Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ms Darcy]

Hi Ms Darcy,

 

Maybe I do have rose colored glasses on. I ask myself everyday if I am just in denial. Maybe I am not seeing things clearly. However, I did make one decision that I felt was best for me and that was picking up and leaving the day I found those emails. That was where I drew the line. Am I still hoping for change? Yes, but I haven't made a step toward him since I left and I won't unless I see real change. At this point, I am doubtful it will happen. I am fighting my thoughts everyday. Maybe this is a apart of the process. I wish there was a switch that I could easily turn off in my brain, but it's not that easy. I am a work in progress.

 

That was the best decision you could have made.

 

You have a series of other decisions you can make too. They will come in time. I thought you might find this interesting: /

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

I too agree with you on the drive bys, but it still doesn't change anything. He hasn't tried to communicate with me directly. I keep thinking that there has to be a reason or something stopping him from contacting me, but your experience with breakups have been different than mine, so there's no telling. I think I only remember one boyfriend I broke up with didn't directly say he wanted to work things out. He contacted me a few weeks after I broke up with him asking for something that belonged to him. Then a a couple months later sent me an email apologizing for everything. I've never broken up with someone due to cheating. This is the first time I've ever had to deal with something like this. Then again, I haven't really dated much. Just a few long term relationships. But the breakups were the same, me putting my foot down and saying harshly, I want nothing more to do with you. Maybe when he sent those text messages about the children, he hoped I would try to talk to him. When he said he hoped everything was well with me I should have responded saying...how the heck is everything going to be well?!? There is a time for everything. His silence says to me he isn't wiling to be honest. And a lot of times I contemplate with myself, he must not be contacting me because he is involved with someone else or talking to someone else on the phone.

 

What your father told you is similar to what my parents told me. The reason why is respect. They would tell me that he will lose respect for me if I'm constantly running away, breaking up with him, and then getting back together. The whole thing becomes a mockery and then you both lose respect for eachother. They always told me to come from a place of confidence. Confidence in knowing what you want, holding my composure in times of pressure, and respecting eachother. Not just reacting out of anger. I totally get why your dad would say that. Mine said the same.

 

Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I didn't move my things out, but left to cool off. He would not have taken me seriously. That would have sent the message that he could do those things and I would be willing to stay. I thought about it the entire night I laid awake. I didn't want to end things, I dont want to be doing any of this, but it's necessary. For both of us. He needed to learn that I won't tolerate things like that and I need to learn that I can be strong and that I do have self worth and standards. At the time I didn't even know what was going on. All I thought about was the word cheating and all the terrible things that stem from it. Out of all the times I ran away from him, this time was absolutely necessary and warranted.

 

I woke up from a bad dream and I can't fall back asleep. I was dreaming he had gone out of town. He was staying with a friend and his family. I called at night and he wasn't answering the phone. Then an older woman answered and it was the friend's mother. She said he left his phone charging and they went to visit a school. I got off the phone and I remember feeling so anxious because I felt he was doing something bad. Then the dream skipped a scene or something and he was back at home with the kids and I. I asked him about it and he became extremely defensive. I told him he was lying and walked away. Strange dream, but it made me feel horrible. In my sleep I am not getting away from this cheating thing and that is probably what my life would be like if I go back to that relationship.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm sorry you're having bad dreams. You're so right that this could be what your life would be like if you remained in the relationship (or went back). So in that respect, maybe it's better to think of this as a blessing in disguise. I can tell you that I was constantly paranoid and worried and suspicious and upset in my relationship. I knew he had this potential to seek attention (or worse) from other girls, so I never really trusted him. It caused a ton of anxiety and emotional ups and downs in my life. It was hell, honestly. Always scoping out his Facebook page for hints he was doing something he shouldn't be doing, always checking to see if he'd been on the dating site. Almost having a mini anxiety attack every time I heard his phone go off. You don't want to have to live like that! It will tear you apart. So if he doesn't reach out, try to see it as a bullet dodged.

 

I agree with everything you said about the effects of calling things off and then going back over and over again. Eventually they just don't even take it seriously anymore, so you lose your leverage. I think that's part of why we do it - hoping they will shape up if they realize they could lose us. But after a few times, they just discover that they aren't actually going to lose us, because we go back.

 

I absolutely think you did the right thing by leaving and taking all your stuff. Anything less would just allow him to figure out how to hide it better and get away with it, not stop. Cheating should never be put up with or brushed under the rug. You can tell him all you want not to do it again, but it's all just words unless you actually leave. It's unfortunate, and ridiculous, that it has to be that way.

 

It sounds like you end things the same way I do. I become extremely harsh and make it clear that I am done forever. I guess most people would take it as truly being done. My last guy just learned to take it with a grain of salt because it happened so many times. This period of NC is probably of benefit for you, so that your guy doesn't learn to take it with a grain of salt. If things had been worked out a week after this happened, he would remember that next time be felt like communicating with other women - "she took me back last time, I can handle another week of a 'tantrum' and then things will smooth out." That's how he would see it - you throwing a little tantrum and then getting over it. Not saying that's what you would be doing, of course!! But that's how he would see it.

 

Last night, my ex's married girlfriend (ugh, so horrible) posted a pic of herself and husband and two kids under her friend's post. The friend said something about missing her kids, and married woman said she does too and then posted a pic of just her and her kids, and also the family pic. She didn't have to post the one that included her husband, but she did. So I'm hoping this means she's still missing him and that things will blow up with my ex at some point soon. I know he won't think of me at all until she's gone. Then maybe (even though I feel it's a long shot) he'll remember what we had. Even if he and I never get back together (and how could I really take him back after all this, honestly?), I just want some sign that what we had mattered.

[Ksol9]

Incredibly angry today. I've been through this a few times already and I know when I begin to feel exteremly angry, a breakdown will follow. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I didn't sleep much last night. Lack of sleep can definitely alter mood.

 

I've been stewing in my anger for hours. It's borderline ridiculous. I'm irritated with everyone around me. I keep thinking about the ridiculous excuses this man gave me. I caught myself mimicking him out loud. I'm so angry with him and his stupidity. I almost feel like texting him and asking him if he lost feelings for me why didn't he just end the relationship sooner?!? If I came across him today I would insult him like there's no tomorrow. I don't want to be this bitter, angry person. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome.

 

Just as you said, had I not left, my life would have been hell. The only way our relationship would have changed is through losing one another. He would have to acknowledge what he did wrong and change. Which he isn't willing to do as shown through his silence. The way you describe how paranoid you were is exactly how I didn't want to live and that is why I left. The fighting, the constant worrying, the risk. It wasn't worth it the way things were going. Im getting so impatient with myself.

 

As for the other woman who is with your guy, if she is posting photos of her family, that definitely means there is an open wound. She is missing her family. There is something that is definitely wrong. I don't see her staying with your guy long term at all. I wonder if he has seen the things she has posted on her husbands page and the photos? Is he the type of guy to get jealous or he doesn't mind? Maybe they don't have a serious relationship? Maybe they are using it for what it's worth? And I do think he thinks of you even though he is with this woman. I think that you are correct that he won't do anything about it as long as she is there. As far as taking him back after what happened, I don't think it's out of the question at all. Couples go through all sorts of things, even other relationships during splits, and they get back together stronger than ever, but that depends on his level of commitment when he comes back. He has to compromise after all he has put you through. Ultimately it is up to you and what you feel you will and will not be comfortable living with. Does your guy have a circle of friends or does he just hang out with this woman?

 

My guy hasn't posted anything other than the photos from the mall on Sunday and yesterday he shared a CNN article about a husband and wife living in India. The wife got sick and died in the hospital. The husband had no money so he wrapped her in some sort of fabric and carried her over his shoulder for miles. I thought that was so strange he even posted something like that. Normally he will post funny video clips or news articles of political matters, or other things of his general interest. Since I left him, there's crickets on there. I don't know if you remember during our first split, he would post photos of flowers he sent me early in our relationship, he posted love songs, quotes, ect. Throughout our entire split he posted indirect messages to me. When we got back together, he confirmed he was doing it because he missed me and he said he knew I was looking.

 

I guess I am at the same crossroad as you are...I just want to know that what we had mattered to him. I don't have any hope that I will ever hear from mine again. Yours has shown you that he was willing to try to make amends and then gave up after repeated attempts. That doesn't mean to say he will never try again. Mine never once called or text and at this point, I don't see that happening.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. This post will be quick, because I need to eat, gather my stuff, and get over to where I'm housesitting for the night. Give me a couple hours to do all that and get settled over there, and then I'll reply to everything in your last post. Just wanted to address the anger real quick. I know exactly what that feels like. I've sat and just stewed in anger so many times over mine, so I totally get it. It's sooo unhealthy, though. It absolutely drains you, and that's probably why you say a breakdown typically follows. All the negative thoughts build and build and cause a ton of stress and anxiety. You get all worked up, which makes it even harder to sleep at night. Your anger is 100% justified, no doubt. But for nothing but your own sake, you will be better off if you can dial it back somehow. Either redirect your mind into something else for a bit, something calming like a game or coloring or doodling. Or write him a letter that you DON'T send, and just get it all out of your system, all the anger and hurt feelings, as a form of release. Or cry if you can - it can feel very cleansing. If you don't want to do any of that, I totally understand. I think feeling angry gives us some sense of power when we're feeling completely powerless. But it only hurts us, not them. I just hate for you to have to feel that way, because I know how awful it feels. And like I said, it's very very unhealthy. I've never really made many attempts to control mine, though - it's easy to suggest all this, but when you're feeling it, you just keep hanging onto the feeling. I have noticed that the techniques I mentioned above do help, though, and will make you feel better for a little while.

 

Hugs... Hang in there. I'll be back shortly.

[Ksol9]

You know I'm sitting here thinking...what he did was REALLY terrible. I mean he's sitting in a hotel room on a business trip and because I wasn't answering calls or texts, he sends another women an email telling her he is in town. They exchange numbers and began texting afterwards. He deleted the emails and it sat in his trash folder. This was premeditated. We had an argument earlier in the day and he planned this...out of anger, or spite, or whatever the case may be. This IS horrible. This is someone who constantly told me how much he loved me and was lucky to have me in his life. This is just carelessness. This is a man that can't be trusted. He litterally sent me an I love you text in between emails to her. This is sick! No wonder he doesn't have anything to say for himself! He looks absolutely ridiculous for what he did. I'd be embarrassed to come forward to save the relationship even if I wanted to. I wouldn't even know where to begin if I were in his shoes.

 

I'm here in pain, heart broken over this broken man. He tried to make me feel like I was the insecure one. Insecure people try to make other people feel insecure. What am I not seeing? Why do I refuse to see this person was not good to me. I don't care how great he was to me all the other times, to make a decision like that is just out of this world. What about all the other circumstantial things I found? I the Facebook searches, the facebook messages. He was definitely starting to stray. I should not question that at all. I keep trying to make exceptions for him when he doesn't even have anything to say for himself.

 

Thank you for all the techniques you have suggested. I'm trying my best. God knows I'm trying to move forward. I just keep going back and forth. This whole thing is wrong on so many levels. I even think the first break up was because he just wanted to play around for a bit and then get back together. I feel so taken advantage of...and imagine I want conversation with this person. I think I've got it backwards...believe actions, not words!

[lostlove76]

Agh, I kept falling asleep. I don't get enough quality sleep, either. It's a tremendous problem.

 

Im getting so impatient with myself.

I understand, but do try to be patient with yourself. There's unfortunately no way of rushing this. Everything that has happened is a lot to process and deal with, and it all takes time. Also remember what was told to me, and what I've told you - that it's not a linear process. You'll go back and forth and up and down, from angry to forgiving and back again a dozen times.

 

As for the other woman who is with your guy, if she is posting photos of her family, that definitely means there is an open wound. She is missing her family. There is something that is definitely wrong. I don't see her staying with your guy long term at all. I wonder if he has seen the things she has posted on her husbands page and the photos? Is he the type of guy to get jealous or he doesn't mind? Maybe they don't have a serious relationship? Maybe they are using it for what it's worth? And I do think he thinks of you even though he is with this woman. I think that you are correct that he won't do anything about it as long as she is there. As far as taking him back after what happened, I don't think it's out of the question at all. Couples go through all sorts of things, even other relationships during splits, and they get back together stronger than ever, but that depends on his level of commitment when he comes back. He has to compromise after all he has put you through. Ultimately it is up to you and what you feel you will and will not be comfortable living with. Does your guy have a circle of friends or does he just hang out with this woman?

I'm thinking that he probably hasn't seen these posts to and about her husband. I don't think he's the type to snoop around for it, and they unfriended each other and never added each other back when they broke up or whatever happened a few weeks ago. So they aren't even facebook friends, and so it wouldn't pop up in his newsfeed. I wish he would see it though! If he's the jealous type, he keeps it to himself. He's very laid-back, and also very prideful. So I'm not sure how much it would bother him to see it. Surely it would, though. I just don't understand why, if she misses them so much, she just doesn't go on back home already. She's apparently having the time of her life at the beach, so I guess that's why. I'm sure that her home life is boring by comparison. Selfish, selfish, selfish. You give up the right to run off and do whatever you want when you have kids. I get in a spiral of angry thoughts, like you've been doing, when I start thinking about it. I have no idea anymore if he hangs out with just her, or still goes to the bars, or what he does. Or how much "togetherness" they have. She's very selective with her postings, since she's married, so I can't tell. It's 95% selfies that make me want to gag, and 5% of her equally trashy girl friends. And his page is private. I hope it's casual, but I did see that post he liked about falling in love with the most unexpected person a week or two ago. He gets attached.

 

My guy hasn't posted anything other than the photos from the mall on Sunday and yesterday he shared a CNN article about a husband and wife living in India. The wife got sick and died in the hospital. The husband had no money so he wrapped her in some sort of fabric and carried her over his shoulder for miles. I thought that was so strange he even posted something like that. Normally he will post funny video clips or news articles of political matters, or other things of his general interest. Since I left him, there's crickets on there. I don't know if you remember during our first split, he would post photos of flowers he sent me early in our relationship, he posted love songs, quotes, ect. Throughout our entire split he posted indirect messages to me. When we got back together, he confirmed he was doing it because he missed me and he said he knew I was looking.

That was kind of a sentimental type post for him to share. Strange, if he doesn't usually. Maybe he's thinking about what really matters in life. As for not posting much otherwise, compared to during the last breakup.... I think I told you how I used to post various things hoping mine would see (way before this final breakup), and then I eventually just stopped it altogether. 1) It doesn't feel like it does any good at all, and 2) I'd rather he just have no clue what I'm up to. So maybe that's why yours is laying low. He knows you'll see it, but he knows it won't cause you to reach out, because it didn't last time. So maybe it just feels kind of pointless. Or maybe he feels silly doing it, since you guys talked about it and he fessed up to why he was doing it before. Or maybe he wants you to wonder what he's up to. Or maybe he's feeling too down to bother with facebook socializing. It could be any number of reasons, but I agree that there's definitely a noticeable difference between last time and this time.

 

I guess I am at the same crossroad as you are...I just want to know that what we had mattered to him.

Yep It's the most horrible feeling in the world to feel like it didn't matter, and was so easily thrown away. For what it's worth, though, I see people feeling this exact same way on these threads here all the time. People even use the same phrases - "what we had meant nothing to him/her," "he/she threw it away like trash," etc. So I guess everyone feels this way in the midst of silence. But it's just a feeling, and doesn't mean it's true. And for that matter, maybe your ex is feeling the same way. Not knowing what in the world he's thinking is the worst part.

 

I don't have any hope that I will ever hear from mine again. Yours has shown you that he was willing to try to make amends and then gave up after repeated attempts. That doesn't mean to say he will never try again. Mine never once called or text and at this point, I don't see that happening.

Yes, but mine wasn't coming back with a changed attitude or any real efforts or plans to do better. He just wanted to continue what we had, which was keeping me at arm's length and not committing so that he could do whatever the hell else he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. It did make me feel better that he kept trying (until he stopped), but I knew that it wasn't with pure intentions on his part, ya know? So I don't know that it's anything to be envied. Driving four hours and showing up on my doorstep would have been a REAL effort, and that just didn't happen. Hopefully, if and when your guy makes contact (and I still feel like he surely will), it will be with real change. Just like you said to me: "He has to compromise after all he has put you through" goes for your guy, too. We can't allow them to just waltz back in, doing what they've always done.

[lostlove76]

You know I'm sitting here thinking...what he did was REALLY terrible. I mean he's sitting in a hotel room on a business trip and because I wasn't answering calls or texts, he sends another women an email telling her he is in town. They exchange numbers and began texting afterwards. He deleted the emails and it sat in his trash folder. This was premeditated. We had an argument earlier in the day and he planned this...out of anger, or spite, or whatever the case may be. This IS horrible. This is someone who constantly told me how much he loved me and was lucky to have me in his life. This is just carelessness. This is a man that can't be trusted. He litterally sent me an I love you text in between emails to her. This is sick! No wonder he doesn't have anything to say for himself! He looks absolutely ridiculous for what he did. I'd be embarrassed to come forward to save the relationship even if I wanted to. I wouldn't even know where to begin if I were in his shoes.

 

Mine did the saaaaame thing! Any time I wouldn't talk to him, or said it was over, he would immediately call his ex-girlfriend to chat, or get on the dating site, or flirt with girls on facebook. Every time. There has to be some reason they do this, but whatever the reason is, it does not excuse it. You mentioned fear of abandonment before, and maybe that's it. Maybe every time you guys fought, he felt a need to line up someone else in case you dropped him. Or maybe it was for a distraction from the bad feelings. Or out of spite, like you said. It's all so complicated... so hard to know why they do what they do. They themselves may not even know. They may just do it because they feel like it, without even thinking about why.

 

What am I not seeing? Why do I refuse to see this person was not good to me. I don't care how great he was to me all the other times, to make a decision like that is just out of this world. What about all the other circumstantial things I found? I the Facebook searches, the facebook messages. He was definitely starting to stray. I should not question that at all. I keep trying to make exceptions for him when he doesn't even have anything to say for himself.

I guess this is what Ms Darcy meant by rose colored glasses. From the outside looking in, he doesn't seem like a good catch to me. He seems emotionally immature, unable to handle conflict, very passive and unwilling to fix the mess he made, broke up with you earlier in the year, and now ruined things by straying outside the relationship. Really doesn't sound good, and you do deserve better! But I know there were good things too, and that's why you want him back. It's really hard when they have a lot of good, and also deal-breaker bad. Do you forgive and overlook the bad in order to get the good? Or do you overlook the good because the bad is really bad? It's a really hard thing to decide and come to terms with.

 

I even think the first break up was because he just wanted to play around for a bit and then get back together.

Unfortunately, guys will do this. I don't know if that's what he did or not. I still wonder if he has some commitment-phobia, due to the way both of these breakups occurred. Just because he lived with you and was in a relationship doesn't mean he's not a commitment-phobe. That terms gets tossed around an awful lot, I know, but from everything I've read, it really is a real thing. My ex is one to the extreme. The thing with CP's is that they can be good for a while, they can even offer you the world, but they can't sustain it. They start feeling like they need to get out. Then when they're out, they start missing you and feeling like they want back in. Back and forth, because just as they can't commit to being with you, nor can they commit to being without you. Hence the on/off cycle. Maybe this last breakup, he was feeling antzy and wanted a break for a while, or to think things through, or maybe even to play around (although we don't know that). This time, he created a disturbance rather than breaking up. Not on purpose, I don't think, because he didn't know you would find the emails. But cheating and reaching out to other women is a distancing technique. Just a theory...

[Ms Darcy]

I think you just need to focus on no contact for a long while. As long as it takes for your heart to catch up to your brain and realize there is no relationship future here.

 

I understand the pain of being cheated on. You just have to keep reminding yourself that this was not a normal, healthy relationship. No "buts." It wasn't.

 

Sometimes we get stuck on the current person because we don't have radical imagination. As soon as you start imagining a future bf who doesn't run to other women, who is loyal and committed, then this current guy fades away.

 

Last comment. The first couple of years of dating should be a breeze overall. It's testing out your compatibility for the long-run when REAL stresses come about. I'd suggest you read Notalady's journal (especially the last half dozen posts). She talks about the difference between struggling to make it work with someone "partially" compatible and having an effortless relationship with someone you are fully compatible with.

[Ksol9]

I've been up for hours. Can't sleep and I feel like my symptoms from this break up are getting worse. Maybe I do need to focus on full NC. He doesn't want to talk to me, so I need to accept that for what it is. There is nothing I can do about that.

 

I went on his Facebook and saw he posted a couple selfies of himself and a photo of his son. They were in the barber shop getting haircuts. My heart sank. I'm only making myself feel worse by looking. My first thought was that he's probably with someone else or has been chatting with someone else. There was another post of a meme. It read..respect is not given, it's earned. How cliché. It's been a month and I'm the only one struggling. He is moving on with his life. He's happy while I'm here in agony over what he did. That doesn't seem right.

 

I should be focusing on what I can control rather than what I can't. It's very challenging at this point. Especially in my emotional state.

[lostlove76]

You don't know that he's happy. I wouldn't think that he would be. But if he is, then something is clearly wrong with him and you deserve better than that. If someone can move on this quickly after a serious relationship without a care, then that's most definitely not someone you should be with. But again, there is really nothing to say that he's happy.

 

Do you think you could stop looking at his fb if you decided to? I can't seem to stop. The urge to know what's going on feels like an addiction. As I've said before, I guess I'll just stop when I don't really care anymore. Continuing to look can be potentially damaging, though, so if it makes you feel worse, and you feel you can stop, maybe you should.

 

I was looking back to see exactly how long it's been since I talked to mine, and we last talked June 8th, exactly 12 weeks ago. And he last tried to call June 27th, which was 9 weeks ago. It feels like a lot longer than that. He's had a whole other relationship during that time, and here I am still thinking about him every single day. These guys aren't worth our suffering, ksol. I want to say that they're the ones who messed up, they're the ones who did us wrong, so why should we be the ones suffering when we did nothing wrong? But I guess that's precisely why we're hurting so much and they're seemingly okay - they weren't hurt like we were. They don't have to question how we felt about them.

 

You will eventually start feeling better, I promise. It's going to take a little while. But it won't continue to feel as horrible as it feels for too much longer, so hang in there. Yes, I'm still feeling bad this far along, but I remember very clearly feeling exactly how you're feeling, and by comparison, I know that it has gotten better. It will for you, too.

[Ksol9]

You don't know that he's happy. I wouldn't think that he would be. But if he is, then something is clearly wrong with him and you deserve better than that. If someone can move on this quickly after a serious relationship without a care, then that's most definitely not someone you should be with. But again, there is really nothing to say that he's happy.

 

Do you think you could stop looking at his fb if you decided to? I can't seem to stop. The urge to know what's going on feels like an addiction. As I've said before, I guess I'll just stop when I don't really care anymore. Continuing to look can be potentially damaging, though, so if it makes you feel worse, and you feel you can stop, maybe you should.

 

I was looking back to see exactly how long it's been since I talked to mine, and we last talked June 8th, exactly 12 weeks ago. And he last tried to call June 27th, which was 9 weeks ago. It feels like a lot longer than that. He's had a whole other relationship during that time, and here I am still thinking about him every single day. These guys aren't worth our suffering, ksol. I want to say that they're the ones who messed up, they're the ones who did us wrong, so why should we be the ones suffering when we did nothing wrong? But I guess that's precisely why we're hurting so much and they're seemingly okay - they weren't hurt like we were. They don't have to question how we felt about them.

 

You will eventually start feeling better, I promise. It's going to take a little while. But it won't continue to feel as horrible as it feels for too much longer, so hang in there. Yes, I'm still feeling bad this far along, but I remember very clearly feeling exactly how you're feeling, and by comparison, I know that it has gotten better. It will for you, too.

 

4 weeks seems like ages for me, but as I am reading your response, the last contact from yours was 9 weeks ago and I'm thinking there is no way someone could forget after that short amount of time. It has been exactly 4 weeks since my breakup and exactly 2 weeks since his last text. Here I am thinking I don't even cross his mind.

 

Exactly as you describe Facebook being some sort of addiction. It is the same for me. I feel like I'm connected somehow, just to get some sort of idea what his life is like. Same as him driving by my job. What good does it do? None because I don't really know what's going on in his life. I could try, but I don't think I'll stop. I could go on less frequently. I've been through all of this before. I will stop when he no longer matters to me. For right now, it's a way for me to cope with all that I'm going through. All the advice I am getting here and from family and friends is appreciated, but taking it is a whole different story.

 

I'm tired of this already. I'm tired of all that we've been through. Life and love are so fragile, why don't people take care of it? I read in the book by Dr. Weil that it takes 6-8 weeks for people to feel emptiness of after losing someone. A little longer (months) if they are in a new relationship. This only happens if the relationship was viable. That emptiness triggers change. And still she suggests when they reach out don't give in until you get the commitment you want. This happened in detail when my ex contacted me after our split except I ran back. I didn't wait. We didn't communicate enough. I accepted bare minimum. He ended up taking me for granted because he realized how willing I was. Not that everyone's situation is the same, or that this will happen again, but I'm still holding on. Still hoping I'll hear from him again. I write about him every single day and he doesn't sound like a nice person at all..not even to me. I have to really think about all that I want for my future and the type of person I want to spend it with rather than hold on to being with him.

[rand100417]

Hi Ksol and lost love!

 

I think what Dr. Weil said may be right. I am going through something similar...I wrote a thread just for the first time yesterday after following your guys thread for a couple days.

 

I'll give you the very brief version of my story - I went on a break with my ex BF first, bc I was young and there were problems. He was distraught and pursued me. I was mean and narcissistic and angry, and I was the distancer. A year after, I missed him when he had backed off, I started the process of working on myself, then I became the pursuer, and he the distancer.

 

I am at the point where I've started to understand two key things.

 

1. The only way that you will have a relationship that lasts, with ANYONE, is if they are able to commit, with integrity and love, to working on the relationship and themselves when it needs to be worked on. No one is perfect, everyone has BS. Even if it has periods of time where things are blissful, it will always require effort at some point.

2. The only way to ever, ever get what you want is by setting boundaries. It's been said, but you can't force someone to change, you can't convince them. It's all about tough love and valuing yourself.

 

Do not take him back until he is ready to be a new boyfriend in a new relationship with you that is better than the last one. He may come back thousands of times, like my guy did. But it won't be better unless he is in the correct capacity. It is better to cope with the terrible loneliness and depression and mistrust in the world that accompanies a betrayal rather than be with someone that treats you, in ANYWAY, less than you deserve.

 

I do believe, on some level, that there is a very good chance you will hear from him. Four weeks is not a long time. DOn't make my mistake. Everytime I broke contact, usually around 4 weeks into it, sometimes more, sometimes less, it turns out that yes, he did miss me, and maybe we could work on it, blah blah blah....but in the end, the same s*** kept happening because I never let him be the one to contact me first. I was scared it wouldn't happen, so I made the contact happen. Now i'm realizing that if the guy wouldn't have contacted me on his own, it definitely isn't worth it. Also, I think he probably would have contacted me on his own had I left it completely alone.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm a little worried that you don't know that a man that cheats on you isn't the one for you. Hoping a cheater will come back is like asking to get punched in the face.

 

Have you looked at Notalady's thread/journal? I think you need to juxtapose to see what healthy relationships look like. They are peaceful and fun.

[Ksol9]

Hi Ksol and lost love!

 

I think what Dr. Weil said may be right. I am going through something similar...I wrote a thread just for the first time yesterday after following your guys thread for a couple days.

 

I'll give you the very brief version of my story - I went on a break with my ex BF first, bc I was young and there were problems. He was distraught and pursued me. I was mean and narcissistic and angry, and I was the distancer. A year after, I missed him when he had backed off, I started the process of working on myself, then I became the pursuer, and he the distancer.

 

I am at the point where I've started to understand two key things.

 

1. The only way that you will have a relationship that lasts, with ANYONE, is if they are able to commit, with integrity and love, to working on the relationship and themselves when it needs to be worked on. No one is perfect, everyone has BS. Even if it has periods of time where things are blissful, it will always require effort at some point.

2. The only way to ever, ever get what you want is by setting boundaries. It's been said, but you can't force someone to change, you can't convince them. It's all about tough love and valuing yourself.

 

Do not take him back until he is ready to be a new boyfriend in a new relationship with you that is better than the last one. He may come back thousands of times, like my guy did. But it won't be better unless he is in the correct capacity. It is better to cope with the terrible loneliness and depression and mistrust in the world that accompanies a betrayal rather than be with someone that treats you, in ANYWAY, less than you deserve.

 

I do believe, on some level, that there is a very good chance you will hear from him. Four weeks is not a long time. DOn't make my mistake. Everytime I broke contact, usually around 4 weeks into it, sometimes more, sometimes less, it turns out that yes, he did miss me, and maybe we could work on it, blah blah blah....but in the end, the same s*** kept happening because I never let him be the one to contact me first. I was scared it wouldn't happen, so I made the contact happen. Now i'm realizing that if the guy wouldn't have contacted me on his own, it definitely isn't worth it. Also, I think he probably would have contacted me on his own had I left it completely alone.

 

Hi anyabanaya, thank you for this. I read your thread and it was beautifully written. I also wanted to let you know that I admire you for your persistence, your willingness, and drive to learn everything you can regarding your partner and your situation. Just like yourself and lostlove, I am trying to learn everything possible about my situation and the relationship I was in, somehow improving myself in the process. It started during our first split. I went into research mode, started working with a therapist, and have been studying myself, him, as well as the relationship since. You sound a lot like lostlove and myself in that respect. You certainly caught my attention when you wrote about asking your ex to meet for the final time. You had the courage to sit with him and share all that you had learned, giving him the tools to work on your relationship together. That alone shows your dedication to the relationship. Not a lot of women possess that kind of determination. I certainly don't and maybe I should.

 

The two points you made above...Ive made a mental note because I think you are spot on. It is a given that relationships take work. There is no easy way around that. Some relationships suffer more severe and serious hardships than others. Of course there are deal breakers, but a deal breaker to you might not be a deal breaker to others. It's just not that cut and dry. If there is a willingness and determination to work on the relationship together, from both parties, then the relationship has a fighting chance. The second point you made was an excellent one and is what stood out to me most. Boundaries, tough love, and valuing yourself. Those three things should not be abandoned. I think those were my biggest mistakes within my relationship...being too nice, fighting nicely rather than fairly, and not imposing boundaries. Until one day I did and that brings me to the present.

 

Lastly, waiting for my ex to contact me rather than me contacting him is very important due to the circumstances of the split this time. He did not treat me well at times, but there is without a doubt in my mind that we can overcome this is we BOTH did some work on ourselves. That has been my point all along. I don't have any interest in going back to that relationship without change and I do hope it is sparked by this final split. I say final because it is what could make or break us. There are times I feel like breaking contact, but I remind myself that by him making contact, it would mean I would have a chance to encourage some changes and growth.

 

Thank you for posting. You've given me some motivation. You have had one hell of a ride, but I so admire you going through what you went through.

[Ksol9]

This goes to show how my emotions are all over the place. I was thinking about how he hasn't said a word to me in a month because he must be involved with someone else. I keep thinking about how we used to talk throughout the day and text often. Hes probably putting his time and attention into someone else. It's sickening to think that I'm going back and forth with my emotions for a long time. Sad, mad, numb.

 

I got so angry after those thoughts. I feel like I am minimizing what he has done. Almost as if I'm burying it somehow. men like this don't change. He has a problem, regardless of where it stemmed from, he does not know how to handle conflict. He is spiteful. Even if we both decided to try to build back what he destroyed, it's likely that any efforts would be temporary. After a while, it's easy to forget about all that happened. Everything begins to stabilize and everything goes back into routine. Thats not even a possibility because we aren't even on speaking terms. Even if we were, based on his history, he will lie, not take accountability, and blame this all on me somehow.

 

What have I been thinking? Do I really want to deal with this for the rest of my life? This silence after conflict is something I've experienced with him even in the beginning of our relationship with minor issues. This is something I knew was going to pose a major problem throughout the relationship. He simply doesn't communicate. In most cases, he'll brush it off until HE'S ready to deal with it. I shouldn't even care anymore that, yet again, he doesn't care to fix this mess he created. I saw on his Facebook he posted a photos of his tv screen. The screen was of his video game stats. Rank number one and the caption read something about going to the championships in excitement. He is carrying on with his life and does not have a care in the world. He's playing video games until he gets blue in the face. I am obsessively thinking about him nonstop. I am doing all the work I can for myself should I get back into the relationship or any other. I'm telling you, he just doesn't care. He's insensitive. More importantly, this relationship isn't a priority to him. I kept saying to myself the first couple weeks, he's probably letting me cool off, we will be able to talk about everything sooner or later, this is serious. Not the case. Week after week will go by and I know I won't be hearing from him. Im so upset I can't fall back asleep.

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps google thought stopping.

 

He's not your bf anymore. He's your ex. So if he is talking to other women, which is what he was doing when you were together anyway, it's his business.

 

Healthy relationships aren't that hard ladies. I promise, when you are with a compatible person. It just fits.

[Ksol9]

I think I just need to stop thinking and talking about it all together. This is a lost cause. Him and I are not going anywhere from here. I left him a month ago and that's where it all ended. I'm feeling really negative today, frustrated, and fed up. Sometimes I still can't believe how it all happened. Everything is in shreds. This is reality.

[Ksol9]

I woke up this morning feeling all sorts of uncomfortable. Something clicked in my head in the early morning hours. I can't live like this anymore. It's not right. I know there aren't one quick fix answers, but I can try. I shouldn't give up on myself. The relentless attitude I have about him, I should turn toward myself.

 

I'm located in South Florida. I opened my front door and the skies are grey. It's gloomy out. Much like my world right now. I've been having such a hard time lately. I dumped him, but I feel like the one who has been left out in the cold. I'm losing patience with myself. I'm in this cycle and I keep going back and forth between the stages of grief. I've become so used to it I can easily identify the different stages.

 

I've been thinking so much about him and how this happened that I feel it has become an obsession. I don't want this to consume me anymore. All I think about is wanting to talk to him and I don't know why. It's not logical thinking. Only more grief will come from that, no closure or resolutions. I'm having a difficult time accepting that, once again, he let me down..he left everything on the floor. He has done this so many times throughout our relationship, I shouldn't be surprised by what is happening now. Everything is always my fault. This time it was his wrongdoing and still no words from him. Granted he may think he has done nothing wrong. His last words to me were along the lines of..I said hi, what's the big deal?!? That kind of attitude in him isn't going to change, even after the loss of this relationship. This is weighing heavily on my chest every single day. I can't continue like this, it's not right.

 

I feel like I need to take a break from everything excluding work. A break from my friends, family, counseling, Facebook, my phone, the Internet. I need to do some serious sorting out and I need to think about what it is that I want for myself. As it is right now, all I've been thinking about is why he hasn't contacted me. I don't know why I want to shut myself off from the world, but I'm feeling like it's what I need right now and I don't know if that is healthy thinking.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol

 

I need to eat lunch and then I'll gather my thoughts and type a little more. Just wanted to let you know I'm here, and that I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. I'll be back shortly to offer my thoughts on a few of the things you wrote about.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol

 

I need to eat lunch and then I'll gather my thoughts and type a little more. Just wanted to let you know I'm here, and that I'm sorry you're having such a hard day. I'll be back shortly to offer my thoughts on a few of the things you wrote about.

 

Hi lostlove, I've been thinking of you. Hope you are doing well.

 

This is so challenging. I'm really at a loss. All this grief...sometimes it's too much to bear. The days are just passing by. Everyone else is living their lives and I'm stuck in this place. Im not ready to close that door and I guess that is why I am still ruminating. I know if he were to call ready to make changes, I have so much fight left in me. You've offered me so much support. You empathize with me and vice versus. You understand my thinking, so I'm very thankful for that.

 

What about you..how are you? Anything new?

[lostlove76]

Hi lostlove, I've been thinking of you. Hope you are doing well.

You've offered me so much support. You empathize with me and vice versus. You understand my thinking, so I'm very thankful for that.

 

Thank you, ksol

 

I apologize if this post (or more likely, posts, plural) is a little all over the place. I'm just going to go back through and pull quotes to respond to, and it might be out of order.

 

What about you..how are you? Anything new?

Thank you for asking

 

The days are just passing by. Everyone else is living their lives and I'm stuck in this place. Im not ready to close that door and I guess that is why I am still ruminating.

Yep, exactly where I am too, as described above. To be fair to ourselves, not much time has passed - less for you than for me. I feel like it's totally expected that you would still be hurting after just one month. That really isn't much time at all to get over someone after a serious relationship. Some people are able to move on quickly, and some aren't, and I guess a lot of factors come into play that will determine how long it takes. Please just know that it's completely "normal" and try to be patient with yourself. I don't think there's any easy way, or shortcut, around it. People always suggest to distract yourself with hobbies, go out with friends, go to the gym, learn something new, etc. But it's hard to find the motivation for any of that when you're in this dark place. My personal opinion is that you shouldn't try to follow any "rules" towards faster healing; just take it day by day, and allow yourself to work through the feelings. I, too, worry about the days just passing by and being wasted while everyone else is out living their lives. But I'm sure they've all gone through periods of time like this at some point, as well.

 

I think the reason why we're both still stuck is because we still have hope. Like you said, you're not ready to close the door on this. And if you don't close the door, you can't move forward. Like me, you're in "waiting mode." Waiting to see if he'll eventually call, waiting to see if he cares, waiting to see if you'll be moving forward in your life with or without him. Stuck in limbo, and it's a horrible place to be! But again, it's only been a month for you, and hopefully more clarity will come as you get a bit more time and distance past the breakup.

 

I feel like I need to take a break from everything excluding work. A break from my friends, family, counseling, Facebook, my phone, the Internet. I need to do some serious sorting out and I need to think about what it is that I want for myself. As it is right now, all I've been thinking about is why he hasn't contacted me. I don't know why I want to shut myself off from the world, but I'm feeling like it's what I need right now and I don't know if that is healthy thinking.

Others may disagree, but I wouldn't call it UNhealthy. I periodically have to shut myself off from everyone and just completely isolate. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for a week, sometimes even longer. It would only be unhealthy if it puts you into an even darker depression that you're unable to come out of. But taking a break from everything/everyone can be beneficial - it gives you the space to sort through your thoughts without outside influence or distraction. Don't feel guilty about it, either. I always just tell my friends that I'm going through something and need some time to myself, and remarkably, they always understand. They'll be less worried if you give them a head's up rather than just disappearing. And they'll still be there when you're ready to come out again.

[lostlove76]

Sometimes we get stuck on the current person because we don't have radical imagination. As soon as you start imagining a future bf who doesn't run to other women, who is loyal and committed, then this current guy fades away.

This is a really good point! I myself tend to feel like my guy is the only guy in the universe who I would want to end up with. I can't even begin to imagine being with anyone else. You may feel that way too? Kind of like, it's him or no one at all. Maybe, as Ms Darcy suggests, you could imagine what it would be like to have a guy who was completely open and loyal - someone who communicated instead of going silent and emailing other women after conflict. Someone who wouldn't let you walk away when the going got tough, but fought to make things right. Someone who is mature and emotionally capable and shows you every day that he wants you in his life and his future. Sounds so refreshing, doesn't it? If you truly believed that such a person was out there, would you really want your ex back??

 

Hi Ksol and lost love!

 

I think what Dr. Weil said may be right. I am going through something similar...I wrote a thread just for the first time yesterday after following your guys thread for a couple days.

 

I'll give you the very brief version of my story - I went on a break with my ex BF first, bc I was young and there were problems. He was distraught and pursued me. I was mean and narcissistic and angry, and I was the distancer. A year after, I missed him when he had backed off, I started the process of working on myself, then I became the pursuer, and he the distancer.

Hi Anya! I'll have to go read your thread; I hope you're doing okay. This was a really great post you wrote here! You sound very thoughtful and wise.

 

I am at the point where I've started to understand two key things.

 

1. The only way that you will have a relationship that lasts, with ANYONE, is if they are able to commit, with integrity and love, to working on the relationship and themselves when it needs to be worked on. No one is perfect, everyone has BS. Even if it has periods of time where things are blissful, it will always require effort at some point.

2. The only way to ever, ever get what you want is by setting boundaries. It's been said, but you can't force someone to change, you can't convince them. It's all about tough love and valuing yourself.

 

Do not take him back until he is ready to be a new boyfriend in a new relationship with you that is better than the last one. He may come back thousands of times, like my guy did. But it won't be better unless he is in the correct capacity. It is better to cope with the terrible loneliness and depression and mistrust in the world that accompanies a betrayal rather than be with someone that treats you, in ANYWAY, less than you deserve.

These are such good points. In regards to point #1, I would add that the guy has to WANT to commit to it. If he's just half-heartedly committing, just doing enough to get you back, or just doing it because he knows it's what you want, then the change isn't going to last. So it has so come from within, and has to be something that HE wants - both for himself, and because he wants you to be happy.

 

I never let him be the one to contact me first. I was scared it wouldn't happen, so I made the contact happen. Now i'm realizing that if the guy wouldn't have contacted me on his own, it definitely isn't worth it. Also, I think he probably would have contacted me on his own had I left it completely alone.

When they know that you'll eventually break down and make contact, it gives them no incentive to reach out. He knows that all he has to do is wait long enough, and he'll hear from you. I feel like whoever makes first contact, has the least power. It absolutely sucks that anything is ever about power and control, but unfortunately it is often this way - most especially in toxic relationships in which one or both partners don't have the emotional maturity to deal with things head on. None of this would even be happening if it were a healthy relationship, but since it isn't.... don't ever give your power away. You have more leverage to ask for change if he's the one to reach out first. But then again, it goes back to him needing to be in a place of really wanting to change.

[lostlove76]

This goes to show how my emotions are all over the place. I was thinking about how he hasn't said a word to me in a month because he must be involved with someone else. I keep thinking about how we used to talk throughout the day and text often. Hes probably putting his time and attention into someone else.

I don't really think he is involved with anyone else. It may be a good idea to accept that it's a possiblity, so that if you happen to see evidence of it somewhere, you aren't completely blindsided. But try not to talk yourself into believing that he is, because it really just brings you down even further. You're already down enough, and don't need the extra heartache of something that probably isn't even the case. However, IF he is talking with someone, I would find comfort in the fact that it most likely means nothing and is simply a distraction. A rebound. A fling. My guy moved this woman in, so it was an immediately full-on, fast-forwarded, jump-right-into-it relationship. With your guy, he has work and kids, and he's not a charming womanizer, so he's not going to form an insta-relationship with anyone. And IF he's talking to someone, maybe it would even benefit you in the end, as he sees that no one else is going to compare to you and what you two had. It seems to be pretty common that guys will experience GIGS at some point (grass-is-greener syndrome), and from what I've read, you just have to let them go do their thing, and give them time to figure out on their own that the grass isn't actually greener. But I'm saying all this just on the off chance that maybe he's talking to someone, and we have no clues or evidence that he is at all. Try not to dwell on it, although I know it's hard not to think about it.

 

I saw on his Facebook he posted a photos of his tv screen. The screen was of his video game stats. Rank number one and the caption read something about going to the championships in excitement. He is carrying on with his life and does not have a care in the world. He's playing video games until he gets blue in the face.

^^^ This is mostly likely where all his time is going. Work, kids, and video games - not another woman.

 

I've mentioned it before, but I forget if you've read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?? It goes into detail about men going into their man caves, and how this is what they do to deal with things. It's a typical male trait, and it always makes us women feel as if they don't care. But this is how they're wired; it's what they do. If you haven't read it, I would suggest reading it asap because it explains it much better than I could attempt to here. It's a quick and fascinating read. It really helped me a lot in coping and understanding my ex-guy and his silences; I was able to take it all a bit less personally.

[lostlove76]

Here's an interesting thread about whether or not it's cheating to be on a dating site while in a relationship:

 

Everyone agrees that it is. Thought you might like to give it a read, since what your guy did is practically the same thing; he just used Facebook and email to find and contact other women instead of a dating site.