I obviously DO want to get back together. I would like to hear your thoughts!

[Malfunction91]

I went through most of the threads here that involve discussions on the psychology of breaking up, getting back together and how both sides feel including the dumper and the dumpee. Without further a due, here's my story so far.

 

We've been together for 2 and a half years. We broke up last April and we got back together in middle of July. Things were going pretty good in fact. Though we didn't fix our issues. Out of the blue she breaks up with me. At 11PM everything was fine and 3 hours after that I get the call "we should have a talk tomorrow".

 

So we broke up at the end of November. After a month long begging and pleading, attempting to find good closure I finally quit. She's 21, in one month 22. On the other hand i'm 24 soon to be 25. Around the end of January she started going out with this guy who's 1 year younger then her. He's unlike anything I could've imagined she'd been with. I met them on few occasions. As a talkative guy I even had a chat with him and her at a concert. Smooth light chat, I know how to play it cool. However, whenever I text her usually we appoint a phone call. At one time we texted for like several hours and few days ago we had a phone call of 45 minutes. These conversations are not one sided, that's for sure. The topics we cover usually involve what's been going out lately, i tell her how i party, how I finally run for 12km straight, etc. She doesn't mention her boyfriend, but even when he comes up I don't feel bad, I guess she's comfortable as well. Bear in mind we don't go into details.

 

I guess this is LC since I don't want to stay in the picture for too long, but I don't want to have a wall between us. I've been on dates, i'm going out, working out, focusing on my job and soon on my studies as well. Crucial point here. SHE SAYS HER BOYFRIEND DOESN'T KNOW we're actually in contact from time to time. She stated how he tells her that his ex calls him, bothers him, but she also said that I'M NOT BOTHERING HER or in other words that I don't nag her. I guess that's the word.

 

A little background info on him. He broke up before New Years Eve. I can't determine if it's GIGS or just plain Rebound. Or it's something totally different. Regardless, can somebody give me an objective opinion on the whole situation and how should I proceed. If you feel like I should provide more info i'll feed you promptly.

 

Her friends like me, her family also. and she's not posting anything with him, like pictures and he's not commenting. It's like she's ashamed of what she's done. I await your opinions fellow ENAs.

[overthemoon86]

You want to get back together. And she doesn't. She is in another relationship and you have totally been "friendzoned." She talks to you because you shared a relationship for 2 years and that is comfortable to her. But she hasn't broken up with her current boyfriend to be with you.

 

I would stop talking to her. She is not interested in getting back together.

[ThatwasThen]

Regardless, can somebody give me an objective opinion on the whole situation and how should I proceed

Yes, you should change that LC to NC and get on with your life free and clear of her in your heart and mind. You two have broken up TWICE already. That's natures way of telling you that you're trying to be with the wrong person.

She has a boyfriend. That's natures way to telling you to back the heck off and leave her to him. It doesn't matter if he's a rebound or a GIG candidate... it's none of your business now so let her to it and keep your emotional health by not keeping attached to someone who is not free to be attached back. Zero contact will help you to get over the wrong person.

 

Did I mention that she's the wrong person for you?

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's wrong to want to pursue a person in a relationship. If you are fine with being friends, that's okay. But angling for a relationship when she's not single is disrespectful.

[boltnrun]

How can you get back together with someone who has a boyfriend?

 

Sure, you're hoping her relationship fails. You're hoping they get into a big fight, or he cheats, or something. But that's not nice. Hoping something bad happens to someone you say you care about so YOU can benefit isn't cool.

 

And lurking around playing "friend" just so you can leap if something goes bad in her relationship isn't cool either. She probably thinks you two are actually friends while you're only playing the "friend role" so you'll have an in.

 

Detaching from her so you can eventually be available to a woman who is not only truly interested in you but who is actually single is my recommendation.

[Clio]

There is a thread in here on the 3rd page called Reverse psychology and the "rebound" relationship that I think is pertinent to your situation. You may want to look it up if you haven't. I think that by sticking around like that you are only making her transition to the new relationship smoother. Talking 45 min on the phone and texting for hours is NOT LC. Either way the previous posters are right. I understand full well that you still want her but the fact that she is with another guy should be GIANT red flag that whatever you two had is majorly FLAWED. The fact that she broke up with you TWICE should tell you that she is an unsuitable match. You deserve better. You sound like a decent guy. At this point she is NOT worth it and you should value yourself enough to cut her off. As long as she is with another guy being there in any capacity only leads to being taken for granded and opens you to disrespect. You need to look within. No girl deserves this. Good luck!

[Malfunction91]

Well, now that I've heard it from someone other than my inner voice (i'm not crazy) I can stick to NC. And the reverse psychology thread, that's on spot. Is she the wrong person? When I put some thought into it she ends up as the worst for me. It's like I got hooked on that lifestyle. It's time to go back to the type of girls I used to like, girls that just don't give a f*ck.

 

And If I get the call we all know CAN happen I'll update you. THANKS!

[MarchMadness]

I think it's wrong to want to pursue a person in a relationship. If you are fine with being friends, that's okay. But angling for a relationship when she's not single is disrespectful.

 

I agree with this Ms Darcy- very disrespectful! Also bad "karma" "juju" "mojo" whatever you want to call it. I hate this saying but it is SO true- "if its meant to be it will be".

[Malfunction91]

Hey! I'm bumping the post as I got some updates. It's been 4 months since I posted this here. So, she broke up with him soon after I posted this. We got back in touch, at least for a while. I asked her out for a cup of coffee to which she refused. After this I started NC again. I was about to go for a 2 and a half week trip. She was aware of this since i bought the ticket in the travel agency she's currently working. The night before my flight I went out for a couple of beers with my friends. One of our mutual friends was there with me. She asked if it's going to be a problem if my ex comes, to which I replied that i don't care if she's here or not, i don't mind. And she came.

 

People around us were asking if we've gotten back together and other similar questions. So everything was good until our mutual friend's ex was here. He was there with some of his friends. My ex started chatting with them. The night goes on without much fuss. My friends left, our mutual friend, my ex and the friends of our mutual friend's ex were still in the bar. I went to the toilet, i got out and I carried on. All of a sudden I hear my ex calling for me like why am i leaving without saying goodbye. I responded that she was busy and I didn't want to interrupt her. She said that was nonsense, wished me a safe flight and that was it.

 

While I was abroad, i texted her like boy do I have a surprise. I just wanted to test the waters see if she's going to accept a souvenir. She denied politely that she doesn't want any gifts from me. This was rather strange to me, as she was always very harsh when she's refusing something. I got back from my trip, I had a wonderful time. Our mutual friend joined me for a cup of coffee. After some chit chatting she told me that my ex started seeing someone while i was away. It was the guy she met the night before my flight. She was hiding it from me. This is her 2nd attempt to find happiness elsewhere. A month or so we had a short conversation in which i told her that she should try to be happy alone if she wants to be happy with someone else, but she failed greatly. A few days after I got back, I was out with my friends. I saw my ex was with our mutual friend(she was about to go abroad the following day) in a bar next to the one i was in. Both bars were about to close and I wanted to go and hug her one more time before she leaves. My ex was there with the new BF. I went straight in the arms of our mutual friend. We started talking, all of a sudden my ex came near me trying to handshake, i just mirrored her actions and proceeded talking. Whenever we meet, I always left her for last, since that's the only way we can talk a bit more. This was my main argument when we had the fight that was following.

 

This made her angry, but I was happy. I came home just to realize that she texted me, an angry message. I told her that we talk on the phone if she wants, i'm not having any conversation on facebook. And we started talking, we fought a bit, until i told her that i want her to leave me be. That i've had enough, that i'm aware that she doesn't want to be with me, that we might never get back together. At this point she interrupted me, saying that she doubts that we will never be together, meaning she's having thoughts about reconciling at some point in time. This was the moment of the conversation.

 

A few days after this I deleted her from facebook, and I deactivated my account. Today, after 1 week of no contact I saw her with one of her friends. I texted her briefly, some nonchalant topics. She gotten angry when I asked her how's she doing with the new BF. She responded we're not going to talk about that, that I shouldn't be asking about that. This was rather odd. This time I think it's different. She's trying to keep me as far as possible.

 

So far so good peepz. I hope there's going to be some exciting moment in the near future.

 

And by the way. I started seeing this new girl occasionally. But, I don't think it's going to work.

[Itchy]

It failed once and it will fail again.

 

You're wasting your time. You should cherish the memories, move on and find someone new.

[Wiseman2]

It's best to stay NC and block, even if you run into her, she's got a bf now so don't bother hovering around.

 

Why don't you think it will work with the new girl?

Today, after 1 week of no contact I saw her with one of her friends. I texted her briefly, some nonchalant topics. She gotten angry when I asked her how's she doing with the new BF. She responded we're not going to talk about that, that I shouldn't be asking about that. I started seeing this new girl occasionally. But, I don't think it's going to work.

[Onderoo]

I personally would steer well clear.

 

I'm in the same boat as you. Mine started dating someone new and kept running back to me saying how things between them weren't going too well, until I decided to tell her how I felt. In short, it made things worse and pushed her further towards him and requested that we stay friends.

 

The truth of the matter is, this girl knows you like her, yet she picked this new guy over you. Would you really be able to accept the fact that you're her backup option in case things don't work out with her new guy?

I personally could never accept that. And the more I started to see it as I healed, the more it allowed me to cut ties and move on.

It's still painful at times and I haven't deleted her off of Facebook. But do yourself a favour and find someone who will give you the love that you deserve.

[gypsybird87]

How is this "so far, so good"? It sounds miserable.

 

It's pretty clear she has no interest in reconciling with you. Even the so-called friendship you are currently in is only on her terms, and she blows hot and cold as her mood or situation dictates. The longer you tolerate this from her, the more respect she will lose for you, and the less likely ANY small chance at reconciliation becomes.

 

In a situation with mutual friends, it's difficult to go no contact, but I would keep your social interaction with her polite but cool, and stop all texting or calling. She's choosing to date other men, not you. Whether you think that's a mistake or not is irrelevant. It's her choice and you have to respect it. Lingering in the friend zone only erodes your self respect. It's time to move on.

[luisannalui]

 

A few days after this I deleted her from facebook, and I deactivated my account.

 

 

I'm in the same situation as you. Had it makes you feel better to deactivate your Facebook?

[Malfunction91]

Thanks for the replies guys! So, one by one.

 

@Wiseman2

You got this right, mate. I can just wave from a far, not going to her and say hi, she can do that if she wants. Regarding the new girl, well, you know when someone says "it's not my type", well this is exactly it. We're not on the same intellectual level. She's outgoing, spending time with her friends. That's the only thing she does. I dated a girl that was exactly like this. On the other hand, I spend the whole day at home since I study and work online. Currently I'm working on two separate projects, besides my fulltime job. I think you get the idea. Even if she's not clingy at this moment, she will eventually become needy. I'm not saying it won't work with any other girl, i'm sure it will, but not with this one, ergo i'm not investing much in it. Just plain, casual sex.

 

@Onderoo

Yeah, it was difficult in the beginning. Now, I think she's the one that feels awkward. You don't have to delete Facebook, just get busy. It works for me. I deactivated my facebook account for other reasons.

 

@gypsybird87

I can only agree with you. You're absolutely right. Plus, if I'm anywhere close to her, I lose more than just my respect. I lose my time, which I value the most.

 

@luisannalui

Absolutely! I became a whole lot more productive. Instead of billing 35 hours per week, now I bill roughly 50 (virtual hours), and I'm working on two of my own projects. In regards to the ex, yes I feel a lot better. I might get back on facebook in a couple of months, but I will enjoy summer as much as I can without worrying what's going on with her facebook activities. On top of this, I prefer it this way, since she has no idea what i'm doing. Adds to the mystery, and she can't judge me, gossip around etc.

If you need anything else, I'd gladly talk about it with you luisannalui. How long it's been since you broke up?