I think my fiance and I are done - trust issues

[ConfusedDude11]

You are very adamant about not dating a man with children. He's a liar and has children. Break up with him. Problem solved.

[Seraphim]

You are very adamant about not dating a man with children. He's a liar and has children. Break up with him. Problem solved.

Yup. That is your only answer. Because people don't just poof and not exist anymore.

[confusseds]

I would collect your stuff and call it a day. You said you can't get over the lie. You said you don't want to go out with someone who has children even adult children. So those kids are never going away ,even adult kids are never going away. You said you never wanted to deal with that so there's nothing to hang onto ,correct?

 

Pretty much.

[relevart]

I know I'm getting into this late, but I just wanted to say that when I am mad or embarrassed -- god forbid both at the same time -- my inclination is to not be near the person making me feel that way. People who lie about everything typically keep lying. They don't back off from the person they have been lying to. That's why I suspect he's either mad, embarrassed or some combination of the two and is keeping his distance. Because right or wrong, that is how I typically do.

 

Also, when you asked him about having kids, knowing what you know now, what would you have honestly wanted him to say? Any answer in his situation is going to sound bad.

 

"Well, none that I know about." (with a creepy laugh)

 

Any answer he had given you then would have had to have been followed by a long drawn out discussion of something that happened long ago and it would have been tricky. He seemed to have been in a bad place no matter what answer he gave you.

[confusseds]

I might have done an exception to my super strict policy of avoid people with children. I just was never given the opportunity to make that choice and now I am in love with him. It is not black and white. I know if I go I will be hurt, but if I stay I might have to deal with another lie (or maybe not). It is not an easy decision to make.

 

And to all the people who answered this thread I wanted to say also

 

- Thank you

 

- I do not have any hate for children or people that have kids. I respect everyone choice etc. It might sound like I am a witch that hates children; nothing further than the truth. I adore my nieces and nephews and my friends kids. It is just not for me.

[relevart]

I hear you. You're in a tough spot. The is a trust issue now for you, regardless of anything else. I assume there is also a bit of an age difference and maybe that plays into as well. The first thing I thought was, well, if she doesn't want small kids, if he gets close to his children, they're of the age to have kids themselves. So you'd be a step-grandparent.

 

I was just wanting to point out that he could be avoiding you now for reasons other than him hiding something else.

[Seraphim]

I hear you. You're in a tough spot. The is a trust issue now for you, regardless of anything else. I assume there is also a bit of an age difference and maybe that plays into as well. The first thing I thought was, well, if she doesn't want small kids, if he gets close to his children, they're of the age to have kids themselves. So you'd be a step-grandparent.

 

I was just wanting to point out that he could be avoiding you now for reasons other than him hiding something else.

 

Yes ,if I'm mad at somebody I don't particularly want to talk to them either.

[IAmFCA]

I never wanted to be with a person with children specially if they are under the age of 18. Too much drama, baby mommas, ex's, visitation etc. If I wanted children, I could have had them myself.

 

These conditions don't exist here. There are no visitation, financial, or even emotional responsibilities. No baby mama drama, no family holidays, none of it. Given that, it seems to me there would have been some room to compromise. Especially IF you were less reactive and he were more willing to trigger your response.

 

Yes he needed to say There is something you need to know. Your reaction to the news may have been very strong, and he chose to avoid triggering your reaction.

 

I think the pattern of you having a strong response and his avoidance of engaging you for fear of triggering your reaction - this patterns dooms a relationship over time.

 

I suggest next relationship, you work on moderating your reaction so that you have more negotiating room, aND so that your invite your partery to raise difficult topics. In this case, your man needs some understanding. Knowing that he wouldn't get any, he was too fearful to proceed.

 

Conflicts are much easier to resolve when both parties feel safe. That is not the case here for either of you. You can change this, next time, by learning to moderate your reaction.

[confusseds]

Or he can tell the truth. That would work too.

 

We had a chat yesterday on the phone. He said that he is sorry he lied. I told him how I feel and we decided to take a break from now.

 

My fiance is a good guy and even if we end up breaking the relationship up, I still wish him the best. We just do not know yet.

 

Thanks everyone for your comments. They are deeply appreciated.

[IAmFCA]

We make a big deal out of lying for good reason.

 

At the same time, when a good person lies, it tells us there are other dynamics. That they don't feel safe or accepted unconditionally. That resolving conflict is worse than harboring a lie about oneself. That keeping the relationship is more important than being transparent. I suggest thinking about those topics as you decide where to go from here.

[Tinydance]

Look, to be honest, I don't think he lied per say. You say yourself "I do not want someone with kids or to coparent". In this case, they are not "kids", they are adults. You do not need to coparent with someone if their children are adults themselves and have their own life. Additionally, these children were never really in his life, except he was paying for them. He had no relationship with them really, even if they were still children. I agree that maybe he should have mentioned to you about them because partners should be honest with each other, especially if you're engaged. But he may have thought it wasn't necessary to say anything because his children are not in his life, their are adults anyway, and they would not be in your life either. The passport thing I don't know but why don't you just ask him what's going on? To be honest I think you are being harsh on your fiance. It's not sucha huge deal he didn't tell you because it doesn't impact you at all. Plus if he was paying child support all those years and he's not even 100% sure he's the father, that just makes him a decent and generous man.