How do you slowly build a relati without giving the whole girlfriend experience?

[Flaneko]

I think no answer is your answer.

 

At the very least, pull your emotions back since you're ready to be more commitTed to him than he is to you.

 

It's a difficult situation because we're young, impatient etc and skipped the slow dating stage that mature/good relationship starts have. We skipped the foundation and gave it all away. The good thing is he's mature and understanding. I am considering messaging him to just say 'I understand what you said and I had the same experience with my ex and it made me catious, so let's get to know each other slowly from now on' and then pulling back to give him time to make moves on his own. That'll be clear, rather than just suddenly going silent. Sound okay?

[Flaneko]

The point is ----- neither of you were cautious. I don't think he has any doubt what you want, and he doesn't want the same thing. And he is stringing you along because...he gets what he wants

 

Well exactly, yeah. I was too eager enjoying my time with him I realised too late how quickly we got so close. So I need to show that he won't be getting it unless we become a thing, but I still need to be able to take time to actually build something with him slowly which is what he wants.

[mhowe]

He isn't "mature and understanding". He is a college kid that is getting sex without commitment.

 

Why? Because that is what HE wants.

 

Your text will be pointless. He doesn't want a girlfriend. He wants casual sex. And it costs him an occasional dinner or shopping trip.

 

His reply will be "I thought that was what we were doing. Relax ---- "

[mhowe]

He did say 'I had a feeling you might bring this up' (in a light way) regarding checking whether we're just FWB or more. He said right now he just can't give me an answer because it's too soon.

 

This is HIM. He knows what he wants, and what you want. He won't be answering you until he graduates.

[IAmFCA]

It's a difficult situation because we're young, impatient etc and skipped the slow dating stage that mature/good relationship starts have. We skipped the foundation and gave it all away. The good thing is he's mature and understanding. I am considering messaging him to just say 'I understand what you said and I had the same experience with my ex and it made me catious, so let's get to know each other slowly from now on' and then pulling back to give him time to make moves on his own. That'll be clear, rather than just suddenly going silent. Sound okay?

 

Why message him?

 

Why not simply say This Tuesday doesn't work for me. How about Friday?

[Flaneko]

This is HIM. He knows what he wants, and what you want. He won't be answering you until he graduates.

 

You're assuming way too much. All the guy said is it's too fast, especially because he has reservations because of trauma from his last relationship. And as I said, I myself need more time too. We've only met 4 times in private - the other times were always with others where we both hide our 'relationship'.

 

All I'm asking is how to slow it down but still keep it progressing.

[Flaneko]

Why message him?

 

Why not simply say This Tuesday doesn't work for me. How about Friday?

 

As in, don't acknowledge it much further, just be less available? We're already like that. If anything, he's more available for me thab I am for him, even tells me his schedule etc and I keep my distance. I'll do that a bit better, be a little less in contact I guess.

 

The problem is when we do meet - be less touchy feely? Flirt but donlt kiss?

[mhowe]

I'm not assuming anything. I am reading YOUR words of what he has told you.

 

And it is abundantly clear that no matter how YOU frame it, he has what he wants and will not be "committing" anytime soon because HE doesn't have to.

He has given you every excuse in the book, and you are hearing what you want to hear.

 

He had "trauma". Please.

 

Oh --- you "hide" your relationship as well????!!!!

 

If it slowed down any more it would move backwards!

 

Any relationship that exists in secret is destined to fail. Is he ashamed of you? Embarassed?

[Flaneko]

I'm not assuming anything. I am reading YOUR words of what he has told you.

 

And it is abundantly clear that no matter how YOU frame it, he has what he wants and will not be "committing" anytime soon because HE doesn't have to.

He has given you every excuse in the book, and you are hearing what you want to hear.

 

He had "trauma". Please.

 

Oh --- you "hide" your relationship as well????!!!!

 

If it slowed down any more it would move backwards!

 

Any relationship that exists in secret is destined to fail. Is he ashamed of you? Embarassed?

 

Please calm down. Yes he has what we assume he wants. So do I. Each other's company, fun, care, sex, etc. I just want growth, and he's not ready quite yet but just wants more time. You can't expecr someone fresh out of being dumped suddenly to just commit again so soon, can you? So in that mean time, I just want to ask what I can change instead of continuing to give it to him.

 

We hide our relationship because we arenlt dating. It's not a good image if we're all over each other around everyone but not dating. It'll confuse everyone (already has). Hence i'm trying to take it out of it being a secret - eventually. I need time too, as I keep saying.

[mhowe]

You want a title. You want a timeline for a commitment.

You probably even want him to acknowledge you in public.

 

You aren't dating --- so, then you are just having sex without commitment.

 

You should probably read up on relationships and how the timeline works, because as you can see ---- your method doesn't produce the results you are looking for.

[Flaneko]

You want a title. You want a timeline for a commitment.

You probably even want him to acknowledge you in public.

 

You aren't dating --- so, then you are just having sex without commitment.

 

You should probably read up on relationships and how the timeline works, because as you can see ---- your method doesn't produce the results you are looking for.

 

I don't think you're understanding what I wrote.

 

I get the situation. I am asking how to fix it. Not assumptions about what he wants. I am also not talking about any timelines. As I said again, I need time just like he does. I'm not 100% ready either because it's all still fresh and confusing and in that confusion we both took it too far. I took a step back and realised going at this rate it won't become anything further. That's why I'm here. Because I realise we're probably at a dead end if we continue.

 

The simple question still stands regardless of everything. That question is : how do you take it back and take it slow from now, so it can grow.

[missmarple]

We hide our relationship because we aren't dating.

 

You aren't dating? I thought you were dating, just didn't have the bf/gf title. What are you supposed to be (for others)? Friends?

[Flaneko]

You aren't dating? I thought you were dating, just didn't have the bf/gf title. What are you supposed to be (for others)? Friends?

 

Yep, we both naturally turn off all flirting just so no comments/teasing is done as happens when drinking with friends lol.

[mhowe]

I don't think you're understanding what I wrote.

 

I get the situation. I am asking how to fix it. Not assumptions about what he wants. I am also not talking about any timelines. As I said again, I need time just like he does. I'm not 100% ready either because it's all still fresh and confusing and in that confusion we both took it too far. I took a step back and realised going at this rate it won't become anything further. That's why I'm here. Because I realise we're probably at a dead end if we continue.

 

The simple question still stands regardless of everything. That question is : how do you take it back and take it slow from now, so it can grow.

 

And the answer is ----- you don't.

You can limit how often you see him, you can take sex off the table ----- and what does that leave you with? Nothing.

[IAmFCA]

As in, don't acknowledge it much further, just be less available? We're already like that. If anything, he's more available for me thab I am for him, even tells me his schedule etc and I keep my distance. I'll do that a bit better, be a little less in contact I guess.

 

The problem is when we do meet - be less touchy feely? Flirt but donlt kiss?

 

I am losing track of what the problem is: your writing gives me the impression that you are more emotionally involved than he is, and that this difference is creating an imbalance of power. You asked for how to slow it down, how to pull back. You said you are together a couple of nights during the week, that he goes out drinking as part of your group of friends.

 

To take your emotions back a step, and to rebalance the dynamic, you need to have the power to cut him out of your schedule. If you already have that power, than use it. If you are already using it, use it one increment more.

 

There is nothing to discuss with him, because he doesn't have a problem to solve. You do. Withholding sex won't make him commit; withholding time won't make him commit. He isn't looking for or wanting to be available to someone in a way that might limit his flexibility.

 

HOWEVER, if you don't like the terms he is offering, than YOU have a problem to solve, which is How do I want to be available to this guy, in light of the terms he is offering? And adjust your behavior accordingly.

[missmarple]

Yep, we both naturally turn off all flirting just so no comments/teasing is done as happens when drinking with friends lol.

 

Now I get it. Well, I'm sorry to tell you but you are FWB...no matter what he says

[Flaneko]

And the answer is ----- you don't.

You can limit how often you see him, you can take sex off the table ----- and what does that leave you with? Nothing.

 

You're saying there's no way to step back when we both need time? That's it? It seems odd that the only choices are 'be fwb or end it'.

[IAmFCA]

Please calm down. Yes he has what we assume he wants. So do I. Each other's company, fun, care, sex, etc. I just want growth, and he's not ready quite yet but just wants more time. You can't expecr someone fresh out of being dumped suddenly to just commit again so soon, can you? So in that mean time, I just want to ask what I can change instead of continuing to give it to him.

 

We hide our relationship because we arenlt dating. It's not a good image if we're all over each other around everyone but not dating. It'll confuse everyone (already has). Hence i'm trying to take it out of it being a secret - eventually. I need time too, as I keep saying.

 

This is FWB; it just is. Whether it has a label or not, no matter. When your public and private persona don't agree, there is a lie/mistruth/misalignment in there somewhere. Here, it is that you are friends who have sex. The public persona is the friends; it would seem the sex is what is out of alignment.

 

You can't change it into something that has growth potential, because that requires two people, and he doesn't want that change to happen. You can't have what you want, with this guy, because you can't control him. "Growth" = future think. He wants none of that.

 

Here is what you have:

 

An intimacy with a guy, and it works in the present.

A friendship with that same guy, who therefore has plenty of insight into who you are and how you think.

A choice over how you are, how you treat him and others, and how you shape yourself and your future.

 

Trust that you are who you want to be, and let the chips fall where they may, when they may.

[Flaneko]

Now I get it. Well, I'm sorry to tell you but you are FWB...no matter what he says

 

Well sex isnt even the center of it, but its there. But yes I get it, so how do I get out of that zone? Haha

[mhowe]

FWB "relationship":

 

Based on physical, rather than emotional connection. check.

Hidden from friends/family. check.

Starts up quickly. check.

Not an official couple. check.

[missmarple]

Well sex isnt even the center of it, but its there. But yes I get it, so how do I get out of that zone? Haha

 

You did try to get out of the zone by talking to him. He wants to keep things as they are. All the rest is excuses.

[IAmFCA]

You're saying there's no way to step back when we both need time? That's it? It seems odd that the only choices are 'be fwb or end it'.

 

A relationship is a joint project, a team effort. You can't create a joint project unless both people on the project team want the same outcome. If your goal is something that is building to something else, you MIGHT have that here by accident, but you definitely do not have it here on purpose and it isn't available to you.

 

 

If you want it by accident, such that when he is ready he reflects back on his knowledge of you and thinks you might be good for him, then you need to treat yourself with respect, treat him with respect, and keep your behavior moderated so that it will stand up well to the harsh light of hindsight.

[Iggy5129]

People are answering you but you don't want to listen so you keep asking the same question over and over again.

 

The answer won't change, he does not want a relationship, you do. Why waste your time? You want to know how to not get hurt? Don't put yourself in a situation that is guaranteed to end badly.

[Flaneko]

I am losing track of what the problem is: your writing gives me the impression that you are more emotionally involved than he is, and that this difference is creating an imbalance of power. You asked for how to slow it down, how to pull back. You said you are together a couple of nights during the week, that he goes out drinking as part of your group of friends.

 

To take your emotions back a step, and to rebalance the dynamic, you need to have the power to cut him out of your schedule. If you already have that power, than use it. If you are already using it, use it one increment more.

 

There is nothing to discuss with him, because he doesn't have a problem to solve. You do. Withholding sex won't make him commit; withholding time won't make him commit. He isn't looking for or wanting to be available to someone in a way that might limit his flexibility.

 

HOWEVER, if you don't like the terms he is offering, than YOU have a problem to solve, which is How do I want to be available to this guy, in light of the terms he is offering? And adjust your behavior accordingly.

 

We both rushed into something, yet we both need time if we want to commit. We don't know each other well enough and our past experiences make us want to not just jump into something again asap.

 

The problem is we've given each other the bf/gf experience before committing - skipped a major step. We need to go back a step, but how we do that is hard.

 

So I guess more outings(less nights in where it may lead to sex), more talking(to get to know each other as people and get closer). Less generam meeting, more meaningful meeting?

[Flaneko]

FWB "relationship":

 

Based on physical, rather than emotional connection. check.

Hidden from friends/family. check.

Starts up quickly. check.

Not an official couple. check.

 

We didn't have sex til later on, not the first time. We spent 2 nights talking deeply in person and every day before and after the sex talking generally. Yes there are FWB elements. I am not denying that, for the last time