Record of Anguish

[ballerinababe]

Today was my doctoral commencement ceremony. I didn't really want to go but thought I should so at least I'd get closure and feel like I actually am a "doctor." I had planned to ride my bike to the site, but my mom called a cab because she needed to time her arrival such that I could leave my things with her (there was no place to put your stuff and you were expected to leave your things in your car -- as usual, non-drivers are put at a distinct disadvantage). I didn't want to take a cab. I hate taking cabs. I wanted the freedom of getting in/out on my own terms and without the smoky stench that comes with most cab rides. Well, my mom convinced me to take the cab with her because otherwise it would be difficult to find her and leave my things with her. Before we left, I saw all my colleagues' postings about how happy they were to be graduating and embark on their careers, thanking their myriad family/friends, and it just drove the point home how I don't belong with those people. I am not happy about what's to come. On the contrary, every day I regret my decision to pursue this degree. I don't feel the school prepared me for my job. Sure, on paper it looks like I am well-prepared, but I don't feel confident about my new job. I dread it with a passion. I keep telling myself that I'll just accept the hell that awaits me for a couple years -- however long it takes me to pay back the exorbitant tuition. I think it'll only take 2 years, and luckily I don't have any debt to worry about. But wow, I only have a few years of my mid-thirties left, and it's not fair that I have to spend them in hell, doing a job that I wasn't trained well to do and that could possibly end up landing me in prison if I make a mistake! It's terrifying! And everyone else is so confident and happy. I didn't want to be around that. They were never my friends. They barely acknowledged my existence. And to be fair, I didn't make any attempts to reach out to them, either. So it's on me too. But why bother when I know I won't connect with them in any shape or form? It just requires more energy than it's worth. So yeah, this chapter is over for me, ending with a whimper, ending exactly as I expected: alone and hopeless.

 

We stepped out of the cab and I saw a couple other peers and felt I had to GET OUT OF THERE. I went back in the cab and told the driver to take us back home. Then I cried the whole cab ride back, got home, changed out of my graduation attire and back into pajamas, and crawled into bed with my cats.

 

Life sucks. Now I have the next 2 months to dread my job and study for board exams. What misery awaits me. And to think I accepted a job in a city that doesn't inspire me at all over a great opportunity near the ocean and mountains. Why did I do that? I know part of the reason: to live in the same city as a guy I'd only known for several months! (I'm over the insecurity now; that's not an issue.)

 

He (V) was my dream man on paper. Multi-talented, smart, amazingly handsome... I thought I'd found the one, and finally all my past regrets in romance could evaporate. All my mistakes in love didn't matter anymore because I'd met this man. Well, now I find out we lack a basic compatibility. It's hard to describe what it is, exactly, but he doesn't bring out my personality. Instead, he seems to bring out a darker (or at best duller) side, because he rarely gives feedback or acknowledges what I am trying to communicate. Our communication styles are completely incompatible. He has said he wants to work on it and I can tell he has tried. I've been trying, too. I wanted to marry this man. But it's just. not. working. And now I'm gonna have to move to his town and live just a few miles away from him. By then we may have broken up and it will be so depressing. I already tried ending things a couple times but it didn't stick. I am not quite ready to give up the dream. He says he can't imagine being with anyone but me and doesn't want to break up; he wants to work on things. I'm trying so hard but seems I'm always feeling tormented with him! Whenever I see he has sent me a message, a sick feeling surges through my stomach. But then I look at him, and he's so gorgeous, and he's so talented, and most would think I'm crazy to let this guy go. And the thought of him being with someone else makes me so sick!!! That's not a good reason to stay with someone, though... I just don't know what to do!

 

On the other hand, I have recently gotten to know another man (X), a man who brings out my personality and makes me feel alive and animated. He and I relate to each other and connect on all the levels that V and I don't. We have been writing back and forth to each other and he also lives in that town where I'll be moving. We are not having an "affair" or anything at all; we are just talking as friends. However, seeing how good I feel interacting with him, and how nice it is for my personality to come out and connect with someone else's makes it all the more clear that something isn't right with V. And it devastates me. X has such a warm and empathetic spirit, whereas V often emanates a coldness and detachment that makes me feel disconnected from him, interspersed with moments of sweetness and love and a quiet & understated passion. I love V and I know he loves me very much. He can be really nice. But other times he is just clueless and it's astounding to me how different and incompatible our communication styles are. There's only so much people can change.

 

I want to be with someone who brings out my true spirit, not someone who makes me feel flat and dull. On the other hand, we enjoy a lot of the same activities, and maybe if we are keeping busy doing things together, it wouldn't matter so much. However, we DID get together and do a fun activity last weekend, and I ended up relating more to a 60-year-old redneck than my own boyfriend. Isn't that a red flag? Life's already hard enough with my dreadful career. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to move to that town, I don't want to start that job, I don't want to break up with V, but I don't want to feel so tormented anymore. X makes me feel so good, but I don't want to let myself grow even more attached and jump into something intense, which is what I'm prone to do with people until I realize I made a mistake down the road. If only I had a different personality. Life would be so much easier.

[ballerinababe]

Now I have almost 2 months until my job, two months to dread the future and struggle to get up everything morning and study for the boards. There is absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing to look forward to in life. And when you're pursuing a career that doesn't utilize the unique talents you do have to offer, your life really is a waste. I can't stand this existence.

[ballerinababe]

Life continues its bleak march.

Last night I had a 5-hour phone conversation with X. It was really fun! He brought up coming to visit me for a day this weekend and it really caught me off-guard. That's about a 4-hour drive one way. I sort of froze and then went along with it, so at this point he's planning to come in a couple days!! Now I'm in full-blown panic mode and wracked with guilt. I need to either break up with V or cancel the visit with X and I only have a day or so to decide. I know if V comes it won't feel completely platonic. We have an undeniable connection and I feel close with him already. I want to just keep it platonic at this time but I feel at this point that's not gonna happen. Even if I avoid any physical contact, I think the connection itself will be so palpable it'll seems very weird to avoid it.

 

My options are:

1) STALL: Tell X that I have a lot on my plate now and it would be better if we meet another time. In the meantime, continue with soul-searching and decide what I want to do about V -- stay together or not? I feel like the only hope V and I might have is if we went to couples counseling but that's not feasible now, plus it's expensive.

2) CHEAT: Just go ahead and take the path of least resistance, let X come, and avoid all physical contact. I feel it would still be emotional cheating, however. It would really upset me if the roles were reversed. If I choose this option, I will feel so much guilt. NO, I don't think I can go through with it.

3) END IT WITH V: Risk it and end things with V and go ahead with X guilt-free. Despite feeling that V and I don't relate well to each other (although strangely enough we have so many common interests), I still feel attached to him, and I love him and don't feel ready to move on from him. If there is a slight chance I could make things work with him, I would want to take it, and I don't want to end things pre-emptively and have regrets down the road. Regrets are the bane of my existence and I have enough of them as it is. I can't risk adding another huge regret to the list.

4) END IT WITH X: Just tell X that I have been seeing someone, things have been on and off, and I wasn't expecting to form such a strong and intense connection with X in the meantime. Tell him I want to be friends with X but it feels like there is more than friendship blossoming and I can't allow that at this time because it's not fair to anyone involved. I really value X's friendship and hope we can continue to correspond but with the understanding that I have issues to sort out in my personal life that preclude us from taking things to another level.

 

I told my mom these options and she thinks I should dump V and see what happens with X, OR just keep things platonic with X during this visit and stall with V if I can't bring myself to end it with him yet. She has heard me complain a lot about feeling like V doesn't bring out my personality and that I feel dull/unstimulated around V (despite the fact that V is so smart and knowledgeable -- I just don't understand that dichotomy). On the other hand she has seen and heard how animated I get when talking to X.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm thinking option 4 is the best option for everyone involved, but I'm scared I'm making the wrong choice. I really love the way I feel talking to X but we haven't known each other very long. I don't love the way I feel talking to V about 50-70% of the time, but there are flashes of fun and flashes of connection. The other thing is, I seem to zoom in on the negative aspects of V and not share the positives as much, and I don't know if that's because there aren't many positives, or because I'm blinded by the negatives and just tend to communicate those better. It's hard to communicate to others how I feel about V because in some ways I'm very confused myself!

 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! Can anyone help??

[Batya33]

Have you and V tried counseling?

[ballerinababe]

No, we haven't tried counseling. Once we were talking and he actually mentioned going to counseling himself but we never spoke about that again. I do think we could benefit from it but now we're not in the same city and won't be for 1.5 more months. I don't know what we could do in the meantime. I suggested going on a break and he said he would do whatever I felt I needed but that he would rather we stay together and he couldn't imagine being with anyone else. He also says he feels most like himself around me, but I don't feel that way with him. But I admire and adore him. I just wish I could feel like myself around him!

[Batya33]

Just a guess- I bet you found his "coldness" a turn on when you first met him -that it was a challenge to get to know him, to get him to warm up to you -but now it's too much work.

[ballerinababe]

No, not really.

I'm willing to put in the work if there is work to be done. But I am very concerned that we simply have a basic incompatibility.

 

He cares about me and does very sweet and nice things for me. He is more of a show and not tell kind of person, whereas I really value verbal expression. He likes to communicate through physical interaction a lot, too. So I don't doubt his feelings for me. It's just that I don't feel our communication styles bring out the best in me or my personality. And that's a big concern. Is there a way to change this?

[DancingFool]

Warning bluntness ahead so skip over if you don't want to hear it.

 

 

You are lying to yourself about your feelings for V. You don't really love him, he is just your security blanket that you are scare to let go of. You are hands down not compatible with each other and counseling won't fix that. He is not broken, just not for you. You are already cheating on him emotionally with X and are pretty darn close to cheating physically as well. You are actually contemplating it. For the love of everything holy and your own self respect - dump V already and set him free. Set yourself free as well. This is not working and just because someone should be right on paper, which is where V is at, doesn't make them right in real life. If you stay with V, this desire to stray and seek connection with someone else will continue turning you into a perpetual cheater and that's not going to bring you happiness.....ever...... You are setting yourself up for misery and are solely responsible for sitting at the bottom of the pit. You are actively putting yourself there. Time to take charge of your life and put a stop to this security blanket bs. You don't need that. You need happiness and happiness comes from letting go and actually going after what makes you happy.

 

Above aside, you sound like someone who needs to seek treatment for depression asap. When your life is not actually all black, but all you see is black and bad, time to realize that you have a problem.

[ballerinababe]

Wow, that's pretty blunt indeed!

 

I think you're being a bit harsh about my emotional cheating and it's extreme to say I don't really love V. After speaking with X last night I recognized it was going in an inappropriate direction (although we never flirt) and since then have been trying to figure out what to do about it. I think most people "emotionally cheat" if this is considered emotional cheating. Do you really believe that once persons A and B commit to each other, they never ever have feelings for anyone else? And if they do, that nullifies their love for each other? I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that. I think that level of devotion is pretty rare. Most people have attractions to other people. I dunno, when I was very young and naïve I thought one day I'd meet "the one" and I'd never look back and never have any romantic feelings for anyone else. But how realistic is that for most people, really? Maybe you, DF, have been lucky in that regard, but alas, I have not.

 

I think you could be right that I am setting myself up for misery. But if there is a chance I could do something to make things work with V I would do it. Despite your opinion that I don't really love him and he is just my security blanket, I DO really love him, in the way I am capable of loving (which might not line up with the way you define love).

 

I don't agree I need to seek treatment for depression. I tend to exaggerate my negativity and am prone to hyperbole particularly in writing. Also, am fundamentally opposed to taking medications for something that treats a neurotransmitter imbalance that I don't believe I have. I KNOW the reason I'm feeling dark, and it's due to circumstances, not anything else.

[ballerinababe]

Of note, I did tell V about X. I even told him that we had a great conversation and that I felt more like myself talking to X. But V didn't really acknowledge this beyond saying, "I did notice that you like to have energetic dialogue, but I'm not really good at that."

[DancingFool]

I don't have luck, just life experience. One thing I've learned personally is this - when I am with the right person, I have no desire to seek emotional connections with other men. On the other hand, when the relationship is not right in whatever respect, my eye and mind will wonder. There is a huge temptation to connect with someone else and that is my clue to dump the guy I'm with. It is not working. When it's right, there is a sense of peace, of security and fulfillment. Like I could trip over the world's greatest man and not really care or notice much. When you don't feel that way, chances are good that you are not with the right person and perhaps haven't experienced that connection yet.

 

There is a fine, but a very distinct line between friendship and emotional cheating. Yes, I do think you are crossing it even if you don't agree. We'll just have to agree to disagree. X is serving a purpose of fulfilling you and answering an emotional craving that you have due to your incompatibility with V. On top of that, I can only read what you wrote - contemplating cheating and realizing that X is not coming over with platonic intentions. You know just with that that the lines have been crossed. I guess what I'm getting at is very simply that if you and V were really all that, X would have never come into the picture the way he has. That's it. Food for thought for you.

 

Regarding depression....your reaction to people being happy around you and looking forward to things, going back to the taxi and home in tears, etc. That's not dramatic writing. It is a problem. You don't have to treat depression with meds. I agree with you that the meds are actually scary given all the side effects. However, there are other options like behavioral therapy - it takes work, it's not simple or quick or easy, but it's basically getting your brain retrained to make different connections and not just jump to negativity and painting the world black. It works for many people who don't want to do meds and really really want a permanent change in their life, but it's not fast and takes a lot of effort on your part, thus not so popular as just popping a happy pill for many people.

[Batya33]

I think it's normal to have feelings/attractions to other people - but when you commit to someone you choose not to act on them or play with fire. That is why the marriage vows exist -the vows acknowledge that it's human to be tempted from time to time. I think it's fine, even advisable to maintain friendships with men and women while you are serious with someone else and as far as not playing with fire to me the test is whether you would introduce the man to your partner and whether that man would be supportive of your relationship with your partner.

[ballerinababe]

Thanks, DF. What you say makes sense and I agree with you for the most part. I do appreciate your feedback, even if the blunt parts sort of sting initially!

 

I did tell V about X. I even told him that X and I met for lunch and ended up having a great 4-hour conversation, and that I felt more like myself around X than I did around V... V didn't say anything about this, though.

 

Incidentally, V and I just videochatted for the past 2.5 hours and the conversation went much better than usual. He seemed more engaged and inquisitive. If conversations were consistently at this level (still not ideal but not stifling) then I think we could make this work.

[ballerinababe]

Today V has been more communicative than usual, sending me a text saying he misses me in the morning and then another cute and clever text later in the day. I wonder if he is making a concerted effort to do this or if he is sporadically communicative based on his mood? He also told me he hid all the pictures of him and his ex on FB because I'd mentioned awhile ago that it didn't feel good to see pics of him with his ex plastered all over his profile whenever I went to his page. It's weird that he barely comments on what I tell him and rarely tells me if/what he will do about an issue, but then at some point I do notice changes. However, he never tells me how difficult it is for him to make those changes, so I have no clue if it's something sustainable or how it's affecting him. I wish he would communicate this stuff with me. It sure would give me a peace of mind. Instead, I have learned to not expect anything on any specific timeline, but rather to be pleasantly surprised if I notice a nice change.

[ballerinababe]

Also, he never suggests anything I might do to help the relationship. He always just says he doesn't want me to change and he likes me the way I am. But then it makes me feel guilty like I'm forcing him to change when he apparently is so much more tolerant about me. It's pretty annoying, actually. I asked him why he felt it was okay for him to change for me, and not vice versa, and he said it was because he felt insecure and assumed he needed to change but I didn't. I said that was ridiculous, and I want to work together and just be more communicative and open, but he feels that communicating anything negative is imposing.

[ballerinababe]

To give V positive reinforcement, I sent him this text message:

 

"Darling, thank you for communicating throughout the day! It makes me feel closer to you. I love you!"

 

His response was true to the usual V form:

 

"How was the ride back?"

 

 

So much for positive reinforcement...

 

 

 

 

 

 

](*,)

[Batya33]

To give V positive reinforcement, I sent him this text message:

 

"Darling, thank you for communicating throughout the day! It makes me feel closer to you. I love you!"

 

His response was true to the usual V form:

 

"How was the ride back?"

 

 

So much for positive reinforcement...

 

 

 

 

 

 

](*,)

 

That wouldn't work for me -typed words on a computer that sound kind of formal even if spoken. It implies that he hasn't "communicated" enough in the past which it sounds like you've told him many times already. Also it was all about you and as if your love is conditioned on him "making you feel" closer. I would have either told him over the phone or written something like "fun chatting with you today- love you!" I am nitpicking because you are nitpicking at his response. Think about it - his response is very specific and shows he cares about your trip back.

[ballerinababe]

I see what you're saying, and I was wondering something along those lines after I received his tepid response, but if that comment annoyed him, I wish he would've just told me! Well, now I feel very bad about making that comment. Ugh.

[ballerinababe]

I bet I sound like a hypocrite to V because these days I don't bother to reach out much at all to him. I stopped awhile ago because his responses seemed so formal and detached that it was too frustrating to deal with it. If only he would tell me how he's feeling about all this stuff, I wouldn't have to make so many guesses, and try (and fail) to provide positive reinforcement!

[ballerinababe]

I don't think his response only shows he cares about my ride back, though. If I had responded like that, it would be because I was annoyed and didn't feel like saying "I love you" back so avoided it by asking about something else. Of course he's very different than I am, but that's the thing -- it's hard to extrapolate his thoughts/feelings because I'm having a difficult time empathizing with him. And normally I'm very perceptive and empathetic. But with him, he's so detached that I actually suspect he doesn't react internally very much. On the other hand, he gets emotional about things and even tears up when I tell him some things. I just don't know how he operates!

[chickadeedee]

>>Now I have almost 2 months until my job, two months to dread the future and struggle to get up everything morning and study for the boards. There is absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing to look forward to in life. And when you're pursuing a career that doesn't utilize the unique talents you do have to offer, your life really is a waste. I can't stand this existence

 

You just completed a doctorate and should be happy and proud and looking forward to a career and happiness. The very fact that you made that statment above lets me know you are clinically depressed and not thinking clearly and probably need to see a therapist and consider medication. You shouldn't be making any life decisions when you are steeped in that kind of black cloud of depression. You need to get yourself back on track and looking happily at life, and shouldn't make major decisions until you do so.

[Batya33]

I don't think his response only shows he cares about my ride back, though. If I had responded like that, it would be because I was annoyed and didn't feel like saying "I love you" back so avoided it by asking about something else. Of course he's very different than I am, but that's the thing -- it's hard to extrapolate his thoughts/feelings because I'm having a difficult time empathizing with him. And normally I'm very perceptive and empathetic. But with him, he's so detached that I actually suspect he doesn't react internally very much. On the other hand, he gets emotional about things and even tears up when I tell him some things. I just don't know how he operates!

 

Please consider that you're analyzing his way of communicating and showing emotion based on words typed on a screen in response to your words typed on a screen. Not fair at all IMO.

[quirky]

To me it sounds like you just yearn for a different kind of interaction, more involved, more lively. Trouble with that is..that's not his nature. So how important is that to you? For many people, particularly men, they show their interest by paying attention to your every day life. No words or flowery words. Some women are ok with it.

 

I personally struggle with it because I am very expressive verbally. I dated a guy briefly who was willing to do so much to make me happy but that excitement, playfulness and liveliness just wasn't there. I decided to leave because I realised that this was very important to me, without that excitability I felt like my wings were clipped.

 

If you keep contact with X you will get more confused. So maybe leave that aside and look at yourself and feelings without that influence. What do you find most daunting about your professional path? Also I wonder..maybe it's best to take the job by the mountains and sea if that's what makes you happy, you don't have to do something you don't want to.

[ballerinababe]

I personally struggle with it because I am very expressive verbally. I dated a guy briefly who was willing to do so much to make me happy but that excitement, playfulness and liveliness just wasn't there. I decided to leave because I realised that this was very important to me, without that excitability I felt like my wings were clipped.

 

I totally know how you feel! This is the perfect (and creative!) way to describe it! Thanks for the feedback, quirky! Whenever I've read your posts in other threads, I've noticed that we seem to have quite a bit in common.

 

Unfortunately I can't take the oceanside job because I already accepted this offer and rejected the other one. I think I'll have to just slog through this job for a couple years and then apply for a new job somewhere else. I may just stay in this 2nd field for about a decade, make good money, and then switch to part-time -- even just working 10 hours a week -- while taking on more music projects or whatever other opportunities I carved out for myself in the meantime. I think I can make it work. It won't be ideal in the beginning, but as long as I don't screw up (which I'm still scared about!), it probably won't be complete hell, or even if it is, at least there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, because I can always quit if it gets too bad.

 

Video-chatted with V last night. His friend is having a wedding in a few weeks near V's parents' city. V asked if I would join him and meet/stay with his parents. I should add that this invitation was not without its annoyances. He had mentioned this wedding several weeks ago and asked me tentatively if I'd want to be his +1. I said something like, "Yeah, we can go. Let's do it." Anyway, during last night's conversation, my dad had just sent me an invitation to visit him this weekend or next for a concert. V said maybe he could come too. I said "yeah! I'll find out if my dad could get another ticket to ___, and you could visit with your parents while we're there too!" to which V then replied, "Actually, I'm already going to [that city] for a wedding in June, and plan to take a few days off and stay with my parents then." I was annoyed, because the way he worded it strongly suggested he was going alone and not with me. I asked, "Oh, when will you be leaving?" and he replied with the date, again with no mention of having previously invited me. I was annoyed. I gave him ample time to acknowledge that we'd discussed my joining him and/or tell me that he'd changed his mind and wanted to go alone. He didn't, so finally I said, "I thought I was joining you for the wedding." He told me, "Yes, but I've had such bad luck in the past bringing partners to weddings..." (He'd told me about one experience where he and a gf planned a wedding trip but broke up before that wedding and then still attended the wedding together, which was a bit of a disaster.) I asked, "Have you had more issues than the one you told me about?" and he said no. I said, "Okay, so you don't want me to go now because you're afraid it'll go badly?" and he said he was a little scared it would go like it did with his ex, where we'd break up before the wedding, but then he asked if I wanted to go with him, we started making plans for what to do in that city, he said he wanted me to stay with him at his parents' house, and even suggested that our parents meet then. So he really changed his tune quickly.

 

He brought up taking a vacation together before I start working, which we'd discussed briefly before, but since things have been pretty unstable with us lately, I figured the trip wasn't going to happen. I mentioned a certain location that I thought we'd both enjoy but then said I'd need to do some calculations before determining if that would be financially feasible for me. He asked me what I would do if he woke me up one morning and said he'd gotten us plane tickets to ___ and we were leaving right then for a surprise vacation. I said I'd like that, but I doubt he'd actually do it. If he did something that spontaneous I would definitely be pleasantly surprised!

 

After telling him how much trouble I'd been having figuring out moving, he also offered to help with the move, which was nice. I have trouble accepting favors from anyone, and I felt pretty uncomfortable telling him about the trouble I'd been having, because it seemed like I was cornering him into offering his help. I hope he didn't feel that way. At the same time, why should I feel guilty for relying on an intimate friend or boyfriend occasionally? I think with him it's because he never needs help or any type of support, emotional or otherwise, and I'd feel closer and more comfortable reaching out/asking for help if he would do the same with me. However, his life seriously has NO problems. He loves his job, he has boundless energy for pursuing multiple hobbies, he is very secure financially, he has a healthy assortment of friends, and overall he leads a charmed life. He seems to operate on the same calm and collected emotional level 95% of the time.

 

At one point I shared something with him and he looked kind of confused. He tried to ask a question but it wasn't really related to what I'd said. I could tell he was trying, and that was the best he could do. I appreciated the (failed) attempt, but I know if I'd said the same thing to X, it would've stimulated a really interesting dialogue. I have to figure out just how important conversations are to me in a romantic partner. Let's face it, I already know it's really important.

[Batya33]

I think that he at least senses indirectly how critical you are of his way of speaking to you and his conversational style -if not directly. That is why he changed his mind about the wedding. Of course he should have told you that directly because it's not nice to uninvite someone but I can understand why he is trying to distance himself.

 

If you think his life "seriously has no problems" then my guess is that you don't know him very well or care to - he seems to be a Mr. Right Now/Perfect on Paper. He deserves someone who admires him including the way he communicates and cares to know him intimately. I am not saying he has major problems just that your perspective sounds like one a stranger would have looking on Facebook at a Facebook friend's posts.