Heartsonfire12 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Hi All. I've been posting on here for the past few days and have really gained some great perspective. I recently posted a thread about a horrid experience I had with my ex (see the Saw my ex kiss another girl thread if you're looking for context.) I'm starting a new thread however because I need some advice, and I think others may also struggle with the issue at hand. I find myself feeling guilty for lashing out at my ex. I feel he deserved to be put in his place, but I feel I almost stooped to his level by calling him out. I am definitely practicing NC, but part of me almost feels compelled to apologize for potentially hurting his feelings. But the thing is...I don't think he deserves an apology. I treated him so well, and he didn't come close to treating me with the respect I deserve. I also fear I will look weak to him if I apologize, as kindness is often mistaken for weakness. I've always struggled with being too nice and being overempathetic, so I really would love your feedback on this! Link to comment
Clinton Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 You're in no contact. That sorta means, oh I don't know, DONT CONTACT HIM. Link to comment
Heartsonfire12 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Haha yeah, totally get that. But myinquiry is more on dealing with my own guilt and making sure that no contact is okay if my last words to him were less than friendly. Link to comment
saluk Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Are you really guilty that you said some truth to this man in a harsh fashion.... Or are you upset because you are worried what he thinks of you now that you let your mask come off a little? I bet it is more the second than the first. You still care what he thinks of you. You have nothing to feel guilty for - it is OK to speak truth and not wear a mask all of the time. It is not healthy to stay in relationship (friendship, romantic whatever) with this man. When staying in relationship with people in general, it is usually a good idea to smooth things over after such an outburst. Maybe think of a tactful way to explain the issue the next time so you can resolve whatever is between you. You are wanting to smooth things over so that you can keep the relationship alive - resist this temptation. You are in a process of letting go: any action that is the opposite of letting go you can reject by principle. Even if it's hard. An apology now is clearly in opposition of letting go. He will be OK. Let him worry about himself. It seems like he's pretty good at that anyway! You need to worry about yourself right now. It's not being selfish, it's taking care of yourself. Which is reaaaally important to do. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Put this down to the surge of "Oh no, I'm not being nice!!!!" type guilt that comes from having let others walk all over you then standing up for yourself. Look, that's just not an easy thing to do, especially if you're a softer more people pleasing type of person. Or you have esteem issues. Or you worry if you aren't nice all the time 24/7 even to people who don't deserve it something bad will happen. or.or.or. My point is guilt tends to be the emotion we think is there when really it's more kind of an uncomfortable fear of the unknown. You stood up for yourself, you told someone off, you probably don't normally do that. And a part of you is scared it will get out of control or you will like it a bit too much, so you run for the comfort of guilt and apologies. And it's just a totally useless guilt. Guilt is the emotion you should feel when you run over a puppy on purpose or you "borrow" a friend's sweater then lie about losing it. Guilt is what you should feel if you kissed another boy when you were still together with your boyfriend. Guilt itself can be a good thing, it keeps you in check, but don't let fear of what might happen if you say the truth and speak out on your behalf morph into what you think is guilt, because it isn't really. So set that fear aside. The world did not implode because you told your ex off, because you were hurt, because you walked in on a sight that frankly none of us would ever want to see in the first place. You don't need to apologize, you don't need to freak if he feels bad, you don't need to do anything at all. Except stay NC and move forward and every so often tell yourself quietly, "I stood up to someone else and it's okay, I stood up for me, F yeah!" Then walk a little taller. You won't turn into a monster, you won't become a nasty person, your place in whatever heaven you do or don't believe in is not going to be rescinded. All it means is you didn't like something and you spoke up about it. It's what history and all positive changes in the human race have come from and you gotta start somewhere. So can the false guilt, accept it happened, keep the ex deleted and blocked and move on. Let him worry about it while you focus on yourself and your healing. It is all okay, it will all be okay. You done good, in fact far better than I would have. (Laughs) No apologies, just go about your business. Link to comment
Dcgent Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I think you really want to remain in touch with him and keep this relationship going, even if you are the only one living in this non exist relationship. I think you are putting too much energy into this non-existent relationship. Time to move on...but do as you please. Either put that energy towards something useful...or put that energy through walking through mud that is up to your head by ruminating. Link to comment
Heartsonfire12 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 You all are the best. Thanks for helping me through this. Onward and upward! Link to comment
schilller Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I doubt he's even thinking about the last thing you said to him. He dumped you, he's already moved on, unfortunately what you say is of no consequence to him. Link to comment
Heartsonfire12 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Excellent point! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Consider whether you're trumping up guilt as a reason to pursue more contact as a knee jerk response. Do some reality testing. Examine exactly what you'd hope to accomplish with such contact versus what is likely to actually be accomplished. Then decide whether the most likely actual outcome is worth it to you, and rethink how guilty you really feel given what it buys you. Link to comment
Heartsonfire12 Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 You all hit the nail on the head. I think my "guilt" is more of me wanting to reach out because I want him to think highly of me. In reality, I stood up for myself, called him out on his disrespectful behavior, and shut the door on a friendship with an insensitive, selfish, man. It's not like I engaged in any despicable behavior! If he ever reaches out to apologize for being a jerk, sure, I'd listen. But I'm not going to sit here and put any more energy into him. I know I'm a good person, I know I have a lot to offer, and the guy who realizes that will be lucky to have me. Will he ever realize that he lost a great thing? I sure hope so...but I'm not holding my breath. I've always struggled with trying to please everyone and make everyone happy. I was that girl that went to a party even though I was tired/sick/really had no desire to. I just fear being perceived as rude. But at the end of the day, the party goes on with or without me. It's a bit egotistical for me to think my presence would make or break it. A bit of a tangent here, but I hope you all see where I am going. It's time to look out for me and take care of myself. Being overly empathetic and concerned about others really is exhausting! I'm living and learning, I guess! Link to comment
Seymore Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I've been wracking myself with guilt, and I'm a dumpER who left someone who could be so sweet, but many times downright abusive and with a bad drinking problem to boot. I put my foot down and walked away, went NC. Why do I feel guilty? I gave her more than two or three chances. Try upwards of a dozen. So what did I really do wrong in leaving? I agree with a previous poster who said you're not used to standing up for yourself. Yeah you want the other person (and her kids, in my case) to still think highly of you, but it's a fact of life: You will never please everyone, and there is nobody on this earth that EVERYONE likes. If being the jerk means being honest with yourself and others and sticking up for yourself, then oh well. Link to comment
kudos Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Don't do it!!!! I so get it! I went through this a lot! Yes you shouldn't have lashed out, because it shows him you care! But you certainly shouldn't apologies. Go no contact end of. It's REALLY hard! But really worth it. Fake it till you make it. Pretend you couldn't care less and eventually you actually start to care less! But also make sure you have a real good cry and rant around your friends. Dont bottle it up. Your heart is just desperately trying to find ways to get your fix from him. Stay strong. No contact at all. X Link to comment
Heartsonfire12 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Share Posted November 12, 2015 This forum is amazing. Thank you all for inspiring me and helping me stay strong! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.