Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 she's asking why I won't give my ex a second chance. Telling me her Facebook page says she's been "sober for 13 days". I just about blacked out yelling at my friend, asking why in the hell she would suggest I give a second chance to aliar, manipulator and alcoholic. Someone I've had to call the police on. I have enough guilt as it is for leaving, and I had to block her number the other night when she asked if we could meet and chat. "I'm in your corner no matter what, but are you sure you're done with her? For GOOD?", my friend says. I feel like I'm going nuts. I feel like nobody is on my side. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 You know what the right thing to do is. Block your friend and keep going. You don't need someone in your life at the moment that's not supporting your decision that is sensible and healthy. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 I don't get it. I've known this friend for over 13 years now. Why would she pull this? "I just thought if you love someone so much, you should give them a second chance." I told her over two years ago the drinking has to stop. I told her over two years ago to get over my father not liking her. She didn't. I threatened to leave almost a dozen times. Nothing changed. Now that it has, I have to cave?!?! Or what, or I never loved her? Link to comment
greta96 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Why do you care so much about what your friend (and everyone else) says??? They may know things they heard or saw here and there, but they didn't live with your ex, they didn't witness the insanity, they were not hurt by her, they are just outsiders. Plus, if you've been known to give second/third undeserved chances, they may think you'll do it again. Instead of getting all frustrated and yelling, why don't you just shut them all up by saying "listen, I do not want to talk about my ex or be reminded of her, I do not want to hear her name, so please do me a favor and refrain from ever mentioning her to me". If they are true friends, they will hear you out and grant your wish. If not - then you may want to rethink the friendships and their motives. But remember, nobody knows what went on between you and your ex better than you, because nobody has lived between those 4 walls. Therefore, you shouldn't let anyone's opinions get to you like that. You did the best thing you could have done for yourself by dumping that drunk nutcase, don't let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel guilty about it. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 I'm frustrated because I would think people who have been by my side for so long wouldn't pull this stuff. Last Friday my aunt was saying to me: "You're REALLY done with her?" Like I did something so terrible leaving her, like I never gave her a chance. It's like everyone has turned on me. I know that's not reality but it certainly feels that way. I also asked this friend if she'd enjoy that we could never hang out again, since that's what my ex tried to do - get it so I could never just talk face to face with this friend. She said "No, I didn't like that before". I asked what the hell she was getting at, then. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 We all want affirmation from our friends in one way or another. I can understand that you feel angry (probably frustrated more than angry?), Try to get her on her own and quietly ask to respect your decision and back off. If after all this she's still giving you a hard time I think you'll have to examine the friendship and see if the two of you really have that much in common after all. You've definitely made the right decision of leaving your ex. You have dodged a bullet here, and you should be thankful for it. Go on with your life without someone as toxic as that being a part of it. Link to comment
TMifune Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I don't get it. I've known this friend for over 13 years now. Why would she pull this? "I just thought if you love someone so much, you should give them a second chance." I told her over two years ago the drinking has to stop. I told her over two years ago to get over my father not liking her. She didn't. I threatened to leave almost a dozen times. Nothing changed. Now that it has, I have to cave?!?! Or what, or I never loved her? You don't have to cave. It is your decision how much you're willing to tolerate and whether you'll give someone a second chance. I believe in second chances, but I believe they have to be earned. They have to be earned by taking responsibility, apologizing, making amends and truly committing to change. 13 days is way too short a time for any of that to really have taken place. I think if real growth and change starts to take shape, then there's a possibility of flourishing a deeper and stronger connection. But again that has to really be seen in someone's actions, and it's still a risk you take if you're willing to take it. All that said, I don't think you owe anyone a second chance and right now sounds like it's way too early for you to even be thinking about it. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 This isn't really about you or taking sides. It is more to do with their views on relationships and probably their own relationship history as well. What kind of relationships has your friend been in? Has she been dumped before (maybe many times?) Stress to her that as hard as it was, you know you made the right decision, and that it is really over for good. If she values your friendship, she won't discuss your ex with you anymore, because it's painful enough already. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 My friend married a complete a-hole (I know, I'd been best friends with him from the ages of 2-27 and quit being his friend due to his drinking issues and the trouble it got us in), and I'm always hearing from her how he is and how her family wants her to leave him. She's complained to me since two years into their marriage about how bad he is. She said "Well he disappoints me time after time, and I give him second chances." I asked where that got her. She's still miserable and stuck because of their two kids. But for some reason MY situation can't be as bad. I asked if he's ever laid a hand on her, choked her or anything. Link to comment
saluk Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Clearly you can't expect to get reasonable advice or support from her on this subject... Your move may actually threaten her in a way. Your actions are subtly showing her that she COULD actually get away from this man and uproot her life, something that she might know she needs but is too afraid to go through with. Link to comment
TMifune Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Do either of your parents have a drinking issue? Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 My mom, no. All I know about my dad is that he had 3 DUIs by the time I was 4. That's it. He goes out once a week to the bar but I've never seen him drunk. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Misery loves company. She's in deep with an alcoholic and you leaving your girlfriend probably feels threatening to her. I know it's disappointing but you have to find a way to adjust your expectations of these people who can not support you. Realize it is not out of maliciousness, just ignorance. And their own demons they are struggling with. I know that doesn't take away the hurt and frustration of dealing with it. Because these are friends, family, who are dishing out this nonsense. You are doing great. I am sorry you are hurting. Alcoholism is so ugly and painful. I'm glad you aren't caught in the cyclone anymore. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 It just causes me to wonder if I'm just going nuts. I'm glad I have people here who can listen to me. My best friend was an alcoholic and went through AA 14 years ago and hasn't had a drop since. I wish I could get a hold of him but I can't until Friday. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I truly believe you should stop talking to anyone who is trying to convince you to go back to your ex. Link to comment
TMifune Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 My mom, no. All I know about my dad is that he had 3 DUIs by the time I was 4. That's it. He goes out once a week to the bar but I've never seen him drunk. I was wondering because you seem to have surrounded yourself with a combination of people with drinking problems and people who sound like they sorta enable those problems. You're probably going to feel like you're nuts for a little while as you start to look around and question what these people are doing and how you ended up with them in your life. It's extremely difficult to get yourself out of a negative pattern when there's all these people around that sort of support that negative pattern. I guess you have to accept how screwed up they are, but that's tough when you're in a hard place and just need a little support from the people around you. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Yeah I've realized that. My brother had drinking problems too. It's been in just about every generation of my dad's side of the family. Another reason I ended it with my ex - I ended up starting to drink pretty heavily every night with her. I will apologize for raising my voice at my friend, and request to not hear about my ex any more, unless I for some unknown reason ask. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 When I left my alcoholic ex, many people were aghast. He was a charmer, they always saw us out (little realizing that I was paying for it) as he couldn't hold down a job. They told me he was my "destiny". Ahhhhh.....no. 15 years later he is down to 120 lbs, house ridden. He never stopped drinking, used to beat up on his current gf and hasn't worked in over a decade. He can't drive becaus he can afford the insurance. But he still has money for booze. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 look, you don't have to answer to anyone. If your friends ask you, you can ignore them, or just tell them that this is your final decision, it is not up for debate. You can break up with a girl because you hate her purple shoes. you really don't need more reason than that. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Thanks guys. I am so glad you all are here to help with some kind words. I've had a rough day and you all have been the highlight of it Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Sorry you had a rough day. People can be jerks. I will add this to your possibilities of things to say to your friend: "Breaking up with Mary was my decision. You're my friend and I'm really glad you are, but I'm done talking about Mary. I know you'll understand it and respect my wishes. Thank you." When people ask, be a stone wall and refuse to be moved. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Sorry you had a rough day. People can be jerks. I will add this to your possibilities of things to say to your friend: "Breaking up with Mary was my decision. You're my friend and I'm really glad you are, but I'm done talking about Mary. I know you'll understand it and respect my wishes. Thank you." When people ask, be a stone wall and refuse to be moved. Thank you. I just sent her a text saying almost exactly that, and if I ever wish to hear about her again, I'll let my friend know. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Your friend is a total moron who's being manipulated by your ex. No, I'm serious. She's calling her and pulling the whole, "But I'm soooober now, get him back for meeeee, help meee. 13 days? Whoopee, tell your friend she can celebrate when the girl has gone 13 months and had at least two incidents that would normally send her to the bottle happen and she's been able to say no and walk away. THEN they can celebrate. Seriously, you need to probably cut a few more toxic people out of your life. If your ex had come to me and said that I'd have laughed in her face and told her to come back and I'll pat her on the back after 13 months. I'm as angry as you are, I swear I'd be making your friend cry right about now, because I can get downright mean in my sarcasm when people act that twee and clueless. Stick to your guns, you know what your ex is and how she is. Let others find out and if they keep at you then it's time for new friends. I'm sorry, but this kind of says something about the level of some of the people in your life if they can't accept that an abusive alcoholic is not good partner material and doesn't deserve anything, but urges to get therapy, stay in therapy, never come out of therapy. And leave everyone alone while they're doing it too. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 Thank you for that, Paris. That made me smile when I read it first thing this morning I definitely am going to start taking some friend inventory. Link to comment
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