lajavanaise Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Today the ex contacted my mother to complain about me not giving him a sign of life. The letter he put in my mailbox saying how he blames me for leaving me and his newborn baby and how much he is in love with the woman he left us for was I guess supposed to get a rise out of me, but I ignored it ... I guess he was surprised, because he basically wrote that if I didn't contact him it meant I was denying him to see the baby ... Seriously ?! I told him plenty of times I did not want to speak to him and that he was welcome to see the baby through my mom. He has NO RIGHT wanting to see or talk to me. Now he says he doesn't want to come and visit tha baby as long as I don't contact him ... I feel stressed out and don't know what game he is playing. I have the right to be in NC and I don't know why he wants to see or speak to me, but it's Obvious I don't want to. He has no right to claim me ! Any opinions here ? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Continue to ignore and document with the lawyer and get his wages garnished for child support. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Continue to ignore and document with the lawyer and get his wages garnished for child support. His behaviour just scares me, but I know I am not doing anythin wrong as long as I don't deny him acces ... Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 He can no longer control you. Document everything. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 This is not about his baby. If it was about his baby he would be visiting his baby with your mom. He is making this about you. Ignore him ignore him ignore him and document everything. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 This is not about his baby. If it was about his baby he would be visiting his baby with your mom. He is making this about you. Ignore him ignore him ignore him and document everything. Yep! I've been down this road. It's a control thing, and it's awful. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Hopefully you've already contacted an attorney? Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 This is not about his baby. If it was about his baby he would be visiting his baby with your mom. He is making this about you. Ignore him ignore him ignore him and document everything. He's trying to make me look like the bad guy, it's awful ... He's been told SEVERAL times he is welcome to come and see her, yet he is acting this way. I don't understand what he is trying to do. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Hopefully you've already contacted an attorney? Yes, he told me I don't need to stay in contact. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Yep! I've been down this road. It's a control thing, and it's awful. Why ? What is it even about ? Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Why ? What is it even about ? Control. Just control. Your attorney says it's okay. Try not to let it scare or intimidate you. I think if you get any more letters in your mailbox, you should just collect them for your attorney without reading. As far as e-mail goes, I would create a filter that allows his emails into a particular folder. So they're there for record, but not in your face when you open your inbox. Link to comment
No1 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Like other people say, its about control. Let me explain.. Guys like to think our Xs belong to us forever. How we were the best lover, boyfriend, partner, best friend you could ever have, you couldn't possibly find another guy better than me (your X) So when you say you want nothing to do with him, he fears that he is losing you from his stable of women, he cant stand an X not wanting him back so he demands you contact him to make him feel better. This move has nothing to do with you.. it has to do with his ego. Now he has the right to see his kid, you don't have to be there. If he doesn't want to see his child, then like others said, document it.. because in court he is going to say you refused to see him and you can have evidence saying no, he didn't show up. That's why he is demanding... so right now he is using guilt.. don't give in.. contact an lawyer who can instruct him to contact you thru him.. and if you cant afford to pay for one, then the lawyer can try to make your X pay for his fees. Good luck to you Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Here's the thing: You don't need to say it 'SEVERAL TIMES' One time only. End of discussion. Period. He will continue to bait you into the same discussion and you continue to respond. Stop! It's like being invited to come out and play (games) My ex would do this until I learned to say it one time, like I meant it and then closed it by stating. `it is no longer open for debate' You back this statement up with actions and let him spin trying to bait you into an exchange. The fun wears off when no one will play with him. . and he now knows you mean business. The minute to begin to have an exchange with him, it's game on! Just don't do it. It's actually pretty easy when you get the hang of it. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Heh...I wanted to share something I find amusing. A couple Mother's Days ago, my ex called me(I didn't answer) and he left a voicemail demanding that I answer - Verbatim, "When I call, YOU WILL ANSWER." In hindsight, it's hilarious. I'm sitting here snort giggling at the thought. At the time, not so much. Because he had woven in a lot of custody threats in regards to my son. It was a bad time. Getting an attorney was a huge weight off my shoulders. It should be for you, too. Let it be. Take comfort in knowing you are allowing access and that what you are doing is okay. And let him dig himself into a hole. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Heh...I wanted to share something I find amusing. A couple Mother's Days ago, my ex called me(I didn't answer) and he left a voicemail demanding that I answer - Verbatim, "When I call, YOU WILL ANSWER." In hindsight, it's hilarious. I'm sitting here snort giggling at the thought. At the time, not so much. Because he had woven in a lot of custody threats in regards to my son. It was a bad time. Getting an attorney was a huge weight off my shoulders. It should be for you, too. Let it be. Take comfort in knowing you are allowing access and that what you are doing is okay. And let him dig himself into a hole. I was you once too. Those type of comments were so upsetting and rattled me so, I didn't know which end was up. Now it's down right laughable. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Wow ... It does make sense, but it's crazy. It's like he just want to keep me around for his own ego. Yeah, that's gonna happen. I have the impression that because I cut him off after he dumped me that he feels dumped himself, and it's hurting his ego like you say. But it's sad he doesn't even come to see his daughter because of his ego. I told my mother to keep all the text messages to show my lawyer in case he tries any games ... And why does it have to bother him anyways, he has a new bird to distract him, it's like they hunt you down when you want them to back off ... Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Heh...I wanted to share something I find amusing. A couple Mother's Days ago, my ex called me(I didn't answer) and he left a voicemail demanding that I answer - Verbatim, "When I call, YOU WILL ANSWER." In hindsight, it's hilarious. I'm sitting here snort giggling at the thought. At the time, not so much. Because he had woven in a lot of custody threats in regards to my son. It was a bad time. Getting an attorney was a huge weight off my shoulders. It should be for you, too. Let it be. Take comfort in knowing you are allowing access and that what you are doing is okay. And let him dig himself into a hole. I hope I'll be able to laugh at this whole thing one day ... I doubt it though You are right, getting an attorney was a huge weight off my shoulders, especially since he threatened several times himself to get an attorney involved, after that I just went ahead and got one without him knowing, no need to say he was very surprised to get a letter from my attorney ... It's just disgusting how he puts his ego before his daughter. He thought he would have me in this life so he didn't have to feel any pain of the break up, thought he could keep me as a friend on one side, taking care of his daughter so he could visit her when he felt like it, while on the other side he could have fun with some other chick ... Well, he must be living in lalaland ... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Also know that judges see this stuff every- single - day. Remember, it's all family law judges and family law attorneys do. They know every game in the book and have very little tolerance to these type of antics. This one is very text book and a judge will see right through it. So take a deep breath and don't let him rattle you. Just focus on you and your daughter. He'll continue to screw himself. He doesn't need you to help him. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 Also know that judges see this stuff every- single - day. Remember, it's all family law judges and family law attorneys do. They know every game in the book and have very little tolerance to these type of antics. This one is very text book and a judge will see right through it. So take a deep breath and don't let him rattle you. Just focus on you and your daughter. He'll continue to screw himself. He doesn't need you to help him. Thank u. The thing is, we keep telling him (well my mom) that he is welcome to visit when he lets us know, again and again .. My father even sent him a letter (copy for the attorney also) saying the exact same, BUT when my mom texted him he could stop by he reacted: "No ... if (my name) doesn't contact me I suppose she doesn't want me to see the baby ...." Like seriously ! I know he is gonna try to use that against me, he has nothing. But I hate this situation ... 6 months ago he asked me to marry him, and now we're going through this all because of a woman he barely knows. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 Yesterday my mother deleted my ex off her FB because he put her on limited anyways, so what the hell ... Today he sends her a text saying how he is deleted and that i've probably deleted him ... Jeez .. After that he blocked her. Seems like he is putting too much effort in all this. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Yesterday my mother deleted my ex off her FB because he put her on limited anyways, so what the hell ... Today he sends her a text saying how he is deleted and that i've probably deleted him ... Jeez .. After that he blocked her. Seems like he is putting too much effort in all this. I know it's a difficult time and all this is upsetting to you. But that's what it's designed to do. (and it works!) Not only should you not respond to him you should also learn to detach any reaction to his nonsense. Directly or indirectly it only feeds the monster. Imagine yourself with blinders on and keep your focus straight ahead. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 I know it's a difficult time and all this is upsetting to you. But that's what it's designed to do. (and it works!) Not only should you not respond to him you should also learn to detach any reaction to his nonsense. Directly or indirectly it only feeds the monster. Imagine yourself with blinders on and keep your focus straight ahead. It's very hard to get dumped with a baby ... I thought that if I would go no contact, at least I would have time to heal, but seems like the more I am not reacting, the more he is trying to get a reaction. It's depressing, and I do have the impression he is in a rebound and still has feelings, he invests too much effort in me, but I just want him to leave me and everyone I know alone ... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 It's very hard to get dumped with a baby ...( I am sorry laja. . I can't imagine. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 It's very hard to get dumped with a baby ... I thought that if I would go no contact, at least I would have time to heal, but seems like the more I am not reacting, the more he is trying to get a reaction. It's depressing, and I do have the impression he is in a rebound and still has feelings, he invests too much effort in me, but I just want him to leave me and everyone I know alone ... Well hun, this is not your run of the mill break-up. You share a daughter, who is a constant reminder of him/the relationship. You can't just disappear off the face of the earth, you're put in that crappy position of trying to heal while dealing with circumstances you never had to deal with before in previous break-ups. He really doesn't deserve all the head space you've let him have, gratis. And I know, you can't just forget it because it's in your face with his stupid antics. But the best way to deal with those is NOT to entertain them. You can feel upset and every other feeling under the sun, but redirect your energy when you start trying to pick apart and analyze his behaviors. That keeps the emotional tie strong when your goal is to sever it. And you will one day, look back on the things he did and shake your head. I promise. It might be a year, 2, 3 - But it will happen. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 thank you so much, reenventmyself and cheetarah, Sometimes I feel really strong, nut some nights I just break down and cry . I look at my little babygirl who hasn't asked for nothing and cries and it hurts me do bad ... Then I hope he will vanaish off this earth for me, but the more I look like I feel strong, the more he is trying to get into my world ... =( Link to comment
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