mhowe Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 He is playing mind games with you. If he wanted into your world, he would be visiting his daughter. He is simply blowing smoke. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 He is playing mind games with you. If he wanted into your world, he would be visiting his daughter. He is simply blowing smoke. Unfortunately, I have to agree. He doesn't really want to be in your world. He just doesn't like the fact that he doesn't get to dictate, that he has to run something past someone instead of just doing what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. You took him back once after he bailed, don't let him break down the barriers again. Now you have your daughter to model for. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Unfortunately, I have to agree. He doesn't really want to be in your world. He just doesn't like the fact that he doesn't get to dictate, that he has to run something past someone instead of just doing what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. You took him back once after he bailed, don't let him break down the barriers again. Now you have your daughter to model for. He doesn't come to visit his daughter because he wants me to be there, to talk to me and see me, he doesn't want to go through my mother ... Since my attorney told me there was no need for me to see him, I'm not planning on it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 He doesn't come to visit his daughter because he wants me to be there, to talk to me and see me, he doesn't want to go through my mother ... And that is all a control thing ,don't fall for it. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 And that is all a control thing ,don't fall for it. The thing is, what is he hoping on gaining by being in control ? He just wants to feel being in control again because he lost it ? Is he feeling rejected ? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 He wants to control YOU. Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 What a crappy situation, sorry for your pain. I really think you're overthinking his motives and actions. It doesn't matter WHY he wants control or what he is trying to gain. That's just him, it's who he is. Focus on you and your daughter, follow your lawyers advice and move forward. You're giving him too much space in your head. I know it's hard, my ex wife cheated and left me after 24 years together, different scenario but getting dumped is painful no matter when it happens. He has shown his character, at least you didn't waste your entire life with him..! Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 What a crappy situation, sorry for your pain. I really think you're overthinking his motives and actions. It doesn't matter WHY he wants control or what he is trying to gain. That's just him, it's who he is. Focus on you and your daughter, follow your lawyers advice and move forward. You're giving him too much space in your head. I know it's hard, my ex wife cheated and left me after 24 years together, different scenario but getting dumped is painful no matter when it happens. He has shown his character, at least you didn't waste your entire life with him..! I understand, it's very true I am overthinking, but I can't help it at this point ... It's the mindgames he is trying to play I hate. Refusing to come see his daughter unless he hears from me, that's just plain disgusting ... He prefers gaining his control back over me, rather then come and see his daughter. He's a horrible man. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Yes, it is disgusting. And I'm sure there's no limit to his disgustingness. Why is his reasoning so important to you? Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 Yes, it is disgusting. And I'm sure there's no limit to his disgustingness. Why is his reasoning so important to you? I honestly just think it's one of those fases I'm going through, can't wait to be 6 months further so that this stinging pain I am feeling now goes away ... He's been trying to make me jealous now through my best friend with pictures of him and his new bird. It's mindblowing and I shouldn't want to understand, but it's hard. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 I am going to guess. . seeing that he left,you may be wondering if his actions (insisting on you being present, trying to make you jealous) might be signs that he still cares about you and may want you back. It's ok. .it's natural. When someone abandons us it rattles our self esteem and we question whether or not we are worthy. But it's not him you want (I hope) it's the `wanting to be wanted' Even if he is a troll. You've given him that little piece of power to define your worth. Give this some thought and if it rings true, then it's something to work on. Because a troll shouldn't have the right to define your self worth. You do that!! Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 16, 2015 Author Share Posted October 16, 2015 I am going to guess. . seeing that he left,you may be wondering if his actions (insisting on you being present, trying to make you jealous) might be signs that he still cares about you and may want you back. It's ok. .it's natural. When someone abandons us it rattles our self esteem and we question whether or not we are worthy. But it's not him you want (I hope) it's the `wanting to be wanted' Even if he is a troll. You've given him that little piece of power to define your worth. Give this some thought and if it rings true, then it's something to work on. Because a troll shouldn't have the right to define your self worth. You do that!! I wouldn't want him back, but yes I do wonder if he still cares even if he is a horrible person. I guess to feel less $hitty .. But the day he'll come crying back I won't even look ath him, that's for sure. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I wouldn't want him back, but yes I do wonder if he still cares even if he is a horrible person. I guess to feel less $hitty .. But the day he'll come crying back I won't even look ath him, that's for sure. Yeah that's okay, it is natural. I'm just checking in on where your head is at - Whether you want to be wanted(who doesn't) or you're feeling like you will crumble and are looking for particular signs to open the door for him. I really do understand you, even that part. During the time I filed for CS my ex was very, very charming until he wasn't(meaning, until he saw I wasn't going to budge). It made me feel really awful that he'd play on my feelings even being as low and dirty as going from saying he loves my son to "frick him" in the next breath in an attempt to get things to go his way. So I want you to tread carefully, and I do worry because you did go back to him before when he left for "greener pastures". Be strong. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Yeah that's okay, it is natural. I'm just checking in on where your head is at - Whether you want to be wanted(who doesn't) or you're feeling like you will crumble and are looking for particular signs to open the door for him. I really do understand you, even that part. During the time I filed for CS my ex was very, very charming until he wasn't(meaning, until he saw I wasn't going to budge). It made me feel really awful that he'd play on my feelings even being as low and dirty as going from saying he loves my son to "frick him" in the next breath in an attempt to get things to go his way. So I want you to tread carefully, and I do worry because you did go back to him before when he left for "greener pastures". Be strong. I am most certainly not going to crumble. Like you said, I took him back once after he came backy crying ... I really thought he was sorry and loved me. But leaving me one year later after I had his baby ? If it wasn't for him I wouldn't even have had a baby, I would have wait before taking this step ... He is a horrible man, but by overthinking all this I am still hoping to find maybe a little sign of regret from what he's done, just to make myself feel better about myself ... Today again he sends a text to my mother (I asked his mother to ask him to bring my baby's clothes) saying the clothes are at his place, and since he hasn't heard from me he couldn't tell me that, but that they're ready for me to go pick them up, that he expects me to contact him and also to tell him when he is ALLOWED to come see his daughter. Seriously, again with that BS that he needs me to come and see her and that he needs me to contact him. I have no ideas what mindgame he is playing, probably like some said control, but still ... The fact that he insists on wanting to see me/want me to contact him makes me think there is some regret, and it helps me thinking that might be the case and that he is maybe hurting a bit, even a bit because it's not right that he gets to be happy and I am depressed by his actions ... Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 There is no regret. None. There is only him trying to regain control. Why are her clothes at his place? Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 There is no regret. None. There is only him trying to regain control. Why are her clothes at his place? We lived together and the baby's room is there, so the clothes I've bought her are still there. Well he must feel bad about losing control at least ... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 You need to start catching yourself when you start to mind read. Your posts are littered with trying to decode his behavior and get in his head. By doing this it keeps you attached. Everytime you start to try to mind read catch yourself and say 'stop' Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 He doesn't feel "bad"....he is angry and frustrated. He has yet to see his daughter. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 He doesn't feel "bad"....he is angry and frustrated. He has yet to see his daughter. I don't really care how he feels, no one denies him to see his daughter except for himself. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 You somehow do care what he feels...you WANT him to feel remorse, guilty, etc. He is making no effort to see or support her. He is simply playing mind games with you. If you have a key, go over when he is at work and remove all of your and the baby's belongings. Bring someone with you. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 You somehow do care what he feels...you WANT him to feel remorse, guilty, etc. He is making no effort to see or support her. He is simply playing mind games with you. If you have a key, go over when he is at work and remove all of your and the baby's belongings. Bring someone with you. True ... That's the plan, he can not complain since he wanted me to keep the keys. Link to comment
Cheetarah Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 You know you are not going to get these times back with your daughter. It is one of my biggest regrets, that I spent so much mental energy on a schmoe. Couple that with PTSD from my son's birth and I was on auto pilot for a year. The latter I can't help, and the former - Well, everyone has to process at their own pace. I just wished I would have processed a little faster, and I could have helped that along by mentally disengaging and refocusing, instead of picking apart everything that he said or did, and letting him get to me when he is not worth more than the crap on my boot as a "father". Your ex is not looking much better. If his daughter was important to him, he would SEE HER. This is a selfish and self-centered man. Whatever you knew him as within your relationship, forget it. Don't look for it. Get into momma bear mode. Look at your baby girl. These kids come into our lives and they give you a will you never knew you had. Keep tapping into it. Look at yourself. You are a single mom, taking care of your little girl without the help of her father. That's hard work. You're going to be the one that shapes her through her environment. And this fool wants to waste time writing letters from the standpoint of a petulant child who is desperately grasping for any kind of control, rather than worrying about his daughter. How her medical expenses will be paid for, how to keep a roof over her head, how to keep clothes on her back, heat going in the house, diapers, and the list just gets longer and more expensive the older they get. Is he caring about any of that? No, and that's rather repulsive. I'm embarrassed for him at his lack of shame. Look at it that way. Go get all your belongings. Leave the key. Link to comment
lajavanaise Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 You are absolutely right, this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and he's managed to make it the worst. I don't think I could ever forgive him for doing something like this ... He doesn't even seem to care to see his daughter grow up. The only thing he did when he came over to see her was taking pictures to post on his FB with textes like "daddy's princess" ... He does not treat her like a princess, he is a selfcentered man. For me the fact he demands for me to be there and for me to contact him before wanting to see his daughter, DEMANDING I am the one that should contact him and ALLOWING him to see her ... Makes me think that the lack of control he has over me is more important for him than to see his daughter. He even sent to my mother that I could Always call him ... Is he serious ... About the expenses he won't bother to make, that's just a good thing, will only give me more power when we go to court, he doesn't want to come visit her is #1 and he doesn't look after any of the expenses is #2 ... Can only work in my favor. I'll try to get my stuff asap and leave the keys there ... I just hope he won't be home when I'll go over, I can't even bear the thought to see his face at this point. Link to comment
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