Record of Anguish

[ballerinababe]

I have cared to know him intimately. He has told me numerous times that I know and understand him better than anyone else except maybe his parents. He has said that he feels he can be his complete self around me.

 

He has also told me that he has always been known as "aloof" and that many people have told him he is hard to read. Apparently he was so mysterious in high school that a funny website was designed and dedicated for him that tracked his movements and actions.

 

He does lead a charmed life. Some people have better luck than others. He's one of the lucky ones. Why does that fact imply that I don't know him at all? That's simply not the case.

 

Also, I don't want a Mr. Right Now. I am very independent and have no problem being alone; I don't need a boyfriend to "complete" me.

 

As for the wedding, I don't think he was trying to uninvite me. I think if he does have issues it's that he can be pretty insecure due to past failed relationships, and sometimes he lets what happened with them affect his actions now. In fact he even said that last night, acknowledging that he shouldn't let what happened with an ex affect his behavior with me.

[ballerinababe]

Feeling so weak... Have barely left my bed for the last couple days. Studied a bit in bed today and broke the ice, which I feel good about. Today and yesterday napped substantially throughout the day. Feel like something is not right... I dunno if all the stress is wearing me down or if it's also some health issue. I wonder if I'm anemic or have a B12 deficiency. I was vegetarian for many years and got very weak. Went to the doctor and my protein levels were very low. Started eating turkey and chicken a couple times a week and my protein levels returned to normal and I felt better. But in the last year I've been veering back toward total vegetarianism. Maybe I eat one serving of chicken every month. I dunno if that's why I feel so weak again.

 

V has been looking forward to visiting me this weekend... He plans to take off early from work tomorrow and stay until Monday evening. It's such a long visit and there is nothing to do around here. I sleep so much better when I'm alone. I can't sleep around him. On top of that, he likes staying up late with me but still wakes up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 8am every morning. I think it's difficult for him to understand that I NEED 7-8 hours of sleep to function properly, because he simply doesn't need it, and he also can fall asleep virtually on command anywhere, whereas I am very sensitive about where/when I can sleep, down to very specific pillow configurations. I just don't know if I can get through this weekend. I am so so tired and weak already. And he has so much energy. I can't do it. I may have to cancel, but he is going to be so disappointed. He told me he hasn't been making any other plans because he wants to leave all his time open to spend with me. Ahhhh it makes me feel so guilty! But honestly, I want to go to the doctor tomorrow and get some blood tests. I feel I am surely deficient of something. Hopefully I don't have mono again!! I caught it from a previous boyfriend in 2011 and never felt quite the same ever since. This weakness is causing me even more stress on top of everything else, and I just don't see how I can be fun and energetic and entertaining for 3.5 days straight with V!! But if I want to cancel, I have to decide FAST, before he goes to sleep tonight!!

[ballerinababe]

Well, he just texted me good night. Window of opportunity closed. Will try to wake up early tomorrow and see how I feel.

[ballerinababe]

Up late paranoid I have Lyme disease. Cannot sleep. Sent V a message saying I couldn't meet this weekend and apologizing profusely. I am freaking out.

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better. I also get occasional insomnia but used to have it much more and am very particular too about sleeping arrangements. I have worked very hard on battling it especially the last 3-4 years with cognitive changes and practices. My suggestion -if he stays over you tell him you need your sleep and that you will cuddle before you fall asleep but sleep in separate rooms/spaces and if he gets up early to be quiet and let you rest. My husband sleeps in and I am very quiet and I go to sleep earlier than him most of the time and he does the same for me.

[ballerinababe]

Thanks Batya, for the suggestion. Yes, I was thinking I would just sleep at my mom's (she lives a block away).

 

I finally fell asleep sometime after 5:30am after sending V a couple emails explaining I've been feeling really weak and then another more panicked one saying I thought I might have Lyme disease. In the light of day I doubt I have Lyme disease but it's still possible. Anyway, V has not responded to my emails. You'd think he would show some concern considering how bad I told him I was feeling. Just checked my phone and he has texted me a single frowny face. I guess he's mad/disappointed/skeptical. Now a new text has just come in:

 

"I hope you feel better, I really want to see you"

 

If he had sent me a message panicked about his health in the dead of night, I would have shown some more concern, asked questions, and/or tried to ease his worries if I thought the roots of his worries were unlikely. I just feel sick about the entire situation. I didn't want to disappoint him but now I feel like he doesn't even believe what I told him and thinks I'm exaggerating.

[ballerinababe]

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?"

 

"I don't know, how many?"

 

"Zero."

 

"I don't get it…"

 

V's eyes widened, his face incredulous. "Zero… It doesn't take any…"

 

Sensing V disillusionment, BB felt uncomfortable. "Yes…?"

 

His face sank further into shock and horror. How could she not have heard of the Irish potato famine? "Have you not heard of the Irish potato famine? That's what drove many Irish citizens to the U.S."

 

"No, I don't remember hearing about that. Sorry!" Several months ago, BB had shared with V that she had attended two crummy schools from age 9-14 and had even told him that she felt out of all the subjects, history was her worst. However, even if that had been taught then, why would she remember? She certainly didn't remember everything she was ever taught -- not by a long shot.

 

"I told you I don't know much about history, with the exception of music history," she hedged.

 

"You do know there were two world wars, right?"

 

That comment stung, but BB laughed it off. "Yes, I know there were two world wars." She tried to change the subject, but V was still fixated on the potato famine. How could she not know this?!

 

"Were you homeschooled or something??"

 

BB paused. Now she was feeling quite hurt and humiliated, especially considering what she had shared with V just a few days earlier -- that her brain was exhausted, that it had been deleting old files but not saving new ones. She had told him over the course of several months that her mind just didn't feel as sharp as it did before starting her third graduate program. Even if she hadn't been burned out, she still didn't remember learning about the potato famine. Different schools teach different subjects. The Irish potato famine had never come up in previous conversation. What was the big deal?

 

In spite of all this, V found it mind-boggling that BB did not recall this watershed event in Irish history.

 

"No, I wasn't homeschooled." She tried to laugh it off again, and gave V the opportunity to backpedal: "Oh dear, now you think I'm really uneducated! Is this really something everything knows?"

 

The opportunity was not taken, but the knife only jabbed deeper: "Yes, it is something everyone learns about."

 

At that point, BB felt like she was going to cry. She couldn't continue this conversation. "I think it's time to go," she said before abruptly shutting off the video chat.

 

John was nonplussed, texting " didn't mean to make you feel bad". In response to Martha's "Well you did!", he replied, "I know, I'm sorry" and that was it. No further communication for the following 38 hours.

 

BB could not believe his insensitivity and lack of empathy! Why would he go silent like that?

 

The longer his silence lasted, the more disillusioned and disgusted BB became. She had intended to wait and see when/if he would get in touch, but after 38 hours of silence, her anger reached a point of no return, and she felt compelled to contact him.

 

She wrote this post which she is considering emailing to V.

[NorthDallas40]

I believe I've known the phrase "Irish potato famine" since before I was a teen, but I don't recall ever being taught about it. Like V said, it's just something that most people know.

 

Keep in mind, however, that I'm 13 years older than you, so the cultural landscape may have been different for me as a kid.

 

I felt the same way as V when an English teacher I dated - and who won Teacher of The Year that year, no less - had never heard of H.G. Wells. I was completely incredulous. She of course thought I was being a snob.

 

In short, personally I wouldn't be mad at V for the potato famine thing.

[ballerinababe]

Well, personally I think it's much worse that he can't get "its" vs" it's" and "than" vs "then" straight, but I don't try to make him feel like an idiot for it. Also, not knowing H.G. Wells as an English teacher is way worse than not knowing about the potato famine as a classical pianist and pharmacist, I think. If I didn't know about Beethoven or Prozac, for example, that would be more comparable.

 

Anyway, it's not as much the potato famine thing as it is the lack of effort to reach out afterward when he knew it upset me. Obviously he was shocked I didn't know that. Fine. Granted. But how can he just go silent when he acknowledged he made me feel bad? That shows a lack of care and compassion, does it not?

[NorthDallas40]

How can he just go silent when he acknowledged he made me feel bad?

 

Because his apology was the last communication ya'll had after you took him to task for his behavior, which admittedly was insensitive.

 

So since he texted last, he probably feels that the ball is now in your court.

 

My advice would be to be the bigger person and contact him in a friendly way that invites a positive response. THEN you can see what he does.

 

Just don't be the woman that repeatedly asks for an apology after one is already given. That will only make your record of anguish continue.

[ballerinababe]

Considering that just two days earlier we'd had a long conversation about how I felt I couldn't think clearly or retain information, and that I even went to the doctor about it and found I had a vitamin deficiency that may have partially accounted for it, then yes, it was especially insensitive. I don't mind being the bigger person and letting smaller things like this go, but he has a talent for going silent and I always break the silence. It doesn't take much thought or effort to type "I'm sorry." I guess I just want to see what happens if I don't initiate the reach-out for a change. I would like him to acknowledge that he was insensitive. If he indeed lacks this much sensitivity then I can't imagine spending a lifetime with someone like that, no matter how brilliant and talented and handsome he is otherwise. This certainly isn't the first time something like this has happened and I've questioned our compatibility.

 

However, I wanted to give the relationship a robust whole-hearted attempt since I'll be moving to his city in just 3 weeks (3.5 hour drive) and we will finally have the opportunity to not be long-distance. The idea that things might end before I move is really depressing, especially because part of the reason I took a job in that city was for him!

 

Funnily, just earlier in that same conversation, he was suggesting our parents meet, and was all excited about a trip we have planned for next week. I'm supposed to attend a wedding with him in his home city and stay with his parents, and we were going to do a variety of activities while there. But now...silence, and I don't feel we are in a stable enough relationship for me to meet his parents. Of course if I say that, he'll think I'm lashing out in anger.

 

So what do I do? I guess two options:

 

1) Break up.

2) Be the "bigger person" again and brush this under the rug.

 

Not sure if I have it in me to achieve either of those options, though. Argh.

 

If we break up it will be especially pathetic when he receives two different gifts from me (sent last week and a few days ago) in the mail later this week!

[ballerinababe]

UPDATE! V texted me an unsolicited verbose message!

 

A heart emoji followed by a question mark.

 

He's really stepping it up!

 

 

 

EDITED to add:

Another text message just now. Apparently he received a postcard I'd sent him with a cute limerick I wrote for him.

 

V: "Thanks for the postcard, that was sweet of you!"

BB: "You're welcome."

 

Silence since then. Guess he has no intention of broaching the potato famine fiasco! I feel extremely annoyed.