Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

This time around, I don't any sure signs that he is thinking of me. Im trying to be realistic and I really don't know what is going on with my guy. I've been trying to come up with all these conclusions from what I am seeing, which isn't much. I don't expect to hear from him again.

I think him driving by your work is a sign. The fact that you've seen him a few times suggests that he's timing his drivebys on when you might be out there. But you're right, there really isn't much to go on, and coming up with some conclusion is close to impossible.

 

I sort of admire your attitude about your guy. You are very aware of how you should feel. It is so difficult when your brain and your heart are not in-sync. Your heart is still in love with him, but you know you could never reach out to him because he is with someone else. I am struggling with that. I know what mine did was totally unacceptable. No matter how you look at it, he was wrong. I still do not regret leaving. I keep reminding myself...you teach others how to treat you. What happens from here on is beyond my control.

Thank you, but I see you having the same attitude that I do. You know your guy did wrong, but your heart wants to forgive him and be with him. You're so right about our hearts and minds not being in sync. When someone cheats, perhaps that should be the end-all deal-breaker. But it's not that easy. You can't turn off your feelings for someone. It's very very difficult trying to figure it all out. Knowing how you should feel versus how you actually do feel feel (which changes constantly). It's all just one big muddled up mess. You just have to be patient with yourself and allow the ups and downs and back-and-forths to happen when they happen. This can all go on "behind the scenes" though, with him being unaware of what you're feeling - all he knows is that you won't allow him to treat you badly, because you're right, we teach people how to treat us.

 

I have the same advice for you. I don't think he doesn't think of you at all. I'm sure you cross his mind, but right now, just like me, you just have to let everything take its course. Is this the first time that you guys have split for this amount of time and is this the first time he has been in another relationship when you both split?

This is the longest we've gone with complete NC. After he moved away, there was total silence on both sides for 6 weeks. During that time, he was seeing someone else but it was casual and didn't last long. This time, though, the NC has lasted much longer and, from all appearances, he's been living with this girl the whole time. It just makes me feel sick. He's giving her everything he promised to me - living together, commitment, whatever. And she's just some obnoxious, trashy, married woman who deserted her family. I don't know how to get over the anger of feeling so betrayed. I'm really having a hard time with it. I'm very glad for you that yours hasn't moved on to someone else. It doesn't make the rest of it any better, but it does allow for hope.

 

I was talking to a good friend of mine and she said to me..it's not like you were in some casual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You two were in a serious relationship. You were living there, caring for his children like they were your own, and you assumed the role of a full time parent and wife. She went on to say...Imagine you get caught cheating, guilty or not guilty, do you feel ok letting that person pack up and leave and you not try to reach out to them for weeks? Wouldn't you be worried about his emotional state, how he is coping, and who is consoling him? Wouldn't you want to be front right and center there for him for as long as he will allow you? That's when it hit me, he doesn't care about me at all. If the situation was reversed, I could not allow days muchless weeks go by without saying something to him. Anger is a normal response, that wouldn't make me turn around and walk away. I don't care how humiliated I feel for what I did. I would be extremely apologetic. Too much time has passed. I don't think he is going to say anything to me at this point. I just want to curl up somewhere and just cry.

He should have reached out by now. It really does seem like any decent person would have, as you described above. I still just think that 1) he's being avoidant, and 2) he thinks you really don't want to hear from him. He did finally reach out last time, after two months, so I still have hope for you. It just takes him longer. I'm trying to be careful about encouraging too much hope, because I think it's best to always be prepared for the worst. But I think he'll surely reach out at some point. How could he just let what you guys had go forever? My guy found an easy replacement, but your guy isn't like that. You were valuable to him and his kids and his life, and he would be an idiot to let it go. I think it will just take him some time to figure out what to do.

 

When we split earlier this year, I swore I would never go through this again. Here I am again and I am in a much worse situation.

This wasn't your fault, though. You couldn't have known that he would do what he did. This is entirely on his shoulders.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove,

 

Hope you're still hanging in there. I went back and read through my earlier thread and you've always been there offering me very sound advice. I truly appreciate it.

 

While I realize there is still hope, there is nothing I can do but wait it out. Time will tell. Last night was horrible. I was in physical pain when I cried. It literally hurt to cry. I'm having such a rough time. I was so close to contacting him. I want him to know how much pain. He put me through this twice now. All this silence means something. I don't know what it is, but I know time will tell. I'm not expecting to hear from him anytime soon. My schedule is very flexible and I am in and out of the office throughout the day. I am going to try to stay out of sight. I don't want to see him drive by my job. It gives me anxiety.

 

We have a Netflix account that we can all access. Im connected on my iPhone. I went on Netflix just to see what he's been watching. He was watching a Tony Robbins film. If you're not familiar, Tony Robbins is well known for his self help books. I was surprised to see him watching something like this. He's nlt really into things like that. I'll cross my fingers and hope that he is exploring different means to change. Reading self help books is how I started digging to find out what I needed to change about myself. I know I shouldn't be looking for these little clues everywhere because ultimately they mean nothing. He still hasn't reached out to me and that is the biggest sign of all. He obviously could care less. Even on Facebook, it shows time stamps of what he goes on. He goes on maybe once or twice a day. This is very strange for him. Normally he's on Facebook all day. I remember telling him when I found the Facebook messages...mark my words, Facebook is going to be the end of us. I just hope real change has come from me walking out on him. I know without a doubt, when we split the first time, I was the only one doing work on myself. He used the split as a time out. This time, I am still working diligently on myself. I hope he is doing the same.

 

I feel totally insane searching for these little clues here and there, Facebook, Netflix. It absolutely makes no sense. What can I possibly gather from social media, occasional drive bys, and his Netflix watch history? Lol silliness. At the end of the day, he doesn't want to talk to me. If he did, he would have found a way by now. He doesn't have anything to say to me. It has been 3 weeks and I feel certain that he would have said something to me by now.

 

I also have a room full of furniture that belongs to him sitting in my parent's house. I have a transponder to get into his community. He hasn't asked for any of that back. I know at one point he will contact for those things. His lease is up at the end of November so I'm assuming if the relationship is actually really over, he will contact for those things. I sort of feel that he was being extremely polite the last text message he sent (please,thank you, hope you're well) just so that I would not put pressure on him to get the furniture out of my parents house. That would require him paying for storage. I feel that as more time goes by, resentment will grow. I would be offended if months went by and then he contacts to make amends. I don't see that happening, but if so, I'd be pretty upset.

 

Right now, I'm going through a lot of pain and I'm just hoping and praying for him to turn this around soon. I'm ready talk. I'm not angry with him. I am upset about what he did, but I want to know why he did it and I want to know if there is room for repair. I'm extremely confused and I don't know why he would choose to avoid everything right now.

 

In your situation, do you think if he wasn't in this relationship, or if their relationship went south, do you think he would be contacting you?

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. I really wish there was some way to just shut off the emotions and not feel anything anymore so that we don't have to live with the emotional torture. Ugh, it sucks. I was chatting with a friend of mine last night who has gone through a recent breakup as well, and he was saying that it's the silence that's killing us. And that's true. If there were any form of communication whatsoever, we at least wouldn't feel so in the dark. The not knowing is the worst part for you, I believe - not knowing what he's thinking or feeling or why exactly he's being so silent. So of course all you can conclude in your own mind is that he doesn't care, although I don't believe that to be the case.

 

I feel you on looking for clues! I've been doing it for so long that it's become this need that I have to fill, an addiction, a really bad habit. I can't seem to stop. So I completely get why you're doing it. You're not hearing anything from him directly, so you're looking for other ways to figure out what could be going on. Sometimes you can get a pretty good idea, and sometimes the clues don't add up to much and just make your imagination go crazy. I'll see something that makes me feel better, and then 5 minutes later see something that makes me feel worse again. It's madness.

 

I worry sometimes that NC can backfire, because what if both people are waiting for the other to reach out? You're waiting for him, and (rightfully) feel like he should be the one to step forward. But what if he's waiting for you... what if he's respecting your space, and waiting for you to reach out when you're ready? I'm not suggesting that you do so at all. This is just food for thought. Everyone on these threads, and all over the internet, is so very strict about going completely NC no matter what. I've even seen people who desperately want to get back together with their ex just ignore any and all communication, because NC is so widely suggested. It's just all very confusing, really, and hard to know what to do. Your guy may very well be waiting every day to hear from you, just as you are doing. He should man up and reach out, but maybe he doesn't know how to, or is afraid of what your reaction will be, or thinks he's doing the right thing by giving you space.

 

I feel that as more time goes by, resentment will grow. I would be offended if months went by and then he contacts to make amends. I don't see that happening, but if so, I'd be pretty upset.

Me too. I feel like if more than a couple of months pass, it would be too little too late. I would wonder why he didn't make contact sooner. If he wants to save the relationship, he should want to save it now, not let time waste away and distance between the two of you continue to grow. Buuuut, I've read that men experience time differently than we do, that it takes them longer to process things, and even takes them longer to miss us. I've seen guys on this site writing about how much they miss their ex months on down the road, and sometimes it didn't even hit them until later. By then, the girl is over them and their chance is gone. Men and women are wired so differently.

 

In your situation, do you think if he wasn't in this relationship, or if their relationship went south, do you think he would be contacting you?

Knowing how he is, I do think he would have kept trying periodically if not for this woman he's now with. She showed up and ruined any chance we may have had, I feel. I'm quite sure he's in love with her, or thinks he is due to infatuation. My only hope for them not working out is if she goes back home to her husband, and I don't see that as very likely. IF that does happen, then he may let some time pass and then try to get in touch. I would know he'd only be calling because he was lonely, not because I am special to him. If this other relationship had never happened, I would have some hope that he would realize what he lost. But she replaced me. I'm so glad for you that, as bad as things feel for you right now, you at least don't have to feel this on top of it. Knowing he's loving someone else is just killing me. It's all I can think about. I can't get her image out of my head.

[Ksol9]

I worry sometimes that NC can backfire, because what if both people are waiting for the other to reach out? You're waiting for him, and (rightfully) feel like he should be the one to step forward. But what if he's waiting for you... what if he's respecting your space, and waiting for you to reach out when you're ready? I'm not suggesting that you do so at all. This is just food for thought. Everyone on these threads, and all over the internet, is so very strict about going completely NC no matter what. I've even seen people who desperately want to get back together with their ex just ignore any and all communication, because NC is so widely suggested. It's just all very confusing, really, and hard to know what to do. Your guy may very well be waiting every day to hear from you, just as you are doing. He should man up and reach out, but maybe he doesn't know how to, or is afraid of what your reaction will be, or thinks he's doing the right thing by giving you space.

 

 

This made me think of something...when he broke up with me in February. I was waiting on him to turn things around. I felt that it was his decision to break up so he had to be the one to come to the conclusion that he wanted to reconcile. Early on in the breakup I sent a text letting him know that I didn't want this and that I wanted to be with him. I made it clear that I still wanted to try. Then I left it alone. I waited day after day hoping that he would change his mind until one day he did. As you said, I respected his space and his decision. Plus I didn't want to continue making a fool of myself every time he rejected me.

 

When I found the emails, I sent out a huge rejection email letting him know there was no chance in the world that he would be able to save our relationship. He took what I said and walked away quietly. I do wonder sometimes if this NC thing can backfire. Just as in your situation you felt secured in knowing he would contact you again if you rejected him, in my case...I knew I could reject once or twice and after that, he'd be gone. Maybe those couple text messages were cue for me to spark conversation, but he didn't directly give me the impression he wanted to talk. Just as he is afraid of rejection, I am as well.

 

Sometimes I feel that maybe he has realized this relationship is too unhealthy to continue. Maybe he accepts that we shouldn't be together and is trying to move on. He probably doesn't want to deal with the drama of it anymore.

 

I also agree that men take some time to process things like this. I too have seen it all over forums about men missing their exs well after they are gone. All too often too much time has passed and they are too late. I don't want this to be the case with mine. I've also read all over the internet that infidelity is a forgivable sin. It is sometimes an opportunity for growth and change within the relationship. There is definitely more to the reason why he did what he did. He was not having full blown emotional and physical affairs with other women. I'm not trying to minimize what he did because he was down right wrong, but I do think I would be willing after speaking to him. I'm sure he is under the impression that I would never forgive.

 

I do think you could be right. Now that I am the one who has left him, he could very well be feeling just as I did when he broke up with me. He could be feeling like he needs to respect my space and is hoping I'd change my mind. I just can't believe he's let 3 weeks go by without saying a word to me about what happened.

 

Everything is up in the air. It just reminds me how I always made him feel secure. I was always very upfront and honest about my feelings. When we broke up, I made sure to let him know that I didn't want to continue my life without him and the children. I made it clear that I wanted them apart of my life and that the door is open should he change his mind. Now I slammed the door in his face and he seems to have accepted that he messed up so badly that he wouldn't be capable of repairing.

 

I'm also thinking...would I even be able to face him after what he has done? It would probably be very difficult being in his presence after this whole cheating thing? How did you handle being with your guy after your split or periods of nc knowing he was with someone else or had been contacting other women?

[lostlove76]

In response to your last paragraph.... It happened several times, and each time, I chose to put it out of my mind and just move forward. I loved him so much and wanted so badly to be with him that I let it slide. I made all sorts of excuses for why he did the things he did. I read everything I could get my hands on about commitment-phobes and intimacy fears, and I tried really really hard to just understand where he was coming from and not to take it personally. He really does have major issues, and I thought if I was just patient enough, eventually it would pay off in the end. So I made the choice to forgive and forget, as much as was possible. I focused on the here and now, and held out hope for the future. Of course, all that came AFTER a bunch of b**ching at him and explaining how much it hurt, and listening to him apologize and say all the right things. I chose to believe his apologies, because I just wanted to be with him. So that's how I got through it each time, but there was always distrust in the back of my mind. I lived in fear that he would flirt or cheat or find someone else. I knew I couldn't trust him - I just didn't want to believe it. So it was a strange mixture of turning a blind eye and always being on the lookout for any signs that he had his eye on someone else or had done something wrong. I was constantly asking him if he had cheated. It was really no way to live. It feel awful to have to be that insecure in a relationship. But I loved him so much that I put up with it After he moved and we had the 6 weeks NC before he called again, during which time he was seeing someone, I just told myself that she was a rebound and that it didn't mean anything. I didn't want to know anything about it, I just wanted to move forward. But it hurt to know he had been with someone. And the hurt builds and builds inside you, and turns into resentment, which eventually has to come out somehow. I did a lot of fussing at him and questioning him during the final 6 months long-distance.

 

Sorry if that paragraph is choppy, too much of a pain to try to edit on my phone.

 

Do you think you could ever really trust him again, even if you chose to forgive and move forward? Would you always be suspicious, and worried that every time you had a fight he would contact another woman? It's something to think about. Trust is not an easy thing to rebuild. I had periods of time during which I relaxed and allowed myself to trust mine, but the worries always popped back up. Like we were talking about a few pages back, I think your guy would have to 1) show remorse, 2) WANT to change, 3) be willing to do the work, 4) be CAPABLE of doing the work, and 5) be an open book for as long as it takes until trust is rebuilt. If any one of those elements is missing, it won't be a very peaceful road for you to reconcile, unless you're able to just tell yourself that whatever happens will happen and you're going to give it one more shot and just see. That's not an easy thing to do, though.

 

Also consider that IF you guys got back together and he did the same things again, would you be glad you had given it a chance, or would you be mad at yourself for it and wish you had walked away the first time? Which will bring you more peace in the future, if you don't end up with him forever? With me, I think I'm glad that I gave it every chance I could. I got a lot of good times with him out of it, and I don't think I would trade that. It hurt me terribly bad, and has really done a lot of damage to the point that I feel it's going to take a long time to recover. But I'm still glad I had what I had with him for as long as I did. If I had never met him, I would probably be so much better off right now. But I still wouldn't do it differently if I had the chance.

[Ksol9]

I think I need to get a hold of myself. He hasn't tried to talk to me since this happened 3 weeks ago. He sent me 2 text messages last week not even acknowledging what he did. No sympathy or remorse for the pain he caused. I was inconsolable the night I found the emails. He knows I cried the entire night. He saw how much that hurt me. I think I'm denial about what is really going on here. The man was cheating. I don't care if this was an indescretion because we were fighting or if he has a wandering eye. I didn't deserve that. I was sitting at home caring for his children. That alone will tell you he doesn't care about me. Now that I packed up and left, he hasn't even bothered to have an adult conversation with me. Again, showing me his true colors. Now, why I am searching for signs that he is still thinking of me? Of course he is thinking of me...he is kicking himself everyday for getting caught..for taking me for granted. Some men are so damaged from their upbringing or from past relationships, that they can't possibly have a healthy relationship. I am a very intuitive woman and I knew for a long time, something wasn't right and I'm smart enough to know, you can't make anyone change. People change only if they want to change. If he hasn't said anything to me at this point, there is no reason for me to believe he is letting the air clear. I feel completely ridiculous even thinking he will try to reconcile. I need to change my mindset because as I am right now, this isn't going to work. I'm an emotional wreck and all I do is think about him.

 

I'm feeling really miserable. I think I am the one who is holding on to something that is over. I ended the relationship. This was my choice. I packed my things and walked out of there. I clearly told him I had nothing more to say. he let it go and I let it go. Neither one of us have anything to say to one another or else one of us would have said something. I'm just sitting here counting days that go by and I'm becoming more and more upset when I don't hear from him. There is no point in that. I'm just driving myself insane.

 

Lostlove, what are some of the things you have tried to occupy yourself? Have you accepted the relationship is over and do you hope for reconciliation?

 

I need to let this man go. You made some excellent points in your last response. Do I really want to live this way? Feeling insecure that he may start communicating with another woman? Do I want to be on constant alert because I feel he has a wandering eye? I don't want to make him miserable in the process. He probably realizes what a reconciliation will entail and he has just decided to walk away. Rebuilding trust is a lot of work as you said. It's no walk in the park. It will feel like one step forward and two steps back at times. He has never shown me that kind of determination throughout our relationship, why would he now? I hate to sound so negative, but I really believe there is no hope this time around.

[lostlove76]

Flip-flopping back and forth between having hope versus accepting that it's over is perfectly normal. I've gone through soooo much of it myself. It will drive you crazy, but it really is just a part of the process that you have to go through, I think. I had a lot of hope in the beginning, thinking he might make some grand gesture to show how much he cares... or at least hoping that it would happen, and allowing myself to believe there was a chance. Two and a half months later, hope has dwindled to practically non-existent. I know he won't reach out while he's with her. I still really wish that he would, but I think I've finally accepted that it just isn't going to happen. But again, the difference between my case and yours is that mine is in this other relationship, and yours isn't. I think that makes a really big difference. Your guy has a chance to feel the loss. Mine didn't, because he found someone else immediately to occupy all his time and thoughts and energy. I had hoped it was a fling that would blow up and end, but she's still there.

 

Unfortunately, I think you're just going to have to let more time pass to see what he will do. It's torture, waiting and waiting every day for a text or call, I know. I did that for a long time. I would probably still be waiting if I didn't know from all my fb stalking that he's apparently living with this awful woman.

 

There was another thread on here a while back written by a really sweet girl named CharlieGurl (sp?). She actually reminded me a lot of you - a good person, very smart and insightful, feeling heartbroken every day. She was with a guy for 2 months, and he left her and went back to his ex. In that case, it wasn't good, because his ex was crazy and CG was a really good catch. He should have stayed with her. But my point is, ignoring what he had with CG because that's not relevant to your situation, he did go back to his ex 2 months later. Maybe there is something to this 2-month time period, I don't know. But it can take a while. I know 3 weeks seems like forever, but keep remembering that it took him 2 whole months last time before he came around.

 

You ask what I do to keep myself occupied. Embarrassingly, not much. Everyone on my thread had such wonderful suggestions, and really tried to urge me into doing things I enjoy rather than thinking about him all the time, but I've been so depressed that I just couldn't find the motivation to do anything at all. What I did do was talked to friends about it, and wrote on my thread constantly. When I wasn't talking about it, I was reading relationship articles and forums. I started reading a ton of stories here on ena every day. I've just recently started doing a little more; I finally started a new book (I love to read, but put it aside because my mind was always on him) and I've watched a few good movies. There are many things I enjoy and I just haven't been doing them. If you can focus enough to get involved in a hobby or two, it would probably really help you. It doesn't matter what it is, just anything you can enjoy. Gardening, reading, adult coloring books, etc. Your mind deserves a break, at least for a little while each day. I find that clarity can often be gained more from relaxing your mind than from overthinking. So even though I didn't take everyone's suggestions to do nice things for myself and turn my attention to something other than him for a while, I would still urge you to, if you can.

[Ksol9]

Hi,

 

I'm still not feeling any better today. I thought I was just going through this cycle where I was angry but strong and then I'd feel sadness from the loss, then back to anger. That isn't happening. Im stuck in this dark place. I have anxiety constantly.

 

There is something you mentioned about the 2 month mark. I read in a book I read about it taking them 6-8 weeks to truly feel the loss of you. This is when they reach out. Mine reached out at exactly 8 weeks after breakup, 4 weeks complete NC. For some reason I don't think this time will happen the same at all. Only because the situation is completely reversed and for different reasons. He cheated and I broke up with him and it seems like he had accepted that our relationship is over. He hasn't said anything about wanting to continue the relationship or put in work. I made this clear to him after we broke up the first time. I read a lot about people who experience cheating and most times when they stay together and work through it, they don't split. There is immediate remorse and the partner who cheated expresses they want to work right away. Very rare do I read about a split with complete NC and then the reconcile. Or maybe when they share their stories of cheating they skip the part about going nc for a little while and then talk about the reconciliation part. I'm just not hopeful about my situation at all.

 

I don't know if I mentioned I had started counseling when we split up the fist time...individual counseling. I'm still working with my counselor now. During the relationship I worked diligently on improving communication and it worked a lot, but the relationship can't work of the other partner isn't doing work. He improved a lot, but then this cheating thing came up. Now my counselor wants me to work on forgiveness, not for him but for me. She is the one who actually suggested the book I spoke about above. She keeps telling me that couple can overcome something like this, but it's absolutely imperative we try to understand why he did something like this...not the typical excuses men tend to give when they get caught, but to dig deeper. There also has to be a lot of communication. The key thing that is non existent right now.

 

I know that it's only been a few weeks, but I figured that the average person would have reached out to talk by now. I guess he's not the average person when it comes to communication. I think when I explore what would happen if I reach out to him, I think rejection. That he would tell me, I'm sorry but this relationship just isn't going to work. We have no future because there is no trust and things will always be like this, so it's best we move on.

I'm just not seeing it. Maybe because I'm the one going through this and every day is torture, so I have no patience whatsoever. I just see zero hope for him and I. As much as I hope and pray he will contact me because he is ready to change, I don't see that happening.

 

I've got to get up for work. Today is going to be another long day. I don't remember the last time I had a good nights rest. I just want to stay in bed all day. I feel extremely depressed and it's just as you explained, there is no motivation to do anything. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

 

Hope you're hanging in there lostlove. This is one heck of ride.

[Ksol9]

Something just hit me....

 

I'm sitting in the bank drive thru and something dawned upon me.

 

They say ego is a hell of a drug. Pride...pride can steal a lot from us. We aren't put on this Earth to rob oursleves and others of happiness. We are to live our lives to the fullest right?? And share it with those who we love and who treat us the same. I understand no one is perfect, but I think pride has a large role in what is going on with my situation right now. He treated me poorly and if pride is in the way of him making right by his wrongs, then what am I to do? He has to carry all of these burdens throughout his life. I'm sure the mistakes he has made were not the first. He has hurt others before me. If we are only responsible for ourselves, then there is no sense in waiting for him to let go of what he doesn't want to let go of. If he has too much pride and even fear to reach out to me, then I know it makes no sense waiting in this dark place all alone. I should hold close those who love me and want the best for me...those who do their bloody best not to see me shed a tear.

 

Love can not exits where there is fear.

 

I have so many fears, it's so complicated, when it comes to him. He is not doing anything to ease those fears. This time apart may be nesseccary for us both because of the people we are...we are both just as stubborn, passive aggressive, and prideful, we need this time to think. I need to remind myself what is most important...my family, my loved ones, happiness, living righteously. That is the ultimate life goal isn't it?

 

It's time to let go. I have to. I have to.

[lostlove76]

Hi,I'm still not feeling any better today. I thought I was just going through this cycle where I was angry but strong and then I'd feel sadness from the loss, then back to anger. That isn't happening. Im stuck in this dark place. I have anxiety constantly.

Now my counselor wants me to work on forgiveness, not for him but for me.

Hi ksol. I'm having a pretty crappy day myself, and also feeling a lot of anger. Anger at him, and anger at the one he replaced me with. All this negative thinking is most definitely not healthy, and is keeping me stuck in a cloud of depression. I would say the same for you, except you're a lot earlier in the process than I am, so I feel it's just something you're going to have to go through for a while. It's hard not to feel angry when you've been betrayed. This is why your counselor wants you to work on forgiveness, though, I'm sure... so that you don't get stuck in the same spot I am almost 3 months later, still feeling angry and bitter. It's not a very peaceful or happy way to live. And as I'm sure you've heard many times, holding onto anger hurts you a lot more than it hurts them.

 

She is the one who actually suggested the book I spoke about above.

What book is it??

 

I think when I explore what would happen if I reach out to him, I think rejection.

Rejection is always a possibility. I feel like it would only be safe for you to reach out to him when you are sure that you can handle whatever response you may get, even if it's rejection or no response at all. If it would set you back to receive something negative, it's probably best to just remain silent and wait. If, on the other hand, you reach a point where just knowing that you tried would bring you peace and closure even if it didn't turn out as you had hoped, then it might be worth it.

 

I have anxiety constantly.

I had constant anxiety in the beginning, too, almost to the point of panic attacks at times. But while the depression has remained, the anxiety has decreased - not entirely, because I always have anxiety issues anyways, but that constant anxious feeling about the ending of the relationship has definitely let up a lot. So hang in there! It will eventually lessen and then go away. I didn't do anything in particular to lessen it - the passing of time is all that has helped. I still feel it at times, but it's more spaced out and not as severe.

 

I just want to stay in bed all day. I feel extremely depressed and it's just as you explained, there is no motivation to do anything. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

While I do still feel depressed, it's more of a blah numb kind of depression, whereas in the beginning it was a cry-every-single-day kind of depression. Again, time is all that has helped. The darkest clouds will eventually lift for you, but it's just going to take some time. Just be gentle with yourself and don't fight it; allow yourself to feel however you feel, and just try to have faith that it won't last forever.

[lostlove76]

Something just hit me....

 

I'm sitting in the bank drive thru and something dawned upon me.

 

They say ego is a hell of a drug. Pride...pride can steal a lot from us. We aren't put on this Earth to rob oursleves and others of happiness. We are to live our lives to the fullest right?? And share it with those who we love and who treat us the same. I understand no one is perfect, but I think pride has a large role in what is going on with my situation right now. He treated me poorly and if pride is in the way of him making right by his wrongs, then what am I to do? He has to carry all of these burdens throughout his life. I'm sure the mistakes he has made were not the first. He has hurt others before me. If we are only responsible for ourselves, then there is no sense in waiting for him to let go of what he doesn't want to let go of. If he has too much pride and even fear to reach out to me, then I know it makes no sense waiting in this dark place all alone. I should hold close those who love me and want the best for me...those who do their bloody best not to see me shed a tear.

 

Love can not exits where there is fear.

 

I have so many fears, it's so complicated, when it comes to him. He is not doing anything to ease those fears. This time apart may be nesseccary for us both because of the people we are...we are both just as stubborn, passive aggressive, and prideful, we need this time to think. I need to remind myself what is most important...my family, my loved ones, happiness, living righteously. That is the ultimate life goal isn't it?

 

It's time to let go. I have to. I have to.

 

"It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline

In the number of husbands and wives"

~ Husbands and Wives, by Brooks and Dunn

 

Like the song suggests, pride ruins a lot of relationships and prevents a lot of reconciliations. We all let pride get in the way, to some extent. I think it's just human nature.

 

"I should hold close those who love me and want the best for me...those who do their bloody best not to see me shed a tear."

"I need to remind myself what is most important...my family, my loved ones, happiness, living righteously. That is the ultimate life goal isn't it?"

This has crossed my mind several times, as well. Here you and I are, with friends and family who love us dearly and would never be so careless with our hearts, and yet we're allowing ourselves to feel miserable over guys who should have gone out of their way to make us happy but instead did the opposite. Who deserves our care and attention more - those who love us and treat us well, or these guys who didn't value us enough to hold on with everything they had?? I feel guilty sometimes because my heart/mind is somewhat closed off to those who deserve more from me, while I'm pining over this person who betrayed me so horribly. And I don't know about you, but I also feel guilty wasting my days away thinking about this person, when I should be doing things for my own self and happiness. Who is more important - him, or you? The answer should be you, because you're all you have in the end.

 

Of course it's easy to realize all of this, and yet oh so hard to actually do anything about it. The whole concept of "letting go" is a difficult one. If we could talk ourselves into it, I think we would. But our hearts stubbornly refuse to move on.

 

Time, time, time... I honestly think that's about all that is going to change anything. Just keep working through the process and sorting out your feelings as they come. You're doing all you can. Sometimes it's just about surviving the day, and that's good enough for now. The rest will come with time.

[Ksol9]

I think you may have told me that you read this book as well. She suggested two books, Getting Back Together by Bettie Youngs and Make Up Don't Break up by Dr. Bonnie Weil. The Bonnie Weil book is the one where she talks about the 6-8 weeks. She actually advises a temporary break up. Especially with men who are distancers. The temporary break up is the only way to get movement for change and most times it creates a stronger bond between the couple...even in cases where there is infidelity. However, in my case the break up was done as a knee jerk reaction to the emails. Me moving out was not discussed and I did not leave with love. I left with overflowing anger. She also suggests that during the split that there is no communication. Everything that the book spoke about happened the first time him and I broke up. It even spoke about the honeymoon stage after getting back together and how long it would last. We fell directly into those categories she spoke about. Although a lot of couples temporarily split due to infidelity, I don't see him and I reconnecting this time.

 

As for my counselor, I have no motivation to continue working with her. The minute she mentioned forgivenesss a huge wall went up. I don't want to deal with any of right now for some reason. Maybe it seems too overwhelming right now. Maybe because I don't want to deal with how final things are at this point. I still feel deep in my heart, if the opportunity presented itself, I would try to work things out with him. I guess that is wishful thinking. I'm going to give myself a few more days to get back on my feet. She sent me a list of questions that she wants me to answer regarding forgiveness and I want to get started but can't bring myself to start. Im even contemplating quitting counseling all together. I just want to sit in my room and go through this all alone. I know I sound like a total brat.

 

Rejection..I'm not prepared for that at all. Just last week when he sent the text about the passwords. Thankfully I did not try to open dialogue about what happened because had he not responded or something of that sort, I probably would be in much worse condition than I am in now. The ball is really in his court. I really is what it is. He has to decide that he wants to change and that he feels our relationship is worth fighting for. As much as I speculate that he just doesn't care and isn't thinking of me, I truly don't know. I don't know anything other than I've seen him drive by my job almost everyday this week. I even saw him today. Luckily he didn't see me or my vehicle. I was in a different vehicle. Anyhow, I don't know what he is thinking or what he is going through. I know he isn't in another relationship and I can only hope he will give everything that happened some good thought. If he wants to talk, he knows my number. I can kick and scream all I want, there really isn't anything I can do about my situation right now. It's his turn to do something about it and apparently he's taking some time. If he doesn't, then I'll have to continue to try my best to heal from this.

 

Everyday is up and down. I'm taking this day by day. A lot of my tears the night I found the emails was because of this. Knowing that I would have to go through this again and that I wouldn't be able to see or talk to them for a long while if not ever again.

 

I still can't believe this happened and I can't even believe that he never once called to try to save our relationship. I'm still amazed by that.

[Ksol9]

"It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline

In the number of husbands and wives"

~ Husbands and Wives, by Brooks and Dunn

 

Like the song suggests, pride ruins a lot of relationships and prevents a lot of reconciliations. We all let pride get in the way, to some extent. I think it's just human nature.

 

"I should hold close those who love me and want the best for me...those who do their bloody best not to see me shed a tear."

"I need to remind myself what is most important...my family, my loved ones, happiness, living righteously. That is the ultimate life goal isn't it?"

This has crossed my mind several times, as well. Here you and I are, with friends and family who love us dearly and would never be so careless with our hearts, and yet we're allowing ourselves to feel miserable over guys who should have gone out of their way to make us happy but instead did the opposite. Who deserves our care and attention more - those who love us and treat us well, or these guys who didn't value us enough to hold on with everything they had?? I feel guilty sometimes because my heart/mind is somewhat closed off to those who deserve more from me, while I'm pining over this person who betrayed me so horribly. And I don't know about you, but I also feel guilty wasting my days away thinking about this person, when I should be doing things for my own self and happiness. Who is more important - him, or you? The answer should be you, because you're all you have in the end.

 

Of course it's easy to realize all of this, and yet oh so hard to actually do anything about it. The whole concept of "letting go" is a difficult one. If we could talk ourselves into it, I think we would. But our hearts stubbornly refuse to move on.

 

Time, time, time... I honestly think that's about all that is going to change anything. Just keep working through the process and sorting out your feelings as they come. You're doing all you can. Sometimes it's just about surviving the day, and that's good enough for now. The rest will come with time.

 

This could have been me writing this post. I agree with everything you said in it's entirety. When I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you are absolutely right, why am I pinning over someone who chose a different path? Someone who chose to run rather than to stick it out with me through good and bad? I may have left, but he didn't do anything thereafter. It boggles my mind sometimes. Don't you wish it was easier to control the heart? It's really amazing to me how your heart can become so attached to someone that it will allow you to compromise so much. You mental and physical health is so important. I don't know why I can't find peace in knowing that it will all work out for the best in the long run.

[lostlove76]

Make Up Don't Break up by Dr. Bonnie Weil. The Bonnie Weil book is the one where she talks about the 6-8 weeks. She actually advises a temporary break up. Especially with men who are distancers. The temporary break up is the only way to get movement for change and most times it creates a stronger bond between the couple...even in cases where there is infidelity.

Ohh yes, I did read Make Up Don't Break up during a difficult relationship during my mid-20's. I don't know what happened to my copy; I looked for it a few years ago to loan a friend and couldn't find it. I need to buy another. I wish I had thought to read it during my time with my guy, but it didn't even occur to me. I don't think it would have helped in our case, though, because he's not mature enough (and way too selfish) to have done any sort of work at all to improve things.

 

As for my counselor, I have no motivation to continue working with her. The minute she mentioned forgivenesss a huge wall went up. I don't want to deal with any of right now for some reason. Maybe it seems too overwhelming right now. Maybe because I don't want to deal with how final things are at this point. I still feel deep in my heart, if the opportunity presented itself, I would try to work things out with him. I guess that is wishful thinking. I'm going to give myself a few more days to get back on my feet. She sent me a list of questions that she wants me to answer regarding forgiveness and I want to get started but can't bring myself to start. Im even contemplating quitting counseling all together. I just want to sit in my room and go through this all alone. I know I sound like a total brat.

Hmm. Are you equating forgiveness with acceptance that things are completely over? I don't think they are one and the same. I think you could work on forgiveness and still reconcile with him if he reaches out. In fact, it would probably be imperative to forgive in order to move forward with him if that were to happen. I might be misunderstanding what you're saying, though. I do understand not being ready to forgive, however. I myself have zero desire to forgive at this point. I'm not sure why, since I know it would bring some much-needed peace. I guess I just don't believe that anything he did is forgivable. Maybe holding onto the anger makes me feel like I have some measure of control over the situation, some choice in the matter... which I don't. Anyway, it's still so early for you. Forgiveness can come with time. You're still reeling from the fact that it even happened.

 

Rejection..I'm not prepared for that at all. Just last week when he sent the text about the passwords. Thankfully I did not try to open dialogue about what happened because had he not responded or something of that sort, I probably would be in much worse condition than I am in now. The ball is really in his court. I really is what it is. He has to decide that he wants to change and that he feels our relationship is worth fighting for. As much as I speculate that he just doesn't care and isn't thinking of me, I truly don't know. I don't know anything other than I've seen him drive by my job almost everyday this week. I even saw him today. Luckily he didn't see me or my vehicle. I was in a different vehicle. Anyhow, I don't know what he is thinking or what he is going through. I know he isn't in another relationship and I can only hope he will give everything that happened some good thought. If he wants to talk, he knows my number. I can kick and scream all I want, there really isn't anything I can do about my situation right now. It's his turn to do something about it and apparently he's taking some time. If he doesn't, then I'll have to continue to try my best to heal from this.

Completely agree with everything you said here.

 

I still can't believe this happened and I can't even believe that he never once called to try to save our relationship. I'm still amazed by that.

I know. You really don't know what he's thinking or feeling, if he's remorseful or not, if he wants to make amends. I really try my best to look for the reasons why people do what they do, because I think that understanding it helps to lessen the pain just a tiny little bit. And I've tried to do that with and for you, because I know how horrible it feels to think that he just doesn't care at all, when that's probably not even the case. So I guess I would suggest to keep in mind all the things that could be holding him back, rather than assuming it's because he just doesn't care enough to save the relationship. At the same time, the fact remains that he hasn't acted on anything. He could alleviate your pain so much if he would even just say that he's sorry. Just SOMETHING. Anything at all is better than this horrible silence. I don't have much respect for him for handling things in this way, but I'm on the outside, and I don't love him like you do. Sometimes I want to tell you that you shouldn't give him another chance. He blew it. He's not worthy of your love. But I know that's not helpful, because you do love him and you do want him back.

[lostlove76]

This could have been me writing this post. I agree with everything you said in it's entirety. When I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, you are absolutely right, why am I pinning over someone who chose a different path? Someone who chose to run rather than to stick it out with me through good and bad? I may have left, but he didn't do anything thereafter. It boggles my mind sometimes. Don't you wish it was easier to control the heart? It's really amazing to me how your heart can become so attached to someone that it will allow you to compromise so much. You mental and physical health is so important. I don't know why I can't find peace in knowing that it will all work out for the best in the long run.

 

Very well-said! And yes I do wish it was easier to control the heart. It's almost as if we have no control over it at all. We feel what we feel, and we can do all these things to try to change that, but it doesn't really work. I guess this is the price of love and vulnerability - the risk of getting hurt.

[Ksol9]

Off topic...

 

I just got a call from my sister and brother in law....they are expecting their first child!!! I'm so excited. My parents are going to be grandparents for the first time!!

 

I was so excited and happy, I wanted to cry. In the exact same moment, I thought about him. I wanted to share this news with him. I was just talking about how life is so precious it should be spent with loved ones. Life truly is so beautiful. In the midst of my heartaches, I am truly happy and excited in this very moment.

 

I actually wrote a text to him saying my sister and brother in law are expecting and that he was the first person I wanted to call. I quickly deleted the words. I couldn't send it. He grew very close to my sister and her husband. My sister is a tough cookie and surprisingly she took a liking to him and the children. We spent a lot of quality time with them when they were in town. I'm sad that he isn't around to share this news with. That's neither here nor there...I got some great news tonight. It was nice to get my mind off all the negativity in my world for a short while.

[Ksol9]

I was just thinking...the night he was out of town...earlier in the day, we had an argument. He was so angry with me. He spoke to me like I was the worst person the face of the planet, like he completely hated me. I was still upset about the Facebook searches. I kept trying to explain to him that he has a wandering eye and what would I need a man who searches other women on Facebook..especially women who work at places he frequents. He started ranting about how...you're so insecure! That's why you can't have a good relationship! You'll never be able to have a lasting relationship! He hung up the phone on me. A little while later he sent a text asking if I had installed the children's monitoring app on his phone. I never responded though I was extremely offended. It wasn't until I found the emails that I figured why he was so conferned about me viewing the contents of his phone. I was shocked by the way he spoke to me. It was borderline emotionally abusive. I remained calm throughout the day. He called periodically to check on the children. After they finished work, he was at his bosses' house having drinks. I could tell he was intoxicated. I was ice cold. He knew he was wrong for the way he spoke to me. By the evening, he was saying he loved me and he didn't mean to talk to me that way. I was still cold and told him I was just making sure the children would be ok until he came back. I gave him the impression he was not getting off the hook for the way he spoke to me. Then by nighttime. I ignored the rest of his calls and text messages. That's apparently when the emails happened.

 

With that being said...his actions are quite spiteful. He was so angry that he said to himself, I'm going to show her! I'm going to replace her, cheat on her, disrespect her! If that isn't a bad person then I don't know what to say. That is not a good person. Really loving someone would not allow that kind of rage to turn into spite. I'm not very fond of him right now.

[Ksol9]

I'm in such a rotten mood today. I am still so very excited about the baby news, but I'm annoyed that he is not around to share all these great things in my life. Everyone else's life is progressing and we were stuck in this rut. I can take full responsibility for my part in the reasons our relationship was not ok, but he totally went beyond any boundary when he started involving other women in our relationship. I just keep thinking about how there are so much more wonderful things going on in life. Life is so beautiful. When I take I step back, my ultimate life goal is just to be happy with my loved ones, to live righteously, and to keep those who love and care for me close. Family really is everything! That is why I believe we are on this Earth...to live life to the fullest. This was another reminder that there is so much more to life than worrying about what he was doing. He spent his time contacting other women behind my back and who knows what else when he should be enjoying our life together, raising the children, and planning a life together. The life he was living with me was not worth living. That is not how I want to live my life....no way, no how!

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. Congratulations on your soon-to-be new niece or nephew!! I'm glad to hear you got some happy news to brighten your day a little!! This will be something new you can focus on and look forward to for the next 9 months, and even more so once the baby comes. I'm happy for you

 

I'm in a rotten mood today, too. I agree with everything you said in your last post, about there being more to life than worrying about what our exes are doing. These guys who did us so wrong really are not worth our being so completely miserable day in and day out, are they? They're the ones who didn't value what they had enough to keep it. They're the ones who messed everything up. So why should we be the ones to suffer like this, while they skate on by? I know mine is having the time of his life with skanky new girl, and has completely forgotten about me. We don't know exactly what yours is doing or thinking. But we do know that you and I are both living in pain every day and letting life pass us by and not enjoying all the things we should be enjoying. I have a friend who is in the same spot we are, facing complete silence from his ex, suffering every day; he's about as far along after the breakup as I am, about 3 months. We're all good people, and we don't deserve this, damnit. If only it were that easy to pep-talk ourselves out of the pain

 

What does your sister think about what he did and what he's doing now??

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. Congratulations on your soon-to-be new niece or nephew!! I'm glad to hear you got some happy news to brighten your day a little!! This will be something new you can focus on and look forward to for the next 9 months, and even more so once the baby comes. I'm happy for you

 

I'm in a rotten mood today, too. I agree with everything you said in your last post, about there being more to life than worrying about what our exes are doing. These guys who did us so wrong really are not worth our being so completely miserable day in and day out, are they? They're the ones who didn't value what they had enough to keep it. They're the ones who messed everything up. So why should we be the ones to suffer like this, while they skate on by? I know mine is having the time of his life with skanky new girl, and has completely forgotten about me. We don't know exactly what yours is doing or thinking. But we do know that you and I are both living in pain every day and letting life pass us by and not enjoying all the things we should be enjoying. I have a friend who is in the same spot we are, facing complete silence from his ex, suffering every day; he's about as far along after the breakup as I am, about 3 months. We're all good people, and we don't deserve this, damnit. If only it were that easy to pep-talk ourselves out of the pain

 

What does your sister think about what he did and what he's doing now??

 

 

I'm surprised to hear your friend is suffering just as much and he is a male. Call me naive, but I have always thought most men don't suffer like women do after a break up. I feel like most men brush it off their shoulders so to speak. Silly me...we're all human. Heartache is a heartache regardless of gender. I literally picture my guy playing video games and laughing and having a good old time. There's no way I think he's sad or even thinking of me non stop like I am thinking of him. I can't believe any of it.

 

My sister is trying not to pass too much judgement. She knows we have been going back and forth for quite some time now and not much time has passed to say we won't be getting back together. She finds it very strange that he had not said anything to me at all. She said she does not respect that he has not attempted to talk to me since it happened. She is just as confused as I am. I guess everyone is just standing back watching. My parents have said they believe this cycle will continue. I don't see a cycle. I see a final decision and I think he and I both have accepted it this time. I really don't see that he will ever try to make amends. He sure isn't going to admit to any wrongdoing. He straight up told me he said "what's up big deal!" He better stay far away from me if he ever thinks about giving me those excuses again. Honestly, I don't think he sees a way to save this relationship.

 

If you both are around 3 months, it is just beginning for me. I dread the thought of another month going by. It's already been almost 1 month. This is so crazy. This whole situation is a total fiasco.

[lostlove76]

It surprises me, too, to see men going through heartache like we do. I've always thought men were pretty much emotionless, and I think a lot (most?) of them are. But apparently not all. I'm actually highly surprised at the number of men who post here on these threads. It seems like in just about every breakup, there is one person, whether they be male or female, who suffers a lot more than the other. It probably boils down to attachment styles and such. Anxious styles are often paired with avoidants, and it's the avoidants who seem to get off the easiest in the end. Who knows what really goes on in their heads and hearts, though. Hopefully they feel it, but they're just really good at burying it. It's all so very depressing, really. I hope to never again fall for another avoidant, but I know that I will, because that's what I'm drawn to.

 

I didn't mean to discourage you with the 3 month talk. But if you follow the same path I do, it really is just beginning for you. I will say, though, that the first half of this breakup journey felt like a sharp intense pain, and it's now more of a dull ache. So it does get better in that regard. I would rather feel what I'm feeling now than what I felt in the beginning, when I was crying every day, and constantly asking myself (and anyone else who was willing to listen) whyyyyy he did this to me, and waiting every night for a phone call that never came. Give it a few more weeks and you'll start shifting to the other side a bit at a time. This is of course if you don't hear from him at all by then. Best to be prepared for what's to come, though, maybe. Just know that it won't continue to hurt this intensively forever, even though I know it feels like it.

 

"What's the big deal" was such a lame, disrespectful response. Mine said similar when I caught him on the dating site. He said "It doesn't matter" and "Who gives a shiit?" Well it DOES matter and it IS a big deal, and I don't know what's wrong with them to suggest that it isn't. Some men just don't have solid values when it comes to monogamy, I guess. I know mine doesn't, anyways... not sure about yours. It seems he was only communicating with other women when you guys fought, whereas mine would do it when we fought AND when things were really really good between us. He just couldn't handle the closeness or the commitment, and then couldn't handle the thought of being alone when I got upset and wouldn't talk to him.

 

Men are just big babies, and I'm about disgusted with them. I know they aren't all like this, but enough of them are to see a pattern. They need it learn to handle their emotions. We manage to do it without screwing anyone over, so they can learn to do it too!

 

Sorry! Feeling very irritated at the moment lol. Just sick of all the BS they cause us.

[Ksol9]

Irritated...that's the perfect word for how I'm feeling today. I'm am so irritated that he hasn't contacted me that I'm taking it out on everyone around me. It's really horrible. I came home and I'm just going to stay in tonight. I just want to sleep through this entire ordeal. Wake me up when this nightmare is over please.

 

I completely empathize with you lostlove and I'm so very sorry that you are suffering. I hope that this all comes to an end soon.

 

I keep telling myself that I'm better off alone than being with him and he is betraying me. To live that way down right scary and it was emotionally draining. I love him and miss everything about him, but I'm not that selfish to just want him while putting everything else at risk. Lately I've been wondering IF he is even possible of change. Terrible childhood. Both birth parents died when he was very young. Mother abandoned him quite a few times before her death. Im sure there are deep seeded issues he has because of his childhood alone. He came from a failed divorce. Didn't have a relationship since divorce until he met me years after divorce. They didn't marry until later in the relationship so it is my impression the marriage was a bandaid for something. Maybe exactly what is happening with me. She later cheated on him ending the marriage. She is now in a lesbian relationship. This is the mother of the children. I just don't believe it was all her. I have always thought he must have done something to this woman. It wasn't all her. I mean if he has been through so much, wouldn't you think even losing that relationship which broke up his family, would spark change. He has some deep rooted habits that I haven't seen change in. That means he's always been this way. For example, the silence after arguments. This is something I've always known about since meeting him. That isn't going to change. What if this scouting for other women isn't going to change? Temporary change is easy. Permanent change can take a lifetime. Do I really know what I'm hoping and praying for?

 

I guess everything happens for a reason. I am going through this for a reason. I am so much more aware now. I honestly don't think there is a thing I haven't experienced in relationships that wouldn't send off some sort of alert in me. My most important lesson throughout this entire ordeal was to trust my gut. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. That is a red flag to pump the brakes. You don't go running. You slow down and assess. I didn't do that here. I just kept going full speed with him until we crashed. Now I don't know if him and I are going to make it through this.

 

The first break up was totally necessary. I don't believe I would have gotten to where I did during our split if we hadn't split. I appreciated him and the relationship in a whole new light. I had new direction and I learned a lot of things about myself. Oddly the problem we ran into was one I hadn't prepared for or ever experienced before in my life. I packed up and ran. Running away from my problems was something I worked on during our split and while I was with him when I went back, I didn't run once from any of our problems. I stayed and battled with myself and with him through good and bad. It wasn't until this that fire was set all around me and I just ran. I was thinking today how I preach that your partner should be there through thick and thin, through good and bad...look what I did, I ran for the hills. I didn't really have choice. No use beating myself up over this one because truthfully, I had to leave in order for him to change in the event we get back together. If we don't, I still have a chance at finding a happy ending to my love story with someone new. Gosh I've gone through some frogs.

 

Ultimately, I would love for him to come back with a new attitude, new mindset, and ready for change. Aside from him running to other women when we had fights, I think we had a great thing going and I still have so much faith in him. I can't excuse his behavior but I think with work we can really make it. I've always felt that way about him. Meeting him was no accident. Everything that we are going through is for a reason. We both have always said this.

 

Weekends used to be so exciting. I couldn't wait for Friday because it meant we would get to spend uninterrupted time with eachother. We'd do lots of activities with the children. Now I don't look forward to the weekends at all. It's been filled with a lot of tears.

 

I was wondering lostlove, you said that you wouldn't want to talk to your guy. What are you longing for? Are you hoping for change and maybe save your relationship? I'm just wondering if you are feeling the heartbreak regardless of wanting to be with him still or not?

[lostlove76]

I completely understand wanting to sleep through it all. It seems to be the one and only relief from all the pain and anger and overthinking and wishing and hoping and waiting. Until it creeps into your dreams, and then sleep isn't even much of a relief. You'll eventually get through all this. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you will. Weekends will continue to be lonely for a while, but eventually you won't associate them with him as much. I associate nighttime with mine, because we would always talk all night long until daylight, or stay up together when he lived here. But it's gotten better and I don't feel his absence so intensely at night anymore. This is all a very gradual process, and you'll eventually get there.

 

It sounds like his early life, and divorce, really messed him up. I wonder too if he's capable of change. Remind me how old he is again?

 

If nothing else, it seems like it would be so easy for him to just NOT contact other women. That's an easy thing to stop doing - you just don't do it!! But I guess he has to want to stop. And maybe find some different coping methods during arguments. That might be the hardest part, getting him to be willing to face whatever those feelings are and find some other way to deal with them. At least, as far as you know (?) it's just during fights right? If it were all the time, if he were a womanizer like mine was, it would be more difficult I think. Then again, who knows if you have the full story and know everything that happened. I'm not trying to put ideas in your head, just suggesting that you consider there may be more you don't know. If you don't ever hear from him again, consider this a bullet dodged. You wouldn't want to be married to someone who is sneaking around doing god knows what. I think couples counseling, or even just him going to therapy on his own, would be a really good idea if you get back together.

 

I was wondering lostlove, you said that you wouldn't want to talk to your guy. What are you longing for? Are you hoping for change and maybe save your relationship? I'm just wondering if you are feeling the heartbreak regardless of wanting to be with him still or not?

This is a good question. I would love nothing more than for him to come back and show he cares and that he's ready to change and commit and be a good boyfriend. I would be willing to forgive and move forward if it meant having a happy life with him. We connected in such a wonderful way, and although I try my best not to, I miss him and all the good stuff we had together. So that would be my ultimate hope. He would have to do something big to prove he's changed, because I've learned that I simply can't trust his words and promises. He would have to move back here, or come get me to live there and show that he 100% wanted me there. I don't see any of this happening. I held out a slim hope for it in he beginning, but I've pretty much given up since he's still with her. I'm pretty certain that he's in love with this horrible woman and has forgotten all about me, which hurts beyond belief. So given all that, and knowing that what I really want isn't going to happen, I wish he would at least just call or text or something. Something to show that he hasn't forgotten that I exist. I would probably ignore it, since he's been with her and I would know that he was only calling because things with south between them. I refuse to be a backup. Call it petty, but it would give me some satisfaction to ignore it and show that I'm not willing to be taken advantage of like that.

 

What do you think you'll do if yours calls, say, 3 or 4 months out? I know you said you would be offended, but what would you do? Would you talk to him? Give him a chance?

[Ksol9]

My guy is 37 years old. I am 32. I mean everyone has a story to tell about their past. We are all damaged in some way, but I just think there is an underlying reason why he was contacting these other women. You are absolutely correct that I may not know the extent of what was really going on. I can only assume. I won't get closer to knowing unless I talk to him. I know I may not get truth from him but it will give me a better idea of what his intentions are. He was always very open with his phone and his whereabouts. We were literally together all the time. Even throughout the day, we spoke constantly. There were no other women lingering around wanting his time. I can say that for sure. To me it seems that anything he was doing was linked to casual sex if that. Maybe it didn't get that far yet, but I do think there is a high possibility. Something terribly wrong was going to happen if it didn't already happen. I know everything happened in the right time because it could have been worse.

 

Your answer to my question regarding your hopes for the relationship are pretty much identical to what I hope for. The relationship you once had is over. You guys would have to start fresh and new. You also would have to let go of any anger and resentment, which is hard to do. It's hard to think about the what ifs when they seem to be so far from reach right now. I know everything could change in a split second, but I'm here dealing with the here and now. There are so many people who go through very rough patches in their relationships. Some have even had serious relationships in between. Sometimes this is needed to learn to appreciate someone. I have seen some very strong bonds formed after those breaks. It is possible, BUT it definitely takes 2 willing parties. And that means we have to allow time to take its course. There is no way around it.

 

Although the pain of losing this relationship again is still high, something feels different. Maybe because I am on the other end or maybe I've been through this before and I'm expecting a similar outcome. Or maybe my feelings died somewhere because of the betrayal. Im just feeling something unexplainable because things were left the way they were.

 

Sleep...not easy to come by these days. It's so vital. It controls mood. I have dreamt of him every single time I fall asleep. I'm thinking of him so much that even in my dreams I am not getting a break from him. Lately I've been dreaming of flooding or drownings. Not nice dreams with him. My whole life is just out of control right now.

 

If he were to call me 3 or 4 months down the road...I don't think I'd give the relationship a try. If he has to wait that amount of time to say something to me, i just wouldn't feel comfortable. As it is right now, I'm shocked he has let this much time pass by. I think I'd talk to him, but I'd already be detached that I would be extremely hesitant to go any further. I remember last time at 2 months, he didn't have to tell me twice, I was ready to jump back into the relationship and so was he. This time, I'm committed to walking with extreme caution. I just don't get it lostlove, there has to come a point where you say to yourself, screw my pride..I hurt this person that I say I love..regardless of if I admit my wrongs or not, I need to talk to this person to see if we can figure this out like 2 adults and as a team. I just don't understand him. He can't possibly be expecting me to come get him because I'm the one who broke up with him. He just doesn't want the relationship anymore. That is my conclusion.

 

How do you know your guy is in love with this woman? She sounds so yuck to me. A married woman? How can he take her seriously? Maybe he is just having a good time and is caught up in the excitement of a new relationship? There are some elements of her situation that are very alarming and I'm sure he knows this. I don't believe he doesn't think of you at all. Im sure he does, it is just that he is occupied with woman so he is unable to feel the true loss of you from his life. I've also thought about if mine were in a relationship. I too don't think I would give him the time of day should he come around. I'm too old for these games.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. Another rough day so far! I swear it's like it never ends. I guess some people just having a much harder time detaching than others.

 

How do you know your guy is in love with this woman? She sounds so yuck to me. A married woman? How can he take her seriously? Maybe he is just having a good time and is caught up in the excitement of a new relationship? There are some elements of her situation that are very alarming and I'm sure he knows this. I don't believe he doesn't think of you at all. Im sure he does, it is just that he is occupied with woman so he is unable to feel the true loss of you from his life. I've also thought about if mine were in a relationship. I too don't think I would give him the time of day should he come around. I'm too old for these games.

I saw a post he liked on facebook within the past week that said "You fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time." He's not one to like posts like that, so I know it means he loves her. Also, she's living with him. I really want to believe that it's just the excitement of a new relationship and that it'll die out, but he gets attached. You're right that she's pretty yuck. She abandoned her husband and kids for gosh sake, and I don't understand why everyone is okay with this - her husband, her 15-year-old daughter who is old enough to know what's going on, my ex. She's just living it up, having the time of her life. Which she couldn't be doing if my ex wasn't giving her a place to live. So he's basically a homewrecker. It just hurts so much that he spent 6 months telling me he wanted me to live there with him, but kept getting cold feet and putting it off while I waited patiently because I was being understanding of his "issues".... and then he immediately lets this woman move in and take over his place with all her crap. It's just killing me every day, and I don't know how to get over the pain. I loved him. She's probably just using him because she wants to live there. Not to sound childish, but it's just not fair, ya know?

 

My guy is 37 years old. I am 32. I mean everyone has a story to tell about their past. We are all damaged in some way, but I just think there is an underlying reason why he was contacting these other women. You are absolutely correct that I may not know the extent of what was really going on. I can only assume. I won't get closer to knowing unless I talk to him. I know I may not get truth from him but it will give me a better idea of what his intentions are. He was always very open with his phone and his whereabouts. We were literally together all the time. Even throughout the day, we spoke constantly. There were no other women lingering around wanting his time. I can say that for sure. To me it seems that anything he was doing was linked to casual sex if that. Maybe it didn't get that far yet, but I do think there is a high possibility. Something terribly wrong was going to happen if it didn't already happen. I know everything happened in the right time because it could have been worse.

About the same age as mine. If a guy is in his 20's, we can somewhat blame it on youth and immaturity. But when they reach their late 30's and they're doing these things, there is some reason for it. I really hope you get to talk to him one day, whether you get back together or not. Having a better understanding of why it happened might aid in healing. He may not even be able to tell you why, though. Not everyone is as self-reflective as you and I... especially guys. But maybe he will be forced to figure some things out in your absence. He certainly has the space to right now. That's one good thing about NC, I suppose.

 

Although the pain of losing this relationship again is still high, something feels different. Maybe because I am on the other end or maybe I've been through this before and I'm expecting a similar outcome. Or maybe my feelings died somewhere because of the betrayal. Im just feeling something unexplainable because things were left the way they were.

Do you feel like it helps that you were the one to cut it off? Last time it was him, this time it was you. I don't know if you can easily compare the two, since this time you've already been through it before. Just wondering how the pain compares between this time and last time. At least this time, you know that you stood up for yourself and did the right and healthy thing for yourself. You took care of you. Last time, he made the decision and it was out of your control.

 

It's hard to think about the what ifs when they seem to be so far from reach right now. I know everything could change in a split second, but I'm here dealing with the here and now.

Agreed. The present situation and how you're feeling today is overwhelming enough without trying to figure out how you'll handle whatever may happen in the near future, of which there are several possible scenarios. Just getting through each day is hard enough.

 

Sleep...not easy to come by these days. It's so vital. It controls mood. I have dreamt of him every single time I fall asleep. I'm thinking of him so much that even in my dreams I am not getting a break from him. Lately I've been dreaming of flooding or drownings. Not nice dreams with him. My whole life is just out of control right now.

Quality sleep is SO important. I know with myself that I'm MUCH more prone to anxiety the next day if I don't get enough decent sleep, and I would think that would be true for you (and anyone) as well. It does control mood, too, and ability to cope with stress and difficult emotions. Have you tried taking benadryl to sleep? It might be worth it to take something short-term just until you catch up.

 

If he were to call me 3 or 4 months down the road...I don't think I'd give the relationship a try. If he has to wait that amount of time to say something to me, i just wouldn't feel comfortable. As it is right now, I'm shocked he has let this much time pass by. I think I'd talk to him, but I'd already be detached that I would be extremely hesitant to go any further. I remember last time at 2 months, he didn't have to tell me twice, I was ready to jump back into the relationship and so was he. This time, I'm committed to walking with extreme caution. I just don't get it lostlove, there has to come a point where you say to yourself, screw my pride..I hurt this person that I say I love..regardless of if I admit my wrongs or not, I need to talk to this person to see if we can figure this out like 2 adults and as a team. I just don't understand him. He can't possibly be expecting me to come get him because I'm the one who broke up with him. He just doesn't want the relationship anymore. That is my conclusion.

I really don't get it either, ksol. His silence is odd. Let me ask you this - do you think it's possible that he's googled and learned about the NC rule? I don't know if he's the type to read about relationship tips on the internet, but maybe he has? As you know all too well, EVERYTHING online says go NC no matter what. There is no gray area in the advice given. It's suggested to dumpers and dumpees alike. So if he read about it, perhaps he thinks he's doing the right thing. Probably a slim chance, but worth wondering about. I had a male friend last year suggest NC to me during an off period with mine (I hadn't said anything about NC to him at all), and I remember thinking "wow, he's been online reading about this stuff!" Surprising, but as we see here on these threads, guys do come looking for advice.

 

If not that, then there are just so many possibilities - pride, thinking he's doing the right thing because he feels you want to be left alone, a feeling of helplessness to fix the situation, giving you time to cool off, giving himself time to figure out his issues... it could be one of a dozen things other than that he just doesn't want the relationship anymore.

 

Big hugs, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this You definitely deserve better.