Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year. We started dating in August 2014, and a week later he went overseas for a uni exchange for 5 months. We both obviously agreed to not cheat etc. he panicked because he was so worried that he would get drunk and do something stupid. He came back and all was fine. Until about 2 days ago I found a conversation between himself and another girl in that country talking about a drunken night they had, one month into his exchange. The first part of the conversation, he was drunk and was trying to remember details of the night before. She mentioned he tried to kiss her, and she bit his tongue. After that they kind of stopped physical contacts because he was dating me. They were both really drunk when this happened. I confronted my boyfriend and he doesn't even remember this happening, he was blackout drunk. Sorry my story is kind of all over the place. Basically went like this: (day after the incident around 3-4pm, hes once again drunk) Him: hey girl her: hey boy. him: did you get home ok last night? her: yes thanks blah blah blah She sent him her number him: whats this? whos number is it? her: its mine. him: you know I have a girlfriend. her: what? i know. he kind of reprimanded her for sending the number. they somehow got onto the topic of trying to remember details of the night before, she mentioned that he tried to kiss her. he didnt even remember. she then said she bit his tongue and he was like "oh i hate biting while kissing" and then he was like "oh yes, i think i tried to peck you on the lips"... and then said that her biting him on the tongue stopped any further silliness. then he reminded her of how she was raving that her ass and boobs were so good, and apparently she showed him photos of her ass. and he compared her butt to mine, and then jokingly asked her to send a photo, she said no and he apologised and said "sorry im drunk". he then said to her he feels really bad about even that slight incident and felt guilty. she told him she wouldnt have gone any further anyway, and wouldnt have gone home with him. he agreed and said the same thing. The conversation turned to other things, about them agreeing he would be her wingman so she could pick up other guys. 4 days later she msged him asking if he had been a good boy, and he said yes. told her all these s tried to pick him up and he rejected them, yelling that he had a gf. he then told her that once again, he felt guilty about everything but then said "even though nothing happened i still feel bad, and you were my only SLIGHT moment of weakness.". So obviously at this point im confused, its like he either didn't think the kiss was cheating, or he literally didn't remember it happening, and thought they had only flirted. After I confronted him about it, he was like "what are you talking about? all i remember was her telling me she got a new bf and i was congratulating her". then after he went back and read the whole conversation he was like ", i dont even remember this happenning. i feel like this isnt even me, like someone else did it and shot me in the foot". he said he recalls being flirtatious with her but no any physical contact., so naturally im not sure whether to believe him as 4 days later when he was sober he admitted she was a moment of weakness. Any who... he's still been a very good boyfriend to me, and has not ever cheated on me, since this instance (which he doesnt remember). I am trying to figure out how to let this go. He said to me that he knows theres no excuse for it, and its hard to make it his reality as theres no memory. he did say that he freaked out, he was in another country by himself, all alone. he was scared. he also had already fallen in love with me, and was terrified as I am his first ever girlfriend, and he wasn't sure if I felt the same way at the time. I am willing to forgive him as this was one month into a LDR and he doesnt remember it happeneing, and hes been so good to me the entire relationship. we have a good relationship, we get along so well. like two peas in a pod. we can share alot together, and hes always been open and honest with me, and we always joke around together that he could never lie to me because i always see straight through him. My only issue is that I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Its only been 2 days so naturally its still fresh in my head, but all I can seem to do is replay the conversation over and over again, as my brain is trying to disect what happened and if he is telling me the truth in saying he doesnt remember. my stupid brain also decided to add imagery to go along with the details of the kiss, and tongue biting. How can I get over this to continue with our relationship? I want to forgive him, and move on. it was just a stupid, drunken night and he seemed to even get his together while he was drunk and stop the situation from turning from a kiss to something more. Originally, i was kind of like ? and felt mostly calm but angry. i wanted to scream and go nuts, but how could i be angry with him for something he doesnt remember, and wouldnt have done if he was in control. now, i feel as though it hurts more than I originally thought it did. im so conflicted with my feelings, constantly wondering, should I be angry? i am but not at the same time. its such a weird situation, and its hard to determine where my head is at. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I don't think he strayed by accident, in fact he even told the girl when she tried to advance things "You know I have a girlfriend." I'd give him some slack and just go about your business being loved by him and trusting that he's loyal. This was only a month into your seeing one another and unless he's been showing you some shady behaviour, I would say just do the mental work you need to do to stop worrying and start enjoying your connection with him. Give him a kiss and onward you two go. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 How did she message him if he didn't give her his number? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 She "found a conversation" I assumed she meant an email... Must be my advanced age not to assume it was text. lol Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 sorry, this was thorugh facebook Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 oh and I fixed up the text as it was all over the place. and hopefully it makes more sense now Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Of course he remembers, he's simply playing the "I was drunk card." It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a "stupid drunken night," it was a conscious choice he willingly made. It's your decision, but keep in mind that re-building trust is far from a walk in the park, and you're in for a rough ride. Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Well form his conversation with this girl the next day, he didn't remember. And he was drunk when she told him again, it is possible he did not remember as he was drunk. Of course he remembers, he's simply playing the "I was drunk card." It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't a "stupid drunken night," it was a conscious choice he willingly made. It's your decision, but keep in mind that re-building trust is far from a walk in the park, and you're in for a rough ride. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Does he drink often? That would be more concerning to me if he is blacking out Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 We both obviously agreed to not cheat etc. he panicked because he was so worried that he would get drunk and do something stupid. I confronted my boyfriend and he doesn't even remember this happening, he was blackout drunk. Why exactly do you want to date a guy who gets blackout drunk, and is actually aware of this ahead of time? Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 No he doesn't drink often. He drank a lot while he was overseas for parties and stuff. After that moment I'm sure he behaved himself as I found no more evidence of things happening. Just that one time. It seems he simply had too much to drink that it affected his judgement and memory. It has been scientifically proven that while drinking, the part of your brain that remembers stuff doesn't actually record these moments. So while it was happening, his brain didn't record the memory so he had nothing to recall. But it still concerns me that when he did find out the next day, he said he felt guilty but obviously he had no intention of telling me. Does he drink often? That would be more concerning to me if he is blacking out Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 I don't think it was his intention to get black out drunk. He doesn't drink regularly and never to the point of memory loss. It seems this was a once off Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I don't think it was his intention to get black out drunk. He doesn't drink regularly and never to the point of memory loss. It seems this was a once off "he panicked because he was so worried that he would get drunk and do something stupid." Sounds intentional to me. Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 I get that. we talked every day while he was there. im his first girlfriend, he's new to the dating scene, and i can understand that you do stupid when drinking. he was genuinely worried that he'd make mistake, and at the time i thought it was adorable because to me it meant he genuinely didnt want to hurt me. "he panicked because he was so worried that he would get drunk and do something stupid." Sounds intentional to me. Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 and at least at the time, he was open and honest about is concerns. i respected that he was worried. i trusted him because of how freaked out he was. he'd never had a girlfriend before, and when you enter a relationship for the first time, its scary a new. maybe im more understanding than some. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You're making excuses for him, while trying to justify his cheating. As I said, it's your decision... Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 maybe im more understanding than some. Very big difference between being understanding and justifying behavior. I personally think he was just giving himself an out before the fact. Link to comment
Clinton Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You're deep in an African river, denial. It's not innocent, it's not honest, it's just being afraid he'd be caught so he was being proactive and getting out in front of this. It has nothing to do with him being concerned for you or inexperienced in having a girlfriend or drinking forth first time. Wake up and smell the coffee Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 You're deep in an African river, denial. It's not innocent, it's not honest, it's just being afraid he'd be caught so he was being proactive and getting out in front of this. It has nothing to do with him being concerned for you or inexperienced in having a girlfriend or drinking forth first time. Wake up and smell the coffee I'm pretty sure if he was afraid of being caught he wouldve deleted the messages. and sorry, im a little bit confused about what you meant with "he was being proactive and getting out on front of this". what are you referring to? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You're defending him, yet asking how to get over his cheating. Which is it? Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 You're defending him, yet asking how to get over his cheating. Which is it? I said before, im really confused. i have two minds at war with each other over this. Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 may i Also add, that he did not tell me this stuff. i read this conversation which happened sept 2014. he had no clue i was reading it, at the time. Link to comment
Birdie Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Why were you reading his messages? Link to comment
Natari Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Why were you reading his messages? coz i have trust issues. and not because of him. because of a ex boyfriend who cheated on me throughout our entire relationship. he ed me up mentally and emotionally. im constantly thinking im being cheated on, even with my new bf whos an absolute angel to me. and i sometimes check up his messages to see if hes been faithful etc. so far he was doing real well until i found that conversation. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 read this conversation which happened sept 2014. he had no clue i was reading it, at the time. This happened over a YEAR ago? Link to comment
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