No spark, I want to be platonic friends with her, but is she upset?

[Cascade]

Hi everyone, I read this forum before but never joined, so here goes my first question and I hope people on here can give their opinion on it, as I am a little confused.

 

Basically, I am 30 y.o. and I went on a date with this girl I met in public when I asked for her number.

We went on a couple dates, and both the first and second date was fun but she rejected my kiss attempt on both dates, so I essentially gave up at this point and focused more on other women and sex with other women.

 

However the thing is that we met about 5 times since then and I have not tried to kiss her (I even texted her after the second kiss rejection saying I am not going to try again, with a "lol" at the end).

And sure enough I have not tried to kiss her after the second rejection of a kiss attempt.

 

I have kept on meeting up with her mostly as I enjoy her company as a friend (honestly) and also as she does have connections to sell me some "herbal therapeutic medicines" which I can not find easily in my area, and which I am not going to go into detail what those herbal medicines are as that is irrelevant to the question.

 

The last time we met she mentioned how with that text about me not wanting to try kissing her again, and then she said in a really awkward way that she is not wanting sex and that she likes to be friends.

However since then she has not really messaged me anymore or replied to me.

I am totally confused, since when she mentioned that she does not want sex with me and she just wants to be friends, I smiled and said that I had that feeling that we would be just friends as there is no sexual chemistry, and I figured we had no spark, and I then also admitted to her that I was seeing other women anyway after the second date when she rejected my kiss attempt for the second time, as at that point I knew that there was no sexual chemistry.

She was stunned when I said this in response to her giving me the "lets be friends speech" and she didn't know what to say to it.

But from her body language she seemed a bit annoyed or at least she seemed shaken from her comfort zone a bit.

 

Now, what is your views on this?

Did she actually like me and was she trying to play it slow? (not sure how a girl can reject a guy twice and still expect him to chase)

Or, is it an ego thing since she always used to talk how guys chase her and don't get the hint and they want sex from her etc etc, and now I am just taking it cool and not chasing her for sex maybe this has hit her ego a bit?

 

I am just a little confused, since she knows I am dating and sleeping with other women now I told her, and I said that I want to be just friends with her and I am cool with that.

So I am not sure why she would be acting this way since I am basically communicating to her in a non explicit way that "hey, I know you are hot, but I am not going to chase you, I am getting sex elsewhere as I know I am a desirable man, but I am happy to hang out with you as a friend only since there are benefits for me with a platonic friendship" (obviously I am not telling her this, but this is what I think I am communicating to her with my actions).

 

What do you guys think?

[mhowe]

I think you are full of it. Trying to kiss virtual stranger and being turned down would be normal.

If you are dating and having sex with other women, why on earth would you keep hanging out with her. She isn't a friend....you have been in her company all of 7 times.

 

Drop the pretense. I am sure she will sell you herbal supplements without you feigning friendship.

[DoF]

So you are not a friend and she is a sales person.

 

Why is irrelevant. There is no friendships (unless you are into pretending thing).....so keep looking.

[Movingforward3]

She is your drug dealer, nothing more.

[ParisPaulette]

Yep, treat her as a source and nothing else. You bruised her ego is all, but if she has an ego to be bruised that easily you want to give this one a very wide berth.

 

Stop worrying about it, continue seeing other women who are interested.

[Cascade]

I think you are full of it. Trying to kiss virtual stranger and being turned down would be normal.

If you are dating and having sex with other women, why on earth would you keep hanging out with her. She isn't a friend....you have been in her company all of 7 times.

 

Drop the pretense. I am sure she will sell you herbal supplements without you feigning friendship.

I am not "full of it", well ok maybe a little arrogant but, but to be fair I find that since I adopted the multiple dating style and sleeping around I ironically become more attractive to women as I don't get "oneitis" which totally makes me a soppy unattractive person.

I also don't pretend that I can get any woman I want, just that I find that being confident and approaching women and such and not getting stuck on one is the best way for me (maybe not for everyone) but ideally I want one woman to love, however in my experience this is hard to get since "oneitis" kills it everytime.

 

Also how is going in for the kiss with a girl on a first date or second date bad?

(she never sold me anything until after the second date anyway)

Initially I simply met her in public and asked her number to take her for a drink "which I did" and she rejected my kiss.

Usually a girl will kiss me on a first date (this is not just because it's me, but it is a normal thing for all men).

At least to test if there is chemistry in the kiss.

But she didn't let me kiss her.

 

I am being analytical of the situation here, I am not trying to be arrogant at all, since chemistry is important regardless of who we are.

 

So you are not a friend and she is a sales person.

 

Why is irrelevant. There is no friendships (unless you are into pretending thing).....so keep looking.

Well yeah, as long as she can sell me items I want then it's fine.

I am just hoping that the situation is not too awkward basically.

But we did get along well and we can chat for hours about things, so that is a foundation of a friendship of sorts surely?

 

She is your drug dealer, nothing more.

Not sure what you mean about drugs as I never said it was drugs, since I would never do that obviously lol, but thanks for the reply.

[Cascade]

Yep, treat her as a source and nothing else. You bruised her ego is all, but if she has an ego to be bruised that easily you want to give this one a very wide berth.

 

Stop worrying about it, continue seeing other women who are interested.

 

Yeah for sure, she is a bit odd, I think personally she likes to have guys chase her, since she did talk a lot (even from the first date) how this or that man is chasing her and won't get the hint etc, so from my view I think she likes the attention of being chased by men and acting like "ohh this man is after me and won't leave me alone" type of thing.

I don't think I have missed out on anything, since I tried and she clearly is not interested or likes to have men chase her or whatever, but point is that I know there is no point to chasing her, since at some level she is either playing games, has attention seeking issues, is not interested in me, or all of the above, lol.

 

I just hope this situation has not made it awkward to buy products from her, since they are very good quality, haha.

[JustWishing]

Maybe there was a spark on her part, but you kind of killed it. She didn't want to hear that you are having sex and seeing other women while you are trying to kiss her. Keep a business relationship with her, but I would move on if I were you.

[melancholy123]

Not all women want to kiss a guy on the first or second date, no matter how hot he thinks he is! Keep playing the field as that suits you, and dont chase the one who doesnt want you.

[DoF]

Well yeah, as long as she can sell me items I want then it's fine.

I am just hoping that the situation is not too awkward basically.

But we did get along well and we can chat for hours about things, so that is a foundation of a friendship of sorts surely?

 

I don't usually engage into "relations" or talks of ANY kind with people that "sell me things".

[Cascade]

Maybe there was a spark on her part, but you kind of killed it. She didn't want to hear that you are having sex and seeing other women while you are trying to kiss her. Keep a business relationship with her, but I would move on if I were you.

I was thinking the same thing initially as I like to de-construct situations to learn from them, but I only told her this stuff after she told me that she doesn't want sex with me and only wants to be friends.

I pretty much matched her and agreed with her and then said I want the same thing and I told her I am happy she mentioned it since it is good we speak about it as I enjoy spending time with her, but that I agree we should be friends.

So I agreed with her, and I agree that maybe her ego was bruised (like ParisPaulette said) as maybe she expected me to be more upset when she told me this.

I mean, at the point the woman says the "lets just be friends" thing, the only wise thing to do is agree and then give up trying to pursue her sexually, as anything else would seem like begging or just plain sad and pathetic I reckon.

 

Not all women want to kiss a guy on the first or second date, no matter how hot he thinks he is! Keep playing the field as that suits you, and dont chase the one who doesnt want you.

But, I mean, a kiss is just a kiss, it is a good test of chemistry, as if there is no chemistry in a kiss (I have been on dates with women whos kiss was totally not compatible to my style of kissing and so I couldn't date someone who I can't kiss, as I am sure everyone can agree on this).

I think maybe the first date she can reject the kiss, but the second date rejecting the kiss and still expecting the guy to make yet another attempt is putting her in the position of being the dominant one and making me look pathetic if I tried a 3rd time.

That's my view anyway, but feel free to disagree.

[Sportster2005]

I am not "full of it", well ok maybe a little arrogant but, but to be fair I find that since I adopted the multiple dating style and sleeping around I ironically become more attractive to women as I don't get "oneitis" which totally makes me a soppy unattractive person.

I also don't pretend that I can get any woman I want, just that I find that being confident and approaching women and such and not getting stuck on one is the best way for me (maybe not for everyone) but ideally I want one woman to love, however in my experience this is hard to get since "oneitis" kills it everytime.

 

You're either arrogant or not. It's like being pregnant.

 

Sounds like you've been reading too much PUA advice on the Internet. Oneitis is bad. So is being manipulative.

 

She doesn't want to be your friend. Usually people don't want to be our friend because they don't like us. It's not some deep meta mystery bubbling beneath the surface.

[TMifune]

I'll apologize because I was really about to mock you for this. "Kissing Style?" "Dominant one"? You may need to rethink some things.

 

I kinda think you want to use her to get to her girlfriends or keep her around in the hopes that in some weak moment she'll screw you, but hey, that's just conjecture. If you really want to be friends, then set the tone for communication in the "friendship" by being honest and asking questions honestly. If you want to know if she's upset, ask her.

[RainyCoast]

look sweety, you can keep your preferences if they work for you. you don't work for her.

 

it's that simple.

[Cascade]

You're either arrogant or not. It's like being pregnant.

 

Sounds like you've been reading too much PUA advice on the Internet. Oneitis is bad. So is being manipulative.

 

She doesn't want to be your friend. Usually people don't want to be our friend because they don't like us. It's not some deep meta mystery bubbling beneath the surface.

That's quite thought provoking, and I have to agree with you.

I mean yes I read PUA advice, but I did not do PUA stuff, I read "The Game" but that book did change my life, I adopted parts of that mantra, without the robotic and silly parts.

I learned that at the core of things that it is only good to focus on one woman once 1. I have had sex with her, 2. There is mutual attraction and comfort established over a month or two or so and it feels like we are really both into each other and thus naturally I will want to be exclusive with her.

However in the initial stages of dating being exclusive is not a good thing IMO.

That has only got me trouble.

I would be interested to know if you hate the idea of PUA (I do if it is done the way that most people do it), as I think there are good lesson hidden in PUA at the core of it.

But this would be another topic entirely possibly. But it does interest me what women think of this also as well as men.

 

I'll apologize because I was really about to mock you for this. "Kissing Style?" "Dominant one"? You may need to rethink some things.

 

I kinda think you want to use her to get to her girlfriends or keep her around in the hopes that in some weak moment she'll screw you, but hey, that's just conjecture. If you really want to be friends, then set the tone for communication in the "friendship" by being honest and asking questions honestly. If you want to know if she's upset, ask her.

I think kissing does have a major factor, I mean look, I am not here to brag and stuff but I have kissed enough women to know that every woman you kiss is different as an experience, and you can kind of tell a lot from a kiss.

We are not 16 year olds here, we are adults, so by age 30 a woman should know how to kiss and have a style of kissing etc, this has everything to do with compatibility as a bad kiss can ruin things since this is integral to sexual compatibility.

 

When I said "dominant one" I do not mean I wish to be dominant, but rather that it would make me seem pathetic to try a 3rd time to kiss a woman who has denied me twice (I am sure people can agree on this?)

Maybe "dominant" was a wrong choice of words, but more like that the balance is way out of whack.

 

look sweety, you can keep your preferences if they work for you. you don't work for her.

 

it's that simple.

Yeah, I mean this seems quite clear, but I already said I want to just have a platonic relationship with her anyway.

I am quite happy for that as even if she did want sex one day, I am not 100% sure this would be a good idea since that could do more damage as I do want to keep her around as a platonic friend, and sex has a habit of ruining things if it doesn't work out, since you can't really step back after that.

[LC8328]

Or, is it an ego thing since she always used to talk how guys chase her and don't get the hint and they want sex from her etc etc, and now I am just taking it cool and not chasing her for sex maybe this has hit her ego a bit?

 

 

Yes. This exactly. It appears she wanted you still trying for a kiss while she rejects you. She doesn't like that you had the self-respect to move on. LOL.

[RainyCoast]

Yeah, I mean this seems quite clear, but I already said I want to just have a platonic relationship with her anyway.

well tough luck because she doesn't.

 

you said you want to suggest a friendship that would occasionally result in sex. she sees nothing in it for her, so she's not interested in rip off offers. herein lies the reason for someone pointing out the "lesson on manipulation" would be better suited to you than pua lessons. the other reason is because, as you've witnessed, ocassionally females have some semblance of self-respect that makes the pua behavior an instant deal breaker for a great deal of them.

 

if you prefer platonic arrangements you'll simply have to stick to the women who are on the same level, ehm, page with you. this one may have an ego that bruises easily, but that doesn't mean she's susceptible to your offer.

 

edit:

and I then also admitted to her that I was seeing other women anyway after the second date when she rejected my kiss attempt for the second time, as at that point I knew that there was no sexual chemistry.

She was stunned when I said this in response to her giving me the "lets be friends speech" and she didn't know what to say to it.

But from her body language she seemed a bit annoyed or at least she seemed shaken from her comfort zone a bit.

not sure that's a reaction suggestive of an impaled ego so much as maybe a reaction of negative surprise. she may be amongst the folks who dislike dating multiple people at a time even (seeing as she was taken aback that there were other girls at the time of the kiss), hence the idea that she should agree to provide sex (which seemingly isn't enough of a benefit to her for her to consider a fwb) would strike her perhaps somewhat conservative nature as a tad bit appaling. just a thought.

[Cascade]

Yes. This exactly. It appears she wanted you still trying for a kiss while she rejects you. She doesn't like that you had the self-respect to move on. LOL.

 

Yeah, well I can't tell if you are being serious or not, haha, but I mean it works both ways too, but I mean, I am not saying all women are like this, so I am not therefore a misogynist since I been seeing a lovely lady since then for a few dates and we had sex already and I want to continue that and see where it goes.

But women who play these games of "see how far the guy will go to try to get me" are delusional women, and they need to be shown the door... however I am happy to be friends with that sort of person, since if I am establishing that I am not interested in her sexually then my ego is not at risk then.

I am very proud and will not take garbage from anyone.

I tried to kiss her twice, she denied both times, game over for chemistry in my book.

[Cascade]

I never said I want a FWB thing with her, I just want a totally platonic friendship with her (no sex at all).

I categorise "friends" differently to "Friends with benefits" or "dating" etc. A totally platonic friendship means there is no pressure for sex or flirting etc, I am happy to be platonic friends with some women, as I accept I don't need to have sex with every woman I meet etc.

I think that even without the possibility of sex, that I would still like to hang out with her (no sex).

How is that bad?

At the point a woman indicates she is not interested in me, I am accepting of that, but that does not prevent a non-sexual friendship surely.

[mhowe]

Was there any chemistry to begin with, or do you simply try to kiss every woman you date on the first date?

[RainyCoast]

in her book, the game is over sex-wise. most she wanted was the feeling of being pursued, the physical part she wasn't interested in and made it clear.

 

if you are too proud to take the garbage, why are you wanting to coerce sex out of the "garbage" who would rather hump a cactus by the sounds of it?

 

there are girls far more open to your ideas aplenty, and certainly girls who can live without "the chase ego fodder". what a waste of time to reel around an unwilling subject.

 

heck, if she's super ego vulnerable, she might even decide she can afford to lose a herbs customer.

[Cascade]

Was there any chemistry to begin with, or do you simply try to kiss every woman you date on the first date?

 

Not sure, she was very drunk on the first date, but hmm, maybe maybe not, I can't tell for sure.

From my point of view I will honestly say that no, there was no chemistry sexually even from the beginning, for me anyway, but she is attractive and I did try it on with her of course, but I do accept the answer "no", I do not push when a woman is clearly not wanting me to go further.

 

The whole situation is quite confusing, as since we never kissed at all, then yeah, I mean why is it bad I tell her I was seeing other women now that she said to me we should just be friends?

I owe her nothing, we never kissed, never held hands, never had sex, nothing.

We basically had drinks and a nice time but no kiss, and met several times and hung out as friends anyway.

This whole thing reminds me of that movie where Billy Crystal says about how men and women can never be true friends.

But in all honestly she is cool and we laugh and talk about life and all, but yeah, I mean if I am totally honest, I didn't really feel the "zing" or spark with her.

When speaking to her it was fun but it felt like I was hanging out with one of my guy friends (even though she is attractive it still felt like this chemistry wise).

[Clarisse]

When she offered friendship, I think you should have simply accepted and said "That sounds great. I feel the same way" and left it at that. Going on about the fact that you're dating and sleeping with other women was unnecessary and made it sound like you were giving her a dig because she rejected your kissing attempts. You really didn't need to tell her that. It goes without saying that you are both pursuing other romantic interests.

[RainyCoast]

I never said I want a FWB thing with her, I just want a totally platonic friendship with her (no sex at all).

I categorise "friends" differently to "Friends with benefits" or "dating" etc. A totally platonic friendship means there is no pressure for sex or flirting etc, I am happy to be platonic friends with some women, as I accept I don't need to have sex with every woman I meet etc.

I think that even without the possibility of sex, that I would still like to hang out with her (no sex).

How is that bad?

At the point a woman indicates she is not interested in me, I am accepting of that, but that does not prevent a non-sexual friendship surely.

 

that wasn't how your post read to me. most people do not put this much contriving into making friends. because most are not trying to make friends by turning unwilling people into willing ones. friendships are made of parties who are all willing and interested. coercing implies a different kind of motive and different kind of interest.

 

she's not a gem, don't get me wrong. not picking the girl's side. but you're the poster, not her. i agree you'd get more done by being honest with yourself and the responsers here.

[Cascade]

in her book, the game is over sex-wise. most she wanted was the feeling of being pursued, the physical part she wasn't interested in and made it clear.

 

if you are too proud to take the garbage, why are you wanting to coerce sex out of the "garbage" who would rather hump a cactus by the sounds of it?

 

there are girls far more open to your ideas aplenty, and certainly girls who can live without "the chase ego fodder". what a waste of time to reel around an unwilling subject.

 

heck, if she's super ego vulnerable, she might even decide she can afford to lose a herbs customer.

 

Are you even reading my posts?

I said I do not want sex from her but you keep saying that I want sex from her.

Can you read or do you have trouble with that?

You sound like a troll to me or someone with issues at least.

I hope it is simply that you have been skim reading my messages and not actually reading them properly.

Where in any of my messages did I say I am still trying to have sex with her???

 

I wish you all the best in your life, but you are exactly the type of woman I avoid like the plague.

Take Care.