How do you slowly build a relati without giving the whole girlfriend experience?

[mhowe]

For the 1,432 time ----- you cannot step back from a FWB to create a relationship.

 

Why ---- because there is no base.

He has fed you every line in the book and is now using the "in time" delay tactic.

 

YOU cannot change his behavior.

YOU can change yours.

 

Take sex off the table. See what happens. You get "casual sex dating with no sex". Which translates into ---- "see ya later".

[IAmFCA]

Yep, was planning to do that. But that doesn't change that when we see each other it'll still be the same. If anything it'll be more like FWB. So i'm wondering what I can do when we DO meet - less physical, more emotional sure, but any pointers/tricks/tips would be great.

 

 

It comes back to you, and how you focus your energy. When you are together, if you are drawn to him, that is on you. Either you force yourself to change your behavior, or you own it and go with it.

 

How do you change the dynamic when you are together? The easiest way is to ask a friend to help by hanging around, diluting your focus. The more substantive way is to spend some time alone finding ways to reinterpret what this situation represents to you. If you rethink it, you can frame it any way you like. For example:

 

A. OMG he totally lied. It IS FWB and he is just bs-ing me to keep me around.

B. Yeah, its cool. We like each other, but like, its no big deal.

C. He's a friend and all, but he just doesn't fit into my plan. I am really focused on my future right now, and he isn't a part of it, so I have just kind of lost track of him.

[Iggy5129]

You met him on Tinder, right?

 

I cannot for the life of me understand why people go on tinder, a well known HOOK UP app expecting to find a relationship? I have a friend who does this too. She's only on tinder, then complains that she's not finding a guy actually willing to start a relationship with her.

 

Don't meet men on Tinder, then act surprised when they only want FWB. You want a relationship, meet men on a more relationship oriented site.

 

You can't step back or change the dynamics of the relationship. It is what it is. Either you're ok with it and just go with the flow or you walk away because this arrangement is not what you want.

 

I'm not judging you or anything. I've been stupid and waited around for over a year hoping a guy would want more than just sex with me, but it never changed because that was what our relationship was. It wasn't going to change because the dynamic had been set.

 

Once again, I suggest you forget about this guy and find someone who wants the same thing you do.

[IAmFCA]

Well both our visions for the future are 'see how it goes'. So we're both kinda in the moment. Him because, well we can only assume. Me because I need to know him better first. So maintaining the respect is mt goal.

 

 

OK, if you read your thread, you will hear your own language beginning to shift.

 

If you are in the moment, then your focus on him will begin to decline. Because he is what you're having for dinner tonight, not what you are having for vacation in June.

[Flaneko]

For the 1,432 time ----- you cannot step back from a FWB to create a relationship.

 

Why ---- because there is no base.

He has fed you every line in the book and is now using the "in time" delay tactic.

 

YOU cannot change his behavior.

YOU can change yours.

 

Take sex off the table. See what happens. You get "casual sex dating with no sex". Which translates into ---- "see ya later".

 

I've heard of people developing relationships from FWB(my best friend did 2 days ago, funnily enough), and guys who turn around when you take away the B from FWB. No, I'm not hoping, but saying anything is possible and there is no written rule or scientific law. Can we move from that now?

 

I understand I can't change his behaviour, for the last time I'm asking how to change mine. What can I take away, what can I put in, etc. Taking sex off completely is risky - just like if you take it away from a boyfriend or husband. Yes FWB involves sex, but so do all relationships. If my plan of attack is 'wanna ? You gotta date me.', he can go somewhere else because if its only sex then he can get that elsewhere obviously. Hence taking away small parts of each of the girlfriend elements, not just sex.

 

(The guy didnt even expect sex today, either and even asked if it was okay cause we played around. If anything, he put the brakes on more than I did. I'm the idiot here, hence I'm here lol.)

[Flaneko]

It comes back to you, and how you focus your energy. When you are together, if you are drawn to him, that is on you. Either you force yourself to change your behavior, or you own it and go with it.

 

How do you change the dynamic when you are together? The easiest way is to ask a friend to help by hanging around, diluting your focus. The more substantive way is to spend some time alone finding ways to reinterpret what this situation represents to you. If you rethink it, you can frame it any way you like. For example:

 

A. OMG he totally lied. It IS FWB and he is just bs-ing me to keep me around.

B. Yeah, its cool. We like each other, but like, its no big deal.

C. He's a friend and all, but he just doesn't fit into my plan. I am really focused on my future right now, and he isn't a part of it, so I have just kind of lost track of him.

 

Thing is, I'm not focused on my future regarding him, just cruising along. I just don't want to waste my time on FWB because it as no growth. So I'm ensuring that it's either something that could grow, or I bounce (and I said that to him as well).

[Flaneko]

You met him on Tinder, right?

 

I cannot for the life of me understand why people go on tinder, a well known HOOK UP app expecting to find a relationship? I have a friend who does this too. She's only on tinder, then complains that she's not finding a guy actually willing to start a relationship with her.

 

Don't meet men on Tinder, then act surprised when they only want FWB. You want a relationship, meet men on a more relationship oriented site.

 

You can't step back or change the dynamics of the relationship. It is what it is. Either you're ok with it and just go with the flow or you walk away because this arrangement is not what you want.

 

I'm not judging you or anything. I've been stupid and waited around for over a year hoping a guy would want more than just sex with me, but it never changed because that was what our relationship was. It wasn't going to change because the dynamic had been set.

 

Once again, I suggest you forget about this guy and find someone who wants the same thing you do.

 

Yeah, Tinder's for hookups but in Japan it has a cleaner image. Tbh i used it for hooking, when i met him too i expected to just have a one night stand with him but a lot clicked. And there are people on there that genuinely want to meet people. Heck, two guys i met are still chasing me for something serious after 2 meetings, 2 months on.

 

I'm sorry to hear you waited a year. Thatls really stressful and really limits you.

 

I'm only gonna give it another month, and rather than wait i'll try an approach to build some base. Me and him were both too fast when we both wanted to take it slow, and that created an imbalance and confusion.

[Flaneko]

OK, if you read your thread, you will hear your own language beginning to shift.

 

If you are in the moment, then your focus on him will begin to decline. Because he is what you're having for dinner tonight, not what you are having for vacation in June.

 

Yeah, sorry I wasn't clear.

 

What i mean is, i'm not sitting thinking 'i want this guy to be my bf, i want to do this/that etc.'

 

Right now I just want to lay down a path for something with growth. So i told him, if its just FWB i really dont need it because its not a good use of my time.

 

So yes growth in the future, but not until i get a feel for whether its something that will have growth.

[reinventmyself]

I think all your questions are those of what you can do to change him, the dynamic or change what he's doing. You may not want to admit it . . but I hear you posturing.

 

The only thing in your power at this moment is to take care of yourself, period.

 

When you ask questions I get the sense that this feels like a chess game. "if I do this then will I get the desired response I am looking for?"

Speak honestly and respectfully about yourself and what you are willing to do to take care of yourself. That's all you can do and it's what you should learn to do going forward.

 

Tell him that this arrangement isn't working for you and that you need to step back and reevaluate. Tell him that you too want to take things slowly but ultimately you are looking for something that grows and matures into a relationship. It's the truth, own it and honor it.

Being coy about it and trying to be the casual girl when you aren't never works.

 

Honestly, I go into situations much like this where sex is something that transpires before true love and long term commitment comes into play. But what I do insist on is an agreement of monogamy until which time the two of us figure out if this has any substance or longevity.

I also add that I am a typical woman, where I am unable to separate my head from my body and like it or not, I am likely to get attached to someone I am being sexual with. Own it, honor it. Men will respect you for it.

 

You've come back with a lot of ideas on how to handle this. I think you already know.

If you need a push to do so, consider yourself pushed.

[Flaneko]

I think all your questions are those of what you can do to change him, the dynamic or change what he's doing. You may not want to admit it . . but I hear you posturing.

 

The only thing in your power at this moment is to take care of yourself, period.

 

When you ask questions I get the sense that this feels like a chess game. "if I do this then will I get the desired response I am looking for?"

Speak honestly and respectfully about yourself and what you are willing to do to take care of yourself. That's all you can do and it's what you should learn to do going forward.

 

Tell him that this arrangement isn't working for you and that you need to step back and reevaluate. Tell him that you too want to take things slowly but ultimately you are looking for something that grows and matures into a relationship. It's the truth, own it and honor it.

Being coy about it and trying to be the casual girl when you aren't never works.

 

Honestly, I go into situations much like this where sex is something that transpires before true love and long term commitment comes into play. But what I do insist on is an agreement of monogamy until which time the two of us figure out if this has any substance or longevity.

I also add that I am a typical woman, where I am unable to separate my head from my body and like it or not, I am likely to get attached to someone I am being sexual with. Own it, honor it. Men will respect you for it.

 

You've come back with a lot of ideas on how to handle this. I think you already know.

If you need a push to do so, consider yourself pushed.

 

This was a really great response and I really appreciate it.

 

My explanation of the whole thing at the start was quite poor - he'd only left my place a few hours ago and my head was all over the place, heh.

 

What i meant in the thread is what can -i- do, not how do i change him. Sorry for the confusion!

While we both take time to see where it goes, how can I reset the dynamic/stage basically, rather than throwing it away.

 

Pushing for monogamy may be a bit too much at this point, don't wanna scare the guy anymore than I did.

[IAmFCA]

Yeah, sorry I wasn't clear.

 

What i mean is, i'm not sitting thinking 'i want this guy to be my bf, i want to do this/that etc.'

 

Right now I just want to lay down a path for something with growth. So i told him, if its just FWB i really dont need it because its not a good use of my time.

 

So yes growth in the future, but not until i get a feel for whether its something that will have growth.

 

 

"if its just FWB"

 

The problem is, socially, we have lost touch with SO MANY CUES about forming relationships that everyone is floating about. OK, back to your situation, specifically.

 

He answered "its more than that" because "just FWB" implies an arrangement of disrespect, an arrangement of convenience. JUST FWB belittles FWB. FWB is what happens when neither one of you is what the other one is looking for in a LTR.

 

If you are truly friends, and you truly like your physical connection, and you could potentially see each other as a long term partner, then F + physical = relationship. It doesn't matter if you call it one, and it doesn't matter if you KNOW you are thinking about the future. If you keep messing around, the future will be here and you will still be involved in some way.

 

Therefore, I have a few things to offer you:

 

(1) If your most current posts are true, there is no problem here. Nobody can tell you whether we are building for the future, until they have been with you for a while and decided whether a relationship with a capital R is what they want. How involved you are up to that point is up to each of you. If you feel too involved, restore balance by spending more time focusing on anything other than him.

 

(2) If you want to create an opportunity for a future, behave with respect. Whatever that means in your environment is up to you: honesty and integrity tend to top the list anywhere. Integrity is often defined as internal and external consistency: what we say and what we do are equal. So, do what you say, say what you do. Refuse to hide your choices. If sleeping together means pretending to your friends that he went home, then don't do it.

 

(3) If you find this engagement with him frustrating, engage less. If it is satisfying, then let it be what it is today.

 

 

Sometimes, we ruin things by trying to know NOW what it WILL BECOME. That is impossible. If you feel insecure, then behave in a way that makes you proud of yourself and be secure in that. The rest is noise.

[IAmFCA]

This was a really great response and I really appreciate it.

 

My explanation of the whole thing at the start was quite poor - he'd only left my place a few hours ago and my head was all over the place, heh.

 

What i meant in the thread is what can -i- do, not how do i change him. Sorry for the confusion!

While we both take time to see where it goes, how can I reset the dynamic/stage basically, rather than throwing it away.

 

Pushing for monogamy may be a bit too much at this point, don't wanna scare the guy anymore than I did.

 

 

Who gives a damn whether you scare him off. He's not a freaking two year old. If you want monogamy, request it. If you don't get it, tell him to bugger off and you go get what you want. YOUR terms are only yours if you are willing to stand behind them.

[reinventmyself]

This was a really great response and I really appreciate it.

 

My explanation of the whole thing at the start was quite poor - he'd only left my place a few hours ago and my head was all over the place, heh.

 

What i meant in the thread is what can -i- do, not how do i change him. Sorry for the confusion!

While we both take time to see where it goes, how can I reset the dynamic/stage basically, rather than throwing it away.

 

Pushing for monogamy may be a bit too much at this point, don't wanna scare the guy anymore than I did.

Once again, posturing.

`If I say such and such, what reaction or response will I get?'

You need to be authentic and speak for yourself and take yourself.

 

You don't want to `push for monogamy, yet you don't want to be casual'

Step back and get clear on what you want, first.

You are contradicting yourself. Can you see that?

[Blue Spiral]

Who gives a damn whether you scare him off. He's not a freaking two year old. If you want monogamy, request it. If you don't get it, tell him to bugger off and you go get what you want. YOUR terms are only yours if you are willing to stand behind them.

 

And you can bet that his friends are telling him the same thing: push for sex-only, and if you don't get it, well, plenty of fish in the sea.

 

Ahh, modern relationships. Two parties acting purely in self-interest. I'm glad that people are finally seeing through this "romance" stuff, we're better off dealing with the reality...

[Flaneko]

"if its just FWB"

 

The problem is, socially, we have lost touch with SO MANY CUES about forming relationships that everyone is floating about. OK, back to your situation, specifically.

 

He answered "its more than that" because "just FWB" implies an arrangement of disrespect, an arrangement of convenience. JUST FWB belittles FWB. FWB is what happens when neither one of you is what the other one is looking for in a LTR.

 

If you are truly friends, and you truly like your physical connection, and you could potentially see each other as a long term partner, then F + physical = relationship. It doesn't matter if you call it one, and it doesn't matter if you KNOW you are thinking about the future. If you keep messing around, the future will be here and you will still be involved in some way.

 

Therefore, I have a few things to offer you:

 

(1) If your most current posts are true, there is no problem here. Nobody can tell you whether we are building for the future, until they have been with you for a while and decided whether a relationship with a capital R is what they want. How involved you are up to that point is up to each of you. If you feel too involved, restore balance by spending more time focusing on anything other than him.

 

(2) If you want to create an opportunity for a future, behave with respect. Whatever that means in your environment is up to you: honesty and integrity tend to top the list anywhere. Integrity is often defined as internal and external consistency: what we say and what we do are equal. So, do what you say, say what you do. Refuse to hide your choices. If sleeping together means pretending to your friends that he went home, then don't do it.

 

(3) If you find this engagement with him frustrating, engage less. If it is satisfying, then let it be what it is today.

 

 

Sometimes, we ruin things by trying to know NOW what it WILL BECOME. That is impossible. If you feel insecure, then behave in a way that makes you proud of yourself and be secure in that. The rest is noise.

 

#1 is probably it, but spending less time together doesnt change the actual relationship. He still gets it all, just less frequently solidifying it's just FWB. Aren't we meant to focus more on getting to know each other more, not simply reducing time spent together?

[Batya33]

#1 is probably it, but spending less time together doesnt change the actual relationship. He still gets it all, just less frequently solidifying it's just FWB. Aren't we meant to focus more on getting to know each other more, not simply reducing time spent together?

 

Why should someone have the privilege of getting to know you and spending time with you if he doesn't want the same things you want?

[Flaneko]

Who gives a damn whether you scare him off. He's not a freaking two year old. If you want monogamy, request it. If you don't get it, tell him to bugger off and you go get what you want. YOUR terms are only yours if you are willing to stand behind them.

 

I don't think pressure like 'be only with me even though you're not sure' would work. I would certainly say no to such a proposal, lol. It forces me to commit to something I don't even know if I want.

[Batya33]

I don't think pressure like 'be only with me even though you're not sure' would work. I would certainly say no to such a proposal, lol. It forces me to commit to something I don't even know if I want.

 

Of course you should never say that.

 

"We want different things. If you change your mind you can contact me and if I am still interested and available I will consider it. I want to move on so please don't contact me unless you change your mind."

 

I would not say that in anger at all - just direct and to the point with no apology.

[Flaneko]

Once again, posturing.

`If I say such and such, what reaction or response will I get?'

You need to be authentic and speak for yourself and take yourself.

 

You don't want to `push for monogamy, yet you don't want to be casual'

Step back and get clear on what you want, first.

You are contradicting yourself. Can you see that?

 

Posturing is not what I'm trying to do. Quite the opposite. I told him what I want and don't want, he was on the same page, I just need to know how to knock it down a notch so we can both see how it goes without losing it.

 

Monogamy is great once we decide commitment to each other is what we want. For now I just want to fix the wrong turn to FWB/casual.

[Batya33]

If being monogamous with you would make him "lose it" why bother?

[mhowe]

What is wrong with FWB/casual is that it is inherently NOT monogamous. And with the lack of commitment, comes lack of trust and true ability to build intimacy because you don't feel "secure". You feel like an option.

[Flaneko]

Of course you should never say that.

 

"We want different things. If you change your mind you can contact me and if I am still interested and available I will consider it. I want to move on so please don't contact me unless you change your mind."

 

I would not say that in anger at all - just direct and to the point with no apology.

 

I'd like to give it a good go with a clean, non-FWB approach for a bit before saying goodbye. That way we both see/show what we want before ending it. Yes people will probably say 'he just wants FWB' that's wht I'm steering from that to see what's there without us both ing it up.

[Batya33]

I'd like to give it a good go with a clean, non-FWB approach for a bit before saying goodbye. That way we both see/show what we want before ending it. Yes people will probably say 'he just wants FWB' that's wht I'm steering from that to see what's there without us both ing it up.

 

It's your time, your body, your heart/emotions. But please don't think of him as "using" you or as a "player" if you end up hanging around longer than you should and getting more attached/more hurt.

[Flaneko]

If being monogamous with you would make him "lose it" why bother?

 

If it's a good relationship away from FWB. My previous ex, i had zero interest in a relationship and was looking for physical stress release - him saying 'hey, let's give it a go' and constantly trying eventually won me over to the point where he became the love of my life, 'the one' (lol) so i've seen it from both sides.

[Flaneko]

It's your time, your body, your heart/emotions. But please don't think of him as "using" you or as a "player" if you end up hanging around longer than you should and getting more attached/more hurt.

 

Oh yes, absolutely. I'll try a different approach and take it as a valuable learning experience(because rather than just the possibility of success, the opportunity for learning is just as valuable), but I'll give up in a fair period of time.