ApathyHurts Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I've recently started seeing and eventually dating a girl who works at a Starbucks near my work. Things were great and with in the first few weeks I felt like we were starting to form the foundation of a great relationship. I'm not saying I fell in love with her yet, but I'm saying there was a definite charisma between us. Fast forward a few days and she's telling me about a guy she finds extremely attractive at a store she visits often and brings up the idea of an Open Relationship. At first I was against the idea but after some time thinking I was willing to try; simply to keep her happy and for me to maintain an emotional connection to her. So when I finally brought it up that I was willing to try she informed me that she had already made out with him and was planning on having "fun times" with him soon. We had a long conversation where she said she wanted to break up, but when I brought up the idea of going through an O.R. and she agreed to try it for a week. So we're working on that, but I'm unhappy with it because I feel like it sabotages the intimacy of our relationship. However, she's incredibly happy and spends countless hours texting and smiling at texts from him (even while with me.) However, at the same time she still maintains that she does care for me and is happy that I'm 'with' her.... What do I do? How do I portray my unhappiness without ruining what we have? Because she has been happier with me lately even if it's caused by someone else. Do I concede defeat and let her go? Any other view points would help. Feel free to ask questions and thank you for taking the time to read my extremely long post. -ApathyHurts Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I'm sorry to say she wants to have her cake & to eat it too. She wants the attention of both of you. Texting him in front of you is just plain rude, and I don't know how you kept your composure. If you aren't happy with an open relationship then she isn't the girl for you. Link to comment
Soup the Dog Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I'm sorry but I don't think you have a relationship with her any more. The moment she told you about this other guy and already had a suggestion to keep him around-an open relationship-was the end of it. Not to mention she already made out with him-what "girlfriend" or person does that without an ounce of regret or hesitation or respect? "Fun times?" Jeez. If you're unhappy with her-and you are-then, yes, concede defeat and push her out the door. It'll be painful, I'm sure, but now you can focus on finding a girl who won't string you along while she has her "fun times"... Best of luck. Link to comment
stormie Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 What Shellyf62 said is right on the money. I'll add that in my opinion (based upon the experiences of others), people who request open relationships do not see their original partners as worthy or good enough to be relationship material. This is why you don't feel the intimacy- cause there isn't any! Don't let this person disrespect you like she is (texting the other guy in front of you). It shows she has little empathy for you. I would cut off all contact. Apply the no-contact rule and you'll see how in time, how much she'll miss you. She'll definitely miss all the attention you both are giving her now. Link to comment
SophieGrace Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I actually don't think it matters what her motivations are... she has been clear. My question to you is why would you settle for crumbs? Whether you accept it or portray unhappiness the end result is the same - she doesn't have the feelings for you that she has for the other guy. (And I'd bet she is not telling the other guy about you and smiling at your texts when she's with him.) What do you want in a relationship? If this isn't it, then move on. No game-playing to try and "win her back." This is who she is - look out for you! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Why would you settle for this type of situation? You don't sound like that type of guy. I think this could end up being very painful. You need to treat yourself better and find a girl that is satisfied with you. I don't care how much you like her. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Don't allow yourself to be treated like a doormat! Link to comment
Lucia Amman Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I once dated a guy who from the start said he was only into open relationships. It was fine. We get along. I could live with the open relationship thing and he never made me feel insecure. The thing is: he said it from the start. So it didn't just appear to him to have an open relationship because he saw someone else to love up. It didn't just popped into his head because I bore him out. He was and has always had an open relationship kinda guy. This girl isn't fair. She isn't honest. You never really discussed having an open relationship in the first place before she did something with another guy: that's called cheating. I don't care if you later on where ok with it, it simply is NOT ok. To be fair she seems in love with this guy and has fallen out of love with you. She probably does care for you to some extend and wants to hold on to you but I'm not sure if she will not break up with you if this other guy becomes maybe more than just a fling. I would be very wary. I'm ok with open relationships but they have to be open from the start or very mutual started. Not like 'oh I already made out with him' kinda way. That isn't mutual. Link to comment
mahendar Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 why you accepted an open relationship with her still you are unhappy about it.just explain what you are feeling. Link to comment
fantom1399 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 If your unhappy with it, why stick around? Is she happier because she gets to hook up with other guys and also have you as a back up plan? Or is just happy because its new from your existing relationship? O.R. are not for everyone. It sometimes works and sometimes doesn't but both people need to be ok with it and set certain boundries. In your case, it's very one-sided and unfortuately, the crap slope is falling straight on you. Link to comment
greta96 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 This is not an open relationship though! Open relationships happen when the 2 people love and trust each other a lot, and they both decide (as in mutually agree) to open up their relationship. In your case, it's clearly not what you want, you are only doing it to try to hold on to this woman. You two are not a solid couple, you barely know each other, and there's no trust to talk about. What's happening is that you willingly accepted the position of doormat, just so she stays in your life, even just as a physical presence. Her heart and mind seem to be with the other guy anyway, and I can only assume the reason she's not yet in a relationship with him is because he either doesn't want one, or he is not available (he's married or has his own girlfriend). You are obviously not comfortable with this arrangement, and you shouldn't be. She is just taking you for a ride, and you're letting her because to you, bad treatment is better than no treatment at all. But this is not right. You gotta see that the woman just isn't into you, and you are exposing yourself needlessly to STDs. You will never have a loving relationship for as long as you're accepting this situation, and it's not like you have a choice in the matter - she made it clear that she will do whatever she pleases, whether you like it or not. Time to find yourself another girlfriend, this one is not for you. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 brings up the idea of an Open Relationship. At first I was against the idea but after some time thinking I was willing to try; simply to keep her happy and for me to maintain an emotional connection to her. here's the problem. You don't like the idea of being in an open relationship but you did it to appease her. Terrible idea. You'll never be happy with it. Just break it off now. She's a really "classy" girl, texting him like that. Drop her and find someone who wants to just be with you. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 An open relationship where one partner suffers for the sake of third is not a good idea. An open relationship (specifically prexisting monogamous relationships that are then opened) to keep one partner happy are not good ideas. An open relationship where not everyone has the freedom to seek other partners is not a good idea. I have seen successful open relationships. They take a tonne of work to keep everyone happy. And that is everyone who went in with their eyes open about how it would work. This does not look like it's going to end well. Link to comment
stormie Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Greta96 says that open relationships are for people who love and trust each other very much. I call that BS: Open relationships are for people who are trying to hide the fact that their partners are boring and who are otherwise second class citizens in their relationships. People who suggest ORs for some reason(s) do not have the cojones to leave because they're already used to by habit or fear - of leaving the relationship and do not want to commit fully to a new one or are not sure the new one will even succeed. Such peoples usually expose their current relationships to STDs, but the person who agrees to the open relationship doesn't care as subconsciously, they have little self respect and esteem to even fathom that they can find someone who can love them exclusively. That is why they "work One person is detected to have self esteem issues by the predator (O.R. suggester), and the predator is able to get away with murder There, I said it without being politicallycorrect Link to comment
Lucia Amman Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Hmm I don't fully agree on this. I've suggested from the start that I'm open to the idea of having an open relationship. My boyfriend was not open to this idea. That was fine with me. I love my boyfriend and if he feels not ok with this I'm not ok with it. It's that simple. I'm still open for it if he ever comes up with the suggestion but I would never open this discussion again as I've already made my point. I don't resent him for having different ideas about this. I don't love him less because he doesn't want what I want. I respect his choice. End of the deal. So not every person that wants an open relationship is having self esteem issues or any other issues for that matter. I just don't believe in 100% monogamy. Having said that I do believe we are creatures with a fully conscious mind and able to make adult decisions. therefore I don't see it as a requirement to make my relationship work to have an O.R. I'm perfectly happy with my relationship as it is. And I'm in no need for having any other person in my life. And as long as he isn't either I won't do it nor seek it out. I know I'm able to do that. Our relationship is way more important than that for me! Link to comment
ApathyHurts Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 @greta96 I applaud you for your response. Cut throat and straight to the point. You're also spot on about the third person, he has a long time Girlfriend and a Kid. I also unfortunately have to agree that bad treatment is better than no treatment due to what I'm assuming is low self esteem. Thank you dearly for your response and time! Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 simply to keep her happy and for me to maintain an emotional connection to her. Hand in your man card. Your happiness is more important than anyone else's happiness. Write it out on a chalkboard a thousand times. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Next you will be helping her pick out gifts for him or a sexy outfit to wear for him. Re-read what you wrote. This isn't an open relationship, this is cuckolding. You obviously can do much better. Lost Link to comment
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