How do I bring it up?

[SlightlyLost]

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 months, and things have been going relatively swimmingly for the most part. In the last few weeks though, he has been getting progressively distant. This may have to do with a lot of factors (like the stress of working every day, gloomy winter weather, etc.) but my silly brain likes to come to the worst conclusions and I checked his phone to see if he was flirting with any other women. While I didn't find anything too major in his text messages, I *did* find naked photos of a woman he was in love with prior to meeting me. (I should note that he told me that she and him have never had sex.)

 

I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and just assume that he forgot the pictures were on his phone.. but I still am itching to hear his reasoning.

 

How do I bring this up without telling him I went through his phone? I wouldn't break up with him over the photos, but I would lose his trust if I told him what I did..

 

PS - perhaps I should also note that I found naked photos of another one of his ex's in the drawer of our bedside table. He has never told me about her. The photos are dated from 4 years ago, so I can't be that upset.. But I figured this might add more context, perhaps~

[jobelle]

You say you've been living with him for 3 months. But how long have you been together? Why aren't you discussing these things with him? In a relationship you should be able to discuss your fears with him, and ask him why he's acting distant and where you have him at.

 

Not sure what the best thing to do regarding the pics is. I don't judge you for snooping but you were playing with fire. Hope someone here has good advice for you.

[Waraqqa]

That's the problem with snooping through someone's private space like phones or reading their diaries - even if you find something, you can't bring it up. Well, you can, you are a free human being, but then be prepared for the consequences. I would not be thrilled if my significant other went through my phone, and you are right about the trust issue. Even though I have nothing to hide. But even if I did, you know some things are private. I'm not even really sure whether that photo means anything specific since he is with you. I don't know. But even if it did, you are in a catch-22, b/c by confronting him about that you automatically have to confront yourself (and have him confront you) about the phone.

[Batya33]

I don't think you can say anything because you violated his privacy. Rather, address the actual issues you see in a way that you think he would be receptive to.

[Starseed98]

When you go looking for trouble, you usually find it.

[SlightlyLost]

I realized while reading my original post that I wasn't clear about something. The naked photos of the first woman were pictures taken by him, and she is in his bed. There are upwards of 15 photos. That's why I wonder if he's telling me the truth about them never having had sex before.

 

If it was just a picture that she sent him, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

 

This is a woman he sent texts like "thinking about you so hard " late at night when we first began seeing each other. As far as I know, they haven't spoken since I moved in. I still don't think she knows about me.

 

I've always thought we had pretty good communication up to this point. I *did* ask him why he was acting distant and he said that he didn't notice a shift in his behaviour. That's why I succumbed to snooping

[jobelle]

This is a woman he sent texts like "thinking about you so hard " late at night when we first began seeing each other.

 

No wonder you're insecure. Were you supposed to be exclusive at that point?

 

15+ naked pics of someone... they probably did sleep together.

 

I don't have enough details about your relationship (does he show affection? does he love you? etc) but the pics and the message are huge red flags to me. Also, trust your gut feeling. If you feel that he's distant, that's because he probably is - and saying that he didn't notice a shift is not a good excuse or explanation... he is not addressing the issue and if he wants to work on the relationship he should be actively trying to soothe you at this point.

[Lightattheend1]

I'd leave it alone...but continue to peak.

 

I might bring up something like...do you think it's ok to talk with an ex while living with someone or being in a relationship...

[Ms Darcy]

When you go looking for trouble, you usually find it.

 

My thoughts exactly.