My Co-Worker

[Swanseagirl]

Maybe I should because honestly the need is overwhelming and yes I know I am stupid and clearly have something wrong with me for wanting a fling with this married man. Neve have I been this way before but lately my life is one big mess

[Sarah691607309662]

I have been there. So I understand.

 

They key here is NOT to think that he likes you. Sure he is attracted, flattered, ego boosting, but he does not really like you. He is attracted to his own virility and awesomness. He sees everything is fun. Fun ONLY. And the moment something serious will come up he will forget you in a blink of an eye! Never forget that. Do not allow yourself to buy into his happiness when he sees you. This is not a real "like you".

 

Right now you are looking into "he likes me" evidence. But there is evidence (I bet) that you do not want to look into which says "he does not care about me that much". Look into that evidence. Focus on it. Because that what will cool you down and will ground you. Face it - you are not going to be with him. Okay, imagine you slipped and you had sex. Next thing - he will get scared and disgusted that he did it because he will have a problem = he is married. Do you want to witness that mood? It would immediately stop being attraction and will turn into shame and regret. he will start avoiding you as a plaque. No, you can not allow that to happen. because if that hapens then you will learn FOR SURE that he never really liked you seriously.

[mhowe]

Maybe I should because honestly the need is overwhelming and yes I know I am stupid and clearly have something wrong with me for wanting a fling with this married man. Neve have I been this way before but lately my life is one big mess

 

At least you have finally dropped the pretense of "what is this" and admitted you want to have a fling. I think you need to look for another job.

[sara-pezzini]

Please, as soon as I have my privileges can I PM you? Is that ok! X

yes that's okay!

[Swanseagirl]

Hi Sarah,

 

No I don't want any of that your right, I don't want to do that and for him to change on me like the wind, it will make me feel useless and worthless and nothing positive will come of it. Your right I need to concentrate on the bits where i don't think he's that interested because you are right there are times where I'm sure he does like me (well have an interest like you said) and there's also times where I think he isn't at all bothered. He blows hot and cold and there's a pattern emerging at the start of the week he's cold by the end of the week he's hot and then of course this happens over and over again. I don't know why.

 

I have to focus on the fact he doesn't want me, doesn't like me, it's really hard to not like him and want him and his attention as pathetic as that sounds!

[Swanseagirl]

Thank you I'm still trying to work my way up on this site helping others so I should be able to PM soon x

[Swanseagirl]

I think your right mhowe, because I fail to see how this 'crush' will go away without me doing something stupid!

[Ronniesgirl]

'Maybe he isn't interested, one day I think he is then I think he isn't. '

 

__________________

 

Woman. It doesn't matter if he's interested or not. He is MARRIED. Are you serious????

[Swanseagirl]

Sorry I didn't mean to phrase it like that ronniesgirl

[Sarah691607309662]

Swanseagirl, the funny thing is that when I was going through similar experience, I had the same observation: he was cold in the beginning of the week and would get hot by the end.

 

It takes a hell of a ride with a person to start really trusting each other and in this situation when flirting is involved and marriage is involved and work is involved - it can be a true mess. I must say that real trust is much more valuable then a shaky affair. When both a man and a woman were tempted and went through emotionally charged situations and both resisted the temptation and still kept friendly connection...I think this is the best scenario. Because in this case attraction stays, respect is added, and there is also gratitude to self and to the other one. For not slipping, for holding it right. At least this is how I feel.

[greta96]

I think your right mhowe, because I fail to see how this 'crush' will go away without me doing something stupid!

 

You are planning to do something stupid with some other woman's *husband*! Seriously woman, get a grip of yourself! Do you not care about hurting a woman who hasn't done anything to you? Are you that selfish, mean and conniving? You want this idiot to want you? Why? What about being a free vagina to a cheater makes you feel good about yourself?

Ugh... it's because of people like you that innocent people get hurt. Disgusting. People like you make my blood boil.

[Swanseagirl]

There really is no need for nastiness. I actually said I will be looking for a new job BEFORE I do something stupid

[Swanseagirl]

Sarah, I would love to know your story of events x

[Sarah691607309662]

My story does not have much:

I liked my coworker. He seemed to like me. We did not do anything forbidden. We never talked about it. We never did anything slippery. We still work together. I am glad we kept respect for each other. Because he is very intelligent and he has certain qualities that I like in person. I would hate to ruin our r/s through affair.

[greta96]

I think your right mhowe, because I fail to see how this 'crush' will go away without me doing something stupid!

 

This is what I was referring to. You clearly state that you don't think your crush will go away without you doing something stupid (aka sex cause what else would he want from you?). Yeah, there is need for nastiness, most people come on this forum because of others like you, who have nothing better to do than mess with and ruin their relationships, just because they feel like it. You keep dwelling on whether he likes you or not and what his every gesture means, but I don't see the fact that he's married having much weight on your agenda. Whatever...to each his own I guess.

[sara-pezzini]

i have to agree with greta, which is also why i didn't want to pm after all because i have zero sympathy for someone who goes after someone else's husband, so i think you should really think about what you are doing here, and where are your morals? don't you think at all about his wife? or your own BF for that matter? (i read that in another post of you that you have a BF) so where i thought you were sweet and caring, i now really don't understand your motives.

the question isn't if he likes you, that is unimportant, he is married you have a BF, stay away!

what if you were married, loved your husband and someone else went after him? karma is funny like that so i would never go there....i think there are very few women who would be sympathetic to those kind of thing, it is one thing to have a crush on a married man but it is a whole different thing to actually want to act on it.....

[Sarah691607309662]

I would say there are two types of married men: Good Guy and Flaky Guy. You can seduce both. When you seduce, it is NOT about your irresistability, it is about yielding to temptation. When someone on the diet and you put a piece of chocolate in front of this person day after day, it is only the matter of time when this person consume the chocolate. No matter how a guy loves his wife he knows - everything else is forbidden. And that alone creates this temptation. Like a diet creates a temptation for a chocolate.

 

This diet might be very good for your health, well being. You love your diet. It is your choice. But STILL you will crave things that are not good for you but appear to be delicious. You might devour this chocolate and feel like piece of crap after. This is pretty much how affair works.

 

However there is one important aspect. If you seduce a Flaky Guy, it might not be such a bog deal, because Flaky Guy usually has a pattern of straying from his marriage and you will be not the first and definitely not the last. Also, usually it is a Flaky Guy who does the whole seduction thing. If you go with that, he will have sex with you without really liking you, without actually noticing who you really are. If you try to establish some friendship with him, some r/s of care, he will recoil in disgust - the last thing he needs is complication. he will toss you like a hot potato pretty soon if you will show him that you expect something other than shagging. You will not feel glorious after all that. It is usually obvious that he is Flaky and it is not that attractive... So only certain type of women fall for that type.

 

If you seduce a Good Guy... I believe it is here where karma comes in action. Look, if you really like a man... besides just physically... besides that you like the fact that he likes you....would you want this man to experience shame and regret because of you????? would you want him to suffer? Because a Good Guy will suffer and will be ashamed and horrified and he will be all torn and upset if he will yield to temptation. His infatuation with you will end the moment he will realize what did he do. You will become his enemy#1. Do you want to play this role?

 

Now, if you just innocently enjoying man's attentions and basking in him liking you.... It means you are giving away to him YOUR personal power. You are putting your self worth into his hands. It is wrong. It will kill your self-esteem. Step by step. Day by day. Today he will be in the mood and he will shower you with signs of his attrction. You will close this forum and will be on the cloud nine. Tomorrow he will be not in the mood and he will barely pay any attention to you and you will be heartbroken and suffering. In reality you just gave him your personal power. Power of self definition. Take it back! Start something new in your life that will give you a sense of self worth. Train yourself to be happy without a man.

 

I see your motto in the end of your posts and it makes me sad. All I want is to be happy, it feels it is too much too ask! - Please, prove yourself wrong. It is not too much to ask. Just do not try to be happy by giving your personal power to another person, whether this person a man or a woman, married or single. Take it back. it might seem that you are powerless to make yourself happy. This is wrong. Just spend time trying. Make one step in that direction. You have plenty of time. This man is married and he is not going anywhere. Leave him alone. Focus on YOU. Think what would you like to accomplish?

 

Personally I went to hot yoga. I used to take these classes in the past. I LOVE physical activity. I took 30 day challenge doing 30 classes in 30 days. I felt like million bucks. 30 days and I became my own person. My annoying crush and flimsiness of it went away. I gained my balance. My respect through exercising my strength, my focus, my determination that has nothing to do with another person. People started to call me beautiful. I feel respect to myself and this feeling is so sweet, so right, so much better than a hurried flimsy, sweaty adrenaline rush of a desire to receive instant gratification by ruining somebody else's life. Think of it......

[itsallgrand]

I think if you respect yourself, and you respect men, you won't be going around trying to seduce married dudes. Simple.

I don't think OP is even trying to seduce him, she is being seduced, and she likes it. She's worried it won't continue. Then how will she feel good about herself?

 

And Sarah's suggestions for focusing on yourself were good.

 

I'd take it one step further though....something in you, whether you feel crappy about yourself or not, can stop you from getting sucked into situations like this. Some might call it morals, I just call it good sense.

[Andrina]

Basically, if his wife was in the room, would he speak and behave to other women like this? He wouldn't, which means he's crossing boundaries. These are his poor ethics. Let's say he divorced his wife and dated you. Would he all of a sudden turn into a man who didn't flirt with other women, or brush up against them, or badmouth his new squeeze? No, he would not turn into a mature, loving partner who knows how to make the main woman in his life his only romantic priority. You have blinders on. Picture his poor wife, greeting him at home and giving him all of his love when he goes around disrespecting her at his workplace. What did I do at work with someone like this? The workplace flirt started on me when I transferred in. One day I asked him, "Are you married?" He said, "No, I'm divorced." I said, "Well, I'm married and just so you know, I don't mess around." He later did get married, and he asked my friend, "So, when are you going on a picnic with me?" She said, "I'm not going on a picnic with you." He asked, "Why not?" She said, "Because you're married." That's the way you speak to a player when you have standards and don't want to be played with like a cat batting around a toy. If you're in an emotional mess right now, concentrate on yourself, by yourself. Go to a therapist. Read some self help books. When you get to a point where you feel good about yourself, you won't accept toxic people in your life.

[person100]

Hi Swanseagirl,

 

When you have PM enabled, please feel free to send me a message. I am also in love with my co worker. He's not my boss, but a co worker nonetheless...these situations and feelings can be very complex so I completely understand what you are going through.

[greta96]

Hi Swanseagirl,

 

When you have PM enabled, please feel free to send me a message. I am also in love with my co worker. He's not my boss, but a co worker nonetheless...these situations and feelings can be very complex so I completely understand what you are going through.

 

Oh, is that coworker of yours married too? Because otherwise I don't think you can understand what she's going through and sympathize, you did read that she's thinking of cheating on her own boyfriend with this married guy right?

Enabling someone like her will not do her any favors. Or you for that matter, since next time she wants to take someone's man, it could be yours! See how sympathetic you'll be then.

[person100]

No. He's not married whatsoever. I'm not looking for a lecture or to enable. Just to provide support.

[Capricorn3]

Just to provide support.

WHY would you support someone who is already in a relationship and planning to mess with a married man? You don't see anything wrong with any of this? Seriously?

[greta96]

No. He's not married whatsoever. I'm not looking for a lecture or to enable. Just to provide support.

 

But she's a cheater herself who's itching to have sex with a married man. So by giving her support, you are enabling cheating, which tells me lots about you too.

Listen, I know crushes happen, and sometimes they happen with married people. But it only takes an ounce of common sense and moral compass to tell yourself it's just a crush that will go away, and keep it at that. This woman is going nuts about this married man, and feels she won't be able to calm down the ants in her pants unless she has sex with him. While cheating on her own boyfriend.

This is what you're supporting. And later on, when you're married and think your life is peachy, she or another woman like her may get the hots for your own husband, are you going to support that as well?

[chickadeedee]

Oh, this story is as old as the hills. Bored older married guy who loves his wife and family just fine gets a position of authority in a work situation and realizes that there are silly young girls who will think he is something special because he's got a job higher up at the company and they're the type who are naive and/or looking for a Daddy figure.

 

So the guy runs amok at the office, flirting and holding court at the office as his personal stomping ground/bar without liquor/dance floor without dancing to strut his stuff and puff up his chest and flirt and tease and stimulate himself and stroke his own ego by flirting and toying with everyone in his path. He's someone who enjoys attention and has discovered the day goes a lot faster if he focuses on flirting it up rather than just boring old work.

 

He may or may not actually want to have sex with the women he works with, depending on how cautious he is, how much he wants/needs his job, how risky he perceives an affair with a co-worker to be to his job and marriage. Some of these guys are all talk, but some of them prowl the office like a hungry tiger looking for the next silly young girl who will fall for their nonsense and agree to sneak off and bang them on their lunch hours and out of town on business trips where the married man feels safe his wife won't every find out and he can just lie and say 'she's just someone i work with' if ever any rumors float about a potential affair into the wife's sphere.

 

And what happens if it gets too hot to handle or a higher ups decide the strutting peacock is being too blatant and might trigger some kind of sexual harassment/hostile workplace lawsuit? The guy gets called in, his wrists get slapped (naughty, NAUGHTY boy, leave the pretty young things alone or we'll have to spank you!) and the young girl becomes the laughing stock of the office that no one takes her or her career seriously, and she will get bounced out and laid off at the first opportunity to unload her because they want that messy business out of the office because it has become too blatant/disruptive. Meanwhile the guy continues to strut like a peacock because he's proud to have everyone think he's so hot and he's still got it becaues he can score these silly young girls with ease. And he's so important to the company all he gets is a slap on the wrist while when she become inconvenient to him (expects too much, becomes too moony over him), and the company will find a way to bounce her out/marginalize her and her career/transfer her to Katmandu to cool things off and get rid of her, while he eagerly awaits the next silly young replacement to get hired while telling himself, 'next time i'll be more cautious so that i can play for longer before it gets out of hand'.

 

So the OP will become a laughing stock, joke, a source of pity, a source of ridicule, a source of disgust, considered a woman of loose morals to be avoided, an inconvenience, a persona non grata etc. at the office. The older married guy meanwhile will just continue to strut his stuff, happy as can be, all chuffed up because he's in power, he's in control, and he's the office stud with a revolving door of silly young things to play with and amuse himself with.