Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

I kid you not....it has crossed my mind that he read about the NC thing. I mean it's all over the Internet. Truthfully, I'm not sure, but this is why it crossed my mind...

When we split up the first time, I contacted him a short while after the break up telling him I still loved him and I that I wanted to work things out, he never responded. I let a couple days go by and after no response I sent a text telling him I respect his wishes and that I needed him to come pick up the furniture from my parents house. No response. Exactly, 31 days (1 extra day because the 30th fell on a weekend) he contacted me. The reason I mentioned the one extra day because the 30 day mark fell on a weekend is because he has always said he doesn't like to stress anything on his days off. He would steer clear of any serious talks on the weekends. I thought to myself...wow! What a coincidence. Early Monday I get a text!

 

It could be coincidental, but I'm not sure. I've read other stories of exs reaching out exactly on the 30 days Nc day exactly. It was 4 days short of the 8 week breakup for us. With that being said, I don't think anything similar is going to happen this time, but it could be a possibility that he has read up on Nc and has found that it's best to try for reconciliation after some time off. He also went through a horrible separation with his ex wife and may have learned this through experience. The first time they seperated, he left for a matter of months. They reconciled for one month and then it end permanently. He is very aware of the impact NC can make. It gives you time to think, sort things out, and miss that person.

 

Regardless, he will have to make that decision on his own. I know I have the ultimate decision in he end if he breaks his silence, but the first step would have to come from him. I'm not sure what is going on in his mind, but if he's human, he shouldn't have forgotten about me. If a matter of months have passed and still nothing, I can assume he isn't interested in making amends. I honestly feel that he knows he has messed up and repairing would take an enormous amount of work and transparency. He's been through infidelity before in his previous relationship. He knows what he's in for. The mistrust and how life would be like living in constant worry. I think he doesn't want to go through that and believes we are unable to salvage the relationship. That is why I'm not hearing from him. He knows no matter what he says, I will believe "what it looks like" and that is that he had sex with this woman, which I have already spoken to her. She sent me screenshots of texts and I am pretty sure was being truthful, but what about what I don't know about. He knows it will be pure hell for a long time until the trust is back. He also knows me well. I don't let go of things very easily and may feel I will constantly throw this in his face. What he doesn't know is the work I am doing on myself and how much research I am putting into learning how reconciliation should go after something like this. I'm confident we can make it through...with work of course. And if he is willing.

 

As for your guy, I have this thing...I have always been very disgusted with women who do things like this. Everyone has their reasons, but she has left her husband and child to go have a rendezvous with your guy. She sounds extremely selfish to me and people who do things like this don't get very far. Your guy is a guy..guys do dumb things. Not that it's excusable, but there are a lot of things that would be exciting about what he is doing right now. I can understand how he could have gotten caught up in something like this, but things like this don't last. They are not built on solid foundations so they crumble just as quickly as they start. You don't know that they are happy. You are basing this off a Facebook like..just as I look through my guys Facebook looking for clues. If he is in love with her..its besause they are in the honeymoon stage. It is just a matter of time before reality settles in and the hormones begin to balance. He is also quite young. I have to say that I think you are handling yourself like a lady and you are doing the right thing. Let him go find what it is that he needs....attempt anyway.

 

That's pretty much what I'm living by these days...

 

Set it free, if it comes back, it's yours.

[lostlove76]

Hmmm, 31 days! It could be a coincidence, but it does sound fishy, doesn't it. If he was doing NC, then another possible reason it was 31 days instead of 30 might have been that he went a full 30 days of NC and then contacted the day after that, rather than contacting on the 30th day. If I was following the rule, that's probably how I would do it. We can't know for sure that he's read about it, but it's entirely possible. NC would come up near the top of the results for just about any phrase one might Google having to do with breakups.

 

Whatever his reason for silence, one thing is certain: there's no way in the world that he's forgotten about you or doesn't care. You were a big part of his life and his children's lives. Not to make you sad, but I'm sure the kids mention you and ask about you at times. And he's driven by your job. So I think it's safe to say that, at the very least, you are still on his mind and will continue to be for some time. He may not know or feel that you would be open to reconciliation, so it may take him longer to gather the courage to reach out. I don't want to give false hope, but I think he'll surely reach out at some point. If it goes beyond the 2 months that it took last time for him to make amends, then we might have to wonder more if he's made some type of decision not to continue. But at this point, given how he's reacted in the past, I just think it's too soon to tell.

 

Thank you SO much for your words about my guy. It made me feel better - I even took a screenshot to read when I'm feeling down. I'm with you - women like her absolutely disgust me. From what I can tell, she is selfish beyond belief. I think I may have mentioned this, but a week ago she was commenting on her husband's page, being jealous about a picture being taken somewhere some other girl frequents, saying it hurt her feelings. Telling him she misses him and asking him to come see "his wife" and to call her so she could hear his voice. Said something about some pics he sent her and him texting her for the past 4 days. Just on and on. This is all while living with my ex. So my hope is that all this blows up in his face. I'm angry that he chose someone like that over what he and I had. It just hurts so much. I'm hoping that the excitement will soon wear off and he'll see that she's just using him because she gets a free place to stay at the beach. Ugh, I should not even care anymore after how he treated me, but I do.

[Ksol9]

I think I misread where you said your guy is about the same age as mine. I thought you said he's in his 20's. But you are absolutely correct at this age, mid 30's, they should know better. I do believe the reason is more than superficial.

 

I received a text message from his daughter earlier. she was asking if she can order a calculator using my Amazon account. She said dad was sleeping. Firstly I was surprised that he was sleeping at 6 in the evening. He never ever takes naps. Also, during the week I saw she has been adding things to my Amazon cart. I would delete it or save for later. I did see the calculator there earlier this week and I deleted it. I think maybe she wanted me to buy it for her, but I responded saying that it wasn't a problem and that she could go ahead and order.

 

I found it really strange that he was sleeping at that time. He never takes naps. Either he was up late last night, my first thought was that he went out or he hasn't been feeling well. Still strange. I know he is going through a major adjustment and an unexpected one at that. This whole thing caught him by surprise. I know he never thought I would leave him like this. When I saw him a couple days ago, he still hasn't even had a haircut. It's been almost 2 months. He looks like a mountain man. I guess I shouldn't read too much into all these things. No matter what he is going through, he still hasnt said a word to me.

 

Now that him and I broke up, I can just imagine how much time he spends alone. It's really sad that we are both apart like this. Our life was filled with a lot of happiness and laughter. Now I think it was all a scam but in the moment it was really a beautiful relationship. A lot of love between us all. I pity him. Such a shame that he took that for granted.

 

Sometimes I wonder what I am holding on to. I think the reason I feel different this time around is because I am the one in control even through some circumstances are out of my control. As much as I wish for him to come back, I know deep down inside, if he doesn't, I'm better off. Something inside of me died when I found out he was betraying me. That relentless spirit I had for him died. I would have never given up on him. I would never abandon him. The times I ran away, I wanted him to be there reassuring me and helping me feel secured. Right now....I don't think he can find the words to say to me.

 

I remember before this whole thing happened, his daughter and I went somewhere together. In the car she was asking me if everything was ok..her dad and I had a disagreement about something, nothing major. I said I was ok. She said why are you lying to me? She then went on to say...you know my dad will not realize what he is doing until it's too late. I nearly drove off the road. Children have a sixth sense. A few days later, I left him.

 

I miss them terribly. It's unbearable sometimes, but they are not my children and I came into this world alone. I can make it on my own. I pray everyday that he is searching within himself to figure out what he truly wants in his life. I am really hoping one day soon he will turn this around...but as you have been telling me, I am preparing for the worst. I do strongly feel he has given up on us. This mountain seems to high to climb.

 

As for you, hope you're hanging in there. Have you thought about going out with friends and possibly dating? IM pretty sure you're not ready to start dating. I'm not interested in anything that has to do with people. I just want to sit in my house and cry. This has to be one of the worst things we can experience. Heartache is my worst enemy right now.

[lostlove76]

I'm nowhere near ready to start dating, but I wish I was. It would be nice to find that connection again. I just don't have the energy right now to go through a bunch of meaningless dates or chats that won't pan out. My heart isn't open at the moment, and I know I would just compare everyone to him and they would come up lacking. But maybe in time! After I get myself sorted out a bit.

 

What was his daughter referring to when she said he won't realize "what he's doing" until it's too late? What did she think he was doing? Just the arguing in general, or something more specific? She probably wouldn't know about the communications with other women would she?

 

It sounds like his kids have a great love and respect for you. I'm sorry that missing them is so hard. I've never been in a relationship with anyone who had young kids, so I can't even imagine.

 

Does he drink at all? Wondering if he drank last night and was hungover and that's why he was napping. If he hasn't gotten his hair cut and he's sleeping in the early evening, sounds like he could be depressed. That's just a guess, of course, based on very small clues. I just really get the feeling that he's probably having a hard time with this, though. It wouldn't make sense that he wouldn't be feeling it, even though I know it seems that way to you, on the other end of his silence. I don't think he has given up. I think he probably just feels paralyzed and doesn't know how to fix this at the moment. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to, though. Again, he may be waiting for you to reach out when you're ready. He may not realize the ball is in his court. You would think he would know, since he's the one who messed it all up, but he really may not. Guys can be pretty clueless.

 

Whatever the reason for his silence, I can bet with almost certainty that he's not happy right now, and that his life was happier with you in it. Maybe he will realize that during this period of no contact. He's experiencing what life will be like without you in it. Just let time do its thing.

[Ksol9]

You're very insightful lostlove. you sound like such a kind hearted person. Sometimes I don't understand why people do things they know will hurt the person they love. I hope things work out for you. You will be ready to date when YOU say it's time. When your heart is ready to move forward you will know. For some reason, I feel like this isn't the end of your guy. This relationship or whatever it is that he is in doesn't sound like it's going to be permanent. I really don't see that situation going anywhere but down just for one simple thing...the comments she left on her husband's page. Do you know the situation with her husband? Are they newly separated? Is he seeing someone else..in a relationship?

 

As for his daughter...she is 13. Teenage angst, attitude, rebellion...you name it. She bumps heads with dad often. Her and I are quite close. Anytime they would get into an argument, she would point out that he has anger issues and that he was extremely defensive. This is 100% accurate. I thought she was just saying these things because she's a child and she just didn't like him disciplining her, but he really does react to everything in that manner. He wouldn't lay a finger on any of us, but he's yelling and screaming before thinking and speaking collectively. She would also point out that he didn't know how to communicate. Imagine this is all coming from a 13 year that came to these conclusions on her own. She's very wise for her age. She has no idea that the problems he and I had involved other women, but I sense she knows her father has had this problem before. Maybe with their mom. I have never questioned her. She made that comment about him realizing when it's too late meaning he doesn't realize the damage he is doing by arguing and not communicating. He will realize when it's too late. The morning I left, she asked me what he did wrong and I couldn't tell her. I literally begged him that night not to try to discuss anything with me because I didn't want the children to hear that I caught their father cheating. That was my biggest concern. Gosh what a terrible night that was.

 

Dating a man with children, custody of his children, is no walk in the park. It comes with a lot of sacrifices. The whole dynamic of the relationship completely different than a traditional relationship without children. It took me about a whole year to adjust and to figure out that this is what I really wanted. In hindsight, I really feel him and I didn't take care and nurture our relationship. We didn't make time for just him and I. That's so important now that I look back.

 

He drinks regularly...beers. It would be very odd if he left the children and went out drinking but I don't put it past him. He could have. I know he was up early this morning because I saw that he signed on Facebook around 8:30 am so I don't think he was out drinking late. (I feel like we're some Facebook detectives..this can't be healthy lol) I wpuld agree that he is going through something. It has been almost one month since everything happened and in that time he had to adjust to taking of the children on his own, they started school, and it seems that he is working much more now. For me when he broke up with me, it was a blow to the head, completely unexpected. I was so broken and in agony the entire time. It rocked me to my core. I don't know if he is experiencing pain similar to what happened to me when he broke up with me. Something is definitely going on with him though.

 

I'm not sure if you explained before, I apologize if you did tell me before, how did things end this time with you and your guy? Did he break up with you or did you break up with him by just ignoring his calls? Did he find this woman before you ended contact or after? This time, do you feel the same kind of agonizing pain as any of the other times you guys went on a break? I'm just wondering if you feel different now since this break up has lasted so long? I definitely feel something different this time around.

[lostlove76]

"I feel like we're some Facebook detectives..this can't be healthy lol)"

 

I was thinking more of him staying home and drinking than going out, but I don't know if he would do that around the kids. The reason I asked was because if I have one too many beers, I'm dragging the next day and need a nap. People tend to drink more when they're going through a breakup, so just wondered if that was a possibility. Either way, the fact that he's not normally one for naps would indicate to me that this is affecting him enough to either drink more, not be getting enough sleep, or feeling depressed.

 

His daughter does sound wise beyond her years. It sounds like you've been a wonderful addition to the family, really good for the kids, and they love you. So he would be a fool to let something like pride get in the way of fixing this thing. Oftentimes, someone has to lose something to realize the value of it, and I hope that he will come to this realization soon. I really think that he will, with time. I know we don't have much to go on, but given what you have seen, I would say that all signs point to him not just merrily moving on without a care.

 

Thank you for your kind words about me

 

As for my guy and the way things ended this time...

I finally just had enough of his noncommittal ways, and had to give an ultimatum: either come get me to live there with you like you've been insisting you want for the past 5-6 months, or I can't talk to you anymore because I can't keep doing this. He said he was coming, said he would be a fool not to, said (again) that I'm his soulmate and he wants to be with me forever, even asked me to marry him. Then a few days before he was supposed to come, he backed out again. It was at that point that he mentioned this other woman - said he had met her a few times and she was hot and pretty and he felt sorry for her. Never mentioned that she's married; I found that out on my own. So I held firm to my ultimatum and told him we were done. He kept calling for 2.5 weeks and I wouldn't answer. Finally I did, and I just ended up yelling at him because I was so upset about all of it. He then didn't call again until a couple weeks after that, and I didn't answer. He hasn't called since. I could tell from fb that married woman stayed with him for a bit between the last time we talked and the last time he tried to call. She was back home with her family for a few days when he last tried to call, but then went right back to live with my ex. Sorry if the timeline is long and confusing! So in summary, he met her a few times (and kissed her, or more, I think) before I broke it off with him, and then really started spending time with her after we quit talking. And then moved her in shortly after the last time he tried to call. He would have done all this regardless, and just dropped me if I hadn't dropped him. So I'm glad I at least cut things off for myself rather than waiting until he did it. I have felt the same agonizing pain this time as previous times; it felt the same, because each time we ended, I always thought it could be for good. But since finding out she moved there, it felt worse because I knew, rather than just worried, that he wouldn't be coming back any time soon. You're so lucky that yours doesn't have someone else. As hard as things are right now, at least you have that.

 

As far as her situation with her husband... He still has them listed as married on his fb page. They both still have all their pictures together on each of their pages. She still appears to be wearing her wedding rings in pictures, even to this day. It doesn't appear he's seeing anyone else at all. It appears that their troubles go back a couple of years, on and off, because she spouted off at him in Facebook comments several times. He definitely seems the more stable of the two. She was posting pics of them together as recently as mid April of this year. Then she just decided to run off to the beach, where she grew up, and found my ex who pursued her because she's "hot" and exciting and gave her a free place to stay! It's all just sickening.

[Ms Darcy]

He spent his time contacting other women behind my back and who knows what else when he should be enjoying our life together, raising the children, and planning a life together. The life he was living with me was not worth living. That is not how I want to live my life....no way, no how!

 

He cheated and I broke up with him and it seems like he had accepted that our relationship is over. He hasn't said anything about wanting to continue the relationship or put in work. I made this clear to him after we broke up the first time. I read a lot about people who experience cheating and most times when they stay together and work through it, they don't split. There is immediate remorse and the partner who cheated expresses they want to work right away.

 

I'm still working with my counselor now. ... She keeps telling me that couple can overcome something like this, but it's absolutely imperative we try to understand why he did something like this...not the typical excuses men tend to give when they get caught, but to dig deeper. There also has to be a lot of communication. The key thing that is non existent right now.

 

I think when I explore what would happen if I reach out to him, I think rejection. That he would tell me, I'm sorry but this relationship just isn't going to work. We have no future because there is no trust and things will always be like this, so it's best we move on.

I'm just not seeing it.

 

They say ego is a hell of a drug. Pride...pride can steal a lot from us. We aren't put on this Earth to rob oursleves and others of happiness. We are to live our lives to the fullest right?? And share it with those who we love and who treat us the same. I understand no one is perfect, but I think pride has a large role in what is going on with my situation right now. He treated me poorly and if pride is in the way of him making right by his wrongs, then what am I to do? He has to carry all of these burdens throughout his life.

 

Love can not exits where there is fear.

 

I have so many fears, it's so complicated, when it comes to him. He is not doing anything to ease those fears. This time apart may be nesseccary for us both because of the people we are...we are both just as stubborn, passive aggressive, and prideful, we need this time to think. I need to remind myself what is most important...my family, my loved ones, happiness, living righteously. That is the ultimate life goal isn't it?

 

When I found the emails, I sent out a huge rejection email letting him know there was no chance in the world that he would be able to save our relationship. He took what I said and walked away quietly. I do wonder sometimes if this NC thing can backfire. Just as in your situation you felt secured in knowing he would contact you again if you rejected him, in my case...I knew I could reject once or twice and after that, he'd be gone. Maybe those couple text messages were cue for me to spark conversation, but he didn't directly give me the impression he wanted to talk. Just as he is afraid of rejection, I am as well.

 

Hi Ksol. This is quite an interesting thread you have here. Much has been said so I don't want to go on too long but here are some highlights from an outside perspective. Here are my impressions ...

 

1. The relationship before the first big break up was troubled and there were early signs of it that were ignored.

-Early on he was mysterious, reserved, and communicated mostly by text. That's a big flag to me that you have a man who operates in shades and secrets - and is not one to be trusted.

-He was communicating with other women inappropriately. Which basically supports the point above.

-You guys rushed the relationship. Before you really got to know each other, you moved in and got very attached to the "family" life and being a surrogate mom and wifey.

-Within a year of dating you were "taking breaks" and needing days to cool off. HUGE red flag. This was an on and off relationship.

-When you fought he was pretty dang mean in the way you describe him. Like his real thoughts of you were very scathing.

-There was a big lack of sex.

 

2. You haven't really accepted that the relationship is over. You may have some issues with co-dependency.

-You mentioned that you sent him a huge rejection email saying that the relationship can't be saved.

-YET, you say you are puzzled as to why he hasn't contacted you to work on this "relationship."

-The language above makes it clear you really want to get back together with him and work on your issues.

-Related to the stages of grief, it sounds like you are often in the bargaining stage.

-I would suggest that trying to make it work with a man who couldn't help but cheat (at least emotionally) within a year of dating, and throughout the relationship, isn't really someone you should waste your fertile years trying to reconcile with.

-I would encourage you to work through why you want to make it work with someone who treated you like a friend, companion, and surrogate mom that he depended on but wasn't in love with. Perhaps talk to your therapist about this.

-Also, I liked your point about pride and would encourage you to think about it for yourself. Has his cheating and no contact hurt your pride/ego? It seems so.

 

3. You should consider starting no contact.

-You have really started it on your end because you are:

-Following him on Facebook.

-Still getting and responding to messages from him and his kids.

-Moving on, or starting that process, is very hard when you let them rent space in your head.

 

4. You said your loved ones and living right is most important. Then think of the big picture as much as possible.

-You are 32.

-Do you want marriage and children?

-Do you want to have those children naturally?

-If this is so, you literally have no time to waste on this idiot.

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol. This is quite an interesting thread you have here. Much has been said so I don't want to go on too long but here are some highlights from an outside perspective. Here are my impressions ...

 

1. The relationship before the first big break up was troubled and there were early signs of it that were ignored.

-Early on he was mysterious, reserved, and communicated mostly by text. That's a big flag to me that you have a man who operates in shades and secrets - and is not one to be trusted.

-He was communicating with other women inappropriately. Which basically supports the point above.

-You guys rushed the relationship. Before you really got to know each other, you moved in and got very attached to the "family" life and being a surrogate mom and wifey.

-Within a year of dating you were "taking breaks" and needing days to cool off. HUGE red flag. This was an on and off relationship.

-When you fought he was pretty dang mean in the way you describe him. Like his real thoughts of you were very scathing.

-There was a big lack of sex.

 

2. You haven't really accepted that the relationship is over. You may have some issues with co-dependency.

-You mentioned that you sent him a huge rejection email saying that the relationship can't be saved.

-YET, you say you are puzzled as to why he hasn't contacted you to work on this "relationship."

-The language above makes it clear you really want to get back together with him and work on your issues.

-Related to the stages of grief, it sounds like you are often in the bargaining stage.

-I would suggest that trying to make it work with a man who couldn't help but cheat (at least emotionally) within a year of dating, and throughout the relationship, isn't really someone you should waste your fertile years trying to reconcile with.

-I would encourage you to work through why you want to make it work with someone who treated you like a friend, companion, and surrogate mom that he depended on but wasn't in love with. Perhaps talk to your therapist about this.

-Also, I liked your point about pride and would encourage you to think about it for yourself. Has his cheating and no contact hurt your pride/ego? It seems so.

 

3. You should consider starting no contact.

-You have really started it on your end because you are:

-Following him on Facebook.

-Still getting and responding to messages from him and his kids.

-Moving on, or starting that process, is very hard when you let them rent space in your head.

 

4. You said your loved ones and living right is most important. Then think of the big picture as much as possible.

-You are 32.

-Do you want marriage and children?

-Do you want to have those children naturally?

-If this is so, you literally have no time to waste on this idiot.

 

 

Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to read through this thread and to respond with your thoughts. I value everything you said very much.

 

The first thing that caught my attention was the word co-dependency. This is something that I have been trying to work on with my therapist and to research further. There is a reason why I chose this type of relationship and there is a reason I chose to ignore all the red flags in order to stay in the relationship.

 

I don't think I've accepted the relationship is truly over and I think this is where denial and bargaining has been playing a major part in what I've been experiencing the past few weeks. I sent that rejection email confronting him. I was extremely angry. I expected not to hear from him afterward because of the way he has handled problems in the past. He just doesn't deal with problems period. After the initial shock and anger subsided, I began to think about what happened objectively and then I realized I would have liked to have had an adult conversation about it. I want to try to work through it and that is why I am still hoping he would turn this around. Is that realistic? Absolutely not. We have never been successful in working through any problems in a healthy way. We made minor progress with communication through the help of my therapist. With that being said, I have to take into serious consideration what you stated above.

 

At the same time, I know everything you stated is true and that I should consider moving on in full speed for my own sake, but it is rather difficult. I have left the relationship and I am not only working with a counselor to move forward, but I've also been reading and educating myself on how him and I should move forward if we were to open communication. Move forward in a direction to a healthy relationship. As I'm tying I'm wondering if I'm just wasting my time.

 

I'm doing the best I can. I haven't gone into full NC and that is probably what has been clouding my judgement. I still look through Facebook. I often see him around my workplace. I have even responded to text messages from him and his children. I'm still hanging on. The bigger question is do I want to hang on, truthfully, yes. I'm torn between giving up and trying to fix. Sometimes I feel like just throwing my hands up in the air.

 

Thank you for bringing all of this to my attention. I need a dose of reality at times. Seeing those points highlighted and explained reminded me of what was really going on there in that relationship. I went back and read through your response quite a few times already and in reading it, all I can think is that this is not a very nice person. He isn't deserving of all the time, energy, and love I put into him and his children. I also understand I had a lot to do with why our relationship was in the dumps...just as much to blame as he was. I understand I taught him how to treat me. I allowed so much of what was happening..everything from him taking advantage of me to disrespecting me. These are all things I need to really sit with myself and think through.

[Ksol9]

"I feel like we're some Facebook detectives..this can't be healthy lol)"

 

I was thinking more of him staying home and drinking than going out, but I don't know if he would do that around the kids. The reason I asked was because if I have one too many beers, I'm dragging the next day and need a nap. People tend to drink more when they're going through a breakup, so just wondered if that was a possibility. Either way, the fact that he's not normally one for naps would indicate to me that this is affecting him enough to either drink more, not be getting enough sleep, or feeling depressed.

 

His daughter does sound wise beyond her years. It sounds like you've been a wonderful addition to the family, really good for the kids, and they love you. So he would be a fool to let something like pride get in the way of fixing this thing. Oftentimes, someone has to lose something to realize the value of it, and I hope that he will come to this realization soon. I really think that he will, with time. I know we don't have much to go on, but given what you have seen, I would say that all signs point to him not just merrily moving on without a care.

 

Thank you for your kind words about me

 

As for my guy and the way things ended this time...

I finally just had enough of his noncommittal ways, and had to give an ultimatum: either come get me to live there with you like you've been insisting you want for the past 5-6 months, or I can't talk to you anymore because I can't keep doing this. He said he was coming, said he would be a fool not to, said (again) that I'm his soulmate and he wants to be with me forever, even asked me to marry him. Then a few days before he was supposed to come, he backed out again. It was at that point that he mentioned this other woman - said he had met her a few times and she was hot and pretty and he felt sorry for her. Never mentioned that she's married; I found that out on my own. So I held firm to my ultimatum and told him we were done. He kept calling for 2.5 weeks and I wouldn't answer. Finally I did, and I just ended up yelling at him because I was so upset about all of it. He then didn't call again until a couple weeks after that, and I didn't answer. He hasn't called since. I could tell from fb that married woman stayed with him for a bit between the last time we talked and the last time he tried to call. She was back home with her family for a few days when he last tried to call, but then went right back to live with my ex. Sorry if the timeline is long and confusing! So in summary, he met her a few times (and kissed her, or more, I think) before I broke it off with him, and then really started spending time with her after we quit talking. And then moved her in shortly after the last time he tried to call. He would have done all this regardless, and just dropped me if I hadn't dropped him. So I'm glad I at least cut things off for myself rather than waiting until he did it. I have felt the same agonizing pain this time as previous times; it felt the same, because each time we ended, I always thought it could be for good. But since finding out she moved there, it felt worse because I knew, rather than just worried, that he wouldn't be coming back any time soon. You're so lucky that yours doesn't have someone else. As hard as things are right now, at least you have that.

 

As far as her situation with her husband... He still has them listed as married on his fb page. They both still have all their pictures together on each of their pages. She still appears to be wearing her wedding rings in pictures, even to this day. It doesn't appear he's seeing anyone else at all. It appears that their troubles go back a couple of years, on and off, because she spouted off at him in Facebook comments several times. He definitely seems the more stable of the two. She was posting pics of them together as recently as mid April of this year. Then she just decided to run off to the beach, where she grew up, and found my ex who pursued her because she's "hot" and exciting and gave her a free place to stay! It's all just sickening.

 

It's funny how much time and effort I have put into searching for clues on Facebook and in any other way. What is that really going to change?

 

As for him drinking, it is very possible that he was drinking at home. I don't know why I immediately thought about him going out drinking. He's not the type to go out to bars or clubs, but because he's alone and with the children all the time, I think I just assumed he may have went out. The only time I saw him drinking heavily at home is when he was either has a lot on his mind or if work has been stressful. I mean heavily by hard liquor. Other than that, he drinks beers regularly. With me leaving him, the added responsibility of the children, work, and whatever else that is going on in his life, it is sure to be taking a toll on him emotionally. I think sometimes it's easy for my to think he's just carrying on with his life without a care in the world because he has always been this careless type of person, but if I really think about it, I made his life very simple and now all of that weight and responsibility is on him. If I were in his shoes I would be extremely stressed...and unhappy.

 

These on and off relationships are unhealthy, but sometimes I believe it is necessary in order to build a stronger and healthier relationship. I know that I would not have learned all that I am learning now if we didn't go through this. Whether we make it through, is yet to be seen.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove, I meant to ask you...

 

In your experience with your on and off relationship, were there any attempts to break the cycle of breaking up and getting back together? Have you read about this? Is it something you both spoke about?

 

You mentioned that after giving him the ultimatum he continued to try to talk for a few weeks. Had he given you some time to cool off, not contacted you for some, then called to talk it through, do you think you would have spoken to him? My thinking is that he wanted to save the relationship someway, somehow but because you didnt answer, he decided to take a plunge with this woman. He had met her just in time and being with her was a way to "move on" from what happened with you. I don't much thought was put into starting this relationship with her. It occupies him since you are no longer in the picture. I hope I'm making sense.

[lostlove76]

Ms Darcy brings up some very good points. I'm glad she chimed in! I worry sometimes that my offering of thoughts is almost like the blind leading the blind here; I, too, have been told that I'm codependent, and I'm afraid it's possible that I'm encouraging some unhealthy habits and thought processes. BUT, I think you already know how alike you and I seem to be in so many ways, so hopefully our bouncing ideas back and forth is still of some help and not causing any harm (I hope).

 

-You mentioned that you sent him a huge rejection email saying that the relationship can't be saved.

-YET, you say you are puzzled as to why he hasn't contacted you to work on this "relationship."

Just wanted to say that this is a very good point. My dad has said the same thing to me before, has asked me why I would expect him to call when I ignored him and basically told him not to. Maybe it's too much to expect for them to "read our minds" and know that what we really want and need is the exact opposite of what we told them. Maybe if we try to put ourselves in your ex's shoes... He messed up, he got caught, you got (rightfully) very angry and upset, you told him "there was no chance in the world that he would be able to save our relationship." Maybe he took that as fact, and doesn't know that you then calmed down and started wishing to talk things through. So maybe THAT is why he's not calling. If the roles were reversed (not that you would ever cheat, but imagine you did or said something really hurtful) and he told you he never wanted to hear from you again, would you call? Maybe he doesn't want to overstep your boundaries or go against your wishes.

 

I don't think I've accepted the relationship is truly over and I think this is where denial and bargaining has been playing a major part in what I've been experiencing the past few weeks.

This is apparently "normal" and is just part of the Stages of Grief. I held onto hope in the beginning, too, went through the denial and bargaining phases. I'm still experiencing it just a little bit, though a lot less than before.

 

Before I started typing my comments here, I was thinking a bit about whether false hope (if it does indeed turn out to be false) is really such a bad thing. We always try to protect ourselves and others from having false hope (hence why I keep telling you to prepare for the worst) because it seems like it would create a bigger crash when things don't turn out the way we wanted. But I'm not sure it really has that effect. I think it's going to be equally hurtful whether hope was present or not. As long as someone isn't living in fantasyland where they can't see any other options than the one that is hoped for (which you aren't doing, by any means), I kind of think it's fine. You'll accept that it's over when you're ready, or when more time has passed and you're more sure that it is. On the other hand, I will say that having hope makes it next to impossible to move forward into the next phase of life, the phase that doesn't include him. But it's all a process, and not a linear one, as I have been told and have experienced.

 

but I've also been reading and educating myself on how him and I should move forward if we were to open communication. Move forward in a direction to a healthy relationship. As I'm tying I'm wondering if I'm just wasting my time.

Don't consider it a waste of time, even if you never get the opportunity to put it all into practice with him. Everything you're learning will come in handy with the next guy if you don't end up with your ex again, or forever. I, too, kind of think about all the time I "wasted" reading sooooooo many books and articles about relationships during the past two years, but it was what I needed to do at the time. If nothing else, it was just a coping mechanism while I was hurting. It kept me occupied.

[lostlove76]

It's funny how much time and effort I have put into searching for clues on Facebook and in any other way. What is that really going to change?

Good point. On my thread, a couple of posters told me to say two things to myself every time I went to look at his page: 1) I am knowingly choosing to hurt myself by looking, and 2) Will it change the outcome? I thought the first statement was in regards to what I might see when I looked, but she later explained that what harmed me by continuing to look was that it kept me stuck in a false connection with him and unable to move forward. The second question, Will it change the outcome, also makes good sense -- whatever you happen to see, he's still not calling. BUT, it's extremely hard to stop. I stopped for 5 days using the above suggestions, and then went right back to it and haven't even tried to stop since then. At least you're not seeing hurtful things, like evidence of another woman. But it does keep you stuck in analyzing mode.

 

As for him drinking, it is very possible that he was drinking at home. I don't know why I immediately thought about him going out drinking. He's not the type to go out to bars or clubs, but because he's alone and with the children all the time, I think I just assumed he may have went out. The only time I saw him drinking heavily at home is when he was either has a lot on his mind or if work has been stressful. I mean heavily by hard liquor. Other than that, he drinks beers regularly. With me leaving him, the added responsibility of the children, work, and whatever else that is going on in his life, it is sure to be taking a toll on him emotionally. I think sometimes it's easy for my to think he's just carrying on with his life without a care in the world because he has always been this careless type of person, but if I really think about it, I made his life very simple and now all of that weight and responsibility is on him. If I were in his shoes I would be extremely stressed...and unhappy.

Yep, the parts in bold. And I'm sure he misses you and is hurting, as well. All of which drives someone to drink more, if they're a drinker already. So maybe that was the reason for the nap the other day. I wouldn't think that he would suddenly start going out drinking, if he never did before. I drink wine or beer a couple nights a week, and I do it at home. I have zero desire to go out and do it. If he's not the socializing, bar-hopping type, he would probably rather just do it at home. Plus he has the kids at home, so probably not safe or easy to go out. So I wouldn't worry that that is what he's doing at all.

 

I'll be back in a bit to reply to your next comment about my guy, and about on/off relationships.

[Ksol9]

Ms Darcy brings up some very good points. I'm glad she chimed in! I worry sometimes that my offering of thoughts is almost like the blind leading the blind here; I, too, have been told that I'm codependent, and I'm afraid it's possible that I'm encouraging some unhealthy habits and thought processes. BUT, I think you already know how alike you and I seem to be in so many ways, so hopefully our bouncing ideas back and forth is still of some help and not causing any harm (I hope).

 

 

Just wanted to say that this is a very good point. My dad has said the same thing to me before, has asked me why I would expect him to call when I ignored him and basically told him not to. Maybe it's too much to expect for them to "read our minds" and know that what we really want and need is the exact opposite of what we told them. Maybe if we try to put ourselves in your ex's shoes... He messed up, he got caught, you got (rightfully) very angry and upset, you told him "there was no chance in the world that he would be able to save our relationship." Maybe he took that as fact, and doesn't know that you then calmed down and started wishing to talk things through. So maybe THAT is why he's not calling. If the roles were reversed (not that you would ever cheat, but imagine you did or said something really hurtful) and he told you he never wanted to hear from you again, would you call? Maybe he doesn't want to overstep your boundaries or go against your wishes.

 

 

This is apparently "normal" and is just part of the Stages of Grief. I held onto hope in the beginning, too, went through the denial and bargaining phases. I'm still experiencing it just a little bit, though a lot less than before.

 

Before I started typing my comments here, I was thinking a bit about whether false hope (if it does indeed turn out to be false) is really such a bad thing. We always try to protect ourselves and others from having false hope (hence why I keep telling you to prepare for the worst) because it seems like it would create a bigger crash when things don't turn out the way we wanted. But I'm not sure it really has that effect. I think it's going to be equally hurtful whether hope was present or not. As long as someone isn't living in fantasyland where they can't see any other options than the one that is hoped for (which you aren't doing, by any means), I kind of think it's fine. You'll accept that it's over when you're ready, or when more time has passed and you're more sure that it is. On the other hand, I will say that having hope makes it next to impossible to move forward into the next phase of life, the phase that doesn't include him. But it's all a process, and not a linear one, as I have been told and have experienced.

 

 

Don't consider it a waste of time, even if you never get the opportunity to put it all into practice with him. Everything you're learning will come in handy with the next guy if you don't end up with your ex again, or forever. I, too, kind of think about all the time I "wasted" reading sooooooo many books and articles about relationships during the past two years, but it was what I needed to do at the time. If nothing else, it was just a coping mechanism while I was hurting. It kept me occupied.

 

 

Hi lostlove, I too am thankful for Ms Darcy chiming in. I don't think I've been unrealistic about my situation. I have been trying my best to think of it from every angle. You and I do think very much alike and I value your opinion and thoughts. I don't think you have offered me false hope. You've always been very realistic when offering support. Please rest assured.

 

You and Darcy have made an excellent point in saying that I sternly put him in his place and made it clear I wanted nothing more to do with him...and then I am expecting him to come back to make amends. That is crazy making when I think about it. I don't do well with rejection either. I'm not very persistent. If the situation was reversed and I know I did something terribly wrong, if he clearly said he wanted nothing to do with me, I may offer my apologies, but I would be on my way rather than to continue to annoy him and risk further backlash. Maybe that is the case here, but I still feel that my anger and reaction was expected, I still think if he truly cared for me and knew he messed up, he would have put in a little more effort to try to rectify what happened at the very least. Your guy continued to call you for weeks and then when you finally answered you confirmed to him that you didn't want anything to do with him. Understandably, he left you alone. He may try again in the future. Mine did not try at all. I received 2 text messages within a couple weeks of me moving out asking about info regarding the children. I can assume he is not interested in saving the relationship and has accepted this as the end of the relationship. This is my conclusion. I'm not holding on to false hope, I hope, but I do know what the plan is should I never hear from him ever again.

 

The whole thing is so confusing to me sometimes and I think you're right, all the research and reading is some sort of coping mechanism. I guess it is an attempt to make sense and validate.

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove, I too am thankful for Ms Darcy chiming in. I don't think I've been unrealistic about my situation. I have been trying my best to think of it from every angle. You and I do think very much alike and I value your opinion and thoughts. I don't think you have offered me false hope. You've always been very realistic when offering support. Please rest assured.

 

You and Darcy have made an excellent point in saying that I sternly put him in his place and made it clear I wanted nothing more to do with him...and then I am expecting him to come back to make amends. That is crazy making when I think about it. I don't do well with rejection either. I'm not very persistent. If the situation was reversed and I know I did something terribly wrong, if he clearly said he wanted nothing to do with me, I may offer my apologies, but I would be on my way rather than to continue to annoy him and risk further backlash. Maybe that is the case here, but I still feel that my anger and reaction was expected, I still think if he truly cared for me and knew he messed up, he would have put in a little more effort to try to rectify what happened at the very least. Your guy continued to call you for weeks and then when you finally answered you confirmed to him that you didn't want anything to do with him. Understandably, he left you alone. He may try again in the future. Mine did not try at all. I received 2 text messages within a couple weeks of me moving out asking about info regarding the children. I can assume he is not interested in saving the relationship and has accepted this as the end of the relationship. This is my conclusion. I'm not holding on to false hope, I hope, but I do know what the plan is should I never hear from him ever again.

 

The whole thing is so confusing to me sometimes and I think you're right, all the research and reading is some sort of coping mechanism. I guess it is an attempt to make sense and validate.

 

Okay good, I never want to do more harm, or "enable" unhealthiness by analyzing everything with you. If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it!

 

I'm with you, I would expect the exact same thing - for him to man up and apologize and try to fix things no matter what I may have said to him. I just think that trying to see what might be holding him back might lessen the pain a little bit rather than thinking that he just doesn't care, which probably isn't the case.

 

It's true that my guy did call and call, but he had the experience of knowing that I always gave in since we had been through the same thing a million times. I honestly can't even begin to count the number of times I got mad and upset and told him I was done. He would then text or call a couple days later, I would answer and fuss at him for a couple hours while he apologized and sweet-talked, and then we were back to good. It was a cycle. Your guy doesn't have that experience with you, of knowing that you didn't fully mean it when you said you were done and that you would be open to fixing things if he reached out.

 

I definitely want to respond more to your comments and questions in your post about my guy, so I'll do that after I get a couple things done.

 

The reading and research is definitely a coping mechanism and a way to make sense and validate what you're feeling. It really really helped me along the way, because I would have been completely lost otherwise, not knowing what the heck was going on with me or him, or where to go from there. It all helped me take things a bit less personally, as well, knowing that everything he was doing fit the "formula" of commitment phobes to a tee. Otherwise, I would have been even worse off, completely blaming myself and wondering why I wasn't good enough. So if it helps you, and you feel the need, keep doing it. It does have its drawbacks, I am sure - it keeps you stuck, it puts your mind in overdrive, it can be overwhelming and feel like information overload. But when you're in this place of deep hurt, you do whatever you need to do just to get by. You'll quit reading when you no longer have the need for it.

 

Be back in a bit....

[Ksol9]

I think the stages of going through a breakup alone is unhealthy regardless. You try your best to go through the motions in the best way you know how, but it is a low point in your life. I'm really depressed just thinking I am in the beginning stages.

 

Do you think if you didn't know your guy was in a relationship, you would have contacted him? There are times I just feel like contacting mine. I quickly stop myself because I don't think I would stand to gain anything.

 

I understand exactly how you feel about looking for clues on Facebook. I know it's unhealthy, but I guess I will stop or lose interest when it doesn't matter to me anymore. I went on his Facebook today and as I said, he doesn't go on very often anymore since we broke up. Today he posted a selfie of himself along with some other photos of the children. I could tell in the background he was at the mall. He still hasn't had a haircut..the beard is out of control. This must be his new look. He posted another photo of a t-shirt he found in one of the stores and it read...you cant handle the beard. Lol. No smile, no nothing. He doesn't usually smile in photos anyway..he has this serious look on his face. I was looking at his photo and I kept thinking to myself, I don't understand how he just let our relationship burn. He does not care. Maybe he is seeing someone that I know nothing about? He hasn't posted anything on Facebook because he knows I'm watching, but if he is casually seeing someone, how would I even know. My mind is just going in dark places. Anyhow, it doesn't seem like he has been doing much activities with the children which he normally would on the weekends and then post photos of it, I guess he decided to get out of the house today. Geez I miss them so much.

 

You made a good point about the experience you've had with your guy and his persistence. He knew if he continued to call, you would soften and then work things out with him. My guy has never had this experience with me. In most cases, I always was the one going to him to fix any problems or he would fix it immediately. I wouldn't give him a hard time or anything like that. It was only during the split, it was all in his hands, I didn't contact him, and it took him 2 months to come to me to say he wanted to work things out. Even then I didn't give him a hard time. This is the very first time I have rejected him. I don't think he has ever even seem me as mad as I was this time. Sometimes I wish I never met him. I wouldn't be in the position I'm in right now. This is pure hell.

[Ksol9]

I just thought of something..

 

There has been a few instances where there was conversation about the children being sent to live with their mother in Colorado. The teenage daughter especially. There were a few times he felt he couldn't handle it and thought it would be best to send her to stay with her mom for a bit. After much thought, he decided against seperating the children and interrupting her school year. He also felt that once he sent them, it would be very difficult to get them back from the mother. She wants to have primary custody. We spoke about the subject quite a bit and he expressed he would like to keep them with him here in Florida but it's very unfair that their mother is not able to raise them. I agreed but I didn't say much because I felt it wasn't a good idea to put too much input. It just occurred to me that since the daughter is now a teenager and may need her mother's influence along with the added responsibility since I'm not around to help, he would send them back to live with their mother. Maybe he doesn't feel it's best to keep custody sole custody of them and will see them on holidays and during the summer. This way he could focus on work. Especially since work may require travel. Now that I am gone, he doesn't have anyone to watch the children when he is working and so on. I'm thinking its a very high possibility that he will send the children back to live with their mother.

 

Furthermore, if his job requires travel, he wouldn't want to jump back into a committed relationship with me. Now that trust is out the window, it would be more trouble than it's worth to try to continue the relationship. I remember before I left, we had dinner with his boss and they just signed a contract for work in another city 6 hours away. At the time, he said he wouldn't have to go because he had us, myself and the children, but if he doesn't have the children and me, he would totally go. What would stop him?

 

This just came to mind and maybe that is another reason he is letting the relationship go.

[lostlove76]

Okay, starting here and then I'll read and reply to the most recent.

 

Lostlove, I meant to ask you...

 

In your experience with your on and off relationship, were there any attempts to break the cycle of breaking up and getting back together? Have you read about this? Is it something you both spoke about?

 

You mentioned that after giving him the ultimatum he continued to try to talk for a few weeks. Had he given you some time to cool off, not contacted you for some, then called to talk it through, do you think you would have spoken to him? My thinking is that he wanted to save the relationship someway, somehow but because you didnt answer, he decided to take a plunge with this woman. He had met her just in time and being with her was a way to "move on" from what happened with you. I don't much thought was put into starting this relationship with her. It occupies him since you are no longer in the picture. I hope I'm making sense.

 

That does make sense, and I really hope you're right! The scenario you described would be so much less hurtful than the one I keep telling myself - that he dropped me for her. He was already interested and attracted to her since meeting her some time in the month or two prior to the end of us, I do know that. I don't really know how far it went when they met. When he told me about her, I said well where is she now? And he said he didn't know. So they didn't maintain a connection or exchange numbers. I think he found her on Facebook AFTER I told him we were done, because she was added to his friend list a few hours after we had our second to last conversation. He still kept trying to call for two and a half weeks. Then when I answered, I brought her up, of course. I kept calling her "some trashy girl on the beach" lol, and he eventually asked me to quit calling her that. He still said he was in love with me. Said again he was coming to get me. But I didn't believe any of it, because I felt like he wouldn't be interested in this other woman if he truly loved me. So I just gave him hell and finally hung up and that was the last time we talked. He tried calling a few times after I hung up, but not again until another couple weeks had passed. By that time, I knew she had been back down there and that she was probably staying with him. And I could tell that she went back home for a few days and that was why he was calling me (all info I gathered from fb). I didn't want to be a backup, so I didn't answer.

 

But to answer your question about whether I would have talked to him if he had given me time to cool off... I think I probably would have. I would have ignored the first few times he tried, and then answered. IF and only IF he hadn't been with this woman. Knowing he had been with her just ruined any last shred of trust I had in him. If she wasn't in the picture, things would have been different. I still would have resisted for a while because I was so upset that he kept putting me off about living there, but I'm sure I would have caved eventually, because I did love him and didn't really want to lose him.

 

I haven't read much about on/off relationships, and he and I never talked about it. He's not the type to have a serious conversation about fixing things. He'll go along with it and say everything he's supposed to say, but that's about it. He's just so commitment-phobic, which he has admitted to, that it was always more of a live-in-the-moment situation despite his future talk.

 

Back to what you were saying about him wanting to continue the relationship... I feared, even as he was calling over and over, that when she showed back up down there, he would be dropping me for her. She was there, and I was 4 hours away. She was new and exciting. I think I would have felt worse if I waited for him to phase me out and her in. I wanted to be the one to call it quits, for my own dignity and self-respect. But who knows what would have happened if I didn't tell him I was done. Maybe he never would have sought her out on Facebook. I just think eventually he would have run into her, because it's a small town, and she would have gone back regardless because she grew up there and wanted to be there.

 

My worry about on/off relationships is this: If they get caught cheating, and we take them back - even if we make it really hard for them to come back - they might still think they got away with it once, so they can get away with it again and know that we'll forgive and come back. A lot of guys will do that. I think it takes a certain level of maturity and readiness to settle down for them to learn from their mistake the first time and not do it again. I also worry that any time they feel overwhelmed and in need of a "break," they'll just create some disturbance (like cheating), let us get mad and go away for a little while, and then come after us when they're ready to resume. I'm not sure if your guy would do this, but it's something to consider. Then you have those who are simply low on impulse control and will do whatever feels good in the moment, despite what they may have said or decided previously.

 

Is your guy a borderline alcoholic? You said he drinks a lot. Mine is a full blown alcoholic. I don't even know if I've told you that! Seems strange I wouldn't mention it, but I've never really minded it. Everyone I've talked to is convinced that it plays a major factor in how he behaves, and it probably does.

[lostlove76]

I think the stages of going through a breakup alone is unhealthy regardless. You try your best to go through the motions in the best way you know how, but it is a low point in your life.

How awful it would be to go through it alone. Thank goodness for this site. Sometimes friends and family may get a bit tired of talking someone through it, or run out of things to say. But here, there is always someone willing to help you work through the feelings.

 

I'm really depressed just thinking I am in the beginning stages.

It will get better, though. I'm better now than I was at your stage, for sure. Yes, I still have low days, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was in the beginning. Relief will eventually come for you, too. You're in the stage of intense hurt every minute of every day, and it's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. But I promise you it won't last forever.

 

Do you think if you didn't know your guy was in a relationship, you would have contacted him? There are times I just feel like contacting mine. I quickly stop myself because I don't think I would stand to gain anything.

No, even if she wasn't in the picture, I wouldn't dare contact him. For many reasons: fear of rejection or being ignored, stubbornness, pride. Mostly what makes it easy for me not to contact him, though, is the knowledge that it would feel MUCH better if it came from him. And it gives him complete space to think about what he did and whether or not it's worth it to him to try to fix it. He's the one who messed up, so he's the one who needs to fix it. Me reaching out would make me feel like a doormat or something, like I was willing to be available to him no matter what he did. That's how I'm afraid he would see it, anyways. I'm not suggesting you should feel the same way, just saying that's how I personally feel.

 

I understand exactly how you feel about looking for clues on Facebook. I know it's unhealthy, but I guess I will stop or lose interest when it doesn't matter to me anymore.

Yes, I agree. It really takes a lot of energy NOT to look, and if you're expending that much energy white-knuckling it, then you're still staying stuck where you are. And eventually you'll probably cave and look anyways. It's a lot more "dangerous" for me to look at mine than it is for you to look at yours, since I know he's in a relationship and I'm bound to see evidence of it, which hurts. If it ever reaches that point with your guy, then you will probably want to reconsider looking. But for now, it seems pretty benign to me (even though 99% of other people would tell you otherwise! so take what I say with a grain of salt).

 

Maybe he is seeing someone that I know nothing about? He hasn't posted anything on Facebook because he knows I'm watching, but if he is casually seeing someone, how would I even know.

IF he's seeing someone - and there is zero evidence that he is - then I would consider it a rebound, an attempt not to deal with hurt emotions. I don't really think he's seeing anyone. But if you at some point find out that he is, just keep that in mind, that it's most likely a rebound and a distraction. I know I'm contradicting myself here since I just called it benign, but that's the danger of looking at facebook - if you ever do see evidence that he's seeing anyone, it's going to hurt. You won't know the extent of the situation, and your imagination will start running wild. But at this point, I wouldn't think that he is. He has enough going on with work and the kids without jumping into something new right now.

 

Anyhow, it doesn't seem like he has been doing much activities with the children which he normally would on the weekends and then post photos of it, I guess he decided to get out of the house today.

He may still be doing things and just not posting it since he knows you're watching. Just laying low, ya know?

 

This is the very first time I have rejected him. I don't think he has ever even seem me as mad as I was this time.

Yes, this time is very different than the other time(s). He got caught doing something major, and you were rightfully upset. So he really doesn't know how you would react if he reached out. The thought of rejection can be scary, as we know.

 

Sometimes I wish I never met him. I wouldn't be in the position I'm in right now. This is pure hell.

I know I'm sure I would be better off right now myself if I had never met mine, but I'm still glad I had the experiences with him that I had. Just like the cliche saying goes, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I know what you mean and how you feel, though.

[lostlove76]

I just thought of something..

 

There has been a few instances where there was conversation about the children being sent to live with their mother in Colorado. The teenage daughter especially. There were a few times he felt he couldn't handle it and thought it would be best to send her to stay with her mom for a bit. After much thought, he decided against seperating the children and interrupting her school year. He also felt that once he sent them, it would be very difficult to get them back from the mother. She wants to have primary custody. We spoke about the subject quite a bit and he expressed he would like to keep them with him here in Florida but it's very unfair that their mother is not able to raise them. I agreed but I didn't say much because I felt it wasn't a good idea to put too much input. It just occurred to me that since the daughter is now a teenager and may need her mother's influence along with the added responsibility since I'm not around to help, he would send them back to live with their mother. Maybe he doesn't feel it's best to keep custody sole custody of them and will see them on holidays and during the summer. This way he could focus on work. Especially since work may require travel. Now that I am gone, he doesn't have anyone to watch the children when he is working and so on. I'm thinking its a very high possibility that he will send the children back to live with their mother.

 

Furthermore, if his job requires travel, he wouldn't want to jump back into a committed relationship with me. Now that trust is out the window, it would be more trouble than it's worth to try to continue the relationship. I remember before I left, we had dinner with his boss and they just signed a contract for work in another city 6 hours away. At the time, he said he wouldn't have to go because he had us, myself and the children, but if he doesn't have the children and me, he would totally go. What would stop him?

 

This just came to mind and maybe that is another reason he is letting the relationship go.

 

I wish I could tell you that none of this will happen, but he could very well be weighing all his options. You don't know that, though, and I think if you start worrying about any of the above happening, you're just going to torture yourself even further. It's pretty much worst case scenario, which is always where our imaginations tend to take us. So I would say to keep a small part of you prepared for it, so that you won't be blindsided, but don't assume that it will happen, or spend a lot of time worrying about it. Easier said than done, I know.

 

If it does happen, I think you're just going to have to tell yourself that it was out of your hands. You didn't make those decisions, he did. He's the one who allowed the relationship to fall apart in the first place by doing what he did. He's the one who chose fear or pride over fixing the relationship. It's all on him. That's what I have to tell myself about my guy having moved away; he chose to do it, and there was nothing I could have done to stop him. I wouldn't have wanted to even have to stop him. You want their decision to stay with you to come entirely from them, because then it means a lot more. That's my opinion, anyways.

 

And hey, if he does let the children go to Colorado, and starts traveling for work, and lets this relationship go, he's probably not going to be happy. And then he really will see what he lost. Work isn't everything. People are what matter.

[Ksol9]

Having such a difficult morning. Woke up feel so discouraged. I feel like hope is long gone. There is too much against us. You made some excellent points. I think it's in human nature to take things and people for granted...to think this will last forever mentality. Most rarely think of worst case scenarios when you're in the moment. On and off relationships fit into this category. It becomes predictable that this person will always come back or this person will always call to fix, but all good things come to an end...sooner or later.

 

My guy and I have had our troubles, but this seems to be the end of the road for us. It's been 1 month since I confronted him about the emails. No I love you's no I miss you's. What am I hanging on to? I feel like I've been in a cloud of dust or something for the last month. Today I'm feeling like I'm starting to see through it, as if I'm seeing my surroundings. I'm a fool to think if he hasn't come to me like adult to sort this out already, he isn't coming. There have plenty of instances where pride didn't get in the way and he told me how he felt or he showed up unexpectedly at my job asking to talk. I understand these circumstances we are facing now are quite extreme, but for me, if I didn't want to lose someone because I knew my intentions were good, I wouldn't let them walk.

 

Loyalty...this doesn't feel right. Someone who was so important to me. Someone who was so much apart of my life, my family. How do you go weeks without talking to that person? It feels unnatural. There must be a good reason this is happening the way it is. I don't care how many times I look at his Facebook, torturing myself. It can't be any worse than what I've already been through. This pain is unexplainable. I agree with you on so many levels. Even how you feel about your guy, letting him go, and allowing him the one to make things right. It's not your duty.

 

With your guy, the way it appears to me...he tried to save your relationship. There was a last attempt and then he went to someone else to try to move on. He is an unhealthy relationship. Will it smooth out and become right for him? Of course there are always possibilities. People find love in the strangest places and they live happily ever after. But I don't see this happening. For some reason, I don't see this being the end of your relationship. He is trying to move on because this is the path he thought you chose for the both of you. Maybe he would have started this relationship with her regardless of you holding on, but I just see this was inevitable. You guys have to go through this. I could be wrong, but I see him contacting you eventually. it could be now or later, you may have even moved on by that time...things happen so unexpectedly.

 

Call me naive but I don't really know how to identify an addict. Maybe I choose to have a blind eye. I don't know. I've never really been exposed to they growing up. My guy drinks beers almost daily after work. A 4 pack or a 6 pack is usual for mon-fri. On the weekends, he is drinking beers all day. On occasion, he will buy a bottle of liquor but we will have a couple of drinks together. Beer is his thing. Maybe he self medicates..I really don't know if that is normal or not. I grew up in a home where both of my parents only drank a mixed drink on occasion. I don't really know what an alcoholic looks like other than an apparent drunk.

 

As for the children moving and him moving for work, I really don't know. If that is the case, you are right...he won't be happy. He will be all alone. Sometimes I wonder if that may be what he really wants. I don't know anything that is going on in his life. I'm sure he is weighing all his options and thinking about the future just as I am. Things took a sharp turn for us. He always said that if he had to move, we would all be going together and that any decision we would make together. Now I'm no longer in that picture so I'm sure his plans are being well thought out.

 

Too much time has passed. A whole month and no calls or texts. I feel like I'm giving up hope in hearing from him. He isn't going to own what he has done nor is he going to face it. The anger is gone. Im just left with rubble.

[lostlove76]

I'm sorry you're feeling so discouraged I know how hard it is, feeling sad and depressed day in and day out with no letup at all. It's a horrible thing to have to go through.

 

I really don't think he's happy, either. How could he be, when he lost what he lost? I think it's just going to take him longer. Remember how last time, he said he thought of you and missed you every day during those two months. I'm sure he's doing the same now. I'm sure you're never far from his mind. He's probably wondering what you're thinking, as well, and maybe even hoping to hear from you. It's so hard to know when there's nothing but silence; he's experiencing the same silence too, though, on his end, and doesn't know what you're thinking either. I just can't imagine him letting this be over for good. It's an awful lot for him to give up, just like that. You fit well into his family life, and I'm sure that's not easy to come by when you have kids. It's just so frustrating that he is being completely passive and making no efforts. I don't think it's because he doesn't care, though. Like I've said before, it could be any of a dozen reasons that he's not contacting you. I wouldn't lose hope until the 2-month mark has passed, and then it might be time to start considering it over.

 

Call me naive but I don't really know how to identify an addict. Maybe I choose to have a blind eye. I don't know. I've never really been exposed to they growing up. My guy drinks beers almost daily after work. A 4 pack or a 6 pack is usual for mon-fri. On the weekends, he is drinking beers all day. On occasion, he will buy a bottle of liquor but we will have a couple of drinks together. Beer is his thing. Maybe he self medicates..I really don't know if that is normal or not. I grew up in a home where both of my parents only drank a mixed drink on occasion. I don't really know what an alcoholic looks like other than an apparent drunk.

 

Hmm. I don't know if that would be called an addiction, either. I'm kind of naive about it myself. But it sounds like he drinks every single day, and there has to be some reason for that. Perhaps self-medicating, like you said. My ex drinks every single day to the point of being wasted. It doesn't sound like your guy does that. I don't know if his drinking really has any relevance to anything we've been talking about here. But when someone drinks too much, it of course lowers their impulse control, and causes other behavioral problems either in the moment or over time.

 

With your guy, the way it appears to me...he tried to save your relationship. There was a last attempt and then he went to someone else to try to move on. He is an unhealthy relationship. Will it smooth out and become right for him? Of course there are always possibilities. People find love in the strangest places and they live happily ever after. But I don't see this happening. For some reason, I don't see this being the end of your relationship. He is trying to move on because this is the path he thought you chose for the both of you. Maybe he would have started this relationship with her regardless of you holding on, but I just see this was inevitable. You guys have to go through this. I could be wrong, but I see him contacting you eventually. it could be now or later, you may have even moved on by that time...things happen so unexpectedly.

I really hope you're right

 

SIGH!!! Why can't this all be easier? Why can't it be that you find someone you love, and you stick with them and don't do anything to majorly screw it up. It makes no sense to ruin a good thing.

 

I have to be somewhere in a couple of hours and then for the rest of the evening, but I'll try to check in again before I leave, and I'll be around when I get home tonight and will check in then as well. Hang in there! I know it's tough.

 

Hugs

[Ksol9]

All day I've been thinking, "Wow, it's been one month....one month." As I was pulling into work today, I saw him drive by again. I know he has no reason to drive down that road. I thought maybe it was just a coincidence when I saw him once or twice, but I see him driving by almost everyday. It's pretty funny that each time he drives by I catch him...I'm either pulling in, pulling out, or standing outside. I just can't come to terms with the silence between us. I'm doing all I can to move on with my life, but it's never enough. I still feel completely broken. I don't understand why he doesn't care to talk to me.

 

As you said, he may fear rejection or feels I want nothing to do with him, maybe he is even thinking I will contact him when I'm ready, but it's just disappointing to know he doesn't care enough to try. I am just left alone to think the very worst. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but my ex before the recent relationship was very much like your guy. I would never call him. He would always be the one calling. I knew he wouldn't go long before he called me again, so my pride was sky high. He never cheated, but I should have left him sooner than I did. When I finally picked up and left him, he tried and tried to get me back. When he realized I wasn't coming back, he tried to find things to occupy himself. He became addicted to pain medications, joined the gym, and even met a nice bartender to hang out with. Their relationship became physical and he was still calling hoping to get me to come back. When I found out they were in a relationship I completely cut him out of my life and I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. He still tried every so often to contact me. This was years ago. I recently ran into him. We spoke briefly and buried the hatchet. He said he realized he was never going to be able to get me back while he was involved with the bartender....mind you he told me he fell in love with her shortly after meeting her. He said when the relationship ended..it was the best thing ever. He dated her for about 8 months and that he said it was a very dark time in his life. That was the way he coped with our breakup. He asked me out to dinner. I politely declined.

From my experience...most men would try to save the relationship no matter how wrong they were. I have never experienced something like this and I just can't wrap my head around it.

 

On the outside, my friends and family see this strong woman who stood up for herself, someone who didn't settle for lies and cheating, but they have no idea what is going on behind the scenes. I am broken and empty.

[Ms Darcy]

I can't help but wonder if you have rose colored glasses. You are spending so much time and mental energy on this man who probably isn't doing the same for you. AND might actually be online talking to other chicks - like he was during your relationship.

 

I hope one day you expect better for yourself.

[Ksol9]

Hi Ms Darcy,

 

Maybe I do have rose colored glasses on. I ask myself everyday if I am just in denial. Maybe I am not seeing things clearly. However, I did make one decision that I felt was best for me and that was picking up and leaving the day I found those emails. That was where I drew the line. Am I still hoping for change? Yes, but I haven't made a step toward him since I left and I won't unless I see real change. At this point, I am doubtful it will happen. I am fighting my thoughts everyday. Maybe this is a apart of the process. I wish there was a switch that I could easily turn off in my brain, but it's not that easy. I am a work in progress.

[lostlove76]

All day I've been thinking, "Wow, it's been one month....one month." As I was pulling into work today, I saw him drive by again. I know he has no reason to drive down that road. I thought maybe it was just a coincidence when I saw him once or twice, but I see him driving by almost everyday. It's pretty funny that each time he drives by I catch him...I'm either pulling in, pulling out, or standing outside.

It can't be coincidence. Once, maaaaaybe twice, would be coincidence, but no. He's doing drivebys. And why do people do drivebys? Because they're wanting to catch a glimpse of the person, see what they're up to, feel some tiny sense of closeness. You're on his mind.

 

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but my ex before the recent relationship was very much like your guy. I would never call him. He would always be the one calling. I knew he wouldn't go long before he called me again, so my pride was sky high. He never cheated, but I should have left him sooner than I did. When I finally picked up and left him, he tried and tried to get me back. When he realized I wasn't coming back, he tried to find things to occupy himself. He became addicted to pain medications, joined the gym, and even met a nice bartender to hang out with. Their relationship became physical and he was still calling hoping to get me to come back. When I found out they were in a relationship I completely cut him out of my life and I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him ever again. He still tried every so often to contact me. This was years ago. I recently ran into him. We spoke briefly and buried the hatchet. He said he realized he was never going to be able to get me back while he was involved with the bartender....mind you he told me he fell in love with her shortly after meeting her. He said when the relationship ended..it was the best thing ever. He dated her for about 8 months and that he said it was a very dark time in his life. That was the way he coped with our breakup. He asked me out to dinner. I politely declined.

Interesting story... So the bartender was a rebound, but he fell in love with her?

 

I would never call him. He would always be the one calling. I knew he wouldn't go long before he called me again, so my pride was sky high.

Yep! I became over-confident that mine would keep trying, that he wouldn't give up. I felt safe in ignoring him for a while to prove a point, because I didn't think he would stop. And he didn't, until things picked up with her. Then he completely stopped.

 

Something else my dad told me just popped into mind (I talked to him a lot about everything that was going on, all throughout the two years) - he always told me not to "end things" unless I was really sure that I actually wanted it to be over. Yet I ended things dozens of times within the two years.

 

From my experience...most men would try to save the relationship no matter how wrong they were. I have never experienced something like this and I just can't wrap my head around it.

My experience has actually been the opposite. This most recent ex is the only one who has ever pursued and tried to call so many times after the end. I can think of at least four guys who I ended things with, and they were apparently upset about it, but they stayed mostly silent afterwards. Just one example, and I can tell you about the others if you want, but don't want to bore you with lots of stories all at once lol -- There was a boyfriend I lived with in my mid-20's, and it just wasn't a good relationship. He was selfish and hurtful, and I was always crying and upset. Anyways, he was thinking about moving back home (four hours away) and wanted me to go with him, but I ended up just breaking up with him. I loved him, but it just wasn't a good situation. So he moved back home, and I called him a couple days later and we talked a little. And that was it, no more talking. This was before the days of facebook and prevalent cell phone usage, but neither of us tried to call each other's home numbers. A couple months later, I ran into his best friend downtown, and the guy said that my ex was pretty much miserable and had been thinking of moving back up here (to be with me). He had gotten a DUI, missed me, just wasn't happy. But I never would have known it if I hadn't run into his friend. We still never talked until 3 years later. So unfortunately enough, not all guys will pursue, even if they're broken up about it.

 

Maybe I do have rose colored glasses on. I ask myself everyday if I am just in denial. Maybe I am not seeing things clearly. However, I did make one decision that I felt was best for me and that was picking up and leaving the day I found those emails. That was where I drew the line. Am I still hoping for change? Yes, but I haven't made a step toward him since I left and I won't unless I see real change. At this point, I am doubtful it will happen. I am fighting my thoughts everyday. Maybe this is a apart of the process. I wish there was a switch that I could easily turn off in my brain, but it's not that easy. I am a work in progress.

Oh how I wish there was a turn-off switch! There just isn't. Some people stay attached longer than others. I was talking to someone today and telling her I didn't know why it was taking me this long to move on, and she said "Because you cared." So simple, and so true. So I would say the same to you - you're feeling what you're feeling, because you cared. You had a great deal of time and feelings invested in this man, so of course you are upset and unable to detach quickly. It sucks but it's entirely normal.