WithLove Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Okay then, how do I get what I want and need across with expecting what I asked? I don't expect any of those things to be expected or understood. But I still need him to know that I'm not going to be in his life if that event ever happens again. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Okay then, how do I get what I want and need across with expecting what I asked? I don't expect any of those things to be expected or understood. But I still need him to know that I'm not going to be in his life if that event ever happens again. You state it simply like you just did. What I read earlier sounded like you want to draw your line, yet you want a few things in return in doing so. I don't know if it's negotiable . .at least at this point. Draw your line. . Give him a few things to think consider. Let go of the outcome Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 It would be wonderful for me to receive something in return. But I'm more realistic than that. I know he'll likely shut down or get defensive. Or he'll agree with me and tell me knows he needs to get help, but he won't actually do it. So when I do bring this up, I want to have some knowledge in hand that I can give him. "Here are places you can go to get help." And I want to ask him what I can do to help motivate him. He needs to know that there are rewards if he gives up drinking, and consequences if he doesn't. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Okay then, how do I get what I want and need across with expecting what I asked? I don't expect any of those things to be expected or understood. But I still need him to know that I'm not going to be in his life if that event ever happens again. I would advise a little differently... When coaching yourself, state what you want in terms that are within your control. You can't control his reaction, his readiness to accept responsibility and/or to acknowledge the impact of him being who he is. You can control how you engage and how you think about it. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I would continue down the path of ACoA. My dad only stopped when he was ready. Consequences meant nothing to him...it was his life to control as he saw fit. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I would continue down the path of ACoA. My dad only stopped when he was ready. Consequences meant nothing to him...it was his life to control as he saw fit. That's my understanding. that those who are successful are only so when they are ready. . on their terms. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 That's my understanding. that those who are successful are only so when they are ready. . on their terms. accumulative losses are a motivator at times. He may have to lose you first. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 accumulative losses are a motivator at times. He may have to lose you first. Yes - but just like with NC, one has to get lost for oneself, not for the purpose of having an impact on someone else. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 My sister asked my dad "don't you want to see your grandson grow up". His reply was "not.particularly. His life will be fine" My sister was shattered...it wasn't the answer she was expecting. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Yes - but just like with NC, one has to get lost for oneself, not for the purpose of having an impact on someone else. Good comparison Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 My sister asked my dad "don't you want to see your grandson grow up". His reply was "not.particularly. His life will be fine" My sister was shattered...it wasn't the answer she was expecting. I can see this sort of response coming easily. The drinking provides a veil that prevents intimate attachment, and from that perspective, such a response is logical. Heart-stopping, but logical just the same. Addiction is b* Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Yeah...you cannot "guilt" an alcoholic into sobriety. Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Boy, you ladies sure do know how to rain on parades! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Boy, you ladies sure do know how to rain on parades! Sorry Hon. . .just be prepared, that's all. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Boy, you ladies sure do know how to rain on parades! Better us who carry only blunted spears than from someone who (uninentionally perhaps) carries sharper weapons. Sorry, WL. Accepting the fact that others could have done a better job, and didn't, and now we have to clean up the mess... It hurts and it is hard and I still hear one of my elder siblings, nearing 60, toss out blame statements about my father. Some people carry that anger around for life, and it is a heavy load. I don't mean to sound dismissive, or harsh. Apologies if I do. The work you are doing now will give you incredible energy for - your lifetime, really. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 During therapy, on occasions like this my therapist would remind me that my efforts to speak up and state my boundaries might never change the other person, but by doing so it would ultimately change who I am. You have to let go and allow everything else to fall into place -or- to get out of your way. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I usually do not openly disagree with other posters on here but on this issue I will. Telling your father how you feel and what his drinking does and has done to you is not just for him but for you as well WithLove. Alcoholics say all kinds of things to themselves and others so they can continue to drink. It doesn't mean they are true and it certainly doesn't mean that they even believe them! Most alcoholics try to get better after they have hit bottom. Each person has their own bottom though. If you tell your father all this he will hear you. He may get angry, defensive or shut down but he WILL hear you. There will likely be no resolution at that moment other than the fact that he can no longer hide from the affects of his drinking as it pertains to his daughter. If you go into this with the sole expectation of informing him how much this hurts you and had hurt and affected you deeply then you will be just fine. At this point he knows none of this since you have never told him. Rarely do alcoholics seek help on their own. It could be a judge, wife threatening to divorce, kids walking out of their lives, work about to fire them, dangerous health condition or an accident that forces their hand. In my opinion and experience saying nothing is not an option. When and what you say is a personal choice. It is true that alcoholics have to decide for themselves to get better for it to be real but what better incentive than the love and health of ones own daughter? Lost Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Up until now, my father has lost his wife and briefly his daughter due to his drinking. My mother never spoke with him privately after their divorce and I've never had the courage to talk to him about it. So, even if telling him what this has done to me does NOTHING - at least I will know that I've said what I feel in my heart to him. I want him to know how much I love him, and how much it hurts me to see him hurting himself this way. I don't expect anything to happen, because I believe he's unaware of the true depths of his addiction. But I do believe telling him how I feel about his drinking is a milestone that I need to reach. I believe it's an event that has to happen on my path to healing. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 28, 2016 Share Posted January 28, 2016 When you feel strong enough to hear his answer then it is time to tell him. Later when he choses to keep drinking and endangering others you may have to inform him that you will not visit him or have him visit you if he has been drinking at all. Let him know he has to be completely sober to spend time with you. This may be a compromise you can live with. Then all the choices are up to him as they have always been but he knows full well where you stand. Both my parents died far to young from alcohol. I forced my father into rehab for the 4th time but his body fought back and he died trying to dry out one last time. I am proud of him for always admitting he was an alcoholic and he battled that demon everyday until it took his life. I only carry one regret from my actions... My mother never admitted she had a problem and died alone and mean. She ceased being my mother when I was pretty young as the alcohol brought out a mean unloving person that ultimately burned every bridge in her life. She knew where I stood on her drinking and made her choices. I have zero regrets as far as she is concerned. At the end of the day it is up to you where you draw that line and it does need to be drawn make no mistake. Otherwise what has changed? You are young and need to make serious moves to heal and this is one of them. Are you prepared to possibly never seeing your father again until his funeral? It may come to that some day. Take your time, think long and hard about the best way to make your feelings known to him with love and caring and you will have few regrets. Lost Link to comment
WithLove Posted January 28, 2016 Author Share Posted January 28, 2016 No, I am not prepared to possibly never see him again. But I know that will be the choice I will have to make. Because that point will be reached, eventually. I'm so fearful of it. I'm dreading it. But it'll come. And I know I will make that choice. And it'll kill me, for awhile. Or rather, I'll be proud and feel like the choice I'm making might save his life. But a few weeks will pass and my decision will slowly crush my soul. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Your father just might surprise you. Whatever you do always make it clear to him that the door is always open as long as he is clean and sober. My father fell off the wagon several times but kept trying. I loved him more for that. You don't have to stop loving your dad but at some point self preservation has to kick in and enabling has to stop. Keep doing the things you are doing and you will be just fine. Lost Link to comment
WithLove Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Last night was my ACA meeting. We talked a lot about self love. I don't have much of it. Recently I've been working really hard to keep myself busy and focusing on my physical fitness. A lot of my life is going really well; but my personal life isn't. I broke up with my ex in early December, for good reasons, and I feel like I'm healed from the relationship, but not ready for another one. I think back to all my other relationships and I have certain patterns that I do, and I'm trying to break those. Even though I feel okay on a daily basis, deep down, buried in a corner of my heart, I feel that I'm not worth the time it would take someone to be in a meaningful relationship with me. I feel that I have too many things wrong with me. On the surface, I'm getting better in terms of confidence and self-worth; but beneath the exterior, I feel like I have nothing to bring to the table; nothing to bring to the relationship that enhances it in any way. It was truly disheartening to realize that in all of my relationships, I've never gotten exactly what I've given. I always get less. ACA is telling me that the root of everything that's going on comes from fear; from doing what was needed out of fear to survive, in any sense of the word. That fear instilled habits and quirks that are present today, right now, and it's about working through them, breaking them, and starting new, healthy ones. I wish it would happen quickly. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 You want it to happen quickly so you can get into another relationship with a man...to validate yourself. The most important relationship is with yourself. That is the hard work of all of this. Once you do that, and it won't be fast and it won't be easy, all other relationships will fall into place...with ease. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 This is a long road you are traveling so pace yourself. You are still very young and have an open mind and a desire to learn and be better. That in itself is a great quality. I think you have way more to offer than you realize but you may have accepted less out of fear or insecurities. Look at it this way. Getting ready for a relationship is like getting ready for a marathon. If you haven't run a good one in a long time you need to get in shape so when the gun goes off you have a great chance of finishing up front. You haven't been in a good relationship because some things weren't in good enough shape for the task. Once you build up those mental muscles and feel more confident you will choose more wisely and be able to see and react to red flags much sooner. I know how some of these meetings can go. There is a lot of focus on what is wrong or what caused this or that. Basically there is a lot of negativity and you can walk out feeling more broken than when you walked in. It is important to hear success stories too. Remember many of the traits you have do not have to be bad, they can be turned into strengths if directed in the correct way. We are all broken in some way or another. You are well on your way to improving all aspects of who you are and your life in general. Lost Link to comment
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