My daughter and her deadbeat father

[leahwjeffries]

My daughter (she's 7) has been struggling a lot as of late - especially this year - about her father. I have her starting therapy in the next few weeks which I hope will help and many around her have tried to help out as well. I've been on a few different forums but they were a little less active so I thought maybe I could get more tips or advice posting here....

 

Over the summer my daughter stayed with my dad and my step-mom where she was introduced to one too many truths about her father. He has never been in her life and he claims that she isn't even his and wants nothing to do with her which she was made all too aware of from my step-mom's intervening.

 

My daughter was told (and also shown several things as evidence) about some of the stories and lies that he and his family have spread about her and the threats they've made toward her. She was told about the one and only time he was anywhere near her which was back when she was only 2 and how he punched her in the face, literally threw her off of his porch, and threatened to kill us both. (I had stupidly traveled down to where he lives to confront him after hearing about something he'd said and had been utterly fed up with his attitude and behavior.) I won a restraining order for a minor against him for her and one for myself because of that day. Thank God he's left us alone since.

 

My daughter had been having a hard time as it was before all of this when it came to the issue of her ghost of a father. She'd been teased in school so had began making up stories about who he is (saying he worked out of town, was such a great guy, she was going to go live with him) and had really started questioning more and more about him in the past year. I have always tried to be honest with her and turn everything back around to a positive but in no way did I think about giving her all the details of the situation at her young age and not for a long, long time!

 

My step-mom did not have the same ideas it seems on that.

 

And with as bad as all of that is, I think what's hurting her even more is knowing he moved on and has a new family. My step-mom also snooped around on Facebook with her and apparently most of his things are public and it all drove a knife right through her heart to see him with his wife and his 2 year old son. He has all these posts bragging about his son, claiming and calling his son as his only child/first child, going on about how proud he is to be a father, ect. There's thousands of pictures he or his wife or their parents or whoever have posted that she has stuck in her head... pictures of him with his son every day, of birthdays and Christmases, of all the activities and places they're always going to. It's pretty much everything she wishes she had.... Him taking his son off to bouncey houses, swimming, cooking together, going to parks..... And now is become something she keeps digging her heels about.

 

She's been so depressed since staying at her grandparents' and has put a huge strain on my relationship with them, she has so many other questions now and I don't know how to answer most of them, it makes me so angry at him all the more. She thinks there is something wrong with her, is feeling unloved, wants to know what's so special about her half-brother that her father is this perfect dad to him and doesn't even act as if she exists. She keeps asking to look at his page and has snuck on with my sister-in-laws account when it was up twice now when she's been over at their house. She just started asking if she could meet him again/see him.

 

I wish I could ask her to just drop it but I know that wouldn't be the right thing to do but it's been trying lately for both of us.

[shellyf62]

Wow, what an awesome Step -Mother

I hope you have cut all contact with this evil woman. How dare she show those things to your Daughter. What a cruel & heartless woman she is!!!

 

I think that therapy will be the best thing for your Daughter. Im sorry I cant be much more help.

I hope things get better for her xxx

[Tayla92]

How horrible of your step mother to do such a thing!!!!!!!!!!

 

I can't even imagine how you must feel about all this, and how awful your daughter must be feeling too.. So sorry this is happening to you both.

 

How did he not go to jail for doing that to his daughter when she was 2?? He should have been locked up for good, what a heartless human being.

 

He should never have been able to have another child either.

 

I wish you the best, I'm sorry I do not have any good advice to offer but stay strong and she's much better off without him.

[abitbroken]

You need to sit down with dad and stepmom ASAP without your daughter. You need to set a huge boundary and explain your concern and anger about this and what it has done to your daughter. And I think from now on, daughter is only allowed to go there when you are with her for awhile. What is the deal? Does stepmom feel important by telling her this info? Did your daughter actually ASK about her dad and the stepmom was simply HONEST rather than coming up with a flowery or pat explanation? If your daughter asked about it and stepmom was not coached on what to say to her - that is one thing - if stepmom decided that it was time she knew the truth on her own - that is another.

[DoF]

I agree, serious conversation with dad and step mom. Set boundaries and tell her to NEVER EVER talk to your daughter about this sort of thing again.

 

For now, YOU will always be there when your daughter visits.

 

I would also keep distance going forward.

[RainyCoast]

However much the child may have herself enquired about her father, her asking doesn't mean the gory details about the sperm tree were solicited, or justified. There is a reason why children with a compromised family unit require a skilled, attentive approach. An adult traumatizing a child with information and images which leave her feeling unworthy and unlovable cannot really seriously flail the honesty flag. telling her the truth about her father would not necessesitate a lenghty case summed up in "look at him adoring his dreamboy and spoling him, but you he badmouths and threatens to harm". Whether an adult would do such a thing because they're not completely devoid of malice, or because they're simply abysmally psychologically illiterate ( and it is interesting and telling how feigned obtusity has apparently become a popular means for justifying a whole lot of bizarre behaviors, but i digress) - they've proven unfit to interfere with the child's upbringing in this manner. I would make that amply clear to the stepmother and i would be certain that she gets to experience the boundary consistently.

 

But i think it would be erroneous to interpret the entire situation as the grandmother's fail and your burden of damage control. You've noticed the child had a growing interest in the father and that the abandonement had hurt her to the point she escaped into a fantasy of sorts. I had done something very similar when my parents divorced. On one hand, I understand why someone may want to give the child a perfectly clear view of the s*um that he is because they don't want the child setting herself up for disappointmet, because they don't want her blaming them and her mother for "keeping her away from dad", and because they desperately want her to know why distancing her from him was absolutely needed.

 

That said, undoubtedly all these points can be made without the graphic hurtful descriptive accounts of his acts or about the minutia. And i absolutely believe the stepmum's explanation that disregards the trauma aspect when presenting facts so graphically does cause a very real extra layer of damage to the kid. I have noticed when a child misses the "bad" parent, some of the "good" family folk tend to get wayyy too enraged. They remember his abusiveness, his rotten character, the hell you've been through- in almost flashback-like intensity! And all they want there and then is to stop these idealised yearnings for a p.o.s. man!! and they proceed with a tirade about all the horrible things he did to mum and child. To the child, that translates as "he is the devil himself, good riddance is the proper response to not having him in your life and hence you are not supposed to grieve your loss". The child's "yearnings" don't mean she has no understanding of (or is incapable of understanding) the fact that he never was or will be her "dad" because of how cruel he was, so NO, of course emphasizing his cruelty will not make her miss having a father less. it will, as you've noted, make her feel she was the one unworthy of his fatherly treatment. She needs to be allowed to grieve and express her feelings of missing a dad. It seems to be why she is asking questions. The stories- one makes up a story because they're under the impression admitting their father abandoned them portrays them as unworthy children. This was my own reaction to abandonement- every time i had to explain to children or teachers that i didn't have a dad: that sentence felt so humiliating. I felt like i had just said i'm a pariah and worthless, certainly that must be so if i my own father would abandon me or treat me badly. You're right, the child will ultimately turn to guilt and that is a good thing to keep in mind when deciding who, when and how explores the dad subject with the girl.

 

Maybe (i hope?) the above may be helpful to you when forming the answers to her ever growing questions (children do seek closure to enable themselves a balanced acceptance of the loss as much as adults do), aswers that don't deny there is a reason he needn't be in her life, but acknowledge her feelings all the same. it seems that is how you have already been been adressing her quearies yourself, but it may be too big a loss for you alone to guide her through and it should be very helpful that she's starting therapy. Children who are taught the importance and "normalcy" of mourning and freely explained that adults can be damaged or dysfunctional in many aspects, including parenthood and partnerships, can grow into very emotionally intelligent people.

 

It my seem like your stepmum's behavior was a huge source of the child's distress, but i think it likely, given the childs' attempts to harmonise her feelings in her own ways, she would've required guidance at some point anyway. Despite your very understandable anger (and certainly boundaries are needed), I would consciously remind myself not to look at it like "that B traumatized my already traumatized child and now i have to take her to threapists". I would rather say the situation was a massive trigger. The girl's pain could also have been triggered by lots of other things had this not happened, and you've taken insightful notice of that already.

 

The silver lining for you two girl's is, this drama has ultimately revealed how deep the original wounds went, and you got the cue to start healing them sooner rather than later.

 

You seem very tuned to your daughter's inner world and quick to spot her attempts at coping. I think, with theraphy, you'll be able to support your daughter's healing very well.

 

Hoping you'll update us and cheering you both onwards.

[Seraphim]

Your stepmother needs to be kept away from your daughter until she can learn to communicate properly with a seven-year-old. This is not information you give to a seven-year-old. You never ever give graphic details to a child that young and you don't tear down their parents.

 

Hopefully therapy will help your daughter.

 

Until then I would tell your dad and his wife that they are not seeing your daughter until she's much better.

[RainyCoast]

I think people are fighting the wrong battle here. everyone seems passionately concerned with sending the stepmother to the gallows (and she was indeed horribly, gruesomly, inexcusably wrong in what she did). so do i. but if i were the mum i'd be primarily concerned with having the child's original trauma addressed. (then...yeah, gallows it is)

 

the wretched lady certainly triggered a heartwrenching ache, but were the child's hurt over the separation to remain untreated, i am quite confident that there would have been many more people, events, situations and even normal daily occurences that would continue to trigger the girl and to add layer upon layer of pain.

 

the stepmother i'm sure will be kept behing a solid fence (or entirely cut off for the duration of the girl's recovery) as far as her future interaction with the child goes. That does away with one.single.source of triggers. One. As satisfying as it may seem to linch this character, that sentiment is a mixture of protective instincts and rage. Not the least bit unnatural or wrong, but the child's trauma is by far not resolved with it.

 

I'm glad the child is scheduled for theraphy. Certainly not comfortable with the fact that it was a disturbing and harrowing move on the stepmum's side that brought out the intensity of the child's pain.

 

It is possible both you and the girl will have to train your eyesight to spot silver linings wherever possible for some time to come. And here is one to start with: You have been shown exactly where and how wounded you've been by the abuse and separation. You will have some idea where and how to heal now, which, while difficult, beats the heck out of living your lives in an endless gyration of avoidant tactics and patterns, as people who've refused to tend to their inner conflics are often strongly inclined to do.

 

You found her help, and you recognize her need to understand and make sense out her situation. That is key. You've got this.

 

Keep Cruella at a safe distance though, definitely. ugh.

[leahwjeffries]

First, thank you all for your replies...

 

shellyf62: Cutting contact isn't so easy with her being married to my dad and them having court ordered visitation twice a month. For the most part I seem to have talked (and yelled) some sense into her but it has still happened. I can understand being fed up with some of the stuff but she's only 7 and this is how she coped... Very frustrating situation - to say the least I appreciate the well wishes, I am hoping therapy helps her. We just moved this month so I was finally able to find her someone and get it set up. I think the move's helped, too.

 

--

 

Tayla92: It was, and I still don't even understand all of what she was thinking. She's very nosey and has snooped online at his things (I know as she's mentioned things in passing) and has always been rather blunt but this was all still very unexpected. I didn't think she'd pull this out and do in a million years!

 

The police were called and I took him to court but it didn't seem to matter to much sadly. I tried to get his rights removed but in my state that is at a 99% chance of not happening unless a step-parent is going to adopt. I was at least rewarded the protection orders.

 

I appreciate the well wishes I am hoping things start getting better for her oe way or another soon.

 

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abitbroken: I have - several times now - had family meetings with them to try and figure out why it all happened and to explain why it's a problem... not that it's all sunk in it seems. they have court ordered visitation which makes things more complicated, but if things continue i will have to take them back to court to make a new arrange - if any.

 

My understanding is my daughter was making up a story when a neighbor girl was over playing and afterward my step-mom brought her inside and told her to stop making up lies and it snowballed from there. Still, makes little sense and was very heartless as far as I am concerned.

 

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DoF: The problem with that is it's hard to just have it laid out and then tuck it away. She has so many more questions, wants to know stories about one thing or another, answers repeated, wants to keep lookig at pictures of him or sneak online to see what he's up to. I understand she is curious, confused, depressed, angry and everything in between but it's hard finding a line to be able to help her move forward and not make it worse.

 

I'm afraid I might make it worse to get on to her for these things or to just shut down and say "we're not talking about this anymore." As much as I would like that! I worry it'll just bottle up on her.

 

Hoping I get more direction when therapy comes.

 

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RainyCoast: I have tried handling the situation with my step-mom and father about these issues on my own but honestly I think I will have to make some legal changes to their visitation rights.

 

I had no trouble in answering fact-like questions about her dad and trying to gently explain why he wasn't in her life, turning it around to a positive for those who are in her life, and I was in no way prepared for something like this. It's been a few months since it all came to pass and we've had so much other stuff going on but now that we're settled I am hoping we can get a handle on it all. She doesn't deserve all the harmful thoughts she's pressing on herself and I hate seeing her like this.

 

I don't put all the blame on my step-mom but there is a lot of anger and confusion on my part for how she handled it. I had addressed my daughter's interest with both my daughter and those in her life to try and coach them through what was going on and what I would like them to do in situations but not everything was going to be left in my hands, nor will it ever be This was still quite surprising.

 

I believe we all have a lot of healing and growing to do.

 

I appreciate the kind words, advice and insight!

 

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Victoria66: Easier said than done, as stated above. I have no right - legally, at the moment anyway - to keep them away. I would have to make a new arrangement - if any - through the courts, which is not to say it will not go down that route and that it probably won't take that course

 

I am hoping therapy helps and having some family friends closeby since we moved that have become a "safe place" for her to go and to talk. One day at a time I suppose.

[Seraphim]

Personally ,I would go to court and get their court mandated visitation canceled and I would state to the judge exactly why. Surely as her mother you have more rights than grandparents do.

[abitbroken]

I guess i don't understand why they have court mandated visits. I would think that if you had sole custody and father was nowhere to be found, you would just naturally have her spend time with her grandparents, aunts, uncles at family holidays and whenever you decided to. I could see why the father's parents might have court mandated custody if their son's a bum, but they were always good, supportive grandparents. Unless your dad and stepmom fought you to see your daughter because you forbid them at first??

[lukeb]

I think it is actually more likely your daughter is struggling because you seem to be struggling, and that your daughter is not so much struggling because of what her father did or her grandmother is doing. It is actually a good thing her biological father has started his new life and from what we can tell things are going good for him. I am guessing about the incident with your daughter and yourself on that porch had more to do with how dysfunctional your relationship was with your ex than anything between the father/daughter relationship. (You were both thrown off the porch) Children take their emotional cues from the ones who are their primary caregiver. I do kind of agree with the others that visitation rights with the grandparents need to be re-visited if it is causing you a lot of hardship. The ultimate source of the problems your daughter is having may not be the grandparents, and that may need to be revisited too.

[leahwjeffries]

Victoria66: It is certainly something I am considering doing soon.

 

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abitbroken: They have visitation as they simply filed for it as a third party. (This was during the time I was getting my child support and custody and everything dealt with.) I think they were worried he or his parents might have tried to pull something over at the time and I saw no issue with it at the time.

 

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lukeb: I am sure it reflects some off of me but when it all started it rather came out of the blue with the lies and then I was busy moving us over the summer while she was her grandparents so now it all just feels like a big mess.

 

I am angry at him for many, many things but have never expressed my true feelings about him to her at all. I am angry at him for lying about us though, threatening her, hurting her, acting as if she doesn't exist... much like she is. I should be happy he has moved on and has seemingly turned his life around but it makes me angry, too. Me and him didn't have to work out for him to be a father, he just chose not to.

 

Maybe it falls all back on just me and him but I had never seen him behave like that and never want to again. I am glad he's out of our lives over his hurting her and threatening us like that, his family constantly bad-mouthing me or her and everything. In any event, I hate the situation.

 

I'm glad they are not in our lives, just upset with how we arrived to being that way and how it's going.

[Silverbirch]

OP, I can well understand why you would feel angry and frustrated. Your step-mother sounds like a piece of work as of course your daughters father does. I hope you seek legal advice on this. I hope you can create a safe, happy and peaceful life for both you and your daughter. Little darling shouldn't have had to go through any of that.