The Disappearing Act

[akrngrl]

When 'fellas "disappear" is it more common for them to do it painfully slowly or all at once?

 

Saw a guy for about five weeks, conversation was 24/7 at first and then died down (which is understandable). Went one one date every weekend, but it was pretty extensive 8-10 hours (we're an hour apart). The last time we got together was when he had me sleep over, which I did, but declined sex initially that night. The next morning however I "gave in" so to speak. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great. Figured that he'd at least be different the rest of the time we were together if he didn't enjoy it/it wasn't what he wanted (I stayed for about another hour or two). He wound up finding a bobby pin in his bed that wasn't mine and I sort of went off on him about it (because that's disgusting at least change your sheets between girls!) He didn't make an effort to deny it, but he did say that "He hadn't had anyone over that week" (I'm not sure if that makes it worse or better since he clearly hadn't changed his sheets in that long). So I figured then he'd REALLY be standoffish or something because after that I was like "Yeah I should probably go" and got up to get ready to leave. Nope. He carried my bags to my car, kissed me in the parking garage (an actual kiss, not even a peck "okay bye" kiss), and told me to text him about how my family was doing (they were coming for Easter). I didn't immediately, so about 3 hours later he starts texting me about them/that he was leaving to go home (it was Easter)/sending pictures of him and the dog in the car, etc. So I'm thinking a. It wasn't that bad for him I guess (he had said he needed a lot of sexual chemistry between him and another person) and b. I needed to explain my stance on the next date and either become exclusive where we don't date other people OR go our separate ways.

 

That Sunday I get a text late that he forgot his phone charger and then a weird text message from him and then nothing else. Figured it was Easter and whatever. All last week I got 1-9 texts from him (which is nothing in comparison to what it was), none of them were relevant (Out of no where he'd text me "MROWWW" and any time I asked him a question about his day or weekend it went unanswered) and was really beginning to wonder what was up. WHY bother being polite and texting me so much after we hooked up if all he wanted was sex? Then why bother texting me irrelevant text messages during the week? If you want to disappear, fine, but good lord just leave. He hasn't texted me since last Thursday, but now the second I post a picture on Facebook (of myself or some stuff I'm working on for a consignment shop) he likes it.

 

We HAD tentative date plans for THIS upcoming weekend that we made the last time we hung out (To go see a movie that we had been waiting to come out), but I'm assuming thats off the table given recent events.

 

My friends told me that his actions are that I'm on the back burner, that this is his way of saying "Hey still here in case I need ya" and it isn't the last I've heard from him, but any time he likes something on Facebook or Instagram it just makes me think that there is still a "chance" that probably doesn't actually exist AND it also makes me want to initiate a text message, which I've only done all of two times in the duration that I've known him, and I worry that I'll look desperate. He's still on the dating sight 24/7 and OKC never fails to let me know he's my "highest match". He's also friended two other girls whom I'm pretty sure are off there recently, which again leads me to believe my friends are just being polite and he has completely moved on.

 

I realize I shouldn't care, he obviously sucks, and isn't for me and who wants a guy that's going to act like this. At first I was more than okay to let it go, but now that I just want to address it in some way.

[missmarple]

I don't see any issue that needs to be 'addressed'. He's obviously not interested in anything serious with you (being on the dating site 24/7 should have been your clue) and your friends are right. I would totally block him if I were you.

[Willywagtail]

This is the sort of thing that happens on dating sites. Too much choice!

 

He's sussed you out, quite liked you and wants to keep you in the picture, but he's not interested in taking it further. He's keeping his options open. At least for now - unless he finds nothing better than you.

 

I don't think you need to do anything, except ignore him and block him. That's much better than actually saying anything, and sends a much stronger message. You are addressing it by totally ignoring him.

[poppy1793]

Weird. Was the sex good for you? Do you actually like him? Because it really doesn't seem like it! You seem to be bothered by the fact that he's not completely gone, but I'm not sure you actually want to be with the guy. Just let him be weird, find someone else, he seems lame.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think it is an issue of too much choice. I think the sex wasn't great for either of you and between bad sex and you going off on him, he lost interest in anything serious. That's very different from just wanting sex to me. I do agree that he is probably keeping you on the back burner in.case nothing better comes around.

[fifregister]

Ohhh boy. Yeah this is kind of an age old story. It seems that the relationship has run its course. He might've even been sleeping with others in the five weeks that you were dating.

 

I know it really blows, but the only thing is to block him off of the dating site and unfriend on Facebook and move on. Otherwise you will continue to torture yourself with being mad and feeling unfairly treated.

[akrngrl]

Weird. Was the sex good for you? Do you actually like him? Because it really doesn't seem like it! You seem to be bothered by the fact that he's not completely gone, but I'm not sure you actually want to be with the guy. Just let him be weird, find someone else, he seems lame.

 

I have the tendency to build things up in my head like "oh god what if he's fabulous in bed, it could be the best sex ever". It was good, but t was still that awkward first time where you're just like "ugh it was nice, but it could have gone better".

 

I did/do like him a lot, but I have my guard up. I don't want to be that girl he ditched and came back for because he thought he could do better because I feel like a successful relationship wouldn't start out that way.

 

unfortunately I feel like I'm too old to be this new at this kind of dating (not being exclusive after a handful of dates). Guys in the past have always been up front with their feelings and I'm mostly the girl that waits for things to at least be semi-serious before hopping into bed. I'm clearly trying a new angle and failing miserably I feel haha.

 

There were some red flags, we often had the same convo numerous times and it was because he was talking to so many girls he forgot what conversations he had with who. There was also the issue of him being perfect when we were together, but not going that extra mile when we weren't to make me feel valued ( which I didn't fault him for because we weren't exclusive and Id imagine it's hard to play the doting BF role to every girl you're seeing/talking to. I figured he'd step it up if/when we became exclusive)

 

We both really seemed to enjoy each other's company though and being that I apparently was the only girl at the time he'd gone on more than one date with I guess I felt like he could have given me a heads up if this was no longer something he was into.

[Batya33]

I don't think it is an issue of too much choice. I think the sex wasn't great for either of you and between bad sex and you going off on him, he lost interest in anything serious. That's very different from just wanting sex to me. I do agree that he is probably keeping you on the back burner in.case nothing better comes around.

 

I agree with this. And by the way I have changed my sheets and not seen that there was a sock or something else under the sheet until the next sheet change. Things can get moved around or go unnoticed.

 

I do think it's fine if he just wanted sex because you never insisted on being exclusive or even monogamous before having sex. For all he knew you were fine with casual dating and eventually casual sex. If that's not ok with you have the convo before you have sex and when you're fully clothed/sober.

 

It would be nicer on his part to be more up front with you since you did date for 5 weeks but he might have been really put off by your outburst -so I would cut him some slack.

[akrngrl]

I feel like I should clarify my "outburst". It was more him picking it up and showing it to me and me being like "uhmmm that's not MY bobby pin!" And him not making a huge effort to deny anything. He also fessed up that he hadn't changed his sheets in like four weeks.

 

I did mention that I usually didn't do anything until I was exclusive and he had said that he needed a "great deal" of hooking up to make sure he was sexually compatible with someone before he would ever be committed. That was on like date 2 and I cut him some slack because I have been in relationships where it was awful and I didn't feel like I could end it just for that, but he never defined what a "great deal" was so perhaps I should have honed in and made him clarify. at the time I didn't want to seem like it was trapping him.

[mhowe]

Here's the thing --- he wasn't your bf....so he wasn't even trying to play "doting bf". He was clearly bedding other women and you were part of the rotation.

 

I think you going off on him and medicore sex sealed the deal and he is taking a pass.

[Misskitty16]

They rarely, if ever, will give you a "head's up" in my experience. They just fall of the grid, which is what he did if you have not heard from him since Thursday. I don't know if it is because they don't want to hurt you, want to keep you in the backround so they won't come right and tell you it's done, or if they just want to avoid any confrontation altogether, or all of the above. But please don't beat yourself up - he could have still done this even if the sex had been phenomenal - it's not like people haven't ditched people they had great sex with - they have. As far as the red flags you mention, it is easy to overlook them when we like someone. Be gentle with yourself, this happens. I just hope if he contacts you down the road, you will be wise not to see him again as he will only hurt you.

[fifregister]

Yeah this is basically dating protocol in the early stages. Horrible when you're on the receiving end.

[akrngrl]

Yeah no I won't see him again. I feel like it sounds stuck up by I always refer to it as "I'm not the sampler at Friday's, I'm the main course. If you pass me up the first time there is no coming back around, my body and feelings aren't a buffet you can come back to."

 

I'm just stumbling around I guess because I feel like on the one hand so many posts and stories I hear are "you're crazy if you want exclusivity this soon/he doesn't owe you anything/you're going to scare him away by being needy/wanting more so early on" etc. and then on the other hand when you play it cool you end up not defining your boundaries and getting hurt/they take it as casual dating or whatever it is.

[fifregister]

Yeah no I won't see him again. I feel like it sounds stuck up by I always refer to it as "I'm not the sampler at Friday's, I'm the main course. If you pass me up the first time there is no coming back around, my body and feelings aren't a buffet you can come back to."

 

I'm just stumbling around I guess because I feel like on the one hand so many posts and stories I hear are "you're crazy if you want exclusivity this soon/he doesn't owe you anything/you're going to scare him away by being needy/wanting more so early on" etc. and then on the other hand when you play it cool you end up not defining your boundaries and getting hurt/they take it as casual dating or whatever it is.

 

As long as you're acting authentically you shouldn't look back and blame yourself. It's natural to want a close lasting long term relationship and hope that things will work out. Unfortunately with dating 99% of the people won't be right for us. You took a chance and it didn't work out. Whatever "strategy" you employ, you can't look back and second guess. You did your best and learned from it.

[Batya33]

Yeah no I won't see him again. I feel like it sounds stuck up by I always refer to it as "I'm not the sampler at Friday's, I'm the main course. If you pass me up the first time there is no coming back around, my body and feelings aren't a buffet you can come back to."

 

I'm just stumbling around I guess because I feel like on the one hand so many posts and stories I hear are "you're crazy if you want exclusivity this soon/he doesn't owe you anything/you're going to scare him away by being needy/wanting more so early on" etc. and then on the other hand when you play it cool you end up not defining your boundaries and getting hurt/they take it as casual dating or whatever it is.

 

Then have better boundaries -for you- early on. Take things at a reasonable pace, perhaps hold off on having sex until you are exclusive. Find out the person's general goals early on so at least you know he is looking, in general, for a serious relationship.

[reinventmyself]

Weird. Was the sex good for you? Do you actually like him? Because it really doesn't seem like it! You seem to be bothered by the fact that he's not completely gone, but I'm not sure you actually want to be with the guy. Just let him be weird, find someone else, he seems lame.

 

 

This was my take on it . .You didn't seem terribly impressed and then annoyed with the bobbypin debacle. I would be too. . But if you only have a half hearted interest then who cares what he does?

[Misskitty16]

Yeah no I won't see him again. I feel like it sounds stuck up by I always refer to it as "I'm not the sampler at Friday's, I'm the main course. If you pass me up the first time there is no coming back around, my body and feelings aren't a buffet you can come back to."

 

I'm just stumbling around I guess because I feel like on the one hand so many posts and stories I hear are "you're crazy if you want exclusivity this soon/he doesn't owe you anything/you're going to scare him away by being needy/wanting more so early on" etc. and then on the other hand when you play it cool you end up not defining your boundaries and getting hurt/they take it as casual dating or whatever it is.

 

I have never agreed that there is a set time frame for sleeping together or exclusivity. I have known couples who got married after dating only a few months, and others who never married and were exclusive for years. Don't feel foolish for that - it does not make you crazy. But boundaries are important because too much neediness will scare them off. I think balance is key - not necessarily a specific time frame.

 

I think your motto of not seeing someone after they have left you is a wise one, not arrogant at all.

[Batya33]

I have never agreed that there is a set time frame for sleeping together or exclusivity. I have known couples who got married after dating only a few months, and others who never married and were exclusive for years. Don't feel foolish for that - it does not make you crazy. But boundaries are important because too much neediness will scare them off. I think balance is key - not necessarily a specific time frame.

 

I think your motto of not seeing someone after they have left you is a wise one, not arrogant at all.

 

Of course there's no set time frame because not everyone reacts to sex in the same way. I think there's typically a much higher risk of a budding relationship not working out when the people decide to have sex right away - if the sex isn't great the first time there's no real foundation of friendship/connection to get past that (as compared to waiting), one person might have unspoken expectations which he/she might have felt more comfortable sharing later on (obviously then it's not the other person's fault but the resulting situation might be too much for a new dating relationship) and of course accidental pregnancy is much worse all else equal if it happens early on.

 

I've seen happy marriages resulting from sex happening on the first date or the first time they met and from waiting and everything in between. Almost every single time I've heard a woman complain that a man "used" her or is a jerk in some way is when she had sex early on in the dating relationship and was dishonest with herself about her expectations or resulting level of attachment. If that happens a few times the result is often a jaded and cynical person -harming future relationships.

[LoveSoDeep]

This whole exclusivity before sex is just a big mess right now. In my opinion.

 

I feel like so many women want it to be that way, but not a lot of guys are supportive of it. Sure there are guys out there who are fine with it, but most guys say sex is such an important part of relationship that they aren't going to commit before they see how it's going to be. It's not that they don't want a relationship...but they won't settle for one without good sex (what I'm not sure they realize is sex can and does get better if you work at it...maybe they just don't want to do the work). Maybe they think we're trapping them by saying we won't have sex until we're exclusive....and well that thought process isn't without merit. I think making sex a turning point in the relationship is not such a great idea....but I think that is what this mindset does.

Disclaimer This is only my OPINION. I know I have generalized here and I also know that none of what I said will be true for every human on planet earth.

[Batya33]

I almost never conditioned exclusivity on sex because we waited longer than that to have sex -we were typically exclusive within the first 6 weeks, months before we had sex. I thought sexual compatibility was essential and felt it was very important to make sure we had chemistry, passion and enjoyed being affectionate, romantic and sexual without having actual sex. I wasn't into "test driving" for sexual compatibility by having intercourse and I wouldn't have dated someone who had such extreme sexual requirements or fetishes such that he would have had to test me out by having intercourse. I also was not interested in someone who didn't see the value in continuing to communicate and work on improving sex -it can always get better!

 

The two times I had to condition sex on being exclusive were the two times the guy wasn't that into me in the first place. Dodged a bullet with one, but unfortunately, regretfully, not with the other although we ended up dating for 5 months, 3 of those exclusive.

 

I am not a fan of a woman conditioning sex on exclusivity but fully understand when any person insists on sexual monogamy because of STDs.

 

I completely understand it's an individual thing which is what I wrote above. As I wrote I really cannot relate to women who choose to have casual sex and then when it doesn't become a relationship or even a continued dating relationship somehow blame the guy for "using" them. I'm sure casual sex can be fantastic for two single, consenting adults who are into that sort of thing.

[Misskitty16]

I totally get this and often wonder about it. Rarely, do I sleep with someone in the first few dates. I also get blown off a lot after the first few dates and find myself wondering if maybe the last guy I liked would have continued to date me had I slept with him.

 

IMO, it doesn't matter how early on you have sex. I am speaking only in terms of progression of a relationship, not other consequences that might result such as STD's or pregnancy.

[Batya33]

I totally get this and often wonder about it. Rarely, do I sleep with someone in the first few dates. I also get blown off a lot after the first few dates and find myself wondering if maybe the last guy I liked would have continued to date me had I slept with him.

 

IMO, it doesn't matter how early on you have sex. I am speaking only in terms of progression of a relationship, not other consequences that might result such as STD's or pregnancy.

 

I've seen it far differently over many years and with many many couples and sex partners as to how a relationship progresses. So obvious to me that so many potential relationships were sabotaged because of having sex too soon.

[Sportster2005]

The answer is, it doesn't matter. If someone is treating you like crap, you take the initiative and dump them extreme prejudice.

[Batya33]

The answer is, it doesn't matter. If someone is treating you like crap, you take the initiative and dump them extreme prejudice.

 

Completely agree. In this situation the OP chose to be very confrontational over whether there was evidence that he was sleeping with someone else and whether he had changed the sheets before having sex with her even though they had no understanding about monogamy or exclusivity. That's not treating him like crap but since they're still basically at first impression stage that kind of outburst can make or break at that stage of things.

 

I do think whether or not they had sex he still should talk with her about whether they're going to continue dating, given how many times they've gone out. He should not just disappear.

[Misskitty16]

Disappearing is just the way it's done. I have very rarely had a man tell me straight up that he is no longer interested or has met someone else.