Ksol9 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Share Posted September 5, 2016 Hey ksol. I just wanted to tell you that they have now deleted each other as friends. So they added each other this morning and deleted each other tonight. This makes me feel a tiny bit better, of course. So maybe it's not all paradise between them, after all. Just wanted to share I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight I am definitely experiencing the highs and lows of checking up on him through social media. Mine has an Instagram but hasn't been on in years. I guess he stopped using it before we met and never used it while we were together. I have Instagram and follow him as his profile is also public. I went on today and saw that he posted 2 new photos. My heart sank! I just really don't think he is thinking of me at all lostlove. I think he is trolling social media looking for entertainment. I feel terrible right now. I'm not going to be able to sleep. Link to comment
Nebraskagirl14 Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Awww, honey. You are making a lot of assumptions!!!!!! Social media ALWAYS gives the illusion that people are AWESOME!!! He is probably just trying to tackle being human like you are... Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 I am definitely experiencing the highs and lows of checking up on him through social media. Mine has an Instagram but hasn't been on in years. I guess he stopped using it before we met and never used it while we were together. I have Instagram and follow him as his profile is also public. I went on today and saw that he posted 2 new photos. My heart sank! I just really don't think he is thinking of me at all lostlove. I think he is trolling social media looking for entertainment. I feel terrible right now. I'm not going to be able to sleep. Hi ksol. I'll write more later, but just got caught up reading and wanted to reply to this one. What were the pictures of? When is the last time you posted something? It's possible that he's trying to get your attention. Trying to make you think life is happy. People do this. I've even seen it recommended on those "get your ex back" sites - they say to post pictures making it look like you're having the time of your life, basically. Some people do it on purpose, and some do it more subconsciously. I haven't done it this time around, but during past off periods with mine, I found myself posting happy comments on mutual friend's posts. Nothing over the top, but just enough to make it seem like I don't care and am fine without him. I also noticed him doing the same thing many many times - when we weren't talking for a few days, he would suddenly start leaving lots of comments on people's posts. I was never sure, but it definitely felt like he was trying to get me to notice. Or maybe he was just bored and lonely. He would usually call pretty soon after doing that. While we can't know for sure why yours is posting, I would say there is a probability that he's doing it because he knows you'll see. He admitted to doing it last time! Try not to let it upset you. I know it's hard though. I experience that same sinking sensation every time the married woman posts pictures of herself having the time of her life in his town. He doesn't do that, thank goodness. He doesn't have IG, and his Facebook wall is private. I'm actually really glad that it is. Seeing her stuff is bad enough (and yet I keep looking, wanting to know what's going on). Hang in there! I really don't see it as a bad sign that he posted, and I really don't think it means that he's not thinking of you. I agree with what soulsister said about it in her post! Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Share Posted September 5, 2016 My IG was deactivated and he never knew I followed him because he hasnt used IG for a very long time, so he doesn't even know I am viewing his IG. For all he knows, I don't have IG. I highly doubt he is using IG now in hopes that I will see. As a matter of fact, I'm almost certain of it. I strongly believe he's bored and is just trolling social media outlets. He has never used IG since I've known him.didnt even have the app on his phone. I can almost bet that because he can't use Facebook freely (because he knows I'm looking), he decided to get on IG. I unfollowed because I don't want him to see I'm following him. On IG you can only deactivate once a week so, this is going to sound crazy, but I made a new IG (different name, no photos, just bare) and followed him just to see his activity. His profile is public. When I looked at the history, the photos he posted were the same 2 he posted on Facebook. One selfie of himself at the barbershop and another of himself with his son at the pool. This was on Saturday and I believe that's the last time he was on because there is no other history since that day. That same day he liked 2 photos. One of a singer and one of some basketball shoes. He started following a few friends which I recognize from Facebook. Since Saturday, there has been no new likes or new follows. I saw this as a bad thing. Remember, he can't really go out and meet people or socialize because of the children, he really does all his socializing online. I've never found evidence of dating sites, but I know if he was to meet a woman or reconnect with a woman he knows on IG or FB, he would definitely chat online. I've seen evidence of that from old dated messages in his Facebook prior to meeting me. I have never seen any outright inappropriate messages to any other women while he was with me. My mind is going in very bad places. I literally cried before falling asleep. So pathetic, it's social media! We aren't together and I'm sure he's bored out of his mind. If someone wants to do the right thing, they will do it. He does not care about me at all. I am seeing this as he doesn't have any intention of attempting to reconnect with me at all. I'm still really upset and it's crazy how one little thing online can throw me off like this. Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 5, 2016 Author Share Posted September 5, 2016 Feeling really low today. The Instagram sent me spinning in a whole different direction. I had no idea seeing that would make me feel this way. I hope I can make sense of what I'm feeling. Sometimes writing helps me put things into perspective. I woke up this morning with these thoughts dancing around in my head.... I spent so much time have arguments with him about his committment to me and our relationship. Isn't that just ridiculous? All the little things I find myself worrying over are just distractions. Facebook, Instagram...distractions. What's the real truth? The truth is he was not ready to be in a faithful, committed relationship. I don't even think it was me. He could find someone better than me and still would have this same problem. If you're not ready to settle and share your life with one person, no relationship will work. It appears to me that he has no direction. His ambitions in life are different than mine. He should be focusing on his future. He had a failed marriage and got custody of his children almost 2 years ago. You would think he was ready to settle down with someone, raise his children, and just be happy. This isn't what he wants. When we got back together, Facebook was a major anxiety for me because of the messages I found. I could care less about other women and what they are after, if you have a good boyfriend or husband, he will put those women in their place...he will handle himself with respect. My guy showed me he not only did not respect our relationship, but he doesn't respect me. He lied in my face. To me, that is a choice he made a long time ago. His interest lies in women on Facebook or from wherever. Most of the women I have seen him linked to are married with children. Not one of them were a woman of class or dignity. If he would risk what he has with me for trash...what does that tell you?? What am I doing with my life?? I'm so broken and torn over someone who isn't worth a thing? His ex wife left him...literally moved every last thing out of the home while he was at work..he came home to an empty home. She divorced him and he tried to act like the victim. She's a lesbian, she betrayed me for many years, she cheated. I can just imagine the years of hell he put her through. He had me fooled and I know my mind is thinking the very worst, but something doesn't add up with this man. He's always at home. It's not like he's this flashy guy that runs around town with other women. He's a very quiet and reserved person. He plays video games and watches podcasts on YouTube for hours on end. When I say he's at home all the time, he really is. I don't know where he would actually find the time to cheat. He just wasn't serious about being in this relationship and no amount of time apart will change that. Some people aren't meant to be together. I'm not some silly teenage...I don't have time to be worrying about a grown man playing around with other women on Facebook. If he knows he did something so terrible for me to pack my things and leave, and for him to never call or try to save the relationship..I think that should speak for itself. He is probably far more guilty than what I actually found out about and he is too cowardly to try to make things right. Why would he if he never valued the relationship. I can't believe how I sit here day after day trying to hang on to this man. I need to let go. How do I let go? I'm a pretty educated woman, but this is just plain stupid to want to continue taking risks with this man. He isn't going to change. He will live the rest of his life just as he is right now....no commitments, casual relationship, video games, alone. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Hi ksol. I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time. I completely understand all of these things you're feeling, and I understand why seeing the IG pics felt like such a huge letdown. I've felt the same way so many times myself. So I guess, then, he didn't post to get your attention since he doesn't know you use IG at all. Unless he knows that you would snoop and find it. I don't know if men realize the depths of our internet stalking - not just us, but pretty much every woman. We know how to find things, and I don't know if men are aware of that. But anyways, let's assume that he had no idea you would be watching, and so he didn't post trying to get to you. Then it's probably just boredom, like you said. That doesn't mean he's not thinking of you or missing you. It might mean he's lonely, which would mean he's feeling the loss. Or it might mean nothing at all. You know how much I miss my guy, and how I think of him 24/7 - yet I spend a lot of time on Facebook, doing any number of random things. It's just to fill the time. I probably come across as pretty neutral in mood on there. Every now and then I'll like some relationship-related post, but usually it's just videos and pictures, and I'll share crafty things and such. My point is that no one would have any clue how heartbroken and depressed I am. It's nothing more than a mindless time-filler, and also a way to feel connected because I'm an introvert, and like your guy, I never go out or socialize much beyond online. So while I know exactly how you feel and why you're so upset, I'm just trying to help you see that it really doesn't mean anything that he posted those pictures. As for his possible commitment issues... I know it's disheartening to think he might not actually want anything serious and committed. It's really hard to understand why someone wouldn't want it, ya know? But at the risk of generalizing genders, I really feel like this is a very common thing among men (unfortunately). Some are very extreme about it and have deep issues, and some just have a bachelor-for-life type of attitude. I feel the latter is just selfishness, pretty much. They don't want the responsibility, they want to be free to do whatever whenever. For the true CP, I've read that they tend to run, or throw up distancing techniques, when things are really good. If you ever want to learn more about it, read Men Who Can't Love. It goes into detail about what they do and why they do it, and what you can expect. It's a great book. I know you don't want to read too much about things like that right now, so just put it on your to-read list in case you need it one day. It helped me, just because I could see the definite patterns and I could see that it wasn't ME who was the problem, and there was nothing I could have done differently or better. So I guess it just helped me not blame myself or feel I was lacking in some big huge way. It's very telling to me that he talks to married women with kids. Mine is exactly the same way. They know that these women can't commit and can't ask anything of them. It's a pretty crappy thing to do something that has the potential to mess up someone's marriage, and makes me angry that people do this. It really suggests a lack of morals, doesn't it? And of course the married women themselves are trashy and awful with no morals either. Just a rotten thing to do, on both sides. But the reason your guy is doing it is because he doesn't have to commit to them or invest in any real way. I guess if there is any positive in this at all, it's that he's not likely to be looking for another relationship, just shallow chatting with unavailable people. It's not that you weren't good enough, or that he's looking for someone better. Not at all. If he happens not to call, then one day after enough time has passed, you will probably look back and be glad you dodged a bullet. I know that's small consolation right now. But it will feel better than thinking you lost some gem of a guy. Right now your heart loves him, and you want him regardless of all the negative things. I get it. I'm the same way, and my guy was faaaaaar worse than yours. I "shouldn't" want him back, but I do. The heart usually overrides the mind. Hang in there ksol! Write as much as you need. This is all a process, and what you're feeling is very normal and just something you have to work through to eventually get to the other side. In the meantime, we just don't know for sure what he's thinking or what he's going to do. I still think he will reach out at some point. Losing you is giving up a lot. Remember that it takes men longer to feel the loss and really start missing you. I'm sure he's missed you all along, but it may take a bit longer for it to really hit him. Then, if he reaches out, it will be your choice whether to try to work on things. Youll go into it with open eyes, and do what feels right from there. Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 Hi ksol. I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time. I completely understand all of these things you're feeling, and I understand why seeing the IG pics felt like such a huge letdown. I've felt the same way so many times myself. So I guess, then, he didn't post to get your attention since he doesn't know you use IG at all. Unless he knows that you would snoop and find it. I don't know if men realize the depths of our internet stalking - not just us, but pretty much every woman. We know how to find things, and I don't know if men are aware of that. But anyways, let's assume that he had no idea you would be watching, and so he didn't post trying to get to you. Then it's probably just boredom, like you said. That doesn't mean he's not thinking of you or missing you. It might mean he's lonely, which would mean he's feeling the loss. Or it might mean nothing at all. You know how much I miss my guy, and how I think of him 24/7 - yet I spend a lot of time on Facebook, doing any number of random things. It's just to fill the time. I probably come across as pretty neutral in mood on there. Every now and then I'll like some relationship-related post, but usually it's just videos and pictures, and I'll share crafty things and such. My point is that no one would have any clue how heartbroken and depressed I am. It's nothing more than a mindless time-filler, and also a way to feel connected because I'm an introvert, and like your guy, I never go out or socialize much beyond online. So while I know exactly how you feel and why you're so upset, I'm just trying to help you see that it really doesn't mean anything that he posted those pictures. As for his possible commitment issues... I know it's disheartening to think he might not actually want anything serious and committed. It's really hard to understand why someone wouldn't want it, ya know? But at the risk of generalizing genders, I really feel like this is a very common thing among men (unfortunately). Some are very extreme about it and have deep issues, and some just have a bachelor-for-life type of attitude. I feel the latter is just selfishness, pretty much. They don't want the responsibility, they want to be free to do whatever whenever. For the true CP, I've read that they tend to run, or throw up distancing techniques, when things are really good. If you ever want to learn more about it, read Men Who Can't Love. It goes into detail about what they do and why they do it, and what you can expect. It's a great book. I know you don't want to read too much about things like that right now, so just put it on your to-read list in case you need it one day. It helped me, just because I could see the definite patterns and I could see that it wasn't ME who was the problem, and there was nothing I could have done differently or better. So I guess it just helped me not blame myself or feel I was lacking in some big huge way. It's very telling to me that he talks to married women with kids. Mine is exactly the same way. They know that these women can't commit and can't ask anything of them. It's a pretty crappy thing to do something that has the potential to mess up someone's marriage, and makes me angry that people do this. It really suggests a lack of morals, doesn't it? And of course the married women themselves are trashy and awful with no morals either. Just a rotten thing to do, on both sides. But the reason your guy is doing it is because he doesn't have to commit to them or invest in any real way. I guess if there is any positive in this at all, it's that he's not likely to be looking for another relationship, just shallow chatting with unavailable people. It's not that you weren't good enough, or that he's looking for someone better. Not at all. If he happens not to call, then one day after enough time has passed, you will probably look back and be glad you dodged a bullet. I know that's small consolation right now. But it will feel better than thinking you lost some gem of a guy. Right now your heart loves him, and you want him regardless of all the negative things. I get it. I'm the same way, and my guy was faaaaaar worse than yours. I "shouldn't" want him back, but I do. The heart usually overrides the mind. Hang in there ksol! Write as much as you need. This is all a process, and what you're feeling is very normal and just something you have to work through to eventually get to the other side. In the meantime, we just don't know for sure what he's thinking or what he's going to do. I still think he will reach out at some point. Losing you is giving up a lot. Remember that it takes men longer to feel the loss and really start missing you. I'm sure he's missed you all along, but it may take a bit longer for it to really hit him. Then, if he reaches out, it will be your choice whether to try to work on things. Youll go into it with open eyes, and do what feels right from there. Thank you so much your comforting words...especially in a time like this where I'm filled with anxiety. I didn't sleep much last night, but I was able to have a nap so I'm feeling a little better. Lack of sleep just makes the anxiety and depression so much more worse. How are things with you? I hope you are holding up ok. I feel like the Instagram opened up a slew of emotions. Its like I just lost it and after some cooling down and reading your post, I'm seeing how I may have taken it out of proportion. It's going on 5 weeks now and I feel like I'm missing him a lot more now. When we split last time, I missed his instantly upon leaving. It's hard to explain, but everything seems to really be settling in now. I'm missing him more than ever. I feel really frustrated by this whole mess. I need to change the way I think. I think because of the bad experience I've had with him and those facebook messages, I keep thinking this is all he does online and maybe it is, but just as you said, no one truly knows what is going on with him. For all we know, it is just mind-less time fillers. He is just, like me, trying to adapt to life without one another. Between cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, and video games, he is browsing facebook and instagram. I think the more important issue here is that he was doing things that were extremely disrespectful and I'm not going to tolerate that. Either he can get with the program or he can continue to live his life doing all the things he did behind my back. Just as long as he does those things on his time. He isn't going to be chatting with other women on my time anymore. Thank you for the book suggestion about men who cant commit. I can't seem to pinpoint what is the issue with him. I don't even know if he has thought about what really went wrong between us since we haven't spoken. He just seems so damaged to me. Although there has been times where he has opened up to and communicated his feelings, it is very difficult to get him to do so. He is a very quiet and reserved person. He has difficulty expressing his feelings. There is something he fears and there is a reason behind it, I just haven't figured it out yet. Thank you also for helping me see things more objectively. As you explained, it is a sinking feeling. That is exactly how it felt and my mind started racing in the wrong direction again. It's not going to do me any good to assume. At times I feel like I can't see the end of this road. There is nothing I can do to control this situation. I just have to sit here and endure the whole process. This is not the man I know. This sneaky, sly, dishonest man is not the person I know. I know he is not this person inside. I don't even know when he looks in the mirror, if he sees a righteous man anymore because all of his behavior recently is not who he prides himself on at all. I see a very dishonest person who lacks integrity. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 I'm just going to gently suggest that the guy is single. He's not beholden to anyone right now. So if he wants to chat with other women or whatever, he can. Your responsibility isn't to guess his social or sex life. You won't know what he's doing. Heck, he hid it when you were together. It's not like he's going to advertise it now. So, my advice is ignorance is bliss - somewhat. Because one day, snooping you ARE going to find something about some other woman and really go backwards. Remember the present. Not the past. In the present, you are both single. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 Hi ksol. I'm glad that you're feeling a little better and that you got a nap. I'm doing okay, thanks for asking. I'm just feeling kind of agitated about not being able to tell what's going on with them right now, what family went down there, if they're on good terms again after the facebook unfriending. If she doesn't go back home today, then I'm going to have to really scale way back on trying to keep up with it all. I feel like she'll either go home today, or it won't be for a long while. This was kind of the official end of summer, she supposedly had family going down, they unfriended on facebook - if none of these things break them apart, then I just need to give up. It's honestly ridiculous that I'm sitting around waiting for her to go home. It would make me feel so much better if she did, but it still wouldn't change everything he did, and the fact that he has been with her for this long. He still chose her over me, and even if he did call, it would only be to put me in the category of backup - which I refuse to be. Anyways, I imagine that something will pop up in the next couple of days that shows she's still down there, at which point I will really need to find some way to let go and move on. It's going on 5 weeks now and I feel like I'm missing him a lot more now. When we split last time, I missed his instantly upon leaving. It's hard to explain, but everything seems to really be settling in now. I'm missing him more than ever. I feel really frustrated by this whole mess. I think I remember saying something similar on my own thread at around the same period of NC. I think what happened is that it was feeling more final and hope was fading because I hadn't heard from him. Reality was setting in. So I get how you're feeling, and I guess it must be a normal part of the process since I felt it too. And I also recall one of the regular posters on my thread telling me that the second month was the worst for her. My missing of mine has faded a lot by now, so please know that it will get better. I do miss him, but I'm usually able to squash it when those feelings come up. I don't allow myself to think back on the good times much, if at all, because it just hurts. I don't like the feeling of missing him, so I try not to. You'll get stronger with time as well, but the next few weeks might be difficult. I need to change the way I think. I think because of the bad experience I've had with him and those facebook messages, I keep thinking this is all he does online and maybe it is, but just as you said, no one truly knows what is going on with him. For all we know, it is just mind-less time fillers. He is just, like me, trying to adapt to life without one another. Between cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, and video games, he is browsing facebook and instagram. You're thinking up the most negative possible interpretation of everything, and it's making you feel even more awful. I did it too, and I still do it. I don't know why we do this to ourselves, when it doesn't help and in fact hurts us even more. A couple of posters on my thread suggested that since you really can't know what he's thinking, you might as well tell yourself something you can more easily live with instead - and that a more neutral interpretation is probably closer to the truth anyhow. Telling yourself this: "Between cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, and video games, he is browsing facebook and instagram" is more accurate, and will make you feel better, than telling yourself this: "I am seeing this as he doesn't have any intention of attempting to reconnect with me at all." Although there has been times where he has opened up to and communicated his feelings, it is very difficult to get him to do so. He is a very quiet and reserved person. He has difficulty expressing his feelings. There is something he fears and there is a reason behind it, I just haven't figured it out yet. Would you say, then, that he's emotionally unavailable? You see that term all the time online, but it's hard for me to determine whether someone is or isn't, or exactly what that means. It seems like some vague concept to me. But what you just described sounds like what I imagine it to be. We shouldn't need a psychology degree to have a good relationship with these guys, ya know? They have to do some of the work, too. This is what it feels like to me. Like they are so emotionally difficult, that we have to research and analyze and strategize, and it doesn't even end up getting us anywhere. Things shouldn't be this difficult. We have both worked so very hard, put in so much mental and emotional effort, to understand them and figure out how to make a relationship work with them. I'm speaking to myself about this as much as I'm speaking to you. If they put in 25% of what we put in, then maybe we would see some improvement. At times I feel like I can't see the end of this road. There is nothing I can do to control this situation. I just have to sit here and endure the whole process. It's a horrible feeling, I know. You will eventually come out of it, though. I think eventually we just can't take the pain anymore, and get tired of always feeling depressed, and it is then that the mood starts to lift. That's happened to me in the past, anyways. Like I think you said about yourself recently, I too have never experienced this degree of heartbreak lasting for this long after the end of a relationship. This is by far the worst I have ever felt about losing someone. But I can't imagine it will last forever, for me or for you. So keep hanging in there, and just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and have faith that it will eventually start to diminish. Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 If she doesn't go back home today, then I'm going to have to really scale way back on trying to keep up with it all. I feel like she'll either go home today, or it won't be for a long while. This was kind of the official end of summer, she supposedly had family going down, they unfriended on facebook - if none of these things break them apart, then I just need to give up. It's honestly ridiculous that I'm sitting around waiting for her to go home. It would make me feel so much better if she did, but it still wouldn't change everything he did, and the fact that he has been with her for this long. He still chose her over me, and even if he did call, it would only be to put me in the category of backup - which I refuse to be. Anyways, I imagine that something will pop up in the next couple of days that shows she's still down there, at which point I will really need to find some way to let go and move on. Sorry you're feeling frustrated. I have been feeling the same way. If I see something on tv or a song that triggers me, I just start crying. I believe I'm entering a new phase in this whole process and as you said, it may be because I am really seeing that this break up is a permanent one. Maybe I read incorrectly, but how do you know she is supposed to leave at the end of the summer? I don't understand this woman, how is she supporting herself? Does she work? Is thiS a permanent move to the beach or was it intended to be just for summer? I'm guessing because her life is so unstable, everything is going to be pretty unpredictable when it comes to her living arrangements. I'm very curious to see what happens when she finally does leave, I can bet your guy will give you a ring. I don't think it's a matter of him choosing her over you, even though it feels that way. I think he finally realized that you weren't going to tolerate it anymore and because this woman was around, he decided to pursue her. I'm trying to think how I would feel if I was in your position. I think I'd probably have the same attitude about it, but it all depends on what he has to say for himself. If he is genuine and honest about his feelings then maybe you will feel different about trying again with him. He's got to be ready to make changes. I'm not sure, by the way it sounds, if she will be leaving. I guess there's not enough information to decipher. Funny how we use small clues and piece together what is going on. Women are truly investigative by nature. You're thinking up the most negative possible interpretation of everything, and it's making you feel even more awful. I did it too, and I still do it. I don't know why we do this to ourselves, when it doesn't help and in fact hurts us even more. A couple of posters on my thread suggested that since you really can't know what he's thinking, you might as well tell yourself something you can more easily live with instead - and that a more neutral interpretation is probably closer to the truth anyhow. Telling yourself this: "Between cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, and video games, he is browsing facebook and instagram" is more accurate, and will make you feel better, than telling yourself this: "I am seeing this as he doesn't have any intention of attempting to reconnect with me at all." I'm not sure where I heard this, but there is a saying about what you worry about is most likely not as bad as you imagine things to be and that the truth of the matter is somewhere in between. I think this really holds true. I am notorious for thinking the worst for every situation. I think this is how I prepare myself. I saw that he was active on Instagram again and I automatically think he's scouting for women, when in fact he's probably just bored out of his mind. He's alone now. I spend a lot of time on forums, reading, talking on the phone to friends. He is probably just trying to occupy his mind. I still feel contacting me is far from his mind, but who knows what his intentions are. I will never be able to know until he comes forward. I believe I got this "expect the worst" mentality from my parents. They definitely think the worst and in most cases they are somewhat right, it's just not to that degree. There have been so many things that have happened with him and I that ive come to expect the worst. Would you say, then, that he's emotionally unavailable? You see that term all the time online, but it's hard for me to determine whether someone is or isn't, or exactly what that means. It seems like some vague concept to me. But what you just described sounds like what I imagine it to be. Emotionally unavailable...I will never forget this particular argument I had with him. When I first me him, we had a little problem, I can't even remember what it was about. I was upset with him and he gave me the silent treatment. He didn't call me for 3 days. Finally on Monday morning I called him, he asks me where I was and said he was coming to my job to talk to me face to face. (For someone who doesn't like to communicate, he prefers to speak face to face, ironic huh?) well, he comes to my job and I'm so upset with him for allowing the problem to stew, much like what is happening now, I told him that he was emotionally unavailable. He said...do you really think that? It was like I struck a chord. I don't know why, but I've always sensed that he was emotionally unavailable and I don't really know how to define that. I just thought his mind was on something or someone else and he didn't want to open up to me. Still to this day, I feel he is emotionally unavailable. This silence is killing me. I know I wrote him off when I sent him that email and he may very well think I will never want anything to do with him ever again, but he never tried to talk to me or to save this relationship. I don't know if it's insecurity or if he's just over confident. Either way, it's his duty to say something to me if he actually cared and it looks like that isn't going to happen. He knows where to find me and if he really didn't want to lose the relationship, he would have tried to prevent further distance and damage by now. I'm still in denial sometimes. I still can't believe we've come to this. I still can't believe that he did something so damaging and hasn't even had a grown up conversation with me about it. It's cowardly of him and to be honest, I think it shows that he is guilty of far more than what I actually found. His silence shows guilt and that he doesn't really care at all. I feel so disconnected from him and the children. I feel like it's been ages since I've seen them. It feels like it was forever ago that I found those emails..only that the pain is still so fresh. I know that you have told me, my family, and even my therapist feels I will eventually hear from him, but I am still really doubtful. I don't see the pattern that everyone else sees. I see something so catastrophic between us that it's nearly impossible for him to reach out. I can sense your frustration in your words. You want to know what's going on. You're trying to hurry up and wait. You want desperately to get out of this phase you are in. I feel that same. Sometimes I feel like he chose the life he is living over me, like what we had wasn't worth enough to stand up for. I'm sure you share that sentiment about your guy. I know I am no where close to being over this man. Once I reach the point of feeling indifference, then I know I've begun to accept things. I've been meaning to ask since we talk about Facebook quite a lot. Do you think this woman knows about you? I'm wondering if, just as my guy posted all kinds of things to get under my skin during the first split, do you think she could be posting things to portray something that isn't? For example, her family visiting and so forth. I'm guessing it won't be long before she posts something again. Do you think if she is still there, would this be motivation for you to discontinue viewing her Facebook? Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 6, 2016 Share Posted September 6, 2016 Hi ksol. I hope you slept okay last night. I just wanted to pop in to say hi and that I was thinking about you and I read your post. Just wanted to let you know that it will be tonight before I have time to respond, because I have to go work this afternoon/evening, and I'm running behind as always! I will reply to everything when I get home, and feel free to write more today of course, and I'll read and reply to that too. Real quick, married woman posted a new IG pic this morning of her and her daughter at the beach, so I now know that the daughter went down there, at least. No idea what happened beyond that - if the husband went or not (her daughter lives with him, he is her stepdad), and if so, or even if not, how my ex was explained to them or if he stayed out of the way the whole weekend. So many unknowns. I know I shouldn't be keeping track like this, but like I said, if she stayed behind and is still living with my ex then it's just time I give all this up, I think. I'll answer your questions about all of that later. Anything new on your guy's pages? How are you feeling today? Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 Hi ksol. I hope you slept okay last night. I just wanted to pop in to say hi and that I was thinking about you and I read your post. Just wanted to let you know that it will be tonight before I have time to respond, because I have to go work this afternoon/evening, and I'm running behind as always! I will reply to everything when I get home, and feel free to write more today of course, and I'll read and reply to that too. Real quick, married woman posted a new IG pic this morning of her and her daughter at the beach, so I now know that the daughter went down there, at least. No idea what happened beyond that - if the husband went or not (her daughter lives with him, he is her stepdad), and if so, or even if not, how my ex was explained to them or if he stayed out of the way the whole weekend. So many unknowns. I know I shouldn't be keeping track like this, but like I said, if she stayed behind and is still living with my ex then it's just time I give all this up, I think. I'll answer your questions about all of that later. Anything new on your guy's pages? How are you feeling today? Hi lostlove, I am sharing the tone of your post today. It's been ringing in my head all day today that I need to give this up. The photo of her daughter surely signifies that she did have family visiting this weekend. My guess is that either the husband or some other family came along. They just weren't pictured and I'm also guessing your guy wasn't around, but we really don't know unless it is evidenced by photos. I think it's important to try to look at it more objectively. If she is still there, she may be choosing to continue this relationship a bit longer. After they unfriended eachother, I am wondering if they are still together? I feel like her situation is so unstable that she could move at any time. I went on his facebook twice today. He posted a picture of some boxing gloves that said...everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. I'm not sure what that means and it could mean anything, but for some reason the photo appealed to him and that is why he posted it. I've been burying my pain for over a month now. I've been feeling a different kind of pain the past couple of days, just plain missing him. I'm really sad about what happened. The anger is few and far in between lately. At the end of the day, that doesn't really matter. You can't love someone into loving you. I loved with my all and when the going got tough he bounced on out of here. I don't care what he is suffering from. Emotionally unavailable, terrified of commitment, I dont care what his disorder is....you are supposed to be there for the ones you love, through good and bad. He doesn't owe me anything, if he doesn't want to be try to make his wrongs right, I'm ok with that. I don't know what I am holding on to anymore. What am I scoring facebook and instagram for? What was all of this for in the end? He is alone. Alone with his internet photos and messages from married women. I am alone. How is that happiness? I really, truly don't think he cares. I haven't really spoken to my parents about how I've been feeling. They don't know that I'm suffering. They know I'm trying to recover. When I got in today, my mother asked me if I've heard from him, she asked if he has asked about his furniture. I was a little taken back, but answered no, we haven't spoken. She said she was surprised that I haven't heard from him at this point. I said don't be. I found myself going online to browse his facebook less today. I'm actively going to try to stop or go on less frequently. I need to really try to put one foot in front of the other and move on from this. I'm tired of looking for clues or evidence that he is thinking of me. Missing me or not, he still hasn't had enough integrity to face me about what he did and I don't think he ever will. Although, I am very sad at this time in my life, its time I start to empower myself and try to move on. That is why I fully support you in trying to move forward in your life, however you choose to do so. I don't have a plan on how I expect to move forward, but I am going to start by going on facebook and instagram less. I'd also like to start exercising. I don't need to lose weight, I'm rather slim, but just to be active I guess. Maybe it will help me get better sleep at night. I still hope to hear from him, but I just feel that he is probably at the same point I am in this...just trying to move on with life. I know my emotions have been back and forth, up and down. One day I'll be saying this and then the next I'll be obsessing over something I saw on facebook. Who knows??Im just trying and that's got to count for something. Have a good day at work. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Hi ksol I fully support you in trying to move on, as well, however you need and want to do that. Exercising is a great idea! Years ago, my doctor told me that it would really help in lessening anxiety. It gets all that pent-up energy out, and does wonders for your moods, apparently. I can't speak from experience (yet) because I'm not very active, but I hope to start doing more soon myself. Looking on Facebook/IG less is also a great idea for you, and also something I plan to start doing too once I find out if she's gone home or not. I really think it's an addiction for both of us, and something that won't be easy to stop - but like any other addiction, you just have to work at it until the urge lessens. You can track your progress here if that helps. And hey, it's totally okay if you feel determined to move forward one day, and the next you're backtracking to where you were before. You'll get where you want to be eventually, even if sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back. Just the fact that you want to try really does count for something. So the married woman posted another IG pic tonight of her daughter sitting on the porch of her and my ex's apartment building, holding the baby of her neighbor/best friend down there. So she took her daughter to where she's living with my ex. This makes NO sense to me. Friday her husband posted a profile pic of himself and her daughter and his son, so unless it was an old picture, it seems he was with the kids at the start of the weekend. Which means it's possible he took her daughter down there. This woman seems like a completely selfish and spoiled brat who just does whatever she wants. I still have no idea if she's still down there. I'm watching to see, but if she is, then I have to give up. This was the perfect opportunity for her to go on back home, so if she didn't, then she's there to stay. I'll reply further to your questions about that tomorrow. I think your guy's quote picture with the boxing gloves surely means something. People only like and share things like that when they relate to the quote in the moment that they're reading it. I would guess that he was thinking of you when he shared it, although we of course can't know for sure. When is the last time you saw him drive by your job? Okay, I'll end this for now, but I promise to catch up on the other things I want to respond to tomorrow. I really hope you're able to get some sleep tonight. I know this is such a difficult time for you, with not sleeping, and feeling sad, and adjusting to not being with him. But it will get better eventually. If he doesn't call (and I still think he will at some point), then after you heal from all of this, you will find someone more worthy of all you have to offer. For what it's worth, I can tell that you're an amazing person! You're so smart and so caring, and you deserve someone who values that. If your ex's issues are too deep for him to do the right thing and fix this, then you will eventually find someone better than him. I know you can't see it right now, but I can see it. So as always, hang in there. Talk more tomorrow. Goodnight Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Share Posted September 7, 2016 I've been having a really difficult time. Every little thing is triggering me and I've just been crying. I keep having to stop and take deep breaths. I don't know what this is all about. I wasn't feeling this horrible since I left. It's like something just hit me like a ton of bricks 5 weeks later. I'll respond later to your post. I'm going to try to get back to sleep before I have to get up for work. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Hugs. I had similar feelings around the same time period. For me, and probably for you, it was because reality was setting in and hope was dwindling day by day. I was close to panic attacks at times. I don't remember when the crying stopped, but it has... so in some ways, it does get better. You can see that I'm still having a hard time, but it's not nearly as intense as it was the first and second months. You'll get through this, ksol. I know it doesn't feel like it will ever go away, but it will get better with time. Just be patient and kind with yourself, and know that what you're feeling is not abnormal. I'm sorry it hurts so much Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 7, 2016 Author Share Posted September 7, 2016 Fell flat on my face yesterday. It was like a light switch. I don't know what sent me in this downward spiral. I think you are right in that as more time goes on, things are just becoming more final and the reality is, I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. Before I go any further, I just wanted to thank you for your kind words and your unconditional support. This forum has become a place for me to express my thoughts and feelings. It's become therapeutic to chat with you, so thank you so very much. Looking on Facebook/IG less is also a great idea for you, and also something I plan to start doing too once I find out if she's gone home or not. I really think it's an addiction for both of us, and something that won't be easy to stop - but like any other addiction, you just have to work at it until the urge lessens. Since yesterday, I've been fighting the urges to go on his Facebook. I feel he may not even care or maybe doesn't even check but you can tell whenever I reactivate. Through the messenger app, even if a profile is deactivated, you can see the last time they signed in just as I can see his. I haven't been going on as frequently. Even if I wanted to, I was so distraught yesterday that I didn't want to do anything other than sit in my room and cry. I agree that it has become an addiction. In regards to the post, I don't think it had anything to do with me. It could really be about anything. He posted some other memes since then and they are all pretty irrelevant stuff. Things about work and political views. He seems like he's just living his life. I don't get the impression he's even thinking of me at all. I haven't seen him drive by my workplace. My work schedule has been pretty strange lately. I have not been at the office. I've been at a different location so I've been moving around quite a bit. When I am there, which isn't for very long, I've been keeping my eyes off the road. I don't want to see him. It makes things worse. Through this entire ordeal, I know I couldn't continue to live the way we were living. We had become complacent. There was no more passion. I remember my sister jokingly said we were like a couple grandparents. We are too young for that. Now that I am out of the relationship, now that it has shaken up my world, I realize I still have so much more life to live. Life should be spent in laughter and love with the ones you love. I was getting no where with him. He threw it all away. All the hopes and dreams we had, the vacations, the plans, everything...down the drain. And still..I don't regret my decision. I know I'm not the one who really lost here. I still have a shot at happiness. He is alone. He can spend his time chatting with someone else's girlfriend or wife on the Internet and it still won't bring him happiness. He will never find happiness if he doesn't tug and pull and force himself to change, to grow. What brought me to seek counseling was this relationship, my negativity, my self fulfilled prophecies. Sometimes if I wonder if the constant doubting, the negativity, the lack of trust, the instincts...did it all effect my behavior, the way I treated him, his behavior...I know I had something to do with his choice to seek other women. Is it my fault? No, but I wasn't secure. I kept searching for reassurance when the reassurance should have come from within. I dedicated my entire life to him. I practiced being "the good, nice wife" and I let some many things slide, including communication. It's all too much to salvage. I don't believe he will come back. I have no clue what he is thinking. I don't think he's missing me or suffering like I am. I literally feel like I am the one who was dumped and abandoned. I still don't understand how he couldn't find words to say to me. I don't think I ever will. I spend my days just trying to pick up the pieces. I'm trying to be positive..look at the bright side. You were absolutely right when you said its not like I lost some sort of gem of a man. The innocence of our relationship is gone forever. Oh how I wish things were different, but I don't think it's in our cards. He doesn't want to try, if he did he would. Many will say, the best thing I could ever do for myself right now is fall out of love. The heart really wants what it wants. As much as my heart wants him back. As optimistic as I am and feel with every bone in my body that we could move past this, I still don't see he is going to contact me. It's been 3 weeks since he sent me a message regarding the children. If he was brave enough to contact me for passwords, he could have easily acknowledged our troubles. He doesn't care. I need to spend some good time swallowing that. As for your guy. I am very surprised to hear there was a photo of them at the apartment building. That may mean she isn't withholding her relationship with him or maybe they weren't there for long and he steered clear until they left. It's all very confusing because there are so many possibilities. If they are still in a relationship, it's still quite new and they seem to be having problems evidenced by the defriending. I understand how you must be feeling. Not hearing from him must make it so much worse. I still believe he feels he's exhausted everything with you and that you finally had enough with him. I'm almost certain that is the reason he hasn't tried to contact you and when/if you both speak, he will tell you he felt you didn't want a thing to do with him. Just as my guy could feel I would never speak to him ever again, when that's far from the truth. I hurting everyday just knowing he may never reach out. Still, I have the same advice as you give me...it may not look like it now, but it will sort itself out in time. I don't ever want to go through this again. This broke me down. I am not the same. I view life and love so differently now. I just hope and pray I get it right sometime soon. I'm not getting any younger. Hope you're doing alright lostlove. I know everyday is something new with a whole different set of emotions. Chin up right?? Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Before I go any further, I just wanted to thank you for your kind words and your unconditional support. This forum has become a place for me to express my thoughts and feelings. It's become therapeutic to chat with you, so thank you so very much. You're very welcome, ksol I didn't manage to get much sleep at all last night, so I'm feeling very blah today. I keep checking their pages, and nothing shows whether she stayed or went home. Last time they "broke up," I could tell something was up by a slight change in his facebook activity. Right now there's nothing, so I'm thinking that she's still there - which means she plans to stay indefinitely. I don't know what the initial plan was when she went to stay with him; I was hoping it was just for the summer, but I can't see why she would leave when she has a free place to stay in a town that she loves, no responsibilities, having the time of her life. You asked how she's supporting herself; at one point recently, a couple of months into living there, she got a job at a fast-food place. I have no idea if she kept the job. When she was commenting to her husband, she said she didn't have any money for cigarettes or beer. So I really think she's just living there rent-free, and my guy is probably doling out money for food and the occasional cigs and beer. I get the impression that she's a spoiled brat who is used to getting by on her looks, and just does whatever she wants. It really is odd that she took her daughter to the apartment complex. It gives me a headache trying to figure it all out. It's just so bizarre, all of it. It's frustrating to want to know if she stayed or went home and not being able to tell. Like I was saying before, if she stayed, then I really need to find some way to move on. I believe I got this "expect the worst" mentality from my parents. They definitely think the worst and in most cases they are somewhat right, it's just not to that degree. This is a really interesting point, and I can relate. Any time I got excited about something when I was a kid, my mom would point out that it may not happen like I wanted it to - probably trying to protect me from disappointment. So I adopted that line of thinking, and now I do it to myself, to avoid being disappointed. She also always seemed overly worried about someone getting into an accident, or something bad happening. It's amazing how much it can affect us later in life, the way we were raised. It's good that you recognize where your expect-the-worst mentality came from, and that maybe your worst-case assumptions aren't always the complete truth. When I first me him, we had a little problem, I can't even remember what it was about. I was upset with him and he gave me the silent treatment. He didn't call me for 3 days. Did he do this often, or just the one time (other than the current situation, of course)? I don't know if I've told you this, but in the beginning with my guy, I got worried and freaked out about potential lack of commitment, and I turned cold and angry and broke up with him out of self-protection. A few days later, after a few back-and-forths during which I was still angry, he completely quit talking to me. I tried for two months to get him to talk, and he wouldn't reply to any of my messages. Complete silence. It was awful. I kept sending message after message, first apologizing, then getting angry that he wouldn't answer, then back to apologizing. I will never ever do that again; I learned my lesson, and that's how I became so good at not initiating contact. Anyways, during that time I was really suffering, so I did a lot of googling about the silent treatment. That's where I first came upon narcissism, and it all fit. So I was just wondering if this was something your guy did often. It's really about the cruelest, most hurtful thing you can do to someone. Some do it on purpose as a matter of punishment and control (narcissists), and some do it because they don't know any other way to communicate that they're upset. It's very passive-aggressive. Sometimes I feel like he chose the life he is living over me, like what we had wasn't worth enough to stand up for. I'm sure you share that sentiment about your guy. Yep, that's exactly how I felt when things ended. Exactly. I know I am no where close to being over this man. Once I reach the point of feeling indifference, then I know I've begun to accept things. I agree, and I'm in the same place. If your guy (and mine) doesn't get back in touch, then I think the best we can hope for is to reach a point of no longer caring. I don't know how long that will take, or how to get there. I'm sure it's possible, though, because I no longer care anything at all about any of my previous exes. I guess we just have to hang in there and let time do it's thing. I've been meaning to ask since we talk about Facebook quite a lot. Do you think this woman knows about you? I'm wondering if, just as my guy posted all kinds of things to get under my skin during the first split, do you think she could be posting things to portray something that isn't? For example, her family visiting and so forth. I'm guessing it won't be long before she posts something again. Do you think if she is still there, would this be motivation for you to discontinue viewing her Facebook? Sorry that this post is kind of all over the place; I'm going back through the last post I wanted to quote from, and quoting in order as I reread. I highly doubt she even knows I exist. He's not one to talk about exes. I know everything I know about his past just from snooping; he never told me much of anything at all, never even mentioned any names. So I'm sure he didn't tell her about me. To answer your last question, I think I'm honestly going to have to force myself to cut back on looking, until I can wean myself off of it (if she's still there). It will truly be like breaking an addiction, and it won't be easy... but I don't think I'm going to be able to move on if I keep looking, and waiting, and hoping that she'll leave. I've been feeling a different kind of pain the past couple of days, just plain missing him. I'm really sad about what happened. The anger is few and far in between lately. I think that anger fades as time passes. You start forgetting the bad things and remembering the good. You'll probably start feeling angry again for a while at some point, and then back to just missing him, and back and forth many times. I don't care what he is suffering from. Emotionally unavailable, terrified of commitment, I dont care what his disorder is.... I agree! I tried so hard and for so long to understand why my guy did the things he did, to the point that I almost gave him free passes for it because I knew he had issues. But just because they have issues doesn't mean they get to treat us badly. I'm sure you've heard that saying, that "hurt people hurt people," and it's so very true. But it's not okay to go around destroying other people just because you're damaged. It doesn't give you the right to cheat. I found myself going online to browse his facebook less today. I'm actively going to try to stop or go on less frequently. I need to really try to put one foot in front of the other and move on from this. I'm tired of looking for clues or evidence that he is thinking of me. Missing me or not, he still hasn't had enough integrity to face me about what he did and I don't think he ever will. This is a good way to look at it. Whatever is holding him back from reaching out doesn't matter in the end, because 1) you don't know what's holding him back, so you're left feeling like he simply doesn't care, which is an awful way to feel, and 2) the result is the same - you're still not hearing from him, whatever the reason may be. So even if he's depressed and sad and missing you and thinking of you all the time, it's inconsequential to you unless he reaches out and lets you know. The clue-seeking can get a little exhausting at times, when there is so little payoff from it. It's like plugging quarters into a slot machine, hoping you'll eventually get rewarded, but really just losing a lot (staying stuck and depressed, getting upset with what you see) along the way. Let me post this one and then reply to your most recent, so that it doesn't get too long... Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 Quick thought before replying to your last post... Do you ever feel like, as more and more time passes, that what he's doing now by not attempting to acknowledge or apologize or fix things is even worse than his cheating behaviors? Will there be some point at which you'll feel there's no going back because too much damage has been done by his silence? The contacting of other women was a really low, horrible, hurtful thing for him to do. But it just occurred to me that what he's doing right now is equally bad, if not worse. You're suffering SO much every single day, when all it would take for you to feel a tiny bit better is for him to simply reach out and say something. He may or may not know that - we just don't know what he's thinking. But if he does end up calling at some point, I really hope he'll explain exactly why he remained silent for so long. I think it would be helpful and important for you to know. Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 7, 2016 Share Posted September 7, 2016 I feel he may not even care or maybe doesn't even check but you can tell whenever I reactivate. Through the messenger app, even if a profile is deactivated, you can see the last time they signed in just as I can see his. It didn't occur to me that he could tell the last time you were on... I didn't know it still showed your last active time while you're deactivated. Interesting, and good thing to know. I don't think guys in general facebook check quite as much as we do (or maybe they do and we just don't know it?) but I would bet that he's at least checking some to see when you were last on. I find it very hard to believe that you're just not on his mind at all. I know it feels that way, but at the very least, I'm sure he's curious about how/what you're doing. So I would guess that he at least checks sometimes. In regards to the post, I don't think it had anything to do with me. It could really be about anything. He posted some other memes since then and they are all pretty irrelevant stuff. Things about work and political views. He seems like he's just living his life. I don't get the impression he's even thinking of me at all. Just keep reminding yourself that all is not as it appears on facebook. Remember what I told you about my own facebook activity, how I mostly just share things that I happen to like - recipes or animal videos or funny things or DIY vids. No one on my friends list would have any clue that I'm thinking about my ex 24/7, or that I feel down most of the time. I come across as pretty neutral in mood, just aimlessly sharing posts just for the heck of it. It's just something to do - facebook is just a time-filler, an escape from boredom, a way of feeling connected without actually having to connect with anyone in any real way. I'm just giving you a known example to compare him to. I'm sure he is just doing the same thing that I do, and it doesn't say one way or another whether or not he's thinking of you (although I completely understand that it feels like he's not, to you). Sometimes if I wonder if the constant doubting, the negativity, the lack of trust, the instincts...did it all effect my behavior, the way I treated him, his behavior...I know I had something to do with his choice to seek other women. Is it my fault? No, but I wasn't secure. I kept searching for reassurance when the reassurance should have come from within. I dedicated my entire life to him. I practiced being "the good, nice wife" and I let some many things slide, including communication. I bolded the part that I want to say no, no, no, no, NO to! (ETA: sorry, just wanted to make my point very clear He doesn't care. In order for him not to care, he would have to be completely devoid of all attachment and empathy, and I really don't think that's the case. He cares. Feelings don't fade this quickly, especially when there's not a replacement or rebound person to fill the void. I promise you he hasn't forgotten you. I do know exactly how you feel though, and I know it's the crappiest feeling in the world. As for your guy. I am very surprised to hear there was a photo of them at the apartment building. That may mean she isn't withholding her relationship with him or maybe they weren't there for long and he steered clear until they left. It's all very confusing because there are so many possibilities. Extremely confusing. I just saw another clue that makes me feel like her husband probably did indeed go down there. His son (her stepson) posted a picture of himself with married woman and her daughter from this weekend. I just can't imagine how this whole thing played out. If her husband did go down there, and they had some nice family time (even if they were bickering like they always seem to), did the husband and kids just go back home and leave her there like that's okay and normal?? That makes no sense to me. How can they be okay with her running off and living 4 hours away? And how could my ex be okay with her husband coming for a visit? My guess, knowing my ex, is that once the husband/kids left, he just put it out of his mind and continued forward as if it never happened, just glad to still have her there. I'm still hoping she left, but not seeing any indication that she did. I understand how you must be feeling. Not hearing from him must make it so much worse. I still believe he feels he's exhausted everything with you and that you finally had enough with him. I'm almost certain that is the reason he hasn't tried to contact you and when/if you both speak, he will tell you he felt you didn't want a thing to do with him. I think you're right, at least in the beginning. I was getting more and more fed up with his behavior, and I was getting angrier and angrier at him. And then I gave an ultimatum. And then I ignored him. And then I yelled at him when I finally did answer. So maybe he did just understand that I was at the end of my rope, and that I wasn't going to give in and let him continue with how he'd been acting. But then once she showed up in full force, I feel sure that he completely forgot about me and started loving her. This is just how he works. He jumps from one relationship to the next (or fling to fling), never pausing to be alone, and yet never fully committing when he does have someone who truly loves him. It's just on to the next, easy as that. Too bad it's not that easy for you and I, huh? Link to comment
jackie103 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I love reading these posts, they make me feel better in sad times as I know I'm not the only one hurting. I guess I have a bit of a different experience, but I thought I'd share it to get your opinions. I am a girl and i was with my ex girlfriend for almost 3 years. We were both interested in guys until we met one another. We started dating my freshman year in college and her sophomore year in college. This past June, she started having doubts and said that she wanted to live the single life and that she wanted to date others (guys) before settling down. She had dated other guys before and I told her that, but her response was "but they were all bad people". She told me that I was the best relationship she's ever had and I treated her the best compared to her other relationships. At this points, I realized that she had G.I.G.S. I was hurt by this but she ultimately wanted to break up. We would still see each other over the summer and act like we were a couple; making out, cuddling, and having sex. Just recently, she visited me at school to go to the first football game and this was the first time we didn't have sex. This kinda hurt my ego a bit because she didn't want to go that far anymore with me because she could see how much she was hurting me since I cried the last 2 times seeing her. People say that if you treated your SO well, that they will ultimately come back to you but I don't think she will. She's almost 23 and I bet all the guys she meets in Boston will be ready for a relationship or ready to change for her. She is also saving sex for marriage but she does everything else, and I don't think guys oppose to that at least if theyre getting some. Anyway, it kills me every time to think about her with someone else and having sex with someone else because I truly believe that no one could ever lover her as much as I did. I asked her if "we" could ever happen in the future and she said that she doesn't see it so basically I have to let all my hope go. I told her that I couldn't see her any more and that I couldnt talk to her anymore for a really long time in order to get over her. She was upset because she said she can't not have me as a friend as she said that she knows she will never find anyone else with the same connection we have. I have been going NC for 4 days now and the sadness comes in waves. I have dreams about her with other guys and it kills me. It's the worst and I cant wait for this to be over. I am pretty strong willed so I know I won't break NC. Any advice to help me through this? Thanks guys Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Hi ksol. I hope you got some sleep last night. I feel a bad day coming on. Just wanted to tell you that I saw a comment indicating that she stayed and didn't go back home with her family. This was kind of the last hope I had that she would leave. It appears that she plans to stay permanently, and that just wouldn't be possible if she wasn't living with my ex. I feel like I've been holding on for nothing, and now I have to go through the process of accepting that it's really over, all over again. I guess I was holding out hope since he always kept coming back for two years, but now he's truly moved on for good, because she's not leaving. Just wanted to update you Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 8, 2016 Author Share Posted September 8, 2016 Hi ksol. I hope you got some sleep last night. I feel a bad day coming on. Just wanted to tell you that I saw a comment indicating that she stayed and didn't go back home with her family. This was kind of the last hope I had that she would leave. It appears that she plans to stay permanently, and that just wouldn't be possible if she wasn't living with my ex. I feel like I've been holding on for nothing, and now I have to go through the process of accepting that it's really over, all over again. I guess I was holding out hope since he always kept coming back for two years, but now he's truly moved on for good, because she's not leaving. Just wanted to update you Hi lostlove, Thanks for checking in. I have not been having good days. Today isn't any better. Can't seem to get myself out of this rut. Just feeling really helpless and hopeless. I'm sorry that seeing the comment about her staying has taken the little bit of hope you have left. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you. We don't know what is going on in their lives. The information on Facebook seems to be minimal. With that being said, if you feel that you are ready to move on with your life then I'll be here to encourage you. I would take a few days to let this all settle in. Now that you know she is still there, I can understand why you feel there is little to no hope left. It's a complicated situation because she's almost plaguing your situation. Even if you felt strong enough to reach out to him, you don't know if she's going or staying. I know you would want the first contact to come from him, but have you thought about contacting him. Not that I think that's a great idea, but I'm just wondering. I'm really at a loss. I don't know how to help you because I'm basically running on empty as well. I just hope that you find strength in whatever it is that you choose to do. I know how hard this is. My heart breaks for you. I know that pain all too well. I've been fighting so many thoughts for the past couple of days. I keep thinking I made such a big deal over so many small issues in our relationship. I'm sure I came off as very insecure. I kept badgering him for reassurance. I just feel I didn't handle myself well at all. Especially the Facebook searches. They literally meant nothin because I've searched exs and it literally meant nothing..pure curiousity. I keep feeling like all the hell I gave him about things like that created a chain reaction. The distance and instability caused him to turn to other women. Still wrong on his behalf, but I understand my role. I could have been a little more realistic and secure. I guess it doesn't matter anymore..it's all said and done now. I can't erase those emails and what he has done. Still I feel like contacting him. I was about to leave for lunch. I turned my car on, was thinking of him, and just paused for a moment. I looked up toward the road and there he was...cruising by slowly. I smiled to myself because I couldn't believe it. Literally as I looked up, I saw his truck. He doesn't know how much I cry out for him. He doesn't know how I'm fighting my feelings for him every single day. I just want him back. I miss the children. I don't know how I'm going to make this love fade away. I really don't know. Sometimes I just feel like slapping myself. Lol. I don't know about anything going on in his life. Maybe he has someone new. Maybe he is talking to other women. I don't see that he has any intention of reaching out to me and just like you, I have little to no hope left. Just like you, I was holding on to hope that just maybe things would happen just as they did last time...he would contact me on his own. When hope is gone, where do you go from here? Link to comment
lostlove76 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Thanks ksol. I guess that's all I can do, take a few days to process the losing of that last little bit of hope. I feel like I'm having a setback here, and it's entirely my own doing since we haven't even talked in 3 months. I won't contact him, ever, for any reason. He's not the type who would respond with compassion. It was already over long ago, but I kept hanging on and not fully allowing myself to believe it. Just kept waiting and watching and hoping, almost feeling like it was only a matter of time before they ended and he called me. I'm just having all kinds of confusing and painful emotions right now. If I'm quiet for the next couple of days, this is why, so I apologize in advance. I'm still here for you, and will still read and respond - my comments just might not be as in depth until my head clears a little. For what it's worth, I think it's a really good sign that he drove by your work today. This makes me feel like he will surely contact you at some point soon. He may very well even be considering it, but just hasn't been able to work up the courage yet. Keep hanging in there, and just focus on getting through each day. That's about all you can do until you either hear from him, or the cloud of sadness and depression starts to lift. I'm feeling like you though, when you said "When hope is gone, where do you go from here?" I wish I knew the answer to that. Link to comment
dirkdaring Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Had to say something....I've read through this entire thread over the past two days....every word. The back-and-forth and the really EXCELLENT writing in this thread is what finally inspired me to post my own thread of what I'm going through. I wish nothing but the best for you both(ll76 and Ksol9). I'll try to give my own perspective on this thread, and I'll stay connected to this to follow up. I won't start at the beginning, it's 30 pages and a lot of time ago! Ksol9 -- I hate that you have to wonder about his stubbornness being the reason he's not reaching out. He may be driving by your work to see that you're not happy with someone else, or that you're unhappy alone. He may even be missing you to some degree. But he's not showing anything to make you think that he's willing, trying, or even capable of change. And, as much as you've already heard it, and even said it yourself, if he was going behind your back with other women, even if just to cheat emotionally, or play the "grass is greener" charade, you don't want to risk your happiness with someone like that, at least not until they've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they've actively sought help to change their behavior, and can follow through with that behavior shift. Part of me wants to tell you to ask him not to drive by your work anymore. You've said it's out of his way, that the only reason he's doing so is to check up on you. This is not too much to ask. I understand if you don't WANT to, because that would be breaking no-contact, and you fear that you might be pushing him away even more when you THINK he wants you to just reach out, the way you want him to reach out to you. But, if him driving by is only causing you pain, you need to ask him to stop. Ask him why he's doing it, and maybe he'll give you an answer. Regardless, it's not healthy to you, and no matter what he says, you need to ask him to stop. Do you mind if I ask how old you and he are? It may be in the thread somewhere and I can assume some things based on the kids but I'd rather know than guess. Link to comment
Ksol9 Posted September 8, 2016 Author Share Posted September 8, 2016 Hi dirkdaring, Thank you so much for reading my story. Aside from being able to exchange thoughts and opinions here, I do hope my experience can help others in some way. Everything I've shared is true, raw, and real emotion, so thank you for taking the time to read and to respond. Ksol9 -- I hate that you have to wonder about his stubbornness being the reason he's not reaching out. He may be driving by your work to see that you're not happy with someone else, or that you're unhappy alone. He may even be missing you to some degree. But he's not showing anything to make you think that he's willing, trying, or even capable of change. And, as much as you've already heard it, and even said it yourself, if he was going behind your back with other women, even if just to cheat emotionally, or play the "grass is greener" charade, you don't want to risk your happiness with someone like that, at least not until they've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they've actively sought help to change their behavior, and can follow through with that behavior shift. I think you've made some excellent points here, especially the part in bold. When I look at everything from a broader perspective, as you've pointed out...it's so black and white. And you are absolutely right...I don't want to risk my happiness with someone like that...not anymore. I think your post served as a reminder. A reminder to let the cards fall where they may. You asked old we are....I am 32 and he is 37. Old enough to know right from wrong. I also think when you reach a certain age...over 30 for sure, you know your own flaws. You know all your bad habits and what you should change from all the mistakes you've made along the way, from the trials and tribulations. I know life is a journey and you never stop learning, but in relationships, at this age, if you haven't done enough soul searching to recognize what you need to change in order to live peacefully and happily, you may never address those things for the rest of your life. The way he has handled this entire ordeal says alot about his character. That may never change. I do have faith, but my hope that any of this evoking change is small. I've been going round and round, back and forth with my emotions. I feel like letting go. This love story has brought me bliss, but what's remaining is just tragedy. Link to comment
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