The Disappearing Act

[fifregister]

Disappearing is just the way it's done. I have very rarely had a man tell me straight up that he is no longer interested or has met someone else.

 

Absolutely. The dominant strategy is dating is not to show all your cards, either in showing interest or in slinking away. Dumping someone straightaway may seem presumptious because you're just casually dating. Second, being straightforward reduces the chance of coming back the second time around if you're hedging your bets. Third, it takes a LOT of courage, maturity, and humility.

[Misskitty16]

Absolutely. The dominant strategy is dating is not to show all your cards, either in showing interest or in slinking away. Dumping someone straightaway may seem presumptious because you're just casually dating. Second, being straightforward reduces the chance of coming back the second time around if you're hedging your bets. Third, it takes a LOT of courage, maturity, and humility.

 

I think 99% of the time it is #3. They just don't want the confrontation, even if is just an email or text. It's hard to reject someone, no one wants to hurt anyone.

[Batya33]

When I dated someone more than 4-5 times I let them know and typically they let me know. If it was only a few times I preferred silence and I typically was silent unless there was a specific reason to get in touch. I wasn't a fan of the self-serving fake "you are so amazing but I am not interested in a relationship right now". I got harassed one too many times after contacting someone with a polite decline for another date so often I went with silence.

 

I definitely had game playing happen and I played some games while I was dating. On the whole after going on hundreds of dates with at least 100 men for the most part I felt I was treated with respect and consideration. There were exceptions where certain men behaved like jerks. Sometimes my friends/acquaintances were able to share information about men who behaved like jerks and avoid the bad experience ourselves.

 

Most of the women I knew who were cynical/jaded for more than a brief amount of time while in the whole dating scene were the women who had casual sex and lied to themselves about being ok with it. I knew some women who were honest with themselves and were fine if a casual encounter was just that but that was the exception. I knew many more women who were honest with themselves that casual sex was not for them and as a result sometimes were "rejected" by men who felt differently (I was one of those women) but didn't seem to get cynical about that -they were more often glad they didn't end up with someone who didn't want the same thing.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree. The fade out is just the way it is. Not that I like it.

 

I would say though that maybe half of the guys I have been out on more than 3 dates with have given me some sort of closure....before 3-4 dates the fade is the norm but after 3-4 it's about 50/50 and beyond that the fade out become less normal, in my experience.

 

I think the OP confronting this guy over he bobby pin had a lot to do with this.... she absolutely should have let him know how she felt about what happened but lots of people do not take confrontation well. Any time I have a "confrontation" with a guy I'm seeing about anything regarding who he sees or sleeps with I know I'm playing with fire. Actually, if I had to confront a guy over that it's probably going to end up that he's not a match b/c he thinks it's fine to have other girls in his bed and that's not okay.

 

Just playing devil's advocate for a second here....a bobby pin in the bed doesn't mean he had sex with anyone...it means there probably was another woman in the bed at some point in the last 4 weeks (since he admitted it had been that long since he changed sheets - eeeeew!)....it does not necessarily mean he had sex with the woman. Heck, he could have had his grandmother stay over and given her his bed and it was her bobby pin....who knows. I'm guessing that his reaction pointed in a different direction, but there's a chance it wasn't what the OP assumed it was.

[Misskitty16]

Yeah, "going silent" is most certainly not exclusive to men. Women do it just as often. I don't know..if a guy kept calling me or emailing me, though, and I knew he really liked me, I would be straightforward. But after that, I most likely would not respond again.

[fifregister]

Sometimes, gentle hints work just as well. "I.e. sorry I've been really busy." or "Sorry I have other plans." Many of the guys I've used this approach on realize that when a girl declines a few times without counter suggestions "How about we do this on x and y date?" it's going nowhere.

 

Unfortunately for some less astute individuals, nothing but a mallet on the head or complete silence will do.

[Misskitty16]

Sometimes, gentle hints work just as well. "I.e. sorry I've been really busy." or "Sorry I have other plans." Many of the guys I've used this approach on realize that when a girl declines a few times without counter suggestions "How about we do this on x and y date?" it's going nowhere.

 

Unfortunately for some less astute individuals, nothing but a mallet on the head or complete silence will do.

 

I don't know if it's astuteness - sometimes we can be in denial if we like someone. We want to believe there is still something there - even though on a deeper level, we probably know we will never see that person again.

[akrngrl]

I have to agree with this. The fella above stated outright on like week two of texting after I said "I'm not the type of girl to do things until we figure out whatever this is" that "he would have to being hooking up with someone pretty extensively before he would ever be committed." While I don't necessarily agree with "extensively" I saw the point in that I've been in relationships with awful sex and WOULD have liked to avoid that. My last ex, as a last ditch cruel saying when we broke up threw in that he felt "pressured into a relationship with me" because I wouldn't do anything sexual until we were exclusive. I was beyond floored because I failed to see how that was my problem, if he felt pressured he didn't HAVE to enter into a relationship, but regardless it's stuck with me and that was what I was trying to avoid "coming off as" this time around.

[akrngrl]

Yes. I never accused him of having sex with anyone. He was complaining of something sharp in the bed and he finally grabbed it and was like "THIS IS IT" and I saw he was holding a bobby pin. So I responded "...Well that's not MY bobby pin". To which he launched into that no one had been here THAT week, but maybe someone had been over to just watch TV in his room, mentioned that he hadn't changed his sheets in awhile (UGH ew) and that's when I said "Yeahhhh I should probably get ready to go". The whole rest of the day he acted as he normally did with texting and whatnot, so if he was really that put off I don't think he would have bothered.

[Misskitty16]

Yes. I never accused him of having sex with anyone. He was complaining of something sharp in the bed and he finally grabbed it and was like "THIS IS IT" and I saw he was holding a bobby pin. So I responded "...Well that's not MY bobby pin". To which he launched into that no one had been here THAT week, but maybe someone had been over to just watch TV in his room, mentioned that he hadn't changed his sheets in awhile (UGH ew) and that's when I said "Yeahhhh I should probably get ready to go". The whole rest of the day he acted as he normally did with texting and whatnot, so if he was really that put off I don't think he would have bothered.

 

I agree. If it was that big a deal to him, you wouldn't have heard from him, or at least not that quickly.

[LoveSoDeep]

I agree. If it was that big a deal to him, you wouldn't have heard from him, or at least not that quickly.

 

I agree....and from the second explanation given above by the OP it doesn't seem like it was the harsh confrontation I was imagining.

[LoveSoDeep]

Ugh. See this is messed up! I'm not sure how guys view this but personally I know if there's going to be enough chemistry for the sex to be any good well before we actually have sex....from how hot it is when we make-out. I've only been with a few guys where making out with then was.....meh not so great....and well I never had sex with those guys.

 

Now, if the guy the OP was dating meant "make-out sessions" when he said extensively hooking-up....then I see no problem with that. If he thought he should have sex with someone several times before making any decision on where things are going....ugh but I feel like lots of guys think this way. They wan to be casual for a while...not saying they want to sleep around because they may very well sleep with just one woman.....but they want the option for others. To me it's like for guys exclusivity does not mean the same thing to then as it does for us. They think "yeah so I'm only sleeping with her that doesn't make it serious....she's not my gf or anything."

 

Again, just my opinion.

[akrngrl]

I agree 1000% and he 110% meant sex. On OKC he also answered "yes" to whether or not the orgasm was the most important part of sex. And he made the hooking up comment because initially the conversation started with him not being sure how far to take things because I didn't initiate anything. Not to mention he had tried to have sex with me once before and I had said no and he kind of got annoyed, but let it go. The second time I turned him down (that night I stayed over) he got really annoyed; all "I don't get you, I've never been with someone like you" (not in a good way mind you). "That we're making out in bed, what did I expect the next step to be." Which is funny because initially when I questioned WHY he wanted me to sleep over so bad (since we weren't even supposed to SEE each other Easter weekend) he got all pissed and was like "because I don't want you to drive an hour to stay five and then have to drive that far back home half asleep?"

 

I know it was best to just let it go, but his constant liking of my facebook things in lieu of ceasing actual communication had me wondering if he was going to pull a "Well you never texted me so I thought you weren't into it" if he ever did come back. The more time that passes though coupled with the fact that he's constantly on OKC (he comes up as online front and center in my searches since he's my highest match) and the 4-5 new lady friends he seems to get every week when I log into facebook has me thinking more that I was just another girl in that months rotation.

[LoveSoDeep]

UGH...the more I read the more I'm inclined to say delete him and move on.

 

Sorry, honey. He's liking your stuff on fb to have a tiny thread of a chance in case you change your mind and just want a FWB.

 

However, I will say a guy thinking the most important part of sex is the orgasm.....well that make complete sense to me. I wouldn't kick him to curb for that but getting annoyed when you didn't sleep with him....that's a huge red flag in my book. any guy who said " I've never been with a girl like you." to me in the manner you described above would get a "And I guess you never will" as I walked right out the door.

 

Block him on OKC and delete/block him on fb....he's trouble.

[akrngrl]

UGH...the more I read the more I'm inclined to say delete him and move on.

 

Sorry, honey. He's liking your stuff on fb to have a tiny thread of a chance in case you change your mind and just want a FWB.

 

However, I will say a guy thinking the most important part of sex is the orgasm.....well that make complete sense to me. I wouldn't kick him to curb for that but getting annoyed when you didn't sleep with him....that's a huge red flag in my book. any guy who said " I've never been with a girl like you." to me in the manner you described above would get a "And I guess you never will" as I walked right out the door.

 

Block him on OKC and delete/block him on fb....he's trouble.

 

 

HAHAHA oh my god I WISH I had thought of that line when I was there! I'm definitely keeping that for future reference because it's gold and I was too stunned to have a witty comment/remark to make back.

 

You've made me feel SO much better about the whole situation. Like initially I was okay if he didn't communicate right after we got together (would have sucked, but I wouldn't have been beating a dead horse trying to figure out why). The contact after was what got me excited/my hopes up (After the incidents that happened WHY I have no idea, I think I need my head examined haha) and then the let down of me questioning my morals and self worth.

[mandeelove]

U went off about the bobby pin thing . Maybe hes seeing youre a girl who is going to bring him drama and he just wants to "play". U did the right thing. I would have said the same. But clearly hes looking for a fling and u are not so be happy it ended now before u caught major feelings.

[LoveSoDeep]

U went off about the bobby pin thing . Maybe hes seeing youre a girl who is going to bring him drama and he just wants to "play". U did the right thing. I would have said the same. But clearly hes looking for a fling and u are not so be happy it ended now before u caught major feelings.

 

I don't think she "went off" about the bobby pin thing....if anything I think she glossed over it (after re-reading the story).

 

Also telling a man you don't like the fact that he may be sleeping around isn't drama....it's respecting yourself....if he has a problem with that then good riddance to him.

[mandeelove]

I don't think she "went off" about the bobby pin thing....if anything I think she glossed over it (after re-reading the story).

 

Also telling a man you don't like the fact that he may be sleeping around isn't drama....it's respecting yourself....if he has a problem with that then good riddance to him.

Thats what I am saying. I agree with what she did about the bobby pin. I would have done the same. I think she is losing nothing with this guy. He doesnt appreciate a good thing and wants to "play the field."

[Batya33]

I don't think she "went off" about the bobby pin thing....if anything I think she glossed over it (after re-reading the story).

 

Also telling a man you don't like the fact that he may be sleeping around isn't drama....it's respecting yourself....if he has a problem with that then good riddance to him.

 

It depends how you say it and when you say it. It sounds like it was part of an outburst or at least a hostile interaction about the bobby pin. I think it need to be said before sex, before things get hot and heavy because if it's about "respecting yourself" it wouldn't make a lot of sense to have that discussion after the fact. I think it's fine if people have casual sex and also sleep with other people as long as everyone is aware of it and can decide whether they're ok with the risks.

[Sportster2005]

Sometimes, gentle hints work just as well. "I.e. sorry I've been really busy." or "Sorry I have other plans." Many of the guys I've used this approach on realize that when a girl declines a few times without counter suggestions "How about we do this on x and y date?" it's going nowhere.

 

Unfortunately for some less astute individuals, nothing but a mallet on the head or complete silence will do.

 

So not having common courtesy makes other people less astute?

[fifregister]

So not having common courtesy makes other people less astute?

 

Post hoc fallacy. That's not what I said.

[Ms Darcy]

I kind of think it's funny that the same folks who say "Oh, disappearing is just the way it is" about the OP's situation where she was dating/sleeping with a guy for weeks and YET are devastated if a guy they went on 1-2 dates disappears.

 

Love that emotional distance.

[Misskitty16]

I kind of think it's funny that the same folks who say "Oh, disappearing is just the way it is" about the OP's situation where she was dating/sleeping with a guy for weeks and YET are devastated if a guy they went on 1-2 dates disappears.

 

Love that emotional distance.

 

What does one have to do with the other? It is the way it's done. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Just because you and some other people are able to maintain emotional detachment doesn't mean it is easy for all of us.

[Ms Darcy]

What does one have to do with the other? It is the way it's done. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Just because you and some other people are able to maintain emotional detachment doesn't mean it is easy for all of us.

 

No, I never said that I was able to keep emotional distance. I was pointing out the irony of you for example being upset if a guy disappears after a date or two but telling the OP the guy disappearing after a few weeks/sex is just the way it's done. That seems a lot like saying get over it.

 

Personally, I don't think not being interested after a.date or two is even in the same league as dating for a few weeks. Disappearing after seeing someone for that long is the situation that is wrong to me. And I think it trivializes her situation to paint it all with the same brush.

 

But that's just me.

[Misskitty16]

No, I never said that I was able to keep emotional distance. I was pointing out the irony of you for example being upset if a guy disappears after a date or two but telling the OP the guy disappearing after a few weeks/sex is just the way it's done. That seems a lot like saying get over it. Personally, I don't think not being interested after a.date or two is even in the same league as dating for a few weeks. Disappearing after seeing someone for that long is the situation that is wrong to me. And I think it trivializes her situation to paint it all with the same brush.

 

But that's just me.

 

No, that is not what I was saying. If you are going to judge other's posts, you may want to actually read them all first and you will see I was not telling OP to "get over it", but merely trying to point out this was NOT her fault and that this disappearing act is all too common - even amongst people that have been dating for awhile.

 

If I came accross as uncaring to OP, that was most certainly not my intention.