Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[rand100417]

I've been thinking so much about him and how this happened that I feel it has become an obsession. I don't want this to consume me anymore. All I think about is wanting to talk to him and I don't know why. It's not logical thinking. Only more grief will come from that, no closure or resolutions. I'm having a difficult time accepting that, once again, he let me down..he left everything on the floor. He has done this so many times throughout our relationship, I shouldn't be surprised by what is happening now. Everything is always my fault. This time it was his wrongdoing and still no words from him. Granted he may think he has done nothing wrong. His last words to me were along the lines of..I said hi, what's the big deal?!? That kind of attitude in him isn't going to change, even after the loss of this relationship. This is weighing heavily on my chest every single day. I can't continue like this, it's not right.

 

I feel like I need to take a break from everything excluding work. A break from my friends, family, counseling, Facebook, my phone, the Internet. I need to do some serious sorting out and I need to think about what it is that I want for myself. As it is right now, all I've been thinking about is why he hasn't contacted me. I don't know why I want to shut myself off from the world, but I'm feeling like it's what I need right now and I don't know if that is healthy thinking.

 

If you read about the neuroscience of grief, including break-ups, the obsessive nature is 100% normal, so don't beat yourself up about it. I feel like intelligence and/or having good problem solving skills may even make it worse - it's a problem that presents itself everyday and doesn't seem to have a solution.

 

Your thinking is completely healthy. I actually think I've been feeling better because I was able to do what you've described. I went to a house in the adirondacks with a family friend one weekend, there was no internet, and I did work from this book called "Getting Past Your Breakup: How to turn a devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you." During the times I felt a little better, I was able to see some girlfriends that I hadn't seen in a while. Another thing: I've been driving around in my car, taking trips when I can (went to beautiful places - Maine, etc.), listening to different podcasts: Joe Rogan (I love Joe Rogan), radio lab, different relationship podcasts, and even podcasts on emotional abuse recovery. I also got a class pass, which lets you take different exercise classes at different gyms - cool for switching it up, which I feel can be a good thing for your brain right now.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Glad to hear you're still hanging in there.

 

I completely understand you feeling like you are just waiting for their situation to fall apart. I think if I was in your situation I would feel the same. What you are feeling is normal and you are being honest about it. I too feel like I'm just waiting day after day for a phone call...except with me I don't see that phone call ever coming. That hope is fading and I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore. I just completely understand what you are going through and I know what you are feeling as I am going through the same thing. It truly feels like a constant battle. I also continue to look for clues online. I find bits and pieces and most of the time my mind comes up with terrible conclusions.

 

Today I came across an article about avoidant personalities. Wow...wrong move for me to be reading about that right now. Although he may fit the criteria to some extent, I'm no one to be diagnosing. My mind began to wander in very dark places. I kept thinking...omg what if this guy is somewhat narcissistic and was just playing me like a fiddle. What if he has some very deep fears for closeness and intimacy. Relationships with avoidants are next to impossible to be healthy muchless successful. They are extreme commitment phobes. I just shouldn't have read about it in my unstable emotional state. I did, however, buy the men are from Mars book on kindle. Will be reading tonight. Thank you for the suggestion.

 

That is another reason why I feel like I need a time out from everything. Almost like I need to shut my brain off by isolating myself for a little while. My mind is so saturated with all kind of conclusions that I have come up with that I don't even know what is realistic or not. After reading that article, I literally thought for a minute that this guy could be a total looney. Lol I quickly realized that I'm just trying to fill in the blanks. Just like you I want to understand how he could just walk away. I want to know that he still cares and I want to feel validated. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I received a text message stating I love you..I don't want this to be happening to us right now...this is not what I want...and upon sending the screenshots, complete silence. I'm still in the very early stages, but I feel this breakup is so final that sometime think I may be in this agony for a long time to come...as long as I continue to hold on to him which could be many months.

 

I actually started writing this earlier. I fell asleep and I just woke up. I can't fall back asleep and ended up here. I woke up from a bad dream. He was with another woman. He was all over her and it was like I was viewing it through a screen or something. I also had his phone in my hand the entire time. Weird dream, but it was so bad that when I woke up I said thank goodness it was just a dream. I hate having these bad dreams. It makes things so much worse.

 

Not hearing from him makes me feel as if he's my enemy. I'm thinking the worst of him. That he was just using me and taking advantage. I caught him in something and he took off running. Why would I have any respect for someone like that. In this past month, I feel like he's probably been chatting up a storm with other women. At the same time, I understand everything you said about the grass isn't greener and that working to my benefit. When we split the first time, I'm almost certain this is what was going on, so when I came back, some of the women he was in contact with did not realize he was back in a relationship with me. He was not involved with anyone seriously, just chatting. They sent messages asking to go out for drinks, one sent a half naked photo. He did not accept, but he didn't decline. It was disrespectful. It was right as we got back together so I let it slide because I realized that once they realized he wasn't interested they wouldn't bother again and they didn't. They had his phone number and no one has ever called his phone. I figured he wasnt pursuing until I found the email.

 

If you've done something wrong and you love someone...you show them, you tell them, you make sure they know before you walk away..then respect their wishes. You give that person AND yourself time alone to think..to sort things out. Then maybe you can come back with a level head and a plan. Your guy tried numerous times before taking the plunge with this woman. I'm not saying what yours did was right, you have every reason to be upset with him and to feel abandoned, but I can understand how that happened. I know there's no protocol to follow, everyone is different. I think mine blantently doesn't care enough.

 

I'll be back later to respond to some of the other things you mentioned. Thank you so much for responding. I agree with much of what you said.

[lostlove76]

I completely understand you feeling like you are just waiting for their situation to fall apart. I think if I was in your situation I would feel the same. What you are feeling is normal and you are being honest about it. I too feel like I'm just waiting day after day for a phone call...except with me I don't see that phone call ever coming. That hope is fading and I don't even know what I'm waiting for anymore. I just completely understand what you are going through and I know what you are feeling as I am going through the same thing. It truly feels like a constant battle. I also continue to look for clues online. I find bits and pieces and most of the time my mind comes up with terrible conclusions.

Hi ksol. It kind of feels like the days are just dragging on, every day the same as the last, doesn't it? I appreciate that you understand what I'm feeling. A lot of people would think I should have moved on by now, but it's not that easy when your heart still yearns for someone. Similar to what you're saying, I was thinking to myself earlier today that I'm just waiting around for absolutely nothing. Nothing is likely to happen, and yet here I am, day after day, wishing that something would. I feel sure that in the end, all the waiting will have been for nothing. I feel like you have a much better chance of hearing from yours than I do, though. I know a month seems like a long time, but it took him two months last time. At my three months, and with him in another relationship, far too much time has passed to have any realistic hope anymore. With you, I believe it's too early to tell what's going to happen. If another month passes without a word, then I would maybe rethink that a bit.

 

Today I came across an article about avoidant personalities. Wow...wrong move for me to be reading about that right now. Although he may fit the criteria to some extent, I'm no one to be diagnosing. My mind began to wander in very dark places. I kept thinking...omg what if this guy is somewhat narcissistic and was just playing me like a fiddle. What if he has some very deep fears for closeness and intimacy. Relationships with avoidants are next to impossible to be healthy muchless successful. They are extreme commitment phobes. I just shouldn't have read about it in my unstable emotional state.

Oh goodness, I'm sorry that reading about it had that effect on you I know I've mentioned it to you, and suggested you read about it. I've read all of those articles - about avoidant attachment and narcissism and commitment phobia. My guy fits all three; he has even admitted to being narcissistic and commitment-phobic, and is fully aware that he has issues. On the one hand, yes, it can feel extremely discouraging to consider that your guy might be these things. On the other hand, I feel like it helps explain what happened and can give you a little peace that it was nothing you did wrong. But you're right, we really can't diagnose. All we can do is make guesses as to why they behave the way they do.

 

I did, however, buy the men are from Mars book on kindle. Will be reading tonight. Thank you for the suggestion.

I look forward to hearing what you think. I believe it will give you more positive encouragement than the articles about avoidance. It helped me feel better when I read it. Knowing that the silent behavior (aka "man cave") is somewhat of a typical male trait might aid in understanding why he's not reaching out. Of course, that doesn't excuse it or make it okay, but it just helps to understand it a little better.

 

That is another reason why I feel like I need a time out from everything. Almost like I need to shut my brain off by isolating myself for a little while. My mind is so saturated with all kind of conclusions that I have come up with that I don't even know what is realistic or not.

I completely understand this! It can become overwhelming and exhausting to continually try to figure it all out, only to realize that you're no closer to a true conclusion than you were before. You'll think you've got it figured out, but then your mind will take a different turn and you come up with something completely different. You'll read one article and think it hits the nail on the head, and then read another with some opposing view point and think the same thing. Truly exhausting. It would probably be good for you to take a little break from both outside influence and overthinking, if you feel you need it. I think I've said this before, but sometimes more clarity comes when you stop thinking about something for a while and get a little space from it.

 

In this past month, I feel like he's probably been chatting up a storm with other women. At the same time, I understand everything you said about the grass isn't greener and that working to my benefit. When we split the first time, I'm almost certain this is what was going on, so when I came back, some of the women he was in contact with did not realize he was back in a relationship with me. He was not involved with anyone seriously, just chatting. They sent messages asking to go out for drinks, one sent a half naked photo. He did not accept, but he didn't decline. It was disrespectful. It was right as we got back together so I let it slide because I realized that once they realized he wasn't interested they wouldn't bother again and they didn't. They had his phone number and no one has ever called his phone. I figured he wasnt pursuing until I found the email.

I still feel like IF he's chatting with other women, it's all very superficial and is nothing but a distraction. And I do believe what I said about the grass not being greener, and this working to your benefit. It's not easy to find a good connection with someone. My ex got "lucky" because he found someone just as screwed up and flighty and selfish as he is, so I guess they (unfortunately for me) clicked. If not for her, I don't believe he would have easily found a connection to replace what we had. It's just not an easy thing to find. Casual sex is going to be hard to accomplish, as well, since he has the kids full time and works all the time. So if he's chatting it up with other women, I just don't see it going anywhere, and eventually he will get tired of the shallowness of it all and miss what he had with you.

 

If you've done something wrong and you love someone...you show them, you tell them, you make sure they know before you walk away..then respect their wishes. You give that person AND yourself time alone to think..to sort things out. Then maybe you can come back with a level head and a plan.

He obviously skipped the first part, but maybe the part I bolded is what he's doing. Giving you both space to figure things out. Respecting your wishes. I honestly feel like it's highly possible, if not probable, that he feels he is doing what he's supposed to be doing. He may have no clue that you are open to reconciliation. I don't believe it's that he doesn't care, although I know it feels that way. I agree that he most certainly SHOULD be apologizing and trying to make things work, but something is holding him back - not knowing how, avoiding confrontation, etc. Waiting for him to make a move is torture, I know.

 

As for my guy... he did try many times, and I'm glad that he did. At least I can tell myself, "well, he tried, and I made the decision to walk away." But honestly, I 99% feel that he was going to end up with this woman no matter what I did, and it was only a matter of time. He only continued calling me because she wasn't there yet. If we had kept talking, he would have just dropped me as soon as she arrived. Like you've been doing about yours... I keep telling myself that he just didn't care. And I really believe it, that he didn't care at all, or enough. I feel like he was able to just dump whatever feelings he had for me, and develop them with her, all within a very short period of time. So therefore, what we had must have meant nothing to him. I meant nothing to him, despite everything he told me about being in love with me. Additionally, when he kept calling, even if he didn't end up with this woman, his only goal was to keep the status quo with me. I needed more commitment and togetherness. I needed us living in the same place. He kept putting it off, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm still very hurt and angry by it all, and feel very betrayed, as I'm sure you can tell. Like I said earlier in this post, I don't even know why I keep waiting around for him anymore. Yet my heart just won't let it go...

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Thank you for responding. Youve made some excellent points that I wanted to go through and share my thoughts. In your most recent response, I am pretty much echoing how you are feeling right now. I feel that exact same way. I know it has only been one month, but I am very disappointed and discouraged at this point. I'm am feeling nothing but negativity hanging over me and I think it's mostly because of the uncertainty that I face daily and my lack of patience. I think you share this sentiment. It is not a good feeling. Not at all.

 

When they know that you'll eventually break down and make contact, it gives them no incentive to reach out. He knows that all he has to do is wait long enough, and he'll hear from you. I feel like whoever makes first contact, has the least power. It absolutely sucks that anything is ever about power and control, but unfortunately it is often this way - most especially in toxic relationships in which one or both partners don't have the emotional maturity to deal with things head on. None of this would even be happening if it were a healthy relationship, but since it isn't.... don't ever give your power away. You have more leverage to ask for change if he's the one to reach out first. But then again, it goes back to him needing to be in a place of really wanting to change. [/Quote]

 

This is what I keep trying to remind myself of...especially in times I feel like contacting him. I agree with you fully. If you do not wait for him to reach out, you will not know if he is in a position to make changes. You will feel much more secure knowing, this is what he wants. When my guy contacted me in April after being apart for 2 months, I was anxious to jump right back into the relationship. He explained that he didn't know what the next step would be after contacting me. I told him that we needed to talk and lay everything out on the table before we move forward. He had already thought this through and was prepared to talk. Now looking back, we didn't talk enough about things. I didn't ask as many questions as I should have. I rushed back and I would not do that again, no matter how much I want to try to repair our relationship. He would have to take some initiative and be more aggressive about reassuring me that he wanted the relationship for the right reason...just because of the broken trust, but that same mentality should have been used after the first breakup. I actually don't think he is capable of being proactive. He isn't this type of person at all. He's more easy going and is whatever about everything. That is why I am not expecting much from him at all.

 

I still feel like IF he's chatting with other women, it's all very superficial and is nothing but a distraction. And I do believe what I said about the grass not being greener, and this working to your benefit. It's not easy to find a good connection with someone. My ex got "lucky" because he found someone just as screwed up and flighty and selfish as he is, so I guess they (unfortunately for me) clicked. If not for her, I don't believe he would have easily found a connection to replace what we had. It's just not an easy thing to find. Casual sex is going to be hard to accomplish, as well, since he has the kids full time and works all the time. So if he's chatting it up with other women, I just don't see it going anywhere, and eventually he will get tired of the shallowness of it all and miss what he had with you. [/Quote]

 

I certainly hope you're right if there is in fact hope for us to reconcile. Realistically, I dont think he would jump into another relationship this quickly. He doesn't know many people here in the town we live in. I grew up here, so if he is chatting with other women, they are from his hometown..which is 3 hours away. I highly doubt he would be asking any of them to come visit him, much less stay at his home. The woman that he emailed the night he was out of town, was a woman he was involved with before he met me. It was just a casual sexual relationship, nothing serious. I remember very early in our relationship, she had tried to contact him..we were sitting on the couch watching tv. He told her nicely that he is in a relationship and would like her to respect that. She was saying how she was in love with him and basically begging. As soon as he said he didn't want to have any further contact with her and would block her, she became very bitter and angry. That was the end of her until we started having trouble in our relationship. Him contacting her when we had fights caused major problems. I keep thinking he has probably been chatting with her. She seems pretty trashy to me. She is married and has 3 small children. She said he never wants to talk on the phone and will mostly text, which would confirm anything I've ever seen. I don't think he has feelings for her at all, I think he was just looking for outlets. The bigger issue here is that during our relationship, he just wasn't ready to be serious...didn't want the commitment. I'm not angry about that. You can't make someone change or commit. That is why I have to be sure that he makes that decision on his own. I have told him numerous times in the past that he needs to figure out what he wants. He repeatedly told me that he wanted to be with me and that we are a family. Now looking back, he was obviously conflicted about that. He didn't truly know if he wanted to be in this committed relationship because if he did, he would not have jeopardized it in any way. Sometimes I think this is what he wants. Maybe he is happy with being alone, casual sex, no commitments. Time will tell I guess.

 

I remember you mentioning commitment phobia and avoidant personalities. I finally got around to reading about it and it wasn't a good experience at all. Some criteria he fit to a T, some no where close. I think I'll read more when I am a little more emotionally stable. Right now my thoughts are very negative when it comes to him. I come up with all kinds of crazy conclusions about him in his absence. I haven't started the men are from mars book..will be getting to it this weekend. I can't wait to read it because I do need a little peace of mind which I'm hoping it will offer.

 

He obviously skipped the first part, but maybe the part I bolded is what he's doing. Giving you both space to figure things out. Respecting your wishes. I honestly feel like it's highly possible, if not probable, that he feels he is doing what he's supposed to be doing. He may have no clue that you are open to reconciliation. I don't believe it's that he doesn't care, although I know it feels that way. I agree that he most certainly SHOULD be apologizing and trying to make things work, but something is holding him back - not knowing how, avoiding confrontation, etc. Waiting for him to make a move is torture, I know. [/Quote]

 

If the reason behind his silence is because he is respecting my wishes or feels helpless about what to do, then I sure hope he will find some strength and courage after he sorts himself out. Most of the things I worry about are really irrelevant. I left him for a very good reason. I'm not going back unless I see that we are both on the right track. When you are deep in the heart of a life experience like this, one of the hardest things to do is take a step back and look at the bigger picture objectively. I truly hope that he is not so distracted with other women or life in general to take time to sort things out in his mind. The email that I sent him is a clear indicator that I would not be open to reconciliation and he may feel I would never be open to reconciliation, but that was a month ago and those things were said when tension was high, I still feel that anyone in his position would at least try to reach out by now. I know you have said it is all a matter of time, but I strongly feel too much time has passed. It may have taken him 2 months the last time we split, but this is under completely different circumstances. I am not looking for him to apologize (which he should be doing), nor am I looking for him to beg or cry...I am looking for him to acknowledge that he did something to destroy our relationship. I want to know that he still cares. There is something in my brain that won't allow me to leave things as they are. There is something in my brain that is telling me that I need to hear something from him...regardless of if it leads to reconciliation or not. I think I'm so disappointed in him...he has let me down once again...I don't see much hope in hearing from him nor do I have much hope that he will come to me ready to make some changes.

 

Just like you, I feel that I am just waiting day after day for a text, a call, something. It really is torture and its extremely draining. I doubt he is suffering in the way that I am. During our first split, I did a substantial amount of reading about breaks in relationships. It's extremely common and people split for any reason under the sun....but the break was absolutely necessary in order for them to have a stronger relationship. I was obsessed with timeframes and any circumstance that I could compare to my own. It was all over the net. I read hundreds maybe thousands of experiences other people posted in forums and I've also read studies. Everything I found about my circumstances, how we split up due to pressure of making commitments and taking our relationship to the next level...even GIGS, showed that if there was a close connection between us, he would come back and that is exactly what happened. This time, it is very rare that I have read about a couple splitting due to infidelity, going NC for a long period of time, and then reconnecting. Most stories about infidelity, the partner who cheated feels guilt immediately, remorse followed. In most cases, the partner who did the wrongdoing, did not give up and walk away so easily. My brain is still very cloudy, but I don't see this having a good outcome. As much as others have said they feel he will surface sometime as it is still too soon, I don't think it is likely. I am treating this as I will be in suffering for a long time. I dread the thought of the months to come because I am picturing myself going through this pain and suffering for months.

 

As for you lostlove, you are so strong. You are very well educated and aware of what you are going through. You help me in countless way because you give me an outside perspective. In your situation, I feel that what happened with you and your guy, the situation is much like other stories I've read in forums. If you and your guy had a meaningful relationship, in which I believe you did, the possibility of him reaching out to you is very possible. To me, the way everything happened and with this relationship or whatever it is, it may take a bit longer for him to deal with the loss of your relationship. It just so happened that while you were ignoring him, this woman came along and he got caught up with her. That's not your fault, because you were doing what was right for you, and throughout the hurt that has to be your underlying platform. Depending on how long this relationship lasts, which I don't see it lasting very long, he will probably reach out shortly afterwards. At that point, do you think you would be open to reconciliation, do you think you could look past the hurt this relationship he had with this woman has caused you? I really try to look at things from both sides and I feel he hasn't reached out because he knows you would not tolerate what he is doing in his life right now. Has he ever spoken to you about working on alcohol recovery? Remind me again...is this the longest you guys have gone NC? There is so much opportunity when he does finally reach the point where he makes contact with you, but until then, I know it's sheer agony and for that I'm so very sorry.

 

My therapist told me something today that resonated with me. She said there few things in this life that provide as much therapy as solo travel. That instantly confirmed that I need to take a time out as I've been thinking of doing. It sounds so appealing right now to be sitting in a hotel overlooking the ocean with my laptop on my lap. Maybe I'll take a last minute trip somewhere for the holiday weekend. Hope you can do some relaxing this weekend lostlove....physically and mentally. Take care.

 

One last thing...my mantra really should be the fact that I am standing up for myself....and truthfully, it's for the first time ever. I think that is why what I'm going through feels so uncomfortable. If that means anything to you...you are truly doing what is right for you and through it all there has to be a larger picture here...something bigger to gain. Whether it's knowledge, experience, or a stronger, healthier relationship..maybe all three. Knowing that you are facing in the right direction, that alone will provide you some sort of peace.

[Ksol9]

I've been meaning to mention this, but I kept forgetting. He has not contacted me about his transponder that is used to get into his community nor has he said anything about his landlords furniture that is being stored in my parent's home. When we split the first time, the first thing he asked me for was the transponder, I guess because he didn't want me sneaking in the community. I wouldn't do that anyway, but he was in a hurry to get it back and has not made any mention of that or the furniture. Also, all of our pictures are still on his Facebook. I know it takes some time, I guess he'll remove it in time, but I still see all of these things as something. Maybe he's waiting for me to say something about the furniture and transponder. I don't know. Maybe I'm being silly looking for little clues again.

[ballerinababe]

I've been meaning to mention this, but I kept forgetting. He has not contacted me about his transponder that is used to get into his community nor has he said anything about his landlords furniture that is being stored in my parent's home. When we split the first time, the first thing he asked me for was the transponder, I guess because he didn't want me sneaking in the community. I wouldn't do that anyway, but he was in a hurry to get it back and has not made any mention of that or the furniture. Also, all of our pictures are still on his Facebook. I know it takes some time, I guess he'll remove it in time, but I still see all of these things as something. Maybe he's waiting for me to say something about the furniture and transponder. I don't know. Maybe I'm being silly looking for little clues again.

 

Hi Ksol9, I've read through your thread here. This guy sounds like a selfish jerk with terrible communication skills and a severe lack of integrity or trustworthiness. Please stop pining for him. I think you'd feel better if you contacted him and informed him that he had 1 week to figure out an alternative place to store his furniture. No way should he be getting free storage from you/your parents!!! Get his stuff OUT of your life and think of it as a symbol of getting him OUT of your mind!!!!! This guy makes me SICK and he is poisoning your life even 4.5 weeks after breaking up! Please just coldly inform him he needs to get his furniture OUT! All he's done is coldly asked you for bus stop info and passwords - I think he did that because 1) he needed the info, and 2) he wanted to show you how much he DIDN'T care about you and ONLY wanted the info. I don't think he was asking that info with the potential added bonus of hearing from you. I don't know why he keeps appearing around your work, but who cares at this point? He's a creep! Get him out of your mind and life and never look back! Once you do, you'll have the chance to find someone MUCH better!!!!

[ballerinababe]

Also, why don't you remove his pictures on your Facebook profile and de-friend (or better yet, block) him? Quit trying to read into his posts; it's only delaying your breakup recovery.

[lostlove76]

I've been meaning to mention this, but I kept forgetting. He has not contacted me about his transponder that is used to get into his community nor has he said anything about his landlords furniture that is being stored in my parent's home. When we split the first time, the first thing he asked me for was the transponder, I guess because he didn't want me sneaking in the community. I wouldn't do that anyway, but he was in a hurry to get it back and has not made any mention of that or the furniture. Also, all of our pictures are still on his Facebook. I know it takes some time, I guess he'll remove it in time, but I still see all of these things as something. Maybe he's waiting for me to say something about the furniture and transponder. I don't know. Maybe I'm being silly looking for little clues again.

 

Hi ksol. I just read your posts from earlier, and wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you

 

A solo vacation sounds amazing, and I think you should totally do it if you can! I wish I had the means and confidence to do that. I have driving anxiety, and feel self-conscious going places alone. But it does sound very peaceful, and I honestly think it would do you a world of good. Just the change of scenery alone would be worth it. I'm excited for you if you do go somewhere. You deserve a break from all of this. Even if it's still on your mind while you're gone - which it will be - it will still be mentally cleansing to just get away from the daily rut.

 

In reply to the post I quoted above...

I also feel that these things mean something. I've read many threads - here or elsewhere, can't remember because it's been awhile - written by posters wondering why their ex hasnt yet picked up their stuff. Some of the posters even tried very hard to give it back to them, and kept getting put off about it. My opinion, and the opinion I saw in replies, is that it's to keep the door open. The exchanging of stuff, or keys (or transponders), signifies some solid end to the relationship. So I think it's a good sign that he hasn't asked for any of it back. It's certainly not a bad sign, anyways. Same with the pictures. I feel it means he's still hanging on and not ready to let go. I'll reply to the rest of what you said in the previous post when I can quote.

 

A mini-update on my situation, which will undoubtedly sound stupid to anyone else who is reading here, but I know you'll understand! I wasted most of my day away trying to figure out what's going on with things between him and married woman based on something I saw on Facebook earlier. I saw something where she said that family is visiting this weekend. So I've been trying to figure out if "family" means her husband and daughter. Remember recently she was posting to him to "come visit your wife." She doesn't have much family, so I'm really hoping this is what's happening. However, her husband posted a profile picture update this evening that makes me wonder if he is there or not. Sorry to keep this a bit vague on details - I'm paranoid about my ex one day finding this. Anyways, I really can't tell if the husband is going there or not. If he is, I see it as a great sign of course. But I'm just not sure. Then I started getting paranoid that she meant HIS (my ex's) family and was just calling them her own, which would be an awful sign. I'm really just torturing myself looking for all these clues, hoping they mean something good but then worrying they mean something bad. I know you know how that feels. It's really hard not to obsess over it. This is just the way my mind works. I analyze everything, especially things that matter to my heart. I'll of course let you know if I figure anything else out. Like we've both said before, I'll stop doing this when I no longer care I guess.

 

Hang in there! I'll reply to the other shortly. I'll probably be up a while, too, so I'll check in every now and then if you can't sleep and need to write some more. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

I took some NyQuil and I actually slept through most of the night. I woke up around 6 something. I'd really love to go out of town, but unfortunately I didn't plan to go anywhere this weekend. I would have liked to plan ahead of time, so I don't think I'll be going anywhere. Also I'm not sure with this storm here in Florida. I think it has passed us already, but there are news reports of flooding and so forth so I wouldn't want to get stuck in any of that should I choose to drive. I'll be ok at home this weekend.

 

As for his furniture and transponder, I think because he is avoiding having any type of conversation with me, he's choosing not to ask for any of his things. His lease is up at the end of the year so he may or may not ask for it then. Knowing him, if we don't reconcile, he will pay the fines associated with the loss of the furniture and transponder. He will be too embarrassed to show his face around here. I no longer have Facebook, but all of my pictures and videos of us together are still there on his Facebook. He's probably not ready to erase everything yet and with our history of breaking up and then getting back together, he's just waiting a little while I suppose. Another poster suggested something that actually was my thoughts the day I received the text message..And yes on the surface that is what I took it as...he does not care. His actions speak alone. He knew I was extremely angry and didn't want anything to do with him. I don't think he sat in a corner and said hehe I'm going to show her I don't give a hoot about her when I ask her for passwords and wish she is well in sarcasm. No, I don't think it was meant that way at all. I simply think he needed something from me and asked politely. He avoided talk about the cheating because he just doesn't care to talk about any of it. I still get very upset about that. I've never even received an apology. He sat in a hotel room emailing another woman while I lay awake in bed at home with his children. That is without a doubt wrong! That is a violation in my book. The answer I got from him was...I just said hi, what's the big deal?! That IS sickening. I'm not in a rage over it anymore. He probably doesn't even have a legitamate real reason why he did that. that senseless mistake cost him this relationship..and quite frankly, I don't think he cares. If he did, he would have tried to save it already. He doesn't know how to deal with conflict nor does he know how to communicate. As result, he doesn't deal with it period.

 

And lostlove don't ever feel stupid for anything you write here about checking up on him via Facebook. I think the same when I write about looking through his Facebook or that he drives by. Those things virtually equal nothing, but we are human. Maybe our experiences will serve to help others in our situation.

 

Facebook can definitely give you little bits and pieces of what he's up to, but unfortunately you don't get the whole story. It sounds like she is having family come visit, no sure which family. That means they'll most likely stay in a hotel or with other family. How do you know she is still staying with your guy? How do you know they're still linked? Something just tells me they don't have a serious relationship at all and I don't think it's your guys family either...not at all. If it was so, you would see more evidence of a serious relationship between her and your guy. You would see pictures of them together and she would probably say in particular "his family". I think her family is coming so she will be spending time with them.

 

You always tell me that my guy could be thinking I want nothing to do with him and he is just doing what he thinks he should be doing...moving on with his life. I could say the same for yours. If in their mind they don't reaching out as an option, for whatever reason, negative thinking would tell him...she wouldn't answer, she'd reject me, it probably won't work out, ect. Maybe he thinks reaching out is not an option. At the same time, I've read this all over the Internet and my past experience is proof of it...when a man wants a woman to be in his life, nothing will stop him, he will reach out for her. For you remember my earlier thread, I never thought there was a chance he would change his mind. I thought his decision was set in stone. Yet he did change his mind about everything he said was not a possibility for us. This time around...who knows, he may see this just as I see it...a lost cause. With you, I still think it may take a while since he's involved with someone else, but I do think he will try to contact you again.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove76, I went to Starbucks this morning and I decided to sit and read a bit. I started reading the men are from Mars book. I can't wait to get more into it which I plan on the rest of the weekend.

 

I got side tracked for a little bit. I googled something along the lines about avoidants reaching out after breakups. The more I read I saw a lot of similarities in him. Avoidants want to reach out, but can't. They hope and hope that you will reach out to them regardless of who is at fault. They explain the push and pull which I'm familiar with. I immediately remember a time earlier on in our relationship. We got into a small disagreement. I stayed out much of the day running errands. We weren't living together yet. By the end of the night, we spoke...I told him that I felt disconnected from him because we didn't talk much. The conversation was very light. He was explaining that anytime there is an issue between us, like that night, he said I should just show up at his house and that would have been an easier way to approach the issue. He explained that I should be spontaneous in reaching out to him. That might not make sense to others and it didn't to me at the time, but I always remember that incident. He doesn't take initiative to reach out and it is because he is so avoidant. There is insecurity there I've always felt this. Of course I found difficulty in that because I am used to allowing my guy come to me...as learned from my previous relationship to this one.

 

Anyhow, this is what relationships are about. Getting to know the other person, their ins and outs, and how they operate in order to make things work. Yes, some people just click, but not everyone is so predictable. There are some people who are just complicated by nature Because of past experience or upbringing.

 

My point being, aside from the major issue being that he cheated, I think the reason it takes him a great length of time to reach out, as evidenced by our last split, is because he finds great difficulty in doing this. He has always been that way throughout our relationship, regardless of who is right or wrong. We split this time over something so major, so destructive, that I think he won't try to reach out to me anytime soon if at all.

 

Facebook...just something funny I noticed. Anytime we have had a problem in our relationship with me leaving or us breaking up, he changes his profile pic. The last three profile pics that he has changed have date stamps during our splits. I remember telling him that the date records of our splits are shown in the frequency of him changing his profile pics. We had a good laugh over that. He changed his profile pic this morning. The last one was changed in March, which was in the middle of our split. Just thought this was funny....

[lostlove76]

Facebook can definitely give you little bits and pieces of what he's up to, but unfortunately you don't get the whole story. It sounds like she is having family come visit, no sure which family. That means they'll most likely stay in a hotel or with other family. How do you know she is still staying with your guy? How do you know they're still linked? Something just tells me they don't have a serious relationship at all and I don't think it's your guys family either...not at all. If it was so, you would see more evidence of a serious relationship between her and your guy. You would see pictures of them together and she would probably say in particular "his family". I think her family is coming so she will be spending time with them.

Hi ksol. I woke up to a really bad day. I got my hopes up yesterday that maybe her husband was the family that was going to visit, although I wasn't sure. Well today when I woke up, she and my ex had added each other back on facebook, and he also added a friend of hers. I can't imagine that he would re-add her if her husband was going down there. And yet I'm still hanging on to some teeny hope that maybe the husband's travel was delayed for a day (there was really bad weather yesterday and she said in that facebook thing I saw that she was worried the drive would be dangerous) and that he'll show up down there today. Denial and bargaining, I guess. This is so over between my ex and I, and has been for a long time now. You're so right about facebook not giving the whole story. I'm allowing the bits and pieces of info to determine my moods every day, and it's really keeping me in this state of waiting and false hope. And yet I don't even want to stop looking.

 

You asked how I know she's staying with my guy... I saw pictures a few weeks ago of her and all her crap in his apartment. I can tell it's his place because he sent me a picture of himself in it months ago. So unless he moved out and she moved in - which is doubtful - they're living together. I just don't understand it. She obviously still has feelings for her husband. Hopefully she's not serious about my guy and is just using him for a free place to stay at the beach. I'm quite sure that he's deeply attached to her, though. And since he's afraid of commitment, maybe it's perfect for him that she's still married. As for the lack of evidence of them being together on facebook... I'm betting that she's keeping it on the downlow since she's still married. She has her husband's family as facebook friends, and her teenage daughter, and other mutual friends. So she's just being sneaky. Her husband is supporting her daughter completely, so she still needs him in some ways. Ugh, such a horrible woman. And it really says a lot about my ex's lack of morals that he doesn't care that she's horrible.

 

Depending on how long this relationship lasts, which I don't see it lasting very long, he will probably reach out shortly afterwards. At that point, do you think you would be open to reconciliation, do you think you could look past the hurt this relationship he had with this woman has caused you? I really try to look at things from both sides and I feel he hasn't reached out because he knows you would not tolerate what he is doing in his life right now. Has he ever spoken to you about working on alcohol recovery? Remind me again...is this the longest you guys have gone NC? There is so much opportunity when he does finally reach the point where he makes contact with you, but until then, I know it's sheer agony and for that I'm so very sorry.

This is the longest period of NC, yes. I sooo wish I had your confidence that it will end with her, but I just don't see it happening - she wants to live where he's living, and it's very convenient to have a free place to stay. And I don't see him kicking her out, because I think he feels she's perfect for him (even though he told me that I was perfect for him, and she is my complete polar opposite). She has no money to live anywhere else. She seems done with her family, even while missing them. So this will just continue on as it has been, I'm sure. But IF it ended and he reached out, I'm not sure what I would do. Honestly, I think I would ignore him unless he offered full commitment and I felt that he was serious about it. If that were to happen, I do believe I would forgive and take him back. I just don't see it happening.

 

I do find comfort in your words, though, about why he likely gave up trying with me. It just all happened at the same time - she was there while I was trying my best to extract myself from what was a very hurtful relationship that was causing me so much pain and misery. She was there, all fun and new and exciting - and I wasn't there. I wasn't there in person at all (in his town), and I wasn't much there emotionally anymore either, since I was so upset with the whole situation. I still think he would have just dropped me for her eventually, but no use in dwelling on that now I guess. I broke things off with him before that could happen.

 

As for you lostlove, you are so strong. You are very well educated and aware of what you are going through. You help me in countless way because you give me an outside perspective.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really enjoy talking with you! You're also very strong, as well as intelligent and self-aware and well-informed. I feel like we're learning a lot from each other here And since we're both analyzers and over-thinkers, it's helpful to be able to exchange ideas and perspectives.

 

Just so that this doesn't get too long, and since it was mostly me venting my hurt feelings about him let me post this one and write a different post addressing everything else....

[lostlove76]

I remember you mentioning commitment phobia and avoidant personalities. I finally got around to reading about it and it wasn't a good experience

I'm so sorry that reading about it has had a bad effect on you. I agree that it can all be very discouraging and depressing. When I was doing all my research on the topics (you and I are going to be relationship and personality disorder experts by the time this is all over, lol), my thinking was that if I could just pinpoint the problem, then I could then figure out how to work around it. I was determined to make things work, no matter how gloomy the prognosis seemed from what I read. So that was my goal in mentioning it to you. I felt if you learned more about it, you'd have a better understanding of what you're dealing with, if he is in fact these things. It's not all black and white, though. He could have certain traits that fit CP and avoidance, but not be as bad as some people are.

 

He didn't truly know if he wanted to be in this committed relationship because if he did, he would not have jeopardized it in any way. Sometimes I think this is what he wants. Maybe he is happy with being alone, casual sex, no commitments. Time will tell I guess.

The good news (if you can call it that) about commitment phobes is that while they can't fully commit to being with you all the way, they also can't commit to being without you. So why is this good news? Because it keeps them coming back. I know you don't want the on/off nature to continue, but my encouragement is that he will probably eventually come back. From there, perhaps if you handle it in the right way (by accepting nothing less than full commitment and communication, as you've been talking about), perhaps it will stick this time around. I don't believe that he doesn't want something committed. I feel like he just has certain issues that make it hard for him to sustain the commitment.

 

I googled something along the lines about avoidants reaching out after breakups. The more I read I saw a lot of similarities in him. Avoidants want to reach out, but can't. They hope and hope that you will reach out to them regardless of who is at fault.

There's a test you can take online to see where you fall on the anxious/avoidance spectrum, and I actually came up as fearful-avoidant. There isn't as much info out there about fearful-avoidants as dismissive avoidants, so I don't fully understand it... but I know how I am, and I know that the small descriptions I've read do fit. To me, it feels like the worst mixture between anxious and avoidant. I experience traits of both. So in some ways, I can understand avoidance, and if you have any questions about that, please feel free to ask.

 

There have definitely been many many times (sooooo many times, thinking back) in my life when I've refused to reach out to someone, whether out of fear or stubbornness. I've done this with friends, family, and boyfriends. It isn't always this way. There are also times when I can, and will, reach out if I've done something wrong; or even if it was the other person who did wrong and I'm just ready to either talk about it or forget it and continue on. I'm trying to think how comparing myself to your guy and putting myself in his shoes could be helpful to you, but my thoughts feel a bit disorganized at the moment. Probably because I haven't eaten yet. I will say that for the majority of the times when I haven't reached out to someone, it wasn't because I didn't care. Oftentimes, it was quite the opposite.

 

Maybe I should eat and then come back and write more; my thoughts are getting a bit jumbled up because I'm so hungry! Be back in a bit...

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

I'm sorry you're having a difficult day. I know this is a very difficult time in your life. Facebook was the culprit behind your dampened mood and it was the reason for mine as well today. We pick and pull all these bits and pieces from what we see and at then end of the day, we still are unable to come to any SURE conclusions. It's so very unhealthy. If you are like me and feel that you may have reached your threshold, maybe you can consider taking a little break or going on less frequently. I try to tell myself to take whatever I see with a grain of salt. I can't explain why exactly we have chosen to dwell and ruminate obsessively, but it has to be something in our personalities that is preventing us from moving on. My therapist told me yesterday that there is something in my brain that feels if I were to hear from him or speak with him, it would make me feel better regardless of wanting to get back together or not. If I'm really honest, I do want to get back with him.

 

I mentioned before that since I broke up with him, he hasn't been going on facebook very frequently. We are still friends on facebook, so when I reactivate my account, I can see how long ago he had signed in. It seems like for the past few days he has been going on more frequently. He has been posting selfies and photos of the children, even sharing posts that interest him. There is definitely alot more movement that resembles normalcy on there. He posted a selfie of himself and his son today sitting at the pool having lunch. It is my impression that he is moving on with his life....as expected. I am still very much in darkness and depression over the breakup and that is what made my mood turn south today. Obviously, life goes on and I don't think he would be sitting in his room sobbing for the rest of his life, but I guess I'm just hoping for some sort of indication that he is thinking of me. It's all pretty ridiculous on my part. People break up and life goes on. He hasn't done anything about what happened between us because he simply doesn't want to. I would like to add though....before he contacted me in April, he was posting all kinds of pictures of himself and the children on a regular basis right before contacting me. I thought he had completely moved on with his life and was happy because that is the way it appeared. The day before he contacted me, he posted a photo of him making candy coated apples with the children. That photo devastated me...silly now that I think about it. To my surprise, the next day he contacted me and told me he was not doing well...that he wasn't happy. Moral of the story...facebook isn't a true representation of someone's life. It's not a window into their heart or mind. You may have been able to confirm that she is living with him, but you don't know that either of them are happy.

 

There's a test you can take online to see where you fall on the anxious/avoidance spectrum, and I actually came up as fearful-avoidant. There isn't as much info out there about fearful-avoidants as dismissive avoidants, so I don't fully understand it... but I know how I am, and I know that the small descriptions I've read do fit. To me, it feels like the worst mixture between anxious and avoidant. I experience traits of both. So in some ways, I can understand avoidance, and if you have any questions about that, please feel free to ask. [/Quote]

 

I actually took a test to determine my attachment style earlier today. It said I was anxious-preoccupied. He would definitely be dismissive-avoidant. They say those two attachment styles often get into relationships that are on and off in nature. I'm still reading quite a bit about each style, but it makes sense. Everyone has an attachment style. As you said you would research endlessly in order to figure out ways around it....that is basically my intentions when reading also. I'm just searching for a better understanding of why this is all happening. I try to take it all with a grain of salt as I said I'm no one to be diagnosing. I think it really just comes down to 2 people who did not communicate our needs to eachother. He did something terrible to destroy us and he didn't do anything to save it, so here I am. Sound simple? Not quite.

 

I think I could search and search online, I could read article after article, or I could stare at his facebook photos looking for indications or clues that he would eventually come back to talk and I still would never find a definite answer nor will I get any closer to saying it's likely. As it stands right now, he is so dismissive about the relationship that I don't think he is even thinking of me. I think, if anything, he is trying to forget. He is not doing what I am doing, he isn't preparing himself, he isn't hoping, and he isn't coming up with a plan to mend our relationship. I can almost bet my last penny on that.

 

I hope you were able to get a bite to eat and that you are feeling better. Hang in there.

[Ms Darcy]

You don't have to move on overnight. But actively doing things that keep you stuck is unwise ... like monitoring his Facebook.

 

It's ok for him to start moving on. It's a good thing.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. I kind of ran out of steam and ended up just laying down and feeling mopey the rest of the day. What a life, huh? Sometimes I feel like just giving up and accepting that I'll continue to feel this way forever, or at least for a very long time. I know that's just the depression talking and I'm just having a really bad day. All because he added her back on Facebook, ya know? It has absolutely ruined my day. Thank you for your story about how things aren't always as they seem on Facebook. I really have very little idea of what actually goes on with them. I still have no idea if her husband and the kids went down there, and if not them, then who? I can't keep doing this, waiting and waiting for something that just isn't going to happen.

 

I would say the same to you about things not being as they appear on his page. He may be actively trying to move on without it working - just trying to convince himself that he is okay. Or he may be trying to make you think he's moving on because he knows you're looking at his page. I've definitely done some version of that myself before. He may even call in a few days, given the pattern that happened the last time. I really don't think that he's moved on or doesn't care. I think he will call you at some point and want to work things out, I really do. He isn't in a relationship right now (I would bet), so if he's talking to others he's going to get tired of the superficiality of it like I said before. And if he's not talking to others, he's going to get lonely. But mostly I just think he probably misses you. It hasn't been long enough for any feelings to fade.

 

I agree that it's just in our personalities to obsess and have difficulty moving on. And ya know what, that's okay. Sometimes I feel judged for not moving on fast enough or in the right way, but honestly, this is just how I am. It sucks, and it feels horrible, but there's nothing "wrong" with it. We all process things differently, and some of us just have a harder time letting go of something than others.

 

I can really relate to what your therapist said about needing to hear from him, too. I'm not sure what that's about, really. I feel like even if mine just tried to call once and I didn't answer, I would feel better. Which sounds silly, because that wouldn't really accomplish anything. Maybe it's just that we really want to know that they care, and contact = caring in our minds, while silence = not caring.

 

I completely understand you wanting to get back with him. I know that you love him and want a future with him. But also, your mind and heart know that you were happier together than you are right now. And you just want the pain to go away. I know there's a lot more to it than that, but maybe that's the root of it all. You want to be happy, not miserable.

 

What you said in your last paragraph about all the researching is so true. You can read thousands of articles, and while you do learn a lot and get some better understanding, it really doesn't change much of anything in the end. He still hasn't called, and you still can't predict with certainty if or when he will. I spent two years reading books and articles, both while we were on and off, trying desperately to understand things. Maybe some things just can't be understood - especially if someone has a personality disorder, which I would say mine does, although I really can't diagnose either. All the reading was a coping mechanism though, and that's why you're doing it. It fills the time and makes you feel like you have some sense of control over something when you really feel powerless. And it gives you something to do. It's hard to focus on anything non-relationship related right now, so what's left? Thinking about it and reading about it and talking about it. Believe me, I get it! I finally quit reading things for the most part. I ran out of things to research, lol. I've googled just about every phrase you could possibly think up. And since it has gotten me nowhere, I eventually just stopped. But when I was doing it, it was just something I needed to do.

 

I hope you enjoy the Mars and Venus book. It will teach you a lot about the differences in men and women. Of course there are always exceptions to everything, and everything can be debated, but I felt like it made a lot of sense.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. I just wanted to tell you that they have now deleted each other as friends. So they added each other this morning and deleted each other tonight. This makes me feel a tiny bit better, of course. So maybe it's not all paradise between them, after all. Just wanted to share

 

I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight

[Ksol9]

Hey ksol. I just wanted to tell you that they have now deleted each other as friends. So they added each other this morning and deleted each other tonight. This makes me feel a tiny bit better, of course. So maybe it's not all paradise between them, after all. Just wanted to share

 

I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight

 

Hi lostlove, my quality of sleep really isn't good these days. I wake up in the middle of the night almost in a shock. "Is this really happening???" I've been awake for the past few hours. I've just been reading. I wanted to take some time to respond to your earlier post on my laptop, so I'll do that a little later. I just wanted to let you know my thoughts on this particular post.

 

It seems they have a volatile relationship just by the adding and deleting on Facebook. She is unstable. She's obviously going through a tulmultuos time in her life with the separation. there is no way your guy and this woman have a promising relationship. No one knows how long, but I don't see them entangled for long at all. I know I said Facebook is so irrelevant to real life, but defriending is definitely a sign of troubled waters. Who knows what is going on there, but someone is bound to get tired of it.

 

I'll be back later to write more. I'm going to try to get a little sleep before the sun comes up.

[Ksol9]

Hi again. I kind of ran out of steam and ended up just laying down and feeling mopey the rest of the day. What a life, huh? Sometimes I feel like just giving up and accepting that I'll continue to feel this way forever, or at least for a very long time. I know that's just the depression talking and I'm just having a really bad day. All because he added her back on Facebook, ya know? It has absolutely ruined my day. Thank you for your story about how things aren't always as they seem on Facebook. I really have very little idea of what actually goes on with them. I still have no idea if her husband and the kids went down there, and if not them, then who? I can't keep doing this, waiting and waiting for something that just isn't going to happen. [/Quote]

 

This could have been me writing this. I feel like this very often. There are some days I feel better than others, but most of the time, I just want to mope around the house. Is this normal? I haven't really experienced a break up like this. I went through this for the first time him and I split up and now again this time. It really sucks. Today I am feeling sort of numb, I miss them, but numb, and I've been bargaining. I'm sure by the end of the day I'll be feeling something completely different. If its any consolation, my therapist has always told me to just embrace this time in my life for what it is and go through the stages. She says everyone is different, no two people deal with breakups the same, and we all have different time lines. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are supposed to be over this by now or that you are doing anything unhealthy to prevent moving on. I know the topic of facebook has come up about it being unhealthy and is slowing down the process. This is another thing I've spoken about with my therapist. Yes, it may be unhealthy, but as long as you are aware and that you continue to move forward at YOUR own pace, it is ok.

 

I would say the same to you about things not being as they appear on his page. He may be actively trying to move on without it working - just trying to convince himself that he is okay. Or he may be trying to make you think he's moving on because he knows you're looking at his page. I've definitely done some version of that myself before. He may even call in a few days, given the pattern that happened the last time. I really don't think that he's moved on or doesn't care. I think he will call you at some point and want to work things out, I really do. He isn't in a relationship right now (I would bet), so if he's talking to others he's going to get tired of the superficiality of it like I said before. And if he's not talking to others, he's going to get lonely. But mostly I just think he probably misses you. It hasn't been long enough for any feelings to fade. [/Quote]

 

It could be either or like you said. He could definitely be at a point where he is moving on or he could just be posting daily selfies because he knows I am looking. Him posting daily selfies because he knows I'm looking is soo him though. He played such silly games during our last breakup. This time he hasn't been posting anything that was directed toward me like he did last time, but I could easily think he is moving on with his life. I woke up today just missing all of them..him and the children. I even began bargaining. What if I'm taking this to the extreme? What if he just contacted other women any time we fought and this could have been worked on? Who am I kidding...it's his intentions and thats not a good sign. I still don't regret leaving him. I do hope you're right that he will eventually call to work things out. I still have so much hope...against all odds, I do feel this is something we could work through.

 

I was thinking earlier and you mentioned this to me before, because I was the one who left him, he could be thinking that I would contact him when I felt ready to talk. I wonder sometimes, since he's so passive, that maybe he is saying to himself that he would speak to me if I reached out and if I didn't, he would just continue to move on with his life. When I really look at this whole situation, I don't think it can be compared to our prior split. This is so much more serious. It's final. I think he may have realized things won't get better and maybe he has even realized there are things about me he doesn't like. The night I found the emails, he was saying that I was never going to change (referring to looking through his phone, ect.), that I was insecure, and that he didn't want to live that way. Maybe he has solidified those thoughts.

 

We really couldn't continue living like this. We don't speak to eachother for months and then we get back together and try to move forward. I honestly never thought, we would be going through another split and this one seemingly a permanent one. I've just been feeling like he is probably over the whole drama of this relationship. He really doesn't need this in his life. He has 2 children to raise. Too much drama to be handling. That is probably the reason I haven't heard anything from him.

[Ksol9]

I took the quiz again to find my attachment style and it said I'm secure. Hmmm..

 

The quiz is from psychology today. The following is the link.

 

 

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Thank you so much for your comforting words, both about the facebook unfriending and going at my own pace with healing and facebook watching. I'm glad they unfriended, because I agree, it suggests troubled waters. I'm just worried that I'm getting my hopes up that it means the end is near, though, when it very likely could have been just a little tiff. I'm so curious about what happened, and there's just no way to know. She really is unstable; I've seen several long comments she's made to her husband (just the one since she left him, but several others in the year or two before that) spouting off to him, publicly for all to read. She's said really crude things at times, and her daughter surely sees all of it. I really dislike this woman, lol. Ugh. I guess I just have to be patient and see what happens - hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

 

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time sleeping. I've always had a hard time with it, too, so I know how bad it makes you feel. One thing I've found helpful is turning on a thunderstorm sound app on my phone. I usually can't quiet my mind enough to fall asleep (thinking about him and her, of course), but when I turn that on, it really seems to help. I can't think of any suggestions for the dreams, though. I think I've mentioned benadryl, too, can be helpful. I can't remember if you take anything at night?

 

What if I'm taking this to the extreme? What if he just contacted other women any time we fought and this could have been worked on? Who am I kidding...it's his intentions and thats not a good sign. I still don't regret leaving him.

You're just doubting yourself. I don't believe you took it to the extreme. If you had let it slide, he most likely would have kept doing it; he just would've found better ways to hide it. You would always be paranoid, always be feeling the need to check his accounts. By leaving him, he knows that this nonsense is not going to be tolerated. He was in a serious relationship and should not have been contacting other women, for any reason. Highly inappropriate. So no, I don't think you blew it out of proportion. If you had stayed and attempted to work at things, he may have gone along with it, but would have probably just reverted back to doing the same thing. He needed a wake-up call, and this is it. You're very strong for leaving him. I caught my guy on dating sites and flirting on facebook so many times, and I would get on to him for it, threaten to end things, but ultimately let it slide. So he never changed, because he didn't have to, and I had to live with the anxiety of always wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing. So be proud of yourself for leaving when you did.

 

I was thinking earlier and you mentioned this to me before, because I was the one who left him, he could be thinking that I would contact him when I felt ready to talk. I wonder sometimes, since he's so passive, that maybe he is saying to himself that he would speak to me if I reached out and if I didn't, he would just continue to move on with his life.

This very well could be, which puts you in a difficult situation. He's the one who messed up, so I agree with you that he should be the one to reach out (for all the reasons we've talked about before). It's such a big risk to reach out to him, because you don't know what he's thinking or where it will lead, so I wouldn't suggest it. But I do think it's possible that you're both waiting for the other to make the move. Passiveness is really a very frustrating trait to deal with - having to guess what they're thinking, having to make the first move. How stressful and annoying, ya know? He needs to learn to "man up" and fix this mess he made. Waiting him out might be the only way that he will eventually do it.

 

The night I found the emails, he was saying that I was never going to change (referring to looking through his phone, ect.), that I was insecure, and that he didn't want to live that way.

Straight out of the cheater's handbook! Ugh. Seriously, they all turn it around on you and try to make you feel like you're just being insecure, try to make you think it's your fault for snooping, and then minimize what they've done. Don't fall for it. He was in the wrong, and he knows it.

 

I've just been feeling like he is probably over the whole drama of this relationship. He really doesn't need this in his life. He has 2 children to raise. Too much drama to be handling. That is probably the reason I haven't heard anything from him.

He's the one who created the drama, though. He caused both recent breakups. I know you haven't always been perfect, but no one is, and very few couples experience smooth-sailing all the time. If he feels it's too much to handle, it's because he's too emotionally immature to deal with real relationships. But I don't think he's even thinking this at all.

 

I took the quiz again to find my attachment style and it said I'm secure. Hmmm..

Hmm. I just looked back at a screenshot I had taken of my results, and it looks like you used the same site I did. My anxiety score was a 6.78 on a scale of 1 to 7 (ugh, about as high as you can get), and my avoidance score was 5.5 on a scale of 1 to 7. Did you get number values? I would have thought you would have been slightly anxious. If you're secure, that's good! I've read that being with a secure partner can help an anxious or avoidant partner become more secure.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

I managed to get up and get dressed to go out to dinner with my mother this evening. It was nice to get out, but she wanted to go to this thai place downtown that him and I would frequent. Everywhere I looked I was thinking of him. All I could think about is how I wanted to be sharing moments with him and the children. Missing them so much today. I missed them since leaving, but I think I just really started missing them. The first 30 days was a whirlwind of emotions because I was dealing with the emotions from the cheating. Those emotions are still there, but I feel like I am now really starting to feel his absence.

 

I'm glad they unfriended, because I agree, it suggests troubled waters. I'm just worried that I'm getting my hopes up that it means the end is near, though, when it very likely could have been just a little tiff. I'm so curious about what happened, and there's just no way to know. She really is unstable; I've seen several long comments she's made to her husband (just the one since she left him, but several others in the year or two before that) spouting off to him, publicly for all to read. She's said really crude things at times, and her daughter surely sees all of it. I really dislike this woman, lol. Ugh. I guess I just have to be patient and see what happens - hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. [/Quote]

 

You made alot of sense here. I think it's best to take it for what it is and that is that they are not living some sort of fairy tale love story. There is something definitely going on between them that signifies ups and downs, back and forths. They might break up and then make up a few times, that doesn't necessarily mean they are over just yet or that the end isn't near. I'm sure they will do a bit of back and forth until someone gets tired. I'm assuming because her life is such a mess, she will not be able to have a stable relationship. Just based on the little you told me, they don't seem like they will last long in my opinion, but everything has to take it's course. Patience is so very hard, but you have the right attitude. Keep that in mind.

 

One thing I've found helpful is turning on a thunderstorm sound app on my phone.[/Quote]

 

I smiled as I read this because this helps me to fall asleep. I love the sound of the rain. I think the both of us have trouble sleeping because our thoughts are so overpowering. We are unable to turn off our brains. My brain goes into overdrive at night. I also take benadryl or an over the counter sleep aid..I don't like to take any kind of medication, but with all this stress I've sort of become dependent on them in order to have a good night's rest.

 

He's the one who messed up, so I agree with you that he should be the one to reach out (for all the reasons we've talked about before). It's such a big risk to reach out to him, because you don't know what he's thinking or where it will lead, so I wouldn't suggest it. But I do think it's possible that you're both waiting for the other to make the move. Passiveness is really a very frustrating trait to deal with - having to guess what they're thinking, having to make the first move. How stressful and annoying, ya know? He needs to learn to "man up" and fix this mess he made. Waiting him out might be the only way that he will eventually do it. [/Quote]

 

As I was eating dinner, I was thinking to myself, he really messed things up between us. I don't know if they will ever be the same if him and I were to reconnect. It just seems like a huge hurdle to get over. It really wouldn't be in my best interest to consider reaching out to him. It's his duty is it means anything to him. I was thinking that if I'm thinking to myself on a daily basis how difficult life would be in order to get past this. I'm so doubtful that we would even make it. I'm even doubtful that he would actually reach out to me. Imagine if I have all these negative thoughts about it, can you imagine the negativity that is going through his mind? During our first split, I was not optimistic at all. I did not think he would change his mind. I thought there was no way we would get over that. He is probably thinking to himself...I messed things up so badly, there is no way she would change her mind and come back to me. There is no way for us to get over this mountain. He isn't going to pick up that phone to message or call me. I don't see it happening.

 

What kind of life is this? I am at a point in my life where I should be happy. I've been through so much in relationships. I have had enough bad experiences. I'm just ready for things to be smooth sailing. My sister is having a baby. My parents are healthy and happy. I just want to enjoy my life with my loved ones and I want to share my life with someone who I can give all my love to. Is that too much to ask??

[Nebraskagirl14]

Ksol- so sorry about all of this!!! I am trying to find in this thread how long you were together and when was the first breakup and the second?

[Nebraskagirl14]

If this gives you any hope, I'm a highly emotional person and I have had some breakups that have dropped me to my knees... But I have looked back on all of them knowing none of those people were meant for me. I couldn't possibly see it at the time but I know you will look back and feel the same. The trick is to shift your focus as much as you can and get exciting about where you're going rather than looking back all the time. You can do this!

[Ksol9]

If this gives you any hope, I'm a highly emotional person and I have had some breakups that have dropped me to my knees... But I have looked back on all of them knowing none of those people were meant for me. I couldn't possibly see it at the time but I know you will look back and feel the same. The trick is to shift your focus as much as you can and get exciting about where you're going rather than looking back all the time. You can do this!

 

Thank you for your kind words! I'm trying...God knows I'm trying.

 

We were together for 1 year when we broke up for the first time. He broke up with me. That happened in February of this year. The first month there were a couple text messages here and there, then we were NC for a full month. He contacted me and we got back together in April. We just broke up again in August. I heard from him 2 weeks ago and since then there has been nothing.

 

I'm just trying to take things day by day. Every day is a challenge. I'm hurting. I broke up with him, but I feel like the dumpee. I just really sucks.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I hear you. It doesn't matter sometimes who dumped whom. There can be a huge amount of pain for both parties... I promise that you will feel better with NC. I'm actually quite good at it. It sounds like you are too... It doesn't mean it doesn't SUCK at times but I think about it like this... What feels better? NC right now or contacting her? Contacting her would put me back into limbo so NC feels better. And just that thought feels better! It kind of makes me call myself on my stuff... It actually is nice to have no clue what she's doing and knowing she is thinking about me regardless of what she's doing. Also, I think, what feels better? Having this silence to work through things or being in a place with her where things aren't working? This still feels better. NC wins.