Redabc123 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months. At the beginning things were great . We got long great and we were completely in tune with one another. It's what I have been looking for for years. I'm We hit it off pretty quickly and things kind of got serious pretty quick. You know that saying when things start off too hot they fizzle out quickly, it might be what is going on now but I hope not. For the past 3 or 4 weeks he has been going thorough a lot financially and has had to move from one place to another and work hasn't been going well. He is an entrepreneur. Things have been slow and also he has had two root canals that have left him in pain and has been trying to heal from them. I have have seen him twice in these past few weeks. Our communication has gone down tremdiouslously we used to talk everyday by phone now it's a text or two a day if even that. There has been day or two where I don't hear from him. I tried talking to him about what's going on but he says it's not me he is just going through a lot and needs to figure it out. I have tried not to be clingy and more understanding but it's been pretty hard. I don't know when to contact him and when not to. Today is his birthday. I had a really nice weekend planned for us. He got a crown put on his tooth since his root canal healed and he says he has been in pain because of it. This happened on Friday. I have barley spoken to him since. He hasn't answered my text and when I did talk to him he said he was in pain and just wanted to sleep. I completely broke down. I have been pretty sad for the entire weekend not really sure what to do about this situation. I'm trying to be there for him but this seems to be getting worse. I don't know where he lives now since he just moved last week or I would stop by. Should I wish him a happy birthday? Should I just keep to myself? I don't want to break up but With no communication and not seeing each other it has been a lot on me and we just started dating. I care for him a lot but I don't know what to do because I could see this working minus the issues any advice would be great thanks! Link to comment
sleepingdonut Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Say, "Happy birthday. I miss you and I can be there for you if you'll let me. I need someone who will let me, so I hope you'll fight past whatever it is going on inside you. You don't have to feel alone." ...or something to that effect. Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 He wants out and he uses any excuse he can think of. It's as simple as that. It's not just that you've only seen him twice in the last month or so. It's also that he won't even text you now. I would consider this relationship over and done with. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 He wants out and he uses any excuse he can think of. It's as simple as that. It's not just that you've only seen him twice in the last month or so. It's also that he won't even text you now. I would consider this relationship over and done with. I asked him if he wanted out and he told me no. I asked him in person. He said he was just going through a lot and had a lot on his mind. I have seen him twice because he has either been sick or working. If he is telling me he doesn't want to break up then shouldn't I take his word for it? Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 If he is telling me he doesn't want to break up then shouldn't I take his word for it? No, you should look at his actions. A crown on the tooth doesn't prevent someone from sending a text. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 No, you should look at his actions. A crown on the tooth doesn't prevent someone from sending a text. I know when I ask him he says he is tired from the meds they put him on. What should I do? Should even wish him a happy birthday? Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would wish him a happy birthday but nothing else. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would wish him a happy birthday but nothing else. I know it sounds silly but I don't want to break up with him. I know he is going through a lot. What would you do? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would believe him. He's in pain and wants to sleep and get through Tia. Out had a life before you were dating...focus on that and not him. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 One of the benefits of being in a relationship with someone is having extra support. Things get difficult along the way at times and we all need a little help here or there. I'm more shocked by the fact that since he's moved you still don't know where he lives and he has limited contact with you, making that difficult for you to find out. In the past several weeks he has limited contact with you and you don't know where he lives. That sounds to me like someone trying to avoid their responsibility. Things come up all the time between couples, but a sore tooth and stress on the job is not an excuse to flake on your significant other. If it is, for him, that makes me question what will life be like when real disaster strikes. A sore tooth and work stress is not worth the lint of the world's problems that can happen. I think you need to explain that to him but in a way that doesn't allow him to continue avoiding you. Nobody gets involved in an exclusive relationship to become single. You can be single by yourself. If every time a problem arises he disappears, where will he be when you really need him? What if you become sick and he has to pay all the bills, maintain the house and be at your bedside -- then the pressure gets to be too much for him and he bails out on you? These are the kind of things you have to take notice of and ask yourself if this is all worth it. From where I'm standing it isn't and you're being slighted by phony excuses from a guy who has lost interest in the relationship and isn't man enough to admit it. Most guys I know would want the comfort and security of their girlfriend to be at their side when they are down. Men aren't total hermit crabs about their emotions; we hurt too, we need affection, support, comfort and assurance as well. My guess is that if he's the type of man that doesn't need any of that, I'm not saying it couldn't work, but it would take quite a lot on your part to accept that of him. Look at what it's doing to you now. Very briefly, I once dated a woman who somewhat did the same thing. When life was great, it was great. But when things went bad she would seclude herself into this dark cave and never come out -- until she felt better. She wouldn't answer calls, slow to respond to text and would wait for me to contact her. Sometimes it would go on for a week or two. I found myself feeling manipulated and on eggshells around her because if she got set off, she would disappear. Finally after three years, although she was a good girlfriend, she wasn't someone I wanted to be with long term; I couldn't see myself marrying her so I decided to end things. Best of luck. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 Thank you for this. I think that's why I have been emotional this weekend. Asking myself is this all worth it. I feel like I'm putting forth all the effort. My fear in this is that I'm being patient and understanding but in the end he could still break up with me. I'm the opposite when I'm down I like to have my loved one around me. I told him he is beginning to push me away. I don't know whether to draw close or give him space. I made him this happy birthday video since I hadn't seen him all weekend and I don't know if I should send it or wish him a happy birthday. This is all New so I'm hoping it will pass but you made so much sense now I just don't know Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 You have been dating 3 months, not 3 years. He has told you what he wants. Just because you would want support doesn't make your way his way. Since there is nothing you need to do, text him happy birthday and go out and do something today besides fume about the fact that he is in pain and wants to be alone. Btw...moving is considered one of the top stressors in life. You need to relax. Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 You have been dating 3 months, not 3 years. He has told you what he wants. Just because you would want support doesn't make your way his way. Since there is nothing you need to do, text him happy birthday and go out and do something today besides fume about the fact that he is in pain and wants to be alone. Btw...moving is considered one of the top stressors in life. You need to relax. Not sure I agree with that. Link to comment
greta96 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I have had root canals, I have had wisdom teeth surgery and I have had other kinds of dental surgery too, and it has never, not even once, prevented me from going out that very night (not eating of course), from socializing with people, from going to work or - obviously - sending texts and emails to people I wanted to communicate with. Modern medicine has made it so that any dental procedure is as pain free as possible. Now I know everyone is different and has different pain thresholds, but I cannot believe the excuse that seems to be his "get out of jail free" card - how he's always in pain after each and every dental procedure he has. And who schedules a root canal the day before their birthday, when they know they have celebratory plans with their partner? Yeah I don't buy it. Your gut feeling already told you what's going on - this relationship is not one of those made to last. Trust your gut. And also look at his actions, and his attitude towards you. Not calling or texting is a classic tell tale sign that someone is on his way out. Look at the facts not at what your heart wishes it was. What I would do? I would send him a b-day text, no video, I'd just say "Happy Birthday and many more" and then back off completely. Give yourself a week; if you don't hear from him by the end of it, then end this, because it's not going anywhere by the looks of it. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Everything is great in the beginning of a relationship. That's never what you should base your standards for the relationship on, never. You base your standards on how they are with you right in the here and now and how they deal with things like pain and loss. You're seeing this now with this guy. Either accept this is who he really is now that that fresh honeymoon glow has worn off for him, and that was really fast BTW which does not bode well, or leave. But yes dental work and being in pain are not a good mix. Let him alone, let him sleep it off, pull back and go out with friends yourself.. You have a life outside of him and you need to maintain that. Getting clingy and being all over him when he has pulled away from you is the wrong thing to do. He has either lost interest or he goes into a cave when life is bad. And now feels comfortable enough with you to ignore you when those things happen. You either need to be someone who doesn't need a whole lot of attention or have such a full life that you don't care one way or another or you need to find someone a little less prone to wearing a mask then taking it off the moment they think they've "got you." And if this "slump" continues then you need to acknowledge this is who he really is and ask yourself if you want to invest any more time in the relationship. It's only been three months and within that first six month timeframe there are people who start out really strong then change their mind and opt for the slow fade rather than to outright break up with you. You want the guy who gets closer to you as time goes on, not the one who gets more distant. And there's nothing you can do about that, but go about your own life and maintain your own boundaries. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 Thanks everyone! I know what I need to do. It hurts and it sucks because I really thought this would work. I did send him a happy birthday text and a video. He didn't reply back. That just showed me what I mean to him. I appreciate everyone's advice Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Hugs Redabc123, I know it hurts. At least he did this now instead of three years from now. BTW dental work doesn't keep one from texting back a simple thank you. So rude. Block, delete, heal and move on. You want the guy that continues to grow that connection with you, dental work or no, not the coward who doesn't have the guts to even say, "I'm over it." Link to comment
Stay_home Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Thanks everyone! I know what I need to do. It hurts and it sucks because I really thought this would work. I did send him a happy birthday text and a video. He didn't reply back. That just showed me what I mean to him. I appreciate everyone's advice So you have your answer. Clearly he is no longer interested in you. This saves you time and gives you the option to move on and find someone else that will. I'm a firm believer that in life we make time for the things we want. A sore tooth and trouble on the job is not going to keep someone away who really wants to be with you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I know it sounds silly but I don't want to break up with him. I know he is going through a lot. What would you do? Break up with him. When actions don't match words, and even his words are pretty lackluster, it's clear that you are not in a relationship where both of you are equally committed. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Update: since I last posted things began to spiral. He came over the day of his birthday, he loved the video and gifts, and was really appreciative. He was still in pain from his crown but had a pretty good time. He asked if we could spend the following weekend together. We agreed to do that. That week I didn't hear from him too much because I knew that he was catching up on work. We still planed to see eachother. Saturday comes and I don't hear from him, I called him and got a text back that he was he was being kicked out of the apartment he was renting temporarily with his sisters friend and he couldn't talk, was upset. I didn't text back and decided to wait a few days until things calmed down. Also I have offered for him to stay at my place since I live alone many times but he said he didn't feel right about doing it. The day he came over he also mentioned his finances we dawdling down, so he was stressed about that. I didn't contact him for about 5 days. I texted him yesterday and asked how he was, he replied that he was trying to figure out what he was going to do but working. I replied but didn't get response, I got worried a sent another but no response. I don't know what to do now, I care for him but this has gone from bad to worse. I know this is about his situation and not me. We talked about it. Any advice I feel very torn, he knows I'm here for him but I feel like this is beyond me....please don't be too critical I just need honest and good advice about what to do. Thanks Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 What you need to do is break up with him. You're last on his list of priorities..why do you let him treat you like that? Don't you think you deserve better? Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 What you need to do is break up with him. You're last on his list of priorities..why do you let him treat you like that? Don't you think you deserve better? I do... I keep telling myself that, but I feel bad for his situation. I think to break up with him is lot easier said than done because I have feelings for him. How do I even have a conversation about a break up if he isn't communicating with me. Link to comment
missmarple Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I do... I keep telling myself that, but I feel bad for his situation. I think to break up with him is lot easier said than done because I have feelings for him. How do I even have a conversation about a break up if he isn't communicating with me. He doesn't converse with you, so, why should you converse with him? You're not his mum and he's not 5 yo. Just send a text and even that is too much, in my opinion..the guy has been ignoring you left and right. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 He doesn't converse with you, so, why should you converse with him? You're not his mum and he's not 5 yo. Just send a text and even that is too much, in my opinion..the guy has been ignoring you left and right. He texted me yesterday and said he needs space to get himself together and that he stressed. I'm hurt but there is nothing I can do... Anymore advice? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.