Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

Oh lostlove, you're so very smart and extremely insightful of even your own situation.

 

You mentioned something about getting counseling and I want to give you my candid, honest opinion about this. You have accurately said what counseling can offer you. I have recently been considering discontinuing counseling because one, it's an added expense and two, she does not give me anything that I don't already know, it is the fact that she is a professional that gives me reassurance. I will say that there have been plenty of times that she has helped me see things in a different perspective that I wouldn't have otherwise. When my guy and I got back together in April. I slowly stopped coming back to ena, I really should have stayed and talked about all of my concerns. I only had my therapist to consult. I would tell her each and everything that bothered me. She helped me tremendously, but had I talked about it here or with friends, I may have been able to navigate the same without her. I absolutely think you should consider counseling if you are on your knees so to speak. If you feel depression is weighing on you so heavily that you're unable to pick yourself up, definitely look into a good counselor. This will help you tremendously. My counselor also has tons of resources that she has shared with me. I mean there are so many ways a counselor can help because of the resources and knowledge they hold, but you are quite resourceful and you have a great support system from family, friends, and us here at ena. Change is good even if it's temporary, a counselor can help you get back on track. The reason why I haven't stopped counseling just yet, is because I've never experienced reconciliation after cheating, so I'm uncertain about the things I will experience if we get back together. My main reason for beginning counseling was because I needed help becoming a positive thinker, to help communication in my relationship, and to build self confidence. I need her there to guide me and it is working. This time I will not leave ena either. I'm here to stay...relationship or no relationship. The insight you receive from others here on the board is priceless. Still I think you've learned a lot and you will be ok whatever route you choose.

 

I've been laying in bed for hours trying to get some sleep. I'm just laying here restless. My thoughts are turning to anger. Your words bring me comfort, but it's hard not to be reminded of what he has done. He may be very mindful about that and that is why he is being careful. I'm quick to think there is someone else that he is seeing or talking to. I'm just having a hard time understanding why things are moving so slowly. Like I said I'm comforted by your words, and I do hope that he will do what it takes to reconcile soon. It helps to get an outside perspective because my judgment is still very clouded..so thank you so much for that.

 

I'm sending you lots of well wishes lostlove. i don't know if you realize this, but I recognize that you may be approaching the acceptance stage. You seem to be getting ready to make a change in your life and that's a great thing and I'll be here rooting for you all the way.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. Thanks so much for your thoughts about therapy. I'm ready to go for it. If it doesn't help, then no harm done really. The only holdup has been that my mom is dealing with a lot in her own life with ill family members and always so much on her plate. But she said she would look into it, and I'm ready. I hope (I think I hope) that you're right about me reaching the acceptance phase. I guess acceptance is necessary, even if I would never CHOOSE to move forward with life without him in it. He's gone, and there's nothing I can do about that. So if I hope to ever have a happy, or at least content life, then I need to accept the loss of what was.

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time sleeping. I guess when we get in bed and try to sleep, our thoughts overwhelm us because there's no distraction from it. We're simply lying there, with all the space in the world for our negative thoughts to run rampant like they are prone to do. I read an article recently that popped up on Facebook that suggested getting up and doing something else when you can't sleep. There was some study done that showed that getting back up rather than laying there trying to sleep put you on a better sleep schedule within a few days. I'm about to get in the bed myself and try to read. I'm reading a novel I'm enjoying, so I'll try that, but I may come back and read ena stories until I can pass out. I do hope you can get some sleep. As mentioned so many times before, it's crucial in being able to think clearly and function emotionally. I understand your angry thoughts. We both need to work on some way to move past the anger, because it's really unhealthy and it's making us feel bad. And when it's keeping us up at night, it's a problem. Try to get some sleep, and I'll chat with you tomorrow. Hugs, goodnight and sweet dreams

[dirkdaring]

I remember feeling like this...exactly like this. I had this resounding feeling from things being left unresolved. I realized that there was no way I was going to get answers. I think over time and after alot of reflecting, you will be able to make sense of everything regarding the relationship and everything surrounding it's failure with the exception of why she decided to end it. You will never be able to make sense of her decision without actually hearing her reasons why. You will speculate, but a definite answer will have to come from her. You will have to try your hardest, to come to terms with that and that is the most challenging thing ever...trust me I've been there. I guess it's just a process that can't be rushed or avoided. We have to go through it in order to get to a place where we are somewhat at peace and have come to terms with it all. That's especially difficult when your heart does not want to accept. How long have you been in NC?

About 5 weeks, but we talked on the phone for two hours two weeks ago, and again for two hours last night.

The conversations were great, just like old times, laughing, catching up, hearing about her daughter's development. We actually talked about meeting up next weekend. I'm not holding my breath, she didn't commit to it, her mother is going to come take her daughter for the weekend, and I know she's exhausted and may just want to catch up on errands and sleep and not have to put that energy into this relationship just yet. I'm holding on to hope, but not thinking that next weekend is promised, just that things may be moving in a good, slow direction.

It's still hard, because I still don't know where this is going, I still have those questions of whether I'm wasting my time and energy holding on to this, but I've determined to let myself believe it's worth it, and not to let my brain get ahead of myself. I will keep ya'll posted

[Ksol9]

About 5 weeks, but we talked on the phone for two hours two weeks ago, and again for two hours last night.

The conversations were great, just like old times, laughing, catching up, hearing about her daughter's development. We actually talked about meeting up next weekend. I'm not holding my breath, she didn't commit to it, her mother is going to come take her daughter for the weekend, and I know she's exhausted and may just want to catch up on errands and sleep and not have to put that energy into this relationship just yet. I'm holding on to hope, but not thinking that next weekend is promised, just that things may be moving in a good, slow direction.

It's still hard, because I still don't know where this is going, I still have those questions of whether I'm wasting my time and energy holding on to this, but I've determined to let myself believe it's worth it, and not to let my brain get ahead of myself. I will keep ya'll posted

 

You have a great mentality about it. I think it's great that you are not pressuring her or yourself. Most importantly, you are communicating. I wish I was at the point where my guy and I could be communicating more. You are lucky to have lines of communication open. I like that you are not going overboard and that you are protecting yourself. It may take her some time to come around and I think you're going about this in the right way.

 

Best of luck!

[Ksol9]

It's been 6 weeks since the break up. I've been holding the Dr. Weil book very close..its been sort of a manual for me since receiving the text last Sunday. Exactly what she has studied and wrote about regarding the emptiness men who are distancers go into after a breakup up is so accurate it's scary. Remember all the posts he was posting with photos of his deceased parents. Just as recent as Wednesday he posted an article about his grandfather who was a famous saxophone player in the 50's. My guy didn't have a good upbringing at all. Dr. Weil talks about the emptiness they experience allows them to go back to their childhood to do work on themselves to change. My guy has definitely been going through something. He went to church last Sunday. There is some sort of struggle going on within his heart and I'm almost certain of this. Dr. Weil says that when they reach out to say "I need you" (which were my guy's exact words), still don't give in. Let them go even further to dig deep inside so that the changes they are making are permanent. With the help of lostlove and others, as well as Dr. Weil's book, I think I've made good decisions this far in how I've handled the matter. If this is all what it seems, I just hope it will stretch a little further enough for us to get things right.

 

I woke up this morning and I can feel a storm brewing over my head. I'm tired mentally and physically. This week has been a lot to process. I've had so many emotions in just a few days. I feel like we're so close. I haven't heard from him since Tuesday and I'm growing more and more worried that I won't talk to him again for weeks maybe never. i think my biggest fear is that he's not going to make this right and will just let it go. So much time has passed. I think he can see for himself that I am not going to do anything, but continue walking unless he does something about it. Sometimes I feel that maybe he just doesn't care very much, but it's most likely something that he has a lot of fears. That is why this process is being drawn out. I'm not sure what he is thinking. I continue to assume the worst.

[Ksol9]

I wanted to share something I saw on Facebook...

 

 

On Tuesday morning (the day he contacted me to come over) he commented under a woman's photo. This woman is a friend from high school. She updated her profile photo and under it he asked..how long does it take you to get ready. She responded saying...just as long as any other female takes to get ready. He writes another comment...I think you take extra long. Your name should be candy because you look extra sweet...lol.She never responded. She went on to respond to other comments by others.

 

Am I silly to be upset about this? He never comments on photos of other women. This just makes him look bad. I mean he is free to do what he wants because we are not together, but if he is "feeling lost for hurting me" why is he making comments like this to other women? He's not the type of guy to write comments like this under photos of women. His friends list is very small and consists of mostly family and high school friends. What I'm trying to say is he's not like these types of men that you see commenting "hot" or "sexy" under photos. I just feel a little weird that if he was trying to figure out a way to make things right with me, why is he playing like this with other women. It confirms how I feel about him just playing games with me. I don't feel he is serious about me at all. He contacted me hoping I would come over and it didn't happen so easily. Then he gave up. He may or may not try again.

 

If the situation was reversed and I did something wrong..and I finally get the courage to contact him..i find that he is willing to communicate, I would continue to try to talk. I would be very genuine. I would slowly initiate more and more conversation to help him feel comfortable. I would show concern for his feelings. Something just feels strange about this whole thing. I just never heard from him again and I'm getting the feeling he is just playing games. This Facebook thing shows me even more he's just playing around. Am I wrong to feel this way? Or am I being jealous and insecure? I'm feeling extremely discouraged. These comments were posted on the same day he contacted me.

 

Am I overreacting?

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. I just got caught up. I really need to get a new copy of Make Up Don't Break Up and read it again. I love that you share bits of info from it, which I find helpful and interesting, so thank you for that!

 

Okay, sooo... My guy did the EXACT same thing, commenting to other women on Facebook in a similar manner as yours when we were going though rough times. He did this several times. He did it again recently when I could tell that he and married woman had some sort of falling out a few weeks back. He was blatantly flirting with this girl we went to high school with. On two different occasions, she posted about how she wanted to find her soulmate and have a baby soooo bad, and he commented with "Come down here " She said she wished she could (just being polite), and he told her she can do whatever she wants and to live life with no regrets. I mean, it was disgustingly obvious that he was flirting. She never replied to the final comment, just like that girl didn't reply to your guy's final comment. Mine also commented ON MY BIRTHDAY to a picture of an ex-fling that she was so sexy... I was ignoring his calls at the time because of something he had done. It all bothered me, of course, just like it's bothering you. But here's my take on it...

 

As much as it bothered me, I could always see right through it when my guy did that, and I saw it as him trying to fill a void and get attention. Like your guy, he was not really one to leave comments like that very often, so there was definitely a reason for him doing it when he did it. Your guy was just looking for attention, is all. It does look bad on him. Looks kind of weak and pathetic, especially since she didn't flirt back.

 

I don't think he was playing games with you. I think he was looking for a "backup" (in this case, just in the form of attention) in case you didn't want to get back together, so that he wouldn't feel as hurt. An ego-booster, that's all it was. So try to see it as him feeling bothered and feeling the void you left behind. That's how I see it. And that's how I always saw it with my guy.

 

Still... something just isn't right when someone needs female attention like that and can't get by on their own and just feel whatever feelings they happen to be feeling. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe all guys are just shallow jerks and prone to do this kind of thing. I just see it as so weak though! It's very annoying.

 

I would tend to put this in the same class as him emailing that other woman. So has he really changed, deep down in his core, in regards to whatever it is that makes him flirt with others like this? While I can pretty easily explain it away in terms of why he did it, it still just isn't cool, to do it on the same DAY he reached out to you. This surely has something to do with his avoidance patterns, I am sure.

 

I am 100% supportive of you wanting him back and wanting to make it work. But I'll say it again as I've said before... he doesn't sound very appealing to me But my guy never sounded appealing to anyone else either, and I loved the crap out of him, so I get it

 

FWIW, after my guy left a flirty comment this most recent time when he and married woman were on the outs, I haven't seen him do it since they made up. He only seems to do it when relationships are going through a rough period. Which is same with your guy.

 

I think yours was feeling lonely that day, missing you, and looked for attention elsewhere that morning. Then by nighttime, he caved and contacted you.

 

Let me go ahead and post this real quick, because I see it's been awhile since you left your post. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner.

[Ksol9]

Thank you for replying lostlove. I was waiting for your input because I knew you would understand how I am feeling.

 

I have only seen my guy do this a couple of times. One was during the first time we broke up and this was the second time. He just doesn't normally leave comments like this...even before meeting me. So I do think you are right in terms of this being a mixture of things...being a single jerk/guy, filling a void, and needing attention. I completely understand what you mean by putting this in the same category as the email. It is very similar to your situation and what your guy would do during fights. Maybe this is just something men do...they really can be jerks and it looks terrible. I mean this just makes him look really bad. I am even more hesitant about him now.

 

It's also concerning, as you said, that they need to look for validation and an ego boost in times of conflict. That was an excellent point you made. This is the sole reason for our breakup. He reached out to another woman when him and I had a disagreement. He may not even realize this is an issue. We haven't spoken in depth about anything. Another reason why I feel it's so important we talk. These things are not going to address and fix themselves.

 

I know he is single. I am not there and I haven't given him an ounce of reassurance that we could work things out. I wasn't very responsive when he was pouring out his feelings. I'm just afraid and after seeing that, I'm even more afraid. I feel he is just out to play games with me. He doesn't seem to be serious about anything really. He's just behaving as though, if I come back...I come back. Same thing with the internet women..if they bite...they bite. He's just playing the field. That is the impression I have and he looks completely pathetic. Some men don't want to be in a committed relationship..they just cant. They try..but can't. Maybe my guy has difficulty with this.

 

I am very concerned that he hasn't contacted me since. I understand why you would not find him appealing...I'm even questioning why I find him appealing. Love is so very strange. Thank you so much for leaving me this response. It has calmed me a bit because I am able to see it from a different perspective...a not so negative perspective. There is nothing I can do about this. I have been questioning my decisions recently and if I am doing the right thing by holding back. I don't know if I'm making things worse in terms of reconciliation. I really don't understand why he isn't trying to communicate with me. I keep thinking this is a terrible sign. It's really strange that he hasn't said anything to me since. I don't think he's being cautious. I think he probably feels I'm not interested or maybe he just doesn't really care.

[lostlove76]

I don't think it's that he doesn't care. I do think, though, that he may not realize how interested you are in reconciling. He may have thought you were just being polite in responding to him. He may feel like you would reach out if you were interested. He may be embarrassed that he was vulnerable while drunk and let his defenses down and said some things. I don't know what it is about vulnerability that makes people feel weird, but I've felt that myself. It's hard to even describe it. Weird and embarrassed are the only words I can come up with.

 

It's just a very difficult situation to be in right now, I know. You're waiting for him to make more of a move, but he may have no clue that you're waiting. He may feel you're no longer interested. But for all the reasons we've discussed here, and from what you're therapist suggested, and from what the book said, everyone agrees that he should be the one to reach out and make it happen. So it just continues to be a waiting game. Neither one of you have any clue what the other is thinking. It's just all so unfortunate! You guys really need to talk, and he's just not making it happen. This is his nature, to be passive, and we know from last time that it takes him a long time to reach out and make amends. Whatever ends up happening, I would tell yourself (and him when you talk) that this is the last time you're going to do this. This is just torture. If you guys end up having a life-long relationship, it is simply not okay to go through these long periods of time not talking. What I mean by "not okay" is what it does to you. I think I've said it before, but it sounds like he really needs some counseling to learn how to be more assertive and communicate more directly, instead of reaching out to other women and/or going silent.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this I feel mad at him that he won't just man up already. This is ridiculous. But maybe he feels like he tried and didn't get a very enthusiastic response, and has retreated back to safety. I know it feels like he doesn't care, but I really don't feel that's the case.

[Ksol9]

I don't think it's that he doesn't care. I do think, though, that he may not realize how interested you are in reconciling. He may have thought you were just being polite in responding to him. He may feel like you would reach out if you were interested. He may be embarrassed that he was vulnerable while drunk and let his defenses down and said some things. I don't know what it is about vulnerability that makes people feel weird, but I've felt that myself. It's hard to even describe it. Weird and embarrassed are the only words I can come up with.

 

It's just a very difficult situation to be in right now, I know. You're waiting for him to make more of a move, but he may have no clue that you're waiting. He may feel you're no longer interested. But for all the reasons we've discussed here, and from what you're therapist suggested, and from what the book said, everyone agrees that he should be the one to reach out and make it happen. So it just continues to be a waiting game. Neither one of you have any clue what the other is thinking. It's just all so unfortunate! You guys really need to talk, and he's just not making it happen. This is his nature, to be passive, and we know from last time that it takes him a long time to reach out and make amends. Whatever ends up happening, I would tell yourself (and him when you talk) that this is the last time you're going to do this. This is just torture. If you guys end up having a life-long relationship, it is simply not okay to go through these long periods of time not talking. What I mean by "not okay" is what it does to you. I think I've said it before, but it sounds like he really needs some counseling to learn how to be more assertive and communicate more directly, instead of reaching out to other women and/or going silent.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this I feel mad at him that he won't just man up already. This is ridiculous. But maybe he feels like he tried and didn't get a very enthusiastic response, and has retreated back to safety. I know it feels like he doesn't care, but I really don't feel that's the case.

 

I'm so confused. I'm feeling really terrible right now. I went back and read our text messages from the other night and I do think if I were in his shoes, I would think I was just being polite, but wasn't really interested. I know it took him a great deal of courage to say those things and he was very direct. I just didn't reciprocate. I didn't even respond after his last messages. He probably feels like he would be pushing too much if he asks me again. I really don't know what to do. Should I consider opening up communication with him again? Should I wait? I feel terrible. This is so bad that I'm going down this road again.

 

We definitely need to talk and this is just getting ridiculous. I can't believe we are both two grown adults and this is happening. I'm really confused at this point. I don't know if I should wait or if I should just say something so that we can get this show on the road. What if he goes back into silence permanently?

[lostlove76]

I'm afraid to suggest what to do in case it turns out to be the wrong thing I really don't even know. But I do feel like he may have interpreted your responses for lack of interest. He would have no clue what you're thinking or what you're waiting on. I guess as I've always said before, do what brings you the most peace. If that's waiting, wait. If it's reaching out, just so that you'll know something even if it doesn't turn out like you wanted it to, then consider doing that. Either option is a risk. I'm not even sure what I would do in your shoes. I got extremely good at holding out and waiting on mine, and I will never reach out to him. If he wants anything, he knows where to find me. But we have a history of him ignoring my initiated contact at times, and I just refuse to take the risk. Some of it is pride and stubbornness, as well. Most of it is because I know it would do no good unless it came from him and was his idea, but that's just how he is. I don't think there are those kinds of risks with yours, but of course it's always a worry (and probably a worry for him, as well).

 

Gosh, I just don't know! I will say that if I reached out to someone and got a lukewarm response, I may not try again, at least for a long time. So if your tone was completely non-enthusiastic, it might have discouraged him a great deal. He should have reached out a long time ago though, at least to apologize. It's completely natural that you wouldn't show yourself to be jumping for joy once he did finally reach out.

 

What a frustrating situation. Maybe write out a pro/con list, just to weigh the risk vs potential reward? Pros and cons of waiting. Pros and cons of reaching out. The biggest con of waiting is what this is doing to you on a daily basis. Maybe saying something would be worth it just so that you don't have to do this anymore? But before you even consider that, make sure you could handle any response you may or may not receive. If he doesn't answer, or if he's reserved himself, will you regret reaching out and feel even worse?

 

I'm sorry! I wish I could give a clearer answer, but I really think it's all about what you can handle and what will make you feel the best out of the given options. I think I would be at the end of my rope with all the waiting. Something would have to give soon.

[lostlove76]

One more thing... Don't worry about how he feels and what he wants. He's the one who screwed everything up here, not you. He's the one who cheated (and even if it didn't go beyond just emailing her, that is still cheating in my book. Totally inappropriate.). So please don't feel sorry for him, or feel sad for him. He is fully capable of fixing this - it just requires that he put aside his fears or communication issues or whatever it may be, and just be direct. It may be hard for him, but he is capable. So don't worry about what he needs, worry about what YOU want and need to feel better. He's obviously not doing the one thing that would make you feel better, so given the remaining options, what will make YOU feel best?

 

I don't at all regret not reaching out to mine during the past 3 months. I waited and waited and hoped and hoped that he would, and he didn't. But I at least have zero regrets in what I myself did or didn't do. A month from now, if you haven't heard from him again, will you wish you had reached out?

 

I know you feel stuck! There is unfortunately no easy answer here. I think most people would tell you to keep waiting, and that would be my gut instinct as well. But I know the torture you're feeling, and I think it's perfectly fine to consider taking things into your own hands and saying something to him if it would end the torture. And FWIW, I would expect that you would provably get a good response - but we can't be certain, and that's why I'm suggesting to be prepared if you don't. I think he wishes you would reach out - it would certainly make things easier for him, and I think he would be glad to hear from you.

[rand100417]

Hey! I do agree with Lostlove (as usual lol!). I know this may sound nuts but maybe you should contact him and do stuff by the Weil book: tell him you miss him, make it clear you are available, but not too available- then back off. Don't play games! And don't distance out of anger for too long. You might be scared of coming off as needy or whatever but honestly don't. You're you and if he loves you you don't have to worry too much. Don't apologize for wanting things to be better. If you want to resolve things take matters into your own hands and be brave, but also be ready to set limits again. In that way be independent and not needy- remember, you're not willing to put your needs aside, right? I'm also reading that book!

[rand100417]

I'm also giving that advice because you have done a stellar job at backing off it seems so far!

[Ksol9]

I don't have a problem reaching out to him. I would be light in my approach anyway, but I worry that he may think he can brush everything under the rug. What if he was just drunk that night and wanted to hook up? I'm taking into account every option. I know he's been thinking of me and that is why he sent the photo hanging on the fridge prior to that, but it just seems like he doesn't know how to initiate things between us. I certainly don't have a problem initiating contact with him. I don't think he would ignore me or anything like that. I actually think it would help him a lot.

 

I think my biggest concern, if I can put my thoughts into words, is that he is just playing games. If he is just a guy who emails women, even goes as far to have casual sex while in a relationship with me, maybe he isn't interested in a committed relationship. I know I might sound silly but I can't really see my situation clearly. I think from an outside perspective i would think that he is genuinely reaching out because he wants to fix things but doesn't know how. I'm not worried about if I'm able to reach out, I'm totally up for it and I'm not worried about a response because I'm sure he will respond. Just worried if I should wait a little longer.

 

The Dr Weil book suggests to wait. For example, during the 6-8 weeks, if they reach out to say I need you, she suggests you stand your ground and hold back just a little longer until he can be certain he wants a committed relationship. This way you can be sure of lasting change.

 

I can't even describe how I'm feeling. Very confused. I honestly feel like texting him right now..it's almost 4 am right now. I feel like asking him if he was drunk that night. Lol. I just want to drop everything and just be real and open with him, but I was hoping he would continue communication after Tuesday. I think after he put himself in such a vulnerable situation, he retreated because I didn't go running into his arms. He probably doesn't think I'm interested. I still feel he should be understanding that I am scared and would need help opening up because that's really what it is. I'm afraid he just wants to toy with me like he did during our relationship. It's been so long. I feel really disconnected from him. While I'm thinking I should wait a little longer, I'm also really anxious. I'm so tempted to text this minute. I'll wait a response to see what you all think first.

[Ksol9]

I'm so tempted to text him! I'm so fed up with this already. This is so foolish. He reached out, now I'm withholding. this is what I've been waiting for, why am I still waiting?? I think I'll contact him tomorrow. I think I should validate his feelings. I don't know exactly what I'll say but I want him to know that I've been thinking about him and that I want to do this the right way. He will have to take it from there. That is actually what the book says, to validate him and then let him go with love. Lol funny how I'm using the book as my manual.

 

In all honesty, it doesn't matter to me who initiates. Just as long as we are on the same path. I can let him know I miss him and that I'm thinking about it all and then maybe he will take some initiative to help me feel more secure moving forward because that is what I truly need and he doesn't know that. I was very cold in my responses because my first thought when he said he was with his boss, was that he was drinking. I don't even know if he was drunk, but I'm assuming he had some drinks. I don't want to play games..just want to get out of this place we're stuck in.

[dirkdaring]

I say by now just contact him. But be brutally honest. Tell him you want to know exactly what he's thinking and feeling, why he's contacting you again. Let him do the talking, almost all of it. Keep him talking until you're ready to say your piece. Don't let him ask you questions first to change you into the one letting it out, let him say everything first, then respond.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol, I managed to fall asleep last night, so this is the first time I've been on and saw your posts. Did you end up texting?

[Ksol9]

Thank you all for your advice.

 

I decided to text him..at around 5am. I couldn't wait. lol. I said "My Guy" (his name). He didn't respond right away because I suppose he was still asleep. He sent a text back at 7:30am. He says...yes, everything ok? I responded a few hours later saying..I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you alot lately and I miss you. I waited before I said anything further. The wait for a response almost sent me into cardiac arrest. He finally responded. He said....I really miss you. I would like for us to start fresh. I've decided to let the children go back with their mom in Dec. and I truly believe in my heart its the right thing to do for all of us including for our relationship. I want you to be apart of our lives. I love you. I want us to work this out.

I responded (again following what you all here on ENA and Dr. Weil suggested)...I'm happy to hear that you want to start fresh. I think if you and I open and honest with eachother, maybe this is something we can sort out. I don't want to go through this again. While I'm not willing to brush everything under the rug, lets do things the right way to make sure we work together to get the relationship we're both happy with. We shouldn't go months without speaking. We should be there for eachother through good and bad..ya know? I love you and I think I had to let you go so you could figure out what you wanted. I needed time away also. I love you and I know we can do this, but its totally your choice to decide if you're ready to do this the right way.

 

I sent that text about a half an hour ago. He didn't respond yet, but I am comfortable leaving him with that even if he doesn't respond. I know the direction he'd like to go now and I let him know I'm ready to work with him to sort this out. I feel completely relieved. That waiting was killing me slowly. He might sit back and wait for me to take initiative, but now I am comfortable waiting for him to show me his motives...even if that means not hearing from him for a while. He knows he has to put in some work. I was so uneasy about sitting and waiting. I feel I made the right choice in texting him this morning. After I decided to send him that text around 5 am...I slept like a baby. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do and it did bring me peace.

 

I'm not sure what is going to happen from here. It's apparent it's extremely difficult for him to communicate. I am almost certain he froze after sending me those messages on Tuesday. He didn't know how to move forward because it's really difficult to express himself. Still that is no excuse. I'm not going to help him make this right. I think I just gave him the confidence and encouragement to do the right thing. God willing we will be ok.

 

I'm still very scared. I'm scared that he is going to take me for a ride. What if he truly has a problem making commitments. He may go forward in good faith, knowing what he did to mess things up, saying to himself he'd never do this again, but as time goes by and everyone goes back into their normal routine...some men just cant keep themselves together. I fear that he may mess up again in the future. He definitely has some underlying problems that he needs to work on as do I. That is something we need to work on educating ourselves about...to make sure this doesn't happen again. I also worry that he won't take any initiative from here on. He has done this before. I basically had to push things in the past. I can't do that this time. Even the text messages that I just sent, I know he wont know how to respond. I have to stand my ground. Please continue to encourage me because I know it won't be smooth sailing from here on out.

 

I truly appreciate the support. I really don't think I could have navigated this in a proper way if I did not get feedback from all of you.

[Ksol9]

Hey ksol, I managed to fall asleep last night, so this is the first time I've been on and saw your posts. Did you end up texting?

 

I'm happy to hear you were able to get some sleep last night. I did also as soon as I decided I would initiate some conversation with him. I wanted to thank you so very much lostlove. You have been my biggest support here...even at times more than my family and friends. You really helped me see things in a different perspective and I think that has helped me make good decisions this far. I don't know what is going to happen in the next few days. I may not hear from him for a while, but I'm prepared. I've said all that I needed to say and I am comfortable with that. Still the only emotion that I feel right now is fear. I think my biggest fear is that he's got me fooled.

 

How are you doing? How have you been feeling about everything with your guy?

[lostlove76]

Aw, you're most welcome ksol. I'm so happy to hear how things went! The long torturous wait is now over, and I know that's a huge relief. You both opened up and said you want this. That's a really good start. You took a big risk, and it worked out. There are still things to work on in moving forward, of course, but this was the first step. I'm glad you feel at peace with having reached out, and I'm sure he feels so much better as well. Yay

 

I'm still going through the acceptance stage about mine, I guess. Pretty much all hope is now lost, and I just have to accept that. There's nothing at all that I can do about it. I think I'm going to clean and do some laundry today and get some things done, and just let the feelings settle. I'll check back in later and write some more.

[Ksol9]

Aw, you're most welcome ksol. I'm so happy to hear how things went! The long torturous wait is now over, and I know that's a huge relief. You both opened up and said you want this. That's a really good start. You took a big risk, and it worked out. There are still things to work on in moving forward, of course, but this was the first step. I'm glad you feel at peace with having reached out, and I'm sure he feels so much better as well. Yay

 

I'm still going through the acceptance stage about mine, I guess. Pretty much all hope is now lost, and I just have to accept that. There's nothing at all that I can do about it. I think I'm going to clean and do some laundry today and get some things done, and just let the feelings settle. I'll check back in later and write some more.

 

Yes, the wait is finally over and it feels like we finally made some progress. I can't believe I actually sent him those messages! I feel like I'm beginning to process everything. It didn't happen the way I expected it to. It just goes to show that nothing goes according to script. He never responded to my last message and I didn't expect him to. I bet he doesn't know what to say. I just hope I did the right thing and I hope everything is going to be ok from this point on. I am at peace because I know we are both on the same page and I guess everything else should fall into place eventually. Im just going to give us alot of space and time. I am thinking it is still going to be a slow process and I'm expecting not to hear from him immediately.

 

I'm sitting here in my room in silence. I don't even know what to do with myself. It's so much to process. This is alot of work and it has been extremely difficult. Im pretty sure there are plenty of challenges that lie ahead. I keep thinking..what are we supposed to do now?? I wonder if things won't go anywhere from here?

 

I'm glad to hear that you're doing ok providing the circumstances. I remember my counselor saying the acceptance stage is where things kind of become repetitive. You begin to feel sort of bored and need new things to do to fill your time. She had asked me to write a list of things that I needed to change in my life. That was I could objectively make new goals and start from there. I think when you get to a point where you feel like you've lost hope, you don't totally lose all hope. You just become realistic and you find new ways to cope and live a somewhat normal life until you do have a normal life. This is a great thing lostlove. I think you're going to be just fine...if in the future he ever does try to reach out, you will be a much stronger and wiser person.

[Ksol9]

I know I've been waiting for this for a long time and now that we'be decided to work through this, I can look forward to a future, but I was just thinking about something he said in his text. He mentioned he would be sending the children back to their mother in December. There was also a discussion of him having to start a new project out of town. With the children gone, that could mean he would be gone for days maybe even weeks at a time. I'm not sure how he is going to factor me in with something like that. He originally said we would all move together, but moving is off the table until I can establish so trust. I'm not sure what he is thinking. We are in the beginning stages of reconciliation, but I starting to wonder if I know what I'm getting myself into. It's been a month and a half since we've been apart. I'm well on my way through detaching from him and the children. Do I really know what I'm getting myself emotionally involved with him again?

 

I don't know when we will be able to talk. I don't think I'll receive a response from him since my last text. Its all a lot to absorb and I'm still worrying. I guess I need to be patient and deal with that once we speak.

[dirkdaring]

Good progress that you both texted each other with thoughtful replies, and that you both want this to work out. That right there is progress! Don't stress over the details just yet. You said what you wanted to say and heard(at least partly) what you wanted to hear. This is a good thing, something you've been asking for, and it happened!

[Ksol9]

Good progress that you both texted each other with thoughtful replies, and that you both want this to work out. That right there is progress! Don't stress over the details just yet. You said what you wanted to say and heard(at least partly) what you wanted to hear. This is a good thing, something you've been asking for, and it happened!

 

I'm impatient. It has always been one of my downfalls. I have to remember that this is how he is. He takes quite a bit of time to process things. He will often distance himself and will come forward to talk once he has his thoughts together. I was really under the impression that I wouldn't hear from him for a while, but to my surprise he sent a response today around lunch time. He said that he is ready to do this the right way with me. He said during our split he has been thinking a lot and has been working on himself. He said he took the time to reflect and think about what he really wants in life. He went on to explain that we're adults and he's knows what is right and wrong. That he knows how he should be handling himself while in a relationship. He said he never meant to hurt me, that he was wrong, and that's he's really sorry.

 

He's not a person to be very open with his feelings and I believe he needed time to really think about what he wanted to say. We are making progress slowly. I need to take my time, be patient with him and myself, and take things step by step. We still haven't spoken about the cheating and why. I have been thinking a lot about if I even want to know those details and I do think I need to know from him if he was sleeping around, or if it was just emails seeking attention, and the reasons why. I need to know that he understands the underlying reasons behind his actions in order to move forward.

 

I will take your advice and not stress over the details yet. There will be a better time to talk about it later on. No matter what, I see the importance of talking about everything before proceeding. Step by step.

 

 

We have been chatting since then. Just small talk. I'm feeling a little better.