Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Thank you for saying that the feelings will eventually catch up to my guy. I really do hope so. It's very hard to feel replaced and forgotten. I feel sure that if he hadn't found someone else so quickly, he wouldn't have give up on us so entirely. That's just how he is. I keep looking and looking at hers and his pages (so unhealthy, I know) and I can't tell if they're together now or not. Something happened a week or two ago and they split up, but I can't tell if they've gotten back together. They deleted each other on facebook at the time, and haven't readded each other. So who knows. I drive myself nuts with it. At least yours isn't with someone else. He has the space, and the void where you used to be, to be thinking things over. He may try to avoid it, but it creeps into mind, no doubt!

 

I agree with everything you were saying about how infidelity can be overcome. But I feel like it takes a certain emotional maturity to be able to get past that. You definitely have the maturity... Does he? Does he have the communication skills? I think that with counseling, he could. I get the feeling that what's holding him back from contacting you is that he just doesn't even begin to know how to fix this. He knows he screwed up big time. He knows that you're rightfully upset. I fully agree with you that a man shouldn't let something go so easily, but I don't know if he has the know-how to pursue reconciliation at the moment. Which really sucks. But I would think that it's more that than that he just doesn't care. Surely he cares, after what you two had together. As for feeling guilty... it may be that at this point he's just sorry he got caught. That goes back to emotional maturity; does he really possess the empathy required to know that what he did was wrong and hurtful, or does he think it's no big deal? It's hard to know what's in someone else's head, but you know him better than I do. I just get the feeling that he's somewhat immature and avoidant.

 

"He hasn't even shown he wants to try to salvage the relationship."

 

Just more food for thought. I hope this post makes sense... there's a lot of background noise while I'm typing this, so I keep getting distracted from what I'm trying to say. I'll find a quieter place next time!

[Ksol9]

Just as I was having a rough day, it got worse. I received a very sweet message from his son. He said..we love you and miss you very much! We are having lots of fun in our new school and we are meeting lots of new friends. followed by lots of smiley faces.

 

Nice to hear from his son, but it pushed me over the edge. I've been in crying since. I'm tired of this already. Why is this happening? How could he allow this to happen and then not do a thing about it?? That just says he doesn't care to me. He doesn't care.

 

I'm just at a loss for words. I know it has only been two weeks since I left. It's quite normal to hear from the children. I expected that. What I didn't expect was to hear from him asking about the bus stop time. They haven't received any responses from me, so I'm assuming it will all stop soon. Eventually there will be no reason for contact on either end. That is exactly what happened last time. This is killing me slowly and I'm just over it.

[lostlove76]

I'm so sorry you're going through this

 

Do you think maybe he urged his son to text you, or do you think the son did it all on his own?

[lostlove76]

Just wondering if he's indirectly making contact through his son. Maybe his son asked about you, so he said hey you should send her a text. I guess it's best not to read into it, or it will drive you crazy. I analyze everything.

[Ksol9]

Just wondering if he's indirectly making contact through his son. Maybe his son asked about you, so he said hey you should send her a text. I guess it's best not to read into it, or it will drive you crazy. I analyze everything.

 

 

I think his son did this on his own, but honestly I'm not sure. I was shocked he sent me a text on Sunday night. That alone was out of character, so who knows. I did respond. I said...that's great! Miss you and love you guys too!

 

Another thing that is strange...we have child monitoring apps set up on the kids' cells phones. I was in charge of that as well. He has not asked me for the password to the account so he can monitor the phones. I can actually sign on and view their locations and monitor text messages ect. He's just avoiding everything. That's why I found it extremely strange that he would text me about a bus stop. Who knows who's idea it was to send the text today.

 

I felt so frustrated that I began to feel like I just wanted them back, but I quickly reminded myself that he was sitting in a hotel room emailing another woman.

 

I just don't understand this at all. I still can't wrap my head around it. It's not like he's some sort of ladies man. He's not charming or flirtatious. He's attractive, but women don't drool over him. He's a homebody. He doesn't care to go out to clubs or bars...not very outgoing in that regard. Just a regular guy..he likes fishing and video games...or so I thought. Especially since he has children, he doesn't care much for women and a social life. I honestly never felt I had a need to worry about him and cheating. It seems like he does this when we have problems, but I am not sure if it was only isolated to during fights. Even if it was during fights...it's still not right.

 

Ok I'm ranting. The text from his son knocked me off my feet, but I think that's it. I don't think I'll be hearing from any of them anymore.

[lostlove76]

It's not like he's some sort of ladies man. He's not charming or flirtatious. He's attractive, but women don't drool over him. He's a homebody. He doesn't care to go out to clubs or bars...not very outgoing in that regard. Just a regular guy..he likes fishing and video games...or so I thought. Especially since he has children, he doesn't care much for women and a social life. I honestly never felt I had a need to worry about him and cheating. It seems like he does this when we have problems, but I am not sure if it was only isolated to during fights. Even if it was during fights...it's still not right.

 

I was actually wondering about this earlier and meant to ask. Mine is a HUGE flirt and charmer. It always made me feel so insecure, knowing he could get any girl he wanted with very little effort. So it's great that yours isn't like that. Maybe he just confined it to emailing and texting? Doesn't make it okay at all, but it's certainly less horrible than actually meeting up with them. If he has abandonment issues, then maybe every time you had fights, he was making sure he had someone on backup. That sounds worse than I mean it, even though it is pretty bad. I guess I wonder if it was like a safety net of sorts, with no intention of ever actually going beyond text/email. The problem is that you really don't know, unless and until you guys talk, and only then if he is willing to be completely honest.

 

Most people would probably tell you to never take him back, block him, move on because you deserve someone better. And you do deserve better. But I know how it is to love someone and want nothing more than for things to be worked out.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if you hear something else from them some time soon. You've heard something twice now in the period of a few days. Last time it was two months of complete silence... or there was something with his daughter, wasn't there, I can't remember what it was. Something about an online order or something. Anyways, I would not be so sure that you won't hear anything more, but it's best to prepare yourself and expect that you won't.

[Ksol9]

Yes, not a charmer at all. He's very different than anyone I had ever dated and I'm very different than anyone he's been with. He's attractive, but him and I are not the same. I'm more outgoing. I like to go out and have a good time. I like to socialize. Maybe it's because I don't have children, but you wouldn't find him in a nightclub. He's not shy but is reserved. He doesn't take initiative. When I met him, he would text me more than call. He was pursuing me, but from a distance and that intrigued me. There was an instant connection with us. I am certain any of the women he was interfering with, was mostly texting. He doesn't converse much on the phone. With that being said, if he was physical with anyone, I do believe it was for casual sex. It was either casual sex or for attention. Insecure. He has also proved to me that I really don't know him. Sick to think I was involved with someone like that, but as you said, I won't know until we talk about, which I'm doubtful will happen. I am inclined to think the worst case scenario.

 

I have dreams every night. Bad dreams about him pursuing other women. I'm in tears. How could he do this to me? He just left me to deal with all of this on my own. He is not suffering like I am. There is no way this is effecting him like it is me.

 

I wish there was an easy way for me to move on with my life. The worst part was leaving and that is over now. No one knows what will happen. I could hear from him tomorrow or I could never hear from him again. you are correct, most people would tell me to stop thinking about him, never think about taking him back, but that is unrealistic. I can't make that decision until I talk to him. I have questions. I want to know why. I want to know what he wants for the future. Maybe his silence are all answers to those questions. Maybe he does not want this relationship. Maybe the reason why is because he does not value being in a committed relationship. Why am I looking for words and promises when his actions spoke for itself?

I feel like I can't take this anymore. I am having nightmares about him. Ifeel horrible without him. I'm tired of feeling like this. You would think it would be easier since I've been through this before, but it's not.

 

Oh and one last thing, you mentioned communication compared to last time. I did not hear from him at all in those 2 months. He never once sent a text like he did this time, but his daughter would use my Amazon account and add things to the cart. You reminded me when I read your response. I went to my Amazon account and there it was...she added 2 items to the cart. A gym backpack and a Spanish-English dictionary. She didn't purchase. Just added it to the cart.

 

Today is going to be a hard day. Thank you lastlove76 for reading and responding to my posts. You have given me tremendous amount of support and I can't thank you enough.

[lostlove76]

You're welcome, ksol

 

As I keep saying, I think the worst part of it all is the silence. You have no idea what he's thinking or how he's feeling, so you assume the worst and decide that he just doesn't care at all. Totally natural to feel that way. He is probably interpreting your silence into worse case scenario, as well (as he should be, because you are fully justified in your reaction). I think maybe men are just so afraid of confrontation and emotions that they sometimes bury their heads in the sand and avoid at all costs. They don't have the emotional tools that we have. Which is annoying - they need to just get over it and do it anyway, I say. But it's always helped me feel a little better to try to understand where they may be coming from, rather than thinking they just don't care at all. I think your guy feels frozen in place and doesn't know what to do. I know that in the past, there have been times that when I felt guilty about something, I would avoid the person. I didn't want to face them being mad and upset with me, and I didn't want to face what I had done. So I just avoided the entire thing. I really think that's what he's doing. Last time it took him two months to face things. So it may take him a while this time as well, but hopefully he will eventually do what needs to be done. I still wonder if his text about the bus was a way of testing the waters to see if you were open to communicating. There's no way to know, but it's a possibility. I'm sure that his ideal situation would be to get you back with minimal confrontation, but too bad, it doesn't work that way.

 

I wonder what he told the kids??

[Ksol9]

I agree with you lostlove76. I agree that he is afraid of confrontation. This I'm sure of. I've always known him to be this type of person...not only with me. He avoids any situation that is associated with any type of stress. I keep thinking today how ridiculous this whole thing is. We are going to spend the next few weeks trying to avoid and forget eachother. We will spend each day thinking about this over and over. I may never hear anything from him ever again and we will move on with our lives or he will come forward and communication will open somehow. It's easy to assume he doesn't care. I also agree with you that he sent me that text Sunday to see if I would initiate conversation with him. I gave no response, so that was probably an indication to him that he should leave me alone. I don't know if he will ever muster up the strength and courage to talk to me. i honestly feel that this is too great of a problem for him to attempt repair, so he will continue the silence until it goes away on its own. I don't see myself ever initiating conversation with him as I have every right to keep my silence. If he stays in that frozen state then I will continue on with the assumption that he didn't care to talk, change, or save our relationship.

 

Im not sure what he told the children. I'm assuming nothing. That's what he has always done. He leaves everyone in the dark. I can't tell you how many times, he would send his daughter to her room and I would come home and ask her if she understood why she was in trouble and she would tell me...I have no idea what I did. He just told me to go to my room.

 

I saw him earlier today. I was heading downtown to a pet shop and as I was approaching the stop light at the intersection, he was putting gas at the station. He saw me. I hoped the light would turn green before he pulled out because I realized he would end up right in front of me. And that's what happened. He looked right at me and I looked away. Sucks to live in a small town. Sucks that we are just passing eachother on the road like complete strangers.

[Ksol9]

I just received another text from him. He said:

 

 

Hi could you please give me the passwords to their computers and iPod and name of the application that's monitoring the phones and the password as well please thank you. I hope everything is well with you

 

 

I don't know what to do. Do I ignore? Do I respond with just the passwords or do I open communication with him?

 

I'd like to talk to him about everything, but I don't know if this is my que to indicate to him that I'm willing to talk. Gosh it sounds like game playing. Im so over this.

[lostlove76]

Sorry that I just saw your post. I had a setback and a change of mood because of something I saw on Facebook regarding the woman he is now probably with. The pain never ends.

 

Did you reply? I'm tempted to tell you to use it to open a dialogue, because I know from experience that the silence just becomes unbearable. But I don't want to steer you wrong in any way, so I'm afraid to offer advice. I guess I would say just do what you feel will bring you the most peace. It's been a couple of hours since you wrote that, though, so I'll wait and see if you did anything.

[Ksol9]

Hi, I haven't responded. Was trying to think it through carefully. I want open communication with him but I don't know what to say. Do you think that the frequent texts that I've been receiving from him are an attempt for him to connect with me or is he just trying to sort things out with the children? I'm not sure what to think. It's been two weeks and I have been wondering why he hasn't done anything about the passwords and monitoring app. I have no problem giving it to him but I'm wondering if I should indicate that I want to talk.

 

I remember when we split up, I had sent him a text similar to this in hopes that it would open dialogue. I asked for something and then said I hope all is well. Funny how the tables have turned, but in reality I don't know if he is trying to open that up with me. He didn't say anything about what happened and I didn't expect him to.

 

I'll wait to hear your thoughts. Still trying to figure out what I should say.

 

And about your guy...is this a new woman??

[lostlove76]

I think it's probably a mixture of both... he does need the passwords, and he also wants to communicate, I think. Do you think you would feel better if you indicate that you want to talk? Just some food for thought here.... I think we (everyone) tend to get caught up in what "should" happen, or what someone "should" say or do, and what is the "right" thing to happen in any given scenario. I know for sure that I do that, to the extreme. I never want to be the one to reach out first, or show vulnerability, or take a risk, or let down my defenses, etc etc. So I will stubbornly hold out until the other person initiates. And sometimes I feel good about it, because I feel it shows the other person that I won't be taken for granted, or whatever the case may be. Buuuuut, sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to just reach out and say what you want to say, or ask for what you want (in this case, a conversation about what happened). You just have to be strong enough to accept it if you don't get the response you were hoping for. But best case scenario, it opens the dialogue, and either starts the path towards reconciliation or gives you some sense of closure in knowing that you at least tried and did all YOU could do. 95% of what you see suggested on these threads is strict NC, and it does have its benefits. But there's got to surely be some gray area in there somewhere.

 

So I still think do what makes you feel best and most at peace. I will tell you that 2+ months of NC with mine has not made me feel ANY better. The only way I can convince myself that maybe it's helped a little is to tell myself "well at least he doesn't think I care anymore, either," and that honestly doesn't help much. My situation is pretty different though, in that there really was no chance to make things work with him. I think you guys at least have some chance. So consider if you want another month and a half of silence if he doesn't decided to step it up, and if that will help you heal, or if trying to talk to him will do more towards helping you heal. At this point, it's all about you and what you want more than what he wants.

 

I'm trying really hard not to steer you one way or the other! Just offering my thoughts off the top of my head.

 

As for my guy, it's the same woman. A couple of weeks ago, it looked like she went back home (where she belongs, to her husband) and that she and my ex had a falling out. They deleted each other off facebook, and haven't added each other back. But then it looked like she maybe went back to his town, although I had about convinced myself up until today that no, she wasn't there. This is all based off social media (ugh). But today I saw a picture of her there, most definitely in his town, in her new job uniform. So it appears she's there to stay. I don't see how she could be there unless she's living with him. This whole time, I've been hanging on to false hopes, hoping he would come back and "change," and it just doesn't seem like that's going to happen. He's moved on, and I need to figure out how to as well. I'm having a really hard time with it.

[lostlove76]

Oh, I meant to ask... Remind me what his response was to this? "I remember when we split up, I had sent him a text similar to this in hopes that it would open dialogue. I asked for something and then said I hope all is well."

[lostlove76]

Sorry for so many posts in a row. I was just rereading what I wrote, and I realized that I contradicted myself when I said "I will tell you that 2+ months of NC with mine has not made me feel ANY better." I know that earlier, I told you that things have gotten a little better, and I think they have, though not entirely. I'm just in a bad place at the moment of writing this, since I just saw what I saw on social media. I guess the most accurate thing to say is that while I'm gradually doing a little better, I still have bad days, and none of what happened actually hurts any less at this point. Just wanted to clear up my contradiction, since I noticed I made one, oops.

[Wiseman2]

Just respond with the info he wants, don't hold stuff regarding his kids hostage. If he wants to open a dialogue he will. But for now this is only a request for information.

Hi could you please give me the passwords to their computers and iPod and name of the application that's monitoring the phones and the password as well please thank you. I hope everything is well with you

[Ksol9]

I feel very confused. Don't understand him at all, but I have some experience under my belt. Maybe he isn't being straightforward in fear of rejection. I feel it deep in my heart, he has been trying to see if I'll communicate. I'm going to let him know that I know he may not know what to say to me after everything that happened. Im going to let him know I'm not angry and I don't hate him and that even though I may not understand why he did the things he did, I am ok and that I hope he is too.

 

That is from the heart. If he has any intention of doing the right thing, he can take it from there and if he doesn't, he won't have anything to say to me after that. Knowing him..he won't respond, but That's all I can find to say. It's the truth and its from my heart. If we are meant to be, he will do the right thing.

 

And you are right about the stigma people feel when someone does something like he did. If this is his way of reaching out to me then I am open to communicating. I would really like to talk to him about everything that happened. Of course I am thinking of reconciliation but that is not possible if he isn't willing to change. What I say May not lead to anything but at least I will feel better knowing I tried...as you said. That makes sense to me.

[Ksol9]

Just respond with the info he wants, don't hold stuff regarding his kids hostage. If he wants to open a dialogue he will. But for now this is only a request for information.

 

 

Thank you for the straightforward answer. Maybe I am reading into this too much and I am getting too ahead of myself. It probably is just a request for information and I shouldn't say anything further.

[Wiseman2]

I would just get this out of the way...if he contacts you again to say thanks or elaborates more then you'll know more.

Thank you for the straightforward answer. Maybe I am reading into this too much and I am getting too ahead of myself. It probably is just a request for information and I shouldn't say anything further.

[Ksol9]

I would just get this out of the way...if he contacts you again to say thanks or elaborates more then you'll know more.

 

I think that makes the most sense. I'll send him the password information and if he responds or contacts again then I can say further.

Thank you.

[lostlove76]

Keep us updated. I know it's confusing and hard to know what to do, because you can't know what he's thinking or what his intentions are for sure, and you can't really predict his response with much accuracy. That's why I say just do what you feel will bring you the most peace.

[Ksol9]

Thank you all for your help.

 

I sent a simple text with the passwords. I am not expecting a response.

 

Lostlove76, when you said do what I feel will bring me the most peace, I felt it was only right to take wiseman2's advice. His actions have caused me a lot of upset. It literally turned my life upside down. I shouldn't be stressing over how to make things right anymore. Now it is his turn to do the stressing if he's even stressing. I think Wiseman2 said something that made me stand up straight. "If he wants to open up dialogue, he will." He cheated and lied, took off for 2 weeks not saying a word to me, pops up asking about bus stops and passwords, it's up to him to come to his senses and if he has come to his senses, he will let me know.

 

I can't thank all of you enough for helping me through this. My emotions have been all over the place and with the lack of sleep, I'm unable to think straight...let alone make good decisions. The way I chose to handle this communication, I feel completely comfortable with it. If he doesn't respond at least I will know it is not because I'm the one who tried to open dialogue.

 

 

Thank you all again.

[lostlove76]

I'm glad wiseman popped in to give some alternative advice, as he is very wise... as his name suggests I'm glad you did what you will feel most at peace with. Let us know how it goes.

[Ksol9]

I remember when we first split in February. I contacted him about something..he ignored my text messages. He didn't give me the same courtesy I gave him. He ignored my message and it was only until we got back together he said he didn't know what to say because it as difficult to keep talking. I was under the impression he didn't care, didn't want anything to do with me, and that he was just an ice cold person. I am certainly not bitter and I'm not angry with him. I'm angry at his actions and I'm still willing. I am thinking because I didn't initiate conversation, he may think I don't care when that is far from the truth. I feel horrible,, but I would have felt worse if I mentioned something about what happened in hopes that he would begin to communicate and he didn't respond. So in that regard, I'm ok. If he truly wants to talk, he will just like he did when he contacted me after 2 months. I keep telling myself it's his turn now to fix this mess and if he doesn't, then it's for the best. I can't force this.

 

When he contacted me after two months apart, I was excited, but a ittle hesitant. i stopped responding to text messages the first day. He tried again the second day and went to the point speaking about the break up, so I know he will find the courage if he has to.

 

I don't know if I'll hear from him after this. Still can't sleep. I had another bad dream and he was in it. I just want to get to a place where I feel like everything is going to be ok. Lastlove76, I know you said after 2 months, you feel like it hasn't gotten any better. I remember still being in agony after 2 months last time. Granted there has been some communication this time, he has given me no indication he wants to salvage the relationship, so I'm treating this like the last time I'll hear from him. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I want these feelings to go away and I feel like I'm kicking and screaming because I know this is going to be a long road.

 

Lostlove76, I was curious about when your guy contacted you. Did you ignore him completely or did you respond? I know I can never know what is going on in my guys head unless he opens up. Sometimes this feels like games. Just have to let it all go I guess.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. From what happened the last time, it sounds like he'll only reach out (in a real way) when he's ready, however long that may take. He ignored your text attempt, but then reached out when he was ready to talk. Which in some ways is a bit selfish, but it seems to be how he operates. I would have felt the same way you felt if a text had been ignored - it does make it seem as if the person just wants nothing to do with you.

 

My guy and I have a long history of ons and offs, so there has been plenty of ignoring on both sides. I never once ignored anything from him at all until a year and a half in, after he had done it to me so many times. I guess you're talking about this latest breakup though. Just a quick timeline: I gave him an ultimatum about me moving there, because he kept saying it was going to happen and it never did. It was too hurtful, so I told him I had to quit talking to him if he bailed on me again. He did, so I cut things off. He called every other night for 2.5 weeks after that and I ignored all of it. Finally I answered, and was just really upset with him during the call. He quit trying after that until 2.5 weeks later, and I didn't answer. He hasn't called since. But he's been with the married woman. I could tell from social media that when he called that last time, it was because she had briefly gone back home. I didn't feel his intentions were pure, and I knew I would be very angry while talking to him because I was so hurt. So I just let it ring. I honestly thought that he would keep trying though, and that I could answer if and when I was ready. But he didn't try again, because married woman went right back to him. If he called today, I still may ignore, because too much has happened and I just wouldn't even know where to begin.

 

It's from the opposite side with your guy - since he's the one who did wrong. But he really may not even know where to begin. I try to put myself in other people's shoes, and I know with myself, there has been times I'm scared to say I'm sorry to someone because I feel they will immediately start fussing at me for whatever I did. So maybe he feels like you'll put him in his place again (and you would have every right to) if he opens the conversation. Fear of confrontation.

 

Just one more comparison for you. More towards the beginning of things with mine, I went through his phone and saw he'd been with other girls. We hadn't had the exclusivity talk, but I assumed that we were, so I was very hurt and upset by what I found. I told him off and told him never to call me again. 3 weeks later, he called and I answered. He apologized and said he wanted to make it right and we would be exclusive and he loved me, etc. Then he said he was scared to call, and I asked him why, and he said because he knew I hated him. So again, I really think yours is scared to call, as well as not being ready or capable of fixing things. I could be wrong, but I think he will find the courage at some point, like he did last time.