theREALdusman Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hey guys, This is my first post on here...well anywhere really. I'll give you guys the short version... Basically, I've been with the love of my life for the past 8 years, prior to that we've been close friends for like 6 years, so we've always had a strong foundation. Recently at the start of September this year, she tells me out of the blue that she doesn't love me anymore, and as you can imagine it has just shredded my heart and soul, especially when I tried my best to try and get her to just sit down with me and talk it through, when she then said that if she ever decided to have a relationship and kids it won't be with me...I won't lie, I felt like dying when she told me that. I know relationships can get a bit dull at times, particularly when you both are working towards a better life together, you're going to have ups and downs on the way, that's why they say "for better or worse" because I feel that if you truly love someone and are committed 110% you'll do whatever it takes no matter what, and we've always been done that in the past. To be honest there was really no reason for her to do what she's done here, apart from the fact that she's been influenced a lot her boss and work colleagues, which had explained her new personality change which i know is not the real her, and I know the real her would never say the things she did when she broke up with me...she just isn't being her true self now and this new persona she has now it's not a good one...she's definitely not being the woman that I know and love... So since this nightmare has started I've been on researching everything about these things; youtube, google, forums etc, and I was in the "No Contact" period in the beginning, until she started sending me pointless texts and she even tried to be just friends and I basically told her that I can't just be friends with her because my love for her is so deep at this point. She's been i guess hot and cold since then, and every time we texted it was very nice, but whenever I attempted to come closer a bit she would get cold again. So moving on a bit, about 2 weeks ago, i tried reaching out one last time and it was good at first again, then she got cold again...then I had enough of it and I just told her in black and white that she knows how I feel about her and that I want to be with only her and start a family with her and have a great life together, and that she shouldn't call or text me unless she wants to talk about us getting back together, because she needs to know that she can't have her cake and eat it too. It's either all of me, or none of me, she can't have it both ways...which is why we can't be just friends, because she knows how committed I am to her. I guess now we're both needing some space... I knew she wouldn't like that but she needs to know that I'm not going to be her plan B if she feels the grass is not greener, which i think never is anyway. So anyway, she text me back saying that she doesn't love me anymore and that I find someone else and that I should block her from everything...I could tell there was a lot of anger in her text, but she doesn't like to hear the truth and she knows what she's doing is wrong but she's just allowed herself to be this cold and distant person and I can't do anything except continue with my no contact. But at least she knows how I feel, and have always felt about her and I won't settle for anything less. Sooo that's the short version...so today I noticed on my Facebook that she has unfriended me. I haven't blocked her from anything by the way, Ive just been maintaining no contact rule since. She still has my sister on her friends list and I know she likes and comments on her photos, but even my sister sees how stupid she's being and has backed off more. And i know she secretly been checking in on me from time to time. I just like to know, if she's unfriended me, would it be a bad move for me to send her a friend request? Should she be the one to send the request?? And also, should she be the one to initiate contact from this point??? Is her unfriending me her way of giving herself space???? I know in some people's cases the dumpee reaches out more and things get back again, but I think in my situation it would have to be her to makes the effort if she really loves me, especially after I told her that the only reason to call or text me is because she wants to get back together. Sorry I know it's a long post guys, but yeh I've been in recovery since September 4 until this day and it is getting easier, I've been getting in shape..lost 8 kilos in 7 weeks, just trying to stay focused on me and my goals and stuff...but yeh, just deep down I know in my core that she's the only one I want to be with and I know the real her wants to come back but she's just forcing herself to stick with her choice and I'm noticing things seem to be getting a bit hard for her, which i guess is not my concern now, but yeh I just love her so much and worry about her. So yeh, any advice on these questions would be great. I didn't realise there are so many people out there that are going through heartache like this and it's a shock when you become part of that group of people, but it's has helped me heaps so any advice you guys have I really appreciate. Thanks guys. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Yes, it would be a bad idea. She is trying to get away from you...not be your friend. Recovery from what? How old are you and your ex? Link to comment
JustWishing Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Question: You know her for this long and you two never talked about marrying her? 2nd. Do not send her a friends request. That would show her that you are not respecting her decision. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 and that she shouldn't call or text me unless she wants to talk about us getting back together, ^ there ya go. She clearly does NOT want to get back together, that's why she deleted you off Facebook. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Ugh no. She's already said she's not interested in a relationship with you, life was SOOO much easier without stupid Facebook Link to comment
Feast Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I think you've done all you can. Telling her it's either on or off was the right move. I would not send her a friend request. She's chosen to move on. I've had GFs that seem to be able to become angry over nothing, I think it's there way to put you on the defensive and make it feel like everything is your fault. Agreed... I hate Facebook. Link to comment
alli Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Yeah definitely don't send her a friend request. She removed you because she doesn't want to be linked on social media so of course she's not going to approve it after she removed it. I think you're on the right track with no contact and self improvement, getting in shape. Breaking up sucks but it eventually will hurt a little less each day. Hang in there. Link to comment
theREALdusman Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 We always talked about marriage and kids, and I was actually going to propose to her before the end of the year. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 You told her it was all or nothing. That was absolutely the right thing to do, given how you feel. The downside to issuing that ultimatum, however, is that the person may select "nothing" -- which is what she's done here. Definitely do not send her a friend request. It sounds like she's been super clear about not wanting to be with you and is respecting your instruction to cut contact. I know it's hard, but do not react. Social media adds a whole other (usually awful) element to breakups... but when you're in doubt about what to do, 9x out of 10 the right answer is "do nothing." Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 How old are both of you? Really, you bought the ring already? Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 No don't re-add her, respect her decision.She did you a favor, trust me. Do you really want to go into her account and see photos of her with the new guy looking happy? Or read her status updates about how great her life is NOW. Let it go Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I was actually going to propose to her before the end of the year. Did you just think of that after she left? Obviously she had no clue. Too little, too late. Link to comment
dave_1966 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Quote: 'apart from the fact that she's been influenced a lot her boss and work colleagues, which had explained her new personality change which i know is not the real her' You're deceiving yourself, this is the real her. Stop communicating with her, you will repulse her and make yourself look wretched with this approach. Block her on your phone, email, all social media, and get on with healing so you can meet someone new. This relationship is dead, and there's probably somebody new she hasn't mentioned. And don't worry about Facebook, it's the most meaningless cr@p imaginable. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Just some friendly advice from someone that is exactly where you are at. The hardest thing to do is nothing. You need to stop. Don't be that desperate guy. Be you. No begging or pleading. You haven't gotten any good results with what you have done you have pushed her farther away. I wish I could give you a magic formula or way to get her back. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work like that. One person can't make a relationship. You can't make her love you. You can only focus on you and keep living. Having fun and keep exercising. I would not do anything rash. Keep the lines of communication open if you chose to. But, understand she has been clear about not wanting to be with you. I know how hard that is to hear. Focusing on you is your best course. If she comes back around you will be better able to renew the relationship. And if she doesn't you will on your way to a new life. I am sorry for your pain. I hope this helps. Link to comment
JustWishing Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I was asking because I am wondering if maybe she wanted this last commitment of getting married sooner and when it didn't happen she gave up on this relationship. Link to comment
theREALdusman Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 im 31 and she's 29. but yeh, i had a deposit down and was ready to pay the rest off before xmas. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Wow. I thought you guys were a lot younger. Well, I hope you can get the despoil back. This ship has sailed. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Yeah to JUST be thinking about proposing after 8 years in your early 30s is ridiculous. I would have left four years ago. When a relationship doesn't grow, it dies. I think you need to accept that she has changed and no longer wants to be with you. Link to comment
overthemoon86 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Yikes, after 8 years...I know you mentioned you talked about getting married and having kids, but you never acted on that?? hmm...I agree with MsDarcy on this one...the relationship wasn't growing...it was staying the same and she changed. Sorry about your situation. But do not refriend her. Move on. Link to comment
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