My Co-Worker

[Swanseagirl]

Hi Greta96,

 

When he says things he jokes and winds up the other female coworkers. I'm not proud about it more confused and curious, he didn't actually say we had sex he was just messing about cos I had been out the night before and so he said he did too, something like that anyway.

 

I do try hard not to flirt or let him know I like him because obviously he is married so hopefully to him and my other coworkers it doesn't seem obvious. Many things that happen between us that I've mentioned happen in private when it's just us. My co workers know that we have not even swapped phone numbers so I don't think they will think much of it as he does kid around a lot.

 

When he mentioned the young and attractive part he never once mentioned me or involved me in those comments in anyway but did mention my other co workers if only just to slate them (jokingly) I assumed from that that he was not at all interested in any way shape or form as that was his chance to kind of tell me.

[Swanseagirl]

hi mhowe, I really don't think they do they have all known him a long time and know he jokes a lot, he only said that comment in front of one co worker not all

[shellyf62]

Your post made me sick to my stomach.

I have lived through this!!!

My ex became infatuated with a very young co worker. He was the boss too.

They started having lunches, dinners, he picked her up & dropped her home.

I assumed he was working late.

Then I found the emails professing their love for each other.

We are now divorced. His children have very little respect for him.

Get out now before you destroy his family. Find a new job. Don't flirt with the new boss. Learn a huge lesson about being professional at work and have self respect & dignity!!!

[itsallgrand]

Hi it'sallgrand.

 

Honest answer.... No I'm not hard up for attention, I have plenty of attention at this job from the other male workers. Let alone outside of work. I'm not saying I'm good looking or anything just normal and not a skinny lass either!

 

I guess with him it's what seems like kindness he seems so sweet and lovely that's all

 

Ok then...I'm thinking you do have trouble telling the difference in a man who lavishes you with attention in order to get laid, and the kind of attention that a man who likes and respects you shows.

In other words, your perv detector is waaay off. Because this guy is shooting off signals right and left and center that he is one, looking to get laid where he can.

 

Do you date? If you don't, maybe you should try. Get your mind off all this attention on your older boss. Spend time with guys your own age, dating and flirting and having regular interactions.

 

Because this isn't your run of the mill interaction with a man. This is the unhealthy end of the pool...the man has it down pat. And you are eating it up like ice cream. Something is very wrong there.

[ParisPaulette]

You are being played like a cheap violin. I hope you enjoy being the side piece, because he's grooming you for that so hard it's ridiculous. And yes, the rest of the office knows it too.

 

Seriously, this guy is a shark and you are swimming right into the trap. And he doesn't do that with the other employees, because he knows they aren't that naive. Dating this guy, even if he were single, would still be a very dangerous thing to do. I lost an entire career doing that then the romance went south once.

 

Married? Please, better to just hand in your resignation now before you have the stain of cheating with a married man on your employment record.

 

I am dead serious here too. You are walking along with him towards affairland and you need to put the brakes on STAT.

 

P.S. It's not nice to have a married anything want you. It's an insult, because it means they think you're naive and gullible enough to agree to be their side action. It's a very thinly veiled insult actually. He doesn't see you as an equal and contributing member of the office. He sees you as a means to spice up his sexx life at the expense of your own emotional sanity and well-being, not to mention your job.

 

Hopefully you will one day come to understand that people like this are in many ways far more hostile and far worse for you than the person who openly dislikes you.

[catfeeder]

The guy is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

[Swanseagirl]

Hi parispaulette

 

Thanks for reading and commenting, this is probably my naivety coming out but he doesn't seem like that type of guy that you have described, could it not just be fun flirtyness at work and nothing more? I honestly believe he wouldn't make a move I don't think he would really get the chance to either. Sorry if I'm being really niave here I've just never experienced this before.

[Swanseagirl]

I'm not sure if what I have described makes it sound worse than what it is, some days he's completely work focused and uninterested

[Deciduous]

Hi Deci

 

I respect your points and I haven't really looked at it like that before, but he didn't call me he called a co worker about me, he doesn't have my number.

 

I have spoken to my colleagues about him but they have never mentioned that he has ever strayed but they also have not had a young woman working there before.

 

I'm not sure this is a game to him I don't think he knows I like him, and I don't know if he's just being nice to me maybe because I'm new. He seems shy and nervous and I can't see him making any type of move!

 

 

Good Grief!

 

This thread is becoming a bit heated and rather insulting to the OP. Swansea, what I don't want us to do, is alienate you by bashing your self-esteem. I promise you there is not one person on this thread, who has not had their head turned, by some-one who was not who they seemed.

 

Let's get that straight. We all made some dodgy choices in our past. So no need to feel silly. Why should you? You are just trying to come to grips and understand this situation.

 

Please understand me when I say, because there is a mixture of ages on eNotalone - there is a opportunity to hear the experiences of others in similar situations. What worked, what didn't work. eNotalone is about sharing wisdom, surely.

 

What I'd hate, is that you "shut down" from this thread. I think a good starting place is that you recognise that you are enamored by this man. And without self-blame, you begin to analyse what is drawing you in, particularly. That's why I asked you earlier "what are the qualities you are looking for in man." Clearly this man is providing something very key to you, right now. He is providing a need. What is that need?

 

Once you consciously expose that in your mind, you can begin to look at his positive qualities (those that you would like in your life) and his negative qualities (those that may not work in a healthy relationship setting)

 

I think, as soon as you are able to admit to yourself that you do have a crush on him - you then give yourself the correct tools to address the situation. Admittedly this thread does not allow or encourage you to admit that to yourself, but I think that is a key starting point.

 

God Bless

 

Decixxx

[Swanseagirl]

Hi again Deci,

 

Thanks for your kind words, I know I have a crush on him and can admit that, the things that draw me in about him are that he is kind and caring he cares when I'm upset he offers support (and I'm having a very rough time at home at the moment) he's hard working and gets my sense of humour. I think that's why he kind of makes me feel safe, he's like a comfort because things are so bad for me at the moment. And although I shouldn't I want more of that. That's my honest answer I know people will judge me on that and say I'm a home wrecker or a niave idiot but it's the truth.

 

I posted here because I didn't know if what I was seeing/feeling from him was all in my head.

[greta96]

You are being naïve, you are young, haven't dealt with too much BS yet in life and still believe that some people can't be as disgusting as they really are...

You need to remember that lawsuits for sexual harassment at the workplace is something most bosses, regardless how shady and pervy they may be, fear quite a lot, because it happens more often than you know. This is why this man does everything he does a bit more subtly (even though he's not being subtle enough!) and doesn't come straight out and makes his intentions extremely obvious. This is what's confusing you, and since you don't have all that much life experience yet, and you also like him to boot, you are unable to see the bitter truth and still prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

His 'joking' is his way to see whether you will take his bait or not. He's testing the waters, to see what are the chances of you freaking out and slapping him with a sexual harassment lawsuit if he puts the heavy moves on you. It is also a strategy to get you, the young impressionable girl, more and more drawn to him, so eventually you throw yourself at him and he can be 100% secure he can have sex with you with no consequences.

 

The reality is that he put you in a horribly awkward position when he hinted at you two having spent the night together, and make no mistake, your coworkers do know what's going on and gossip about you. Heck, coworkers generally gossip about things that don't even exist, I've worked in offices where they made up stuff on a daily basis just so they had something to gossip about lol. Trust me girl...they know and they laugh behind your back. At this point, you already have enough ammunition to file a sexual harassment complaint against him, and while I don't suggest you go that far (although he more than deserves it), at least try to avoid all those situations where he can be close to you, and tell your coworkers that his advances are making you uncomfortable. You don't want to be the hoochy mama of the office, do you?

 

Stop making excuses for him. I really cringed when I read your post about his behavior, the guy is treading on very thin ice, and I advise you to stay away before everything starts crumbling. You're young and seem nice, I'm sure you have a bright future ahead of you, so don't ruin it by getting involved with this d*ck...he is really not worth it.

[Swanseagirl]

Hi again Greta,

 

I know what your saying but he seems flirty and if not slightly rude with the other older women in the office, they do it back. So I guess isn't this normal to him and he has no real interest in making any heavy move on me? Because of the way the others act about it makes me think maybe it's just harmless? Although he doesn't do all the stuff he does with me to them he does seemingly flirt and be kinda naughty in general x

[Deciduous]

Hi again Deci,

 

Thanks for your kind words, I know I have a crush on him and can admit that, the things that draw me in about him are that he is kind and caring he cares when I'm upset he offers support (and I'm having a very rough time at home at the moment) he's hard working and gets my sense of humour. I think that's why he kind of makes me feel safe, he's like a comfort because things are so bad for me at the moment. And although I shouldn't I want more of that. That's my honest answer I know people will judge me on that and say I'm a home wrecker or a niave idiot but it's the truth.

 

I posted here because I didn't know if what I was seeing/feeling from him was all in my head.

 

Hi Swansea,

 

I read this, above, and completely get where you are coming from, whereas I didn't before. So I apologise. I think we need to move away from judgements for a minute and telling you what to do, without completely understanding what you are going through. I can see that he is currently, your only (or strongest) means of emotional support, at a time when you are really struggling to come to terms with other things.

 

I would like to PM you if I may - or can continue on this thread if you prefer. One thing I want to get a sense of, is both your ages, if you don't mind me asking.

 

Decixxx

[Swanseagirl]

I was going to ask if it would be ok if we continued talking via DM so please do DM me I could use someone to talk to someone who can give good advice not judge and just generally help me and who I could maybe help too if needed x

[Swanseagirl]

Deci it says I don't have privledges to DM /(

[sara-pezzini]

Deci it says I don't have privledges to DM /(

you need a certain amount of posts to be able to pm no one knows exactly how much so i suggest you post some more, maybe help others in their threads and then soon you will be able to pm!

[Swanseagirl]

Thank you x

[Swanseagirl]

Arghhhhhhh this is driving me crazy!!

[Swanseagirl]

I dunno he's done some things today that make me think he doesn't like me like that at all

[sara-pezzini]

Maybe he isn't taking it seriously at all and he is just having fun with everyone and flirting a little to make the work day more fun. I have known guys who did that and thought it was harmless enough, which it is if everyone is on the same page, but not if someone sees more in those actions.

Btw you're giving good advice on here. Keep it up and hope pm will be enabled soon for you!

You seem like a very sweet and caring person and you deserve someone who isn't just playing around but sees you for you! X

[Swanseagirl]

Thank you, that means so much to me right now, so thank you honestly, I hope I can PM soon because I'm desperate for someone to talk to. Maybe he isn't interested, one day I think he is then I think he isn't. I just don't know and my whole life feels confusing right now. I really like him and it's so bad I know, but I can't help it and I feel sad when I think he doesn't want me now. I'm an idiot I know that

[mhowe]

Have you forgotten...he is married? Perhaps you should look for another job.

[sara-pezzini]

I have had a crush on a coworker before and he had a gf.he didn't flirt with me though but for me having him in my life the way he was, the crush i had on him it felt like a lifeline at the time and i know what that felt like for me to get that little bit of attention from him. It made my day and made my life better at the time, i didn't have anyone and i knew it wasn't real and i knew nothing would happen between us but it still meant a lot to me.

And i have a feeling this is the same for her so maybe a little more compassion would be best. She knows he is married and i have a feeling she doesn't want anything real with him either but it is more a fantasy, an escape and something she needs right now.

So yes OP i think i get where you're coming from..

She doesn't seem like a homewrecker at all so imo also doesn't really deserve the harsh comments.

Some people truly do but i don't feel that she does...

[Swanseagirl]

Please, as soon as I have my privileges can I PM you? Is that ok! X

[Swanseagirl]

Apparently need around 100 posts to PM and helping or trying to help others is taking my mind off my rubbish life lol