How do you slowly build a relati without giving the whole girlfriend experience?

[Flaneko]

You did try to get out of the zone by talking to him. He wants to keep things as they are. All the rest is excuses.

 

Well for now, yes. I don't expect the guy to fall in love with me overnight. But I'm also at fault for when we teased each other so much ot turned into sex a second time. So it's not like hels just sex hungry, we're both enjoying each other, just too much.

[mhowe]

Maybe an analogy will work:

 

 

You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

[mhowe]

Well for now, yes. I don't expect the guy to fall in love with me overnight. But I'm also at fault for when we teased each other so much ot turned into sex a second time. So it's not like hels just sex hungry, we're both enjoying each other, just too much.

 

More accidental sex!

 

Just make sure there is no accidental pregnancy!!!

[Iggy5129]

We both rushed into something, yet we both need time if we want to commit. We don't know each other well enough and our past experiences make us want to not just jump into something again asap.

 

The problem is we've given each other the bf/gf experience before committing - skipped a major step. We need to go back a step, but how we do that is hard.

 

So I guess more outings(less nights in where it may lead to sex), more talking(to get to know each other as people and get closer). Less generam meeting, more meaningful meeting?

 

No, end it and find someone who wants what you want. Are you listening to what we are saying?? No matter how long you wait he will keep putting it off. The relationship is not going to change no matter how much time passes. He is saying whatever he needs to keep the situation as it is.

[Flaneko]

This is FWB; it just is. Whether it has a label or not, no matter. When your public and private persona don't agree, there is a lie/mistruth/misalignment in there somewhere. Here, it is that you are friends who have sex. The public persona is the friends; it would seem the sex is what is out of alignment.

 

You can't change it into something that has growth potential, because that requires two people, and he doesn't want that change to happen. You can't have what you want, with this guy, because you can't control him. "Growth" = future think. He wants none of that.

 

Here is what you have:

 

An intimacy with a guy, and it works in the present.

A friendship with that same guy, who therefore has plenty of insight into who you are and how you think.

A choice over how you are, how you treat him and others, and how you shape yourself and your future.

 

Trust that you are who you want to be, and let the chips fall where they may, when they may.

 

Since we aren't official, we can't exactly announce it.

 

Yes this guy is thinking in the present - I never mentioned anything much to him and gave mixed signals myself because I tried to stay away from FWB but still stupidly involved sex in the relationship today. I don't expect him to suddenly see a future with me when we skipped so mant steps. So I had the talk with him, now I'm here to see what CAN be done.

[IAmFCA]

Since we aren't official, we can't exactly announce it.

 

Yes this guy is thinking in the present - I never mentioned anything much to him and gave mixed signals myself because I tried to stay away from FWB but still stupidly involved sex in the relationship today. I don't expect him to suddenly see a future with me when we skipped so mant steps. So I had the talk with him, now I'm here to see what CAN be done.

 

 

What can be done to achieve what? To change his mind? Nothing. You aren't a variable in his thought pattern, so changing your behavior won't affect his thought pattern.

[missmarple]

Well for now, yes. I don't expect the guy to fall in love with me overnight. But I'm also at fault for when we teased each other so much ot turned into sex a second time. So it's not like hels just sex hungry, we're both enjoying each other, just too much.

 

Noone says he only wants sex...at least, I never said that. He wants whatever he can get without having to commit. The talks? The talks. The teasing? The teasing. Dates? Dates. Sex? Sure, why not?

 

We both rushed into something, yet we both need time if we want to commit. We don't know each other well enough and our past experiences make us want to not just jump into something again asap

 

If you really believed that, you would have been on the exact same page and there would be no reason for this thread in the first place. Don't settle just to keep someone in your life.

[Flaneko]

People are answering you but you don't want to listen so you keep asking the same question over and over again.

 

The answer won't change, he does not want a relationship, you do. Why waste your time? You want to know how to not get hurt? Don't put yourself in a situation that is guaranteed to end badly.

I wasn'y clear in my original post and I apologize for that.

 

I'm the same as this guy in that I also need time and want to establish a good base. I was too in the moment, like him, to focus on that at the start. Just cause I said first 'hey, where are we heading?' and he said it's too soon, doesn't mean he's never gonna commit. I also think it's too soon but in the future it's possible I'll commit, or I won't. If he asked me what I asked him, I'd probably give the same answer and be the one being talked about as only wanting FWB despite we not wanting only that.

[Flaneko]

More accidental sex!

 

Just make sure there is no accidental pregnancy!!!

Uh no? I mentioned this on the first or second page. You replied to it. Please leave the thread if you're just going to act immature.

[Flaneko]

What can be done to achieve what? To change his mind? Nothing. You aren't a variable in his thought pattern, so changing your behavior won't affect his thought pattern.

 

Not change his mind, just give us both more time to take it slow without ending something really good(yes its good, its just ahead of what it should be). I want more time as well so I can be ready to commit. As I said, I'm in the same boat as him - what we have now is great but too soon to commit, but just giving too much already.

[mhowe]

I'm being totally serious.

 

Since the sex happens accidently, I certainly hope you are using birth control.

 

And the reason I pointed that out is that you seem to just move forward without thinking about the consequences.

 

Like having sex before you have developed any emotional connection.

[Flaneko]

Noone says he only wants sex...at least, I never said that. He wants whatever he can get without having to commit. The talks? The talks. The teasing? The teasing. Dates? Dates. Sex? Sure, why not?

 

 

 

If you really believed that, you would have been on the exact same page and there would be no reason for this thread in the first place. Don't settle just to keep someone in your life.

 

Talks dates etc - exactly, not just the sex. This is the girlfriend experience, and what I want to take a step back with. Just don't know how.

 

'If i really believed that' - i do, that's why i'm here. We both agree it's too soon - we're on the same page. But i don't know how to take it a step back now that we've established it's too soon.

[mhowe]

Tell him you will not have sex with him until he is willing to offer the boyfriend experience.

[IAmFCA]

Since we aren't official, we can't exactly announce it.

 

Yes this guy is thinking in the present - I never mentioned anything much to him and gave mixed signals myself because I tried to stay away from FWB but still stupidly involved sex in the relationship today. I don't expect him to suddenly see a future with me when we skipped so mant steps. So I had the talk with him, now I'm here to see what CAN be done.

 

 

 

This is a dynamic of your social environment. Just commenting - it made me laugh. You need neither to announce nor hide. Just be. If other people want to wonder what's the deal, let them. They don't have to know. Adults - meaning full grown, child bearing, working world adults - don't have this problem. We date people our friends know, or don't, and nobody really gives a darn. You two don't need to care either. When people ask, "Are you two a THING?", answer them with something meaningless. "I can neither confirm nor deny at this time." "My agent has requested that we not talk to the press." "Are you interested in dating him?" or go honest: "No, its just casual. I mean, we haven't been together long enough to know any different."

 

Draw boundaries of what is private and what is public. At the same time, govern yourself so that you are prepared to own publicly your choices.

[Flaneko]

I'm being totally serious.

 

Since the sex happens accidently, I certainly hope you are using birth control.

 

And the reason I pointed that out is that you seem to just move forward without thinking about the consequences.

 

Like having sex before you have developed any emotional connection.

 

I already replied re emotional connection. We spent a fair while talking about dreams, goald, memories, etc. When we stayed over the first time we didn't even kiss, didn't even get physical. Second time, we stayed up all night talking before it led anywhere physical.

[IAmFCA]

Not change his mind, just give us both more time to take it slow without ending something really good(yes its good, its just ahead of what it should be). I want more time as well so I can be ready to commit. As I said, I'm in the same boat as him - what we have now is great but too soon to commit, but just giving too much already.

 

Then let him have less of your calendar. Fewer texts, fewer phone calls, fewer group outings.

[Flaneko]

This is a dynamic of your social environment. Just commenting - it made me laugh. You need neither to announce nor hide. Just be. If other people want to wonder what's the deal, let them. They don't have to know. Adults - meaning full grown, child bearing, working world adults - don't have this problem. We date people our friends know, or don't, and nobody really gives a darn. You two don't need to care either. When people ask, "Are you two a THING?", answer them with something meaningless. "I can neither confirm nor deny at this time." "My agent has requested that we not talk to the press." "Are you interested in dating him?" or go honest: "No, its just casual. I mean, we haven't been together long enough to know any different."

 

Draw boundaries of what is private and what is public. At the same time, govern yourself so that you are prepared to own publicly your choices.

 

Haha, i get what you mean. What i mean is, we'd rather enjoy the time with friends than do things that would point to us. He's Japanese, we're in Japan, it's a big cultural thing not to show affection around groups.

[mhowe]

Honey ---- two evenings of talking isn't an emotional connection.

 

You have been "not dating" a month. Do you even know his middle name?

[IAmFCA]

I already replied re emotional connection. We spent a fair while talking about dreams, goald, memories, etc. When we stayed over the first time we didn't even kiss, didn't even get physical. Second time, we stayed up all night talking before it led anywhere physical.

 

Right: what you are describing is how it already FEELS like a gf/bf experience. As it should, based on how you know each other. You are friends, as most long lasting couples are, and you have physical chemistry, and you have emotional and physical intimacy. What you don't have is a common vision of the future. So you can't begin to invest in one together. If you are able to maintain a respect for one another, a future may become available in time.

[IAmFCA]

Haha, i get what you mean. What i mean is, we'd rather enjoy the time with friends than do things that would point to us. He's Japanese, we're in Japan, it's a big cultural thing not to show affection around groups.

 

Yes, that's true.

 

Do your shared friends know you have a more intimate relationship?

[Flaneko]

Then let him have less of your calendar. Fewer texts, fewer phone calls, fewer group outings.

Yep, was planning to do that. But that doesn't change that when we see each other it'll still be the same. If anything it'll be more like FWB. So i'm wondering what I can do when we DO meet - less physical, more emotional sure, but any pointers/tricks/tips would be great.

[mhowe]

](*,)](*,)

 

this is it, in a nutshell.

[Flaneko]

Right: what you are describing is how it already FEELS like a gf/bf experience. As it should, based on how you know each other. You are friends, as most long lasting couples are, and you have physical chemistry, and you have emotional and physical intimacy. What you don't have is a common vision of the future. So you can't begin to invest in one together. If you are able to maintain a respect for one another, a future may become available in time.

 

Well both our visions for the future are 'see how it goes'. So we're both kinda in the moment. Him because, well we can only assume. Me because I need to know him better first. So maintaining the respect is mt goal.

[Flaneko]

Yes, that's true.

 

Do your shared friends know you have a more intimate relationship?

 

I think they all realise haha.

[Flaneko]

](*,)](*,)

 

this is it, in a nutshell.

 

You're literally just clogging the thread now.

 

Got any pointers for taking a step back? No? Don't believe it's possible? Okay, you've made your point. Move on, save yourself and myself the frustration.