sailsup555 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Ex contacted me and was being so nice. Asking how i was, telling me about whats going on with him (new job, started college courses) just went on a trip. Things went well like this for about 3 weeks. He seemed to be listening to me and trying to make conversation with me even when it could have ended. Telling me when he had something to do and giving reasons why he couldnt respond and that he would later. Then I asked the dreaded question, could we meet up so i could hear about everything in person and he said yes and we chose a date. In the past he had stood me up and blown me off so i wasnt fully sure if he would come. Turns out that day he says he had a bad day at work he doesnt know if he wants to comes which really bothered me. Later that night around 7 he asked what he should bring. So i started getting ready figuring that meant he was coming.. then again at 9pm he said maybe and that he was tired and didnt feel like moving. I was getting pretty exasperated at this point and said just decide so he did end up coming and we had a good night. The next night i went out with mutual friends and told them i had seen him, my friend told me that it was a horrible idea and told me negative things he had said about me in the past like i am worse than his "psycho" ex gf. I didnt want to believe this so i brought it up to him, in a very non confrontational way but he got angry and said he cant deal with the gossip. At this point we stopped talking for a couple weeks then it started up again. Similar to before, starts off very friendly and nice. During this time i tried dating and was hoping to move on. I was upfront to my ex and said that i dont want to just be pen pals and i would like to try to be together, not saying bf/gf but to at least consistently hang out and see what happens. i said i thought we could compromise and to let me know if there was anything i could do to make it more comfortable for him as well. He said there was nothing and that even if there was he wouldn't ask me to change. So i mentioned a festival i was going to and if he would like to join which he said he couldn't guarantee it because work and school were crazy at this point and how he hadnt even been able to go out in 3 weeks. I totally understood this and didnt expect him to come but the day of the festival i ended up getting really irritated. When i asked to confirm he said "nah" that he had just gotten home two hours before and wouldnt make it, so i said okay what about next weekend and he said well if im put on the spot id have to say no because i dont know what im doing. I wish i had just said okay no problem and let it go, i dont know why i didnt to be honest but i said how we had just talked about this and it was really stressful for me and that if we weren't going to even see eachother whats the point of talking. Then he came back saying im being too demanding and its exactly what he doesn't want to get into and that he wouldn't mind hanging out but i make it too dramatic. Then he said that he wants me to be happy and not stuck on him and that i should just move on, that its nothing i did its just that he's lost a care for companionship and isn't interested in a girlfriend or even his friends that in his spare time he wants to be alone and have quiet. I know all i can do is what he said and move on, it just confuses me so bad. I asked why he bothered talking to me in first place and he said i calmed his nerves about school. I am trying not be blame myself but dealing with him makes me so insecure and i doubt all my moves. Was i being too demanding and dramatic? should i have let it slide? We are both late twenties btw. Sometimes i feel like im back in high school with all the drama Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Yes....you were too demanding and dramatic. Retread your post. You confront him about gossip, you demand time and you get irritated at the drop of a hat. You expect to be treated like a gf, when he was only offering friendship. Link to comment
sailsup555 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 is there anything i can do about this? something i can say to him? Link to comment
JA0371 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 This is why some exes simply can't be friends. If you were completely over him and dating others it may not be an issue but you clearly want him to act like a boyfriend . He isn't giving you that. I wouldnt say you are being demanding...but your being unrealistic with your expectations of him. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend ...,so stop expecting him to. Link to comment
sailsup555 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 if anyone has any ideas on something i could do or say to fix it, id love to hear it. I dont want to act dramatic or demanding but I'd love the chance to be able to hang out with him and see how it goes. I feel like when i try to do damage control i end up making it worse Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 if anyone has any ideas on something i could do or say to fix it, id love to hear it. I dont want to act dramatic or demanding but I'd love the chance to be able to hang out with him and see how it goes. I feel like when i try to do damage control i end up making it worse Damage control does make it worse...you are trying to make him hang out with you. He is done. Link to comment
Frenchy37 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Hi sailsup555, to answer your last post, I honestly think you can't "fix" it, after reading your original post several times, it would piss me off if my ex didn't give me a straight answer after confirming a date. I currently have an odd relationship with my ex. We're going to be "talking" this weekend and we will see where it goes, but if she bails on me without a reschedule, I am done. She wouldn't be worth my time. She wasn't straight with me for some time, her excuse was confusion therefore I am being very cautious. As for your situation, he keeps bailing on you and isn't able to give you a straight answer. I would cut contact and move on. I understand the need to sit down and talk and see where things go, believe me, I just went through it the last 4 days. I sent my ex some lengthy text messages explaining that I can't play her games anymore that she essentially was stringing me along. Finally when I decided not to answer her texts anymore, she came forward and said she was ready to talk, but is still dating around. Best advise, go NC and keep it that way, if an ex wants to sit down and talk to you, they will reach out and say it. Also ask yourself if you really want to go down that emotional rollercoaster. Part of me wishes that I wasn't going through this. Remember, simple is always the best. Being friends with an ex is tricky. I've only stayed friends with one of my exes, and it happened 3 years after our BU. But since she was the only women I ever loved, there are times I find my emotions drifting, this usually where I step back. Link to comment
DoF Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Should've left him where he belongs, in the past. Stay away from Ex's is my only advice. No contact, friends, NOTHING.......EVER. Link to comment
jobelle Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Then I asked the dreaded question, could we meet up so i could hear about everything in person and he said yes and we chose a date. In the past he had stood me up and blown me off so i wasnt fully sure if he would come. Turns out that day he says he had a bad day at work he doesnt know if he wants to comes which really bothered me. Later that night around 7 he asked what he should bring. So i started getting ready figuring that meant he was coming.. then again at 9pm he said maybe and that he was tired and didnt feel like moving. I was getting pretty exasperated at this point and said just decide so he did end up coming and we had a good night. I think you've dodged a bullet. Why would you want to be with someone that blows you off, doesn't respect your time and treats you as an option? Link to comment
Dcgent Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 #1, gossip is just that, gossip. Don't feed off of "friends" that have gossip to share. I am impressed he didn't just drop you at that point. You are both too old to be acting like this anyway. I would say from your post that you are being too needy and demanding as well. I think the only thing you can do now is slip back into the cracks and grow up some. Don't worry about dating right away. It sounds like you still have to find yourself and mature some more. Guys are going to continue to run away from you until you are able to grow up a little more and exude self confidence. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Sounds like YOU were the only one making any attempt at this...Your 'expectations' were too high. Getting irritated at him for NOT agreeing to meet up with you etc? Being contacted by an Ex means nothing. They could be bored.. curious, etc. UNLESS they actually say they 'want to try again', the rest is breadcrumbs.. useless. Not exactly a good idea to try 'dating' when you're not even over your Ex yet. That isn't going to help you. Best thing for you to do is STOP interactions with him. he doesn't seem interested in getting back with you, so all you're doing is hurting yourself with these attempts & chasing him. Back off, totally now and work on YOU. No more contact, no more chasing.. nothing. IF he contacts you again.. don't reply. It'll just bring you back down.. again. Link to comment
sailsup555 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 i really try not to get into the gossip or drama so i dont know why with him i do. The thing is i think what my friend said is true and it really hurts my feelings. All i really ever wanted was to spend time with him and to be able to rely that we would see eachother but he distances himself and he even admitted it, that he does this when it gets too real. I have heard stories of his past ex gf too and its always the same, after a couple months he backs off. He has said he wants to do what he wants when he wants and not worry about anyone else. When we first started dating he ended up seeing me once in 4 months then came back on really strong bringing me to family holidays talking about moving in together then started fading again so i freaked out. Then he came back again but blew me off for months...i think thats why i got so irritated because if we are going to talk i want to see him and now blown off or disrespected. Then i end up getting confused though because i dont know if im overreacting. I dont want to be a pest either i want him to be happy but i guess all i can do then is leave him alone Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 He doesn't want to be in a relationship. It's that simple. Link to comment
sailsup555 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 btw thank you all for your responses, it helps getting some opinions and getting myself out of my head Link to comment
Mari Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I don't think you're being too demanding and I don't think he's at fault either. He has a lot going on and all he can do is text you here and there as he gets time. He can't commit to a large chunk of time and actually have it go through because he may be dealing with too much. You on the other hand don't have as much going on, so for you, you can book a solid block of time. Your take is, if he's going to contact you, have it go somewhere, commit to a time and be reliable and give that time. Since he can't commit due to his other priorities to you he seems unreliable and flaky and is frustrating to deal with. To him, because running a full relationship takes up a lot of time and work, he stops seeing the relationship as fun and more as another task on his list so he sees you as demanding. But he still enjoys sending you texts as he gets time because that's fun. Link to comment
Dcgent Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 At the end of the day. you two really were not meant for one another and you need to accept that. You both aren't bad people, you just aren't meant for each other, at least not at this point in time and don't plan on it any time soon. He isn't wanting a full time relationship with you, while you are looking for that it appears. Whatever it is...I don't think you guys are really on the same path in life and it would be wise for you to spend some time building yourself up...living your life, becoming what you want to be...and then start fishing for a better match. Good Luck. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I'm sorry, but there's nothing to "fix" here. You want a committed relationship, he wants a free therapist/pen pal/b*tching board to talk over his problems with. He takes your time to make himself feel better and that's it, but has no interest in meeting up with you. He understands though if he outright says, "I am not going to hang out with you, I just want to talk and feel better, but I tell you that then you won't want that and you'll be done with me." So he makes just enough noises to make you think something more is there. But there isn't. You both want wildly different things. He wants a talk buddy, you want a relationship. You are each okay in wanting that, but to try and get it from each other through covert means is a wee tad deceptive even if neither of you means it to be. Although I think he is being somewhat deceptive in that he keeps you hoping by way of making noises that you'll hang out then never doing so. To that degree yeah, he is using you. And since what he wants out of your interchanges is much lower and much more easily replaced down the line he has the lion's share of the power here. You need to break it all off for good, to ignore when he offers up hanging out to get you to again make him feel better about himself, and you need to move on and look for someone who wants a relationship with you, a real one. P.S. People who stand you up, blow you off, trot out excuse after excuse about why you can't date and be in each other's lives do not want a relationship with you no matter what they say, because it isn't what they are DOING. You will waste enormous amounts of your life on such people and time is marching on. And you are not getting younger or prettier or into a relationship that makes you happier. Keep that in mind. He's getting what he wants from you, your needs do not matter to him. He says just enough to make you hope that finally they do. And this will go on exactly as long as you let it and not a second more. Either be happy with a talk pal and go out with others or end it for good. He will always manipulate you to give him what HE needs, not what you need. Link to comment
JustWishing Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 He just came back to check on you to see how hung up you still are on him. This is incredibly ego boosting for him. That is why he gives you the "I don't want a relationship" speech, but keeps in contact to see where you are at with this. Be strong and get this guy out of your life for good. Go no contact and stay NC. You can't heel if you keep going back for more degrading actions on his part. If he cared for you he would take the time to see you. If he sincerely liked you he would want to spend time with you. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 He is not reliable. He does not care about you. Why you want to continue with type of person is beyond me. Do better for yourself! Link to comment
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