Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Bolt, you’re spot on. This behavior he displays every time he pops up is so ridiculous that I feel it is what helps me move on faster. It’s a cycle. He’ll attempt to manipulate, get angry, and then pretend like nothing happened. Healthy people do not behave this way! (That exact statement, one of you said to me many monhs ago.) I can’t stress how true it is. I still wonder if people in general just act this way with exs, but something is just off about this guy. Something seems terribly wrong and I have learned to trust my intuition. Trust that feeling deep down inside. There was always some level of manipulation and control going on in that relationship that I refused to see. I was in denial for so long that I lived in a state of confusion. It all came to light when I finally started digging deep, deep down inside of me.

 

Sweetgirl288, yes the tables have definitely turned. Amazing how that works. Thinking back, I was never in a position where I would be able to laugh at anything he did. I took everything he did so personally. He hurt me so badly. This journal is filled with so much pain. Now, I find his behavior offensive, but not offensive enough to provoke anger. Instead Im almost embarrassed for him. I pity him and I move on from it as quickly as he comes and goes.

 

My nephew is in town. We’re all set for the party tomorrow. Real love, real family, real emotions, true love, laughter, joy...that’s what life is all about.

[UnchainedSoul]

Hey Ksol!

 

Wow I am so HAPPY you finally posted! You know I always check back here to see if you wrote anything new, (I am not a creepy stalker I swear!), but I was always fascinated by your story and journey!! I am SOOOO HAPPY you have come to a place where you recognize his toxic behavior, and all the same tactics that he used to pull, and now you relish in the fact that you have overcome all that and can now just laugh it off and just feel sorry for him. You even blocked his new number right away, WOW!! Like Bolt mentioned, it took a while for you even to do that because "you weren't ready," but it seems now that you are in COMPLETE control of things you can do that without breaking a sweat. What an absolute position of strength you are in!! SO PROUD OF YOU GIRL!!!

 

Anyway, I think the reason people like him use the same tactics over and over again, (the "checking in" small talk crap and POOF gone again), is because WOMEN actually enable them to do this sadly, and they are just used to it because this behavior ALWAYS gets reinforced and they are completely CLUELESS that they are even doing anything wrong. Trust me when I say, that he is probably SO blind and FULL of himself, he has NO IDEA how foolish he looks or that he is even affecting you. When more women like YOU cut the cord with him and put him in his damn place, maybe the "veil of denial" he is in will finally be lifted. Let's hope he doesn't continue this into his 60s cause that's just damn pathetic!!! Haha! Well, not that you care anyway, but whatever, that's his life, let him bury himself in a cloud of ridiculousness and endless, toxic, circular behavior!

 

As far as your empty feeling goes, (or something is missing), I want to address that because I recognize the same thing in me when I took my power back. In this "blissful, peaceful and self-aware" state you are in, you STILL ultimately want to have a relationship with someone (emotionally healthy one of course), and you want to start a family and live your life with someone. It's OKAY to feel that way Ksol, truly, but don't start the "wheel-spinning" in your head of the "what if I end up alone," and "what if I never find love again," cycle. It's HARD not to, I know honey, but the fact is that you are doing the ABSOLUTE best you can do for yourself right now, and the focus should be on your amazing family, career and your exercising. I know you know that already, I just wanted to reinforce that sentiment and help get that little gloomy-rainy cloud that is lingering over your head out of the way!!

 

I wish you all the best truly, and I hope you aren't weirded out, but I am going to send you a PM. I think I better take this opportunity before you disappear for another three months!! (That's not a bad thing, you were in a place of REAL pain and suffering when you were writing on here, so I can understand why you don't like to come back and revisit all this crap).

 

Take care, and look out for my message!!

[Ksol9]

Came down with the worst case of stomach flu I’ve ever had in my life. It was pure torture. My nephew had it and seemed to have passed it on to his mom, my mom, and myself. I got the worst symptoms out of everyone. Horrific vomiting for over 24 hours. I’m still not able to eat. No appetite and I’m losing weight. :(( As many of you know, I’m a small girl. After getting out of that unhealthy relationship, I was determined to gain weight. I was 94 lbs when I left him. I had gained 14lbs since. I’ve lost some good weight since this horrible flu. I haven’t been able to eat anything since Saturday. :(

 

I’m just feeling all kinds of sad today. Sad about everything, not just my current situation. I know now, when my spirits are low, before I jump to any conclusions, I need to have a few basic things in order. Food and sleep. Didn’t have much of either. I plan on taking some medicine and going to bed very soon. I just wanted to vent. Thank you for your time to whoever is reading. My sulking probably isn’t very entertaining.

 

Unchained, thank you for writing. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you. You understand me well and I appreciate that more than you know. Ena has always been a place of refuge and comfort for me. All of the things you mentioned are accurate. For so long, I was in denial. I refused to see the toxicity of this man and to be blatantly honest, there are times I still question myself. I just “wasn’t ready”. I’ve set some very clear boundaries now. I don’t want a single soul near me or my family who isn’t good for me. He clearly isn’t good for me.

 

I absolutely agree with you that women enable his popping in. It is quite ridiculous behavior and sadly, I was one of those women once upon a time. I’ve always said, I taught him how to treat me. I’d go running the minute I got a text from him. Ugh how pathetic of me. I’m worth so much more than that. I actually feel sorry for myself. That I put myself through that.i had to forgive myself for subjecting myself to that kind of disrespect. Anyhow, he is ridiculous and pathetic. I see no sign of change and the more time that goes by, there is no question I made the best decision for myself. It was life changing!

 

This is the first time in my adult life that I’ve truly been single. While it’s refreshing, as I mentioned before, ultimately I want companionship, someone to build a life with. My question for you Unchained, as you said, I’ve taken my power back and I’ve shut myself off from everything and pretty much everyone, how do I know if that essentially is a good decision in my journey? What if I get stuck here? You know I’m known for getting stuck? Ok I’m rambling. I am feeling down today and I may be burying my head a bit since I’m feeling so ill. Just thoughts that have been going through my mind lately. Change requires consistency. I understand consistency can become tiring, especially when the results are not immediate. I don’t always see the bigger picture and “wheel-spinning” can be so easy to do. Maybe I need to get some rest. My thoughts are all over the place.

 

Side note: Imagine people in third world countries where food and water are not readily available. I literally felt like I was dying when I was having symptoms of this stomach flu. I was dehydrated, headache, fever. I really should be grateful. There are others who have it so much worse.

 

Just a thought...have a great night.

[Ksol9]

Good Morning Everyone!

 

Feeling a whole lot better. Stomach bugs are the worst! I was finally able to eat a full meal yesterday. Today I’m going to resume my regular eating. Not sure if I should get back to exercise just yet since I haven’t been able to fully replenish my body. I’ve never been a patient person. I just couldn’t wait to start feeling better. Your health really is wealth. Since self care has become one of my top priorities, getting sick really upset me...in more ways than one. Lol. Okay, enough of that.

 

My counselor just ran across my mind. I haven’t heard from him in so long. If you remember, he had to go out of state to take care of a few things. I spoke to him a few times via phone session and then nothing. I really hope he’s ok. Boy, was he a huge help to me as well. I never thought counseling would change my life. How it all happened, just my whole story...it’s just something to reflect on sometimes. I knew deep down inside something wasn’t right. Something never felt right and I went digging. I started digging until I found myself! One of the first things my counselor told me was to listen to my instincts and to trust it. It was something I needed to work on. I could go on, but I’ll probably be late for work. I’m really grateful for this journey and for all who helped me through...all who are still guiding me.

 

Have a great day everyone!

[Ksol9]

Happy Sunday!

 

Ive been thinking a lot lately. Maybe even putting a lot of unneeded pressure on myself. It’s approaching one year since I left him. One year since I dove head first into my self discovery. I needed this. Solitude was the best medicine. I can tell you exactly how I want to live my life and how I don’t. Those kinds of answers I didn’t have before. In fact, I was walking blindly, aimlessly. I’ve made a lot of progress internally, but I moved back in with my parents and I haven’t achieved much as far as establishing myself independently. My real estate course, I haven’t finished. I’m working on it, but not as much as I’d like. That I can change. I can’t get myself in gear and finish what I started there, but when is enough, enough? When is it time to come out of hiding and get myself out there?

 

I feel safe. I’m comfortable and I know I can’t stay like this forever. I’ve completely cut myself off from any idea of a new relationship. Friends? Once or twice every couple of months, I head out of town for some fun. In fact, I went of out town for the weekend for a concert. I had a blast. Life is good, but what if I’m stuck again? I had a good solid year of self care. Is it time to get back out there? Not just new love. My career? I am putting all my energy into our family businesses, self care, and feeding myself positive talk daily. Maybe I’m just being hard on myself. I knew this thing would take patience. I think I’m just ready to do something more for myself.

[figureitout23]

I think you should change your number. I think his contacting you has the chance of putting you right where you were before the girlfriend discovery. Hes blocked but deep down you know there's that chance he will contact you again with another phantom number, and no judgment, but you do entertain it, even briefly. I dont know, I think this is a slippery slope. I think its been discussed here before how these back and forth relationships can be hard to get over because that door never truly fully closes, I think the only way to truly move forward is to stop all contact, even if that means threatening to report his contact as harassment. I think its abundantly clear now, he has nothing good to say.

[Ksol9]

I agree with you. Funny you wrote this post because shortly after I last heard from him, I remember thinking to myself, “this has to stop.” I just don’t want him in my life at all...in no way shape or form. Meaning I needed to stop him from using those apps or some other means of contacting me. It’s been a year, one whole year, and he has been dancing around, popping up with nothing good to say. I don’t have any toxic or bad people in my life, why in the world would I allow him to continue to do what he has been doing? I didn’t think much about the last time he contacted and I felt like it was so long ago, but I realized the last contact was made 3 weeks ago. I haven’t stopped to really take a look at how frequently he has been attempting to contact. I really think I’m at a point where I can make sure this is handled for good. He makes me sick. His ridiculous behavior is nauseating.

[boltnrun]

Hello ksol,

 

I thought you already blocked him back in March. This is from your previous post.

 

"I blocked the number and continued on with my life."

 

I'm sure you no longer wish to feel sick.

 

Is there still some small part of you that wishes he'll acknowledge what he's done, apologize, and you two can start over?

 

Personally, I'm sure you can do much better. And anyway, wouldn't your parents be furious? LOL

[figureitout23]

Bolt, I think he's using one of those apps that allow you to contact a person via a different phone number, essentially bypassing the block.

[boltnrun]

Bolt, I think he's using one of those apps that allow you to contact a person via a different phone number, essentially bypassing the block.

 

If that the case, then the dude really doesn't know when to give up.

 

I'd like to tell him...hey, she doesn't want to talk to you, Bozo! Get a clue!

[Ksol9]

Hi bolt! Nice to hear from you.

 

Yes, his number is still blocked. He has been using some sort of app get through with a different number. At first I thought it was a friend’s phone, but I pretty much know their phone numbers (the few friends/coworkers he has). I blocked that number after the first time, but then he contacted again with another number, then again with another. Each time I blocked. I could almost bet my life that he’s playing a back and forth game with the girlfriend, going to massage parlors, giving her silent treatments, etc. in between all of that, he’s contacting me and whoever else. I don’t know this for sure, but his past behavior has taught me this is how he operates. If he comes around here again, I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell him off. His games are pathetic.

[Ksol9]

So crazy that the last time I came here to write, it was a few days after that he popped up again. What am I talking about? I’m not surprised.

 

I was not sure who it was. The text came from another strange number. I was in the shower when the first one came in. As I was drying off, another text. When I finally opened them, he wrote saying he had a dream about me. I walked into the room and he dropped everything and ran over to me and hugged me. He said it felt like an eternity. ughh spare me. I’m literally rolling my eyes. I knew it was him at that point. He also mentioned he saw me walking to my car at my office. Another indication it was him. I was angry. It’s been a whole year. He knows where I work, he knows my number. Why hasn’t he ever made the effort to talk to me in my face about everything?! No real effort has ever been made to save or change or anything. If he was ever genuine, if he ever had good intentions, it wouldn’t look like this. This was all boiling up in that moment.

 

I wasn’t scrambling for words. I was just thinking if I should say anything or not. If it would benefit me or not. I did finally respond and I told him that I was going to put all this to an end, that I was going to stop him from doing this. Before I could finish typing, (here’s where it got weird) he sent a series of messages saying he found consciousness and is now responsible, that he was selfish and only thought about himself...and how it relates to our situation. The texts kept coming. In between he asked if we could go out to dinner “please”. Then he says all He thought about was myself. I promise you won’t be wasting your time if go out to dinner and spend some time with me. Then another, ksol you’re a bunch of games! I’m apprehensive about talking to you! I would like to think that I'm living the right path that the Lord had created for me but I'm very crucial of myself so I just know that when I go to bed I know and I may think that I've done the right thing. Those were his exact words.

 

Whattt? That was it..I couldnt take it anymore. He sounded like a total weirdo. He was literally trying to convince me with that mess. As if I was going to believe he was a well put together, goal oriented, good church going guy?? He can’t be serious. I interrupted the texting. I said to him...this has to stop. If you text or call again, I’m going to report this to the police. I want nothing to do with the circus show you’ve been running. You have never once came to speak to me like a respectable adult. That speaks volumes. Everything you are saying speaks volumes. Youre not fooling anyone, you have taken zero time for introspection. I don’t care what you do with yAour life, I wish you well. If you contact me again, I’m going to call the police and report you for harassing me!

 

That was it. He never responded and I never heard from him after that. I’ve never spoken to him that way before. I’ve always been sort of nonchalant. I did always entertain him in some way. This has been gong on for a year now. It really has to stop. Out of curiosity, a few days later I was having lunch with my mom. I was using her phone and decided to go on Facebook. I still have not re-activated any of my social media accounts. Have never looked at his page or the woman he met a few months ago. I searched her name and looked at her page. There were numerous posts before the date he contacted me. She posted about toxic relationships and how she is not chasing anymore. Memes about being hurt by a man. Those posts went on starting in March. Go figure. Her most recent post was a few days after he contacted me. there was a picture of her and her friends having dinner. At the other end of the table, there he sat. Strange placement I thought. Anyhow, I handed the phone back to my mom. I was looking for confirmation I guess. I’m not wrong about him. He’s running a circus show. I can guess he gave her a silent treatment for a couple months. Tormenting her, back and forth emotional games, toxic...just toxic. I won’t allow that in my life anymore. He’s gone but I allowed him the opportunity to pop in when he pleased. Not anymore. I don’t want him in my life in any way shape or form. This is just ridiculous to me and the way he sounded was somewhat deranged.

 

I have to get ready for work, but I just wanted to share. I can’t allow this anymore. He makes me sick. I’ve placed a block on my phone that will only let saved contacts through. If he gets through that, I’m reporting him. It will affect my business calls, but at this point I don’t care. Eventually I’ll remove the block and most of my business calls are outgoing anyway. For now, I’m ok with this. I’ve doubted myself a few times, even wondering if he’s right about me building this illusion about him. Either way, it’s not in my best interest to allow him anywhere near me. He has never said anything to me that is worth listening to.

 

 

Hope you all are doing well. Have a good one!

[boltnrun]

Ksol, you absolutely did the right thing.

 

He's telling you lies because he thinks you're still the same person you were a year ago, when he could tell you anything and you'd go running back. He doesn't realize you've changed. And it's hilarious that he went back to that other woman after you rejected him. He obviously has her on the back burner (front burner now) which proves he has not changed one bit.

 

But it's not about what he does or does not realize or do. YOU know he hasn't changed. If you went to that dinner you'd end up at his place, staying overnight, then a few days later you'd be moved back in, being forced to police him and going through his things. Remember how awful it was living like that?

 

So, you absolutely did the right thing.

[Ksol9]

You said it right. He has NOT changed. At this point in his life, after everything he has gone through, his divorce, his childhood, past relationships, everything, if he hasn’t taken some time for introspection, he has no intentions of changing or bettering his life. Hurt people, hurt others. He is going to continue hurting the women he has relationships with until he heals himself. He wants to live this way. He’s not going to change and will not change. Not anytime soon.

 

You along with others on this forum have said to me many times, if I do not stop him from entering my life in any way, I run the risk of ending up right where I started. Do I remember how I awful it was to live like that? I remember often how paralyzing it was to live in that environment. I was never going to break that pattern until I took a good look at myself and examined why I chose to be with a man like that. I’m never going back. I can’t see myself ever sitting with him face to face anywhere because I know what he’s all about and I don’t think very highly of him. I’m saying that nicely.

 

I’ve come too far and have worked too hard to ever go down that road again. He’s had enough time if I was ever hoping for anything. I’ve outgrown him for sure and I feel it’s time for me to stop him from even having the option of contacting me. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced something like this from a man. I don’t think I’ve ever declined a dinner invitation from the same man so many times in my entire life. Many have told me I was going to be the one to put this to a stop. I understand that statement now. Enough about him.

 

 

I’ve been working on some new projects at work. That has been keeping me extremely busy. I have full control over my life and I like it this way. I do a very good job of protecting my peace. I have a lot of guards up about that. I’m still set on not dating or anything like that for now. Self work is still a main focus of mine. I’ve been thinking about my counselor every so often. I never heard from him again. Not sure if he is still out of state or if he’s back now. I’ve thought about contacting hiim. Just to check in and see what he thinks about my progress, but I’ve decided to wait. There is something I’d like to accomplish first.

 

Life is never going to be without burdens or challenges. I learned that its so much more fulfilling to continuously challenge yourself to grow and change. Your peace and happiness should be protected to the highest degree and that your physical and mental health is wealth. Who would have thought that the woman I was a year ago, that frail, dependent, and confused woman would turn into this person I am today? I think I’ve gained a lot of wisdom and I say that in the most humble way. I surprise myself sometimes. It took me a long time to realize what was so clear as day to others.

 

This weekend is for relaxing, nail salon, and naps. Hope you all have a good one!

[Ksol9]

I said to myself I would come back here to share the news when I got my real estate license. I finally accomplished that one little goal I set for myself. I passed the test!

 

As I drove back home from the testing center, I kept looking over to the passenger seat where I laid my exam results on the seat. I haven’t taken an exam in years. The last exam I think I took was in graduate school when I took the MCAT. I’m not as rusty as I thought.

 

A year ago I set out to transform myself and change the direction of my life. The biggest heartbreak I have ever experienced sent me searching. At first it was a panick to figure out a way to save “us”. It wasnt long before I realized, the one needing saving was myself. This took me longer than expected, but accomplishing this goal means a lot to me. I set a few other goals since last year. I had achieved all of the short term ones. This one was the last on the list. I feel accomplished....and relieved. It’s time for a new list.

[boltnrun]

Congratulations! That is great news.

[reinventmyself]

I followed your journey.

Congratulations and it's exciting to see how far you've come!

[SparklyBoots]

This is amazing. You should be so damn proud of yourself! You have come so far and grown so much in this time...you are truely inspirational x

[Ksol9]

Thank you, thank you!

 

It took a couple days to get my actual license. I’m all registered and ready to start making some money. A family member has an investment property to sell and also wants to purchase another. That will be my first project. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t really had the time to research what I need to do from this point forward. All I know is I have my license in my hand and I need to find a good broker to mentor me.

 

Work has me pretty stressed and tired these days. I’m taking a week off and will use it to rest and recharge. I haven’t had a break in months, so this is long overdue. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how far I’ve come. The farther away I get from everything I went through in that unhealthy relationship, I realize just how unhealthy I was. Time really has been key.

 

My sister says I should just dive in and just get started. I’ve learned to be a little more calculated. Going to do some research before deciding on a brokerage.

 

Thank you for following my journey. The beginning was very rough for me and rightfully so. Nothing good comes easy. I still play tug of war with myself. I’m going to keep fighting my way to a healthier lifestyle and better me.

 

Hope you all are well!

[Ksol9]

I feel like I’ve been going at a rate of 100 mph lately. I got home around 5pm from the office today and just crashed. I fell into a deep sleep. I slept for about 3 hours. Not sure if I’m going to be able to go to sleep tonight. I’d like to take Dad out for breakfast tomorrow. He’s been working quite a bit too, so I have a feeling he would like to sleep in tomorrow. We bought him a really nice watch for father’s days. I’m excited to give it to him. Later in the day, Mom and I are leaving to visit my sister for 1 whole week. I’ve become such a homebody that Id rather lock myself in my house for a whole week, but knowing me, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from work. This break is going to be good for me. I can feel myself reaching my threshold. I really need a break.

 

Ive been doing a good job of blocking out negativity these days. I try my best not to even talk about it anymore, but I find myself just wanting to vent. Maybe venting it will allow me to just let it go and keep it moving. It hasn’t served me in a healthy way to keep things inside. This very site was a huge part of my healing. In addition to attending therapy sessions, writing alone was therapeutic. I’ve written so much about him on here it’s pitiful. I almost feel wrong including him in my posts anymore. A few days prior to my state exam, I got a text from him. It was from an unrecognizable number. I hadn’t heard from him in over a month. In fact it felt like much longer than that. The text read, “Hi, it’s me. Please respond.” I knew it was him. I haven’t let anyone new in my life, who else could it be?. I deleted it and submerged myself back into studying. I don’t know how, but I didn’t even think twice about it. Haven’t thought about it until tonight. I was so focused on my exam that I didn’t want him or anyone else to deter me from what I wanted to accomplish.

 

I don’t feel sorry for myself, but I don’t know what it is. He just hurt me so deeply by the way he conducted himself in the relationship, the entire relationship, that when I hear from him, it strikes a nerve still. Still, to this day. I think what bothers me or hurts me is that even after all this time, he has never once found it in himself to have a real conversation with me. It’s been a year of these little pops ins to see if I’m looking for a good time. (I’m rolling my eyes.) it’s hurtful. As disgusted and angry at him that I am, I think deep down inside I’m still hurt by it all. Deep down inside it’s not resolved. Truthfully, I think that is what my issue is when it comes to him. I haven’t found a way to resolve it or make amends (with myself) completely. I’m working on it, but it’s just so darn hard. If I was healed completely, I think I wouldn’t care, I’d be indifferent. I don’t know. I’m not in pain over him anymore. Just my thoughts on the matter.

 

Haven’t picked up a book to read for leisure in a while. Think I’m going to read until I fall asleep.

[Ksol9]

My nephew is the cutest! I’m spending a week with my sister and her family. I haven’t seen him since March, which was when he turned 1. He has grown quite a bit. He’s running and attempting to talk. When I last saw him he wasn’t too sturdy on his feet. He was just learning to walk. It’s amazing how quickly they develop. It’s true when people say the early years go by so fast and to savor them when they are small. He gave me the best hug when I got here.. He’s just the sweetest.

 

The only downside is getting up at 5am. My sister has to get up for work at that time. The baby is up by 6. Her husband is training this week for a new teaching job. My mom and I will be at home with the baby. Although I don’t have to be up and out of bed, I’m a light sleeper and I dont fall back to sleep easily. Pretty much the reason I’m babbling on here. Hope I’m not boring anyone.

 

I plan to research brokers in my area so maybe by next week I’ll have some interviews set up. Other than that, I’m taking a break from working on anything else.

[boltnrun]

Just keep in mind some brokers require you to attend "training" or "continuing education" classes and seminars at your own expense.

 

My friend was super excited about signing on with one of the best known, largest brokerages in the US. Then she found out she had to attend training seminars once a month. In just a few months she dropped $5,000 on these mandatory classes.

 

Sometimes a smaller brokerage with a good local reputation is a better way to go.

 

She also (for some strange reason) expected she'd be working regular 8-5 hours. She was appalled and indignant that people were contacting her to view properties after regular hours and on weekends. She called me, all irate, saying "don't those people understand that time is reserved for my family???!!!" I tried to explain that people who have the money to buy a home usually have jobs, which means the only time they have to view homes is evenings and weekends. She didn't see my point lol. She ended up quitting the industry after she signed on with a different brokerage but couldn't meet the one sale per month quota.

 

Anyway...I'm sure you've thought of all this and are well prepared. I hope it's something you really enjoy. Another friend of mine is an agent part-time and she does pretty well and enjoys it. I think if you love people and showing homes you will do well. Good luck :)

[Ksol9]

Hi bolt! Nice hearing from you. Hope you are doing well.

 

One of the reasons I chose to get my license is because of my flexible schedule. I have a few friends who work in the industry and they too have said the same things. Long and odd hours. Most people look at homes on the weekends. I know it’s not easy and it’s very competitive. I’m not committed to anything other than my work right now, so I’m willing to put in some extra effort. I also agree that it may be better to go with a smaller independent brokerage. I’ve been doing quite a bit of research in terms of choosing a broker.

 

I think it’s moreso important that I put my all into whatever it is that I choose to do at this point in my life. After all that I’ve been through, I think it’s time I put my all into our family businesses, my new endeavor, and my family rather than wasting my energy on a relationship that drains me and dulls my shine. It’s all apart of the process, the process I set out on about a year ago. All of this work has to pay off. It just has to.

[boltnrun]

I think that's great. I hope you find great personal satisfaction in all your endeavors.

[Ksol9]

Work is eating me alive. Running a family business has it’s advantages, but it also comes with a ton of stress. Right now, I feel very overwhelmed.

 

I got back from out of town on Sunday. I tried to rest as much as I could when I got back from our trip. Monday rolled around and when I walked into my dad’s office, a woman who is a realtor and who has done some business with my dad was sitting in his office. She begins by telling us she has been trying get a hold of my dad for a few weeks. That she wanted to talk to him about a few commercial real estate deals. I’ve known her most of my life. She admires my father very much and never fails to tell me to always listen to him because he is very wise. I already know these things of course. Anyhow, he explains that I got my license and she offers to mentor me. She gives me some sound advice on what to do next and gives me her card. She said she will set me up with her broker so I can get registered with him. I consider that an open door. I’ve learned that when things align, to take the hint. When one door opens, walk through it. I needed to sleep on it and I’ve pretty much decided I’m going to pursue her advice. I plan to call her within the next few days as soon as I get things under control with the businesses.

 

This morning we had an employee walk out on us. He has some personal issues going on and it translated into unhappiness with work. He just didn’t show up and decided he wouldn’t be returning. We’re already short on employees. This means extra work and stress on my parents and I. I immediately put out an ad to recruit a new person. I know it doesn’t happen overnight, but I hope I find someone soon.

 

Furthermore, I received a text from him. He sent a text saying, “The kids are here and they would like to see you. If you're okay with that let me know.” I didn’t respond until the following day, which was yesterday. I asked how long they would be in town and he responded saying til the end of July. I didn’t say anything after thatand he left it at that. That was a little awkward and strange. I get the feeling he is trying to see if I make an effort to see them. It’s not that I don’t care about the kids, but I’m just numb and they’re really not my business anymore (I hope I don’t sound mean or insensitive because they truly are wonderful children).. I’m pretty sure he is back with the same girl he was with. I don’t know for sure as I haven’t see him, heard anything, nor have I gone on any social media outlets. I’m just assuming. What is a man who is in a relationship calling his ex to see his kids? I don’t think that text was genuine at all. He was just checking the temperature. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Maybe the kids really did ask if they could visit me and he sent out the text? I guess I’m just conditioned to be skeptical of him. I think I just wanted to acknowledge the text, so I wouldn’t feel like a cold hearted person. I wouldn’t actually make an effort to see the children. I hope and pray for their happiness from far away, that’s alll. I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to be apart of their lives at one point in time, but I’ve moved on and I’ve grown from that experience.

 

“Make amends and then move forward.” A quote I heard on a video I saw on YouTube. It really resonated with me. It’s really what I hope to accomplish concerning the situation with my past. Making amends doesn’t mean him and I ever need to talk or see eachother for closure. It’s moreso internal for me. Just going to leave things as they are.

 

I have so many things going on in my mind. Work being at the top. Hope I find a solution soon. Everyday can’t be a good day. Tomorrow is going to be better.

 

Sorry for the rant.