UniformKnight Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Hi all Sorry for just joining and already asking for advice, just need a little bit of advice as I don't know what to do, here's is the back ground on our relationship, sorry for such a long post! I am now 29 and my wife is 24 and in 2013 I proposed to my partner who was 22 at the time with the proposed marriage date of May 2015, everything has been goin well as you would expect. 2015 came round quick and things were slowly coming together but in February 2015 Monday morning my partner had the dreadful news, her mother in her 50's had unfortunately passed away, they were not very close due to past family issues but never the less she took this very hard as you would expect. I supported her the best I knew how but on the Thursday more bad news arose, her sister had been diagnosed with cancer and the following Monday her Nan had passed away, they always say they come in 3's right?? Anyway things finally started picking up as we were both where organising the final bits to our big day only a few months away, the wedding, weather and service went like clockwork and couldn't have been better due to recent circumstances, and a few days later we were off on our 4 week honeymoon, when we returned back from our honeymoon mid June things seemed to pick up and we became intimate again for the first time since April. Since then things seem to be going a little stale again, 5 months have passed now and we haven't touched or become intimate ever since, even to the point we have the odd long kiss but that's all, I have tried on numerous occasions to start things but she doesn't seem interested and just blanks me or says she's too tired etc, maybe it's me thinking too much of it but it feels like she doesn't seem attracted to me anymore. I spoke to her couple of weeks ago about it for the first time she gets very shy talking about it and says nothing is wrong and she's just being silly, things seemed to improve a little more kissing and cuddling but nothing more. I understand that now the manic of our wedding is over maybe she has the time to think about things that happened earlier on in the year which I totally understand as she didn't really have the time to grieve over but surely there must be more to it than this not to even want to be close to your husband? I thought so many different things over the months, does she regret marrying me, does she not see me attractive anymore, maybe she wants to be with someone else? All going through my head. She is a stunning lady and even since day one I used to get random people shout out to us in night clubs etc what's she doing with him which really did loose my confidence, she has always been there for me during some very hard times with my family's health issues, and I see her not only as my wife but also my best friend but it feels like things are turning sour and I do not know what else to do and looking for a bit of outside help. We do both have busy lives with work but we do spend every evening together and go out on "date nights" as such whether it be cinema or food, before anyone asks her sister is now slowly on the mend. Thanks for reading xx Link to comment
alldaisies Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 For what you describe, seem that you both are in love. Maybe is she just having a bad time and nothing more. It is sad that she does not want to open up or talk to you about. Maybe she needs external support, go and see a therapist. She has dealt with many situations in a very brief period of time, anyone could get deeply affected with that. Link to comment
UniformKnight Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 I understand she's been through a tuff time I have a very very poorly father and of course it all puts a strain on things as my mother had cancer few years ago so I can relate to her feelings, and I honestly am besotted with her and would do anything for her, we are in process of selling the place we live in which I had before I met her and we are buying our own place together as we speak, hopefully once we do move things may become more like hers as she has an input to things, but just feel something is wrong between us but hopefully I'm wrong Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I second that. she has trumendous stressors happen to her this year. She could be reacting this way in ways of mourning. Not intentionally trying to have it affect you & the relationship. She could now be Depressed, from her losses & bad news. I suggest mentioning some prof help to her? See if she does and if that helps things over time. Link to comment
UniformKnight Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 Before anyone thinks I am more interested in sex than her emotions it's not true Link to comment
alldaisies Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Seek for help uniformknight, I am not a doctor or counselor or anything like that. But seem that you are in a relation worthy to save, that you both are in love, but you both have gone through tough times. If I am you, I will seek for the help of a professional. You are right, something is happening with her. But she is the only one that can tell you what, and if she does not want, maybe she need to talk to a person outside the marry. Or just give her more time, wait to move to the new place and see what happens with her and your relation. Maybe that new start if all you both need. Good luck. Wish you both well. Link to comment
b0ris Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 I think its a lot for her to take in, on top of getting married as well. My dad was diagnosed with lung, liver & kidney cancer about 3 yrs ago. I watched him suffer & get weaker, & he was in & out of emergency all the time. My parents are elderly so I helped out where I could as my father couldn't leave the house anymore. I was always on edge thinking the worst when he was in & out of there. Always on my mind. I was always worrying. He died a yr after he was diagnosed. I only really grieved after the funeral. I still get upset even now despite the fact that we weren't that close, & I would go off to the bathroom for a little cry so that my partner could see me like that. My mum had trouble coping so I've been helping her since my dads death, there's a lot that needs doing to their house that I'm trying to fix on my own, which again has caused a lot of stress. These things along with my partners paranoia & lack of trust over the yrs have heightened my stress & I've lost it on a few occasions with her after yrs of this. Your wife has probably got a lot of thoughts & emotions swirling around inside her. Its a lot to hold onto, but I'm sure she loves you dearly. Its just that she has other things on her mind right now. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 While the above thoughts make sense... Do you feel you were compatible before the vows? Was it a trapped marriage? Have you had any fights? Has she made any specific complaints about you? Can you account for most of her time away from you? Link to comment
UniformKnight Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 While the above thoughts make sense... Do you feel you were compatible before the vows? Was it a trapped marriage? Have you had any fights? Has she made any specific complaints about you? Can you account for most of her time away from you? Thanks for all the comments I'll see how things go and hopefully once we move things will come back. Lester I am not sure exactly when your implying with your questions but it was a joint decision to get married I'm sure if she didn't want to marry me she wouldn't have. We never fight yes we have the very very rare disagreement but in all the time we have been together we have never argued, we are both in the same mind that arguments should be sorted there and then rather than to boil. What do you mean about her time away from me, I trust her 100% so I don't need to know what she's doing every minute of every day Link to comment
Snny Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 She is a stunning lady and even since day one I used to get random people shout out to us in night clubs etc what's she doing with him which really did loose my confidence Oh yea, like you really should take those drunken comments seriously. Many people who go to clubs usually end up being wasted. My husband and I have been threatened, stalked, and harassed in public for being an interracial couple- and these didn't happen over a decade ago. Ignore them. Those things really shouldn't shake your confidence at all. I don't envy your wife at all. What a crappy way to start this year of losing two family members and having to adjust to a married life. That's honestly rough. She really should see a therapist since you have done everything you can. If she needs the support, offer to go with her. We never fight yes we have the very very rare disagreement but in all the time we have been together we have never argued, we are both in the same mind that arguments should be sorted there and then rather than to boil. I'm not even sure if this is healthy. The one skill that is a MUST HAVE before getting married is learning how to handle conflict. All couples have fights or arguments- even in strong, healthy relationships. It makes me question how long you both dated before the engagement happened because every couple has fights or disagreements. How do you guys handle conflict or any disagreements then? Do you guys avoid conflict altogether or sweep them under the rug? I ask because I noticed there might be a communication problem: Since then things seem to be going a little stale again, 5 months have passed now and we haven't touched or become intimate ever since, even to the point we have the odd long kiss but that's all, I have tried on numerous occasions to start things but she doesn't seem interested and just blanks me or says she's too tired etc, maybe it's me thinking too much of it but it feels like she doesn't seem attracted to me anymore. I spoke to her couple of weeks ago about it for the first time she gets very shy talking about it and says nothing is wrong and she's just being silly, things seemed to improve a little more kissing and cuddling but nothing more. Why the long wait to address the problem? Also, what to you mean when she "blanks" you? Communication skills need some work here. Link to comment
Lester Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Don't think of it as implying Knight, instead, think of it as a challenge. You are here with a very real problem, don't expect it to just float away. Millions of people have lost loved ones near and even on the same day as their wedding. Yes they grieve, but five months of sexless grieving is way over the top. Millions of reasons, here's one more: They dated briefly, it felt good so they thought is must be love. Within months they moved in together, shared bills, chores and duties for eight years. Finally they married and she moved out ten months later. When asked why, she responded; "I loved the idea of marriage, not marriage." PS, Be brave Knight. Link to comment
UniformKnight Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Wish I never asked for advice now thanks.... I said we have our disagreements and we sort the issues before they turn into arguments as we are both in the same mind not to carry on arguments, I didn't say issues are just ignored so please don't read into things that aren't said. I know you all are trying to help but when I get things implying she's cheating etc it's not making things any easier Link to comment
Lester Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I'm not here to upset you..., sorry! Just forget about my posts. Best to you and yours! Link to comment
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