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Everything posted by fifregister

  1. I started to watch the clip, but it reminded me so much of work, LOL. Plus I am AT work...I will see the clip in its entirety shortly! Skimming the book, it looks like her approach is to two-pronged approach of figuring out what you want in a mate and honestly evaluate your potential candidates. Amy came up with 72 desirable traits in a mate and weighted each trait by how much it mattered to her. Later this balanced scorecard approach is what allowed her to sort through any potential matches and honestly evaluate if they would be a good fit for her in the long-run. Tolstoy said "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself". Her premise is that "dating" troubles were caused by rushing into "it" without knowing even knowing what "it" was. I've made too many damn lists already. I think I've narrowed down the dateable population to: my cat.
  2. Oooh, that sounds like something I would LOVE to read! Please send. I'm interested in mathematical equations that can solve my relationship dilemmas. I'm NOT even being sarcastic haha.
  3. Tips for No Contact 1. wait first. suppressing that desire to call is gonna make your body & heart feel a lot of tension and result in the opposite effect. tell yourself that it's not the end of the world if you call...but make yourself wait a few hours, after a few hours, tell yourself to wait a few more, etc. 2. get away from the phone. get out of the house and jog, do whatever it takes to change the setting you were in when you got the impulse to call. similarly, distract yourself by doing something else (shop, watch tv, eat, read a book, play video games, etc.) 3. imagine the conversation you'd have & all the negative things that can come out of that conversation. you'd get rejected again and feel that it's really over, this time, again! you'd find out that they have found someone! you'd find out that they haven't found anyone, but still don't want you back! 4. think of all the crappy things they've ever done to you. relive each moment. feel the sadness, pain, anger, frustration they'd put you through. 5. call someone else! go down your phone list and call someone til they pick up. talking to another person will let you vent and release some of those feelings of frustrations, sadness, despair, etc. 6. learn to let your feelings and impulses pass. every intense emotion stays in your body for a period of time and eventually decrease in intensity. this relates to step 1-wait it out. 7. take it easy on yourself and live through it each second at a time.
  4. This No Contact challenge has helped me with one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. Years ago I came accross this forum and, after a few tries of instituting NC (believe me, it IS HARD), successfully recovered from a soul crushing heartache. I'm back here again, after another breakup that I did not initiate. I've gained so much from the first experience and I'm so thankful for all the strangers with kind words to help along the way. Day 3 of NC this time. I'm exhausted but cannot sleep. I keep on thinking about him and the promises he made. He even used the word "forever". Ha. I feel betrayed and let down. When he did the break up, he even mentioned logistics of returning things to each other. I said just send it through the mail. 3 days of silence. I will box all this crap and send them on their merry way. There is no need for contact, for ANYTHING.
  5. i'm sorry to hear that you received the difficult news Orlander. i am amazed at your progress though. you're right, it's not meant to be and you have to let go. just keep on posting in here. we're here for you.
  6. Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow & Sting My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away But every now and then you come to mind Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game But when your name was called, you found a place to hide When you knew that I was always on your side Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent My demons and my angels reappeared Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be Too afraid to hear the words I always feared Leavin' me so many questions all these years Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally This isn't how it's really meant to be No, it isn't how it's really meant to be Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear, How to pull it close and make it stay Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away And I'm left to carry on and wonder why Even through it all, I'm always on your side Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear Or are we left to wander, all alone, eternally Is this how its really meant to be Oh is this its really meant to be Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear How to pull it close and make it stay If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why Was it you that kept me wondering through this life When you know that I was always on your side
  7. damnit....i was doing so well and the ex's constant contact is making the hurt resurface again! tonight he texted me something along the lines of "stop ignoring me, just tell me if you don't want anything to do with me ever again" i gave no reply. this is just making me so incredibly sad. all the pain and anguish i felt when we broke up is coming back to me. i feel that i'm letting go of him once more, and i have to keep silent when i want to let it all out. i want to let him know that i am so let down and disappointed. that i've been physically fine but a huge part of me was lost forever. all my pain had diminished with time, but sometimes, in moments like these, they come back up. the memories of the relationship become alive, and it hurts so bad... i forgive him for the disappointment and i want to let go of the past. this is my way of letting go. why can't he understand for me? i'm not doing this to get back at him or to hurt him. i'm doing this to protect myself. i'm in so much pain right now..
  8. Scout -- He's trying to be light-hearted, funny, and a little coaxing. Mostly along the lines of: "hey, come on, let's hang out!" Rose -- what happened when you broke NC? I know he's probably feeling the loss, but I just want to be left alone. I am not ready to be buddies, especially when the breakup was so difficult for me (I broke it off but wanted to reconcile, to which he said no). I no longer hold resentment against him and wish him well, but I don't want to be friends and want to leave things alone. Should I just reply asking him to leave me alone? Isn't that breaking NC tho?
  9. Keep on getting texts and a couple of phone calls from the ex wanting to hang out. It's becoming more and more frequent. I've not replied to any of these efforts. I've imposed strict NC for a few months now. I have no real desire to rekindle anything. But it was a long and arduous process to get to this point. I can keep on ignoring his attempts at contact, but it's frustrating me. Why can't he leave me the hell alone? What does he want now?
  10. yeah i'm so impatient w/ the healing process. it's been pretty long, though, hasn't it? 5 months post-breakup... i was pretty hesitant about this guy. i had let him go and did not respond to any of his attempts until giving him that one final talk...then i just became so confused and decided what the hell. one thing about this guy (after 3 months of knowing him) is that he's been pretty direct and reliable with communication, with pretty short lag times. it was kind of a tough call. for 3 months, i saw him but dated other people. he wasn't dating anyone else (though he knew i was). he met this other lady a couple of weeks prior to breaking up with me. they never did anything physical. he thought that if he wanted a relationship, it would be better for him to stop pursuing something with me that i did not want. thus he thought she was a better match then he changed his mind after our talk. wanted to take a shot with me. broke up with her. i'm seriously getting cold feet. i'm taking a long trip this upcoming holiday weekend with just girlfriends. hopefully i'll gain a clearer perspective....
  11. i'm not ready to be anybody's girlfriend....i don't think i'm emotionally equipped to do this. i'm being unfair to both of us but i don't want to end things with him either. ambivalence has always been my problem. and when others make the decision for me, i end up devastated. btw right after he broke up with me, i went to my therapist and had a talk, who actually said that i am doing better and have shifted into a grayer area. i've decided to hold off on the antidepressants for now....i want to resolve these anxieties with willpower first
  12. well he texted me the very next day saying sorry about the conversation and that i mean a lot to him. i politely replied that it's not a problem and i only wish him the best. day after that, he texted me again to say that he really missed me. i gave no response. day after, texted me that he is really confused and wants to talk. i gave no response. hours later, he texted again. went back to work after the weekend, and first thing in the morning was an email from him asking to see me. he called later that night and wanted to speak to me in person. i decided to oblige. long story short: he had a change of heart and wanted to ask me to be his gf. said that he felt that i was frustrating him with my hot/cold behavior and that dating me wasn't going anywhere. but after our heart to heart when he ended things, realized that i actually cared about him and wanted a relationship and that he cared about me too. i said yes...but now i'm filled with so many conflicting emotions....panic, claustrophobia, warm fuzzy feelings, doubt, optimism, etc. this all happened so fast before i could even process all of my feelings....don't know what to do!
  13. oh no....i'm so sorry you had a rough time!!! i admire your ability to see things in a positive light. hang in there.
  14. annie24: the age gap is definitely one of the reasons why we're not a good match. i'd been in denial about it because i wanted it to work, regardless of the reasons. orlander: you're absolutely right. this is exactly where i need to be.....but it's terrifying and painful, and that's why i'd been filling up my schedule with an armor made up of dates, social outings, travelling, flirtations and phone calls. i'd set myself up for disappointment by imagining that i can steer clear of facing that empty void inside myself by transitioning into another half-assed, not made for me relationship. except, he bowed out. there's just so many things that i can't even articulate. it hurts, but it's liberating, but it hurts really bad still. a quote that i found online that's kind of nice to hear: "Focusing on the finish line is what keeps so many of us from enjoying the process of life. You can't control what he does or doesn't do. And letting his actions determine your emotions is turning you into a bystander in your own life. So let go and leave the future....up to the fates. Take back your energy, trust in yourself and get ready for the next adventure in your life....." ok i'm gonna go in my car and cry now.
  15. he texted earlier today saying sorry and that i mean a lot to him. i replied that i enjoyed getting to know him and that i care about him & wish him the best. he replied again that that's how he feels and call him sometimes if i feel like it. i didn't reply to the last message. gosh, why do i always fall for people who let me down.........?
  16. yes i did...but not one i liked this much... i thought the feelings we had were going to grow, but i guess not enough on his part. he said that the other woman is closer to his age. i just feel so sad that i spent several motnhs getting to know him, and he's only gotten to know someone else a few weeks and i'm dropped. i'm just so indecisive and torn. i wish i'd given it a shot sooner and just told him how i felt, instead of waiting for him to deliver the hard talk. no use looking backwards, but i feel the loss and the regret that i was so closed off in trying to guard my feelings. they end up hurt anyway.
  17. GOSH I'm feeling so anxious right now. a part of me is at peace with the decision. a part of me just wants to scream "why wasn't it me?" I would've seriously considered a relationship with him. I have to do NC again. I so much want to text/email him right now. PLEASE STOP ME!!! DAY 83 of NC with the ex Day 1 of NC with guy i was seeing.
  18. i do hope things work out for him. there's a huge age gap between us (he's 42, i'm 24) and we're just not at the same stage in life. he needs to be settled and i'm just starting to explore. i tried to tell him that i'm willing to take the chance, but i guess he'd rather do that with someone else. i just wished...i don't know. i thought we could date casually forever and see where things go. i'm just so disappointed, even though i see that this probably the right and inevitable conclusion... spent all night dreaming about him. why is this so hard for something i thought was so small?
  19. he ended things with me...saying that he's gonna give it a go with another woman. wow. two hurts in one year. this is getting to be too much. i'm speechless and lost.
  20. i feel like such a fool for taking the emotional risk of sleeping with him. feeling so down right now.
  21. well, prior to your post, i couldn't withstand my panic attack so i caved. i'd emailed him earlier to ask how his week is going. he says that he's sick. i asked if there's something i can do to make him feel better. he said something which i interpreted as sexual in nature. i was mildly insulted and deflected. he responded with a neutral answer. i tried to be nice and might've come off as trying too hard. i give up. this is not worth it. your thoughts? time to write this one off isn't it?
  22. hey i'm so sorry that you're having a bad day. i was in the same exact situation a few months ago. found myself going on this site obsessively during work. i don't know what to say to make you feel better. just try to hang in there and take it one breath at a time. we're all here to listen.
  23. i've really put effort into not contacting him at all, but i'm just dying to know why he's so aloof...gosh why is this so difficult? i thought i finally met someone i like who like me, and complications occur. he seemed disappointed that i didn't hang out with him on saturday. but on sunday i came over and gave him the gift i got him from my vacation. helped him shop for some furniture. made the mistake of sleeping with him. i left shortly after. didn't even have dinner! was i too accomodating? did i position myself into giving him my best card for free? omg, did he meet someone else??? i saw a gossip magazine at his place (something that usu only women would read) and he mentioned going out of town next week. please stop me from doing something foolish or clingy. i really really want to text or email him asking how his week is going. would this look really bad? one of the mistakes i'd made in my previous relationships was to put up walls. i don't want to make the same mistake again if this guy has potential
  24. arggh!!! i'm seriously fighting the urge not to text message him a "casual" hello. what's on his mind? why isn't he contacting me? is he losing interest? he's been reliable and stable so far. he's always taken initiative. but i'd reciprocated and indicated my interest enough, i think. why doesn't he like me? was it because i took the risk and slept with him (waaaay too much info provided here, but in my agitated state, i don't care)? but i waited after 9 dates (5 weeks). this sucks. i've been doing everything i can post-breakup to cope. thought things could go back to normal and i could date happily again. seriously, i'd made plans with friends almost every day of the week. gone on vacation and climbed the Great Wall of China. seen a therapist. worked like crazy. still haunted by these emotional problems i create with men. sigh. teddybear & annie: it is the anticipation of the terrible event that is worse than the "worst thing" itself. i just want to know that he likes me! blah. but it does help to put it in that perspective. thank you.
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