Somewhere in between indifference, confusion, and sadness

[lostlove76]

One more quick comparison for you. After mine moved away back in October, I told him that either we needed to plan on me moving there or I needed to move on. He said might as well move on (just about killed me. But he was in a new place, starting a new life). 6 weeks of silence passed, during with he casually dated someone down there. Then he called me and I answered. We said we loved and missed each other, and it started the 5 months of long-distance. But he asked me why I didn't call, and said he thought maybe I found someone better.

 

So while it appears that someone doesn't care at all when there is silence, that is often not the case. I keep telling you this because I know how you're feeling, like you're just not important to him at all since he's not trying to make amends. I don't believe my guy is thinking of me anymore because he has the married woman, but it always helped me a bit in the past to consider that maybe he was missing me too. It lessened the sting just a little bit. And I feel sure that your guy is missing you, he does care, and he's not as indifferent to all of this as it seems.

 

Hang in there, I know how much you're hurting

[Ksol9]

One more quick comparison for you. After mine moved away back in October, I told him that either we needed to plan on me moving there or I needed to move on. He said might as well move on (just about killed me. But he was in a new place, starting a new life). 6 weeks of silence passed, during with he casually dated someone down there. Then he called me and I answered. We said we loved and missed each other, and it started the 5 months of long-distance. But he asked me why I didn't call, and said he thought maybe I found someone better.

 

So while it appears that someone doesn't care at all when there is silence, that is often not the case. I keep telling you this because I know how you're feeling, like you're just not important to him at all since he's not trying to make amends. I don't believe my guy is thinking of me anymore because he has the married woman, but it always helped me a bit in the past to consider that maybe he was missing me too. It lessened the sting just a little bit. And I feel sure that your guy is missing you, he does care, and he's not as indifferent to all of this as it seems.

 

Hang in there, I know how much you're hurting

 

 

Thank you lostlove76. I'm trying my hardest to be strong. Based on your experience with a history of off and ons,do you think a relationship with this kind of history is bound to fail?

 

In my situation, when we first met, he wanted to get serious almost immediately. I was scared. There were plenty of times I took off on him, abandoned him. I would take days away to just think things through. I'd go to my parents house and then when I was ready to talk I went back to him. I really gave him a hard time and at that time, I knew he was completely faithful. Somewhere along the way, he had enough and by the end of last year, he began to contact this woman and whoever knows who else. We broke up in February and got back together in April and here we are today. When I went back, I promised that I would not abandon him or run whenever things got too overwhelming for me. I changed and I really worked hard on communication. Little did I know he was playing with fire. Who knows what his reasons are. I don't think I will ever know.

 

All I know is that this was inevitable. He was looking for other women and I unconditionally stayed. He took this for granted. My biggest mistake was letting him get away with the first few red flags that popped up. Now that I stood up for myself, he knows I am not messing around and that I'm strong enough to walk away. I'm surprised at how strong I am as well. Even the few times he has contacted me I was able to play it cool. I think you are correct..he is most likely be afraid of what my reaction will be. He left me alone for a couple weeks because he knew I was angry. He started poking around asking things about the children and my response was emotionless but civil. He was extremely nice in his most recent text message, but he is still avoiding what he has done.

 

The major thing for me is change. If he wants to salvage this relationship, he has to change..we both do. The trust is gone. I may be talking way ahead of myself. I thought about this much of last night. I don't really know what is going on in his head. I'm sure he assumes I am angry. He came poking around to see if I was still mad, but that doesn't mean he wants to talk or reconcile. Maybe he wants to see if I'll let him slide. He's got to be afraid of what will happen if he brings up the topic, but it has to be spoken about. Just as your guy contacted you after some time saying that he missed you and gave you a list of things that would change in order for you to move forward with him, this has to happen with me as well. I don't see that happening with mine.

 

He has always been a my way or no way type of person. I honestly think he just wanted me to deal with it and stay. I'm not going to let him get over on me ever again. I can't trust him at all especially right now because we haven't spoken and I'm thinking the worst. I literally think he has been lying and deceiving me for a long time. I know even after talking to him, i may never know the whole truth. I really sat and thought last night...for me to actually even consider going back, he would have to come to me with a whole new attitude and I seriously doubt that will ever happen. He is an extremely defensive person, hates to communicate, and is full of pride. Chances of him contacting me again are very slim.

 

I've been so angry today. I keep thinking about all the times he must have lied to me. I'm replaying all the arguments and how he would scream at me saying that I'll never have a good relationship because I'm insecure and keep doubting him. I was right all along. I should have trusted myself long ago. Never doubt yourself! I really hope and pray he is using this time alone wisely. I hope he is sitting and thinking of all the things he needs to change in his life. I hope it is a rude awakening that will bring change. I know that's a lot to ask, but I can hope and pray. I never heard back from him after the text I sent. He is probably dumbfounded by my response. I'm the typical pursuer and would have normally jumped at his attempt to talk. I did see him drive by my job today. I was sitting in the car powdering my face. I saw his truck drive by and he was looking at me. So strange how we are just avoiding eachother like we are strangers.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I'm about to eat dinner, so this one will be short, but I'll reply some more later. To answer your question about whether on/off relationships are bound to fail... I guess mine was bound to, and did. There were just way too many issues that couldn't be overcome - distance, his issues, my issues, differences in values and goals, and our history. Over time, he got better in some ways, but not in others. He still pulled the distancing act, still wouldn't fully commit, was still prone to cheating. Myself, I got worse over time in the way I treated him, because the hurt and betrayal built up, I was frustrated and angry and resentful, and I didn't trust him. I read everything I could get my hands on, sought advice from everyone I spoke to, and did everything I knew to do to make things work... but I still ended up resorting to minor game-playing (not answering the phone to teach him a lesson not to distance, pretending to care less than I did at times) and venting my anger and frustration at him. If he had changed enough to show that he was truly committed and considerate of my feelings, I think I could have let all that go. But he didn't, and my hurt accumulated, and it just couldn't last under those circumstances. The most we could manage was spurts of really good times, followed by off periods lasting anywhere from a day to a couple months. He has major intimacy and commitment issues, and he's fundamentally selfish. I have my own issues as well, but I truly believe that it was mostly his issues that kept things from ever progressing or getting better. He said all the right things about loving me and wanting a future, but he couldn't follow through, he always threw up roadblocks.

 

So what you can take from that, I guess, is that it probably depends on each partner's willingness and ability to change. You made changes. You're very self-aware and have done the work. I'm sure you aren't perfect, and that's okay - you were putting in the effort, and that's what is important. He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have changed much if at all. I think things could work with you two if and only if: 1) he takes full responsibility for what he's done, 2) he WANTS to change, and 3) he KNOWS HOW to change. I think if any of those elements are missing, you might get stuck in the same cycle I was in with mine. Over time your resentment may grow, and you will trust him less and less every time something happens. I have confidence that you are emotionally intelligent enough to do your part, but as I see things right now, I don't see that in him. But our hope would be that this current loss will knock some sense into him. I think you're doing the exact right thing in standing your ground and showing that you're not going to put up with cheating in any way shape or form, and that you have the strength to walk away. If he comes back, he has to be prepared to REALLY change some things so that this doesn't happen again. He needs to explore why he reaches out to women during fights, and he needs to accept that it is wrong and unacceptable. And he needs to be apologetic! What he did hurt you, and it can't be swept under the rug. If he's afraid of confrontation, he needs to get over it. I read somewhere that someone will only commit when the fear of losing you is greater than the fear of commitment, or something like that. You could tweak that statement to fit your situation by saying that he may only reach out when his fear of losing you for good overrides his fear of confrontation (and all that comes after, like apologizing and doing the work to change, etc).

 

Those are my thoughts, let me know what you think. I'll check back in in a little while.

[lostlove76]

I meant to add....

Call me optimistic, but I think that if during each "off" period, both partners use it to really reflect and become committed to doing what it takes to make it work rather than risk losing the relationship for good, it can bring you back together stronger and eventually breaks won't happen. But that's only if both do the work. And I think it has to come from a place of each individual really wanting to make things work, rather than doing just enough to get back together and then reverting to old habits.

 

Sorry my posts are so long! It helps me, too, to think through all these things, and I enjoy the discussion. I hope it helps you in some way. I found on my own thread that sometimes just talking and exchanging ideas helps you process things, and it helps to pass the time while you're feeling completely miserable.

[Ksol9]

Hi lostlove76,

 

Hope you enjoyed your dinner. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my posts. I appreciate your insight more than you'll ever know. Your perspective is helping me in many ways.

 

The distancing and back and forth to me is just a power struggle. It's almost as if we try to control the other partner in to moving forward. For me it was definitely that. A lot of the times that I took off it was because there was something I was unhappy about and I wanted to make a point because communicating was ineffective. Wow, now that I'm typing it I see how unhealthy our communication was. Luckily it got better over time as we learned more about eachother. I think break ups are necessary in situations like mine where cheating is involved or in your case lack of commitment. A break up can definitely be a way to push the relationship to the next level or even serve as an eye opener. For me, when he broke up with me, I thought I lost him for good. I began to work on myself and analyzed all the things I did wrong in the relationship. I learned so much about myself and I made a lot of changes when I went back into the relationship. Still it wasn't enough and I can say the communication was still a problem. He hadn't done any work. We improved communication a little bit, but the work did not continue and things got out of hand. That is why we are where we are today. There was trouble in the relationship and instead of working on it with me, he decided to go to other women. Dealbreaker.

 

What you said about each partners willingness, his ability to take responsibility, and change is what it comes down to. You are absolutely correct, if all those elements are not present, then we can not go anywhere. As it is right now, we are not even at a starting point. i felt as though he was going to open communication when he sent the text yesterday, but that didn't happen and I guess he may have just really needed the passwords and that is all. I guess I will continue to cross my fingers and hope that he is doing some deep thinking while we are apart. i have a lot of faith in him. I know what he did was really terrible and I normally would not forgive for something like that, but I truly believe there are some underlying reasons why he did it and if he can work on it then I think we this can definitely make us stronger. That is my hope. This deceitful person that he is displaying himself to be is not the person I know. I want the honest and righteous man I once knew.

 

I peeked at his Facebook again. He posted a photo of the children walking into school with their band instruments. I'm assuming he is taking them to band practice. This is at their new school. I feel completely crushed that I am not there. I feel like I'm missing out. At the same time, we need this time apart.

The worst thing im thinking is that he told himself that he tried to contact me twice...although not in reference to what happened, so he feels that because I didn't initiate conversation, he shouldn't try again. I really do hope he has been thinking about our relationship. Maybe he isn't interested in reconciliation at all. Who knows. I don't even know why I'm holding on to that. I need to focus on myself and moving on.

[lostlove76]

"The distancing and back and forth to me is just a power struggle. It's almost as if we try to control the other partner in to moving forward. For me it was definitely that. A lot of the times that I took off it was because there was something I was unhappy about and I wanted to make a point because communicating was ineffective"

 

"i felt as though he was going to open communication when he sent the text yesterday, but that didn't happen and I guess he may have just really needed the passwords and that is all.

 

"This deceitful person that he is displaying himself to be is not the person I know. I want the honest and righteous man I once knew."

 

"The worst thing im thinking is that he told himself that he tried to contact me twice...although not in reference to what happened, so he feels that because I didn't initiate conversation, he shouldn't try again." Or maybe he'll just realize that he has to try harder. His measly attempts at contact didn't get him anywhere, so he has to step it up. The only reason mine hasn't tried again for so long is because he has someone else. If she wasn't there, I feel sure he would try. So at least your guy doesn't have someone else. There is a void you left behind, and it will be filled with thoughts of you. It won't be easy for him to just let it go and move on. Especially since it wasn't his decision to break up this time. It was probably all a bit of a shock for him, because he didn't know you would be finding those emails. Nothing can ever be said for sure, but I think he will contact you in time.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting about the kids. I've never been in that situation, but I can imagine the pain.

[Ksol9]

Lostlove76, maybe I'm fooling myself with all of this false hope. Like you said, all I can do is take everything at face value. Maybe he was just trying to find out passwords and bus stop times. Maybe he doesn't feel he did anything wrong and contacting me about it is not a big deal. Maybe he is seeing someone else and that is why I have not heard from him in 2 weeks. The only contact was about the children. I have gotten no other indication that he misses me or wants to salvage our relationship. In fact, he let me go and has not done a thing to stop me. I think I am reading into those text messages a little too much. Just because he made contact means nothing. Im hoping for too much when in reality, all he was simply asking for was information. If he met anyone, it is in the beginning stages and she wouldn't be going to the house or meeting the children. There would be no sign of it on Facebook because he knows I am looking at his Facebook. It's too soon for him to say I have truly moved on and maybe that is why he contacted. Just to see my reaction...if I moved on or not.

 

When I went back to him in April, he told me he was posting things on purpose because he knew I was viewing his Facebook and then deactivating. I confirmed to him that I was because I missed him so much that I would often sign back in to see what he was up to. He would post songs and quotes, even photos. This time around, crickets in his Facebook. He rarely posts anything. He wouldn't add any new friends because he knows I'm viewing. Seems childish I know, but if he was seeing someone new, I wouldn't know anything of it. If I can easily assume he doesn't care, I can assume he could have met someone and that is why there has been silence on his end.

 

When we split in February, he did not meet anyone nor did he sleep with anyone, that may not be true, but he did say he talked to a few female friends on Facebook. I saw some of these messages. There was nothing to be concerned about. Im side he was trying to entertain himself. Now that I left him, he's free to do what he wants and he can easily assume he messed so bad that he should just move on with his life. Nothing to see on Facebook...my pics are still there, haven't heard anything about our relationship. He could very well be seeing someone new or is pursuing someone new.

 

I don't know..I'm just feeling really horrible right now. I was reading our posts about Facebook and how your guy is seeing someone and that's when it dawned on me....mine could be seeing someone new too. I don't even know why I'm concerned. He's the one who cheated. There's nothing left to save.

[lostlove76]

My guy is a huge charmer, though. He knows how to work his magic. I've always felt like he could get any girl he wanted, at any time. Also, he can't be alone for two seconds, so he jumps from relationship to relationship (or fling, or exes, or whatever works). He apparently has pretty low standards given that he's now with a trashy, obnoxious, crazy, uneducated, married woman. He will take whoever is available and catches his eye. It's all very easy for him. You said your guy isn't a charmer like that, so I wouldn't torture yourself with beliefs that he's already with someone. Sure it could be a possibility, but you have no evidence that he is. Your mind is just filling in the blanks to worst case scenario. I do it too, believe me. That's why we need people on the outside to give us perspective.

 

That's very interesting that he admitted to knowing you were checking his page last time, and posting accordingly. Good information for you to have! I wouldn't take it to mean anything necessarily that he's not doing that this time. In the past, I would post things just on the off chance that mine was looking, but somewhere along the way I decided that silence was a better tactic. Let him wonder what I'm up to. Maybe that's what yours is doing. You eventually run out of energy and desire to do that stuff if you don't think it's going to help anything.

 

I understand about false hopes. I think you're fighting yourself between hoping and acceptance that it's over. That's perfectly normal. We want to believe, but we also want to protect ourselves. I'm sure you'll go back and forth on it many times a day for a while.

 

You said you saw him drive past your work - is that his normal route?

 

I hope you get some sleep. I'll check back in tomorrow. Hugs

[Ksol9]

My guy is a huge charmer, though. He knows how to work his magic. I've always felt like he could get any girl he wanted, at any time. Also, he can't be alone for two seconds, so he jumps from relationship to relationship (or fling, or exes, or whatever works). He apparently has pretty low standards given that he's now with a trashy, obnoxious, crazy, uneducated, married woman. He will take whoever is available and catches his eye. It's all very easy for him. You said your guy isn't a charmer like that, so I wouldn't torture yourself with beliefs that he's already with someone. Sure it could be a possibility, but you have no evidence that he is. Your mind is just filling in the blanks to worst case scenario. I do it too, believe me. That's why we need people on the outside to give us perspective.

 

That's very interesting that he admitted to knowing you were checking his page last time, and posting accordingly. Good information for you to have! I wouldn't take it to mean anything necessarily that he's not doing that this time. In the past, I would post things just on the off chance that mine was looking, but somewhere along the way I decided that silence was a better tactic. Let him wonder what I'm up to. Maybe that's what yours is doing. You eventually run out of energy and desire to do that stuff if you don't think it's going to help anything.

 

I understand about false hopes. I think you're fighting yourself between hoping and acceptance that it's over. That's perfectly normal. We want to believe, but we also want to protect ourselves. I'm sure you'll go back and forth on it many times a day for a while.

 

You said you saw him drive past your work - is that his normal route?

 

I hope you get some sleep. I'll check back in tomorrow. Hugs

 

 

No, my workplace is not his normal route, but who knows...he may have been doing something down that way. I agree that my mind is just wandering around. I'm thinking too much and it's wandering to worst case scenarios. I felt I was losing my mind last night. Then I caught myself. Why in the world am I worrying so much about him and what he is doing? I left him and for very good reason. He was cheating and that means he is not worth my time. I shouldn't even want anything to do with him. I still love him and care for him very much, but I need to let him go. let him go find whatever it is that he was searching while he was with me so he can be happy. He wasn't happy when he was with me. Now I need to focus on myself and on moving forward. I left him with no intention of going back because I felt he would not change and it was in my best interest to move on. He has not shown me otherwise up to this very day, so I should not question my decision.

 

As for Facebook, since we spoke about it when we got back together, he knows I am able to look. I think that is the reason why he doesn't post much. He posted a video of us and then some photos of family and children. I don't expect to get anything for looking at it. I'm probably just driving myself more insane.

 

He has contacted me twice and although that is out of character for him, it is like you said, this was unexpected. He didn't expect for me to find those emails and he never expected for me to leave him. I am going to take those text messages for what they were...requests for information. My responses were emotionless and straightforward. He can take what he wants from that, but one thing he can't take from it is that I'm so angry that I won't talk to him. He knows now that he is able to talk to me and I will respond. He has not once said anything about what happened. As a result, I'm going to take that for what it is. Knowing him, he still believes he did nothing wrong and doesn't feel he should have to explain anything to me. That is why I don't believe I will hear from him. I should be ok with that.

 

For now, I'll love and miss him and the children from afar. I have to try to move on with my life. Talking about it helps tremendously so I thank you for that.

[Ksol9]

Now I know something isn't right. I was standing outside of my workplace speaking with someone. I happened to see him drive by again. He was looking at me. We caught eye contact. I quickly looked away.

 

He messed up and this isn't a game. He can dance around the issues all he wants. I'm still standing and I'm still walking away. I need to be strong. If he doesn't get with the program, that's ok. some people are not capable of change because they aren't ready. I have to believe this is all happening for a reason. there is nothing I can do to rush this process. There is nothing I can do to make him change. He has to do it on his own and in his own time.

 

I need to get out of town this weekend. I need to clear my mind and I need sleep. I can't function like this much longer.

[lostlove76]

I know how you feel about not being able to function like this If you can get out of town, do it. Sometimes a change of scenery does wonders. It lifts the depression a bit. Sleep is also sooooo important. If you're like me, you just can't think straight when you're not getting proper sleep, and you're more prone to depression and anxiety. It's hard, though. I have to either be exhausted or take benedryl to get a good night sleep, and sometimes even that doesn't work. I fall asleep with thoughts of him in my head, and wake up with the same. It feels horrible. I think you said you had dreamed of yours. If there's anything you can do to help yourself sleep better, do it. Naps, whatever it takes.

 

So it sounds like he's doing drivebys for sure, since you've seen him twice. Definitely means he's thinking of you and wondering what you're up to. I would take that as a good sign. But as you said, he's going to have to go at his own pace and come forward when he's ready. I'm like you, I would want it to come from him, be his idea, let him put in the effort since he's the one who messed up. I would think he would learn his lesson (not as punishment, but for future change) if things aren't made easy for him. That said, if you reach a point of feeling like you really must talk to him, I think it's possible that he would be receptive to it. You can deal with that time if it comes, though. You've been really strong and held your ground thus far; you're doing good.

 

I'm trying to think back if I felt as lovingly towards mine as you do towards yours when he would mess up. I think I was a lot angrier than you are. I felt so hurt and betrayed, and anger is a form of self-protection I suppose. I never wished him well... I didn't wish him harm, of course, but I wanted him to feel what he had done to the fullest. I was hurting, and I wanted him to be hurting too, because to me that meant he cared. I know you go back and forth and do get angry, but I'm sure it feels more peaceful not to feel angry all the time. Some anger is healthy, though, after what he did.

[Ksol9]

I've rented a car and will be going out of town tomorrow for one day. I'll be back Sunday. I need some fresh air in different city. I haven't been sleeping well and that is taking a toll on me. Even in my sleep I am dreaming of him, sometimes having nightmares. It's terrible. Same thing happened last time. It's so odd that once I got back into contact with him, the dreams stopped.

 

 

As you said, you would think he would learn his lesson since things aren't being made easy for him, but I can't be sure of that. There is so much doubt in my mind that he's even thinking of me. I know I cross his mind, but it can't be like how I am thinking of him. I can't get him out of my head even if I tried. He did tell me during our split he thought of me every single day and missed me every day for 2 months until he decided he couldn't do it any longer. It's so strange to me that he did something so terrible, it caused me to leave him and he has completely avoided even speaking to me about it. He sent me a text twice acting like nothing happened. Has not said a word since. If that doesn't scream he doesn't give a da** I don't know what does. I highly doubt I'll be hearing from him. I can't stand this...break up, getting back together, not talking for weeks, even months. This is really bad and I wonder if it's all worth it.

 

You've given me some great advice in your previous responses. I went back and read through them. Great perspective that I think I'll hold on to. I honestly don't know where I've been able to find the strength, but I've been strong enough not to let my guard down in reaching out to him. He has to reach out to me. This is so important for one reason, I have to know that this experience has ignited something in him to change. I've been struggling with this everyday, even through my anger, I want to call or text him...something, anything. Luckily I haven't...I know it won't do me any good.

 

You mentioned that you were a lot more angrier towards your guy in times you were off. I am angry, but I am willing to be forgiving but I am not willing to sacrifice myself, my self worth, self esteem, and self confidence to be with him. I will give all my time, energy, and love to someone who deserves it.

 

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I feel empty and lost. Nothing makes sense. I can't even believe I ended up here again, in this dark lonely place. I still can't believe he was cheating.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I was waiting til I was on my laptop so I could quote some things to reply, but I'll just go ahead without it. I'm glad you're getting out of town tomorrow, and I hope you can enjoy it... or that it at least clears your mind a little. I think when we overthink things, it clouds our judgmentment and ability to see things objectively. I'm an overthinker too, as I'm sure you can tell. And I've noticed that when I think something to death, I end up getting very confused. I'll think I've come up with some clear answer, but then I do some more thinking and come up with a completely different answer. So I think that your getting out of town will give you a little distance and perspective. Are you going alone? I wish I had the confidence to go somewhere alone. I could use a trip myself.

 

It makes total sense that your dreams stopped when you started talking to him again. I think your subconscious was trying to figure things out while in a dream state, or at least come to terms with things. You're bothered by it while awake, so it's leaking into your dreams as well. I know it's horrible. I think I've had a dream or two myself, of mine with someone else, though it's been awhile. My problem is that the thoughts keep churning through my head when I'm trying to fall asleep or just waking up, when I'm halfway between sleeping and awake. I'm totally aware that my mind is trying to work things out, and all I want to do is fall asleep or sleep some more. And it's all highly negative thoughts, of course.

 

If he's not thinking about this as much as you are (and he could be, we just don't know), then maybe it's just not in his nature to. Men compartmentalize things; we multitask. So he may be playing his video games and completely zoning out as a way to cope and distract, whereas women have the ability and tendency to think about more than one thing at a time. I don't think men are overthinkers quite to the extent that women are, either. And they avoid their emotions. I know this is all generalizing between the sexes, but I think there is a lot of truth in it - I've read about these things in my thousands of hours researching answers to relationship problems lol. A bit embarrassing, but I didn't know what else to do, because I couldn't understand certain things. So while it appears he doesn't give an eff, it's probably more just avoidance techniques on his part. I know exactly how you feel though. I always felt as though mine didn't care either, and I know what a horrible feeling that is.

 

I fully agree that it would be better if he reached out to you rather than vice versa, for so many reasons - the main one being that you'll know he actually cared enough to, rather than having doubts if he just responded to something you initiate. And I've read that men value that which they have to work for. So let him do the work.

 

I love your second to last paragraph, and I so admire your strength and self-worth. I know it's not easy, but good for you.

 

You're making perfect sense. Just keep working through the thoughts as much as you need. I'll be around for the rest of the night - if you want to post some more, I'll read and respond. If I don't hear from you again tonight, I hope you have a nice day tomorrow.

[Ksol9]

Im sitting at home watching dirty dancing. Im sitting here in denial. I can't believe this man was doing these things. He doesn't know what he's done. I keep thinking about when we first met. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I had been single for quite some time. I got out of a bad relationship and I vowed to stay single for a while until I recovered. I found his business card on my car one day. I was hesitant to contact him. I looked him up on Facebook. I didn't add him...just peeking around. A few days passed, he comes to my job. He says I sent you a message on Facebook, you didnt open it. I saw the message but never opened it. A few more days passed and I finally opened the message. I decided to send him a text and we began talking. I met him for drinks and the attraction and connection was instant. He was very respectful. He wanted a serious relationship, I didn't. I think I was just looking for companionship. Someone to hang out with. I was scared, hesitant, and distanced myself. It wasn't long before I knew I was in love with him. There have been more ups than downs but the downs are really deep downs. The way I'm missing him is unexplainable. I miss his presence, his touch, his kiss. I just don't know how he could have done this. We were so passionate with eachother. There was definitely a special connection between us. He would often tell me how blessed he is to have me. He would always say how lucky he felt. For him to say that was a lot in my book because he wasn't this Casanova and he doesn't express himself in words easily.

 

I would like to hear what he has to say for himself if the opportunity arises. At the same time, I don't know if I'm ready to bring back all those raw emotions I had when I found the emails. I have to continue to remind myself to have some self respect. We teach people how to treat us, especially so in relationships. I spoiled him. I made everything so easy for him. I made his life so simple and he took that for granted. I want to know why he would jeopardize what we have when he would emphasize how he would never jeopardize our relationship.

 

I am just like you. I over think. I have thought this through over and over. I know he did some unacceptable things. The email was the deal breaker because it showed me his intention. If he respected me, he would not allow another woman near our relationship nor would he have any interest in other women. How foolish was I to allow him to give me excuses the first time a red flag came up. I subconsciously knew something was going to come out and that is exactly what happened when I found those emails.

 

Is this normal for men to get caught cheating and then take off without saying a word? Is it normal to avoid? I think something is terribly wrong for him not to come forward to say anything to me about what happened. It's almost been 3 weeks. Though I am surprised to have received those 2 messages a few days ago, it's still really strange he hasn't acknowledged what he did. It's almost as if I was nothing to him. Like our relationship wasn't really all that serious.

[Ksol9]

I don't want the weight of this grudge I've been holding against him the past few days. I have all this anger and I know it will become resentment. It's just negativity and I can feel the weight of on my chest. I'm really going to try my best to work on resolving that. It's just that I don't know how.

 

 

Getting on the road soon. I'll be driving 2 hours by myself, but once I'm there I'm meeting up with friends. I rented a hotel room for the night. I wish I didn't have to come back tomorrow. Wish I could just roam around for a month or so. I think I got ahead of myself thinking he was going to try to make amends after those 2 text messages, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I'm kicking and screaming inside, but on the outside I'm doing ok. I pray everyday that we will make it through this, but I trust and have faith that this is apart of some bigger plan..whatever that may be I'm going along with it.

 

 

Lostlove76, hope you're doing well.

[lostlove76]

Hi ksol. I really hope you're having a nice day, and a good trip so far. You deserve to be able to put this to the back of your mind for a little while, even if just for a day. I know you can't forget it entirely, but maybe the change of scenery will distract you a little bit, enough to enjoy yourself.

 

Is this normal for men to get caught cheating and then take off without saying a word? Is it normal to avoid? I think something is terribly wrong for him not to come forward to say anything to me about what happened.

I'm honestly not sure if it's normal or not. It does seem very odd, doesn't it? Normal or not, it's extremely frustrating, confusing, and hurtful, I know. You know him better than I do, of course, but my feeling is that it's just in his nature to avoid. It seems that maybe this is normal for him. He took so long last time to come around, even after thinking about you every day for 2 months. I can't even imagine cheating on someone, but if I did, I think that I would at the very least write a heartfelt text saying I was sorry and explaining why I think I did it. If he would just do something like that, at the very least, it would be so helpful to you while you are hurting. All I can think of is that he wants to avoid confrontation, like I said before, or he thinks you really really don't want to hear from him. Or maybe he thinks that an apology doesn't cut it after what he did, so he's just throwing up his hands in defeat. It's impossible to know what he's thinking, but I don't think it's that he doesn't care. He would have to be pretty heartless, and a really good actor while you two were together, to not even care.

 

How foolish was I to allow him to give me excuses the first time a red flag came up. I subconsciously knew something was going to come out and that is exactly what happened when I found those emails.

What was the very first red flag?

 

I don't want the weight of this grudge I've been holding against him the past few days. I have all this anger and I know it will become resentment. It's just negativity and I can feel the weight of on my chest. I'm really going to try my best to work on resolving that. It's just that I don't know how.

I know what you mean. I wish I knew what to suggest, but I'm still holding onto a lot of anger with mine too, and I don't know how to let it go, either. It really does weigh you down, you are right. I imagine that maybe it's all about the things we tell ourselves, and the things we focus on. If you spend a lot of time focusing on negative thoughts (and it's super hard not to right now, believe me, I know) then they will remain at the forefront of your mind. Focusing on the negative doesn't really allow for full forgiveness. Give yourself time, though. It's very natural to feel angry after what has happened. I guess you've read about the Stages of Grief? I'll paste you something in a comment below that someone shared with me on my thread a while back... she had copied and pasted it from somewhere else, so I don't have the original source, but it could be easily googled for further info if need be.

 

Lostlove76, hope you're doing well.

Thank you! I still have ups and downs, and I just want this to be over soon. I'm feeling better today because of something I saw last night on facebook (ugh - I figure I will just quit when I am ready, instead of forcing myself to stop looking). The married woman he's with wrote some comments to her husband on his page about missing him, and being jealous because she thought he was talking to another woman, and telling him to come see her (like really? pretty sure she's shacking up with my ex right now), told him to call her so she could hear his voice, referred to the fact that he had been texting her for the past four days. I figure this is karma. My ex chose her over me, and this is what he got! Someone who can't remain faithful to anyone at all. I really wish it would make him realize what he lost with he and I, but it feels like he's completely forgotten me by now.

 

I'll be around the rest of the night if you need to write anything, but otherwise, I hope you're just enjoying your trip, and I'll chat with you when you get back. Hang in there!

[lostlove76]

Shared with me by Realitynut on my thread:

 

Stages

When mourning a loss you will go through four stages. You may not pass through each stage in order, and sometimes the phases overlap. The following stages are based on the five stages of death and dying delineated in Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross's famous 1969 book "On Death and Dying".

 

Denial is the first phase. You do not want to face the reality that the person is really gone, that they rejected you, or that they've done something awful to provoke you to break up with them. You are in emotional shock. You may even feel numb.

It's important during the stage of denial to try and cope with reality. If you pretend everything is still the same and pursue someone you just broke up with, you may end up feeling even more hurt and humiliated. This is a good time to turn to your support system for help in facing the truth and reality of the situation.

 

Anger is the second stage. You are facing reality now and feeling enraged for being betrayed and abandoning you. Unresolved anger at others who have hurt you in the past may remerge now.

It's important to work through your anger without contacting your ex. Don't use your anger as an excuse to confront your ex, tell them off, or even worse become violent. Acting out your anger with your ex won't help the situation. In fact it might make it worse. Most people don't respond well to aggressive confrontation, so you probably won't get the response that you're looking for. You may feel better momentarily but their response to your anger could result in your feeling more hurt, abandoned, or angry. Instead share your feelings of anger with members of your support system. You can also work through your anger by working out, sports, writing, or other creative activities.

 

The third stage is depression and despair. This is the most difficult stage the excitement and drama of the breakup is over and you're left with the emptiness of the loss. Any past abandonment you may have struggled with, which you might have also experienced in the anger stage could come up for you now, which could contribute, to you feelings of sadness and depression. This can be a painful time for you but it is necessary for you to go through this stage in order to move on to a new relationship. If you stay in denial you will remain haunted by your past. However if you're feeling so depressed that you are having difficulties functioning (you stop working, eating, sleeping) you might be clinically depressed and it may be necessary for you to consult a medical doctor or psychiatrist.

Again, it is important that you don't call, email or text the person you are detaching from during this stage. This is a difficult and vulnerable time for you and you cannot take the risk of their acting distant or rejecting because it could cause you to feel even more abandoned leading to further depression and despair. Although this stage may feel overwhelming remember that time heals all wounds and your feelings of sadness and despair will come to an end.

 

Acceptance is the final stage. You begin to pull your life back together again. You're not so preoccupied with your ex anymore. You start thinking about new people and you want to start dating. This can be a tricky time though because you may want to call your ex just to show that you're over them. But don't give in and contact them because you may not get the response you want and then you'll feel let down and disappointed. Or worse your old feelings for them may resurface and then you're in a setback and you'll have to start mourning all over again! Use this time to disconnect. You must use this mourning and grieving time to emotionally distance and disconnect. If you call your ex to express and share your feelings, and they don't appreciate what you are going through, reject or emotionally dismiss you, you will feel a hundred times worse. This will contaminate the healing process and the hard work you have done to mourn and let go of them.

[Ksol9]

Hi ksol. I really hope you're having a nice day, and a good trip so far. You deserve to be able to put this to the back of your mind for a little while, even if just for a day. I know you can't forget it entirely, but maybe the change of scenery will distract you a little bit, enough to enjoy yourself.

 

I'm honestly not sure if it's normal or not. It does seem very odd, doesn't it? Normal or not, it's extremely frustrating, confusing, and hurtful, I know. You know him better than I do, of course, but my feeling is that it's just in his nature to avoid. It seems that maybe this is normal for him. He took so long last time to come around, even after thinking about you every day for 2 months. I can't even imagine cheating on someone, but if I did, I think that I would at the very least write a heartfelt text saying I was sorry and explaining why I think I did it. If he would just do something like that, at the very least, it would be so helpful to you while you are hurting. All I can think of is that he wants to avoid confrontation, like I said before, or he thinks you really really don't want to hear from him. Or maybe he thinks that an apology doesn't cut it after what he did, so he's just throwing up his hands in defeat. It's impossible to know what he's thinking, but I don't think it's that he doesn't care. He would have to be pretty heartless, and a really good actor while you two were together, to not even care.

 

 

What was the very first red flag?

 

 

I know what you mean. I wish I knew what to suggest, but I'm still holding onto a lot of anger with mine too, and I don't know how to let it go, either. It really does weigh you down, you are right. I imagine that maybe it's all about the things we tell ourselves, and the things we focus on. If you spend a lot of time focusing on negative thoughts (and it's super hard not to right now, believe me, I know) then they will remain at the forefront of your mind. Focusing on the negative doesn't really allow for full forgiveness. Give yourself time, though. It's very natural to feel angry after what has happened. I guess you've read about the Stages of Grief? I'll paste you something in a comment below that someone shared with me on my thread a while back... she had copied and pasted it from somewhere else, so I don't have the original source, but it could be easily googled for further info if need be.

 

 

Thank you! I still have ups and downs, and I just want this to be over soon. I'm feeling better today because of something I saw last night on facebook (ugh - I figure I will just quit when I am ready, instead of forcing myself to stop looking). The married woman he's with wrote some comments to her husband on his page about missing him, and being jealous because she thought he was talking to another woman, and telling him to come see her (like really? pretty sure she's shacking up with my ex right now), told him to call her so she could hear his voice, referred to the fact that he had been texting her for the past four days. I figure this is karma. My ex chose her over me, and this is what he got! Someone who can't remain faithful to anyone at all. I really wish it would make him realize what he lost with he and I, but it feels like he's completely forgotten me by now.

 

I'll be around the rest of the night if you need to write anything, but otherwise, I hope you're just enjoying your trip, and I'll chat with you when you get back. Hang in there!

 

 

 

Back home now. I had a wonderful time. Getting out of town was much needed. I needed the change of scenery and I needed to be in a different atmosphere. I went out last night for drinks and although I was thinking of him the entire time, I kept thinking how life is so short. I shouldnt spend it worrying or with someone who takes me for granted. I should spend more nights like I did last night. Having a good time and keeping positivity all around me.

 

Coming back home though was a different story. As I got off the exit, it was a bit depressing. lol I don't know what it is that I keep wanting to go back to that life I had with him. we had a lot of great times, but for me it was draining the life out of me. Along with the great times, came a lot of insecurity. Did he really love me? Is he talking to someone else? Why would I want to go back to that?

 

What you said about avoiding confrontation being normal for him makes sense. This is how he handles any kind of conflict. He will eventually address the matter when he is ready and sometimes he doesn't at all. So this is typical of him to stand back from fire. I shouldn't be surprised. The only thing that concerns me is that he has lost his relationship from his poor decisions and he just let it go without even raising his hands. He hasn't said a word to me since I left about saving our relationship. He could careless because of he did, he'd do something about. Is he expecting me to fix his mistakes too?

 

The first time I saw a red flag was when we just got back together. I looked through his Facebook messages and found a couple women asking him out for drinks and the other sending him a half naked photo of herself. The one asking for drinks, he replied saying he had to work and the other with the half naked photo, he sent a thumbs up. I was shocked. When I confronted him, he tried to minimize. I didn't appreciate him taking advances from other women. In the past he would directly say he was in a relationship and close the door. I felt he didn't handle either one with respect for me or our relationship. I let it slide. Then a couple months go by and I found some searches in his Facebook search bar of other women. He said they were old friends but I don't believe that at all. To methis signified he was interested in other women. I let that one slide. We had numerous arguments about it. He kept trying to make me feel like I was crazy...gas lighting me. I began to doubt myself. Then the emails fell right in front me. I tied everything together. I felt like I was right about him all along. I instantly got my self esteem and self confidence back because I realized he was the one doing wrong and was making me doubt myself the entire time. What does he have to say for himself?? Nothing, because he knows he was dead wrong. Now I am left to wonder and come up with all kinds on conclusions on my own. I'm under the impression he was doing this for a long time, even sleeping around with other women. I don't care if he was just texting or talking on the phone. It's still wrong and it's still deceitful. He hasn't said a word to me because he knows I caught him in his lies. I don't know if he realizes there is nothing he could say or what, but I know he certainly looks like someone who is very guilty and afraid to come forward.

 

I do have some anger toward him. Some days have been worse than others. I don't understand him because he hasn't given me any explanations. I'm angry at him for lying. I also feel if he were to say anything to me about what happened, if he were to continue to try to minimize and make me feel as though I'm crazy..I will become even more angry with him. Even the couple text messages I received from him...I did my best to keep my emotions under control. I'm sure he was surprised by my reaction.

 

In all honesty, I don't see anything good coming out of this. I don't like to be negative, but I don't see him putting in any effort to change. I'm so skeptical of him. I am so sure if he ever did try to talk to me he would continue to deny and lie, this would only make things worse. I find it hard to believe he would even try to contact me again. It's just a lost cause for me at this point. Deep down inside I hope that I would have the chance to talk to him to find out what really was going on. I hope deep down that he would realize where he went wrong and would try to save our relationship, but at this point it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

 

I've been going back and forth in my emotions trying to make sense out of this. It feels like ages since all of this happened even though it's been a little over 2 weeks.

[lostlove76]

Back home now. I had a wonderful time. Getting out of town was much needed. I needed the change of scenery and I needed to be in a different atmosphere. I went out last night for drinks and although I was thinking of him the entire time, I kept thinking how life is so short. I shouldnt spend it worrying or with someone who takes me for granted. I should spend more nights like I did last night. Having a good time and keeping positivity all around me.

Hey ksol. I'm glad you to hear that you had a good time! I know the temporary relief was much needed. Maybe you can do it again soon.

 

we had a lot of great times, but for me it was draining the life out of me. Along with the great times, came a lot of insecurity. Did he really love me? Is he talking to someone else? Why would I want to go back to that?

I know exactly what you mean. I had the same insecurities with mine, all the time, and it was killing me. Relationships should feel safe and secure, not cause tons of doubt and worries. Having to always wonder if they're talking to someone else is mental torture.

 

I don't care if he was just texting or talking on the phone. It's still wrong and it's still deceitful.

I completely agree!! He shouldn't have been leading anyone to believe that he's single or available in any way. Even if it was "just" texting or emailing or talking on the phone, you could never feel secure because you wouldn't truly know how far it had gone or would go. And it just sets up a situation into which more could develop with another woman, whether on impulse or over time. Playing with fire. Totally wrong of him to put himself out there like that and communicate with these women.

 

In all honesty, I don't see anything good coming out of this. I don't like to be negative, but I don't see him putting in any effort to change. I'm so skeptical of him. I am so sure if he ever did try to talk to me he would continue to deny and lie, this would only make things worse. I find it hard to believe he would even try to contact me again. It's just a lost cause for me at this point. Deep down inside I hope that I would have the chance to talk to him to find out what really was going on. I hope deep down that he would realize where he went wrong and would try to save our relationship, but at this point it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

I hate to say it, because I believe there is always hope, but it's probably best to prepare yourself for the worst. I truly thought mine would try again, and he hasn't. I held onto false hope for quite a while, and I think I'm finally feeling myself giving up ever hearing from him again. It just takes time to sort through it all - you'll continue to go back and forth for a while to come. And that's okay; it's normal. Frustrating, but normal. You just have to let yourself ride through the process.

 

He just seems extremely passive to me, and I'm not sure that's a good quality for a life-long partner. So maybe you've dodged a bullet here. He handles conflict by talking to other women and/or going completely silent. Pretty childish, honestly. I'm actually mad at him on your behalf! He just doesn't sound appealing to me at all, but of course I am on the outside and don't know him. It's different when you love the person, obviously. If this is fundamentally who he is, and he cannot or will not change, then you're better off without him. He lost out on way more than you did in this situation. I read a comment by an ena'er recently that said something like (not a direct quote): You lost someone who chose not to remain faithful. He lost someone who was loyal and honest. So whose loss was greater?

[Ksol9]

I love you how you put that..."You lost someone who chose not to remain faithful. He lost someone who was loyal and honest. So whose loss was greater?" Because it is so very true.

 

I think that is the reason i have been strong this far.

 

I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. I'm not angry anymore, just sad. Im missing him a lot today. I just want to talk to him. He is a very passive person and I am to a certain extent. In this situation, I have every right to take off and not say anything to him. I knew the day I sent him the email with the snapshots attached, I knew I would not hear from him again. He doesn't feel he did anything wrong...that's his story and he's sticking to it. Reconciliation is not even in the horizon.

 

It was nice to get away to clear my head, but no matter what...he is still on my mind. Why haven't I been able to walk away and forget about him? I slept quite a bit last night. I woke up once from a dream. I dreamt I was pregnant. We were living in a home. It's been 3 weeks since this whole thing happened. How could he have nothing to say?

 

All this pain that I'm feeling...I know there is nothing I can do about it. I have to let him go. I still look at his Facebook. He posted a picture of himself last night. He hasn't had a haircut since 2 weeks before I left. His beard is out of control. I don't know what I am expecting to see. It's not doing me any good by looking. I've got to stop.

 

As you said, it's best to prepare for the worst. I'm surprised I even got those text messages and that's all I know I will get. I know he will not be a stand up man and do the right thing. He is not a man of integrity. I will expect what he has always shown me. It's funny how you said he doesn't sound appealing. Lol it's funny because when I first met him, a few friends said the same thing. His serious face and nonchalant attitude didn't look good on him and other people noticed. I went against everything that screamed trouble...divorce, children, profession that required travel)...so typical of me. I'm so hard headed.

 

No one knows what is going to happen. We are still living within the same break up make up cycle. Maybe this time, he has realized there is no way to save things. He knows the woman that I am and he knows I would never put up with cheating. The first time I had hard proof I was out of there. I have come to terms with what I am dealing with. There is nothing more I can do. The other side to this is his decision. If he is not ready for the commitment, if he is not going to do the right thing, then it is better this way. I know he doesn't think I'm willing to forgive. Ive read all over the forum...if a man really wants to be with a woman, nothing will be able to keep him away. He will find a way. I know this is true because my story is proof of that. We broke up and when he made up his mind that he wanted to continue the relationship, he found a way to make things right. He put his pride aside and contacted me. Ego is one hell of a drug. This time around, it's not that easy for either of us.

 

My hands are tied. There is nothing I can do. I am in the same situation I was in when we broke up in February. I have to take care of me. If he can change, if WE can get on the right track will depend on him. I can't rush this process. I just have to let things fall into place on it own and I have to let it take its course. I'm doing everything I can to learn, to heal, to be ok so that in my next relationship, with or without him, I'm going to be a better person.

[Ksol9]

Having a difficult time. I can't sleep. I don't know where all the anger and strength I had went because I'm feeling very helpless right now. As the days go by, I'm just feeling so discouraged. I can't believe this is even happening. I know I am doing exactly what he is doing...i'm avoiding, I'm silent, being completely passive aggressive, but I have every right to be. I have every right to walk away and not say a word. He on the other hand...he is just showing me he is guilty and a coward.

[lostlove76]

Hey ksol. I'm sorry I haven't been around much the past couple days. I have a lot on my mind and feeling pretty low myself. It comes and goes even 2 1/2 months out. I hope that both of us one day feel at peace and don't feel all the pain. Just wanted to check in and say hi and that I'm thinking of you. Hugs.

[Ksol9]

Hey ksol. I'm sorry I haven't been around much the past couple days. I have a lot on my mind and feeling pretty low myself. It comes and goes even 2 1/2 months out. I hope that both of us one day feel at peace and don't feel all the pain. Just wanted to check in and say hi and that I'm thinking of you. Hugs.

 

Hi lostlove, I'm sorry that you haven't been handling things well lately. I've also been having a very difficult time. I've been seeing him drive past my job almost everyday and I guess this has been making me feel very anxious. I keep holding my breath thinking he's going to text me and it hasn't happened. I think I'm beginning to realize that I probably won't hear from him again. I remember when we last split up, it was exactly two months and I was still in agony up until the day he contacted me. It didn't get better. The sadness came in waves, so I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling. I know what that suffering feels like all too well.

 

I have been scoring the Internet, reading books, working on myself and every last thing I've read says to keep your distance, let them reach out for you, and allow them time to work on themselves. I don't know what is going on in my Guy's head, but I wrack my brain daily trying to figure out how he could remain silent after getting in trouble?? Why would he allow me to carry this anger and pain? Why wouldn't he at least try to see where he stands? I know I told him I didn't want to hear anything he had to say and I also said I didn't want anything to do with him, but I still feel if he were a decent person, he would still try after some cooling off to have a mature adult conversation with me about everything that happened. Sometimes I try to put myself in his shoes and I wonder if he is hoping I will reach out to him. I just can't..I need to know that he is remorseful for my pain and that he is genuinely trying to change. He is a man full of pride and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will probably never get anything close to that from him. Those text messages about his children's passwords are as close as I'll ever get to communication.

 

I ran into one of his co workers at the bank yesterday and he said they've been swamped with work and that my guy has been working long hours. He didn't seem to have any idea that we had split up and I didn't tell him either. He said..I hope you're ok with him not being home early anymore because work is going to be super busy for a while. I laughed and said that it was great things were picking up. He has left his Facebook as is..he hasn't taken down any of my photos. I know those are not signs of anything, but I just don't know what to think. I truly hope that now that he is working longer hours and the added responsibility with the house and children that he is thinking deeply about what he wants. If he wants to change and live an honest life with me, he knows where to find me.

 

Are there days where you feel like contacting him? If so, what stops you? Mine sent me a text message last Wednesday acting as if I didn't catch him cheating on me 3 weeks ago. Im hoping that was not the last time he attempts to contact me because I am really suffering. I'm not strong enough just to walk away. I want to talk to him about everything that happened. I'm hoping we can move forward from this. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to even know the truth. I don't know if there was any sexual intercourse involved and maybe if I knew that, I wouldn't be yearning to hear from him. I'm ready to talk. The children's bus stop is very near my parent's home..where I am staying now. I am very close to approaching him there to talk. I'm tired of these silent games we play with eachother. We are both alone and hurting. I can feel it.

 

I don't know what to suggest to help you feel better because I know there really isn't anything that helps. You just have to go through the motions and when you do feel better try to get up and do things that will brighten your day..even if it's something simple. Hang in there.

[lostlove76]

Are there days where you feel like contacting him? If so, what stops you?

 

I know the silence is maddening. I feel like you're in a much better position than I am as far as being able to have hope. Mine is with someone else. I'm quite sure that he's forgotten I ever existed. I saw a fb post he had liked last night that said something about falling in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. So I guess he's in love with her, even though on Friday she was commenting to her husband about missing him and telling him to come see her. It makes me angry that he gave up the connection that we had and fell in love with this horrible woman. So no, there is never a time when I feel like contacting him. A lot of things stop me - stubbornness, certainty he would ignore it, hurt and anger for all he did, not being willing to chase after someone who treated me so horribly and then dropped me like trash, knowing he's with someone else. There's not a chance a hell I would take a risk and be vulnerable enough to contact him. I seriously don't think I'll ever hear from him again, either, but if I did, it would be a tossup as to whether I would ignore him or tell him what I think of him. It's all so very hurtful.

 

I know you're feeling most of the same things I'm feeling, but I feel there's at least still hope for you since he's not with someone else. Him driving by your job, and leaving your pics on facebook, also seem to be signs that he's thinking of you. And not having told his coworker that you two split up. I feel there's still a chance. He very well could be waiting for you to initiate the conversation. I don't want you to have false hope... but at the same time, do try to have a little faith that things could still work out. I wish time could just speed up for both of us, skip forward a month or two, so that we would know where things stand for sure. The waiting game is horrible, isn't it?

[Ksol9]

I know the silence is maddening. I feel like you're in a much better position than I am as far as being able to have hope. Mine is with someone else. I'm quite sure that he's forgotten I ever existed. I saw a fb post he had liked last night that said something about falling in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. So I guess he's in love with her, even though on Friday she was commenting to her husband about missing him and telling him to come see her. It makes me angry that he gave up the connection that we had and fell in love with this horrible woman. So no, there is never a time when I feel like contacting him. A lot of things stop me - stubbornness, certainty he would ignore it, hurt and anger for all he did, not being willing to chase after someone who treated me so horribly and then dropped me like trash, knowing he's with someone else. There's not a chance a hell I would take a risk and be vulnerable enough to contact him. I seriously don't think I'll ever hear from him again, either, but if I did, it would be a tossup as to whether I would ignore him or tell him what I think of him. It's all so very hurtful.

 

I know you're feeling most of the same things I'm feeling, but I feel there's at least still hope for you since he's not with someone else. Him driving by your job, and leaving your pics on facebook, also seem to be signs that he's thinking of you. And not having told his coworker that you two split up. I feel there's still a chance. He very well could be waiting for you to initiate the conversation. I don't want you to have false hope... but at the same time, do try to have a little faith that things could still work out. I wish time could just speed up for both of us, skip forward a month or two, so that we would know where things stand for sure. The waiting game is horrible, isn't it?

 

Yes, the waiting is torture for sure. The uncertainty is very scary. I really don't know where I will be in the next few months. When I look back at the time we seperated, I think I should have known I was going to hear from him again. He began posting songs and photos that only him and I would know about. He posted a picture of flowers that he sent me when we first met. Throughout the 2 months that we seperated, he would give me clues that I was still on his mind and most of them were through Facebook. Now he is rarely on Facebook. He goes on maybe once or twice a day. He seems to be working a lot and then when he goes to pick up the kids he has to take care of the house and children. He probably doesn't have time to even think of me. I heard from him a week ago, but it can easily be explained because the shock of the split and then school started shortly after. I can imagine it was a lot to adjust to in such a short space of time. This time around, I don't any sure signs that he is thinking of me. Im trying to be realistic and I really don't know what is going on with my guy. I've been trying to come up with all these conclusions from what I am seeing, which isn't much. I don't expect to hear from him again.

 

I sort of admire your attitude about your guy. You are very aware of how you should feel. It is so difficult when your brain and your heart are not in-sync. Your heart is still in love with him, but you know you could never reach out to him because he is with someone else. I am struggling with that. I know what mine did was totally unacceptable. No matter how you look at it, he was wrong. I still do not regret leaving. I keep reminding myself...you teach others how to treat you. What happens from here on is beyond my control.

 

The night I found the emails, I laid there awake all night playing out every scenario. I thought about what would happen when I left him, would I see him again? Would the break up be permanent? I knew deep in my heart I would be in for a very long separation if not indefinite. I cried all night. Even when I sent the email with the screen shots, I knew that would be the end of communication. I knew I would not her from him again after that. I just have to let this thing take its course. I have to leave it alone and remind myself that I've done all I could.

 

I have the same advice for you. I don't think he doesn't think of you at all. I'm sure you cross his mind, but right now, just like me, you just have to let everything take its course. Is this the first time that you guys have split for this amount of time and is this the first time he has been in another relationship when you both split?

 

I was talking to a good friend of mine and she said to me..it's not like you were in some casual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You two were in a serious relationship. You were living there, caring for his children like they were your own, and you assumed the role of a full time parent and wife. She went on to say...Imagine you get caught cheating, guilty or not guilty, do you feel ok letting that person pack up and leave and you not try to reach out to them for weeks? Wouldn't you be worried about his emotional state, how he is coping, and who is consoling him? Wouldn't you want to be front right and center there for him for as long as he will allow you? That's when it hit me, he doesn't care about me at all. If the situation was reversed, I could not allow days muchless weeks go by without saying something to him. Anger is a normal response, that wouldn't make me turn around and walk away. I don't care how humiliated I feel for what I did. I would be extremely apologetic. Too much time has passed. I don't think he is going to say anything to me at this point. I just want to curl up somewhere and just cry.

 

This is such a difficult time in my life. When we split earlier this year, I swore I would never go through this again. Here I am again and I am in a much worse situation. I don't see us reconciling after what happened. Couples who experience infidelity have some sort of communication. We have none so that's not a good sign.