I think my fiance and I are done - trust issues

[confusseds]

If you're that set against children, and found out he does (for all intents and purposes) indeed have them; then it's better to just end it completely. You'll never forgive him and it will end eventually.

My main beef is I feel he tricked me into this relationship. The trust is lost and the fact he is not talking to me right now is not helping.

[confusseds]

I have never lied to him.

[j.man]

How long have you known about the kids? No one has had a gun to your head forcing you to stay. If you're so upset he tricked you into a relationship, why are you engaged?

[confusseds]

How long have you known about the kids? No one has had a gun to your head forcing you to stay. If you're so upset he tricked you into a relationship, why are you engaged?

 

I found out about 2 months ago. At that point I was already in love with him, as he is a great person, except for that lie.

 

I love him and I wanted to make it work but with his most recent actions I do not know that I can. I guess some engagements break.

 

I wish we can break up like adults so I can my belongings back. I sent him an emails stating I need my laptop for work (it is at his house); he refuses to communicate with me and I do not have his keys. So that is kind of fup.

[ConfusedDude11]

Therapy might be good for you, I thought I had trust issues.

 

It sounds like you want to break up but you want people to agree with you.

[confusseds]

Therapy might be good for you, I thought I had trust issues.

 

It sounds like you want to break up but you want people to agree with you.

 

I do not want to breakup. About people agreeing with me, well i though this a place to vent ones ideas.

I have been in therapy. I was married for a long time to an abusive man. And for all the abuse I received my first husband never lied. Sometimes I wish he did.

 

I just cant find it in myself to trust him. He is an amazing man and I know he loves me. He is also the person who denied having children when I asked. I am very child free. I made a conscious decision never to have them and never date a man with kids; he knew this. I feel like this relationship was founded on a lie. And it hurts because I love him and I do not know if I ever going to have a relationship like this again. It is like I can't pass the lie. Because then what else is a lie?

[ConfusedDude11]

Everything you are typing says you want to breakup with him. You can't get over the lie. Or the 'kids'. Maybe couples therapy?

[mhowe]

I would have a problem with his parsing of the answer..."I never fathered any children".

A lie is a lie.

 

However, he has grown kids so your feeling on not dating a guy with kids...well, they aren't kids any more. They are adults and not in his life.

[confusseds]

Maybe, I dont know

I dont know if I want to keep going and find out about another baby-momma

So, we will see. I appreciate your answers and everyone elses on this thread.

Have a great day!

[confusseds]

I would have a problem with his parsing of the answer..."I never fathered any children".

A lie is a lie.

 

However, he has grown kids so your feeling on not dating a guy with kids...well, they aren't kids any more. They are adults and not in his life.

 

My thing is he choose to conceal his grown up kids. The whole passport thing might mean he is behind in cs payments in which case he was not going to get it anyway and he is stalling.

 

Because if there is a third child I am leaving no matter what. That is really what is bothersome and painful. That i cant trust him.

[sargon]

it seems to me he does not want to get a passport because he might be behind in child support for a child I do not know about.

 

That is one heck of a stretch.

 

I get why you don't trust him but to make an assumption of such magnitude based on nothing more than a lost birth certificate.. is way over the top.

 

Then again him lying about having 2 kids isn't such a small lie either.

 

Good luck

[confusseds]

Yes. That was a huge lie

[SpottiOtti]

That was a huge lie, and I understand why your foundations are shaking right now. It would be nice maybe if you could be like, "Oh, so you lied about the existence of two human beings so you could start a relationship with me? How sweet. I get it. No probskies." But who could do that? It's not like he even volunteered the info - you discovered it, right?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Even if this is the only thing he's ever lied about the whole time he's been with you, it's still too much to forgive in my opinion. If he had come clean about the situation a couple of months in, and been like, "I knew you would never give me a chance if I told you upfront, but here's the situation and I want you to know the whole truth now" that's one thing, but that's not what happened, is it?

 

I'm not entirely clear about the implications of the passport scenario, but IMO the big lie about the existence of children is too much to forgive.

[bulletproof]

I believe he is dragging getting a passport because people with child suppor issues like payments that are behind cannot get passports.

I agree with those saying that this is a huge leap.

I am extremely organized, but couldn't begin to guess where my birth certificate is in my house. I haven't needed to access it in about twenty years. And I know very few people that jump up and immediately go get any document that they anticipate will be a hassle, like a passport, birth certificate, license, etc. It's practically human nature to avoid those types of events.

 

But if you don't trust him, then break it off. I personally would look more at the lie about having children than anything about a passport.

[IAmFCA]

I think my answer is bucking the trend, but I have not read the whole thread, just your original post and the last few responses.

 

He answered he doesn't have any children, because he doesn't. His kids are adults, he is not even sure they are his kids, and he has limited emotional association with them and/or is denying the pain of their estrangement and living with that denial such that "I don't have any kids" is his truth. He answered you in the same way you asked it - he has no kids whom you will need to co-parent.

 

He applied for a new birth certificate, yet he went looking everywhere for the old one. Why? He is getting a new one anyway. I don't understand this draama; it seems needless. He couldn't find his old one; getting a new one. Why were you so impatient?

 

To me there is a different red flag:

(1) He may have fathered a child with a woman who had five concurrent partners and litigated to get one of them to claim paternity. She couldn't resolve this on her own?

(2) In you, he seems to have again attracted as a partner with a dramatic way: needing to see the receipt, needing him to produce the original. These are administrative issues. Why are you policing him?

 

To me, it seems he attracts drama and you provide it, and you are a well matched pair.

 

One idea: google "anxious attachment style in romantic relationships" or something similar, and read about couples who choose relationships in which one or both partners are not trustworthy. There is a pattern and a reason, and it may spur some ideas for you that are broader than your question.

 

Do you believe that he loves you?

[confusseds]

I do not attract drama. He offered the information about the birth certificates. I did not ask for the receipt, he offered me that information. I have a very drama free life. I have worked really hard on my inner and outer peace.

 

About his ex, she did call a lot of people for the paternity test. I dont know her so I am not aware of the situation. I can only tell what is in the court records

 

I believe he loves me. I also believe he is lying again. We never go one day without talking. We spent every night together. He is with me almost every minute he is not working. I do not ask him to do this, he likes to be with me. But today all day no answer at all. That means imo he got caught.

 

I dont know what to think. I also dont know what to do as a lot of my things are at his place. Some of those things I need for work.

[confusseds]

To me he is just acting shady.

[confusseds]

I also wanted to ask, it is not me who needs to see the original. I dont have to see anything. It is the state department.

[IAmFCA]

Have your instincts been firing about his honesty ever before? Have you said to him, something isn't adding up, and I can't figure out what it is?

 

I just don't see the issue, I don't understand why you were set off by the situation you described.

[confusseds]

I just dont trust him since the whole children lie thing.

[IAmFCA]

I just dont trust him since the whole children lie thing.

 

If you asked me if I had kids in that scenario, I would have said, I don't think so?

 

As I said before, I can understand his answer. You don't even know if he has kids, and neither does he. Unless I missed something?

[confusseds]

But legally he acknowledge them as his kids. So why not to say yes i have 2 there are grown up.

A lie is a lie is a lie

[IAmFCA]

But legally he acknowledge them as his kids. So why not to say yes i have 2 there are grown up.

A lie is a lie is a lie

 

My theory:

They are estranged. This hurts him; he stepped up when he didn't have to and four others refused. The kids ignore him anyhow. So he says to himself, screw it, I don't have kids. Rather than relive the pain of explaining all that, he just tells his truth, which is I don't have any kids. It is his way of denying them.

 

 

If this is the only thing, it is a big thing, but I think the real test is how you two resolve it.

[confusseds]

My theory:

They are estranged. This hurts him; he stepped up when he didn't have to and four others refused. The kids ignore him anyhow. So he says to himself, screw it, I don't have kids. Rather than relive the pain of explaining all that, he just tells his truth, which is I don't have any kids. It is his way of denying them.

 

 

If this is the only thing, it is a big thing, but I think the real test is how you two resolve it.

 

I understand the estrangement part. I get it. When we meet, I asked him and he said no. But we have been together for a long time now.

IMO, he never planned to tell me. I found out randomly. That is my main beef. (And honestly it is also my choice, I would have never gotten involved with him should I have known children existed, whether they are 2 or 35 years old). I understand they are not part of our life, but the LIE is what hurts. Maybe I owuld have made an exception but by him lying I never got a choice in the matter.

 

I am really trying to get past this, but in the back of my mind I always be thinking if there are more hidden from me and the trust issue might be too much. I never wanted to be with a person with children specially if they are under the age of 18. Too much drama, baby mommas, ex's, visitation etc. If I wanted children, I could have had them myself.

 

For now I am just going to pickup my laptop and stuff from his place and take a few days break.

[Seraphim]

I would collect your stuff and call it a day. You said you can't get over the lie. You said you don't want to go out with someone who has children even adult children. So those kids are never going away ,even adult kids are never going away. You said you never wanted to deal with that so there's nothing to hang onto ,correct?