Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier when you wrote. I felt pretty crappy today. Not sure what triggered it, but it's probably just all my negative thoughts about him being with her. Thank you so much for your take on things. I want so much to believe that you're correct about everything, and it's very comforting when I read your words. But then my mind starts imagining the worst again, and I know I'll never hear from him. I know she's there to stay, and our time together is long over. Then I start feeling not good enough, not hot enough, not exciting enough. Even though she's this horrible person who abandoned her family, it just doesn't bother him in the least. The thoughts just spiral until I'm in a horrible mood.

 

Which is what it sounds like is happening with you. The negative thoughts piling on top of each other until you fully believe the worst. I completely get how you're feeling. You tried to protect yourself by being prepared not to hear from him again, or knowing that it might take some time, but you were still disappointed when there was no further contact today. It's just an awful awful feeling, isn't it? Believing that they really don't care enough, and that the end of the road has long since passed.

 

But I really don't feel that's the case with yours. I don't believe at all that he's playing games, or that he doesn't want to talk anymore. I agree that he probably hoped you would say you missed him, which would make it easier on him. But that's just because he doesn't know where to start. He may feel that if he apologizes, or acknowledges it in any way, you'll go off on him and he won't have anything to say for himself because he knows he's guilty. Fear of confrontation. And/or he may be afraid you'll tell him that you don't want to try again. Fear of rejection. Or he may hope it can be swept under the rug and you guys can just get back on good terms and forget it ever happened, but I'm sure he knows that's not going to fly with you. But whatever it is, I still feel that he DOES want to reconcile and get back together. He wouldn't have hung that picture on his fridge if he didn't, and he wouldn't have shown it to you. I can almost guarantee that you'll hear from him again, but we don't know how long it will take him to make his next move. I would guess within a few days, but we'll have to wait and see. I know how hard it is, but try to have faith! I'm almost positive he's not just playing games - for all his faults, he doesn't seem the type to do that, at least.

 

I hope to be around more tomorrow. Sorry again for being so quiet! I slipped back into isolation mode, just trying to process things. I honestly don't know where to go from here. I know I need to give up, even though I don't want to, but I don't know how. Has your therapist tried to get you to move on, or is she pretty patient with where you are? By move on, I mean has she at all suggested that you should put him in the past and give up hope (before his latest contact today, of course)? Just curious, because I still feel like most people don't understand hanging onto something for so long. I really appreciate that you understand why I'm stuck.

 

Agh, this sucks. Just started crying as I'm typing for some reason. Hang in there ksol. I know that you will hear from him again soon. It's going to require patience and the acceptance of uncertainty, but you've done it for this long, so just keep at it for a little while longer. I think he's close to making a move. If he doesn't, and you get tired of the waiting and the not knowing, I wonder if it would be beneficial to consider initiating the conversation with him. I'm not suggesting it, just wondering off the top of my head, and haven't really thought it through yet. I just know that the waiting is torture, and I hate to have to see you go through it. BUT, I do remain positive that things are looking up! This latest is a really good sign.

 

I'll talk to you tomorrow. Hugs.

[East4]

Ksol, you received the proverbial breadcrumb. By replying to his shallow text, you regressed in your healing, and also reassured your ex that you are there still pinning on him. The text was meaningless, he was fishing for attention and got his ego boost. What you got is a heap of anxiety.

 

There's this article on the baggagereclaim website that hopefully you would find useful

 

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[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Im sorry that you're having a difficult time picking yourself up. There were some very important keys things that you said throughout your post that signified there is a battle between your heart and mind. I know that struggle was always there, but it is more prominent now and you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to move on. I'll explain what my therapist has said about this later, but first I wanted to respond about a few other things.

 

Then I start feeling not good enough, not hot enough, not exciting enough.

 

This is how powerful the mind is. You are helping me in ways you may not understand because as you are explaining what you are going through, I am seeing myself. I even hear myself in your words. You are trying to be positive, but your mind begins to wander off resulting in a lot of negative thinking. I do this often and I get into extreme thinking. Those words I quoted is exactly how I feel at times. When they are far from the truth. You said it yourself, she is not this great person and she isn't. I don't care how beautiful she is. She's not a great person. Even in my situation, I try to stay away from those thoughts but I can't help it sometimes...what is so exciting about these other women..are they better than me. Don't attack yourself because it's not about you as a person. My therapist says this all the time. It's best to put things into perspective realistically. See lostlove, we both hang on to hope. Hope that he'll change, hope that he'll come back. Those things don't always happen the way we want them to or when we want them to. You shouldn't make a decision to move on or hold on. That's too much pressure to put on yourself. My therapist says this all the time. She will explain the facts to me....what he did, what I did. She promotes me to look inward and take accountability, but she always lays it all out on the table so that I can see for myself and make a decision for myself. We spoke about this yesterday. She told me I was being very hard on myself and that I was taking too much accountability for what happened. It's not all on my shoulders. I did try. I did make so much progress. He didn't meet me halfway. He may have tried but he didn't do anything to try to figure out what wasn't working in our relationship. He chose to reach out to other women. He chose to walk away. What I'm trying to say is, give yourself more credit. You did what you thought was best for you. You stood your ground. You didn't want to settle for anything less than what you deserve. You need committment and change in order to move forward in the relationship. He didn't see that and wasn't willing to make those things happen for whatever reason. In the midst of that struggle with you, this woman came along. Rather than he continue to try to make things work with you. Rather than stand by you in that turbulent time in your relationship, he chose an easy way out. He chose to start a relationship with this woman. Realistically we don't know what is going to happen with them. She could be there to stay in his life for some time or she could be moving out and moving on. I truly feel it's the latter. Her recent history shows she is not stopping for anyone. She wants to accomplish something in her life for herself. I don't think she is going to stay in a relationship with your guy at all. But what she is doing isn't really the concern. I think what's more important is that you come to terms with the reality of the situation in its entirety. Life does have to go on. I think you can make small some changes in your life so that it's more manageable, make progress slowly, and eventually things will fall into place whether he comes back or not. Focus inward. My therapist says this all the time. You don't have to make a definite decision....I'm going to wait for him or I'm moving on without him. It doesn't have to be like that. You can keep the hope deep inside your heart, but at the same time you can try to move forward slowly by changing small things in your life. I think that way your heart and mind won't struggle so much with eachother. If you follow what I'm saying. I still feel he will reach out to you, I just don't know when.

 

I agree that he probably hoped you would say you missed him, which would make it easier on him. But that's just because he doesn't know where to start. He may feel that if he apologizes, or acknowledges it in any way, you'll go off on him and he won't have anything to say for himself because he knows he's guilty. Fear of confrontation. And/or he may be afraid you'll tell him that you don't want to try again. Fear of rejection. Or he may hope it can be swept under the rug and you guys can just get back on good terms and forget it ever happened, but I'm sure he knows that's not going to fly with you. But whatever it is, I still feel that he DOES want to reconcile and get back together. He wouldn't have hung that picture on his fridge if he didn't, and he wouldn't have shown it to you. I can almost guarantee that you'll hear from him again, but we don't know how long it will take him to make his next move. I would guess within a few days, but we'll have to wait and see. I know how hard it is, but try to have faith! I'm almost positive he's not just playing games - for all his faults, he doesn't seem the type to do that, at least.

 

Realistically, I think you are right here. I'm not sure if you remember what happened last time, but he contacted by text after two months. I was very slow to respond. I was short and brief in my responses. He wasn't pushing to talk much either. He was reluctant and so was I. We were both afraid of rejection. He didn't know how I would respond or if I'd turn him down. I didn't know if he was just throwing me breadcrumbs. I stopped replying mid conversation and he left it like that until the next day. I didn't think he would text again and then the following day in the afternoon he contacted again. He finally said he realized I didn't want to small talk and then he went straight to the point about what happened with the break up and that he wanted to get back together. Of course, this time is going to be much more difficult because he has to acknowledge his cheating. Communicating is very difficult for him and I fail to take that into account. This is the type of person he is. So while I'm thinking he doesn't care, he might have someone else, he is just playing games, that may not even be the case. It is most likely him trying to find a way to open conversation between us. I'm not going to help him just yet. As I read your post, I remembered what I read in Dr. Weil's book. She said when they reach out, don't reach for them to help them reconnect. Wait patiently. They have to go further into their emptiness and reach for you again. I can't make this easy for him. It won't do me any good. I am going to stay put and just wait. I don't have a choice. I keep feeling like maybe he has other distractions...other women he is talking to or something like that, but I have to give him a chance to do this on his own. I have to stand my ground. If he doesn't contact again, then I just keep going. Last night, I rehashed a lot of what happened. I thought about the lies, his excuses, everything that he was doing behind my back. I got very angry and concluded he's just playing games because that's what it feels like, but he really isn't that type of person. i don't really know what he is thinking. It's very hard for me to remain patient.

 

It's going to require patience and the acceptance of uncertainty, but you've done it for this long, so just keep at it for a little while longer. I think he's close to making a move. If he doesn't, and you get tired of the waiting and the not knowing, I wonder if it would be beneficial to consider initiating the conversation with him. I'm not suggesting it, just wondering off the top of my head, and haven't really thought it through yet. I just know that the waiting is torture, and I hate to have to see you go through it. BUT, I do remain positive that things are looking up! This latest is a really good sign. [/Quote]

 

I know that you're right and you've made an excellent point. I've made it this far, a little longer won't kill me. It does seem like he is close to making some sort of move or maybe that's going to be it for another few weeks. I hope he's not waiting for me to take some initiative. He has to do this on his own. I think my fear right now is that he sent that message hoping for me to come forward, paving a path for him. I fear that he won't try again. I am thinking I won't hear from him again for a while. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of initiating a conversation with him, but I am afraid that he may reject me or take advantage, I don't know his intentions at this point. I think it's best to wait. I know I'm my response I let him know I am no longer angry and that the door is open to communication. Like you said, what he does with it is up to him. I'm trying to see this latest contact as a good sign, but I really don't know for sure. When I saw that he went to church on Sunday, it does make sense now that he has been thinking of me and something is definitely going on within him. It's a good sign, but I have to remind myself that nothing may come out of it. That's my way of protecting myself. I just want to go home and go back to bed. I'm just really sad today.

 

I was also very sad to read that you have been in tears lately lostlove. You're such a kind hearted person. I'm very sorry that you're having a hard time with all of this. I think it's ok to have hope. Don't be hard on yourself for hanging on to hope. I think that hope will always be there because of the circumstances of your situation. I am wondering as more time goes by, do you ever consider reaching out to him?

 

Hang in there.

[Ksol9]

I just had a feeling I wasn't going to hear from him after that text yesterday. That was so awkward. It's like he sent a message to initiate conversation and I didn't get the memo or something. I really don't understand what is going on. I'm feeling really terrible. Am I missing something?

 

Maybe he feels that what he did wasn't that bad and because I am the dumper, I should be the one to initiate things with him? It's like so much time passed and he sent me a photo saying...hey we're still here. I'm so confused and my patience is wearing thin. I just don't get it. I went on his Facebook and he has been posting all kinds of things. He's been sharing inspirational videos, news, sports, funny memes. It looks like he doesn't have a care in the world. I feel like I'm the only one sitting around and worrying.

 

I spoke to my therapist about the text message. She said she was not surprised i heard from him, and also not surprised I heard from him in such a passive manner. She agreed that he was most likely hoping I would be the one to initiate conversation. She felt that the way I handled it was very kind, mature, and appropriate, but feels that he needs to be more direct about it. Sending a picture is a bit different than him saying "hi, I know it has been a while, but I was hoping we could talk."

She has always told me that nothing changes if nothing changes and it looks like the only thing that is changing is my progression on my path to healing. She is not fond of the way he has handled things. I know most people are not very fond of him. He lacks integrity which is exemplary of a good person.

 

Do you think him sending the photo translated in his mind as...hey, can we talk?? I don't know what to think anymore. I just can't wrap my head around this at all. He's extremely passive. It's strange for someone to behave that way when they've done something wrong. No sympathy, no remorse. I feel like I probably won't hear from him again for weeks if not ever again. This is horrible and I'm feeling extremely discouraged.

[dirkdaring]

I love the bond that you both have created on this thread, to see you both report and hold each other up as well as accountable.

I have read every word of this thread, and so much of it hits me where I'm hurting right now. I'm learning a lot of patience through ya'll and how challenging no-contact is every day. It's hard, because, like you, I just wish I had answers. Then, like you, my brain bounces around between the empowering highs and the crushing lows.

 

I'm all over the place with this. I have no idea if I'll ever hear from her again(sound familar? But reading threads like this, and especially this one, help, at least a little bit.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm having another bad day. I feel bad that I haven't been as present here as I was before, and I apologize again for that! Thank you for being patient with me. I read your other post earlier and was going to reply, but let me just reply to the most recent one for now. I do want to say thank you, though, for your advice in the first one. I appreciate the support and amazing insight more than you know! I'll write more about those things later.

 

Okay, so. I totally get why you're feeling so discouraged and frustrated. PASSIVE is the perfect word for the way he addresses things, and honestly, it can be maddening trying to figure out what such a person is thinking and feeling and wanting. It's not a quality I would ever choose to have in a mate, that is for sure. But we love who we love, faults and all, and I would put this at the top of his fault list. If he wasn't so passive, you wouldn't be going through what you're going through now because he would have stepped forward sooner and he would have been more direct. I wonder if this is a quality that can improved, or if you would have to deal with this forever if you do reconcile? Just something to think about.

 

So it's interesting to hear that your therapist feels the same way you and I do about it. That he needs to be the one to speak up and say something. He's the one who did something wrong and hurtful, and he needs to show that he has remorse for it and won't do it again. He needs to explain why he did it in the first place. He needs to apologize for hurting you. He needs to ask how you're feeling and if you're okay. He needs to do a lot of things, but the problem is that while he's dilly-dallying around being passive, you're feeling worried and depressed and uncertain and confused and uncared for every single day. And that's just not fair.

 

It is possible that he's waiting for you to say you want to try again. It's possible that he doesn't think he did anything wrong (and if he feels that way, then that's a problem, ya know?). We just don't know what he's thinking, because there has been almost zero communication. I guess this is a great example of why everyone always says that communication is SO important in a relationship.

 

You have two choices here: 1) Wait it out for him to do the right thing, or 2) Initiate the conversation yourself. Which will bring you more peace right now, and also in the long run? My patience would be wearing very thin, but I can be pretty stubborn and hold out for a long time, so I'm not sure what I would do. I would be so angry right now if I were you, I think. But anger doesn't feel good and doesn't help anything.

 

Initiating the convo yourself involves risk and vulnerability, for sure. Dr Phil says to never invest more than you can afford to lose. So if reaching out and not getting the response you wanted would really set you back, then definitely don't do it. If, however, you could handle any outcome, then it might be worth it just to get it over with and stop with the daily torture of waiting on him. And if by some slim chance he didn't want to reconcile (and I really don't think that is the case at all, but it's always a possibility), then you would know and wouldn't have to wonder any more. Then your healing would take a different route than it is now.

 

If you wait him out, then you have MUCH more leverage to require change from him. And you would know without a doubt that he wants to fix this, and it would be a lesson for him in learning that he needs to be more assertive and direct. I'm sure it takes practice, and he did it before, so this would be the second time. Maybe he will get better at it as he gains experience that it works to his benefit.

 

Sorry if this all seems a bit jumbled. I'm just throwing some thoughts out there for you to consider. For what it's worth, I really do think he wants to get back together, and it's just a matter of time. But this is stretching on and on, and I can totally understand why it's so discouraging and hurtful to keep waiting and waiting. If it takes him another month to be direct, while maybe sending a few more passive texts between now and then, would you still take him back? I am honestly angry at him on your behalf, because this is ridiculous. As I've said before, I try really hard to understand why people do what they do, but eventually when it becomes so hurtful to the other person, it just doesn't matter why they're doing it anymore. The fact remains that they ARE doing it, and it is hurtful, and that's not really okay.

[lostlove76]

I love the bond that you both have created on this thread, to see you both report and hold each other up as well as accountable.

I have read every word of this thread, and so much of it hits me where I'm hurting right now. I'm learning a lot of patience through ya'll and how challenging no-contact is every day. It's hard, because, like you, I just wish I had answers. Then, like you, my brain bounces around between the empowering highs and the crushing lows.

 

I'm all over the place with this. I have no idea if I'll ever hear from her again(sound familar? But reading threads like this, and especially this one, help, at least a little bit.

 

Hi dirkdaring. I'm so glad to hear that you're getting something out of reading our thoughts here I haven't read your story, but I can sense from your post that you're feeling just as frustrated as we are. It sucks! But it helps to have support, and to see that others are going through the same thing. Glad to have you on board here at ena, and best of luck to you in your situation

[dirkdaring]

Hi dirkdaring. I'm so glad to hear that you're getting something out of reading our thoughts here I haven't read your story, but I can sense from your post that you're feeling just as frustrated as we are. It sucks! But it helps to have support, and to see that others are going through the same thing. Glad to have you on board here at ena, and best of luck to you in your situation

 

Well then, GO READ IT! LOL but seriously, any response on my particular thread makes me feel better, just knowing that someone took the time to read and respond!

 

I'm now finding myself helping answer other people's forums. This place is great, I'll stay here even when I'm healed.

[lostlove76]

Do you think him sending the photo translated in his mind as...hey, can we talk?? I don't know what to think anymore. I just can't wrap my head around this at all. He's extremely passive. It's strange for someone to behave that way when they've done something wrong. No sympathy, no remorse. I feel like I probably won't hear from him again for weeks if not ever again. This is horrible and I'm feeling extremely discouraged.

 

Hey again. I wanted to add a little more, because I threw out a lot of food for thought there but I'm not sure I addressed what he might be thinking. This is just a guess, of course, but here's what I think. (And sorry if I repeat myself from earlier posts, but I know that sometimes it helps to hear something several times). Okay, so, trying to get in his head...

 

I think he DOES want to get back together - I feel fairly certain about this. I think the majority of what's holding him back is fear of rejection. As far as he knows, you haven't changed your mind from the last time you talked to him, which is when you told him that it was basically over forever. He would have no clue what you've been thinking over the past 5-6 weeks. Like you, he's had a complete lack of information during this period of NC, so all he has to go on is what you said when it ended. He has no reason to think that you've changed your mind. So now that he's reached out with the picture text, he can see that you don't hate him and won't ignore him, and that you're willing to be friendly and polite. But that's all he knows. He doesn't know that you want to get back together. He was probably hoping that you would say you miss him, and he could say he misses you too, and things could go from there. But he didn't receive that, so now he doesn't know what to do next. I'm sure he's mulling it over. He may very well feel like since you haven't initiated any contact in 6 weeks, and since you didn't take the "bait" when he texted, that you've decided to move on. He was feeling you out, in a very low-risk way. I fully believe that he'll text again; I just don't know how long it will take him.

 

I know it's really really hard not to think the worst, but I hope that it's of some comfort to know what it looks like from the outside (without all the emotions and negative self-talk blurring reality). This is truly how I see things, and I think it's only a matter of time before you hear from him again. I wish I could predict how long it will take him. I was thinking a few days, but if he is feeling as discouraged as you are (which is possible!), then it may take him longer because it feels safer to do nothing. He'll come back around though!

[Ksol9]

I feel bad that I haven't been as present here as I was before, and I apologize again for that! Thank you for being patient with me. I read your other post earlier and was going to reply, but let me just reply to the most recent one for now. I do want to say thank you, though, for your advice in the first one. I appreciate the support and amazing insight more than you know! I'll write more about those things later.

 

No need to apologize lostlove. I completely understand what you are going through at the moment. I actually think it is a good thing to take a break. You need some time to process everything. Either way, I'm so glad you were able to respond. You help me so much, I know I've said this many times, but I truly appreciate your insight.

 

Okay, so. I totally get why you're feeling so discouraged and frustrated. PASSIVE is the perfect word for the way he addresses things, and honestly, it can be maddening trying to figure out what such a person is thinking and feeling and wanting. It's not a quality I would ever choose to have in a mate, that is for sure. But we love who we love, faults and all, and I would put this at the top of his fault list. If he wasn't so passive, you wouldn't be going through what you're going through now because he would have stepped forward sooner and he would have been more direct. I wonder if this is a quality that can improved, or if you would have to deal with this forever if you do reconcile? Just something to think about.

 

His passive nature is something I knew about from the very beginning. I actually knew from the very beginning that this was going to be a major problem within our relationship. I can be quite passive at times too, but I am learning and I am consistently doing work to improve communication. Its a very wrong way to deal with things. Unfortunately, I don't think this is going to change about him. Ironically, he is very receptive and tries to communicate and will often push me to communicate if I am present, but anytime I run away or what is happening now, I notice he is very passive. He fears rejection, conflict, or confrontation..maybe all three.

 

If you wait him out, then you have MUCH more leverage to require change from him. And you would know without a doubt that he wants to fix this, and it would be a lesson for him in learning that he needs to be more assertive and direct. I'm sure it takes practice, and he did it before, so this would be the second time. Maybe he will get better at it as he gains experience that it works to his benefit.

 

I would so much rather he be a little more direct with me. I am actually feeling really terrible right now about not taking the opportunity to open communication with his. I do agree with you that this is getting really ridiculous at this point. It has been going on for too long. It has been 6 weeks since everything happened and he's just poking his head in to see if I will be assertive in saying I want to work things out?? I don't have a problem creating conversation with him, but at the same time, it's not my battle. He messed up and I would feel like I'm, once again, helping him fix his mistakes. I wouldn't really know if he really wanted to fix things because he put in all the effort on his own or if because I made things convenient and easy for him...he'll play along. I can't take that risk..especially for the reason for our split. I have to be sure that he knows I will not tolerate cheating or other women lurking around in our relationship. Now that I'm actually typing, I see that I should wait this out. The only problem with waiting is...what is going to happen to me if he takes another 3-6 weeks to say something to me. I'm not going to have any hair left! This is torture! For what reason?? It's so silly..if he just stood up to the plate, we would be saving a lot of problems. Maybe he doesn't want me to have any leverage? Maybe he thinks I would try to control him...which I would never do.

 

I think he DOES want to get back together - I feel fairly certain about this. I think the majority of what's holding him back is fear of rejection. As far as he knows, you haven't changed your mind from the last time you talked to him, which is when you told him that it was basically over forever. He would have no clue what you've been thinking over the past 5-6 weeks. Like you, he's had a complete lack of information during this period of NC, so all he has to go on is what you said when it ended. He has no reason to think that you've changed your mind. So now that he's reached out with the picture text, he can see that you don't hate him and won't ignore him, and that you're willing to be friendly and polite. But that's all he knows. He doesn't know that you want to get back together. He was probably hoping that you would say you miss him, and he could say he misses you too, and things could go from there. But he didn't receive that, so now he doesn't know what to do next. I'm sure he's mulling it over. He may very well feel like since you haven't initiated any contact in 6 weeks, and since you didn't take the "bait" when he texted, that you've decided to move on. He was feeling you out, in a very low-risk way. I fully believe that he'll text again; I just don't know how long it will take him.

 

I too think he was hoping that I would say I missed him and he would be able to go from there, but because I responded so emotionless, he has no idea what to do. You are correct that he has no idea what I am thinking. I have not once said anything to him am regarding my feelings since I sent the screenshots. I don't have Facebook or Instagram activated so he doesn't know if I'm sad, mad, or have moved on. He probably thinks I am indifferent and could really care less anymore...that is what it seems like. My response yesterday easily seemed like I was over the whole thing. I actually feel really guilty that I haven't even asked how the children are doing, but you made an excellent point. He doesn't give a crap about how I feel or how I'm doing. If he did show some concern, I'd be more open. It shouldn't matter that I'm the one who dumped him, I had good reason. I just feel really strange showing him that I want to work things out without hearing it from him first. I just need to know there is a genuine interest in making amends. A picture signifying he misses me is not going to work. There's too much room for interpretation there. Am I wrong in my thinking? I'm actually feeling bad for not taking that as cue to open dialogue for reconciliation. Was I wrong for the way I respknded and not wanting to be the assertive one?

 

I don't know what to think and I certainly don't know what to do. To me, this just isn't a good sign at all. I think he may just give up because he may have gotten the impression I've just moved on. I'm so afraid that I won't hear from him again and I'm afraid that if I do, it won't be for a very long time. I can't take this.

 

As I was typing...he sent a text saying hi.

 

I'll be back to update. I'm going to try to see where this goes. Wish me luck!

[lostlove76]

Ohhhhhh okay, good luck!!! I'll keep checking back to see!

[Ksol9]

He says hi, I said hi back. Then he asks how are you and then went on to say he feels really lost. I was taken back so I ask why does he feel lost and I asked if he was ok. He responded saying...I know I hurt you terribly and I feel terrible I feel like I'm not worthy of your presence. I responded...I just don't understand why you did those things. I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. It's something that weighs on me every single day, but I'm not angry with you and I don't hate you.

Then he went on to say that if he were in my shoes, He would hate him. Then he asked if I could come over to talk. I didn't respond. I don't feel comfortable running over there to talk.

 

When he said if he were in my shoes, he would hate him...my heart sank because I'm wondering what really happened. Maybe it's worse than what I think. I am going to tell him that at the very least he owes me honesty. I am hoping he is ready to be honest.

 

I don't even know what to say right about not going over tonight. My head is a mess. I need to get my thoughts together before I see him. I don't even know what to say to decline right now.

[Ksol9]

I don't know how to respond to going over there. Omg this is harder than I thought.

[Ksol9]

Maybe I should just go and get this talk over with

[rand100417]

I thought you wanted to talk to him before!

[Ksol9]

Yes I would like to talk to him but he seems to want to talk face to face.

[Ksol9]

Something is telling me I shouldn't run over there to talk the minute he asks. I need to let this settle in my head for a bit. This whole thing caught me by surprise. I still haven't responded. I don't know what to say but I'm thinking I will tell him I'm ready to talk but will see him another day..maybe tomorrow.

[rand100417]

Good idea. I think that's a good plan to be honest

[lostlove76]

Do what you feel comfortable with. You don't owe him anything as far as doing it his way, and when he's ready. If you would prefer to talk on the phone, you can do that instead. If you need time to get your thoughts together before seeing him, just tell him that. I agree with Anya - just be open and honest.

[lostlove76]

Did you reply?

[Ksol9]

You both are completely right. I don't need to make myself feel pressured to do anything. I'm just going to try to sleep on it and then I'll see what happens tomorrow. I also think it wouldn't have been a great idea to see him today. The minute he said he was with his boss I already knew there was alcohol involved. Whenever he has dinner with his boss which is about once a week, they drink over dinner and by the time he comes home, he tipsy. I need to have a straightforward and level headed conversation with him. That means he needs to be sober. He sent me a couple text messages after he said he understood. He said please come over and I was really hoping I could see you tonight to talk. He's being assertive now because he had some liquid courage.

 

You're absolutely correct though, this doesn't have to be on his terms. I'm not trying to be difficult or anything, I just need some time to absorb it all. It came out of no where and maybe it's better I let everything sink in before we talk. I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. It all happened so suddenly. It doesn't feel real. At the same time, I'm really scared. I have this knot in my throat because I'm afraid of what he has to tell me. I'm scared there is more that I'm doing to have to process. Those thoughts about him with another woman have been dealt with over the course of the last 6 weeks. I wasn't so focused on it and now I feel like I have to face what really happened in detail. Either way I am ready and I know it's necessary in order for us to sort this out. I don't even know if he will ever feel like talking after today. He might just brush it off again. Either way, he reached out and I know he is trying to reconcile. Whenever we talk, I'll be ready to listen and to share my thoughts on how we should proceed.

 

Thank you to everyone, especially lostlove, who commented. I was frantic and couldn't think straight at the moment..with no one around to ask for advice. Thank you very much.

[Ksol9]

Oh I didn't realize I didn't say that I told him I'm ready to tak but not tonight. Maybe tomorrow or another time. He responded saying he understood. And then followed by 2 more text messages Saying please come over and he was hoping I'd come over to talk tonight. I responded saying I understand that he was ready to see me and that he is ready to talk, but I was surprised to hear from him.

 

As I was typing I just received another message saying..Please don't be surprised because I think about you everyday and I kick myself in the ass everyday because I know I messed up please come over I need you

[Ksol9]

I received another message...I'm going to lay down in bed in a few I hope that you walk into our room.

 

Lol I wonder if he's just drunk?

 

It's unbelievable because I definitely wasn't expecting this.

 

I really have to stand my ground. Please be here to support me.

[Ksol9]

It's funny how the roles completely reversed. He is sounding exactly as I did when he broke up with me in February. I can literally hear myself in his words and if those words are truthful, then I know what pain he is going through. As much as I'd like to ease his pain, I can't. I need to be calm and collective and I need to show him my strength when we talk. Then after we talk about everything, then I can let go of all the emotions I'm just holding inside.

 

Someone pinch me.

[lostlove76]

As I was typing I just received another message saying..Please don't be surprised because I think about you everyday and I kick myself in the ass everyday because I know I messed up please come over I need you

Wow... well now you know he's been missing you!

 

This is a lot to process, so just give yourself the night and see how you feel tomorrow. It's okay not to have all the answers right now (about how you feel).

 

At the same time, I'm really scared. I have this knot in my throat because I'm afraid of what he has to tell me. I'm scared there is more that I'm doing to have to process. Those thoughts about him with another woman have been dealt with over the course of the last 6 weeks. I wasn't so focused on it and now I feel like I have to face what really happened in detail.

I really understand how you feel. When I went back to mine after finding out he was seeing others before we became exclusive (I found out by going through his phone)... or when we got back together after he moved and I realized he'd been seeing someone else during our break... or when I caught him on dating sites... I didn't want the details. I didn't even ask. All I wanted was to know that he would be with me and only me while we were in a relationship. I was scared to know what all he had done and with whom. I think I was better off not knowing, because the parts I did know already really hurt. But I buried my head in the sand a good bit with him, and accepted things I shouldn't have, and it got me nowhere good.

 

He might just brush it off again.

He won't!! He's ready to talk.

 

I know you're scared and aren't jumping for joy at his contact right now, but I'm really happy for you. I remember how it felt when mine reached out after the two most significant periods of NC (the first being after I went through his phone, the second being after he moved), and how relieved and happy I felt just to know that he still cared. I talked with him immediately after he called. I actually did go running right over that first time (the second time, he was 4 hours away, so we just talked on the phone). I was ready to put it behind me and be with him again. But I think you're being really smart to take your time and figure out what needs to happen from here on out. I kind of wish you had another therapy appointment tomorrow so that she could advise you on how best to handle this, but I'm sure you'll figure it out as it comes. Just go with what you feel, and REMAIN STRONG in what you want and need. You got this