Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[Ksol9]

If there wasn't anything wrong with him contacting his Ex, then he would have told you about it. Lots of people have an Ex they are friends with, but if there wasn't anything going on, then you'd hear about them, like you would any other friend.

 

In my experience, when someone is up to no good, when you confront them, they will never give up their lie and hold onto it if there is any way they can talk their way out of it. They can look you right in the face and lie as if they believe the lie.

 

You're absolutely correct and this is exactly what happened. I confronted and he lied about it being innocent. If your bf or gf has a friend of the opposite sex, there is nothing wrong with that as long as there is openess and honesty about the friendship. Especially if it is platonic then there should be no problem sharing the friendship with your significant other. He is just full of total crap. He tried to deflect and I wasn't buying. I put him in his place and he walked away. I'm done confronting, I've done what I had to do. I don't believe I'll hear a word from him ever again. He knows what he did and he knows there is no repairing. Things would be different right now if there was some remorse and honesty. He didn't give me a choice in ending the relationship based on his honesty. I had to end the relationship based on uncertainty about what happened because he couldn't be honest. Regardless, sending the email was wrong. I don't believe I will ever get answers or closure. My closure is in knowing I dodged a bullet.

[lostlove76]

I agree that you dodged a bullet. If they'll do it once, they'll do it again. It would take a lot of work for him to repair the broken trust, and if he comes back 100% committed to doing that, then you can decide. But you absolutely did the right thing. His response to getting caught was weak and lame. Thank goodness you caught him, ya know? If this is what he does when conflict arises, then he obviously has issues.

 

I know how terribly it all hurts.

[Ksol9]

I agree that you dodged a bullet. If they'll do it once, they'll do it again. It would take a lot of work for him to repair the broken trust, and if he comes back 100% committed to doing that, then you can decide. But you absolutely did the right thing. His response to getting caught was weak and lame. Thank goodness you caught him, ya know? If this is what he does when conflict arises, then he obviously has issues.

 

I know how terribly it all hurts.

 

 

You said something that is key to the whole situation right now....it would take a lot of work for him to repair the broken trust and if he comes back 100% committed to doing that, then you can decide. That one statement sums it up entirely. I didn't get 100% while we were in a relationship. I don't believe he has what it takes to give me 100%. There are way too many factors involved and in the way of him putting in that kind of effort for me. I don't believe I was ever a priority nor did he value me. And I deserve that from someone. I'm still young, attractive, intelligent, no baggage, and I have a good heart...a broken one, but good nonetheless. I absolutely feel that I made the right decision for myself, the children, and everyone else involved by leaving. I am not counting on hearing from him ever again and in fact, I know that he too understands the challenge it would take for him to return. That is why he let it go, he can not muster up the courage. I know what I'm dealing with.

 

I love him, but this decision was made with my head and not my heart. I'm very level headed about the whole thing. I don't feel I'm making a mistake at all. This is the only way to protect myself.

[lostlove76]

You're a very smart girl! You have a good head on your shoulders. I'm sure that he does know that he doesn't have what it takes to truly work towards fixing this, and he knows that you won't settle for anything less. And that's a good thing. It shows that you're strong and that you respect yourself, and he is fully aware of this. A lot of guys will creep back in with apologies and sweet talk and do the bare minimum to get you back, and then they know they can get away with it again the next time. I gave my guy way too many chances, and it hurt more and more every time he did the next awful thing. I finally gained the strength to cut it off for good, and I think he knows, too, that I won't settle for anything less than everything. And if he doesn't already know it, then he'll find out if and when he ever creeps back. It hurts when you don't hear from them at all, but you have the right mindset to get you through it. He isn't good enough for you as he is now, if he's not willing to do the work. But who knows, this might be a wake up call and he'll really think about things and be ready to make some changes. You never know. But keep your boundaries firm, and keep knowing that you did all the right things. You've got this!

[Wiseman2]

Agree.You saved yourself an enormous amount of heartache by doing this.

I absolutely feel that I made the right decision for myself, the children, and everyone else involved by leaving. I am not counting on hearing from him ever again and in fact, I know that he too understands the challenge it would take for him to return.

[Ksol9]

Yes I had always suspected cheating from the lack of sex in our relationship. I have no idea where he'd find the time to cheat but I still suspected. That was a telling sign in my mind. We were always together. We have flexible work schedules and when we weren't together he would be on the phone with me. He was always at home with us. We were such great friends. I just don't get it.

 

All that strength you are hearing in my posts, I don't know where it is right now. Right now I am about to curl up in a ball and beg for my life back. Everyone has been so gentle with me. Gentle in supporting me and my decision to leave, to stand up for myself. But who has really lost here? I feel like I am the only one who is suffering. He has shown zero remorse. Has not even tried to make amends. Has left me alone to suffer alone. To fill in the blanks on my own. I am broken in a million pieces.

 

When we split up before, it was under completely different circumstances. We were having problems before...come to think about it, I don't even remember what it was about. I had never caught him cheating because I never looked this deep. He broke up with me and I was in agony for 2 months. I felt extremely guilt. I blamed myself for our relationship troubles. When he contacted me, I was so willing. Willing to work so hard to fix our relationship. Almost immediately upon returning, I found little red flags here and there that showed something wasn't right. I looked through his Facebook messages, there were women asking him out for drinks, sending half naked photos....making advances. He didn't accept the advanced but he didn't turn them down either. One giving a thumbs up, the other making an excuse about having to work. He never said, I'm in a relationship now I'm sorry. We talked about it, I let it slide. Then a little while after that I look at his Facebook search bar, he was searching names of women who work at local stores. I made a huge deal of that. The arguments carried on for days and that was when he had to go out of town for work. I wasn't speaking to him that day, just minimal conversation to let him know the children were ok. That was when he sent a different woman the emails when he was in the hotel. Fight or no fight, it's all wrong. I had proof in my hands that he did blatant wrong with the emails and that is why I left. I have no way of knowing if they slept together and I never will, but I felt as though I let enough slide. I felt he was taking me granted. He saw how willing I was to stay no matter what. I loved him endlessly. All of they came to end and I warned him it would because I knew he was playing games. He made me doubt myself, made me feel I had insecurities, self doubt. Now I know why. He had a lot to hide. He destroyed our relationship. He was so careless.

 

I know there is a possibility he may return to try to convince me. Although I'm doubtful of that happening, I've still considered the possibility. I am a very weak person. My track records shows this. I've gone back to him before and it didn't take much work. This time is different in many ways. I'm not eager to go back. I've taken a good look at this situation. I have my head on right. Most cheaters lie immediately upon getting caught. I didn't tell him right away, I told him very minimal info before I left. He knew what I was talking about. He had time to think about an excuse because I didn't actually confront or send proof until the next day. He still lied. He still sounded so foolish. Most people will lie initially, but afterward, if....IF they truly don't want to lose what they have taken for granted, they will show extreme remorse, they will do whatever they have to do to save the relationship, to stop this person from walking away. He said he was sorry for "whatever he did" I had to send him proof of something he knew he already did. Not once after the emails of me confronting him did he put a halt to the destruction of our relationship. He let me walk away. He let everything burn to the ground. And still he has been in silence. He knows what he has done. He knows what he has been doing all along. No remorse. No intention to make his wrongs right. I took a look at his Facebook last night, just in curiosity. All of my pictures are up still, but he has added a new female friend. A friend who he has repeatedly tried to take out on a date before meeting me. Someone he was interested in dating. I know I shouldn't be looking at his Facebook, it's not the best idea especially when I should want nothing to do with him, but that told me one thing. He is not worried about what he has destroyed...the damage he has done. He is thinking about other women and how to occupy his time. He's not thinking of the father he should be. He has custody of his children. Why not spend extra time and care on them. Why not sit and reflect on all that has happened between him and I. Think about what the underlying reasons were for doing what he has done. I'm glad I looked at his Facebook. It shows me, yet again, his intentions are not good at all. He does not care about what he has done. He doesn't care to change, certainly not for me or for himself. He walked away as a coward would because he knows he has gotten caught. Being honest is not an option for him, so he is looking for potential female options instead. I will be prepared if he decides to try to give me more excuses. My anger has died off since the initial confrontation, but im still seeing clear as day. This man is up to no good. He has not shown me once that he is trying to do the right thing, to change, to grow, to be honest..so I will not listen and I will no change my mind. My decision still stand because I have not seen otherwise. I'm taking my control and power back. I won't give him the opportunity to lie and hurt me anymore.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[lostlove76]

Hi again. It really does hurt when they don't reach out to try to fix things. It definitely makes you feel like you meant nothing at all to them. Ugh, I feel your pain, because I'm still feeling all these same things two months after last speaking with mine. I still feel so hurt and angry at him. It's not something that is easy to get over quickly. I try to tell myself that he's the one who was in the wrong, and that I deserve better, but it still hurts because you can't help but hang on to all the good times. You'll go through a lot of confusing emotions, so just know that it's totally normal and to be expected, and be gentle with yourself.

 

The things you found with his online activity do sound shady. Even if he was just "looking," it still shows what kind of guy he is. When you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be looking up other girls or letting them come on to you. This has nothing to do with you. It's all about him. Some guys are just womanizers and cheaters and commitment-phobes and will forever have a wandering eye. It's hard for people like me and you to understand, because we aren't that way. We value relationships and monogamy. I really don't know what's wrong with these men; honestly, it seems to be quite a common thing.

 

You said you checked his page and he added a new female friend. I'll just tell you that I did the same with mine back when we ended for good (well, I was already doing it all the time anyways, because I never trusted him - and with good reason). Then I started looking at HER page, and found out everything I could about her. And it's really messed up my healing in a big way. I can't get her image, or that of them together, out of my head. Still, after two months, it bothers me daily. So I would just caution you to consider whether looking any further will help or hurt your healing in the weeks and months looking forward. I couldn't resist looking, myself. And once I started, it became almost like an addiction. You were checking up on him before things ended (like I used to), so you must have had some inkling that you couldn't trust him. And your instincts turned out to be correct.

 

He may not call for a while. Remember that it took two months last time before he reached out. I'm sure that he knows he messed up royally, and he knows he's not good enough for you. So he'll avoid the guilt and the pain by distracting himself with other things (or other girls). I think this is very common with men, as well, from everything I've read. It often doesn't hit them until later how mich they've lost. I've read many threads here written by guys who, months later, are feeling regretful and are feeling the loss every day. Oftentimes they've tried to get the girl back, and by then she was over them. We women process these things immediately; for a lot of men, there is a delay because they don't want to deal with their feelings.

 

Big hugs, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Ksol9]

Hi again. It really does hurt when they don't reach out to try to fix things. It definitely makes you feel like you meant nothing at all to them. Ugh, I feel your pain, because I'm still feeling all these same things two months after last speaking with mine. I still feel so hurt and angry at him. It's not something that is easy to get over quickly. I try to tell myself that he's the one who was in the wrong, and that I deserve better, but it still hurts because you can't help but hang on to all the good times. You'll go through a lot of confusing emotions, so just know that it's totally normal and to be expected, and be gentle with yourself.

 

The things you found with his online activity do sound shady. Even if he was just "looking," it still shows what kind of guy he is. When you're in a relationship, you shouldn't be looking up other girls or letting them come on to you. This has nothing to do with you. It's all about him. Some guys are just womanizers and cheaters and commitment-phobes and will forever have a wandering eye. It's hard for people like me and you to understand, because we aren't that way. We value relationships and monogamy. I really don't know what's wrong with these men; honestly, it seems to be quite a common thing.

 

You said you checked his page and he added a new female friend. I'll just tell you that I did the same with mine back when we ended for good (well, I was already doing it all the time anyways, because I never trusted him - and with good reason). Then I started looking at HER page, and found out everything I could about her. And it's really messed up my healing in a big way. I can't get her image, or that of them together, out of my head. Still, after two months, it bothers me daily. So I would just caution you to consider whether looking any further will help or hurt your healing in the weeks and months looking forward. I couldn't resist looking, myself. And once I started, it became almost like an addiction. You were checking up on him before things ended (like I used to), so you must have had some inkling that you couldn't trust him. And your instincts turned out to be correct.

 

He may not call for a while. Remember that it took two months last time before he reached out. I'm sure that he knows he messed up royally, and he knows he's not good enough for you. So he'll avoid the guilt and the pain by distracting himself with other things (or other girls). I think this is very common with men, as well, from everything I've read. It often doesn't hit them until later how mich they've lost. I've read many threads here written by guys who, months later, are feeling regretful and are feeling the loss every day. Oftentimes they've tried to get the girl back, and by then she was over them. We women process these things immediately; for a lot of men, there is a delay because they don't want to deal with their feelings.

 

Big hugs, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

 

It is very hurtful. It's not that I want to hear him say he wants to save the relationship or that I was to make amends. It's not about that at all. It's not that I don't love him, I do very much, but I just can't comprehend why he did these things. It is his actions after the confrontation that are bothering me most. Things would be different right now had he been open and willing to be honest. I can't take the lying. It has to be one of the worst things a human can do. Bold faced lie about something with proof. I'm very hurt. I know life has to go on, but this is still very fresh in my mind. He too has to come to terms with what he has done. I don't think that he isn't thinking about it or isn't effected, because I'm sure he has put some thought into it, but I don't believe he cares much for my feelings, not enough to try to make amends. I believe he feels that nothing he says will matter because I won't believe him anyway.

 

You are also correct about the online activity. Just looking says a lot. Yes, there were problems within the relationship, but that is the reason we got back together because we believed we could work through any problems. I see now that he required plenty of attention even in times of conflict. I should not have to worry about infidelity because we got into a little spat. I never expected this from him. The wandering eye..I just don't think I could deal with that. There have been moments that I feel maybe I am not being realistic and that I'm in denial. This is who he is. He will not change. It has come to point where he has cheated and he may or may not have slept with another woman. I should wash my hands clean of this and just walk away without looking back. It could have been much worse. I have read stories of women on the Internet finding flat out dirty nitty gritty proof. Pictures and explicit conversations. I've read about months and months long affairs and betrayal. Thank god I didn't find something like this. It would have been all the more devastating. I feel like i have seen enough to know what could possibly happen if I were to stay in a the relationship. There are definitely people who reach this crossroad and they come to their senses from the wake up call. They make a commitment to themselves to change and to do what it takes, but I don't see that happening. If he contacts me...it will be a stupid poke just to see if I'm still mad. This is how he operates. And I will become even more enraged by the insult.

 

Infidelity doesn't have to be the end of a relationship. It can definitely be an opportunity for change. I would have so much more respect for him had he been honest. The more time goes by and I am seeing he doesn't give a care to say anything to me, I am realizing I did what was best in leaving. No need to carry on with this any longer and I can't fight to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't really care to be with me. That doesn't make sense.

 

Who knows why he did what he did. Who knows why he doesn't have anything to say for himself right now. It took 2 months to contact me after he broke up with me in February. Honestly, if he waited 2 months or even 1 month this time, it will be too late. I do believe you are correct about this..he will take quite a bit of time to have words for me..if at all.

[Ksol9]

Wow this is hard. I have this heavy feeling in my chest. Never thought I would be back here after we reconciled. 4 months after reconciliation. Had I not gone back, I would have been smooth sailing by now. I just looked over all the silliness I wrote the past couple of days. What am I thinking? Why in the world am I hurt by him not having any remorse? f*** him! I shouldn't care what he is feeling or what he does or doesn't have to say. Thank god for giving me the strength to leave him when I did. Do I love him? Yes. But he is no good for me as he is. I can bet my bottom dollar he won't have a word to say to me for weeks and if he does, it won't be of anything with substance. The agony I've been in because of him. By his actions. He did not want a committed relationship, just went along because of the perks. I cook clean and I babysit. What a fool I've been!

 

All this nonsense I've been talking about hurt I've been because he hasn't tried to make amends...must be the grief talking. He should have never contacted me in April. I was moving on with my life. All those broken promises and that's what I'm going to continue to expect.

[lostlove76]

Wow this is hard. I have this heavy feeling in my chest. Never thought I would be back here after we reconciled. 4 months after reconciliation. Had I not gone back, I would have been smooth sailing by now. I just looked over all the silliness I wrote the past couple of days. What am I thinking? Why in the world am I hurt by him not having any remorse? f*** him! I shouldn't care what he is feeling or what he does or doesn't have to say. Thank god for giving me the strength to leave him when I did. Do I love him? Yes. But he is no good for me as he is. I can bet my bottom dollar he won't have a word to say to me for weeks and if he does, it won't be of anything with substance. The agony I've been in because of him. By his actions. He did not want a committed relationship, just went along because of the perks. I cook clean and I babysit. What a fool I've been!

 

All this nonsense I've been talking about hurt I've been because he hasn't tried to make amends...must be the grief talking. He should have never contacted me in April. I was moving on with my life. All those broken promises and that's what I'm going to continue to expect.

 

You're not a fool. To find the positive side in all this, at least you can look back and know that you gave it another shot. Remember that after the first breakup, during those two months, you were heavily blaming yourself. You went through a lot of introspection and realized areas in which you needed to improve. And you took that with you back into the reconciliation. So you know you did what you could, and you gave things another chance. Now there will be no what-if's looking back. You gave him a chance, and this is what he did with it. That's on him. He messed it up. I throw this word around a lot, but maybe he really is a bit commitment-phobic. Like I said earlier, they will always find some way to mess up a good thing. Perhaps e doesn't feel good enough for you, so he found some way to sabotage. It sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with emotions very well. You have a spat, so he runs looking for attention and an ego boost from some other girl. That's selfish and immature, and stupid! because now he's lost something great. He may keep himself in denial about that for a while, but he'll realize it eventually. For now, he's being avoidant and selfish and immature and lazy. Again, that's all on him and says a lot about who he is, not anything about who you are.

[lostlove76]

I don't remember if we talked about this during the last breakup, but you might want to read about avoidant attachment style and see if it fits him. I did a ton of reading about it with mine, and about commitment-phobia, and it really helped me have a better understanding about why this guy who claimed to love me so much would do these things. There are books, and you can google and find a ton of articles as well. It helped me understand that it wasn't me; this is just how he is and what he does. You may flip flop in the coming weeks between knowing that it was him, and feeling like you're unloveable or not enough. I still flip flop, and I have to remind myself that this is who HE is, and there was nothing I can do to change that. I really tried to make it work. And you really tried. And still they looked around at other women. It's such a hurtful betrayal, and it's a really hard thing to make sense of. But reading up on those two topics I just mentioned may help you a little bit.

[Ksol9]

Feeling very empty and sad. I've had enough time to think and reflect. I've scored the Internet trying to make sense of this. I've come to terms. I will never get closer to closure than where I am right now. I got to this point on my own. Any closer to closure will only come from him giving me honest answers and that is not going to happen. He can't make amends without admitting his wrongdoing, he is apparently incapable of doing that. This is the mark of a coward. I understand and I accept where things are at the moment. I am doing my best in healing. I am strong, but I am hurting.

 

There is a lot of power in the decisions I've made. My confidence and self esteem are back in my hands...almost instaneously upon leaving. I don't feel any anger today. I'm not angry with him. I'm trying to understand and I'm just taking things day by day. I don't have a desire to fix anything or any kind of anxiety in that regard. I am at peace with my decisions...no regret whatsoever. In time I will be able to make decisions about my future. As far as him and I, we are over and this time it seems it is for good. There are no more lies, no more hiding...he knows I need real honesty and he is incapable. He doesn't have what it takes and that is ok. I'm not upset with him. I accept him for who he is. In that acceptance, it doesn't mean he has to be in my life. I am seeing things very clearly right now and maybe I wouldn't have otherwise. Maybe if he was still trying to talk, I wouldn't be able to come to terms with everything on my own, so I am thankful I've had all these days to myself in silence. I am moving on with my life without him. This is really happening.

[Wiseman2]

You made the right decision

There is a lot of power in the decisions I've made. My confidence and self esteem are back in my hands...almost instaneously upon leaving.

[Ksol9]

I'm having such a hard time today. Feeling really empty and disappointed. I came home from work. Showered and left my phone upstairs on the charger. I went downstairs to watch tv. I can back upstairs about an hour later. I saw I had 5 missed calls and 3 text messages. The 5 calls were family and business related. The 3 text messages were from him. When I opened them, it wasn't actually him. It was his daughter. She was asking if I could text her dad with the password for her laptop. The laptop has a parental control where they aren't allowed to go on certain sites not suitable for children. She would need an admin password to have access to any site that is restricted. I didn't respond.

 

I'm not ready to deal with them right now and that includes the children. I guess I feel this way because nothing was said after what happened. I keep thinking about the emails he sent that woman while he was out of town. They had to have slept together. That is the reason why he contacted her in the first place. For her to come see him at the hotel. He has lied to me so many times and made me feel like I was crazy for questioning him.

 

This is a process. Alot of ups and downs. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. All this strength I have, the self-esteem and confidence I've taken back..yet I still want to curl up and cry like a child. My life feels like a total mess.

[lostlove76]

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful It's going to feel like this for a while. I was as low as I could get for maybe the first month or so after mine ended for the final time, and I thought I would never be okay again. But I'm doing a lot better today and recently. So please know that it WILL get better, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. You're just going to have to ride through the intense pain, feel all the confusing feelings, have all the conflicting thoughts. You'll feel low pretty much all the time at first, and then you'll start to feel better for a day or two here and there. And then the number of decent days will increase, and the number of horrible days will decrease. You went through it all during the last breakup, but I know that this time is different because of the evidence of other women. I've been dealing with it for the past two months, and if I could get through it, I promise you that you can. You're at the height of the pain right now, and I sympathize. I know it feels just awful.

 

How old is the daughter who texted you? I wouldn't have replied either. It's his problem to fix, not yours.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove76,

 

His daughter is 13. I'm sure they realized I'm not going to respond by now. They won't bother me again. He hasn't said anything to me because he simply doesn't care. Look how long it took him to contact me after we broke up the first time? 2 whole months exactly and this time is so different. Truthfully, I think he believes there is no saving this relationship. He realizes we have been on thin ice for a long time and rather than try to make things work and hear the earful I will probably give him all the time, he doesn't see it as salvageable. He's not willing to go through all the things that will be required to rebuild trust. I would require counseling, transparency, allot of communication. He knows it would take a lot of work. I think he knows he's not up for that and so he just walked away.

 

I know everyone has to tell me to forget and move forward. It's not exactly that easy. I know I made the right decision, but I left with my brain in tow, but my heart is still there. Those feelings didn't go away. It takes time I guess.

 

They didn't text me again and now they know I won't respond, so they most likely won't bother me anymore unless it's super important. I've had a rough day, feeling very depressed. I'm going to try to go to sleep early. I just wish I could sleep through this entire part of the process. Wish I could wake up and have forgotten all about him.

[lostlove76]

I understand exactly how you feel. Hugs.

 

If people tell you to forget and move forward, you just have to tune it out. It's really not possible to just turn off the feelings and quit caring. It's going to take a long while. I myself am doing better, but still feeling stuck two months later. It just takes time to reach the point of no longer caring.

 

I agree with what you're saying about why he walked away. He also may not know that you would be willing to try; he may figure that you're done for good. Give it time and see what happens. Men don't know how to process these things; it takes them a lot longer.

[Wiseman2]

Yes you are as evidenced by not responding to those texts.

The 3 text messages were from him. When I opened them, it wasn't actually him. It was his daughter. I didn't respond.

 

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

[Ksol9]

I understand exactly how you feel. Hugs.

 

If people tell you to forget and move forward, you just have to tune it out. It's really not possible to just turn off the feelings and quit caring. It's going to take a long while. I myself am doing better, but still feeling stuck two months later. It just takes time to reach the point of no longer caring.

 

I agree with what you're saying about why he walked away. He also may not know that you would be willing to try; he may figure that you're done for good. Give it time and see what happens. Men don't know how to process these things; it takes them a lot longer.

 

Hi lostlove76,

 

I just wanted to say thank you for being so kind to me. I know you are going through your own battles but you've taken the time to understand me and offer me comfort.

 

I've been really depressed since yesterday. Anytime I wake up, I think about those emails he sent her. There really was no way around that.

I also took Into consideration what you said about looking at his Facebook. It's over now. There is no reason why I need to go look at his page other than to torture myself. I looked again and saw he posted a video of us and the children when we went to the Everglades on an airboat ride. All those memories...down the drain. He's treating me like we had nothing really significant. Granted I'm doing the same, but still I didn't create this storm. It's over now I know, but it hurts...bad. All of our pictures are up still and I couldn't help but think everyone thinks we have this perfect life. His family and friends tell him all the time how blessed he is to have this beautiful family. Little do they know we are not this perfect family he portrays. He'll take everything down when he's ready I guess. Probably as you say, men process things differently than women.

 

By my emails, I was very clear in saying that I was done for good. I had to say that. I put myself in his shoes and I think I'd be afraid of the rejection but I'd still show remorse and I'd still have explain my sorry reasons...then out of respect, id leave him alone.

 

Ahh, what am I doing. No sense going back over and over. I'm making this worse for myself. Let it burn.

[Ksol9]

I don't want to get out of bed. I'm thinking about the couple of other times he went to out of town for work. He was probably sleeping with other women then too. I don't want to go to work.

[lostlove76]

You're welcome, ksol. I know all too well how hard it is. Everything you're saying are the exact same things I've said and thought myself. When they aren't calling to apologize or try to make amends or just to say they miss us, it really does feel like they don't care at all. But I try to remind myself that we're being silent on our side, too. When mine ended, he kept calling for a while and I ignored his calls. We had an on/off pattern, though, so mine was more likely to put ego aside than yours will be, because he probably figured I would answer eventually like I always did. And I did, finally, but just yelled at him. He called again a couple weeks later and I ignored, and haven't heard from him since. Like you're feeling, I feel like what we had meant nothing at all to him or else he would call. But your guy and mine know how mad and upset and hurt we are, and they probably don't even know how to face it. They probably both figure we never want to hear from them again, because that's the impression we gave and we haven't reached out to them either. It would be nice if your guy would man up and do the right thing, but he sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with emotions very well. So he's avoiding. I think the fact that he posted that video, though, shows that he's thinking of you.

 

Hang in there, it's going to be rough for a while. I'm here to read it whenever you feel like venting. I wrote constantly on my own thread in the early days, and it helped me process things and just get it all out.

[Ksol9]

I don't know what to say. I don't know why but I have this weird feeling inside. Just an unsettling feeling about the whole thing. Maybe it's normal to feel this way because nothinh makes sense and I don't have complete answers. I keep thinking about the emails and other times he could have lied to me. I keep thinking about how terrible my life would be if I would have stayed and I don't even know why I keep thinking about all these things when it's over and done with. Deep down inside, I know he can't find words to say to me.

 

At this point, I don't even know what to do with myself. I can feel myself shutting out family and friends slowly. I've been taking sleep aids just to sleep through the evenings and nights because id rather sleep through the days. I still don't regret my decision and I'll probably never, but I do wish things were different. I'm really disappointed and I feel so betrayed.

[Ksol9]

The name of my thread says it all. I still feel this way today. In hindsight, I can see why we didn't work out after our breakup. I did a tremendous amount of work on myself. I'm in counseling, I read a ton, I'm constantly trying to educate myself and become a better person. He didn't do any work whatsoever. He used the time apart as a breather. He tried his best to work on communication, but ultimately we didn't address any major problems we were having.

 

Now here we are. Another breakup and this time it may be permanent. I haven't heard a word from him I confronted him. I think of him constantly and I've been trying to figure out what the underlying issues are for why he was contacting other women. The answer to that I will never really find. Especially since we haven't spoken. I wish I could have an open conversation with him. The anger is gone. I was so angry when I found the emails. I told him over and over that he should have left me alone after we split. He should have never contacted. I was moving on with my life. I told him it was a mistake. I said all of those things in anger. Truthfully, I wanted nothing but to get to the root of our problems. Now that doesn't look like a possibility.

 

I'm truly in agony now that we are apart again. I don't regret leaving, but as each day passes I miss him more and more. I miss the children. I won't allow my emotions to excuse his behavior. I'm going to remain strong. If we are meant to be and if he wants to salvage our relationship, he will know what he has to do.

It is his turn now to deal with his demons....to change and to grow. It is my hope that he is thinking long and hard about his actions.

 

But then again, he could be sitting at home, playing video games, drinking beer, doing everything he normally does..not thinking about a thing that has to do with me because he is angry and believes this is my fault because I am constantly doubting, accusing, and invading his privacy.

 

The children start school tomorrow. They are starting a new school and I'm completely saddened that I'm not going to be there for them. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I thought about sending a text or calling his son to wish them good luck on their first day, but I quickly caught myself. I'm doing them no good by coming in and out of their life. I'm not doing myself any good. I made a decision to move on and I have to stick to it. He has not once reached out to me and that is an indication that he doesn't care. I have to move on with my life.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol, I was wondering how you've been doing. The silence on their end (same thing I've been bothered by) is what hurts the most, because it really does make it feel like they must not care at all. But I'm sure he cares. Even if he's sitting around drinking beer and playing video games, those are just avoidant behaviors because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings.

 

You say: "I think of him constantly and I've been trying to figure out what the underlying issues are for why he was contacting other women." What if it wasn't about any issues in your relationship or between the two of you at all? It may be that he is just this type of person, and you never knew it until recently. Some guys can't seem to stay away from other women. They do it for attention and an ego-boost, or to avoid fully committing to the relationship they're in. I've read a ton about commitment-phobia, because my ex was one big time. I don't know if yours is or not. But there is something referred to as "distancing techniques" in which the partner will do certain things to sabotage a good relationship, because they feel uncomfortable deep inside with the closeness and/or commitment. Cheating or flirting with other women is a common one. I get the sense that it has more to do with something within himself than anything between the two of you.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove76,

 

Thanks for responding. I've been hanging in there.

 

I agree that him not having anything to say is a way for him to avoid. I will say though, No matter how long he sits and thinks about this or pushes it out of his head. He can drink, smoke, play videos games, to escape...he still has to go to sleep and will wake up with what he has done. This is not going anywhere anytime soon. So the both of us will attempt to forget about this for the next few weeks. I'm no longer angry with him. this is the way it has to be. I can't hold on to that anger anymore, maybe it will arise again in the future I don't know. What is important to me is that I heal. That I don't take this with me any longer than it has to be with me.

 

I'm not sure he is a commitment phone. He doesn't really fit the criteria but I'm sure it's open to discussion. He was around all the time and was a family man. When I wasn't around he was constantly asking me to come home. Even if I walked out of the room he'd scream, "baabbee, what are you doing??" He just seemed to be searching for flings with no strings attached. Moreso when we're in conflict. It's like he has abandonment issues. I would say things like I would leave him. Maybe that's just how he has always been even before me. Maybe that's why he is alone and has had 2 failed long term relationships prior to me. Both women cheated on him. I am the third failure and I chose to leave rather than to cheat. I'm smart enough to know history repeats itself. There is definitely something ingrained in him that he is doing for him to be all alone at this point in his life. (No family, no friends). Regardless, I'm not any closer to knowing what his real problem is because I haven't spoken to him and I may never have a conversation with him. I have to come to terms with that.

 

If history repeats itself, he is taking a time out and may contact me after a month or two just as he did before, BUT this time, the same problem he ran away from is the same problem waiting for him. I think he knows that and that is why it is easier for him to stay away. My family and friends have told me over and over they see this as a cycle and it won't stop unless I decide it's time to stop. They say he will take a break until he feels I have cooled off and will come back to try to make amends. I don't see him coming back around this time. Maybe I'm not seeing what everyone else sees.

 

The children are starting school tomorrow. I'm feeling a lot of guilt knowing that I have let them down again and imagine I am not biological mom. If I'm feeling this way, I can imagine how she feels. It's such a sad situation. So many conversations I had about always being there for them have been going through my head.

 

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous update, but I contacted the other woman he emailed that night. She confirmed they didn't sleep together and sent me screen shots of text messages. She did confirm that he is the one contacting her every few months when we have problems. He will then ask her to stop calling because he is working things out with me. What a jerk!

 

All I can do is be patient with myself.