Questioning my girlfriends massage therapists intentions and professionalism.

[Idk294932]

My girlfriend has been going and seeing a massage therapist long before we got together. I'm not the overly jealous controlling boyfriend that is telling her she cannot go get a relaxing massage, but when I found out details of their "professional" relationship I became deeply concerned and downright disgusted. I care about this girl and I don't want this to break us up but it seems inevitable at this point. My problem is not with her getting a massage, but I found out that she goes late at night to an empty office for what she claims is because they both have busy days and he does it as a favor to her because it's hard for her to fit it into her day. She is a 19 year old girl who is very attractive. The man that is massaging her is in his mid to late 50s. She has admitted to recently feeling comfortable enough to go fully nude and says it makes it easier on him and her. She has also admitted to me that he sees her fully exposed naked body during the massage. I have done my research and read that with proper draping techniques and a completely professional therapist this should never happen and is in itself inappropriate. She claims that it is never sexual for her and it's just to relieve pain and stress. I'm not naive to the fact that full body massages can be and usually are a sensual expirience. My problem is not so much with her being nude for the massage as it is with her being exposed to who in my mind is now a creepy old man who's just trying to cop a feel and see my attractive young girlfriend naked. What makes this worse is she was reluctant to go to another LMT that I suggested should be female because he does not charge her and she can't afford regular massages. This begs the question that if he is not doing this for money then it is no longer professional and he has ulterior motives. I cant stand the thought of this and it's causing me to have trust issues with her. I tried to explain that I am extremely uncomfortable with it and she has since promised me she will never see or contact him again. I still feel as though he crossed lines and I want to report him. She may be naive to how inappropriate this all is but I want to confront him because I'm questioning his ethics as a professional. I feel as though he gained her trust through his qualifications and made her feel comfortable with things that are inappropriate. Please help!!

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, go ahead and report him to his licensing board. I don't know that confronting him will do any good, because he might turn violent on you necessitating a police action you don't want on your record OR he'll deny the whole thing since he made very sure there were no witnesses. He did indeed cross the line. Guys like him are why expose TV shows exist. So just file a report based on what you know, tell your girlfriend she should file a report too.

 

What's even more disturbing though, is your girlfriend falling for this. I mean, everyone does know going after hours to any (Air quotes) professional's office with no one there to get free "treatment" is just a bad Lifetime Movie waiting to happen, right? I wouldn't even agree to that setup with a frigging dentist or regular doctor, let alone a massage therapist.

 

All you can do there is educate her by providing her with materials on what is acceptable procedure for massage therapists and after that she needs to maintain her own boundaries. But have a talk with her about how this has made you not trust her judgement and whether or not this might not be a deal killer for you.

 

Given that she's 19 it's a bit hard to say if she's just incredibly naïve OR if she was enjoying the "ahem" extra attention.

[rosephase]

She agreed not to see him again? I think it's time you get over it. I would be upset if my boyfriend insecurity and lacking of trust in my own judgement cost me free messages... but she went along with you. So it's over and you should get over it.

 

It perfectly normal if he works at an office during the day for him to use it after hours.

[ParisPaulette]

It perfectly normal if he works at an office during the day for him to use it after hours.

 

True. But it is NOT normal to see a client off the books after hours when no one else is there. In many professions smarter professionals of every type will not enter a room with a patient or client without a nurse accompanying them OR leaving doors open. My own chiropractor insists--yes insists--that I be in every single room with my teenage son when he was treating him for a knee injury. So did my teenage son's doctor, so did his dentist.

 

If all of those professionals can keep to that standard, so should any other "professional" with a "license."

 

It should pretty much be a no brainer. "Come to my office when no one but me is there after hours for free naked massages" is a big no-no. And the therapist is also leaving himself extremely vulnerable to false allegations of sexual assault or blackmail as well, so it isn't just the clients who are at risk for such behaviors.

 

Any professional who has ever had to take a licensing class will be told what the ethics and standards of their profession are. And yes they'd all be told, "What are you crazy? NO!" if they asked if the setup this guy's girlfriend had with her massage therapist was on the up and up and okay professionally.

[Idk294932]

Wow rosephase. I can see if you think I'm overreacting, but you seem offended that I was concernced. I am by no means insecure in anything in my life especially my romantic relationships. What is going on is not okay. Telling me to move on is one thing but basically trying to make me feel like I'm an insecure little jealous boy is rediculous. I have offered to pay for her to go see any therapist she pleases granted it is a woman. That's called a compromise. You know? Give and take? That concept seems completely lost on you. Good luck finding a man that would be fine with you in this situation because hey, it's free....lol

[Clinton]

Every massage therapist I've ever gone to uses a sheet over top. And no after hours free one on one naked sessions.

 

I'm torn as to whether you should report him. On the one hand it might cause problems for you and our girlfriend. But on the other, what if he's preying on other women. Up to you.

[Moontiger]

The guy sounds highly unprofessional and your GF very naive. No professional just give someone free massages. He was getting something out of it. I think you had every right to feel uncomfortable.

[Idk294932]

Thank you for your responses. I agree yes she is very naive and it's hard to trust her judgement now. I am older (26) she turns (20) this month and the age gap was a concern of mine going in but I fell for her and she for me. It is a terrible situation that I want to, but am having a very hard time moving on from.

[Doc Blaze]

to be honest, it sounds sketchy

 

 

 

no witnesses, no paper trail. weird.

[Moontiger]

 

 

Point J, "use appropriate draping to protect the client's physical and emotional privacy"

 

Standard V: Roles and Boundaries, point B, "recognize his/her influential position with the client and not exploit the relationship for personal or other gain" (again if he's not being paid what is he getting?)

 

Standard VI: Prevention of Sexual Misconduct, point b, "in the event that the client initiates sexual behavior, clarify the purpose of the therapeutic session, and, if such conduct does not cease, terminate or refuse the session" (Getting fully naked is pushing this one I think).

[jennylove]

I mean, not to sound disrespectful to your gf, but come on!! There is s difference between naieve and just plain stupid.

[DancingFool]

Yes, I do think you should report him to the licensing board. There is a lot that is not right with this picture. What stuck out at me the most is that he has clearly been trying to talk her into going fully nude due to her comment how it's better for him to work like that. No proper therapist is ever going to comment on your level of undress. In fact they'll specifically state that you may undress to whatever your level of comfort is and not make a single comment after that on what you've chosen to do. When you add in that it's free, frequent and after hours...... Your gf is playing with fire and I doubt that it's the first time that that man has pulled this with a woman. Do please report him. It might be unpleasant and blow up in your face or ruin your relationship with your gf, however, you might be saving her and other women from becoming victims of a creep.

[DancingFool]

 

Point J, "use appropriate draping to protect the client's physical and emotional privacy"

 

Standard V: Roles and Boundaries, point B, "recognize his/her influential position with the client and not exploit the relationship for personal or other gain" (again if he's not being paid what is he getting?)

 

Standard VI: Prevention of Sexual Misconduct, point b, "in the event that the client initiates sexual behavior, clarify the purpose of the therapeutic session, and, if such conduct does not cease, terminate or refuse the session" (Getting fully naked is pushing this one I think).

 

There is nothing odd or inappropriate with the client being fully naked under the sheet and the therapist properly using the sheet to keep the client covered up. The level of undress is not the issue. It's the totality of the picture - after hours, free sessions, actively talking her into full nudity rather than her choosing it of her own accord. The latter being the most concerning.

[DancingFool]

I mean, not to sound disrespectful to your gf, but come on!! There is s difference between naieve and just plain stupid.

 

I hope you realize that you and any one of us is equally vulnerable to falling into a confidence trickster's trap. She didn't get to this situation overnight. He built up a level of trust with her over a long period of time and worked at it with deliberation and patience, so let's not just all pile on her as being stupid. I doubt that she is. This is a situation where it's very easy to judge from the outside as how could you, but difficult to see so clearly when you are in the midst of it. The longer you deal with a person the more you are going to feel comfortable around them and thus become less likely to see a deviation or a problem.

[Idk294932]

Thank you dancing fool I'm glad you can see it from all angles and gave me well thought out advice. Not just judgemental and one sided opinions.

[Idk294932]

I hope you realize that you and any one of us is equally vulnerable to falling into a confidence trickster's trap. She didn't get to this situation overnight. He built up a level of trust with her over a long period of time and worked at it with deliberation and patience, so let's not just all pile on her as being stupid. I doubt that she is. This is a situation where it's very easy to judge from the outside as how could you, but difficult to see so clearly when you are in the midst of it. The longer you deal with a person the more you are going to feel comfortable around them and thus become less likely to see a deviation or a problem.

Yes this was done over a long period of time. She has been going to him for almost 5 years and she said she just started getting naked 4 months ago. He obviously has no problem being patient and he has molded the situation to make himself look innocent and for her to have consented to everything. He still took advantage of her trust in him as a professional.

[Moontiger]

How long has she been getting free massages for?

[dias]

I am confused . I didn't know that you can go for a massage while being totally undressed. . I mean this is totally unacceptable. Ok the therapist is a jerk for sure but your girlfriend seems worse(no offence).

[Doc Blaze]

Yes this was done over a long period of time. She has been going to him for almost 5 years and she said she just started getting naked 4 months ago. He obviously has no problem being patient and he has molded the situation to make himself look innocent and for her to have consented to everything. He still took advantage of her trust in him as a professional.

 

 

has it always been free the whole time and who suggested the after hours appointments? did that change 4 months ago also?

[DancingFool]

Yes this was done over a long period of time. She has been going to him for almost 5 years and she said she just started getting naked 4 months ago. He obviously has no problem being patient and he has molded the situation to make himself look innocent and for her to have consented to everything. He still took advantage of her trust in him as a professional.

 

Well there you go. After 5 years, in her mind he is equivalent of grandpa - harmless and very very familiar. I mean she was a child when she first started going. In her shoes, you'd feel the same way if you are honest with yourself. So I hope that you do not judge her too harshly or question her judgment too much. When it comes to rape and all kinds of bad things, the absolute grand majority of crimes are committed by a person the victim was really close to, knew well, aka didn't expect anything bad from due to a long standing relationship and the resulting built up trust.

[bulletproof]

This begs the question that if he is not doing this for money then it is no longer professional and he has ulterior motives.

 

Maybe they're friends and he's been doing this for so long that he doesn't really have the "sensual" connection that you have with it.

I take off all my clothes for my massages in perfectly professional places. They put it out there as an option. According to your post, your gf decided to go nude.

I also don't see an issue with him accommodating her for her hours.

 

If this has been going on for five years and nothing's happened, my guess is that it's perfectly fine.

Do you not believe your gf is capable of rejecting any type of sexual advance?

What is it your worried about happening?

[Realitynut]

I am a massage therapist. I work alone. I have massaged guys late at night alone....but I have massaged them before. One guy I even went in a midnight to massage him. He worked until 11. He has wife and kids. I stay up late...and was doing nothing important! (usually on ena)

 

With that said, I NEVER let them go uncovered. I always want them naked (if possible) because I go up from the leg, over the glutes to the back with one glide. So naked is good, but I have the sheet over the other half of their body and tucked between the clients legs.

 

A few years ago, when I was trying hard to get clients, I advertised on craigslist....but not in the 'massage' cough cough section. It was a professional ad, my pic, my hours, and stated in big letters....THIS is a PROFESSIONAL massage, not SEXUAL. After the first guy came in and asked if I did happy endings.

 

Ok...to get back to op. A few of these guys came in and said that other therapist did them totally uncovered! What? I don't mind seeing a butt....but I don't want to look at their junk. They said they liked the feeling of being naked, but I insisted I put a Hand towel over that section. I did quite a few that way. ugh

 

But as time went on, I saw them less and less.....and now don't do any of "them" and haven't advertised for years.

 

Didn't bother me that she got her massages done late at night....but TOTALLY naked??? There is NO POINT in that. NONE. WHAT SO EVER. All 50 year old men like to look at 19 year old girls bodies. And even at 15 when he did this. He is grooming her....even if it is to 'touch her body naked'....yikes.

 

But when you got to the part where you said he did them for FREEE!!!!! No way Jose'.

 

There was not ONE thing...Not ONE....that screamed this is a professional way to massage your girlfriend.

 

I do a lot of massages at a discounted rate, but I would never give a free massage, unless he was my bf...or I was getting something out of it!!! Other than $$!

[rosephase]

She started seeing him five years ago? Is he a family friend? How did that set up happen? If she's been seeing him off hours and for free for five years there must be some connection. I've had incensed message therapist give messages while I was naked. He is a friend, it was off hours and it was free.

 

What is her connection to him? Why did she start seeing him?

[Omza]

I believe that at 19 she is a taxable young adult and she is at an age of accountability. Your concern should be more about her decision making quotient than the credibility of her masseuse.So if next time she decides to see a gynaecologist that has sex with with her would you also challenge his professionalism? Resolve the issues of boundaries and exclusivity with her or you'd soon be heart broken. Bless your heart!