The Disappearing Act

[Batya33]

I don't think all disappearances should be treated equal. I think silence after a first meet or one or two dates simply means lack of interest, and silence after 4-5 dates is usually thoughtless or rude with exceptions.

[Misskitty16]

I don't think all disappearances should be treated equal. I think silence after a first meet or one or two dates simply means lack of interest, and silence after 4-5 dates is usually thoughtless or rude with exceptions.

 

Yes, we get that silence after one or two dates means he is a great guy, and no one has any right to feel hurt, whatsoever. But after a few weeks, it makes someone rude.

 

But OP needs to understand that this is not a reflection on her, but all too often the way it is done. No one deserves that kind of treatment after going out with someone for weeks.

[fifregister]

I've had guys disappear after 5-6 dates with NO warnings either. They just stopped texting and making plans. And...I guess I've done the same. It's just the circle of dating. It REALLY sucks when it happens being on the receiving end of the pain, because it kills our hopes and fantasies and blows our egos out of the water and we're left picking up the pieces on this forum, lol.

 

There's a famous Taoist teaching about an empty boat that rams into your boat in the middle of a river. While you probably wouldn’t be angry at an empty boat, you might well become enraged if someone were at its helm.

 

The point of the story is that all people who let us down – are all in fact empty, rudderless boats. They were compulsively driven to act as they did by their own unexamined wounds, therefore they did not know what they were doing and had little control over it. Sometimes WE are the rudderless boat and are not so conscious of our behaviors on others (like slinking away and giving someone the silent treatment) but it's not like we're malicious beings either.

[Misskitty16]

I agree with all of this. Very rarely, is it from malice. But it is still hurtful, especially in a case such as OP where you have spent a significant amount of time together. Like you said, it is just the cycle of dating. That is all I was trying to point out - I wasn't by any means trying to trivialize OP's situation, but simply point out that it is how it's done - whether you had five dates or five months of dates.

[Batya33]

Yes, we get that silence after one or two dates means he is a great guy, and no one has any right to feel hurt, whatsoever. But after a few weeks, it makes someone rude.

 

But OP needs to understand that this is not a reflection on her, but all too often the way it is done. No one deserves that kind of treatment after going out with someone for weeks.

 

I don't think it should ever be taken personally unless something specific happened. I don't think silence after one or two dates means he is a great guy. It just means he is not interested and therefore no need to contact. No slinking and no "silent treatment".

[Misskitty16]

I don't think it should ever be taken personally unless something specific happened. I don't think silence after one or two dates means he is a great guy. It just means he is not interested and therefore no need to contact. No slinking and no "silent treatment".

 

I don't disagree. But I wasn't trying to minimize OP's situation - she deserved more.

 

Not sure about the "not taking it personally" part, however. It is hard to not take it personally if someone decides after one or two dates they are not interested. By dating you for several weeks or months, you know they cared. At least initially. I don't know if too many people would spend that amount of time with someone they had no feelings for.

[Batya33]

I meant not to take it personally as in after a few dates it is likely nothing you did and in longer dating relationships if there is a lack of chemistry or spark that's also not something to take personally -it just didn't work well with that particular person.

 

I did end things with certain people for personal reasons -something offensive the person did for example or discovering a disorder a person had. When I ended my 7 year on again off again relationship it was because I finally had to admit he wasn't right for me despite believing him to be a wonderful person. We both felt awful and maybe he felt rejected but no it was nothing personally wrong with him.

[Misskitty16]

I meant not to take it personally as in after a few dates it is likely nothing you did and in longer dating relationships if there is a lack of chemistry or spark that's also not something to take personally -it just didn't work well with that particular person.

 

I did end things with certain people for personal reasons -something offensive the person did for example or discovering a disorder a person had. When I ended my 7 year on again off again relationship it was because I finally had to admit he wasn't right for me despite believing him to be a wonderful person. We both felt awful and maybe he felt rejected but no it was nothing personally wrong with him.

 

After 7 years, that must have been very difficult, I can only imagine. I do see what you are saying. But I think even for someone to date you even for a few weeks, there must be something special they see in you. Maybe I am naïve, but it just seems that few people would want to spend valuable time with someone just for sex - most of us can get sex without playing people, I think.

 

I think is someone just wants to hook up, they probably will not want to pursue that with someone they know wants more. Perhaps if they are incredibly selfish or having trouble getting sex.

[Batya33]

After 7 years, that must have been very difficult, I can only imagine. I do see what you are saying. But I think even for someone to date you even for a few weeks, there must be something special they see in you. Maybe I am naïve, but it just seems that few people would want to spend valuable time with someone just for sex - most of us can get sex without playing people, I think.

 

I think is someone just wants to hook up, they probably will not want to pursue that with someone they know wants more. Perhaps if they are incredibly selfish or having trouble getting sex.

 

Yes I agree with you and if on getting to know the person the person realizes that this person is not a good fit then it's appropriate to end it even if (as I did many many times) they would love to find a good fit for that person if that person was interested.

 

I think too often women (especially women) pretend they are fine with something casual even if they are not so they go with guys who just want a sex partner and then get upset when the guy doesn't want more.

[Misskitty16]

Yes I agree with you and if on getting to know the person the person realizes that this person is not a good fit then it's appropriate to end it even if (as I did many many times) they would love to find a good fit for that person if that person was interested.

 

I think too often women (especially women) pretend they are fine with something casual even if they are not so they go with guys who just want a sex partner and then get upset when the guy doesn't want more.

 

 

Agreed. But I think both scenerios often end the same way - with the guy going silent. I realize there will be exceptions, and I feel that the longer you have been with someone, the more respect you deserve when parting, but sadly - I don't think that is the norm.

[Batya33]

Agreed. But I think both scenerios often end the same way - with the guy going silent. I realize there will be exceptions, and I feel that the longer you have been with someone, the more respect you deserve when parting, but sadly - I don't think that is the norm.

 

I think everyone deserves respect including strangers. I did not feel disrespected by silence after only a few dates. I think the longer the relationship the more it deserves to have a back and forth interaction about why it might not be working out.

[Misskitty16]

I think everyone deserves respect including strangers. I did not feel disrespected by silence after only a few dates. I think the longer the relationship the more it deserves to have a back and forth interaction about why it might not be working out.

 

Absolutely.

[akrngrl]

[/b]

 

Absolutely.

 

Thank you! That's mostly what I was wondering, if radio silence after five dates was rude or if that's just the way it was. I couldn't imagine why he'd have wanted to spend all that time with me if he didn't see something (at least initially). All of our dates (up until the last two) were planned for the next weekend at the conclusion of the current date. I guess that also didn't help my reading into things (I thought "Wow, he's willing to book up next weekend already and even though he's on OKC he's still making the commitment to me way in advance").

 

I knew I wouldn't be okay with something casual, kind of said my piece about it, but I guess I still jumped too soon (thinking that the fun we had and the lengthy, early-on planned dates meant more than it really did).

 

I know every situation is different, but I'm just really trying to get some ground work for the next time around so I don't find myself in the same/similar position.

[Misskitty16]

Those were all signs of someone that is interested. Men who don't care or just want to hook up don't plan dates, especially at the end of one. They ask to get together at the last minute.

[chickadeedee]

>>feel like on the one hand so many posts and stories I hear are "you're crazy if you want exclusivity this soon/he doesn't owe you anything/you're going to scare him away by being needy/wanting more so early on" etc. and then on the other hand when you play it cool you end up not defining your boundaries and getting hurt/they take it as casual dating or whatever it is

 

I think the most important thing in dating is keeping a very clear idea in the forefront of who you are and what it is you want out of dating and sticking to it.

 

So if what you want is a relationship and not just FWB and casual sex, then (a) don't put yourself in situations where sex will occur/be expected before you determine whether the other person is interested in the same type of relationship as you are and (b) make your goals clear that you don't sleep with anyone who is still sleeping with or dating other people for health reasons and so you don't get in too deep emotionally with someone who is still seeing other people.

 

Agreeing to be exclusive is NOT the same thing as agreeing to get engaged or married, and people who carry on about it or won't agree to it are really just trying to keep their options open or find a FWB. So you can agree to NOT be exclusive, but also to NOT have sex until the other person decides they like you enough to be exclusive and really give the relationship a shot and a chance to develop in ways it wouldn't if you're multi-dating.

 

And it wouldn't kill a guy to be exclusive with you for a few months until he decides whether he likes you enough to continue, or it is time to go find someone else.

 

So it's simple. He doesn't want to be exclusive then don't have sex with him. If he wants to 'explore' you more and NOT be exclusive, then you can date, but not sleep together. But if he wants to explore your vagina, then he shouldn't be exploring anyone else's.

 

I have never in my life multi-dated for health and common sense reasons. I'm not after casual sex or a FWB situation, and if refusing to have sex with someone who is banging other women 'excludes' me in some guy's eyes, then good riddance, i don't want a guy whose main goal is banging a lot of women and hooking up in FWB situations. It doesn't mean i expect him to be super serious too soon (in fact i avoid that too because i want to make sure I know him well before a REAL commitment), but if he can't agree to focus on dating only me long enough to determine whether we are right for each other or not, then he's not worth having in my book because I am not interested in men who are banging and running around with a lot of other women.

[Batya33]

I always multidated because I wanted to get married and did not want to limit my options too quickly especially in my 30s. I never had casual sex and I rarely had a problem with men not being ok with that. When I did that usually happened early on in dating and then we simply stopped dating.

[reinventmyself]

In these situations I often think of the really nice men I had the honor of having a few dates with and for a variety of reasons and some I can't even explain, they weren't the `one'

 

It didn't take anything away from who they were and they likely went on the find a better suited person for themselves and lived happily ever after. It doesn't really occur to me that I may have made them feel less-than because of my silence, but I may be incorrect.

 

So when I don't hear from a man after a date or two I stop and think of the nice guys I have dated and wrap my head around the idea that the guy I may have liked - that went silent for whatever reason - doesn't take anything away from me.

 

(sometimes this help. . but not every time : )

[Misskitty16]

But I agree with the point you are trying to make - we have all done this, so we can't take it personally when it is done to us. I just think after going out with someone for weeks, she deserved better. The Disappearing Act should be reserved for the first few dates.

[Fixee]

I have nothing intelligent to add to this conversation but I did just go change my sheets.

[leseine7]

I haven't read all the responses to this thread yet, so forgive me if any more has happened to alter circumstances or whatever.

 

This is a huge issue with dating, I'm finding. Reading your post, all I could think was 'Why the **** would she want to continue dating him after the bobbi pin episode?' You were right to go off on him. That IS really disgusting. But you continue to say 'why would he act this way or that if he wasn't interested?'

 

I have been dedicating so much time over the last few months trying to heal from multiple degrading dating experiences, and that mindset - the 'how does HEEEEE feel about MEEEE, why is HEEEEE doing this - what does it mean about himmmm?!??!" mindset, kept me locked into situations I reallyyyyy should have bailed on earlier.

 

Do you really need to care about what you are to him? Is that going to make you feel better? Do YOU want to date this guy? You seem a million times classier, for one thing. We can all analyze his actions as much as we want, but here's my analysis: you can do better. He doesn't deserve your attention to anything, his 'likes' or texts, or anything at all, from this point on.