He suggested a threesome before even meeting me. Is it a red flag?

[superfan]

Personally I don't think he was out of line with the threesome comment. I think he reached the "out of line" part before that when he suggested that on your FIRST meet up you get into bed with one another.

 

His "cuddle buddy" comment would have put me right off as I would never feel comfortable with any kind of "sex talk" before I met the guy. That being said, you did respond with a somewhat encouraging flirty comment of "oooh we're talking dirty now" which probably made him feel comfortable enough to mention the threesome.

 

You were well within your right to say to him that you don't appreciate the suggestion, but it also isn't easy to see how he felt comfortable making the leap there in the first place. In the future, I would suggest shutting down ANY sex talk the moment it starts until you have met the guy and feel comfortable with that type of conversation.

 

For me, I would have said something after the cuddle buddy comment along the lines of "listen I am interested in meeting you but not talking about sex just yet." That way he knows that anything of the kind is inappropriate. If he continues, then you block him.

[greta96]

Damn but does this stupid pick-up line really work?? I can't believe there are some women who even enjoy this approach. Their self esteem must be ZERO.

 

Yes, it does. I have seen it with my own eyes, a few times. I have known women who were like this, and I have had good male friends tell me stories.

I don't know why they can't tell the difference, I have never sexted either (I hate the concept of sexting!) but that didn't prevent them from approaching me in the same manner yours did. I agree it's gross, but there's not much to do about it other than block and move on. Very disheartening for sure...

[annie24]

Like I said in my post, I haven't met him and I won't meet him because his joke is just disrespectful. If he likes threesomes okay, it's his life and I won't judge him for That. What I find disturbing is a guy who makes this kind of joke to someone he doesn't even know. Supposing that I had the opportunity to be in a relationship with such a man, two questions would Come to mind :

 

1. Do I really want to be with a man who wants threesomes in a relationship?

2. Do I really want to be with a man who jokes about that with a stranger in the internet?

 

That's why I was automatically turned off by it and decided to stop talking to him. I can't be with such a man and I don't feel like meeting such a man in person.

 

Like RN said, I was mainly curious why you were still talking to him for 2 months? In my experience, a man who is genuinely looking for a relationship will ask you out for coffee or drinks in a week or two. Maybe 3 if it is long distance. 2 months chatting sounds more like it's a fun hobby for him. Most guys have asked me out within 4 or so emails. If they take longer than that.... meh. Usually they don't want anything serious.

[Blue Spiral]

It's a sex test. A growing number of men use it to "next" women.

 

I've been doing something similar for over fifteen years, so I started long before it was cool--though, for me, it isn't a test. It's just how I am. I always mention something sexual within the first five minutes, and it has the happy side-effect of helping me weed out non-ideal women.

 

When you think about it, I'm sort of a trailblazer/prototype for my gender. I'm available to answer any questions you might have about us!

[gingervixen]

It's a sex test. A growing number of men use it to "next" women.

 

I've been doing something similar for over fifteen years, so I started long before it was cool--though, for me, it isn't a test. It's just how I am. I always mention something sexual within the first five minutes, and it has the happy side-effect of helping me weed out non-ideal women.

 

When you think about it, I'm sort of a trailblazer/prototype for my gender. I'm available to answer any questions you might have about us!

 

So in the end were you only looking for sex or for a relationship?

What kind of woman were you exactly trying to weed out?

[Blue_Skirt]

What kind of woman were you exactly trying to weed out?

I am sure Blue Spiral would weed out women like me who are not interested in purely sexual encounters and who push the “next” button if men make sexual comments in the first 5 minutes.

[gingervixen]

Personally I don't think he was out of line with the threesome comment. I think he reached the "out of line" part before that when he suggested that on your FIRST meet up you get into bed with one another.

 

His "cuddle buddy" comment would have put me right off as I would never feel comfortable with any kind of "sex talk" before I met the guy. That being said, you did respond with a somewhat encouraging flirty comment of "oooh we're talking dirty now" which probably made him feel comfortable enough to mention the threesome.

 

You were well within your right to say to him that you don't appreciate the suggestion, but it also isn't easy to see how he felt comfortable making the leap there in the first place. In the future, I would suggest shutting down ANY sex talk the moment it starts until you have met the guy and feel comfortable with that type of conversation.

 

For me, I would have said something after the cuddle buddy comment along the lines of "listen I am interested in meeting you but not talking about sex just yet." That way he knows that anything of the kind is inappropriate. If he continues, then you block him.

 

When we were making plans for meeting, he suggested going out for dinner and drinks after. I know many men expect sex after that, so I told him "Hey, I gotta make it clear I am not looking for a hookup" and he said "What? I am just trying to get to know you better! It's not like I have ulterior motives or anything!". So well HE KNEW IT ALREADY that I didn’t want sex.

 

When he joked about the cuddle buddy thing, I found it tacky but I didn’t freak out because he likes to tease. So that's why I replied that way. I didn't think he would go that far because I had already told him I didn’t want casual sex. I don't know why men act this way to women who have made it clear they don't want NSA relationships.

[reinventmyself]

When meeting or chatting with a man from OLD I am very much on the look out for how long it takes them to bring up something sexual. Geeez, I think we get desensitized by it at some point but it's a good reminder that men who have good intentions don't play that card so brazenly or that quickly.

 

I met one guy one evening and within an hour he brought up sex twice in a joking, playful way. Don't get me wrong, I have a good sense of humor but I think I know the difference when a man is testing me or he is joking.

 

Pass!

[gingervixen]

When meeting or chatting with a man from OLD I am very much on the look out for how long it takes them to bring up something sexual. Geeez, I think we get desensitized by it at some point but it's a good reminder that men who have good intentions don't play that card so brazenly or that quickly.

 

I met one guy one evening and within an hour he brought up sex twice in a joking, playful way. Don't get me wrong, I have a good sense of humor but I think I know the difference when a man is testing me or he is joking.

 

Pass!

 

You know what makes me sad though? He was one of the few men I have met who understood and appreciated my sense of humor and with whom I had a mental and intellectual connection. Such a waste. I am still upset about this tbh.

[Blue Spiral]

So in the end were you only looking for sex or for a relationship?

 

I thought I was looking for a relationship, but I really just wanted sex.

 

What kind of woman were you exactly trying to weed out?

 

Any that weren't sex-positive, so to speak.

[gingervixen]

I thought I was looking for a relationship, but I really just wanted sex.

 

 

 

Any that weren't sex-positive, so to speak.

 

All women are sex positive in a way that they want to have sex, eventually or right now. Don't get me wrong, you weren’t weeding out those who weren’t sex "positive", you were weeding out those who wouldn't have sex when you wanted them to.

[Blue Spiral]

All women are sex positive in a way that they want to have sex, eventually or right now. Don't get me wrong, you weren’t weeding out those who weren’t sex "positive", you were weeding out those who wouldn't have sex when you wanted them to.

 

Maybe I should've said "any that weren't libertine" or "any that weren't immediately into me".

[gingervixen]

Maybe I should've said "any that weren't libertine" or "any that weren't immediately into me".

 

Now tell me, why would a man insist on having a hookup with a girl , when this girl has already made it clear she doesn't want casual sex?

 

Did he think I was playing hard to get? Damn it... If he thought so, he's a little naive.

[mhowe]

The guy who is the subject of your thread is not naive. He wanted to know if sex was on the table and when he found out it was only dessert, he bailed.

[Realitynut]

I just looked at my OKCupid....and some guy (who I've never messaged) just asked me this: do you have any experience with dominance and submission?

 

He's 61 years old!!! I expect him and Blue Spiral would get along great!!!

[gingervixen]

I just looked at my OKCupid....and some guy (who I've never messaged) just asked me this: do you have any experience with dominance and submission?

 

He's 61 years old!!! I expect him and Blue Spiral would get along great!!!

 

 

There are too many creeps and perverts there, that's why I gave up online dating.

 

But you know, this guy you mentioned at least has one specific target - BDSM. It's not like he's disrespecting you or making fun of you - ok, he likes rough stuff but at least he is being honest about that. I just ignore this type of message, tbh.

 

HOWEVER, what does piss me off is when a man, like this lawyer I had been chatting, says "It's not like I have ulterior motives here!" and one month later is suggesting a threesome and then saying it's only a joke. Do they think I am really this dumb?

[annie24]

In the future, I would not invest months chatting with a man online. Talk on the phone early on, meet for coffee. If there's a spark, great! If not, move on.

[IAmFCA]

In the future, I would not invest months chatting with a man online. Talk on the phone early on, meet for coffee. If there's a spark, great! If not, move on.

 

Absolutely right.

[gingervixen]

In the future, I would not invest months chatting with a man online. Talk on the phone early on, meet for coffee. If there's a spark, great! If not, move on.

 

I agree.

 

And i wouldn't have invested MONTHS if he hadn't cancelled plans when we first decided to hang out.

[annie24]

I agree.

 

And i wouldn't have invested MONTHS if he hadn't cancelled plans when we first decided to hang out.

 

yeah, that sucks too. That sounds to me like a guy who is not interested in meeting. unless you want a 3some, then he is interested in meeting.

[gingervixen]

yeah, that sucks too. That sounds to me like a guy who is not interested in meeting. unless you want a 3some, then he is interested in meeting.

 

Perhaps he canceled because it was a lunch date. Lunch date = no sex = no meeting.

[IAmFCA]

On line is funny. People will message and never advance past that. Now that I have a sharper sense for who I want, I have little interest in messages. Im like, "are you human? Let's meet." The rest is just noise to me.

[Blue Spiral]

I just looked at my OKCupid....and some guy (who I've never messaged) just asked me this: do you have any experience with dominance and submission?

 

He's 61 years old!!! I expect him and Blue Spiral would get along great!!!

 

That...is not a question I would ever ask, thank you.

[Realitynut]

So sorry Blue Spiral....Just kidding. Really. And who really knows...maybe the guy who hinted at a threesome was kidding also...but he certainly wasn't joking about wanting a cuddle buddy.

 

I have to admit...I'm talking to a guy on Cupid that might be ok. He's going through a divorce and just got on 2 days ago. I haven't asked anything about it...if they are still living together or not. Heck...I'm just going thru a breakup. Only been a few days....so we can cry on each other's shoulders. He said they were married for 5...together for 15, and she had become a recluse. He said she was a sweet person, but just weren't in love anymore. He said he was wanting to become more social...and was looking forward to it.

 

He's 50, decent looking, and we emailed last night and today. Not one sexual thing popped up! Oh...I did tell him about the guy who asked about dominance and submission. He said there should be a way to block those things. He said he's not smart, computer wise. He likes to go hiking. He asked me out for a drink...and I said I'd rather go hiking. So we're gonna hike Sunday at a park close by! 44 degrees out....I'm excited. Ya gotta grab 'em when they're hot off the fire...

[catfeeder]

I don't understand what kept a preoccupation with this guy alive for months without meeting?

 

There are millions of people in the world. When some stranger online throws up an enticing picture (of anyone, who knows?) but thwarts meeting and says bizarre stuff, you get to pick how much of your time and focus you'll want to waste on that.