Concerned

[starrrr]

I have met this woman at the bar, i am female myself.

 

She has revealed to me that her current partner is abusing her, physically, emotionally, and financially.

 

She can't separate financially for some reason i forget what she said, she would lose something.

 

They have children together.

 

She is trying to get an apartment but for some reason cannot.

 

I want to help her, but how?

 

 

Please help...i'm not sure what to do...

 

I've known her for couple of months now. I have seen the bruises...

 

She gets there and she gets drunk, she even gets real sexual i can see that. She had made an advance once to me even and i told her no, i would not do that to her.

[reinventmyself]

does she want help?

[jimthzz]

You cold be getting played, be careful.

[pippy longstocking]

does she want help?

 

exactly !!!!!

[shellyf62]

Give her the number of an abuse help line or a women's shelter.

 

Try not to get too involved. Some people like the drama & attention. Not downplaying the abuse, but some people play things up for sympathy.

[annie24]

Give her the number of an abuse help line or a women's shelter.

 

Try not to get too involved. Some people like the drama & attention. Not downplaying the abuse, but some people play things up for sympathy.

 

agreed. encourage her to seek out a shelter or work on a plan on getting out. I'm going to assume that her concerns are real and not exaggerated.

[dave_1966]

Be careful, my ex gf abused me financially.

[East4]

does she want help?

 

The fact that she talks of her situation is a cry for help by itself. Very often the victims of systematic abuse get so brain washed by their abusers that they get to think that the abuse is their fault, which prevents them to act rational and ask for help.

 

starrr, I commend you for your empathy towards this poor woman, you seem to have your heart on the right place. You have to know that it is challenging to help a victim of abuse if she's been abused for a long time, because they live in distorted reality, due to the abusers putting all the blame and responsibility of the abuse on the victims. What a normal person would find most infuriating is that they may give practical help to the victim, like e.g. sheltering her at their premises when she knocks on the door all rugged and in bruises, then you find out a few days later that she has returned back to her abuser. AT this point a helping person may decided that the victim does not deserve support, or that they have been taken advantage of, or even start to verbally abuse the victim by telling them they are stupid/crazy to return to the abuser, etc. Please, do not do that. realise that the victim of systematic abuse are in a very dark place, and they do not see things with a clear view. Part them wants to leave the abuser, and part of them is so scared to so do, especially when there are children involved, and third part of them has been brain washed that somehow they deserved the abuse, and that they are bad, worthless people.

 

As a start, listen to this poor woman and try respectfully to reason with her, by explaining that if she breaks free of abuse, it will be better not only for her, but to her child too, because the kids pick up the bad example. Tell her that there's support for women in her situation and give her a Women's shelter number/Abuse Victims Hot line number. But most importantly treat her with respect, because this is what she craves the most, as she has been robbed off her self-respect.

 

As for her overly sexual behaviour-she's acting out of desperation, as she thinks that she can numb the pain, rather than confronting it.

 

On a separate note, I'm surprised by the reaction of other posters here that "she may rob you of your money", or "you could be getting played", "or she's looking for attention". I'm not saying OP has to become a personal angel guardian of the abused woman, but being callous and cold- hearted is exactly the social context that helps abuse being rampant in our society.

[starrrr]

Thank you for everyone's time and replies.

 

Thank you esp. East 4 for your very thoughtful answer.

 

I try to treat her with as much respect as I can, I just listen, and point some things out to her that she may not notice.

 

She's a tough cookie, having had a past growing up from her stories.

 

I know there's not much i can personally do, and I myself have much to work on in my own life...but this woman is being physically abused which is hard to just shake out of my head.

 

I frequent this bar after work just to be away before going home, and i often see her there with her coworkers. All i can do is greet her, hug her, ask how she is, and go back to my corner. It's funny, you may think i am being altruistic but really it is to settle my own mind. It bothers me and compels me to just be nice to her, not purely out of sympathy but also empathy that when things get real confusing I usually turn to things to also numb my pains....

 

But I am careful as much as I can. I can she is a smart woman, and has a heart of her own. She may not make the best choices but i can still see that in her.

 

She's very loud often. And i just let her be, there's not much i can really do.

 

I am glad to say that an update from her is that she is getting an apartment soon.

 

Again thank you for all the replies.

 

As for her wanting help, i am sure she does, but i guess sometimes we do not know how to ask it or where to even look. How confusing it must be when a lot of her life is tied around him. East4, you have really worded it much more elegantly if that is the word. I work on having courage myself, so I cannot imagine her own fight.

[starrrr]

Real person to be commended is this woman fighting her way out of it.

[East4]

Real person to be commended is this woman fighting her way out of it.

 

Very true. Leaving an abusive relationship, especially when there are children involved, is an uphill battle, that requires tremendous courage, will power and self awareness. This necessary strengths are all the more difficult when a woman has been stripped off of her self-esteem and made believe that she's a bad person.

 

The most violent episodes of physical abuse occur when the victim attempts to leave her/his abuser. This is when the abuser feels that his/her control over the victim is threatened, and they strike the hardest. Often with a lethal outcome. Starrr, your friend is in danger, if she's trying to leave to her own apartment. She has to prepare everything carefully and in full secrecy from the abuser, and when everything is in place she has to disappear without any information leakage, he should not know her address. There are a lot of aspects to consider, I would strongly recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that-in the minds of angry and controlling men". This book provides understanding of the dynamics of a abusive relationship, and really helps erase self-doubt in victims that somehow believe that they deserved the bad treatment. The book really well explains how an abuser's minds work, and why is it so easy for them to feel guilt free and why over time abuse escalates if nothing is done. By the way, I found out that the book might be found free of charge on the internet. Cannot post the links, sorry.

 

So, if you want to help your friend, purchase the book for her, or forward her a free pdf copy from the internet.

 

I frequent this bar after work just to be away before going home, and i often see her there with her coworkers. All i can do is greet her, hug her, ask how she is, and go back to my corner. It's funny, you may think i am being altruistic but really it is to settle my own mind.

 

You are doing the right thing by offering your understanding. The helplessness of abuse victims stems from the feeling of isolation that they experience, like they are alone in this world with their abuse problem, and no one will understand or help them. It is very important to build courage and this can happen when a battered woman finds out that she is not alone, and she is understood. She has to seek support from the police and the legal system too, and from what I read in the internet, the US is well prepared to deal with the problem. But it is up to her to break the silence, and go to the police, instead of going to the bar. Perhaps, you can gently suggest this to her?