Is my girlfriend Restrictive/Controlling?

[compwhiz345]

Hey everyone,

 

It's been a while since I have been on here, but I needed to come on and ask for some advice.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend since this last summer, and everything started out fine. She had told me that I was her first boyfriend ever, and that things would need to be taken slow because she was new to everything, and that everything we would experience together (kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc) would be the first time she has ever done it. I had no problem with that, I've been there and done that. Over the course of the last five months or so, several things have happened that have made me rethink my decision to date her:

 

1. She wants "just us" time still.
   
2. I see her maybe once a week (If I'm lucky).
   
3. She thinks that her family absolutely needs her all of the time. (Ex. She makes her father and brother's lunches every morning)
   
4. She doesn't want to be intimate in private (non-sexual), it's still "too soon" for her.
   
5. She's not willing to drive anywhere, I have to come pick her up for dates.
   
6. I have not met her family for more than 20 minutes over the 3 months.
   
7. She has only met my family once, and she freaked out when I told her that we going out for dinner the first time she met them. Since then, she has not seen my family, and will not come over to our house.
   
8. She needs constant reassurance that I want to date her.
   
9. She stresses out like crazy.
   
10. She is more afraid of disappointing her family, than losing our relationship.
    
11. She acts like a child.
    
12. Thinks that arguing in a relationship "means you care".
    
13. Always has to have her arm interlocked in mine when walking.
    
14. She thinks that the political views are absolutely important in when determining the right partner.
    
15. She is always worried about her self-image.
    
16. When I try to help her, she freaks out and tells me that she doesn't need my help. She just wants a boyfriend that is going to sit there, be quiet, and listen.
    
17. She is very emotional and stresses out easily, then brings it into our relationship.
    

 

Over the weekend, I attempted to explain these things to her and how I felt. After four months, I asked her one simple question, "where would you like to see our relationship to go?" She said I don't know. I then didn't text or answer calls from her for three days. Her response was "Why are you texting me after three days of ignoring me?" and "I will not tolerating being put on hold for so long from any boyfriend I date."

 

I am overthinking this just a little, or is my girlfriend really restrictive/controlling?

[mhowe]

Restrictive, controlling, immature and not remotely ready for a relationship.

[Andrina]

Well, you listed 17 bad things and not one good thing. The purpose of dating is to see who is right for you and who isn't. Obviously if you're thinking it's been a mistake to date, then it won't be devastating to lose her from your life. Everyone has minor flaws, but if there are major flaws that are deal breakers, it's best to end things and keep dating until you find someone who meets all of your main needs and lacks deal breakers. She possesses many things on the list that I would see as a deal breaker in someone I was dating. A lack of time spent together. Making others a priority over you when it's unnecessary. Arguing too much instead of constructive communication. Yeah, I'd move on.

[melancholy123]

OMG she is beyond immature. How old are you two? I'd dump her rather than put up with her nonsense.

[Hollyj]

Time to move on. She is incapable of a relationship.

 

Hw old is she?

[compwhiz345]

For those of you that are asking, I'm 26, she's 23.

[compwhiz345]

I talked to a few friends, and they think that I might be pushing her too fast, too soon. However, some of my other friends think that there is a reason behind why she is still afraid or still this resistant after only four months and after telling me that she feels safe with me. If she feels so safe, why is she not willing to have privacy with me?

 

I think that I'm mostly p'd off because I didn't recognize the signs before I started to develop "some" feelings for her.

[mfan]

I have a feeling a lot of her opinions are based on bad, cliche'd advice that she's gotten from her friends and low-quality women's magazines. She is going to have to learn to think independently if she's going to have a successful relationship, and your future with her depends whether you feel like she's progressing in that department. You said she acts like a child; do you see signs that she is doing things more maturely now than earlier?

[Hollyj]

For those of you that are asking, I'm 26, she's 23.

 

No offense, but I thought she was about 17.

 

I think that the majority of your points would be deal breakers for most.

[mfan]

In defense of your girlfriend I would like to point out that:

(#1.She wants "just us" time still plus #2. You see each other only once a week) doesn't seem unreasonable - can you clarify what is the issue there? If I only saw my significant other once a week, I'd want to maximize quality time together

 

#4 is not unexpected given her level of experience

 

#13 sounds very traditional and conservative, but not sure it's a result of immaturity

 

#14 sounds reasonable; not everyone will agree with this but it doesn't sound restrictive or controlling.

 

However: Some of the other problems seem to be unrelated to restrictiveness/controllingness but are still very problematic and unlikely to improve over time, including #5, 9, 11, 12, 15, 16, 17.

 

And #3 just boggles my mind: does she have very traditional values and thinks it's a woman's role to make sandwiches for men every day? This one is very strange. It seems indicative of her general attitude towards traditions and stereotypes.

[catfeeder]

The whole point of dating is to figure out whether someone is a good match, and most people are NOT. That's why we keep dating until we find the right match rather than contorting to try to make a bad fit 'work'.

 

With millions of people in the world, our odds of landing on the right match straight off the bat are pretty low. I'd skip doing pretzels and allow wrong matches to pass early. That's the only way to allow yourself to meet the RIGHT one someday.

[Blue_Skirt]

I smiled when I read nr. 13 on your list:

13. Always has to have her arm interlocked in mine when walking.

I LOVE to walk hand in hand when I am in a relationship and when it gets colder outside, yes I will interlock my arm in his, I would have a hard time if my SO would not want that. But all the other points on your list would be a turn off for me.

[compwhiz345]

I'm not saying that she isn't a great girl, she's just insecure and a bit lost about who she is and is interdependent right now.

[compwhiz345]

The whole point of dating is to figure out whether someone is a good match, and most people are NOT. That's why we keep dating until we find the right match rather than contorting to try to make a bad fit 'work'.

 

With millions of people in the world, our odds of landing on the right match straight off the bat are pretty low. I'd skip doing pretzels and allow wrong matches to pass early. That's the only way to allow yourself to meet the RIGHT one someday.

 

The thing is...I really thought she was a good match and that we were a "good fit" for each other. What do you mean by doing pretzels?

[compwhiz345]

The whole point of dating is to figure out whether someone is a good match, and most people are NOT. That's why we keep dating until we find the right match rather than contorting to try to make a bad fit 'work'.

 

With millions of people in the world, our odds of landing on the right match straight off the bat are pretty low. I'd skip doing pretzels and allow wrong matches to pass early. That's the only way to allow yourself to meet the RIGHT one someday.

 

Oh, I love that she holds my hand and interlocks her arm in mine, but I recently read an article that said that women do that to show that you they are with someone or to she that you are hers, because controlling women have insecurities.

[compwhiz345]

Restrictive, controlling, immature and not remotely ready for a relationship.

 

You think I should let it go, huh?

[compwhiz345]

Well, you listed 17 bad things and not one good thing. The purpose of dating is to see who is right for you and who isn't. Obviously if you're thinking it's been a mistake to date, then it won't be devastating to lose her from your life. Everyone has minor flaws, but if there are major flaws that are deal breakers, it's best to end things and keep dating until you find someone who meets all of your main needs and lacks deal breakers. She possesses many things on the list that I would see as a deal breaker in someone I was dating. A lack of time spent together. Making others a priority over you when it's unnecessary. Arguing too much instead of constructive communication. Yeah, I'd move on.

 

While this may be true, I have been told that I can sometimes jump to conclusions. Maybe she's just needs more time to figure her issues out?

[compwhiz345]

Time to move on. She is incapable of a relationship.

 

Hw old is she?

 

I don't think she is incapable of a relationship, I'm just the first one she has "apparently" ever had. I just don't have time to teach her everything, when you're in relationship, she learn to just go flow with the flow and pick things up along the way.

[compwhiz345]

I have a feeling a lot of her opinions are based on bad, cliche'd advice that she's gotten from her friends and low-quality women's magazines. She is going to have to learn to think independently if she's going to have a successful relationship, and your future with her depends whether you feel like she's progressing in that department. You said she acts like a child; do you see signs that she is doing things more maturely now than earlier?

 

See, that's what I though when as asked some of my females friends, but she has told me that she is having a difficult time letting go her childhood self and moving into her adulthood. The thing is, I had to do that very young and I lived on my own already. She has done none of these things so far, so maybe she has been shelter more than she needed to?

[compwhiz345]

No offense, but I thought she was about 17.

 

I think that the majority of your points would be deal breakers for most.

 

Nope, but she does often refer to herself has still having the personality of a 16 year old, from time to time.

[compwhiz345]

In defense of your girlfriend I would like to point out that:

(#1.She wants "just us" time still plus #2. You see each other only once a week) doesn't seem unreasonable - can you clarify what is the issue there? If I only saw my significant other once a week, I'd want to maximize quality time together

 

#4 is not unexpected given her level of experience

 

#13 sounds very traditional and conservative, but not sure it's a result of immaturity

 

#14 sounds reasonable; not everyone will agree with this but it doesn't sound restrictive or controlling.

 

However: Some of the other problems seem to be unrelated to restrictiveness/controllingness but are still very problematic and unlikely to improve over time, including #5, 9, 11, 12, 15, 16, 17.

 

And #3 just boggles my mind: does she have very traditional values and thinks it's a woman's role to make sandwiches for men every day? This one is very strange. It seems indicative of her general attitude towards traditions and stereotypes.

 

Seeing each other in small spurts of time may not seem unreasonable, but it does seem that way to me. I want to be able to grow something and I cannot do that if our entire relationship is either on the phone or through text messages. In the time that we do not see each other, we text everything. For example, my text count was 6,400 last month. I like that she is conservative, I do not want a woman that is going to flaunt herself around other men. As for the politics, she is very passionate about her thoughts and opinions. However, I just don't want our attractiveness to get screwed up because we might have different view points about certain things. Like I said, she thinks that arguing means "You care". I think arguing causes more problems and means that there is conflict in the relationship, which is something that I would like to avoid.

[compwhiz345]

Update:

 

I called her earlier today, because I have said or text very little in the last few days for both self-reflection of my own and Christmas preparation. She hasn't not called me yet...was it weak of me to even have called her after all of this?

[mhowe]

Nope, but she does often refer to herself has still having the personality of a 16 year old, from time to time.

 

She has the maturity of a 12 year old. Save yourself some headaches and return her to the playground.

[catfeeder]

The thing is...I really thought she was a good match and that we were a "good fit" for each other. What do you mean by doing pretzels?

 

Doing pretzels means contorting your mind or your behavior 'around' incompatibility.

 

People show us who they are, it's up to us to believe it.

[compwhiz345]

She has the maturity of a 12 year old. Save yourself some headaches and return her to the playground.

 

 

That's true, but I did start the no contact for three days. The weird thing is that she started to confess her feelings to me really early in the relationship, and then she up and decides that because I didn't respond back that she should just end it. So much for "having lovable feelings" for me.