of spending these next weeks and months saying “when is he going to turn this around” or “when is he going to come back to me” - I would encourage you really face the fact that for the foreseeable future, you are single. What do you want your life to look like? It seems like you work at a family business, part-time, and live at home. Have you ever thought about going back to school? Getting your own place? Getting a new job? Making some new friends , or re-connecting with old ones?

 

 

I’m guessing (and this is truly a guess) that you’re not really sure what you’d want to do if you were by yourself. I’m guessing that you are really scared to let this relationship go because then you may have to figure out what you want to do with your life, if you are by yourself. I truly think that this could be the most beautiful and fruitful time of your life. Think back to what made you feel really happy, as a kid, before boys entered the picture. Be single for while. Just really find out what feels good, for you.

 

 

Being in this relationship, although I know there were good times, was really such a heavy burden for you. Lay that burden down. Do something crazy- take a dance class, get a kitten, learn how to sail, join a book club. I’ve read your entire journal, and you write SO well! Maybe join a writer’s group!

 

 

You have your whole beautiful life ahead of you. Please don’t spend more months of it waiting for your cellphone to ping with another text from this liar. (hugs)

[dakun]

Hi Ksol, never been posted before but I've read most of your journal.. and it really touch me.. I just want to give you some hugs now.. Hope you're doing okay..

He's resemble my ex, so I read your post to try to understand what if we're getting back together, but some weeks ago, I've erased the possibility of reconciliation because I've felt so disrespected (you know, they with their silent treatment.. I felt like trash). I'm feeling better now.. I hope you'll feel better and stronger whatever decision you will take. My pray for you..

*hugs*

[Ksol9]

Jenny, what you said is pretty accurate. I'd like to comment more but I'm so upset right now. I'll nevbavk late to comment more.

 

Duken, thank you for your prayer.

 

I'm in so much pain right now. I feel immobile. Now that his children are gone, this is probably his true colors. As he was yelling in my face about finding those messages, he was screaming in my face. I backed up because it flashed across my mind that any moment this man is going to put his hands on me. He didn't. I think I read his mind because he must have thought about it. I was met with anger anytime I tried to talk to him about anything. I can't believe he is this person. He's so quiet..really requires peace, quiet, alone time. He never goes out to bars, clubs, etc he's just a homebody. I have always had these suspicions and fears, as evidenced by everything I've written in my journal, that he is a family man, but looks for casual sex. It certainly looks like this is what he is exactly. He wanted to maintain this life at home. We spent so much time together. He literally called me all day. He would call constantly. We would text when we weren't on the phone and recently since getting back together, there was so much laughter. I was beginning to really open up and trust him again. I thought we were building a true friendship. I don't thonk he is capable of building a true friendship with any woman in his life. There is some badly damaged and wrong with him of course. How I'm the world could I even consider wanting to still be with this man? There has to be something wrong with me. I will probably never see or speak to him ever again because right at this very moment I am fighting to come to terms with this. What I found is too big, too much for my brain and heart to ignore. The email was one thing, but this...this is too much to forgive.

 

As the days are passing, I can just feel it deep down inside that I will not be hearing from him at all. He knows what he did. He put up this front that it was my fault and that I'm insecure and crazy for thinking the way that I do, but deep down inside as he sits in his empty home, he knows what he has been doing. Those 2 messages were the only ones there. Imagine the other he was smart enough to erase previously. When his children were living with us, he was just a small percentage of what he truly is..what he is now. Visiting these massage parlors, it's just so disgusting. Even if it was just for a massage, he lied because he knew it was not going to sit well with me. If he was such a considerate man, the man he was portraying himself to be since we got back together, he would say to himself...this would not be ok with ksol, I wouldn't want her to think anything wrong of me, I can do without this massage. He sent those women those messages earlier in the evening on the same day, within minutes of eachother. There is something terribly sick in his mind. These are not bad decisions. This is a sick person that has sex as a motive. I don't know if I mentioned this before previously, but when I walked into the hotel room the co workers were staying, I smelled marijuana and they were drinking whisky. He drinks whisky regularly. Sex, drugs, alcohol. He wanted me around. Obviously to have a little fun, but the private calling ruined that for him. He wants a woman who just knows how to relax and not care about what he does. There was not a thing wrong to say we were having problems or there was fighting or a disagreement for him to say I wasn't thinking and I made a horrible mistake. This is a lifestyle he is living. Traveling and having a good time. A good time that sick in the head men have. It crossed my mind that he gets prostitutes. His phone is dry as a whistle. No emotionally attached women who he tried to date have ever called of text. I can bet the reason why he was always alone at restaraunts was because this is the lifestyle he was living. Random, casual sex. He was not looking to date and probably didn't at all. Random women in massage parlors or prostitutes. This is what men in the construction industry do. Dating someone new is too much work and too emotionally demanding to do. He did it with me because I'm too good of a deal and I wasn't too hard to catch. I have no children, willingly took care of his like my own, fanancialky stable, attractive, smart, easy to manipulate..he couldn't pass that up. He won't pass up anything that comes his way either. If him and I were to continue the relationship, his untrustworthy behavior shows he wouldn't let a thing pass him by. Hel'll take the chance because he is living recklessly.

 

Tell me if I'm wrong about saying these things? Tell me if I'm just being paranoid and the likelihood of that happening is not high? This is who this man is. He's not a good person. I don't even know who he is anymore and I should never even let it cross my mind to allow him another chance to run this game on me. I went back for a short while, look at the amount of things that came to light in this short while. Just imagine if I had given up looking for clues. Just imagine if I looked at those receipts and threw them away without researching because I didn't want to pry, because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I simply wanted to trust him. He is this person. He is this person right? I haven't heard from a single woman who has said this would be ok. The massage parlor seemed to have sealed the deal. The Instagram messages were just icing for the deal. He hasn't uttered a word to me because he must know what is churning in my mind. He must know what I will tell him if he even speaks. He knows he couldn't even convince me to stay and that is why I can bet he will throw it away. I'm pretty sure he has decided he can't continue the relationship.

 

I'm not even angry. Not one bit. I don't know what I am. I feel numb. I feel dead inside. There is one thing he can't control. He doesn't get to decide if this relationship ends or not. I do. I don't know what is going to happen. It's still very early to say. I shouldn't be shocked or surprised that he just left that morning and returned without a thing to say. He hides from confrontation because he doesn't want to take accountability for anything whatsoever. If that isn't abusive, someone correct me. He isn't in any kind of pain, he isn't even worried. He could care less if this smooths over or not. He isn't the least bit worried about me. Right now, he is enjoying being able to get restful sleep. He doesn't have to answer to anyone. He doesn't have to worry about what anyone will think. He can come and go as he pleases. Hes at ease. He knows it won't be hard to get me back. He knows I love unconditionally and maybe I won't believe him, but he knows I'll try again if that is what he wanted. I can bet he's probably thinking about it, but I'm pretty sure he is just weighing pros and cons for having me in his life (he has used these words before). I'm pretty sure he is saying to himself, it's too much work to keep her. Notice that (I believe) there is no love or emotion behind any of his thinking or motives. I'm telling you all...there is something wrong with this man. Beyond just the cheating and lies. This damaged individual...

 

I know I am thinking the very worst. Truth of the matter is probably somewhere in the middle. Just a guy with no morals or respect...a guy who doesn't value his relationship enough. A guy who recklessly just wants to have a good time because he doesn't care about what he has left to lose. I'll tell you something though, he guards his job with his life. He takes extra special care of his position with the company he works for. I've always admired his determination and dedication to his employer. That's all he has. A career that provides him a nice home and a nice life that looks nice on the outside. I know what the inside of his life looks like. It's bare, it's empty...no substance. No family. No kids. No wife. Tell me that I was supposed to keep my eyes on the bigger picture and forget about all the small trivial stuff. To him, these messages and the massage parlor are trivial. They don't matter. They mean nothing. To me, they mean everything. This man doesn't love me. There isn't a woman alive that can tolerate this. I feel sorry, truly sorry for the children's mother for having to go through what she went through with him for so many years. I can bet my last dime and I've always said this, the reason she hates, I mean hates, him is for all the things he has put her through. I am experiencing just a small fraction of what she went through all those years. I'm willing to bet my last dime. This is a damaged person I am dealing with.

 

If I am right that he is just going to X himself out of my life and if I continue to walk away without anything to say, then I have nothing to worry about. There isn't anything left for me to decided. This is done and over with. I just have to focus on myself and what the next few months will look like. I don't want to stay stuck. I don't want to be affected by this. It happened, I can't do anything about it other than just deal with it. Deal with it in the best way. He is not in my ear trying to convince me or beg me to come back. I shouldn't be conflicted. Jenny, I think everything you said is exactly what I fear. My therapist and I spoke about this. He said I shouldn't think about the future right now, but I do think that is what my hesitation is all about. I can't run back to him. Right now all I dam tackle is today. Tomorrow I have to tackle tomorrow. Today I just have to get through today. I am being 100% honest with you all. There is a huge part of me that wants to run over to hiim. I want to find safety in a place that brought me the same harm that I'm looking for safety for. There isn't anything he can say or do to make any of this right. Can you believe he sat in front of me, looked me in the eye over breakfast while I was out of town with him...he explained his co workers wife was so upset that her bf lied to her about where they were that night. He kept saying, he should have been honest. He kept saying she was a b****. That she disrespects him verbally. Saying all of this while he himself lied to me about where he was that night. All while he himself betrayed me and disrespected me by sending those messages. I'm crazy to think I'll ever be able look past this. He is a very sly, sneaky, dishonest man. This will never work. Another round will never work. Not even with therapy. The probability of him changing or even looking for help to change is almost zero. If I want to look at odds and risk, if I wanted to weigh pros and cons...this is a losing battle.

 

Yes, I am trying to convince myself, yes I'm trying to remind myself. This is over. Over before it even took off. I wanted it to be something it never was going or was capable of being. He's not capable. I am hopeless and maybe it's the best thing that I'm hopeless. Today is another day. I've got to make sense of this all. I've got to be at peace with it. One good thing is I know this wasn't my fault of that I could have done anything differently. I dealt with each and every obstacle in that short amount of time in the best possible way. I really tried. Communicstion was so much better. I was in therapy. I really gave it my best shot. He messed up. He did this to us. I can be confident in my decision to stay away. I can be confidant in knowing the silence I'm about to face is permanent. I can be confidant in knowing that when I bury him in the sand, I will never dig him back up again because there are no more chances. All the other times don't come close to what happened this time. I don't think even time will change my opinion or soften this blow. How he is living his life is no place for a woman like me to be. In my eyes, he is the devil in disguise.

[Ksol9]

He stood beside me in church..prayed with me. All while he had really bad intentions for me and our relationship. This is going to permanently damage me once it all settles in.

[dakun]

I just have to focus on myself and what the next few months will look like. I don't want to stay stuck. I don't want to be affected by this. It happened, I can't do anything about it other than just deal with it. Deal with it in the best way.

 

I really gave it my best shot.

 

You have done your best.. the same phrase I keep telling to myself.. that I can walk graciously knowing I've done my best..

It's his loss.. He'll one day regret that he ever wasted your love, either in short term, when he's old or maybe in the dead bed, but he will..

[Ms Darcy]

I think you should reread what Jenny said.

 

He's his own person and has been the same guy all along.

 

The only difference is perhaps you can get to the point of realizing that you are not compatible. It's really that simple.

 

Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

For example, there are couples who are happy non monogamous or whatever. That's not necessarily your situation. Just an example.

[boltnrun]

I hope you can find catharsis in venting. Holding things in isn't healthy, as you know. I understand it's hard when your mind and emotions are all over the place.

 

BTW, all men in construction aren't like him. I work in construction and there are many wonderful family men. HE is like that.

 

And please don't try to get into a defeatist, fatalistic mindset. Yes, it feels awful but you will find the light at the end of the tunnel if you treat yourself with love.

[Ksol9]

Hi bolt, Ms Darcy, and Dakun,

 

What you all said is true. Before I got out of bed this morning, i said to myself that I was so determined to do things differently this time . I was talking all that craziness about staying connected etc. that is craziness. I think I need to focus and turn inward. I need to take the next few days and really take good care of myself. I need to take the focus off of him and turn it toward me. He did what he did. There are hard solid facts. It happened and now I must not dwell. I have to accept and move forward. This is my goal for today. Even as small as staying off Facebook. I am not going to track his activity or even worry about what he is doing. He has done the worst to me already. He can't do any worse. I should have known from the very first breakup, if a man takes weeks and months to come to his senses, that long to contact and and get with the program, it is because he is up to no good. Each and every time he brought me back, it was for his own personal gain...to benefit him in some way not because of his love for me. I'm no doctor and I can't diagnose him, but he is emotionally unavailable and is doing these things because of something inside of him. I can't help him change, can't make him change...it is just what it is and I must save myself. I really need to put in an effort, even if it's just for one day, to retract and focus inward. I deserve that even if its for one day.

 

My friend who knows about what is happening called a little bit ago, she advised me not to contact him, just like you all did here. She said give him and yourself some free space. He has distanced himself for whatever reason and if you push with any type of reaction, he will only react with more defensiveness. If he can't even offer you an apology after a week or even 2 weeks, then it is even more validation that he does not care about you.

 

I just think I need to make a real hard effort to take a step back, absorb this, and focus inward. I have to do this immediately. I can't dwell on this anymore. I'm in a lot of pain, but this can't get any worse. He has betrayed me so very badly. I am not a victim and my pain is only temporary. He's not a good person and I am a good person. I will move on and live a righteous life. He will continue to live the way he is living and he may even move on to hurt others. He has to live with that, not me. I honestly feel sorry for him. I'm going to get through this with the help from all of you and because I've sought help through counseling.

[Ms Darcy]

I get the impression that you are waiting for him to contact you and apologize.

[Ksol9]

I get the impression that you are waiting for him to contact you and apologize.

 

Hi Ms Darcy, maybe on some level yes, but ultimately no. I can't set expectations like this. I think there is nothing I can do about what happened. I can't subject myself to that type of relationship. I don't want to dwell too much on what happened. Not longer than what I should. I know I need to grieve, but remember what happened through each breakup, I dwelled and I waited and I waited. I can't do that this time. I just can't. I can't live like this anymore. I really can't take it. I just need to work on forgetting about him and focus on myself. I'm really going to make a strong effort to do so. I'm seeing him so differently now. I don't believe he is hurting nor do I think he is regretting his actions. I don't even think I should be worrying about what he thinks. This thing is so fresh. I'm still having trouble believing this is what really happened. Meaning he really is a liar and a cheat. I said this yesterday, I wanted to talk to him, but what am I going to gain? I can't keep hoping he will magically tell me something different. It happened. I'm just in so much pain and I'm trying to figure out how to wrap my head around this and what I'm going to do. I can't stay in this same cycle we were in before. The waiting, the silence, everything about it isn't gin get to work for me anymore. I don't have that kind of fight left in me. If he was calling and texting, I don't know if I would be saying these things. I'm sure it would be much harder for me, but as it is right now..the way things are, there isn't anything else I want to do other than to take care of myself. I wanted to contact him, but as I said, I am fighting hat even as I type.

[Ksol9]

You know lostlove, I was thinking about what you said. I do believe this happened for a reason. This had to happen like this. I needed to see with my own eyes the type of man I was dealing with. If not, I would have been sitting in depression, feeling guilty, wanting him back...for god knows how long. I don't know what is going to happen with me. I don't know if I will begin to feel the same way, but I don't see that happening this time. Not after all that I know. Even if he didn't do anything sexual and the messages were a mistake. He lied period. That alone will tell you he is not trustworthy. There are too many thing that have happened that point to someone who is not committed as he is portraying himself to be. I willnever be able to move forward in life. I will never find happiness if I continue on the path I've been on. This relationship has become more bad than good. More dangerous to be in than safe. I'm so attached to him, but I think him and I both know we have to let go. I believe that I won't hear from him because he knows we have to move on. He's not going to try to reel me back in. I won't have to worry about that. I have to worry about how to get out of this emotional state. How to put I behind me. How to move forward without dwelling on it longer than I should because I would only be victimizing myself. This is going to drive me crazy. This is the risk I chose to take so now I need to do what I have to do like a big girl.

 

There is a small bit of doubt in my mind. I have some worry that I will bargain with myself as I did in the past and I will assume guilt and blame for what happened. There is a voice in the back of mind that is softly saying maybe I created this or maybe I'm blowing this up far bigger than what it is. That is just the unhealthy person inside of me talking.

 

For someone who says he just wants to be happy and live in peace, he sure does a lot of things that go against that.

[Ksol9]

I freaked out about the receipts saying he went to an Asian massage at 10pm at night. Moreso that he lied about where they went. Then I found Instagram messages to women flirting or whatever you want to call it. I'm not blowing this out of proportion right? This stuff is down right wrong and it would be cause to end the relationship right?

 

Would any of you handle this differently? Would you be able to live with things like this?

 

I'm sorry if I sound foolish.

[dakun]

I get the impression that you are waiting for him to contact you and apologize.

 

I hoped this too when broke up with my ex.. but I never hope for reconciliation.. what I hope is some respect to have face to face meeting.. I want to hold on a thought that I wasn't that fool to mistaken the real of this guy with the one I knew/believed.. because I feel really really fool, and if I'm that fool how can I believe in my judgement anymore..

 

But as Ksol said, maybe it's better like that so we can know that there is no hope.. and he's not that worth..

 

About the confident in judgement.. it's getting better everyday.. as I read a lot, I analyze.. and I know it's not all the flaw of my judgement, it's him too.. I'll just be more carefull if someone is inconsistent.. I still have hope for the future..

 

I know you have that hope too Ksol

[Ms Darcy]

I freaked out about the receipts saying he went to an Asian massage at 10pm at night. Moreso that he lied about where they went. Then I found Instagram messages to women flirting or whatever you want to call it. I'm not blowing this out of proportion right? This stuff is down right wrong and it would be cause to end the relationship right?

 

Would any of you handle this differently? Would you be able to live with things like this?

 

I'm sorry if I sound foolish.

 

Since you asked ...

 

I would have stayed away after the first breakup.

 

I am not saying you are wrong. Just that this is a very unusual situation. Perhaps others in on off relationships can give you a comforting answer.

[Ksol9]

I think I'm just doubting myself. I'm in shock and in denial. I know deep down inside this behavior is wrong. Even lying about going to the massage parlor is wrong alone. What woman in their right mind is ok with their husband or bf going to massage parlors at night while they are laying at home in bed? He kept saying...nothing is wrong with me getting a massage, I can get massages! I shouldn't even question this behavior. Even further the Instagram messages are inappropriate. He didn't even have a straight answer for it because there is none. He's wrong..dead wrong for what he did and I shouldn't even waste anymore time on him ever again. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and forget about him. He was just a mistake and you are absolutely right, I should have never went back after the first breakup. I was so attached and I still am. I don't even know what to feel. I just know I have to find a way to rid myself of him. To be honest, I feel something that I haven't felt before..because of the type of place he went to, I feel disgusted by him, he's dirty, he's damaged goods to me. I have to be really insecure to be with a man like that. For me not to care or to accept him going to places like that at 10pm at night is out of this world. I truly hope I can get past this. I know it's still very early. I hope my pain and attitude doesn't become worse. I hope I don't end up feeling the way I did during any of the other breakups. Him and I are not going to find ourselves back together again after this. I don't believe he even really wanted the commitment. That is why he goes to places like this. He doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. I don't even really care what he wants or doesn't want anymore. I care about what I want and I don't want a man that is going to give me that quality of life. He hurt me so badly so many times. When am I going to open my eyes and stop putting myself through this?

 

I don't know if my attitude would change or if I would soften if I were to hear from him, but I highly doubt that is going to happen. I can honestly say with the way things are right now, I am going to try my very hardest to move on with my life. I'm going to continue therapy, exercise, I'm going to think about career change, date new people, I'm going to do this the right way. I deserve so much more than that trash. He went to an establishment known for prostitution at 10 o'clock at night. What a catch? What woman wants that kind of life? his ex wife had 2 children and she had no choice to put up with that. The minute she got into the army, she left him. He maintains she was always unfaithful. I can absolutely see why. If he did anything like what he did to me (and I'm pretty sure he did) I could absolutely see why she would have cheated on him. I would never do that and I have a choice. I am not obligated to him. Thank god we are not married and have no children. All I lost was the 2 years I spent on him.

[SparklyBoots]

KSol I truely believe this man has some deep rooted issues. He is gaslighting you to make you feel like the crazy one....I spent 17 years with my ex husband who I had so many red flags with but I, hands up, ignored due to having children together....I found receipts, messages...he always had a seemingly plausible excuse, was in the right, got angry with me, made me feel bad for doubting him....when I finally caught him out messaging multiple women in a sexual way (he left himself logged in on our computer and my 13 year old daughter opened this up!!!) I cracked and told him to leave...I could not believe the depths to which he was going behind my back. You know, he was highly insecure, wanted the attention of these other women while still holding onto the little wifie....I believe he loved me, but he also had this outside need for validation due to his own insecurities...I am not saying that your guy is like this, just my experience of someone I had been with for sooo long, he turned out to be someone I didn't even know....you are already having so many red flags and doubting yourself, a little while away from this and more therapy would be really good for you. AND YOU ARE THE IMPORTANT PERSON HERE!

 

My ex husband shacked up with one of these 'convenient' ladies who had flattered him when I chucked him out, told me she was his soulmate...well, about a year down the line, he gave my son his old phone and hadn't deleted messages...he was messaging other ladies sexually behind his 'soulmate's' back....*sighs....

 

Some men need this flattery....some men lie....some men we will never truely know....some men are awesome and totally make us feel safe and loved.

 

Noone can know the absolute truth about what is going on here with him, but you need to heed your gut instincts and what you have experienced.....you have never felt at ease with this man. Maybe it is your own issues, maybe it is him....all i know is if you give yourself a little time to find your own happiness, you will be in a much better place. I also think he needs to want to go to therapy himself. His actions show he doesn't respect you (FB is just a minor one)...Yanno, if he feels he had to lie to you about what he is up regarding the massage thing, as if he is anticipating your negative reaction, this relationship really has no legs... neither of you can keep walking on eggshells.

 

Most of all ((hugs))xxxWe all care about you. No experience is the same, but I am sure we all just want you to find some peace xxxx

[Ms Darcy]

I think where you may get yourself in trouble is focusing on one thing.

 

You did that during previous breakups and talked yourself into forgiving a specific incident or two.

 

Look at the totality. Go back to the start of this thread. Not as a means to vilify him but for you to understand the repeating pattern here.

 

If need a large sample size to understand the pattern, then look at that. Understand all that has happened.

 

He's shown you who he is over and over. Right and wrong DOES NOT MATTER. Acceptable to you or not. That's all that matters.

[SparklyBoots]

And I don't want to hijack but to reply to Lostlove...

"Hi Sparkly. Thank you so much for this; it means a lot that you understand. I'm sorry that you went through the same thing. After my experience with him, I would rather have just about any relationship problem under the sun than the non-commitalness. It really does make you question what is wrong with yourself that someone says they love you so much, yet won't go all the way. How long did it take you to enjoy life again? I've quit checking up on him, other than seeing when he's online. It was so horribly painful to see him involved with all these different girls since we quit talking. He moved on so

immediately and so easily, like I meant nothing at all. It still hurts, but I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better. Thank you so much for all your kind words!

 

This man was in and out of my life with his non-commitalness for about four years!!!!! I think I felt a bit worthless due to years of being with my ex husband (see above) and I fell hook line and sinker for the lovely words.....actions didn't live up...it took me about six months or so to feel better after blocking him and our mutual friends....it was easy to do this as they lived a bit of a distance away...yes, I still think fondly of the good times we shared, and I probably will always have a little corner of my heart for the person I like to think he was...but with time and distance I realised a lot of his cute words were from when he was drunk or stoned. When he sobered up came the cold phase. Anyone with an addiction, you can't trust what they say as you never know whether it is the real them saying these things, or them on a high...I've been on my own for a good long time now, and am doing really well x

[Ms Darcy]

Let me edit my comment. He is definitely wrong.

 

My comments are more about recognizing that you are in the anger/denial/anger stage. What happens when you get to bargaining? It's harder to try to work things out when you clearly identify how your boundaries have been violated.

 

In THAT case, you might be less likely to convince yourself that he didn't cheat therefore he wasn't REALLY in the wrong. Do you know what I mean?

[Ksol9]

Hi sparklyboots, oh how I wish I could be where you are right now. You sound like you've already crossed over the most difficult parts and you are ok now. I'm sorry you had to experience all of that.

 

I'm in so much pain but as I read your post, I feel this is pretty much what is going on with him. He needs some sort of validation, excitement, or attention from other women to make him feel good. This is his insecurity. Maybe that is why he is always projecting that into me saying I'm insecure...that and part of it is manipulation of course. If I thought he made a mistake and wouldn't do it again, i wouldn't be talking the way I am now. I forgave him for the email for that reason..because I believed he made a mistake and wouldn't do it again. This time..so different. There are too many things that I have proof of that shows these are not mistakes and he is not going to change. The more time that passes, I am less and less interested in exchanging words with him. I don't think I'll hear from him regardless. He knows this time is overboard and he doesn't have an explanation for any of it. Big reason why I now I won't hear from him. I know this is over. I couldn't live with the things he did. What happens from here on out is up to me. I don't want to sit here for the next few months crying about how he hurt me.

 

I truly believe you are right. No one really knows the truth about what is going on with him or why he does these things. I have always had these suspicions about him. I think we both have our own issues, but I was working on mine. I started therapy the day after he broke up with me in January and I've continued ever since. I hope and pray I am better equipped now than I was during previous breakups. The specifics of this breakup is also different. My gut tells me there is no hope for us. He doesn't want this relationship and he wouldn't go to therapy at this point. I wouldn't even try to make him. Someone has to want to change in order to change. He doesn't respect me and the only way for me to get my respect back is to stay away. Refusing to re-add me on Facebook was a major red flag. Everything adds up now. It all makes sense.

 

This is still so fresh. It has only been 2 days. I know I will have highs and lows. I just really hope and pray I don't fall into depression again and the anxiety..it will crush me. I don't want to feel that way ever again. I know I won't hear from him. I need to forget about him. Forget about what he has to say or how he feels. I need to focus on myself. I need to take care of myself. I better get used to being alone again. Right now everything feels like a blur. I still can't believe the man I know did those things and would have likely continued. He had me fooled not totally, but enough to keep me there.

 

I think ms Darcy is right, I need to look at the whole thing. From the first breakup and all the small things I chose to forgive. What was I waiting for? To find real proof of him having sex wth someone else? He went to prostitution establishment. There have been a number of things that were unacceptable to me and I forced myself to accept. This i can not. I just can't live with it. Knowing he is this type of person, I can't find it in myself to be ok with this one.

[Ksol9]

Let me edit my comment. He is definitely wrong.

 

My comments are more about recognizing that you are in the anger/denial/anger stage. What happens when you get to bargaining? It's harder to try to work things out when you clearly identify how your boundaries have been violated.

 

In THAT case, you might be less likely to convince yourself that he didn't cheat therefore he wasn't REALLY in the wrong. Do you know what I mean?

 

 

Totally understand. I'm very fearful of he bargaining. I did a little bit of it today. Wondering if what he did was really that bad. Was I making a bigger deal of it than I should? That is madness. That is why I need to keep reminding myself. I will go back and read through. I will make notes to refer to. I'm going to do what I have to do to get through this. I have been very weak in the past. I was so stubborn all I wanted was to get him back. He has already done the worst. I am sure he has been with other women. I am sure he got this happy ending. He is a liar and a cheat. i am in the anger/denial/ shock stage. You don't know how afraid I am. I remember the suffering I went through all too well. My tune could easily change after I've convinced myself I want him back. I have to find a way to make it through this. For now, I don't want to talk to him. I want to move on with my life. I'm not going to contact him. Just leaving everything alone and thinking about my own sanity and well being.

[boltnrun]

You want so badly to have someone convince you what he did was not wrong. I think you'd have an easier time believing you are over-dramatizing and overreacting so you can go back to him.

 

But, as Mrs. Darcy said, look at the big picture. How many episodes have there been? How often were you fearful, anxious, panicky?

 

A woman in a healthy relationship does not feel compelled to rifle through her partner's overnight bag, does not feel compelled to look through his phone the second his back is turned, does not feel compelled to check his Facebook page using someone else's access. NONE of those things are indications of being in a healthy, loving and secure relationship.

 

Whenever anyone pointed out you were rug-sweeping, you vehemently denied it and cited the "wonderful" weekends and days you two had together enjoying one another's company. But you know that was false. You wanted to believe, so you believed.

 

You are NOT crazy, over-dramatizing or over-reacting! You just want it to not be so. But it IS so, unfortunately.

 

I am also disturbed by the fact he screams at you. While you're crying. And continues to scream at you. Sorry, but that is borderline abusive behavior. There is no need to scream when you're right in front of him. He was attempting to intimidate you and cower you so you'd apologize, then shut up about whatever it was that upset you. He believes you want him so badly that you'll just pretend you don't know what you know and didn't see what you saw, just to keep him.

 

Prove him wrong.

 

You cannot and will not accept being screamed at. You cannot and will not accept being lied to. You cannot and will not accept being treated dismissively and without care. You just will not do this anymore. It isn't working and it will not work.

 

I hope you are able to find peace soon.

[Ksol9]

This is true bolt. I just can't believe it because I don't want to believe he really is this horrible person. I don't know him at all. There is no way around these things. If they could be explained away, then I'd probably be trying to convince myself I could stay, but they can't be explained. That is why he ran and has nothing to say. I can't ignore these things.

 

I don't know if I ever mentioned this here before, but whenever I would communicate with him about an important matter, I would shake. My lips would quiver, my body would shake. He is defensive and yells 99% of the time even when unnecessary. I remember my therapist at the time telling me he was conditioning me to fear him so that I wouldn't ever come forward to say anything to him. That is why I allowed the rug sweeping so many times. But this..this time..how can I ignore this one. I just can't. And because of this incident, I can't accept any of the other things. It is borderline abusive. He is manipulative. They go hand in hand. This is a bad person. I don't know why I can't just see that and close this case. It is over. Maybe I'm getting there. I have so much more awareness right now. Maybe in a short time I will shut down all these thoughts and commit myself to forgetting about him. Maybe it's just a matter of days. I do feel very strongly about what I'm saying. I don't see myself sitting here for months crying over him ever again. It's time I move on with my life.

[SparklyBoots]

I am also disturbed by the fact he screams at you. While you're crying. And continues to scream at you. Sorry, but that is borderline abusive behavior. There is no need to scream when you're right in front of him. He was attempting to intimidate you and cower you so you'd apologize, then shut up about whatever it was that upset you. He believes you want him so badly that you'll just pretend you don't know what you know and didn't see what you saw, just to keep him.

 

This, totally this...this is not a loving reaction, and you deserve so, so much more than this xxxx.

[boltnrun]

This is true bolt. I just can't believe it because I don't want to believe he really is this horrible person. I don't know him at all. There is no way around these things. If they could be explained away, then I'd probably be trying to convince myself I could stay, but they can't be explained. That is why he ran and has nothing to say. I can't ignore these things.

 

I don't know if I ever mentioned this here before, but whenever I would communicate with him about an important matter, I would shake. My lips would quiver, my body would shake. He is defensive and yells 99% of the time even when unnecessary. I remember my therapist at the time telling me he was conditioning me to fear him so that I wouldn't ever come forward to say anything to him. That is why I allowed the rug sweeping so many times. But this..this time..how can I ignore this one. I just can't. And because of this incident, I can't accept any of the other things. It is borderline abusive. He is manipulative. They go hand in hand. This is a bad person. I don't know why I can't just see that and close this case. It is over. Maybe I'm getting there. I have so much more awareness right now. Maybe in a short time I will shut down all these thoughts and commit myself to forgetting about him. Maybe it's just a matter of days. I do feel very strongly about what I'm saying. I don't see myself sitting here for months crying over him ever again. It's time I move on with my life.

 

No, you didn't mention that. I think you were trying to convince everyone (including yourself) that everything was JUST FINE!!! and that you two were so much closer and communicating so much better. You kept insisting, things are different this time!!!

 

It was the classic example of "me thinks the lady doth protest too much".

 

And I get it...you really, really wanted it to work. You wanted it to be different this time. And it is. It's worse.

 

I do believe you will have an easier time walking away for good. The only way you'd ever go back is if you make a determined, concerted effort to pretend you don't know what you know. And I bet you're going to have a hard time doing that, if at all.