Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Oh and before I forget....

 

Lostlove, I haven't forgotten about you. I just wanted to shout out a quick hello. I hope life is treating you well. I was thinking earlier how long I've been on this journey, much of it I shared with you as you helped me along the way. I'm still very grateful for your support and friendship.

[Ksol9]

 

 

Just wanted to share this great little video.

 

I've been using my spare time to listen to motivational speeches on YouTube and videos that just remind me and inspire me to change my life. In particular, change what I focus on. Much of my journal consists of negative thinking. I was obsessive in my thinking and I truely believe everything I thought about with conviction, came to be. All I thought about was what he was doing behind my back. I was so attached. I was so foolish not to see that I was setting myself up for disaster. Every time I went back, nothing changed. How was either of us supposed to change? The outcome was the same and he began to disrespect me more and more. He knew I loved him more than myself and anytime we were in NC, I'm almost certain he knew i was sitting around waiting. Never..never, ever love a single soul more than you love yourself!

 

Looking back, there are a number of things I would have done differently. Self work is the hardest work I'll ever do. Changing, growing, and becoming is a strong woman is hard work. I still spend time thinking about him and what he did and yes, sometimes it's obsessive, but I'm trying to change that and I assume in time it will become easier to redirect my thoughts. I still think about how much he has hurt me and the things he was doing still haunt me. I think of it in a different way now though. I see it as very juvenille, stupid (for lack of a better word), and self destructive. The woman that I am....I can't see myself with a man who, as soon as he leaves my sight or gets off the phone with me is sending messages to other women (without discrimination) making implications to hookup, a man who goes to massage parlors to get happy endings. Me? With a man like this? (Lol)That is all really foolish, foolish behavior and I have every right and reason to have taken the measures I have taken to protect myself...std/aids testing and to remove his toxic mess out of my life. That relationship was very toxic. I realize now, I was never going to change as an individual and neither as he while being with him. I still love him and deep down inside I hope for change and a fight for what we had, but life is not perfect and we aren't always given what we really want. I've let go of any outcome...more or less.

 

I fight with myself everyday to hold on to and to build my self confidence as a woman. As far as I have come and how I feel about myself at this point...I will never let someone rob me of that. The amount of work it took to get to where I am...let's just say it has unmeasurable value. I'm really in a much better place emotionally and mentally than I've ever been. Now I just have to actually accomplish all the things I've set out to do.

 

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend. Until next time..

[Ksol9]

Just like that my whole mood changed.

 

We've been having some added stress with our businesses. Nothing that can not be solved. They were unforeseen and sudden so it adds an element of stress to my life. I also was not feeling well last and I'm still recovering from that. . I've been really trying to stay on top of self care because I know with the way I am, I know self care is most important in times like this. I am very terrified of going through any emotional pain due to the breakup. I have experienced just a minor amount of grief, if any at all. I credit it all to the hardwork I've been doing with my counselor. I've been in control of my emotions. Last night I began to feel strange.

 

I can't even explain it. Just a lot of thoughts about him have been flooding my mind. Not really just him, but my life, my career, him, the breakup and what caused it. I'm bargaining a bit. Why at this stage did I flip back to bargaining??? I'm experiencing a bit of anger as well. The anger had pretty much subsided. It aeeems to have crept right back in. I have this really bad feeling in my chest. It must be anxiety. I hope this doesn't get worse.

 

I don't know what I am experiencing or why. Why at this point? Nothing happened that triggered it directly in relation to him. He is still blocked and I haven't heard a thing from him since last week. The only thing that happened was an accident at one of our locations.

 

I got a call yesterday evening from one of our employees. Out of breath and in distress. "Car hit storefront! No one is hurt! Come quick!" I race over there. I shouldn't have been speeding, but my nerves controlled the decision making. It's funny because as I am typing, I specifically remember being mindful. My mind was promoting me to act rationally and calm. I suceeded maybe 50/50 with that. On the outside I probably appeared calm dealing with police officers, but on the inside I was thinking, "what the heck is going on?!?" I came home and all I wanted to do was go straight to bed. Of course I couldn't sleep well and I woke up early only to find myself here. I'm writing to process.

 

I want to break down and cry. What is happening with my life? It feels like a streak of bad luck. It's just one thing after the next. Why am I working so hard? What am I working so hard for? It keeps replaying in my mind..he used to tell me, "You don't know how to be happy!" What if he's right? What if I'm just fooling myself with all the work I'm doing on myself? Because deep down inside I do still struggle some. Maybe this is who I am. Someone who worries, thinks negatively, and doesn't know how to live in the moment and be happy. Inside I feel like a pot of water that is beginning to boil.

 

I don't know what to do to get myself out of this feeling. I don't like it at all. It feels too familiar of a time I had no control and when the life was being drained out of me. Maybe I should try to go back to sleep. Thankfully today is Sunday and I can use the day to rest, hopefully with no more surprises.

[UnchainedSoul]

Dearest Ksol,

 

It's been three hours since your last post, so i hope these feelings have subsided some. Before I want to begin, I just wanted to say that was an amazing video you shared, I hope you continue to share amazing videos like that on your journal. It is always good to see positive things in such a negative place.

 

That being said, you, yourself are in a very negative place, that is why you are bargaining. There comes a point in our lives when we think, why are we doing this? What is the point of all of this? I have been faced with those questions many times in my life, and all I have to say about that is those answers only come when you live in the moment. Life is about moments and how we choose to spend them. You are under a lot of stress at work, and you are compounded with thoughts of loneliness, that's why you are thinking of him. Would a girl's night out help? A new hobby, or activity where you can connect with people? Doing something artistic is always good therapy. Have you thought about painting, or playing an instrument? We all know writing is beneficial, but did you ever think about writing for fun? Creating a story?

 

What gets me out of the types of moods you were speaking about in your last post is creativity. You listen to a lot of "real world" things, and you exercise. Those are all great things. But the REAL joy in life is creating something. As a woman, I think we feel this more than men. For us, the ultimate creation is having a baby. I know in this life, I will never experience that joy (due to complications), and as hard as that is, I accept that. So I create in other ways. I create wonderful paintings on Paint Night (check to see if they have anything like that there in Florida). You get to paint and have a dinner and drinks with complete strangers while you are trying to create your masterpiece. It is very therapeutic and calming, and also fun! It's also a great way to meet people. I think that if you create something, even something small, like a piece of jewelry or something, and keep it with you, you will feel a lot better about life and yourself.

 

Don't despair, Ksol. This is just a tough patch. Sometimes when your heading up a mountain, (which you are doing and I am so proud of you by they way!), sometimes you get the occasional rockslide. Those moments are really tough, and I believe that is when God tests you. I am not religious in any way, but when in those moments you are feeling, I think praying really helps. Praying and a really good cry. Release is all too important.

 

Hang in there, and as you know I am here for you. I still check in here and read almost every other day to see how you are. Your story has been very inspiring to me and my life, and I think you have what it takes to beat this situation and put all of it behind you. You are a very strong woman, Ksol, so you WILL beat this.

 

All my love to you.

[figureitout23]

denial

anger

bargaining

depression

acceptance

 

Me personally, I think you have been bouncing between the first 3. Now that everything's happened and you've lost hope, I mean actually, truly lost hope, you're bouncing between the last two, with a little bit of 3 mixed in.

[Ksol9]

Thank you unchained and figureitout. I'm doing ok, but I'm still feeling pretty drained mentally and emotionally. Yesterday was terrible.

 

Therapy went well today. I told him all about how I am feeling. He said that I should allow myself to take a couple days to just feel and move through my emotions because as you both said, this is just something I have to endure. It's part of the process. He said to be sure not to allow myself to get stuck. I heard everything he was saying but nothing is really making sense to me right now. I just feel lost at the moment. I know I won't allow myself to stay here long and I will find the motivation to get back on track, but for right now, I think I just want to wallow in my mess.

 

To add to all the things that life is throwing at me right now, I received a few emails from him last night. First email says hi. I was pretty skeptical so I didn't respond. Another email comes through. He says hey what have you been up to? I respond a little while later. I thought it through. I decided I wanted to see if he would address what happened last week or say something that made sense. I wasn't counting on it, but I responded saying that I've just been doing my thing and then I asked what was up with him. He responded saying..I'm doing ok I guess. There was no mention of the way he spoke to me last week. Nothing about what was going on between us. I decided I wouldn't respond because the conversation was nonsense. I wouldn't engage further. About five minutes later, I get another email. He says..I really wish you would spend the night. I really miss your presence. I was disappointed. I turned off my phone and went straight to sleep. That was so disrespectful. He has never asked me out to eat to talk or to meet somewhere to talk. I mean it's pretty obvious what his intentions are. Does he realize how terrible that looks? I wasn't angered. I was so, so disappointed and I still am.

 

I'm done arguing and fighting. I'm done highlighting him on what he did. It's completely unnecessary for me to have had to list the things he has done in the first place. At this point he is treating me like I am stupid. I'm so disappointed in him and I don't know what else to say. I feel so let down and just hurt by it all. I mean to come back with a hi after speaking to me the way he did last week was very selfish and self centered. He just doesn't care about me and never did. He never loved me. There really isn't anything more I can do. I don't care to block him or to tell him off. I just feel like nothing really mattters. The mood that I'm in...I just don't care anymore.

 

My therapist said something to me that really made a lot of sense. He said that I should not carry resentment for him. Dealing with him and the situation we are in will be a bit difficult if he continues to poke like this, but I should deal with it in a way that I wouldn't carry resentment and in a way that was true to myself. I can't find answers anymore. I've tried every single angle with him. I've been nice, angry, stern, mean, firm..you name it. I just need to be me. I felt that the way he has handled everything since I left was very wrong. He doesn't ever have to admit to what he has done. I know the truth in my heart. If he really wanted to work towards a better relationship, he does have to acknowledge that his behavior and decisions have been self destructive and that is the reason for the mess our relationship was in. He hasn't for whatever reason and that only tells me history will repeat itself. He still believes somehow that I'll just drop everything and go back. He has never even said he could at least understand why I feel the way I do. He has blantently said his faults were minor and that I have a lot to be blamed for. What am I supposed to do with that? How...even if I wanted to go back, how could I go back knowing he is not taking responsibility for anything whatsoever and that there is no willingness to change or even right his wrongs. It's absurd to think he believes things will play out the way they did any of the other times. I didn't respond and he didn't write back again after that. i really don't have any options. My only option is to move forward and just keep fighting for myself.

 

I don't know how to kick myself out of this little rut I'm in. My therapist says not to be too hard on myself, but I don't feel good at all..about everything, not just him. I'll throw myself this pity party for just a bit longer. I will get back on track soon. Thank you both again for your support.

[Ksol9]

I hope this is just a hiccup in the road. I took my counselor's advice and used the remainder of the day to just shut down and do things I wanted to do. I took a nice long nap and then I did some exercise. I didn't go to pilates today since I was feeling so off. I'm in bed with my laptop and a face mask. Thought I write a bit before washing it off.

 

I still feel sort of off. I don't really know how to put my feelings into words. I just feel really unsettled. About everything. I haven't even attempted to sort through my thoughts because I feel very lost. Any attempt to make sense of what I am feeling will end up with me hitting a brick wall. I think the best thing for me to do right now is focus on self care. Clarity will come in time. I feel like it is just one thing after another that is falling down on me...besides the situation with him. The situation with him just makes it worse. I guess all the other things going on are apart of life and thankfully those things have solutions. Eventually they will be resolved. I really should be grateful that my problems are not much worse. There are many people around the world that have problems that can not be resolved and they have no solution. My issues will eventually pass. I'm just hitting a rough patch and it's creating some tension for me. Now that I'm typing it out, I'm feeling somewhat like a spoiled brat. Some patience would help to ease my nerves, but as you all know, patience is not my thing.

 

When I think about the situation with him, I realize there is no solution. The best way I can stay true to myself is by not engaging in anymore conversation with him. He didn't try to contact again after last night and I think he knows by now it won't be a good idea to try to push further because it would only end in another fight through text, so he just left it there since I did not respond. I don't remember who said it here on my thread, but a previous poster said that he won't admit to something he thinks he got away with if he feels he has a chance. That's pretty accurate. He's not a standup guy and never was. He has always been cowardly. I take responsibility for the way things are going right now. For so long, I always fixed every problem. He only had to say 2 words and I came running back with my bags in tow. I don't understand the logic in what he is doing, but my guess is that because I have engaged in some conversation with him, he feels he can get me to surrender and everything will go back to normal. Things will be ok for a month or two and then he will go back to doing what he has always been doing. The way he is going about things right now is so that he doesn't have to change and so that he doesn't have to face any consequences. I could be wrong, but that's the only conclusion I could come up with.

 

Over the next few days, I'm going to spend some time sorting myself out, re-centering myself, and getting back on track with all that I'm working on. He refuses and will not be straightforward with me, so I shouldn't allow that BS in my life. This has to stop. Why he hasn't said that we shouldn't be living this way is besides me. I don't think I'll ever understand his logic. As for me, I can't live this way anymore. This break up to make up, not speaking for months, game playing, manipulation, blame games, all of this....has to stop.

[Ksol9]

Had a good night's rest. Time to tackle another day.

 

Yesterday I actually did some exercise and studying. I plan to do the same today.

 

My success or failure depends on me...no one else, but me.

[Clarisse]

Unfortunately, until you go completely NC with him, you will continue to be on this emotional roller coaster.

 

There's not much to understand. He's trying to gaslight you as he has in the past. As long as you continue to engage with him, he thinks he has a shot at wearing you down. It may not seem like it but every time you respond to him, you're feeding him ego kibbles and prolonging your healing in the process.

 

Self-care sounds like a great idea. How about coupling that with complete NC?

 

Good luck.

[Ksol9]

Hi there. From the inside, I sometimes get lost and confused. I'm very confused by his actions and his logic just doesn't make sense. And I think you are right. This is what you call gas lighting. I guess from the outside, you can easily identify this. The logic behind trying to wear me down just doesn't make sense to me. With time, I am getting stronger. With time, I am seeing more and more that he isn't being a stand up man and isn't going to change. Time is not going to make me change my mind. His little pop ups are not impactful. He doesn't have meaningful conversations with me. It's all very strange in my mind.

 

It wasn't long ago that I set a boundary that I would not have anything to say to him unless it made sense. I have not held true to that boundary. I've responded to him numerous times. If I hear anything from him again, it will be an opportunity to uphold that boundary. Im not doing myself any good by engaging with him. This time was him asking me to come over. Last time was an argument about what he did and him denying it all. Each and every interaction has been negative and has resulted in no progress.

 

I feel like I need to snap out of this and get serious about my life.

[Ksol9]

I found a little bit of peace today. I'm starting to accept that I am entering a new stage in this whole process. I couldn't stay angry forever and while I found strength and motivation in the anger, it is not a healthy emotion and I couldn't stay there forever. Don't get me wrong, the anger still comes and goes, but for the most part with all of the things going on in my life with family, work, and with him, I'm still feeling disappointed. There's sadness.

 

I did alot of thinking today. I thought about the woman I am becoming and how after this breakup, my main goal has been to reinvent myself and to transform my life. I endured so much pain that it sent me into reinvention. I think about my life and the kind of life I want to lead. I don't want to be bitter and angry. I want to grow and learn and love. I am so careful about what I feed my mind. Each day when I wake up, I listen to motivational speeches. I remind myself of what I am working toward. I am taking care of my mind and body mentally, spiritually, and physically. Those things are bound to pay off right? When it comes to him, I'm still thinking of the toxic and negative things he has done. I still talk about it. I still give energy to it. Therefore, I'm still giving it life and a place in my heart. A place where it no longer belongs. What's done is done. I can't do anything to change it. There is no use in me holding it against him anymore. I want to let it all go. The anger, the pain, the fear, the betrayal....everything negative that comes with it. I was listening to a motivational video while I was getting my nails done. I think it was Oprah who said this, but it was the most powerful thing I have heard in a long time. She said, "you are a responsible for your life. No one is going to save you, fix you, help you, or make you happy. Only you have the power to take responsibility to move your life forward. See this moment for what it is. Accept it, forgive the past, take responsibility, and get moving." That's where I really want to be.

 

I went for a run today with my dog. I don't usually incorporate running or much cardio in my workout because I'm pretty slim. I'm definitely not trying to lose weight. There was a storm rolling in. I could feel little sprinkles of rain, a cool breeze...I closed my eyes as I walked on the sidewalk with my dog. I just took in the fresh air. I felt at peace to be honest. I don't know what my purpose is in life. I don't know what the bigger picture is here. All I know is that maybe somewhere down the road, this will all make sense. He came into my life for a reason and there has been no other relationship ever in my life that has sent me into self discovery like this one. I feel like I am on a journey to find myself. I feel lost, but I'm searching and I'm learning every single day. Whatever is in store for me in the future, I know it will be something great. I just hope there is no more pain. I've endured so much. With the bit of sadness that I have been experiencing lately, I kind of find it liberating. I know this is leading me somewhere and what I am feeling now is not worse than what I would be feeling if I was still with him, so I welcome all the change and all that I have to go through to get to somewhere peaceful.

 

 

Just some of my thoughts...

Have a great evening everyone!

[UnchainedSoul]

Little moments of peace are bits of strength. I met a man the other day that said to me, "I can't be with a woman who has no joy in her life." As nice as that sounds, it was a mask. His intentions were that I would be the woman to bring him joy, because he lacks it in his life. (I found this out later, because he admitted it). People look to other people to make themselves feels things. What you are on, is a journey to give that joy to yourself, in which no one can rob you of.

 

It is a hard journey because you are relying on yourself. I think it's the best gift you can give to YOU. Keep working hard at it. You're almost there. There is some part of me that thinks you don't go NC because you secretly like the drama. You like that he keeps trying, because you leave the door open for him. That isn't healthy Ksol, and you're going to continue going through the lows if you give him the chance to contact you.

 

Take care of you.

[Ksol9]

Hi there. Just wanted to post an update.

 

I'm still dealing with a bit of extra stress at work, but other than that I've kicked myself in the butt the last few days regarding exercise and studying. I wanted to head out of town this week to get some fresh air with friends, but I didn't want to go too far since my aunt is going into labor any day now. I wouldn't want to miss the delivery, so I'm just going to stay in this weekend. We are getting a bit of rain from the hurricane in the gulf. It will make for a cozy weekend.

 

Unchained, thank you for writing. Thank you for your encouragement. I'm not sure that I like the drama. Maybe I subconsciously do, but I think the bigger problem was my attachment to him. I was engulfed in him, in his life. I dedicated my entire being to him and his children for over 2 years. I now see how unhealthy that was. I didn't know what I know now. I still feel at times, that I just want to go back to my old life...back to what is familiar, but we all know that wouldn't be a wise decision. I think I've left that door open simply because of hope. I still hope, and probably always will, deep down inside that he will come forward and make his wrongs right. As it is right now, I don't see that ever happening, but I've left the option there and not that I will ever act on it. I do think I am at a point where it would be unlikely that I'd just go running back to ease any anxiety or pain. I'm still fighting this...every single day and I know I will be ok. Eventually.

 

I realized something today when I was dealing with a difficult employee. I've always been one to take stress home with me. I literally worry myself sick about anything and everything....not just in the relationship sector. I have one employee who is extremely difficult to deal with. Previously, I would carry around extreme resentment for this person when she would continue to ignore my instructions. She has been up for termination quite a few times and has been given chance after chance to improve. She will improve for a short period of time and will then revert back to old ways. Mind you, we are a small business. We treat our employees like family and often take their personal problems into consideration. Her and her husband have been dealing with quite a few personal issues lately. As of recently, her mother in law got sick and passed away. They're just really having a tough time, but I thought to myself, there has to be a boundary here. How long are personal problems going to affect your conduct at work and how long am I going to carry around resentment for her? I even spoke about this with my therapist last week. He advised me to speak to her about it. Speak to her directly about my resentment that has been growing for her. He said the situation with him might be a bit harder to tackle (not that I have to tackle anything with him anymore), but starting with my employee would be a great start. I took his advice. I had a serious conversation with her and she is back on track, but I'm still a little upset with her inside. I want to be proactive about this and so starting Monday morning I am going to work a little more closely with her to make sure she is fulfilling all her duties. This way she can improve her performance and I can feel better about her. I don't want her to lose her job. I know she depends on us. I realized walking around with anger and resentment on my chest is my responsibility and I can absolutely do something about. This is me beginning to be proactive. Let's call it practice. This is something new for me. I've always been a sort of pushover....a softy. I still am, but I'm learning and I'm growing in all aspects.

 

Everytime I think about that problem with my employee, I tell myself how silly I am to be stressing myself over something so silly. I really need to humble myself. There are so many other people out there who have it much worse than me. As I type, I am reminding myself that there is no problem too big to solve and to remain positive. Find positivity in every situation. Be compassionate and kind. I'll remind myself of this the next time I begin to get frustrated with her again. If she is still performing poorly, then...well...things just won't work out. We will have to terminate her. I think dealing with all these small issues with employees are good practice for me in eliminating extra stress in my life rather than to just allow it to pile up. Just in general, I think it's a good time for me to begin practicing healthier habits in communicating. Here in this journal, I spoke alot about how he doesn't know how to communicate, but I also think I don't communicate effectively with others either.

 

Every day is a learning experience. Hope you all enjoy your weekend and anyone in the path of this storm in the south, my prayers are with you.

[Ksol9]

Another update...

 

Today is a beautiful day for my family! My aunt had a healthy beautiful little girl this morning.

 

I am sitting with my mom in the waiting room. The rest of my family will be here later.

Feeling so grateful. I'm so fortunate to have the family I have. I truly feel so lucky. This is what life's all about. Moments like this.

 

Life is so, so good.

[Ksol9]

Good morning everyone!

 

The baby and my aunt are doing well. They did an emergency c-section so she is in a lot of pain. However, she is progressing well. I've been so tired the past few days because after work I'll head to the hospital and will be there until late at night. I slept well last night and now I'm still feeling drained. I need a day to just rest and recharge. I haven't even been able to exercise. It's for good reason though and for that I'm thankful.

 

Today i have therapy around lunch time. I'm excited to take a moment to recap my week. I was able to get in some good studying and the announcement of a healthy cousin will be great to talk about for a change. While I had a great week, I've also been feeling a little lost. Most days are good since I've got so much going on, but then I will have days where things feel so pointless and I feel as though I'm getting no where fast. I'm very hard on myself at times.

 

My sister will be coming to visit this weekend. Im so excited to see my nephew. I really think a lot of the progress I've made is because of the amount of time I've spent with family. It really helped me through these 3 months. I suggest anyone who is going through a breakup to lean on family in the very beginning. I was alone and isolated myself during previous breakups. It just intensifies the depression and its harder to combat negative thinking. My family is my rock. On days like today, when I feel tired and worn out, I think it's best I slow down and take some extra care of myself. I've got a bit of work to do today and then afterward, I'm just going to spend the rest of the day in order to recharge. .

 

I'm sorry to hear about those in Texas affected by flooding. My prayers are with you.

Have a great day today everyone!

[Ksol9]

I had a wonderful weekend. My sister, her husband, and my nephew left yesterday. We spent a lot of quality, family time together. Other than that, things are going well. There's a massive hurricane brewing and should be here by the end of the week. They aren't sure of the projected path and have just given us a general area. Either way we are trying to make preparations without panicking just yet. Our governor has declared a state of emergency and we are keeping a close watch. For the first time in a very long time, I woke up at 5:30 am with a sinking feeling. I came here to write in hopes to relieve a bit of stress. .

 

Although things are going well for me, I still have this empty feeling inside. There were multiple times throughout the weekend and even last week that I sat and thought how he just missed out on so many great things happening in my family. He was such a huge part of my life and he's just missing from it now. There are times I miss having him around. Outside of the problems we had, we were good friends. I mean all of that is hindered now because of the things he did. I question a lot of it and if it was real, but there was a lot of laughter and great memories we shared together and as a family with the children. I guess I just miss having a companion in my life and he was that person. Four months later and I still think of him everyday.

 

To add, I received another message from him on Sunday night. The message read, "do you think you could help me with this tablet being locked situation? It's registered to your email address and I need the password." I didn't respond. He gave me that tablet as a gift and when I left, I left it behind. I no longer need or want it, but it does have personal info on it and it is linked to my email. All emails sync on that tablet. I didn't respond until yesterday. I decided I'd help him reset it remotely by sending a code and that way he could unlock it. I'd ask him to remove my personal info or wipe the entire device. I unblocked his number and sent a text the following day saying...what password? Send the reset code. A couple minutes go by and I get a really mean response.."Forget it. I did some sh** and bypassed it all. You're a day late and a dollar short. Thanks though." I literally laughed out loud. I forced myself not to respond with a smart remark. This is how you know I'm not completely over it. He got under my skin. I left it as is and never responded.

 

I don't really know why, but he seems so bitter and angry. A good guess would be because he's unhappy that things aren't going his way when it comes to the situation with us. He may feel rejected. It's quite ok though. He doesn't have to like me. We are no longer apart of each others lives. I brushed off the whole incident. I shouldn't have responded to begin with. To be honest, I'm not sure he actually needed my help to reset anything on that tablet. He figured it out on his own.

 

Im not even angry with him anymore. Just really disappointed. I saw that message and it reminded me why he doesn't deserve to be in my life. I know that I'm just feeling a void in my life from where he used to be and eventually I'll find someone new. Just have to keep my head on straight and keep going, keep moving forward.

 

I'm having a bit of anxiety because of this storm. I'm worried about our businesses. Will we need to evacuate? I love Florida, but living here means dealing with hurricanes. This week is going to be strange. I'll have to focus a lot of self care and mindfulness in order to combat the anxiety and stress of this storm. As I type, I'm seeing where my priority is. It's no longer him.

[Ksol9]

I couldn't wait to get home so I could change into something comfortable. Today was so hectic. Everyone is panicking because of the approaching storm. Shelves are empty. People are waiting in lines outside of stores. Long lines at gas stations. My anxiety is rising. I've lived in Florida most of my life and hurricanes are nothing new to me. Never in all of my years of living here have I ever been as concerned as I am right at this moment. We still don't have any definite news on the track of the storm, so we are sitting tight watching the news before making any plans to evacuate. I'm worried about waiting for the last minute. There is just a really weird vibe in the air and not to mention the look on everyone's faces. You watch the news and see things that are happening in Houston. Never do you think about going through something like that. It's just scary. I feel like I am just sitting here waiting for catastrophe. On top of it all, I am worried about our businesses and structural damage. I am hoping by tomorrow we will get some more detailed information about the track of the storm. That way officials will be able to better advise on evacuations.

 

Just a weird feeling today. I'm going to try to get to bed early tonight. I was up so early and I'm sure tomorrow will be another crazy day. I wish I could just pick up everything and everyone I love and get far away from here, but it's only wise to make preparations and act as soon as they release some more information.

[boltnrun]

Wishing for the best for you and your family. May you all be safe.

[Ksol9]

Thanks bolt.

 

Another hectic day. Can't find a single sheet of plyboard anywhere. We checked neighboring cities and they are completely out as well. It's just so stressful. Our home has hurricane proof windows, but our businesses don't have it and will need to be boarded up. Other than that, we are ok with food and items needed to get through the storm. Hopefully the storm will continue to take a turn to the east, so that they eye will be further away from us. Everything is just pretty much up in the air. We don't know the exact track, but either way we are getting some impact of that storm. We have to prepare regardless. Not to mention that gas stations are also out of gas. I was able to find a station that had gas this morning. I filled the car up and now I can say I'm pretty much all set. As ready as I'll ever be.

 

I really don't think there is ever a way to fully prepare for these kinds of things. I sat in my car outside of one of our businesses today. I watched people walk in and out. I thought to myself, everyone looks like they have a million things to do. Then I said to myself, if we have to endure losses, let it be material and not of human life. We are most likely going to stay and ride out the storm in our home. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling. Im not panicking and I'm not scared. Just feel a little strange. Not sure what we are in store for, but I am hoping and praying for the safety of everyone here in Florida...and others who are affected by the storm.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey there Ksol,

 

I am watching from New York as the storm approaches Florida. They say you guys are getting hit with right now. Please come in if you can and update us on how you are doing. Really worried for you, because you should have gotten out.

 

I pray for you and your family right now.

[MrFisterZA]

Try keep your mind busy - NC is the hardest step but the most rewarding. It can be done if you keep busy and stay positive. So hard to hear in this situation.

[Clarisse]

Praying for your safety.

[Ksol9]

I'm ok. We are safe and sound.

 

I write this with an extremely grateful heart....

 

We decided not to evacuate thinking the storm would head up the opposite coast of Florida. The storm ended up taking a whole different turn and went up the west coast. The eye hit us directly head on and we were told to prepare for storm surges over 10-12ft. Hurricane irma hit us with winds at 131mph. I have never in all my years seen something like I did earlier today. Thankfully, my parents built this home to withstand the worst of the worst storms. Hurricane proof windows and an extremely solid frame. We brought all of our valuables and food upstairs and stayed upstairs the entire time. It was terrifying. We are out of power, but we are all ok.

 

When the winds died down, Dad took a quick swing by our businesses and they are all in tact. Tomorrow I will be able to better see damages of other neighborhoods and others who are in need of help. We plan to get out there to help anyone who needs a hand. Our town will rebuild after something like this. There are still some strong wind gusts, but nothing compared to what we went through today.

 

Thanking God for his mercy today. This was a terrifying experience, but a humbling one. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. We spent the week preparing our homes and businesses for this storm. Emotionally it has been draining. Time to get some rest, so we can get out there and start clean up tomorrow. Can't wait to get back to some normalcy.

[Clarisse]

How utterly terrifying. So glad you're ok.

[Ksol9]

Update...

 

We have been without power for 7 days now. Generators were not available anywhere until today. Luckily a neighbor got their power restored a few days ago and allowed us to run extension cords from their outlets. We have fans in every room and will hopefully purchase a generator today. We have been working non stop at our businesses to get them back up and running, dealing with insurance companies, this heat, weakness, stress. Other than that...I'm hanging in there.

 

Tomorrow my nephew will be having a little procedure done. He has a tongue tie so they will be doing a little snip to remedy. I've decided to stay with them for a few days so they can go to work and he can be at home with me while he heals. I'm excited to away to get in the ac, but that also means I'm putting a lot of work aside. Things are just really hectic. I am trying to remain mindful. I haven't done any exercise since before the storm. Just too exhausted and hot to do anything. I haven't even been able to see my counselor. Im really hoping as each day passes, the community and our lives get back to some sort of normalcy. Literally looks like a war zone around here. Trees everywhere, homes damaged, people without power.

 

Crazy how without electricity our lives are just upside down. I barely even know what day it is. This heat is Taking a toll on me. This too shall pass..