Need help about my alcoholic father

[Fudgie]

TMI is right. Remember too that when he's "mad" at you for seeking help "Arrrrr f you for getting police involved and takin' away my guns ARrrr"....those are the not words of a rational, good person. That's a drunk talking. The alcohol is screwing up his brain and tilting his whole viewpoint on everything and distorting it. It is not reality.

 

I can almost promise you, if he calmed down, got serious about getting help, and sobered up, he would seek you out and apologize and say "I'm so glad you stepped in and stopped me from hurting those people and getting into even MORE trouble. Thank you."

 

But you are not willing yet...what is your "Bottom" with him? What behavior will you tolerate? At what point do you seek help/walk away from him?

 

Just think about it, K. We are here for you.

[WithLove]

Logically speaking, I think I would be okay for awhile if I walked away and did not contact him. I'm the one that makes 99% of the effort to call and see him. If I don't call or text him, he doesn't contact me usually unless he has reason to.

 

However, I think it would hurt him worse if I were to pull away. He's already going down a bad path, and me shutting down and refusing contact would put him over the edge. I'm afraid of what he would do if I was to do that.

 

I also think after awhile, maybe some months, I would start hurting. The decision to not speak would eventually eat at me. I wouldn't go back on it, but it would mess me up mentally.

 

 

 

 

If I ever got married, I would want my father to walk me down the aisle. It would break my heart if we weren't speaking and he wasn't there.

[Fudgie]

Maybe he needs more people to push him over the edge. Maybe he needs more of his loved ones to say "Hey, we aren't going to tolerate this crap" and get up and walk away. Addicts don't get better when people around them ignore or make things easier for them. Like driving them around, or turning a blind eye to their dumb drunk s__t. They get better when the quality of their lives drops to a point that they can't tolerate.

 

If you are not able to put hard limits on what you will tolerate/not tolerate from him because you're not ready yet, that's fine. Just be aware that if your goal is to see him better, he will not get well that way. If your goal is to keep things status quo, it will be okay for a while until his health starts to crash, or he gets himself into legal trouble, or something else.

 

I hate to be blunt but with the way he is going, something is going to hit the fan, sooner or later. I don't know when, I don't know how, but it will happen. It always happens to alcoholics because alcoholism is such a debilitating problem in the body. Please be prepared for this.

[WithLove]

I haven't spoken to him since Thanksgiving. My boyfriend and I went to a celebration at a friend's home in which my father was present. We stayed about an hour. I said hello and hugged him, but other than that we did not have much contact. I haven't made any effort to speak to him and he hasn't either.

 

I've crunched numbers and I simply can't afford to see a therapist with my new insurance. Does anyone have any book recommendations? I've been recommended to try reading. I'm not very enthusiastic about it, to be honest; I really like the give and take I get from talking to someone in person. But someone also said some books have "workshop" sections where you can write down responses to questions.

 

I don't really know where to begin to look.

[mhowe]

Adult Children Of Alcoholics ---- there are AA meetings and I am sure there are books.

[WithLove]

I just wanted to update this in case anyone was following it.

 

Before Christmas, I researched therapy in my area and argued with my insurance company over pricing and it turns out that I definitely cannot afford to see a counselor. So, I followed your guys' advice and went online and purchased two books off of Amazon that are for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I've been reading one of them and it's so spot on. I have gathered so far that some things I get extra anxious over because in my mind, when they happen, it's me going back to something that happened when I was a kid when my father was drunk. Like for example, why I don't like it silent at night. I have to have some sound in the background. If there's no noise, I find myself listening for stuff. Straining my hearing. And I realized that it's because when I was a kid, I'd be lying in bed, not sleeping, waiting in the silence for my dad to come home, drunk; or waiting to hear him stumble around if he was already home. I'd wait to hear the familiar click of the doorknob on his bedroom door when the door closed. Then I knew I could relax and sleep. I would do that when I lived with some exes, too. I'd wait up for them to get home from work. I could never sleep, even if I went to bed early. I'd get so anxious, just lying in bed, because I'd be waiting to hear the doorknob turn. I thought maybe it was because I just wanted to know they'd have gotten home safely; but now, I'm aware that it's because that's what I used to do when I knew my Dad was coming home drunk. I'd wait to hear him come in so that I knew he was alright, and so that I knew I could finally go to bed. I could also gauge what mood he was in.

 

It's exhausting, really.

 

I've also contacted the meeting coordinator of my area's ACA meetings. They have free ones on Thursdays that I can attend after work.

 

However... my father knows none of this.

[mhowe]

There isn't any need for him to know. This knowledge is for you to understand and uninstall the triggers and responses you have in your life that you are likely unconscious of...and to enlighten you as to patterns of behavior in your relationship choices.

[WithLove]

Do you think, eventually, I will have to talk to him about all this?

[mhowe]

You may want to at some point, but it isn't necessary.

[journeynow]

Al-Anon is a group for family and friends of alcoholics, and I've heard good things about it. You might look into a group in your area as well.

 

Good luck with all this. Has he ever had a DUI?

[chitown9]

I really like the give and take I get from talking to someone.

 

I don't really know where to begin to look.

 

Look for Alanon meetings in your area. You will get the give and take from talking there. chi

[youareworthy]

Dear WithLove,

 

I have an important story to tell you. When my youngest child, a son, was about about a year old, he and I were in the kitchen. He was in his high chair, crying because he was hungry. I was cutting a fresh peach into little bites for him. As soon as I got a few pieces cut, I would put them on the tray for him, and he would eat them, but in between bites, he was still crying. My husband (who is the father of all of my children) came downstairs and said to me, "Make him stop crying. I feel like killing him." I was stunned. I looked right at my husband and said, "That is not normal. That is terrifying. You need to call your doctor and get help. Now." He looked back at me and said, "Now I feel like killing you for saying that."

 

I picked my son up out of the high chair, walked over to the telephone, and began to dial 911. My husband lunged at me, grabbed the receiver from my hand, slammed his other hand down on the hook to terminate the call, and began violently smashing the receiver into the edges and corner of the kitchen counter, trying to break the phone so I couldn't call the police. I ran outside with my son, called to the other three children who were playing in the yard, and told them we were going to go play at our friends' house. I put them all in their car seats or boosters, and ran back inside to get my car keys and purse. As I was headed toward the front door to leave, my husband stopped me and began to apologize for the crazy talk. I told him that I needed to go out for a bit, to give him some space. He became very enraged. He picked up a small but very heavy piece of solid wood furniture, and began to wield it over my head. He told me he was going to smash my skull in. Somehow I managed to calmly talk him into putting the furniture down. I fled the house as quickly as I could.

 

I drove the kids to the home of a level-headed and calm friend of mine who had three kind daughters just a little older than my kids. Her daughters loved my kids, and delightedly took them outside to play in the back yard while I talked to my friend. She had been surprised to see us arrive unannounced. I told her what had been happening at our house that day. She asked me if I wanted to call the police and have him arrested. I said no. I said that it was over now. She said, "Do you feel safe going back there?" I said, "Yes. I think this was an adverse reaction to a medication." She said, "Why do you feel safe with him?" I said, "Because I know that he really does love me and the kids."

 

She said, "Listen. I think that you're just saying that because he's your husband. Let's pretend that instead of him, a total stranger came into your house, threatened to kill your son, threatened to kill you, stopped you from calling the police, and then picked up a heavy wooden object and told you he was going to smash your skull in. What would you do?"

 

I immediately answered, "I would call 911, of course!"

 

She said, "Then why are you refusing to call the police now? I think you're blinded by the fact that you know him, that he's your husband, and their dad. He isn't a stranger. But the danger to you and your kids is just as real as if a stranger had done these things today. In fact, the danger is greater because you are less aware of how dangerous this situation really is."

 

That was the first time I realized how gravely in danger my children and I were. It was not the first time we had been in grave danger, however. It was just the first time that someone helped take off the blinders that my husband had so carefully placed over my eyes through years and years of verbal and mild physical abuse, desensitizing me to the danger. I wish I could tell you that I called the police that day, and left him right away, but in fact it took another year and 3 months before I was able to truly comprehend the magnitude of our danger, and fully understand that I HAD to leave. That is how blinded we can be by our emotional connections to others.

 

Each time a member told you to call the police, to report your father's crazy behavior, you responded with a protest just like mine. "But it is my dad." Dearest WithLove, every time I read one of your protests, I can hear my deluded self saying, "But he is my husband. He is their DAD! He would never REALLY hurt or kill us. And if he gets arrested, how will we live without his earnings? How will I be able to take care of the kids? He would never get another job with a police record..."

 

Please don't believe the lies. A drunk with loaded weapons is very capable indeed of killing someone. A mentally ill abuser is very capable indeed of killing someone. The fact that he is your dad has absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

So now I am going to be the friend to you that that beloved woman was to me: If you saw a drunk stranger with a truck full of loaded weapons, who was derangedly yelling he was going to "Take them both out," what would you do?

 

I bet you anything you would call 911. Immediately. With zero hesitation.

[WithLove]

Youareworthy:

 

You're right. I would call 911 if it was anyone else. Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine what you've gone through, especially with kids.

 

My relationship with my father is very complicated. I love him, but I hate him. But I want to like him. I want so badly for him to like me and see me as someone to be proud of. And I've just never felt like I lived up to his expectations. I struggle so hard to have some sort of relationship with him... so when things like this come up, and I see how all the effort I've put in vanishing like smoke... I just don't want to do it.

 

When it comes to my dad, I feel like I'm a teenager again. Like I have no power over anything at all; like I'm not 26 and an adult. It's like I revert into this blubbering ball of sadness and shame. And logically, I know I'm likely way better off without him in my life. But... I still want him in it.

 

 

 

Since he's been dating this new woman, he's been going to the bar less frequently. She doesn't drink hardly at all, so it's causing him to drink less, too. And while it's a great thing... It makes me mad, and a little resentful. Wasn't I enough to stop? Wasn't he, himself? And there's never a guarantee on a relationship. If they don't work out, he'll go back to how he was. And the cycle will start again.

[WithLove]

Al-Anon is a group for family and friends of alcoholics, and I've heard good things about it. You might look into a group in your area as well.

 

Good luck with all this. Has he ever had a DUI?

 

He hasn't ever had a DUI that I know about, at least not in this county. He would not be allowed to renew his contractor's license if he had one.

 

 

I am attending an ACA meeting next Thursday. It'll be my first one. I'm researching Al-Anon right now.

[Seraphim]

WithLove , we had a regular poster who used to be here for years. Her screen name was "hers " ,her mother was an alcoholic. She went to Al-Anon and did really really really well. She even got back to having a pretty positive relationship with her mom and with herself.

[lostandhurt]

I am happy you have started to look into ACoA.

 

Go to the ACA meetings and read and then re-read those books!!!

 

There are answers to questions you didn't even know you needed answered.

 

Surrounding yourself with people that are and have been where you are will help tremendously I believe.

 

At this point there is no reason to tell your father any of this. You, like me have/had an alcoholic parent(s) and it changes you in many ways as you grow up. It doesn't have to be permanent or debilitating and at times it can be an asset in your life but you need to understand how it controls parts of your life that you thought were just the way you are all these years.

 

There are more ACoA people walking around this planet than you can imagine so you are not alone for sure.

 

You have just started on your path so keep pushing forward and keep posting.

 

Lost

[WithLove]

Thanks, Lost.

 

The hard part is that I absolutely need to talk to him about what happened with driving drunk with his guns. Because that could happen again. All it'll take is another appearance by his ex... or a fight/split from his current girlfriend... and he will get into that mindset again. And I want to be able to know what to do if that happens. I need to know how to handle it. Both during the time it's going on and afterwards.

 

And he needs to know that if it happens again, I will no longer be in his life. And his will be over.

[lostandhurt]

Ultimatums sometimes have to be made. I have done it myself. One parent chose booze the other recovery...

 

He is a grown man and will do what he wants but being a child of an alcoholic you grow up looking after them, taking care of them, cleaning up their messes and make sure they don't die. It is a lot for a child to take on and that is why it affects us even as adults.

 

From what you have written he sounds like he has to hit rock bottom before he will see how his actions are hurting the ones he loves and himself. You certainly do not have to stand by and witness it.

 

I would encourage you to go to a meeting and explain your situation and ask for advice on how to approach your dad to possibly get the best outcome. If you cannot do that appeal to his fatherly instincts and explain what all this is doing to you emotionally and physically. Cutting him out of your life will not be easy but in the end it may just save his or someone isle's life.

 

Make some notes so you stay on point while talking to him and above all make sure he is totally sober when you have the talk. It might be a good idea to have a few AA meeting locations written down for him as well that are nearby just in case he shows any interest in going to a meeting.

 

I know this is hard but you can do it with love and compassion even if that means tough love.

 

Lost

[WithLove]

I've made the decision, when I talk to him, to tell him that I've reach my bottom line, and that if this ever happens again, I will be calling the police and he will no longer be in my life.

 

It sickens me, that I have to make this decision. But I have to. I can't handle his alcoholism anymore. I think it's a huge reason as to why I have some of my mental issues. I need to take stressors out of my life and he is one of then because of his drinking.

 

My purpose for going to the ACA meetings and joining the online community of Al-Anon (did I mention I did that? Well I did that on Friday) is so that I can get some insight in figuring out how to approach my dad with this conversation and how to deal with the aftermath of it. I have no idea how it will go. But I do know that I need to be calm, cool and collected. My dad doesn't respond to emotional outbursts. He completely shuts down. So I need to be able to communicate how that day affected me and why it led me to this decision, without falling to pieces... and that's not something I'm able to achieve yet. I'm hoping the books I got and the meetings I'm going to attend will help me.

[Lightattheend1]

I'm so sorry.

 

My dad is an alcoholic. ..but a stay at home one. We don't speak. He hurt me while drunk...long story.

 

Personally...I'd tell him to text you when he's done at the bar and you will pick him up so he doesn't hurt anyone. Don't text him when coming home for dinner ..if he can't text you.

 

Can you talk with someone at the bar? Have someone call or text you?

 

 

Can you gobto the bat and ask him why he wants to spend time drinking rather than spend time with you?

 

You can't change people...but I'd feel guilty if he hurt someone or himself.

[WithLove]

I'm so sorry.

 

My dad is an alcoholic. ..but a stay at home one. We don't speak. He hurt me while drunk...long story.

 

Personally...I'd tell him to text you when he's done at the bar and you will pick him up so he doesn't hurt anyone. Don't text him when coming home for dinner ..if he can't text you.

 

Can you talk with someone at the bar? Have someone call or text you?

 

 

Can you gobto the bat and ask him why he wants to spend time drinking rather than spend time with you?

 

You can't change people...but I'd feel guilty if he hurt someone or himself.

 

Thank you for the suggestions and compassion.

 

I live about 40 minutes away from him now. I live alone and don't have anyone else's income to help, so making the daily 40 minute one-way trips in my truck to pick him up just isn't a viable option. And I'm sorry, but I would resent ever doing that. In high school, when I lived in the same neighborhood as him, I would follow him home every evening to make sure he didn't crash. He still doesn't know I used to do that, though. And I'll never tell him.

 

I won't involve his friends at the bar. Most of them are alcoholics themselves and won't get involved; and the ones that aren't are good friends of his, and were the ones helping me look for him that day, but I don't think they would be willing to do anything further than that, especially if the authorities are involved. They are friends, but they aren't family.

 

I'm also not going to go to the bar and talk to him about his drinking, while he's drinking. I won't make a scene. It'll just embarrass us both and he hates having someone embarrass him.

 

 

I feel that the only way to get my point across is to do so when we're alone, and he hasn't been drinking, and I can be business-like and clear-cut in my message.

[journeynow]

I live about 40 minutes away from him now.

 

Thanks for clarifying. For some reason I thought you lived with him, had moved back in for a spell.

 

I'm glad to hear you are connecting with groups in your area. I like the idea of having AA contact information to give to him. (Maybe in his area, and just outside his area. I had a friend who would not go to local AA meetings but instead went to ones in another town to avoid people she knew, afraid it would affect her professionally.)

 

Good luck with all this, and take extra good care of yourself, build a toolbox of self-care and stress management techniques and sources. I can only imagine how tough this is with you and your father.

[Lightattheend1]

Sorry. I thought you lived there with him.

 

Glad you got the books...help.

[lostandhurt]

Withlove

 

I know this looks very hard to do and you may be having some anxiety over talking to him about this but I can promise you that you will feel better once you have the talk with him. Whether or not it works is not on you, it is on him. He is a grown man that is addicted to alcohol and doesn't think he has a problem. Make sure during your talk you make it perfectly clear that HE DOES have a problem and unless he takes steps to help himself you cannot be around him any longer if he has been drinking. This puts it squarely on him if he sees his daughter or not. Keep drinking and you will not be around, get clean and you would love to spend time with him.

 

I like your plan and if you have trouble emotionally (which we all would) remember to breath and focus on the dangerous things he did while drunk. Your anger about that incident should keep you from breaking down so you can get out the words you want to tell him.

 

What you have been dealing with all these years is very emotionally draining and it is time for you to save yourself and perhaps your father at the same time.

 

Best wishes

Lost

[WithLove]

Thanks, Lost. I really appreciate your sticking with this thread and guiding me along. It has helped a lot.

 

I think there comes a time when adults should stop blaming their problems on their parents. When what happened to you as a child really should have no bearing on your adult life. I'm 26... I don't want to hit 30 and still be blaming my Dad for all my problems. And I do, for most of them. That's why I want to get this help. I need to not feel angry anymore and take responsibility for myself as an adult and a person; not because I'm the daughter of an alcoholic. I don't want to be labeled like that forever.

 

I feel like I've started to address things and overcome them. I got on medication a couple years ago and did see a therapist for a little while. But now my financial resources are running dry, so I have to find other things, and luckily these things are free. I'm still on the meds and constantly looking for cheaper ways of getting them.